S13 EP18: We've sold our dogs

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1:28Josh Widdicombe:this episode is presented by tui look you've got to love a family holiday josh oh you've got to love it who wouldn't love it rob you know what the problem with the holidays is right you don't get enough of them that's the problem exactly so you need to make the most of your holiday which is why tui gives you more so that's got to be easy booking for incredible destinations with amazing hotels that offer all the things you love perfect beaches mouth-watering food on-site splash parks, wellness centres, swim up suites and fun stuff for the kids. And now you can get even more by joining the brand new TUI Smiles Rewards Club for free.

2:00Josh Widdicombe:We're talking members only deals, personalised rewards from TUI and some of their brilliant partners and plenty of chances to win amazing prizes. Love it. Get more from your holiday book now and discover the TUI Smiles Rewards Club at tui.co.uk. Atoll and Abta protected. hello you're listening to parent in hell with arthur can you say rob beckett and can you say josh widdekombe does josh would make you sad rob beckett funny yeah i think that too unbelievable we don't like that here obviously i love that but we don't like that i love that We don't put up for that kind of stuff. That's horrible.

2:46It's divisive. I love it. But we as a podcast don't like that, do we, Josh? No, we don't.

2:53Josh Widdicombe:Hi, Rob and Josh. I'm a ****. No, sorry. Hi, Rob and Josh.

3:01Josh Widdicombe:I've been looking forward to this moment ever since your first episode during lockdown when I lived my best carefree life with just my dog and horses. Since then, I've joined with... Lots and carefree. Dog and horses. since then I've joined in the pits of parenting with a three and a half year old and a six month old I thought Josh was exaggerating with this age gap but wow this is my eldest Arthur saying her name I'm not sure why he finds Rob so funny and Josh is sad I guess it's just the vibe he's getting oh double dig we hate that do you know what she's put her mobile number let's go you've got a call you've got beef with her because we don't remember we're not together so she won't be able to hear me this is the problem we have on the football podcast hello hi is that stephanie it's josh riddicom here hi steph how are you you're right yeah not bad thank you we've just played out your message yeah um so what's so sad about me stephanie

4:07Is he there? Yeah, it's Arthur. Hello, Arthur. It's Josh Whittaker. You found him sad, didn't you?

4:23Sorry about that.

4:25Josh Widdicombe:It's all right. Do you know what? It sounds like you're driving. I am. I'm on the way to the New Forest. so i said hello she loves horses she can't get enough of horses um have you still uh got your dog and horses uh just the dog not the horses anymore i've been dealing with all that no you don't need that in your life do you are you are you speaking on the phone while you're driving it's a loudspeaker oh thank you thank you thankfully for that good good um and did you choose a time to send this so that you managed to get michael um i did i scheduled it you scheduled I didn't wait, yeah. I didn't wait about a year either.

5:05I did it on the day.

5:06Josh Widdicombe:You did it on the day, at 1am. Not 1am, no. 6am. 6am. Oh, it says at 1am. I don't know. Oh, yeah, it's sent then, but it's then mindful. Okay, I see, I see. Well, Stephanie, thank you very much for sending. I love the show. Did you think when you left your phone number at the bottom that we'd use it? I always have it signed And I thought I'll leave it Just in case Just in case Was there any part of you that thought it was going to be me? Isn't it always you? Oh no no I mean yeah well it's always me No she hoped it was me When you saw The number come up I didn't think I'd be this lucky What's her beef with you then Josh?

