S12 EP7: I'm going to sneeze...

29:09Yeah, I know. But that was quite interesting to see the Americans' reaction to that. Because when I've been in America, when the National Anthem's on at school.

29:16Josh Widdicombe:So what was the makeup of the audience? How many of the crowds, sorry. How much was American and how much was? I'd say it was a very small percentage of Americans. It would have been friends and family or people that worked for the, it's really like 10%. And the rest are sort of British and Europeans. because a lot of people come over from like Spain or Slovakia or Slovenia where it's popular. And yeah, it was good fun though. The only problem is we enjoyed the basketball. All my kids wanted was to catch a T-shirt. Yeah. The throwing T-shirts into the crowd situation. Lots of getting one are very low.

29:50And it adds a level of tension and stress that is unbearable.

29:54Josh Widdicombe:Also, if one of your kids had caught a T-shirt, that would be absolutely true. I know. You're never catching two. You are never catching two. so it's just and also they're shit t-shirts we just in the end I said why don't look why don't I just get home I'll get some of your t-shirts put a bit of elastic band around them you stand at the top of the stairs and I'll throw them up so we can do that at the weekend but it was good fun though we did that what else did we do I looked at the next week when you were explaining why your daughter fell down the stairs with an Orlando magic top covered in blood then oh she just slipped i imagine um no it's been good actually but yeah i was away for a couple nights last week and then i'm away for a couple nights this week but then i'm not going away overnight for like a whole month so yeah it'll be nice to come home and chill but um yeah it's been it's been all right i'm still not lost anyway i don't know what to do a january i can't get going i've been running you and steve cram you just you just had a fudge and custard a donut.

30:58Josh Widdicombe:You mentioned that three minutes ago. And a macaroni pie. Yeah, you make a good point, actually. Just can't seem to shift it. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. I've run 5K. I don't think when they have fitness people with six packs on a high-performance podcast say, go, I've got a controversial opinion. Scottish bakeries are better.

31:25I think burpees are better than sit-ups. That's what my conversation should be. I know. I can't help it. I love eating. Isn't it nice?

31:34Josh Widdicombe:Isn't it nice? Do you know you eat 75 % of your nice food before you're 12? Sorry, that message will not cut through unless you're dripping wet, getting off a bike, I'm afraid. Yeah, so going back to the January thing, your kids are fine getting up in the morning full of beans. I find my kids are fine. Not full of beans, but... Not as jolly as normal in the house. And I don't know what it is because, you know... I think it's all right. No, I think maybe, not to bring it back to them, the kittens have put a real spring in everyone's step. True, yeah. That is a... Yeah. Because that's the Christmas present that keeps on giving.

32:10Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, and it's so cute. The wheel scooter hasn't really had the same impact. No, yeah. Well, you're just pure mud and ice. But, yeah, I suppose if you're just indoors with them and playing and stuff. Yeah, that's really given a spring of the step. And then – Do very well for you on Instagram, that. You was posting on Instagram, a little influencer. Yeah, I might – I mean, I should start a cat account, shouldn't I? But I'm not going to do that. No, don't do that, please. No, I'd rather die. But, yeah, just keep posting the cats. 51 ,000 likes your picture's got. That's probably your best post you've ever put up.

32:47uh i did ask where's beryl people want to see beryl oh yeah beryl so the situation with beryl don't give up hope no one no one in the house cares about her anymore no she's absolutely back to her best yeah no but no one's giving her any love are they no she's getting more than usual

33:04Josh Widdicombe:because we feel guilty oh okay so beryl is is absolutely loving it they've been sniffing each other sniffing each other's arses that is good thing yeah yeah that they there's been a bit of but that's gone away now. Yeah, they'll just establish a little bit of a pecking order. Yeah. Do they have like a pecking order, like dogs? Oh, my God, Rob, I lost the kittens for two hours. Okay. Where were they? Well, I didn't know. I went around the hall. Obviously, you didn't. I know, but you did by the end. Yeah. They'd got in a crack behind a cupboard. Oh, is that what? Oh, right, and they were just asleep in there.

