S13 EP15: I've completed parenting (and a voicenote from Lou)

22:41Josh Widdicombe:worried it's too much the sun has just come out on me as we've had this discussion as if to try and pale me out no you you need a gentle glow is what i'd say to compete with the full glam squad makeup i can't be stood next to you know um well you do like a ghost i know i know a ghost in the studio but so um i've got i don't know who's doing yours but there's a guy i'd recommend because you can tell him to do a subtle glow have you done a spray tan i did it when i did tempting fortune i did a spray tan and i did a spray tan because that was all away i was in shorts and t-shirts and it was on a really bright sunny beach so it looked i looked like i've been there on holiday whatever and i had a spray tan for when i did that saturday that um unbreakable show for the bbc because again it was all outside and if you looked you just look like an ill man walking around the gardens of a stately home what's it like rob what's it like i'm not going dick out am i no definitely don't go you'll get you'll be giving giving little pants like massage pants it's a little pants like those you know like massage

23:52josh we're gonna have to get to the knee at least we're gonna have to see the knee when we're so you're gonna have to put on tiny little pants you're not used to yeah then you basically stand in like a little little tent and you stand with your they'll put little like stick like stick things on your palms so you don't get orange palms too much and you'll stand like that like hostage with your legs wide and they'll do the front you turn around they do the back and it's like have you ever had one of those fans that have water in it that missed you and call you down if you're a theme park it's like that but all over your body what happens then do i go for a shower or is that done no no no no no no you just let it you let it air dry they'll probably have like a hair dryer type thing that will dry you in there as well so they'll mist you they'll dry you and then depending on how deep you want it you you may shower may not shower or they'll tell you what how to deal with it there and after oh my god what if i think but what you want is just to take the edge off what do you mean by that you don't want to look that no one what you don't want is when they turn the telly on if you're on strictly and someone goes bloody hell, Josh has got a nice colour.

25:01Too much. What you want is it to be non-remarkable. Yes. So not that, oh, my God, look how pale he is, or, oh, my God, look how brown he's got. You just want a no-one-comments level of colour. Yeah, okay. So you're just taking the edge off. So, yeah. What you don't, well, what I would love to see, Bob Monkhouse. I want a deep, he's been in Barbados six months, Tan. I love Bob Monk. Do you know, when I look at Bob Monk house, I don't know if I'm right or wrong. I felt like he'd go to Barbados for six months, come back, bang out a load of quiz shows and do a load of gigs in the evening where we did loads of naughty blue rude stuff and then just pissed off to Barbados again.

25:44That's the dream, isn't it? Yeah. So yeah, I think, I think you need to do it. It'll make you feel. As I say, you're born in the wrong age.

25:50Josh Widdicombe:You are born in the wrong era. You're born in the wrong era. Rob, a couple of things. Go on. First one, we've got Lou's voice note. Morning, morning. Right, I'm going to respond properly to the egregious accusations being thrown at me by Rob. I would like to... Just to pause. Yeah, what's egregious mean? Good or bad? Bad. Bad? Bad, okay. I just wanted to pause for this moment to say the accusations are that Lou got in a mood when you were driving through France or Germany and she was trying to take her hair extensions out. Yeah. and she wouldn't let you butter a roll or something like that. So basically, we were having some sandwiches.

26:35I said, I don't want to stop for 10 minutes while you make sandwiches. Can you not make some sandwiches on your lap quickly? And then she kicked off about it and was putting crumbs everywhere. And then she continued to remove her own hair extensions using pliers that we got from the Carrefour, if that's how you say it, someone told me I said it wrong, and some coconut oil that we found. And hair extensions are still being found in the boot of that car as we speak. preface preface preface all of this with i completely understand and accept and acknowledge um that's taking out my own hair extensions in a car full of my family smashing down the autobahn what is not ideal i think as a slight bit of context i know myself and i had reached the point with my hair extensions I probably should have if I'd had time before Germany I should have had them gone and had them had them no I can't get my words out I should have gone and had them taken out that didn't happen and so I'd started like fiddling with them I'd also melted some of them at the top where I curled my hair too quickly but that's by the by I'd started fiddling with them and even though I know sitting and popping them out one by like one hair at a time is just wrecking my hair i couldn't i couldn't i couldn't stop myself i couldn't stop myself so i made what was the best of two bad decisions at the time which was to ask rob to get some pliers and coconut oil from carpool when he went to get driving stacks and take them out myself and i was like i've got time i've got nothing but time today to sit in the front and just we you know it wasn't that bad it wasn't that bad the hair what i would say is that if france gave out more plastic bags at supermarkets i could have put them all in the plastic bag they don't they gave us everything in one big paper bag which i was using as a rubbish bag which had already been thrown in the bin full of rubbish first off this is another one point five i could have popped all the hair extensions in i was keeping them in a nice neat pile down by my feet ready to throw out to the next bin yes there was some hair in the car but not loads i would just like to say josh you know You know Rob very well.