5:53Josh Widdicombe:You're letting her off the hook here So Rob wants to know what's your issue with me? I have no issue with Arthur. In the email it sounded like. So you're hanging your son out to dry? Yeah. Okay, fine, fine. Well, have fun in the new forest, Stephanie, and we will speak to you soon. Well, we won't. I look forward to listening. Yeah, well, you've heard it now. Bye. Bye. See you. Bye. That's a weird anecdote she's got there, isn't it? very strange oh she really crumbled that was like troll hunting live all a bit of a laugh on the email but once once she excuse the pun confronted the horse was at the horse's mouth she loves horses she's got so she's got rid of a horse the horses it's weird how you can sell a horse but not a dog isn't it yeah true isn't it like because like you've got what happened to those horses oh i sold them if you said um i said what we've been up to this week and you said we've sold our dogs it would be so that that could actually like get me cancelled that would be headline news like he sold a dog yeah we just do you know what we sold the dogs we then got that long left so we wanted to get some profit out of them before we you know and you know life's got a bit busier so it's a bit of a bit of a pain in the ass sorting them all out so we just sold the dogs horses fine i've just sold my horse good decision actually yeah because they're a bit of a drain on cost and effort it's a good decision you don't even have to walk a horse just have a big field exactly you have to walk you do sort of sort of you ride a horse you know you know anyway yeah but if they're in a field i don't think you have to ride you don't have to ride a horse it's not like you go that horse needs riding no as long as the field's big enough you don't need to ride a horse i imagine yeah i think so having a horse is that a pet no like what what category is it under because because i i think a pet does a pet need to live in your house good job good job not on your land not on your land yeah what if it's like a tortoise or something in your garden because if you if you did love your horse and treat it like a pet the same way you loved your cats right yeah and you love your horse your horse passes away do you get the ashes and put it in a giant jar on a shelf was i talking to about this literally had this conversation two weeks ago frankie detore john mccruick no that bloke of love island chris hughes michael owen jemma rowan i'm going through all my don't tell you about my friend bumping into club all day i'm going through all my all my horse references there paddy power sorry god do i tell you about my friend bumping into club boarding no and she's like i can't shake your hand um i've covered in grease i've just been um fixing jars brander's boiler come on it's a wanking joke

8:56Josh Widdicombe:she said it was running so hot why is clear why then listen to the next slide she said it was running so hot you could boil vegetables in a swimming pool

9:11well we had that problem in our house where it was going so because the thermostat had broken

9:15Josh Widdicombe:in the tank so we had to get a new thermostat did you call around claire balding no i did actually no she wasn't available i got sanny tosvig instead i went like for like you know what i mean yeah so it's like subbing you know martin lee for trossard that kind of you know yeah instinctive it's not a tactical change we're still set up the same way to deal with the issue but we're just using a different personnel even though the same tactics are being deployed yeah so um oh dear so what are we talking about yeah a dead horse yeah gone so like they said to whoever it was i can't remember who was telling us do you want the ashes and it was like you know a hundred kilos of ashes or whatever it can't be 100 kilos of ashes it's like a you know how how heavy is the ashes of a hook it'd be a load of bins worth of ashes do you know what i mean oh i feel like we're talking about it's quite disrespectful because if we were talking about the cats like we're talking about but again people sell horses i know i know it's awful no this is hypothetical anyway apparently the worst thing i'm just i'm just finding out the the weight of it um the ashes after the cremation of an average horse weigh around 15 to 25 kilograms i'd get it put in a fucking kettlebell well it's massive as well it's massive 25 25 kilogram dumbbells and then you could just think how light ashes is rob think how much ashes that is yeah that'll be like your mourning and gains yeah of course of course of course grief and grind grief and pump apparently this is grim rob but this is countryside chat okay you're not countryside are you actually You're quite close to the city centre, aren't you?

10:56Josh Widdicombe:No, but my mum was telling me about when they had a dead horse. Yeah, right. And they come and get it. Obviously, the horse is so heavy. They have to attach stuff to its feet and then, like, crane it off. Oh. Because, obviously, you can't pick up a horse. No. That's one of the most famous sayings. You can pick up a penguin.

