S13 EP16: I Love Doing The Big Shop

0:00For adults with Crohn's disease or ulcerative colitis symptoms, every choice matters. Tremphaya offers self-injection or intravenous infusion from the start. Tremphaya is administered as injections under the skin or infusions through a vein every four weeks, followed by injections under the skin every four or eight weeks. If your doctor decides that you can self-inject Tremphaya, proper training is required. Tremphaya is a prescription medicine used to treat adults with moderately to severely active Crohn's disease and adults with moderately to severely active ulcerative colitis. Serious allergic reactions, increased risk of infections or lower ability to fight them, and liver problems may occur.

0:40Before treatment, get checked for infections and tuberculosis. Tell your doctor if you have an infection, flu-like symptoms, or need a vaccine. Explore what's possible. Ask your doctor about Tremphaya today. Call 1-800-526-7736 to learn more or visit TremfierRadio.com. Queen Carvania stood haloed by the morning sun. An army hung on her every word. My champions, I have sold my chariot on Carvana. T 'was a lovely SUV, an inexplicably queenly offer. They're even coming to the castle to collect it. tonight we feast an offer you can feast on sell your car today on Carvana pick up fees mail by hey parents how do you make smarter choices for your kids college today that's where Sally can help with Sally you can find scholarships funding options tools and guidance all in one place and if you need a loan Sally has options for different families and different situations College is only worth it if you do it right.

1:51So don't just help your kid go. Help them go smarter. sally.com slash go parents. This episode is presented by TUI. Look, you've got to love a family holiday, Josh. Oh, you've got to love it. Who wouldn't love it, Rob? You know what the problem with the holidays is, right? You don't get enough of them. That's the problem. Exactly. So you need to make the most of your holiday, which is why TUI gives you more. So that's got to be easy booking for incredible destinations with amazing hotels that offer all the things you love. perfect beaches, mouth-watering food, on-site splash parks, wellness centres, swim-up suites and fun stuff for the kids.

2:25And now you can get even more by joining the brand new Tui Smiles Rewards Club for free. We're talking members-only deals, personalised rewards from Tui and some of their brilliant partners and plenty of chances to win amazing prizes. Love it. Get more from your holiday book now and discover the Tui Smiles Rewards Club at tui.co.uk. Atoll and Abta protected. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Alfie, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. And can you say Josh Widdicombe? Josh Widdicombe. Well done. Like it. There we go. This is Alfie, 30 months from Northampton, who really lives up to being the wild second child.

3:11Me and my sister have been listening since the beginning, so this will be a nice surprise for her to hear her nephew. we came to your o2 show and have seen you both separately thank you for making me laugh on my drives to work lauren 388 months thank you for coming to our shows lauren without people like you we won't be doing this will be josh so thank you very much for listening supporting us yeah thanks to our fans josh i did a tour show this week did you i know why did you say that i did do a tour show this week where so well do you remember when i was gonna i think we can say this i was toying with going to australia to do gigs yes well that was like penciled in for september for late september yeah so we got in three warm-up dates to get you ready for australia put them on sale they sell out so you're getting warmed up for strictly by doing three gigs that So no, I can't go to Australia because of other work.

4:12That's fine because it wasn't on sales. That's okay. You can go Australia another time. No problem. Great. But three warm updates already sold out. So what ones have you done? I did Exmouth Pavilion on Friday night. How was that? A fire alarm went off during the second half. I mean, that's better in a way because you just want to just be funny. You don't have to remember the show anymore. You just be funny for a bit. I did a lot of audience stuff, Rob. And it was really funny and it was really fun. and then I said I've got Barnstable in a few weeks. Is anyone going to come to that one? And one guy said, well, I might have to because I want to see the show.

4:48That's a fair point. I felt bad. Well, you filmed it. It's going on telly, isn't it? I said the beauty of live theatre is that it's different every night. Exactly. It just so happens that there's none of the material. Unless I'm in a run of 50 gigs without a day off and it will probably be exactly the same. Yeah, yeah, exactly. But when I've forgotten it, it will be different every night. Yeah, exactly. I think that's when comedians are at their best, though, sometimes like that. I do. I totally agree. You're getting a much more unique experience of it. But both good. When you're just slick and into your material and know it, like back around, it's so good because it's unrelenting.