33:43Oh, here is one. Hello. Oh, that's nice.

33:47Josh Widdicombe:Do you want to come on? Hello? Can you tell the difference between them? Hello? Where are you? Oi. Come here. It's Josh trying to find his kitten. Oh, very cute. Oh. Listen to this purr. Do it. Can't hear a thing. No, she stopped purring. There we go. Since you picked her up. Can you hear that? Yep. she doesn't want to be here this feels weird sorry i feel like i think i might just i said to rose i just want to live in a house of 50 kittens now you do love the way you pick the way you were like saying listen to her it was a bit like you know like when you meet someone you meet a girlfriend's dad for the first time and he makes you listen to like he's sort of done up full escort yeah yeah and you have to just sort of yeah but then it's cute very cute But yeah, that is going to increase morale in a house.

34:47Josh Widdicombe:That's really increased morale in the house. So Rose was away.

34:54Rose said, I'm quite good with not getting,

34:59Josh Widdicombe:not giving her too much info when she's away. What do you think? Oh, not going like, oh, I can't find it. Yeah, okay. Because sometimes people can just go, oh, where's this? What's that? And then the whole time they're away. This is a fucking nightmare. Those texts. I'm quite good at that. That's mental. You used to do that. No. The cat's just there. Yeah, the cat is really scene-stealing from you at the moment. Yeah. It's looking at a bottle of water, confused, basically. Yeah. The cat's been drinking from my water. Don't worry about that, Rob. That is really problematic, Josh. Rob, when I had the cat under the duvet last night...

35:34Josh Widdicombe:Oh, my God. You sound like you're fucking it. I wasn't fucking it. I'm just like... Yeah, it's making you feel uncomfortable. Go on. She's licking my hand with her rough tongue. Actually, it makes me really uncomfortable. Yep, carry on. And I liked it.

35:57Michael, is this me? I'm really struggling with this conversation.

36:00Josh Widdicombe:Don't talk to Michael. Michael can be less an animal man if there was ever... I just need to speak to someone else because at the moment I feel like being groomed by a cult leader and I'm going to all of a sudden be under a cover with cats licking me. Michael, please consult anyone. If not, I'm going to get the bloke from the office next door to come in and ask for his opinion because I can't. This is too intense one-on-one. I would say I'd split the difference. You'd split the difference. Okay. Yeah. Right, sit on the fence, are you? Why don't you love that one, Rob? So what do you like to do cats under duvets?

36:31I don't want a cat licking my hand when I'm going to sleep. That is okay, innit? If I went around your house and your kitten jumped to my lap, I'd stroke it, I'd hug it, I'd get it purring and I'd be happy having that kitten sat on my lap as we had a cup of tea and chatted. No problem with that whatsoever. If he went to drink out my drink, I'd go, fuck off. And I would say that to him because I do talk to animals like humans and then he would know. And then Fluffball would go, Uncle Rob's round. We don't drink out of his water because he's normal. And he'll stroke me, but if I start licking his hand, he'll go, no, no, that's enough.

37:03It's about boundaries.

37:06Josh Widdicombe:So what happened that made you so uptight? And I'm not uptight. I love a cat. If your kitten was in there, I'd love it sat on my lap, stroking it like a little Bond villain. But I can't do the under-the-cover stuff of a cat or sleeping in his head next to my head or pouring at me and all that. It's too much. Oh, fuck it. It's like a itch.

37:35I just find anyone that's too into their pets makes me feel uncomfortable. is look how into the pets is lou really loves it loves the dogs sit on a lap stroke them and cuddle them and like no you know wouldn't if i would not i couldn't be with lou if she let the dog lick her mouth let the cat lick my mouth we drink out the same water oh let me just close the

37:58Josh Widdicombe:door because the cat zootopia 2 has come home to disney plus let's go get ready for a new case We're the greatest partners of all time. New friends. Gary Death Snake. And your last name? Death Snake. Dream Team. And new habitats. Zootopia has a secret reptile population. You can watch the record-breaking phenomenon at home. Zootopia 2, now available on Disney Plus Rated PG. And right now you can get Disney Plus and Hulu for just$4.99 a month for three months with a special limited time offer ends March 24th. After three months, plan auto-renews at$12.99 a month. Terms apply. Don't chew on that, Max.

