S12 EP49: I love the buffet

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1:29Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Arlo, can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Piregon. Can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Pire Beckett. Rob Beckett. Why, eh, man? Is that Geordie? If it's not... Well, we don't know, actually. We know. Oh, no. Oh, no. Yes. Doesn't say. Pardon? I thought I deleted the email. Oh, oh no, oh no. But you know you can shake. We learnt that. Oh yeah, yeah, you can shake. Also, people have been commenting that we're on our phones too much when we do this podcast. And I just want to let everyone know that's because... That we don't get on. No, we do get on.

2:12We have our notes on there about things we want to talk about. We have small business shout outs on there. And we also have the voice notes on there. Other podcasts... And Instagram. Other podcasts slash TV shows, name me no names, have Romesh, GK Barry, AutoQ. AutoQ. We do not have auto-cue because we don't know what we're going to say. Exactly. Anything can come out. Do you think he's out there writing my crude retorts for me and sticking them on auto-cue? I have only just discovered your podcast and I'm way behind in series three. Blimey, this person, Callie, is not going to find this out for years.

2:46What series are we on? Michael? Twelve. Part of the way there. That's not it. That's Seinfeld. We're not in series twelve. We're in series one. We've never stopped. No, we haven't, have we? Yeah. hope you still do these intro clips and look forward to seeing if we make it on when I eventually get there I have a four year old Arlo and a one year old Ezra here is Arlo's alternative attempt at your names thanks for the laughs, Callie thanks Callie, Michael when is the end of series finale? fairly soon actually soon actually, ok good what was the cliffhanger last time? no we sort of, I have two espressos to pump up the energy and I don't know what the cliffhanger could be yeah well we'll see we'll work it out when we get there yeah we'll work it out when we get there you're looking pretty relaxed refreshed hmm got a bit of a colour on the cheeks well yeah that's true but um been on holiday yeah I wouldn't describe it as relaxing or refreshing okay where did you go uh we went to Greece what's your problem with Greece uh oh do you know what you're gonna like this you're gonna like this Rob um do we do you know when I ask you to beep celebrities names out Michael yeah Do we do that?

3:56Yeah. So that's an effective way to tell this story. And then if anyone wants to know who they are, if they see us in the street, just let us know and we'll tell them in person. So you'll like this, Rob. There was a celebrity there. Can you tell me what happened? I can guess who it was and see if I'm right or not. I'll use the name, then we can beep it out. Right, okay. But your holiday at the same time as that guy. Yeah, so. It's hard to get a book in at Necker Island. It is, isn't it? How is Rich? He's all right. He's okay. Have you been invited to go to Necker Island? No, I haven't. No. So you're not a celeb?

4:31Well, not with. Well, not. That celeb, I can say, recognised me as much as Rory Stewart recognised me when he saw me at Oxford Station. He just stared through you. Stared through me like Rory Stewart on a Saturday afternoon. Like a lively, bombastic student trying to get you to donate to a charity. Yeah, yeah. Bombastic, bombastic. so Shell who used to be our nanny yeah she's moving to Australia yeah she came out for a few days yeah we had a lovely time Rose's mum was there so she came out yeah was a friend yeah did you make a look after children no we didn't actually no one night so it was like a come out because she's your friend yeah for a holiday she went early did you pay for her to go out yeah that's nice so as a leaving present well yeah that's nice but we'll probably go next year do you think she was under the impression that she may be sort of being taken out to do sort of secret childcare, but you didn't do any of that anyway.

5:26Well, I'd say it was an expensive way to do childcare. And that you didn't even use. Well, she'd be with them for an hour at the pool or whatever, but it wasn't like do childcare. Yeah, it was like... So you're there with... She's part of the family, Rob. She leaves early. But she's leaving. She leaves early, right? To go to Australia? No, no, no. She's going to Australia. She's moving to Australia, but she leaves the holiday early. Cool. Yeah. She goes to the airport. Yeah. Three hour delay. All the passengers just put in a room. There is the said celebrity. She can hear him but she can't see him.