5:28But then I think it's also just as much fun sitting a comedian like being between that. Totally. I'm telling myself that because I've got to do a gig next week at the Palladium and I have not gigged for ages. Is that the Jack D gig? Yeah. I can't remember any of my stuff that I did before really. And I don't really want to do it anymore because I've done so much of it, but I haven't got anything else new. Oh God. You're not going to warm up for 10 minutes at a mixed bill show. No, no, I'm not going to know. But I'm saying that's what I mean. So you can't do anything new is what I mean. It's not like you go, well, I'll just get 10 minutes together by gigging all week.

6:01Why are you going out daddy? Oh, I'm warming up for a show where I'm doing 10 minutes on a mixed beer. Can't you just talk at them? Well, yes and no, but no, it needs to look like I'm just talking at them. But actually, it takes ages to get to the point where it looks like I'm talking at them. Because if I do just talk at them, it's very apparent I'm just talking at them. It's quite a difficult job, actually. Stand up is definitely the hardest job. Out of all of the jobs I think I've done in entertainment, it's easily the hardest by a country mark. Yeah. It's the only one that, I was going to say stand-up is the only one who makes me feel worthless because it can go so badly wrong.

6:40But then I've had some panel shows like that, Rob. Well, no, not worthless, but it's like if you have a bad one, it's very apparent and horrific. If you, like, for example, I did a quiz show run-through thing for a pilot that went really well and I really enjoyed it. But if I was terrible at that, you can only be so terrible because there's a framework around all you've got to do is apologize and go okay the question is and just bark it out and then shut up for a minute whereas in stand-up it if it starts going bad it's such a domino effect of hell because it will end up just you in front of 2 000 people sat there in silence you have nothing funny to say yeah but i think crowd work look if i'm doing a bit of crowd work for the next few months as i get bits together i'm good at crowd work it's fine if that That was my whole act forever.

7:30Fair enough. It's cheating. Criticise me. But yeah, so I think it's fine. I'm looking forward to it. It's a great lineup. It's a Jack D charity gig. He's done 40 years in comedy. 40 years in comedy. So he's celebrating by doing a big charity gig, raising money for a hospice, I think. He loves stand-up. Yeah. He's just done Edinburgh, full Edinburgh, and then he's just come off a back tour. His kids have left home and he's gone, let's fucking gig again. Well, I think it's the right way around. the Jack Dean model because he we spoke to him that big gap didn't he when they're about our age but I was thinking about this like I love doing stand up and always want to do it but like I'm having a bit of time off in this autumn I have to be doing something because I had a mole cut out of my back right so I can't exercise for two weeks I thought the mole would just be like whipped off wouldn't even notice it normal plaster it's got five stitches oh my word it's got a lot of stitches so can you not play golf either can't play golf can't run can't do anything that makes you sort of hot and sweaty or moving a bit.

8:30It's been a week now, so I've only got another week to go. It probably would be fine. Yeah, like for Luke, I don't think that makes you hot and sweaty. Kids are a couple of days off. Catch your breath, love. We'll be back on it in a fortnight. Anyway, so I've realised that, like, I can't just do nothing. You know, like, I can't just sit. I have to, like, even if I'm not working. You couldn't be Bob Monkhouse going to the Caribbean. No, I could, but I'd be playing golf all day at the Caribbean. Oh, so golf is your way to do nothing. Yeah, golf or playing football. If I physically, I sort of need to be run like a dog.

9:09So I need to be physically tired. So normally my workload would do that. So if I'm going to give you a week, right? Yeah. Could you live like this? Go on. Monday, Tuesday. Yeah. Get up. The kids have left home. Yeah. So there's no children at all. They're all completely gone. No children. Monday, Tuesday, get up, have a coffee, amble down to the golf course, play a round of golf, get back, have dinner, look at your phone while the football's on in the background for five days. Five days, I think I'd get bored of doing that same thing, but I definitely could do that for three days and then something else in the other two days.

9:49What's your something else? I play football, five-sided football. I play football. Ideal scenario is Monday, do the podcast with you because I do enjoy it. right? Yeah. Right. So I've got to do some work. I'm not going to work like I did before, but so I work Mondays is the football podcast, parent and help podcast. All the, all my admin Monday, Tuesday, football, comedians, football. Yeah. Then Wednesday golf Thursday. I'll go for a run. Yeah. Maybe have a bit of a chill sort out the house. That can't fill you. That can't fill your day. Friday golf again. Your Thursday is go for a run. I've got Saturday and Sunday to film.