11:23have i told you about the dead deer on a sled no oh god so where we live there's a gate near where our house is to a field that a neighbor owns yeah when we're getting building work well we're parking in front of that gate but if i've got to get my lid i'm still listening your lid just to keep my tea warm right okay i'm back you're back so when we're getting some building was done we were parking in front of it because we couldn't park on where we needed to park so it was blocking that but to be fair my neighbor doesn't get there that often but there is a guy that hunts deer right he needed to get to any message me he went i need to have access to the field and i said i'm really sorry but oh we are we're like out for the day and we're not going to come back i apologize i should have moved it it shouldn't be there i'm sorry well i'm gonna have to get sorry start again start i don't understand what's happening why does he get access i'd gone out i'd blocked i'd blocked a gate my neighbor's gate and my neighbor gets a deer a hunter in now and again right because there's loads of deer and you're allowed to hunt dearly whatever right i don't do this goes on why do you want to hunt it i don't want to hunt here all right i quite like them but it happens doesn't it it's the countryside right i've blocked the gate basically and i shouldn't have my fault normally i'm in or someone's in so we move the car so he can drive onto the land that's not ours someone else's right he texts i went we're all out no one's back till later and he goes well he goes i'm gonna have to get the sled out i'm like okay then i was just like i don't even know what that means is that like a special i didn't know if that was like a machine that would lift my car i don't give a fuck is that some sort of special countryside machine that lifts the car so you can get in anyway don't forget a thing of it two hours later so that was the next so it was early in the morning we were away because he said can you move it for the morning can you normally text it like before but i couldn't 6 a.m my ring doorbell goes off like but by movement right yeah and it's a cold frosty foggy day yeah i just see a man dragging a child's snow sledge along with the corpse of a deer on it jesus fucking christ the countryside is mental isn't it that's why america's so mental because there's so much more space for this weird shit to go on yeah like uk's what about the countryside rules it's chaos out