38:31Josh Widdicombe:Cooper loves that chew, too. Oh, now he's into Cooper's food. Wow, he is loving it. What do you feed Cooper? Blue Buffalo Life Protection Formula. He never leaves a crumb. I love it because it's made with high-quality protein, nutrient-rich fruits and veggies, and wholesome whole grains. Looks like we're switching to blue. Blue Buffalo foods are made with the superior ingredients your dog needs to thrive. Can your dog food say that? Visit FeedBlueFood.com to learn more. I opened it. What the hell?

39:09Josh Widdicombe:I did my runner's world shoot, Rob. Oh, yes. Go on. In Exeter, they brought down so many people. So you shut the door because the cat opened the door. And now you shut the door. Now the cat's come back in. No, no. She'd opened it coming in. And then you've locked the cat in. I could hear a sound bleed from the house. So I shut the door. Yeah. Yeah. Got you. Because the cat just come back in again. I was confused. Sorry. Sorry if you heard. I apologize. All right. Anyway. Runner's World. I did my Runner's World cover, Rob. How was it? Well, I got some stuff sent to me to wear from Adidas. Okay.

39:53Josh Widdicombe:When I hadn't seen it until the day.

39:58That's, that is, you've got to, that's a mental decision not to open the bag to a photo shoot. No, that is, no one does that. The first three things I took out were vests, Rob. Yeah, but Josh, it is a running mat. That is what runners wear. If you are the front cover of Runners World, you've got to be comfortable in a vest. I'm not comfortable in a vest, Rob.

40:19Josh Widdicombe:I'm just not comfortable in a vest. So is it all vests? No. Then I took out a pair of shorts that were too short. Do you know what they're called? Shorts. Running shorts. Running shorts, yeah. Because most people wear short running shorts to run in because they don't want their giant sunspill pantaloons poking out the bottom of their swimming trunks when they run. Because that's not how people run. Did you tell him your personal best was seven in the interview?

40:51That really makes me laugh, that. Because I was with Ali, you know, your tour manager.

40:56Josh Widdicombe:What, this week? Yeah, he did Scotland because my tour manager... Oh, he's a great man. He's a great man. Great guy. And he can do a 5K in 17 minutes and he's 60 next year. Yeah, I know. He's mad. Go on. Sorry. So your little pair of shorts. I cannot wait. I actually think Runners World magazine is going to – the people are going to buy this. Anyway, luckily I brought a T-shirt. So I had a couple of T-shirts. And there was one pair of normal length – what I would consider normal length shorts. Just over the knee. Like a Victorian bather. I need my shorts to be longer than my boxer shorts. That's a bare minimum.

41:40So you've got your bald shorts on. You've got your rip curls. And there's still a little tiny sort of millimetre of sunspel above the knee. You've rolled the waistband up three times, but you know, what can you do? I can't believe you're running sunspel pants. It's fucking a nightmare. If you told me to run in sunspill pants, I'd go, sorry, I just can't. I'd rather run naked. I think of the wind resistance. There seems to be a flag running along the park there.

42:18Josh Widdicombe:So I did the runner's world shoot. Yeah. It was quite fun, actually. I enjoyed myself. What did you chat about? Running. Have you done the interview? Yeah, I did at the same time. Yeah.

42:34Josh Widdicombe:What did you say? I talked about my running journey. Oh, can I talk to you about running? Right. You know, I'm doing my couch to 5K. No, you're going to be on the cover within months. Don't worry about that. You and Steve Brown. Little tip. When you get the clothes sent, you check there's not just vests. I wear vests. I run in vests. Do you? I run topless once. No. Yeah. In Spain, along the front when it was sunny. My God. Yeah, I know. When you've got a body like this, why wrap it up? Exactly. And, well, you've got a big fudge donut, buttery chocolate, scotch pie, macaroni pie body. Why cover it up?