28:47There is an element of performativeness here, isn't there? He was sitting next to me going... There was hair in my mouth. There was not that much hair. The one coming back in the window was quite funny. But again, that was one solid bit of hair, like one chunk. Came back in, hit my daughter in the face, went in the boot. Not a big deal. It really was not that bad. One hair in the mouth, too many hairs in the mouth. That's all right. It was not that bad. I think we just need... How long's this voice, though?

29:17Josh Widdicombe:Seven minutes 20. It's so long. She's making it clear it's not that bad. Well, yeah, I think she's overcompensating. Do you? Yeah, I think she knows it, but she's trying to justify it. It sounds fine to me. It sounds totally fine. Of course it does, needle dick. Put it into context of Rob as well. And also, I just would like to kind of slightly defend myself because there's going to be hairdressers going, what the fuck were you doing? I acknowledge that is not the right way to take hair extensions out of your hair. And I probably yanked half my hair out at the same time. But I was making the least bad decision of bad decisions while accepting that I do not have the self-control to not start peeling them out my hair.

30:00Josh Widdicombe:It's good to know yourself, Rob. Once they're at that point. I think that's the bigger problem, isn't it? She doesn't have self-control to stop her pulling her own hair out. No. 60-40 on the hair extensions. It was nowhere near as bad as Rob. He's still on the hair extensions. He's trying to make out. And it kept me very entertained for the entire car journey. So, you know, there's that. The sandwiches, sorry, the sandwiches, this is where I will not, I will not take any slander. Oh. He didn't, I'm sorry, if you can buy pliers in Carrefour, you can buy a knife. I was like, oh, there's no plastic ones.

30:31Fuck you. I said to her, get a spoon or knife. There wasn't any. There wasn't any. I looked. I said to her, I can't get any cutlery. Can you get some from the hotel? did you just say fuck you yeah i did okay fuck you yeah i did yeah yeah i did actually yeah just checking i can get i've got receipts and get this text message exchange up okay well let's let's focus on this at the moment like coffee stirrers have got no structural integrity for me to use like french butter on a really crusty baguette that's that's got no structural integrity that is breaking straight away splinters in your baguette so there was nothing i didn't want to steal one from the hotel because you know it didn't feel right um thoughts i could agree with her point but i would have just one would have accidentally fell in my bag when in the in the in the business of getting ready in the room oh look unfortunately what i paid for that room as well i'm sure they can survive a spoon going missing so i yeah so i'm with the baguette so we're out the car less than i genuinely less than three minutes for this week because you just pull straight off the motorway the kind of the glorified shed with the nice toilets in is there right so it's not a proper service you just pull straight off have you wash your hands get back in bash three minutes less than three minutes we've been out of the car and i was like i'm just gonna make sandwiches now and then he's already going about the hair i was like well no it's a really long drive and i just i just want to get back on i just want to get back on the road i was like it It will take me two minutes maximum.

32:00Like you can time me. Is that fair? I just wanted to get going. It wouldn't have taken two minutes. It would have taken longer. I would have just preferred to just get going. But I can see a point. About these baguettes. I don't have any implements. So I'm just going to rip the baguette. Rip it open. Butter it with my hands. And then I could have washed my hands as well. I could have actually washed my hands. Stick some ham and cheese in and off we go. I was like, two minutes. It'll take me two minutes. We spent longer arguing about doing the baguettes in or out the car than we would have if I just had to make them.

32:34That's a good point. Don't argue, just get on with it then. Don't argue then, just get on with it. If she's bothered about wasting time, don't argue about it, just get on with it.

32:43Josh Widdicombe:We weren't letting her get on with it.

32:48You're determined. I thought I'd buried this argument with Lou. I feel like I'm going to have it again tonight when she listens to this. It is a really crusty baguette. I'm going to have to do that on. Was it? What's that? A crusty baguette? It was just a baguette. It was just a baguette. It was crusty baguette and there was some problem. In a car, it's going to go all underneath me. I was wearing shorts because it was hot. I'm like, that's going to be baguette in every crevice of my seat underneath me. I offered to check for him. Like sticking to my legs. I'm going to have to brush it onto the floor so then it's all in front.