6:00What room are they in? Changing rooms? They're in the waiting room. But guess what's been set up for this celebrity? A different section. Have a look at your phone. I know we shouldn't look at our phones. Have a look at your phone. I don't care. I'm looking at my phone. No.

6:19So they're in a random sort of side room of an airport waiting. All the waiting passengers. All the waiting passengers. And they've basically put red boards up like someone's having a cardiac arrest. And he's just sat around there with his family. With his family. And they can hear him and his family behind it. And get this, there's another celeb. Yeah. Bleep this. Right. Complaining that he hasn't got as many boards around him as the other celeb. No way. Yes way. And you're just sat there going, guys, I'm the host of Strictly, actually. No, no, I wasn't there. This was... Right, so if you were there drinking, you'd have got bored.

6:50I don't know. Who's organised in these boards? So do you... Right, so how famous do you have to get for people to see you walk in and then go... I'm miles off boards. They need boards. I am miles off boards. Or do you request boards? Because I'm going to say it. When we got on the plane, I was there. Yeah. So was Adam Lallana, the footballer. Neither of us have had a sniff of boards. No, I mean, you know, no offence to Adam, but he retired about five, six years ago. You know it's like with athletes, no one cares. You drop. Yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah, so no sniffer board. I cared. But, yeah. So, isn't that wild?

7:21Should we... Yeah. We'll put that picture on our Instagram. Oh, yeah, you've got to put that picture on. I'm going to say it. Yeah. Being behind those boards is worse than being in front of the boards. I'm replying to a text message. I can see you texting. So, there's the actual criticism. It's correct. I was going to try and style it out. You went to look at the boards, and you got a text message. Yeah, I've got my agent. I've got a reply to him. You've got an agent? Yeah. What's it about? Is it about work? It's about work. Yeah, because it's my old work phone and I'm at work. So this is about work?

7:51Yeah, because it's time sensitive because it relates to something that's happening tomorrow morning. So it's done now. Not as time sensitive as the podcast that's happening now. I would argue your conversation is more time sensitive. However, that does have a time sensitive pressure. So he said, I need to know in the next 45 minutes whether you need a car for tomorrow. I've got some undiagnosed things going on in my brain that means I have to do it immediately or I'll never do it. Right, okay. So if I owe someone money, I will pay them the second after, so I've got to transfer it to you. Literally within a minute, I've transferred it or I never will.

8:24Right, that's interesting. And people will sometimes feel too... I put it off because I feel like... You want to keep the money for as long as possible? No, just I don't want to go through that horrible process. Transferring money? Like I've got a tax bill this month, my tax for this month. Yeah. I know I've got the email waiting there I just can't Can't be bothered to Is that because you don't like to see the money leave? Yeah I'm like the Danish with Carlsberg I think you've got a bit of a problem with money haven't you? No I think you're scared of it No You're scared of it going now that you had it Because you never had it Yeah that is true So you panic sure of it Yeah That's normal That's normal Yeah It's worse in my head now Yeah Than it was when I was on 14 grand on Dora the Explorer Yes When I didn't give a shit But then that's a problem, isn't it?

9:11That is... Because it's actually your life's got easier, but your mind's telling you it's harder. Oh, my life's got way easier. Yeah. Yeah. Where are my boards? I think you need boards just at home. So would you sit behind the boards? I would say no need for a board. If someone said, come this way, we've got a call it off. Yeah, speedy boarding. If it was a separate room that existed as a room already, and they said, would you like to wait in here? Yeah. Absolutely. Line it up all over. Who wouldn't want a separate room? If it was, will your family go in this metre square space so that no one can look at you, but they can hear you?