43:15So, right. So I've been doing this couch 5K, which is basically, I can run a 5K in about 40 minutes on a treadmill, but it's life and death. I'm basically having a, I might as well be the last soldier at the SOM. Everything's on the line, right? And I thought, well, actually, that's quite not a good way to treat your body because I basically hurt after it and don't want to do it again for a month. So I'm doing the 5K, and I'm at the point now I run for five minutes and it's a 90 second walk, five minutes. It's very slow, but it's a slow build, but I am getting better. And when I'm running for these five minutes, I feel really chilled as I run.

43:47I'm not exhausted and I'm slowly building. Yeah. So anyway, me and my friends, a couple of mates are trying to go running once a week and they do 5Ks all the time. So I met up with them and I tried to run with them, couldn't keep up. In the end, I could only do about three and a half K and my shins hurt too much. So I stopped running and started walking, right? And then weirdly, they hurt more walking than running. And I went, what the fuck's happened here? I got a shin spitting from running. Yeah, so I was like, right, I shouldn't have done that. I should have stuck with my Steve Crab. But anyway, I meet my mates to go running around this park.

44:21And some lady drives past me. A couple of people go, oh, look, it's really busy. It's a Sunday morning and it's in Bromley. so everyone's sort of like saying hello and it's all a rob and i said oh hello like that and then a lady went oh hello rob i went oh hello and i'm trying to like get ready to go for a run i've got like my running trainers on and all that and then she goes um uh i used to teach your daughter at preschool i was and i sort of half recognized her i was like oh hello you're right and she went you're not a runner what i went well she went you're not a runner i was like pardon she went you're not a runner i was like and then i'd sort of was like well not at the moment but in about a minute i will be like trying to sort of like yeah just trying to like you know bridge out and i was like fucking hell like i i i feel like sorry has she taken control of my inner voice just before the run like you're not a runner what do you think you're doing dressed up like that your little fancy dress outfit with your running shoe so then oh my god so anyway i just go right try and do the running and i'm struggling and then i give up about three and a half k because my legs hurt and then this other geezer comes alongside me right and starts talking to me nice enough geez but he's talking about running he's got all the gear on and stuff like that and then so i was chatting about he was like well i thought you were in scotland and i was like all right he's like i'm instagram stalking you and and it was nice guy but it was quite like quite intense questioning and then he was like uh um he went um and i've put it about running trainers cool they look new i was like fucking hell you're having a go as well and also these trainers i've worn about 10 times they've got mud on so they don't even look new he was like what are they I was like, I don't know, like pumas.

45:52Puma what? I went, I don't know, like bouncy ones. And I was like, can everyone just let, I don't want. I just want to go for a run with Steve Cram. You're not a runner. They look new. Leave me alone.

46:05Josh Widdicombe:Oh, Rob. I just want to, I just don't want to be fat. Just let me just, just let me suffer. And I couldn't run off. My legs aren't too much to run. Or better get back to my intervals or whatever, run off. I tried, but I couldn't even walk quicker because my legs hurt. And he had such long legs and he was right beside me. Oh, Rob. He went, normally I come down to the park run on a Saturday morning, but there's too many bloody prams and dogs and kids. And I went, well, it is a park, not a fucking race course. Also, park run's not a race. Well, that's what, yeah, I think it is though for the blokes at the front.

46:41But, yeah, but I'm going to try and start going once a week, running once a week with my mates and try and do that. and a little coffee after. Oh, that's nice. That was good then. But so, you're happy with your Runners World shoot?