33:20Let me have a look at the clean air. Is that what I offered? I was like, it's going to take me two minutes. I'm the one doing the driving and I just really want to get back on the road. I don't want to waste any time. I'm like, two fucking minutes, mate. I was like, do you know what? Also, I had offered to drive. You didn't want to take me up on the offer. Was it an empty offer? Yes, would I have done it? She was never driving. She never drives. You're never going to drive. Not in a million years. Motorway in France, big car. I still like the big car. Sucks a little car. She's never going to drive.

33:52Also, she'd hold it over me, I reckon. oh you make the baguettes mate I wouldn't have driven because I was taking extensions out of my hair but that's by the by I would have driven if he'd asked half a head of hair the reason why I was cross about it was I was like it would have taken me two minutes to make those baguettes he was just cross about the hair extensions

34:11Josh Widdicombe:and old friend Andy was further down the motorway than us and he was like we're running really behind we're going to be I was like grow up and so then because I'm petty and have you know a slow propensity to spite, decided to make a performance. I was being equally performative. This is about the hair, about the crumbs. But I think also I'd say hair is very soft. The odd few strands of very silky hair extension, and it is the odd few strands, very soft. They don't itch. They don't do anything. They just float around and go out the window. Baguette crumbs, two crusty baguettes being broken and made, goes flipping everywhere.

34:53So I didn't want to sit on it for the next three hours to Germany. So I crouched up on my seat and I was performatively brushing it off because Rob and I are petty and retaliatory.

35:04Josh Widdicombe:There we go. Like to one-up each other. I was right. She's overly performative. She's agreed with me. She's agreed with me. She's overly performative with the crumbs. It wasn't that bad. What are you taking from this? Yeah. It's too long. but yeah that's the hair extension baguette story so I would like to accept and apologise for my part in the hair extensions there was some hair in the car it wasn't anywhere near as much as he's saying but you know fine I accept that that was not a good or rational decision and also the baguettes I think was wildly unreasonable to Paul I'm the one driving how is she still talking two minutes two minutes you can never finish the voice though done well what I'd like to say is thank you very much for your apology Lou I've taken it on board and appreciate your apology and the fact that you won't do it next time, thank you oh my god, is there anything you'd like to apologise for Rob?

36:06absolutely not, no, I'd like to apologise on behalf of the carry four for not having utensils and I'd like to apologise

36:16Josh Widdicombe:it would have taken two minutes and then Lou wouldn't have been sitting on all these crumbs. Yeah. Yeah, it could have, but we didn't, and she was. So, but she's apologised now. We're moving on, and she's a bigger person. Well done, her. Well done, Lou. Hope you're happy. Anyway, we'll talk about it. How was your wife? How was your life? Oh, we got stuck on the eyes of silly. That sounds like the start of a riddle. I got stuck on the eyes of silly with my little friend called Billy. We went out on the bend, couldn't find the 10, but we landed on his willy. What happened? So that's a helicopter.

36:56Josh Widdicombe:You've got the main words. Yeah, I couldn't be bothered to write the rest. Just speak quick. So we've got the helicopter over, Rob. Yeah, which is a thing. I thought you were like Kanye West or Jay-Z. No, no. But it's actually how people get there. Yeah. We go every hour. Did you feel safe on it? They stressed me out a bit, helicopters. Yeah, I did feel safe on it. I didn't like the takeoff. I didn't know. Have you ever been in a helicopter? Yes. I didn't know. I just thought they went up, but they kind of go forward. They take off a bit like a plane. Yeah, it's a bit, oh, I don't love it. I was over a volcano in Iceland, so slightly different vibe.

37:31Well, I was over Penzance.