10:28Fuck it. What do these people do? Book me a tour. Book me a tour. Well, no, I think I probably would go and do a couple of gigs. I enjoy gigging. I would put in a perfect week. This sounds a bit sad. I would put in maybe on that Thursday night, I'd go out and do some gigs. Rob Beckett's perfect week. Yeah. So Thursday, I'd do the run in the morning, then come home and sort of chill for a bit. And then that night, I'd have a couple of gigs booked in. A couple of gigs? Yeah, like all 10-minute gigs. I've been going all the way up to central London for one 10-minute. I'd do like maybe a couple of 20-minute gigs, two clubs, one at 8 o 'clock, one at half nine.

11:05And what are you doing in your evenings? The other evenings, cooking for my beloved wife, Lou. The thing is, I do think Lou gets a bit bored of me interrupting her watching her programmes because I talk a lot. My perfect week may impact Lou's perfect week.

11:23do you think there's a chance you're going to be in your in 10 years time go on you're going to be sat in separate setting rooms watching different programs 10 years time that's my current situation it's not always but a lot yeah well i don't want to watch real housewives and she doesn't want to watch the football but we do come together for series and then it's every night so we'll bang through a series every night like when we watch rivals we did that every night for two weeks whenever we could depend on kids bedtime and stuff and then yeah if something else comes back back and we watched a documentary called murder in monaco the other night that was good oh yeah about that um murder in monaco yeah the guy 1999 billionaire got killed oh i quite enjoy that it's really good actually you've got to watch the bus rob it's in french though isn't it they've dubbed it have they yeah i can't listen to didier deschamps with a dubbing it's patrice evra raymond dominic was it oh it was that era yeah bakari sanger who doesn't look like that like you imagine he's changed his look well he's just i didn't recognize him for ages let's save that for the football one michael could you retire no i couldn't do days of nothing but i could happily just play poker go to the cinema and watch football for the rest of my life on repeat but will you get bored of that at a certain point or i think if i think if you've got enough Nope, absolutely not.

12:47But you need to have things. And I would get back into computer games. Yes. That's plenty. I can't wait for granted. And then maybe once a year I'd make a little podcast. Oh, here we go. The making of drawers. There we go. Five-parter. There we go. Little five-parters. You've got to do something. But that's not a job. No. You've got to do something creative with your mind. Yeah. And like I say, all the jobs we do, really, we're very lucky, are fun jobs the problem is we say yes to too many fun jobs and we're burning the candle at both ends and we're too tired to appreciate them and enjoy them that's our problem as opposed to we're not you know we're not mining we're not coal mining here but i'd have to i couldn't just not do anything whatever my job was in the main i'd have to do something you'd have to do something rob you'd have to do something yeah so what was the next thing we're going to talk about i can't remember we got loads of messages here series 13 episode 12 we rang the lady called camilla who left her mobile on the kids voice intro she was in in the parlor milking cows in brackets not so posh finally got around to listen to the voicemail from two sexual label comedians after putting my daughter's bed and ran down and said it was such excitement to tell my husband almost woke my daughter up so she was milking a cow camilla when you rang her oh i'm sorry i'm sorry camilla i definitely if i was milking cows i'd definitely have to be phone with me with a podcast on You don't want to listen to that squelching, do you?

14:09Have you heard, Rob, the clip? A cowbeam milked? No. No, it's a funny clip. It is a funny... The radio fail. The radio fail? It's an inappropriate joke, Rob, but I think we can enjoy it. Go on. When Jeremy Vine reads out the text. Okay, so this is... Our new feature is showing Josh the World Wide Web. Now, is Josh showing Rob the World Wide Web? Yeah, I'm into radio fails. Do you not like radio fails? Not really. I've not seen it. Is it like an Instagram page? Have you not heard the Colin Murray radio fail? No. This is amazing, Rob. This is so good. Oh, Rob, have you not heard this? No. You've got to wait to the end.

14:52Free. That track makes me feel like I'm standing in my local parking for Donald about to open my first can of cheap beer and try and touch the boob of the 14-year-old girl that lives next door to me. When you were 14. When I was 14. Obviously. Bob St. Clair. Fake 182. Let's get your latest news at half to in Radio 1. Kevin Stubberton. Prison for the man who used drugs to try and have sex with a 12-year-old. Radio 1. New speech. And pedophiles.

15:30I mean, the whole bit he did there was weird. Yeah. He just got on a roll and just... That's the problem. If you're on radio too much and get comfortable, you'll just try anything and forget that it's there forever. I'll show you another radio fail next time. So I do the World Wide Web. You do radio fails. Have you ever heard the Jodie Kidd radio fail? No. I didn't know you had such a niche intro. How are you accessing them so quickly? Here we go. This is good. I love it. There were some bright and sunny spells today. Top temperatures of four degrees. Right now in Covent Garden, it's zero. I'm Claire Miller, it's 603.