9:42No, it's the kind of board you'd use to cover a dead body. Yeah. If someone had just died, they'd just put that in the corner until the paramedics came. So the holiday was a bit stressful. Why was it stressful? It was fun, but the beach, there's a beach where we're staying and then there's a swimming pool. Yeah. And the swimming pool is full depth. so last time so my daughter can swim now yeah my son can swim with armbands yeah but you can't just leave them to go in that pool because it's no you've got to be in there with them yeah so and you're allergic to chlorine no I'm fine now are you all right my my skin what's the cure aging I just have my skin hardened up I suppose Rob you know are you allergic to things when you're kids and yeah so you went on holiday no I was at home the whole time was it boiling?

10:29it was so hot unbearable at points like 35 hot to the point like do you ever walk outside and you sort of just shout fuck off at the weather yeah whenever I when I lived in Hackney we bought so we bought a a sprinkler thing from Costco that's like a frog with four legs and it's mouth and then the water comes out of it's mouth and the underneath touch of glass yeah and you plug it into the hose perfect it sprinkler done we didn't have the electric inflator so i had to self inflate by hand what do you mean so like we had like we didn't have like an electric pump not heater inflate what inflates the frogs the frog legs inflate so it's like a big and on the picture doesn't look like it's much it looks like lilo so i think i could blow up a lilo in my mouth right it's probably like 10 lilo amount of air yeah so i've got this bike pump thing that connects to it and i'm pumping pumping pumping but it's 35 degrees and like it's like i've given it everything for five minutes and it's nowhere near and there's like it's boiling hot the kids they're all they're so pale and blonde and they've got cream on but i can actually hear them like sizzling under the sun is it ready yet dad is it and i'm like and i'm pumping and it's like my glasses you know and like they slide off your nose and then i'm like um you had to have someone hold it in the valve and then someone to pump so i'm saying something you're just pumping into nothing well no i'm not i'm saying to you hold the valve and you know what the kids are like they're just sort of like hold it for a bit then give up yeah of course and then i look around i'm just pumping into air as it deflates i'm just like i don't want to be that dad on a half term that just scream these kids but i was just so hot yeah so tired and i was just like keep it in the fucking fat and all that too fair they chipped in a bit as well but that that nearly killed me doing that but that was that was it was nice though the heat really no no it was too much 25 is nice yeah 35 is insane so what yeah so i was at home doing that then I'd go to Tenerife filming I've been so busy but to go to Tenerife to film yeah I've never left England and arrived in summer like Tenerife and it'd be colder in Tenerife than England so I left England in like just shorts and a t-shirt like didn't even take a jumper right the person I was meeting out there what the they were like I literally picked up a jumper to bring but it was so hot in England that I just thought I can't even hold this yeah never mind think about packing it got there it's cold I'm in Tenerife I'm colder than I was in England Oh, Rob.

12:50So I did that. Well, I can't think what's going on. So you would normally go away for half term, but you were working. Yeah, I was working. And then Lou was working. She was at the Hay Literary Festival. Yeah. Did she enjoy that? Yeah, she did. It's well far, isn't it? I'm quite enjoying her work and travel really far and be like, it's hard, isn't it, traveling to all these places just for the night and come back? I'm like, hmm, is it? Wouldn't know. Would have no idea. Mmm, yeah. It's a little bit, isn't it? Yeah. And that's one you did this week. In the UK. Yeah. Imagine four of those a week for a year and a half.

13:31Just imagine it. It's really hot in here, Josh, isn't it? Yeah, it's boiling in here because the heating's fucked up at Spotify. So was the holiday good, though? It's just you had to be in the pool the whole time? No, so you're kind of looking after the kids. you're in and out of the pool. Was it warm enough to be in the pool and out without being a bit cold? It was effing boiling. Oh, was it? Yeah, yeah. For normal people or for you? No, for normal people. It was spend some time in your room in the middle of the day hot. Oh, was it? Yeah. Okay. But then there was the beach, which the grown-ups liked, but the kids didn't.