37:32Josh Widdicombe:Either way, if you're going down, it's game over. Yeah, yeah, whatever you're above. Nothing soft enough for it to be fine. No. I was over a mattress factory, so I was pretty confident. But if you could just go past all the trampoline parks, that would be better for my... confidence so you got so why do you get stuck because of the weather yeah so when were you supposed to come back so we were meant to come back on the thursday we'd flown out on the monday right tuesday they called me flown out monday tuesday they called me just so you know yeah there's not really going to be any flights on thursday due to visibility so you can either come back wednesday or friday oh okay or get the boat right the boat the helicopter's 15 minutes the boat is three hours okay yeah and also if it's bad upstairs it must be bad downstairs on the water you know i mean it's never perfect on the sea exactly that was a lot of that was the that was the vibe i was getting from rose as i was trying to sort this out if you yeah which was that that whatever suggestion i made was the wrong one was the vibe i was getting so what did you decide to do so rose arrived a day late because i don't really want to i can't deal with this but let's just knock it out we are down to one cat i'm so sorry fluffball got hit by a car in our road when we were in cornwall found by the neighbor um grim two weeks after beryl had died absolutely fucking awful times i just can't i just can't engage talk about it anymore okay i do yeah it's really not my scene to talk about it no i don't think it would also from a comedy entertainment pod angle yeah probably not great no it's just we to book you on zoe born joe wiley's a big fan of this kind of chat it might clip up well this well they might clip up well for so if you don't want to talk about it if you could just for the you know the virality of the clip and just to bring a few eyeballs you know if any positive has to come from these two horrible incidents surely you know this one was CPM could make you feel better yeah this one was much worse because Beryl had had a good innings yeah oh god So you're down to Dean.

40:02Josh Widdicombe:Anyway. Is it called Dean? Follow and subscribe.

40:11What's the, what's the... Tilly. What have you got left? Pardon? Tilly. Tilly. Right. Are you staying, are you going to stay at one or you're not just not thinking?

40:21Josh Widdicombe:Can I give a shout out to the lovely man, Nick, from, let me get his company name because he's so great. hopefully we'll never be using him again for a while he's not the cremator is he yeah okay moreview pet crematorium mad little shout out there so you've done him twice in a week has he got a rule though if it's three times in a month he has to ring the authorities we've got we get we actually get our next cremation free um no of course not sorry

40:57Josh Widdicombe:at the end of the year so there's quite a lot of pressure

41:06Josh Widdicombe:no he's so nice the vet set us up with him the first time second time i rung him direct and he's and i don't know whether this is true but the vet told me that the reason he set up his business is because he'd had a bad experience with someone who was in that job so he thought i could do this better and do it more kind of kindly nicely so so well i'm sorry i'm really sorry for you and the kids it was grim it was grim yeah next we're stuck in the house of silly of course uh just clip the instagram clip there michael Um.

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43:20Josh Widdicombe:so rose is only arriving on the tuesday so i'm like we can't go home the wednesday that would be mental yeah well she was was she sorting some of that out then so you went yeah so i went and i bought uh i bought boat tickets for the thursday i just did it yeah could you not come back on the friday did you have work and stuff i had work on the friday all right so you had to get back plus there was nowhere to stay because the island's full of people yeah so so you'd be basically homeless on the isle of tresco grieving grieving with poor visibility so you can't even know where to look to be sad don't talk to me about i can't think about paws um but um it's just a cat joke Sorry.

44:11Sorry, I won't do any more. She's doing them loads in my head now, but not...

44:17Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, okay. Do you want to? No, what do you? You don't want to do? I'll take them. No, but we'll leave it. I've done one. I'll do eight more, and that'll be it.

44:36So... I just don't want to... You know what? Reduce the meow morale. I'm trying to do a meow morale, but it's not really working. It's not, is it? Meow. Meow. No. Sorry. Sorry. Apologize.

44:53Josh Widdicombe:So we got the boat back. Apologize. Apologize. Yeah. Sorry. We got the boat back. Cut a long story short. How was the boat? Do you know what? It was actually quite nice. I was, I was worried it would be too choppy. Yeah, but it's a good experience for the kids. You can get them little travel sickness tablets for kids as well. We have them. They were fine. They were fine. We actually, um, do you know what? I think I've got a pretty good constitution for stuff like that. Cause people are quite surprised that I can read in the car, but I can always read in the car. And some people get sick with that.

45:28Josh Widdicombe:I just don't. That's good. Yeah. So we got that back. Yeah. And then we got home and then we were quite sad. And then school started. yeah so that's to say no it's a bleak way to end we'll do it's been quite a difficult one for you hasn't it this episode i've got something that could sort of change shift the all that look also as well i've known about this information for quite a little while yeah we've spoken about it you know over message as well as now so i i and i don't want to talk too much about how hard and horrible it all is because it'll just mean you getting upset and it's not really yeah helpful no it's not ideal um so i can try and give us give me a funny anecdote okay i've been eating too much protein so my piss stinks what if you eat too much protein your piss stinks does it really bad you've been eating too much protein gains uh i want a sexy body i want to try and lose a bit of weight and uh but how much protein have you been eating Quite a lot of protein, actually.