16:05Now, from Las Vegas Square, the capital breakfast show. Johnny Vaughan and Jodie Kidd. Good. Fuck off. Oh. Up in the morning. You hear that? Yeah, she just went, oh, fuck off. Yeah, it's great. I love them. Why did that? Do you know why that happened? Well, she pressed the wrong button or something, didn't she? Was she presenting? Yeah. Johnny Vaughan and Jodie Kidd. Yeah. Is she a model? Yeah, she's a model. Did you go out of Jamie Cullum? No, that's Sophie Dahl. Roald Dahl's daughter? Granddaughter. Granddaughter. She never gets in a Nepo baby smoke, does she? She doesn't. She sidestepped that.

16:55Who's your favourite Nepo baby? In what regard, though? I mean, I'll be hard pushed to be able to judge any of their output. Do you know what I mean? Like, I've not tried Brooklyn Beckham's hot sauce. I've not listened to much of Cruz Beckham. You know when celebrities and really famous people get married? Well. It rarely works. They must have some dollar. She was, you know, Cullum's earned a couple of quid. Living off the old wild dollar money. Do you know what I mean? Willy Wonka's still bashing out. Do you know what I mean? People grafting on that. She's having a little bit of a tickle from that, isn't she, Soph?

17:28I think she's probably got good money in her own right as well. Absolutely. But you're not going to say no to a bit of little Willy Wonka spare change, are you? Exactly. Exactly, Rob. No, but you know when really famous people get married? Like Taylor Swift and Travis Kels. Yeah. Kelsey? Is it Kelsey? Kelsey, sorry. It's so rare that they're still together 40 years later, isn't it? I can barely name anyone. A celebrity couple that's lasted. A celebrity couple? So Jay-Z and Beyonce. Yeah. And I suppose the Beckhams. The Beckhams? But then the Beckhams have still got kids in school. Jules and Jamie Oliver.

18:03Jules and Jamie Oliver. That's a nice one. I love Jules and Jamie Oliver. Yeah. They seem like a nice couple, don't they? They do, don't they? I like Jamie Oliver. I think if you went round their house for dinner, there'll be a right laugh. If I went round the Beckham's for dinner, I'd be a bit like, what's going on here? Am I like, what's going on? Have I got to go and awkwardly stand with David as he cooks one mushroom in his weird tent? Or am I having a glass of wine with Victoria? are what what where i imagine it's like it's a little bit more all in one room at the all of us oh wait a minute i'm taking a photo of the family for instagram that's why i'm here that kind of stuff and you know and then something we like one of them might go like oh it's so great to have all my family around me and i'm like oh hold up where's brooklyn but i don't want to say that out loud do you know what i mean yeah but look let's do this if jamie jules victoria david you would like to invite us both round for dinner separately and then we can report back and review do you know what a celebrity come dine with me where you were in the same week as the beckhams and the olivers and jay-z and beyonce and then you and you and rose and then rose i would be so stressed about having all them come around for dinner wouldn't you what are you cooking right you've got jay-z beyonce jules and jamie oliver i'm definitely i haven't got any of them up on i have i got jamie But I would get their numbers and I would privately message Jamie Oliver to sort of have someone on side early doors.

19:27I would. Do you know what I'd do? I'd get Jamie Oliver. Yeah. I'd cook something from one of his cookbooks. Oh, I don't know. Feels a bit. And then we'd have Jay-Z's music on, would you? And Rose would be in one of Victoria's dresses. Yeah. And I'd be wearing David Beckham's police sunglasses. These were police. With his Nespresso machine. With his Nespresso machine. Who wants Nespresso for the end of the evening? Anyone want some hot sauce? Don't worry, we've got Franks. No, rather than Cloud23, named after your dad's number when he played football, even though he's done nothing for you, apparently.

20:06You know, I said they're bogged down into this. Because they're real people, real lives. Shame, really, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Are you estranged, listeners, from your parents? Tell us why. Tell us if you're estranged from your parents. to tell us why if you regret it but you're too embarrassed to solve it and go back to him that'd be a good one and then we can try and assist yeah talk of emails talk of emails oh temporary permanent um i spoke about the cardboard thing we've had in the scared stopping the dogs hi rob and josh i'm listening to the episode where rob introduces a temporary but permanent feature and i finally have something to contribute we moved into our new house two years ago the week we moved in I bought some curtains from the charity shop for 50p as a stopgap.