14:07And then there was the pool where the kids wanted to be in all the time, but you had to be in with them. Yeah. Then you had to get them out of it, because they couldn't just be in that pool in the boiling heat the whole time. and then the pool isn't the nicest pool in the sense of it's too busy. Right, lots of kids in there. And lots of... It's like, it's got beds in rows, you know, where you're like, you've overbedded to this pool. Right, okay. Do you know, it's... Well, I don't know, but my thing is, I think I'm actually, I think I might be an apartment or villa guy, the hotel guy now, the kids are getting older.

14:45Villas since we got back. Really? Yeah, she thinks their Europa League win was a huge moment for them. Yeah. Here we go. Here we go. Bit of fun. Some puns. She hopes they'll build on it. No, well, because I think the good hotels are good when the kids are little. Yeah. Because there's loads of activities, loads of options of the poor beach. But once they get older... Yeah. But then do you like doing cooking and cleaning and tidying up and making your beds? No, and I like going to the breakfast buffet. You like the buffet? I love the buffet. But here is the world's smallest violin or whatever the phrase is.

15:17Yeah. By the end of that holiday, I was like, I don't think I ever want to eat out again with two children. Oh, going out at a dinner table with kids. Because you're doing lunch, breakfast and dinner. Yeah, well, that's why I quite like a villa is because you just knock them out a few eggs and it's chill and then go out for lunch or come back for lunch and have an easy lunch. Well, their breakfasts are fucking insane as well. What do you mean? At the breakfast buffet. Yeah, but the kids love the breakfast buffet. Yeah, they love it. They absolutely love it. Nutella and then a muffin and they had the kids didn't have this but you know I don't believe I had this one day Rob yeah go on because I was like I'm gonna save that I'm gonna have to have it one day they had white chocolate mousse at the breakfast buffet that's disgusting and I that's too much I had it one day just to prove a point what put your proof in that I was just like I wonder if this is what I'm a pretty chill guy I don't have to have two poached eggs on toast every day it's a buffet I don't have fruit and nuts I'll have a white chocolate mousse you've been having fruit and nuts for breakfast you all got fruit and nuts I do you know what I like to do on holiday Rob God it's my favorite breakfast God slice of bread yeah thin cheese that are you toast in the bread no okay like an open sandwich it's a butter yeah butter butter on cheese what white bread butter vary the bread up sometimes brown sometimes white whatever they've got.

16:44Butter. Thin cheese. What cheese? You know, like, they have the thin cheese at a breakfast buffet. No, you know, like, the... Thin cheese. It's all... Like, is it... That's not a type of cheese. That's a way of cutting it. No, it's just like gouda or emmental or one of those kind of Dutch... So a mild, no flavour one. You know the really thin ones with the holes in it. No, but you stop saying... Well, yeah, the holes is way more of a clue than the thin. Yeah. So, yeah, gouda. Yeah. Okay, so you're having gouda on bread. Yeah. With bits of tomato. bits bits bits tomato bits of tomatoes carpet cherry tomato cut up a cherry tomato and maybe a few capers and that's your that's my breakfast that's your treat breakfast that's my treat breakfast that's some sort of dutch evacuee i'm like do you know what this is literally do you know what josh you've done well for yourself so do you just have so that's your treat so you wouldn't have that every morning well after about day three i'm like do you know what you're on holiday Josh.

17:40Let rip, have it every morning. Why is that Phil so not letting rip so you're not having any warm or hot breakfast at all? I don't really like hot breakfasts. You don't? Porridge? Yeah but it's so boiling you can't have porridge in Greece in May. But that's the only hot breakfast you don't have? So you don't have any eggs? No. No nothing? No beans, sausage? No. No. Omelette? No. No. Don't want a hot I mean, I can't be clear enough about this. You just had plain bread, butter. Just name some more hot things. I'm not having them. No, you say the porridges. But if it was colder, you'd have porridge.