46:53Josh Widdicombe:Well, I didn't look at any of the photos. They said, do you want to look at them? I said, I just simply can't. I'm too embarrassed by the whole thing. But just to let you know, my work-life balance is unreal at the moment. Between my appearance on Sunday brunch, Romesh's show on the way to St Albans and my Runners World shoot. My kids were at school during the Runners World shoot. And I'd have had to go to... It was an exit, wasn't it? Yeah. yeah exactly so that's good yeah oh my god i had a disaster with the kids on saturday why so they've really wanted to get the car cleaned because there's an episode of bluey where you go through a called the hairy monster thing or something like the the mechanical car car at the garage yeah so i said great i'll find one i found one on you'll like this rob an industrial real estate yeah now we're talking here we go someone's moved out of the city lovely bit of free parking i love free parking i go along the interior is absolutely fucked as well just really so but i see their valet in cars there so i'm like great i'll go through the hairy monster yeah and then i'll get the guy to valet the car i say how much to valet the car it was it took my breath away rob go on but by that point i was like well what is how much for the hairy monster that's like a tenner in it a hairy monster 12 quid 12 quid yeah it was all he's like which different level do you want it's got all these so when he values it is he doing the outside as well or just inside it's the inside so because the hairy monster's on outside for 12 quid now he's just gonna hoover it and wipe the inside basically hoover shampoo wipe the full lot it was shampoo the the floor well like and the seats clean it was it was 40 quid rob 40 pounds yeah i think that's a lot just for inside because i can get outside and inside done for that yeah but i was like how bad was it i'm here it was really bad and i was like i'm here We just enjoyed the furry monster.

49:01Josh Widdicombe:That's not what it's called. The hairy monster. Yeah. So there was a reason it was£40, Rob. How long did it take? An hour. Right. For one man. So£40 is quite a good price considering. Have you ever stood in the cold on a Saturday afternoon on an industrial estate with two children for an hour? Yeah, you're talking to a pro. Next door. Do you know what else to go for now? Go to the shops or anything? There was a garage at one point. Oh. 20 minutes in, I took them across the road to the garage. They got a Kit Kat and a Twix. Next door was a trampoline park, so you could see children having fun.

49:47Yeah, no, because where I go, sometimes I take the kids because they like it, but basically two men do the outside, and then you get out, and it takes them like 15 minutes, but it's not like a full ballet. it's just a bit of a hoover because it was one guy yeah it was just like and you know when you're

50:02Josh Widdicombe:watching someone you feel for him because he's it's a big old job for him but also you're like how can i it was about 15 minutes in and i was like oh fuck this is gonna this isn't yeah and by that point you're like if i'd known at the start maybe we could have gone to the trampoline park but you know what i mean and then you know for next time though you're just exploring your new world down there Josh. I've never experienced a longer hour in my life from trying to entertain children in the freezing cold. What did you do? We balanced on some beams for quite a while. We went to the garage. We watched people use the furry monster.

50:42Josh Widdicombe:It was interminable. And you know what? And that is 75 % of the time you'll have with them. And you know you just soak that up. You could be being paid to do a childhood dream on the telly with some of your comedy heroes. Yeah. I've made my choice. And the choice is the hairy monster. And just to the producer of QI, I will be back next year. I will put a hundred quid on you being on the next year of QI. Right, small business shout out. Yeah. Here we go, Josh. Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. I've been a fan of the pod since having my daughter, Orla, in 2021, and it's got me through many sleepless nights and commutes.

51:26It's Orla's uncle Dan's 40th birthday. We love to give his small business a shout out. He runs Dan's Scarlet Garden Design and offers anything from a full garden design, small planting plan or garden consultancy. He's based in Suffolk, but covers the Southeast, including Essex, Norfolk and Sussex. you can check out his website at dan scarlet garden design.com and his instagram is dan scarlet garden design happy 40th birthday to you too rob many thanks hannah and orla in suffolk

52:01Josh Widdicombe:can i just say i went to a lovely small business on saturday and i'd like to just give them a very quick shout out yeah pom pom stitch tassel in buvy trace which is where my daughter sorry sorry say all that again it's where my daughter did her sewing machine lessons and she made a what the pom-pom stitch tassel it's called. Pom-pom stitch tassel and Bobby Tracy. Bobby Tracy. Oh yeah, I hadn't thought the book. Pom-pom stitch tassel and Bobby Tracy. Is that a riddle? What's the riddle answer? The riddle answer is if you want a lovely sewing lesson or if you want a party sewing themed party Emma who runs it was so nice and she didn't ask for a business small business shout out but I thought This is such a brilliant place.