20:50We moved in August and I was tired of being woken up at 4am by the sun. The curtains are so very ugly they don't fit our windows. I have to put a hair clip in the middle so that they join. Otherwise there's a huge gap and they're so thin they'll let all the light through anyway. Our second daughter was born three weeks later, so measuring the window, ordering the material, making the curtains is so low on my priority list, I reckon it'll be at least another year before I replace them. We had a similar, Rob. When we moved to our place, the first house we moved into, the first house we bought, after we'd been renting a shop.

21:29Back off Columbia Road. You rented in a shop? Well, like an old shop. We rented an old shop in Highbury. They turned it into a flat. Yeah. Yeah. we had a suction blackout blind that you'd buy for children on our windows, on our bedroom window. So, you know, those suction things that never stick for very long. We'd have to suction it up every night. I wish. Am I right? Come on. It's good humor. Even I wouldn't have every night in a perfect week. It didn't come up once in a perfect week.

22:13too busy going for your run doing two 10 minute gigs um yeah and it was a living hell it was a living without curtains is so much worse than you think it's going to be yeah yeah you go we'll sort them out now you know in the summer especially you sort them out now you don't realize how important curtains are until you don't have them and what a great quote for this podcast that's the clip i think people will send to their mates to make them listen oh it's so good it's so funny listen to this i don't think people realize how important curtains are and you know what you're right the sad thing is you're fucking right but you know is it is it cool or popular to be right anymore no curtains is another one do not get the credit they deserved they don't believe that they don't they do not got the credit they deserve do you want another temporary permanent it is a little fun it is a little joke for you i'll go yeah to liven it up If you don't think curtains are important, pull yourself together.

23:10Ah, that's nice. Yeah, like that. There you go. Yeah, it's good. Yeah, pretty fun.

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23:31Listen to what it sounds like to be a million miles away.

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24:37Make your day every day with Disney Plus Hulu, 18 and older with the Disney Plus Hulu bundle subscription. Access these titles via Disney Plus. Terms apply. And we're back. Streaming on Peacock. May I present to you the award-winning staff of the Toledo Truth Teller. Slap me. Let's jar something loose. Ay, yes! I like that. The certified fresh series returns. You're boss. Is he always like this or is this just an act? Oh no, this is mad. Oysters, everybody! There's a certain satisfaction when you work with someone. Maybe we could be a family. You sadistic pig! The Paper. New season streaming September 9th, only on Peacock.

25:16This show gives me a reason to laugh.

25:21Hi, my temporary permanent is a piece of Blu-Tac shoved over a tiny hole under my bedroom windowsill. We're in a bungalow. One hot evening last summer, I saw a trail of ants scurrying in through the hole and thought Blu-Tack would be a quick fix. Alas, this summer it is still there and we've had no more ants coming in from the lavender water below the window. Don't fix what ain't broke. Beck from Sittingbourne, now Dorset. 1 ,828 weeks old and 41 weeks pregnant. Oh, 41. Fucking weeks she's really... You're not changing it. That Blu-Tack's there for another year if she's about to give birth. She might put a Blu-Tack somewhere else.

25:57You sure you've not? you don't cover your own one up sorry

26:07you'd pay extra for the white tack down there wouldn't you potentially yeah obviously depending on race if you're a smurf go for the good stuff go for the good stuff i like blue tack good brand if they want to sponsor on us they really have got that they've got the tack market sewn up haven't they blue tack oh do you know what a sticky tack blue no one's even tried to take them on have they they've absolutely got it no one else had it i would have a look for competitors and lootack because i've never even thought or seen another option you got blue tack yeah there bang yeah exactly white tough tack so tough tack's the non-branded one i don't want it white though because then it shows the dirt when you're rolling it in your fingers strong tough tack but they can't say it's blue because that's a registered name.

26:54This is the worst three minutes we've ever done. So you can get pink tough tack, but you can't get blue tough. From curtains are underrated to this has been utterly unacceptable. I've seen some of the other stuff out there. Oh, what do you want me to do? Talk about how I fucking optimise my life, then fucking cry about something that happened to me when I was 15? Fucking hell. Do you want a deep dive? Oh, God, what makes you motivated? Fuck, I don't fucking know. All right. Do you know what? I was watching an interview with Michael Owen. This isn't about football. The Jake Humphrey interview with Michael Owen, right?