18:14I'm not that... What are you doing for lunch? It's a myth around porridge. I'm not as into it as people say. So you're not drinking at all out there either? No. You don't drink. What are you doing for lunch? Just waiting to be served invariably with kids that don't want to sit there, usually. What am I having for lunch? Pasta? Yeah. Just what kind of pasta? I don't know. Tomato-y pasta? Right, okay. No, I'm just, I'm finding, I hope, I don't know, I'm finding this quite fascinating, but I don't know if it's just me. Well, and then dinner, what do I have for dinner? We go to a different restaurant each night.

18:44Yeah. And then I'll have what they're serving there. And you'll have what they're serving there. I don't go off menu. Yeah, but what did you have, talk to me for one of your meals. Like a kind of load of Greek stuff. I feel like I'm doing a BBC News report, right? Talking to a nan that's on a state pension that's not enough, and she's talking us through what she eats each week to try and make the money go further. So, I don't want a full English breakfast every day when I'm abroad. No, no, I'm not saying you have to, Josh, but I'm just saying that the way you're talking about it. I've told you I had a white chocolate mousse one day.

19:17I don't even feel like you have the capers on it either. I think you've just added that in to try and look different. No, no, I do. You definitely have the capers. Not every day. No.

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22:37So the day I had the white chocolate mousse, Rob. Yeah. It was too much. The sugar. I can't, of course it is. But I was fucking buzzing for hours, and then I had such a come down from that white chocolate mousse. because of the sugar am I Stephen Bartlett I don't know but I do feel I don't know if you've replaced yourself with an AI version I wasn't podcasting optimally after that white chocolate mousse you're podcasting well yeah well you've not drunk in about a year so what's your excuse for a shit podcast three years three years sorry what's my excuse for a shit podcast lack of preparation yeah there's always that innit but you so would you you're not going there again you want to move away from hotels no we might go there again yeah but Rose has got thoughts about because it just felt a bit disparate.

23:19Do you know what I mean? It felt like you were, the kids wanted to be in the pool. Do they make friends with the other kids when they're there? That pool's not good for making friends as well. Because it's too deep. Because it's too deep. So you know, the way kids make friends is if they're splashing in and out of the pool. The shallow bit. Yeah. Okay. So we're probably going to go to a different bit of that resort or a villa or a different resort. Okay. But then I will miss out on seeing my favourite celebrity every year. Well, and see if the balls have changed. Well, you know, next time you go if you go next year you'll have done Strictly so maybe yeah I don't know how popular Strictly is at Thessaloniki well obviously not that popular no because actually in the UK this is the first time in my life Rob people have been coming up to me in the street to congratulate me really but not in Thessaloniki no one gave a shit but in the UK they've been congratulating someone congratulated me in Waitrose last night what did they say congratulations Congratulations.

24:15It's mad, isn't it? How big that show is. It's mad. It's weird. What did you do with your kids then? Well, so Lou was in France for a friend's 40th. They went to South France for a few days. So I was solo parenting. Yeah. Someone called default parenting. Yeah, somewhat. Don't know when the seesaw swings, but it's starting to swing. Yeah, exactly. She's working more. So we went to Tom Allen's. Oh, yeah. He had like a book celebration because his book's come out. Yeah. Common Decency. yeah very very funny that's the name of the book not just your view on him holding an event for his it's just common decency to have a book celebration so we i was like i texted him i said what is this is this a it was four o 'clock on a saturday oh no four o 'clock on the bank holiday sunday and so i text because lou weren't coming back to the monday but my monday night my my i had big plans for monday because what i like to do when lou's away is make sure that i do loads of the kids and dedicate an entire day to making the house even cleaner and nicer and better than it was when and Lou left, so I could say, look, I've managed to do all this.