46:34So talk me through your meal for the day. Well, no, so what I did, I've been cooking a lot of chicken and then having it for lunch all week. So my lunch would be a little micro-flavable packet of rice and two breasts of chicken. Yeah. But then in the morning, I'll probably have lots of eggs or maybe cottage cheese on toast, which is protein. And then I'd have some sort of, maybe again for dinner, two breast chicken breasts and some rice.

46:58Josh Widdicombe:Oh, my God. So it's quite a lot. And then the other day I bought girls' milkshakes, but I bought them protein shakes by mistake and realised, actually, you can overload a kid's sister with protein. So I only let them have a sip. So I drunk 50 grams of protein. Oh, my God. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Are you shitting okay? Really well, actually. That was the real shock of it all. Because when I've gone high protein, it's blocked me up. Yeah, because you get all your protein from cheese. Yeah. So where else, if you're going protein heavy, where are you getting your cheese? If I'm going protein heavy, which I don't really, is cheese.

47:37Well, it would be cottage cheese, Greek yoghurt, tofu, if I have to.

47:45Josh Widdicombe:It's a lot of dairy for the belly. And, you know, a protein shake, I suppose. I think it's just too much dairy, that is. Right, okay. So you're shitting well? As well as ever. It's good to know. They'd have a lot of curry at the weekend. What does your piss smell of?

48:05Imagine walking into a flat that's had a dead building in it for two months and the cat's pissed all over it. Don't bring up cats. Sorry. Well, it does smell like cat. Okay. I've tried to take away and I've brought it straight back, but yeah, it smells of ammonia. Okay. It smells like your jacket after Beryl's had a go on it. Oh, RIP. what I'd give for a cat to be pissing on my jacket. Yeah, so be warned if you're a bit of a protein game. That can happen. I can't base it off.

48:38Josh Widdicombe:Has that affected what you're doing? Well, yeah. Me and Lou are about to change things in the bedroom now because the smell puts her off. Before it was fine. Judged by that message, I don't think you and Lou are going great guns in the bedroom.

48:56well i cannot confirm or deny if there's crumbs in the crevices

49:03i would not like to assume oh someone thinks you oh george groves a boxer message said you look exactly like tom o'dell i googled him you do when he's not gone straightened hair you look loads like him he used to live on the next street to me as well what in east london or in devon yeah Yeah, we've never straightened your hair. I think it's too much. But when he's got his curly hair, you look so much alike. I know. I know. What's he like? Good guy?

49:31Josh Widdicombe:Sweet bloke. Yeah, really nice. Have you chatted to him in coffee shops? Yeah, I have, yeah. I've met him a few times. Have you got fluffball back then from the place? Yeah. Your shelf's getting busy. I know. We can have such a mad shelf. So how many are up there? Three. standard room only really ironic for Fluffle all of them really yeah we're gonna have to get some more cats Rob and shells I'd pitch what's that bloke's name I might invest in his company look mate I'm gonna buy 30 % Winnicott just bought three more cats let's talk you run it off on nil yeah get some more cats go on yeah alright well I'll get back to you on that

50:23Josh Widdicombe:now it's time for small business shout out brought to you by Vistaprint your expert print partner to help you bring your ideas to life Rob talk to me about how Vistaprint can help you with your small business here's an idea first of all I hate badly printed merch you know when you go somewhere you're going to see a new band or something you want their merch and it's ruined in one go in the washing machine it's heartbreaking the mug when you think I can't dry clean this not dry clean it I can't dry clean it I don't know how dry cleaning works sure you've got to give it a bit of water I've never understood it Rob I never am going to I'm never going to look into it imagine you're starting a new dry cleaning business you've got some merch you want it printed well because that mug sorry you're a dry cleaning business doing your own merch for the dry cleaning business exactly fair enough it's a popular dry cleaning business yeah and what is the new band doing pressing trousers in the interval exactly Do you know what I love?

51:19A branded t-shirt for a small business. So, building firms. We had a building firm and they came and they've all got the matching polo shirts with the matching logo and they all look clean, they all look smart and at that point I don't care what they're doing to my foundations, I trust the polo. Exactly, trust the polo. It looks different, so they look like a professional outfit.

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