52:50It's too embarrassing to say all those words together out loud. You know, she can't type them down. Pom-pom stitch tassel Bobby Tracy. Yeah, all right, mate. Stop winding me up. You're going to ask her Amanda Hug and Kiss in a minute. Oh, that's nice, though. So that's a good place to go if you want a party or sewing. My daughter's getting a sewing machine lesson as well. Is that weird, that? We didn't speak about this at all, but we've both got sewing machines. And it's a good skill to have. Do you know what I mean? Just for her to learn so she can start taking my trousers up. Imagine you're in the same boat.

53:20Can you take my pants up, please? I need a 17-inch inner thigh.

53:26Josh Widdicombe:Hi, Rob and Josh. I'm a mum of two and a founder of a small self-funded business run almost entirely during naps, breastfeeding at 3am and answering customer emails one-handed. After leaving my job while pregnant with my second, I opened Fifi Fan Club, F-E-F-I Fan Club in Islington, offering flexible short-term drop-off childcare for London parents who need a breather. An hour or two to exercise, take a meeting, sit in silence, or remember who they were before kids. No fancy memberships, no commitment, just hear whatever parents need us. That's a great idea. I have a three-year-old and a four-month-old.

54:04Josh Widdicombe:I opened up the business in April and haven't taken a day off since. A small business shout-out would mean the world. And I reckon we're offering something your listeners was absolutely love i agree uh thanks for making parenting feel less lonely and more funny sasha founder of fifi fan club love it if i was there i was really able to help my my new humphrey work-life balance um any small business people out there good luck because it is hard you can't take days off you're not allowed to be sick no holiday pay but it's worth it in the end if you if you stick with it in most cases so good luck to anyone with their small business yeah whether it's you know if before you know it you could you could be josh willow could be in complete denial that he's not going to do qi again managing his diary whether you would have snaffled that up at the start of your small business career exactly and i i felt sad because it felt like a bit of a oh am i entering a new era of life and i thought that as i got the train to Sunday brunch.

55:09All right. See you next week, Josh. Bye. Everyone. Bye.

55:22Josh Widdicombe:Hello, Parenting Hell listeners. Recognise that voice? Yes. It's Josh Widdick. Come here.

55:30Josh Widdicombe:I have got a new podcast Josh Whittacombe's Museum of Pop Culture and I'm gonna say it I'm about 85 % sure you're gonna love it here are the reasons why number one I'm confident if you're listening now you don't hate me and possibly think I'm funny number two I'm confident if you're listening now you like podcasts number three I'm confident if you're listening to me and Rob you prefer pop culture to people talking about things let's be honest boring things like history, economics or politics. I know I do and that is why I made this podcast. I wanted a show that tells the stories I love from popular culture in the way other podcasts do for drier topics.

56:07Josh Widdicombe:See above. Basically, I wanted a podcast that realised Milli Vanilli were more interesting than Elizabeth I. Join me as I give the definitive, or at least the funniest, takes on Mr Blobby. When Ghostwatch convinced BBC viewers ghosts were real. When a band burned a million pounds for a laugh. The Spice Girls, a truly catastrophic Spider-Man musical with music from U2, and David Hasselhoff, Baywatch, and his part in The Fall of the Berlin Wall. All of them are real, by the way. Either you know what these things are, and you're about to learn far more about them than you ever realised you wanted to, or you don't, and you're about to be introduced to some of the maddest things in modern or ancient history.

56:45Josh Widdicombe:Stiff necks will learn, loose necks will laugh. New episodes available every Wednesday and Saturday, perfect to fill those gaps between your weekly doses of parenting hell. So go on, you might as well listen, subscribe and follow wherever you get your podcasts now. Museum of Pop Culture with me, Josh Whittacombe. Available everywhere on the 1st of January.