25:14So you want to win an argument. I've done this better than you. So you're not doing it for joy. No, no, I want it. I want to tell you the point. You're doing it in a petty kind of... Yeah, it might be look great and make her feel bad about herself, actually. So that's what I want to... So when she gets back, you can go... Yeah? Yeah? How do you like them apples, yeah? Yeah, yeah. Which are all pyramided in the fruit bowl. Yeah, exactly. God, you're on fire today, aren't you? I don't know. I don't know. You're doing a lot of puns. You're getting ready for Shritley.

25:42Anyway, so I text Tom and I said, look, is this going to be two hours, one glass of fizz and then everyone's out at six or should I get a taxi and have a drink and it's going to be a long evening? With the kids. It's just me and the kids. Yeah. Right. Anyway, so he went, no, get a cab. So I'll get a cab. We get there. Cab turns up. It's about 35 degrees. No air con. Windows open. Yeah, of course. I mean, it's absolutely horrendous. Yeah. It's like when it's moving, it's bearable. It stops. You feel like your head's about to explode. Right. we get there and then the kids are a little bit like Alan Carr's there kids obviously love him and he's had good fun but so I've got a 10 year old now though so we took iPads I took iPads because I'm like and was there any other kids there yeah Tom's partner's nephews right about the same age three boys okay so I've took iPads I feel bad because my kids are on iPads within about five minutes I just don't care watching the football watching the football what are the iPads just for you what are the iPads they're on roblox i'm on a super sunday so i um i just i was just like look i'm solo parenting here it's been a few days i've not had much ipad but it's an adult party really and no other kids have turned up at that point then the other kids turned up and i see the parents look at the other parent going i've got ipads we haven't got ipads for our kids yeah it's a bit like yeah taking ipads to a party is a bit like being on a stag doing someone bringing drugs without checking than everyone else.

27:05Yeah, yeah. It brings a different energy to the party, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah. So, well, they're on them and then the eight-year-old's up, buzzing, but my ten-year-old's like, I don't want to do that. I was like, okay, I don't want to play with the younger kids. And she wants to be in the party. Oh, the worm has turned. So the worm has turned. So I was like, all right, do you want to be like my, do you want to be like, I went, I said like my date, because then like, we're at the party together. She went, no, not actually my date. we're not going out be like my mate and we go and hang out together she went alright so we went round and sort of like worked the garden worked the room who are you talking to Alan Carr so Alan Carr's there all Tom's friends and family yeah my 10 year old just like chatting yeah we're just like hanging out chatting and stuff like that I'm like she's holding her own in and then we're chatting she's chatting to Alan Carr and all that it was fun and then Lee was like because obviously you know my eldest knows you and you know it's a podcast and we were talking about you getting strictly and stuff like that and then he went oh is he excited you're going to go up and watch Josh Drew Strictly she went yeah sure like the most nonplussed and I was like I feel like you should be more excited to go and see Josh Drew Strictly but you can't force it but then to her you're just that bloke she's jaded she's jaded she's lived a life Rob she's lived it she's lived a life she's already been Strictly with you yeah anyway so we were hanging out together then she got bored of watching me talk.

28:32Yeah, watching you. Essentially. And then she went and played Roblox and then got a bit carried away. Yeah. We left at midnight. Whoa. They were still up? They were still up. Yeah. Absolutely high on iPad. Yeah, yeah. Eyes staring at their head. And then got home at half twelve. I'd got really drunk. Yeah, I imagined. Really drunk. Had you watched any of the football? No, none. I was just following on the phone and Tottenham winning, so I went bobbled. And then Monday was an absolute write-off. All right, Barnett. I was sorry thank god I wasn't podcasting Monday I was in an absolute mess so I was struggling so I got no tidying up time no tidying up and I had to text it's a bit messier than I thought it was going to be and it was an absolute shit heap but then I had to what time did they get up on the Monday so they were still up early yeah that's the thing they'd never sleep in that's what I don't get about kids so they were up early and then we we were supposed to do something It was a bank holiday Monday.