13:31Josh Widdicombe:there because my dog's brought in the leg of a deer once well this is something i want to say right get it off your chest and i grew up in the countryside i live in devon so i'm all right to say these things yeah you know when people go i think it's healthy for people to be exposed to this and know the realities of where their food comes from i don't here he goes oh no you don't no i i think it makes you fucking weird i think if you're overexposed yeah if you are totally cool yeah with dead animals not like i'm not i don't mean morally but i mean if you if it doesn't if you can sit through it and doesn't impact you that you're you should go on a watch list yeah i don't think that's made you like i don't think that's made you a more balanced human if you're just if you're putting a deer on a sledge you shouldn't be able to well if you're comfortable you should i don't think you should be able to vote or go on jury service no exactly you're just taken off the list yeah but that doesn't work you know i don't want to go to china to watch a child make my phone no exactly i just want the phone to arrive in bolivius exactly in bolivia i don't know if that can stay in bolivius no oblivious what do you call the guy that went to bolivia on holiday by mistake bolivius there we go here we go here we go yeah yeah a bit of fun if you've given it 10 minutes i might have forgotten where we were going but yeah yeah yeah 100 % that had to be done immediately after to still be deeply poor but serviceable oh so talk about countryside you might know this as a countryside person this is like a countryside special two questions you should have chatted about this well well i think i think i had these questions after right so actually i've got three questions about the countryside yeah question one baby i've got obsessed with those baby cucumbers you know they sell in the shops oh yeah yeah tiny little cucumbers it's basically cucumbers without all the wet so i don't know the answer to this is your question are these a different breed or they just taken early yes that's the question and i love them and i've been chomping them like nobody's business i think they're a different breed because i think if they were taken early they wouldn't be because they're actually softer than a normal cucumber i think no they're not they're fucking crisp less wet inside less wet inside also i think i might be growing the biggest chilies there's an incredible amount of water in a cucumber isn't there we all know we've done oh yeah it's like 96 yeah 90 i cannot believe a cucumber is 96 water and most of it is green i know it's mental and it's holding itself together it's all we could take some advice from this guy how's he keeping himself together it's all 96 water and it's and she let's not let's not let the patriarchy take cucumbers so if you were thirsty could you eat a cucumber and you'd be fine in china they walk around in really humid places just chomping a whole one what do you mean so they sell big long cucumbers that the chinese tourists walk around just eating as food and a refreshing rather than drinking loads of water i think they're the number one vegetable with kids i don't know many kids that don't like cucumbers but i like anyway i've obsessed with the baby cucumbers they are yeah they're great they're great should i show what my little i've been eating sourdough toast i don't want to see a baby cucumber sourdough toast marmite cheddar cheese little bit of mayo on top and i bite into that and then as i'm eating that i chomp on a baby cucumber what's a fucking weird thing to say i love it why didn't you just put the baby cucumber so sorry you say as you bite into it so are you kind of putting it in the mouth at the same time one hand of each no no no no so i eat the toast with the the butter marmite cheese and mayo on in yeah sort of one chew then i'll take a bite like i'm eating a carrot like roger rabbit yeah of the cucumber and then yeah what i can do is if the cucumber starts going before the sourdough and the cheese is gone another chomp wow wow so i'm having four baby cucumbers with two slices of toast and two cucumber per slice here we go get this clip out there park our tanks on gamble and acaster's lawn second countryside question yeah where do you buy the fleeces that have the leather ribbed bits around right have you ever been to a have you ever been to these places that sell like outdoorsy clothes no oh right you are rob i've been to blacks trespass north face no no no so they're all on the high street okay so there'll be placed near you there's one near us called mole valley farmers right are you bubbling are you bouncing your leg by the way oh sorry yeah oh no it's just your camera was wiggling i think what's going on oh sorry your earthquake connects it so they so you get these places they're like huge do they have wheelbarrows out the front for sale warehouses and they'll sell your riding clothes yeah your wax jackets and then your fleeces there's a little leisure wear spin-off almost isn't there yeah and then they'll maybe sell cheap jeans that you'd wear on the farm and then maybe steel toe cap boots or something they sell all the stuff that people in the country wear in these special shops so there'll be one near you yeah maybe you could film a thing where go to like michael barrymore does his filming where he goes to shop well maybe not like that but yeah i could go there and film but maybe i'll do it yeah because what it is it's an outfit he's got five million followers in michael barrymore yeah he's blown up wow yeah no he's big on tiktok he goes to he's got a little battalion greyhound he goes to barcelona um have you seen him cook that burger where it seems like he may what's the right way to put this he makes a burger in the way that imagine a teenage stoner would make a burger right yeah yeah anyway i find that the farmers so you go to these farm shops and they've got all their special clothes but it's clothes that they don't need it's like some of those clothes they need to farm these are outfits they wear to tell everyone they are a farmer yeah the other fashion stuff so it's the stuff like the clarkson's farms choir outfits right i've never seen clarkson's farms choir i know you met them last week had Had you seen them before that?

20:07Josh Widdicombe:Big boots, big strong denim, sort of patterny. Mate, oh, I tell you what they'll sell, padded checked shirts. Yeah. And then that gilet with the leather ribbed, no sleeves yet. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's a shop that will be near you because you live in the countryside that will be fucking massive and it will smell and it will sell all of that stuff. Right. I need a day out there. Next time you're up in London, let's go to one. Yeah. And to be honest, and you'll also buy stuff like biltong or something like that. Do you know what I mean? And they'll have buckets, just big buckets.

20:49Josh Widdicombe:Yeah. And it'll smell of like sugar beet. Is that what they call it? And brooms. Brooms. Yeah, yeah. Brooms. It'll sell brooms.

21:01Josh Widdicombe:Evening. Buyers remorse. Buy a new car? I'll be moving in. Let's get started. Uh, sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I bought it from Carvana. You what? Yeah, great price. I even have seven days to love it or return it. So there's no... No, no buyer's remorse. More like buyer's rejoice. Ugh, I guess I'll let myself out. Congratulations. I mean it. Buyer's rejoice. Buy your car today on Carvana. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our seven-day return policy at Carvana.com.

21:34final question on the countryside before we start talking about parenting um i've been going on a lot of sort of public footpath walks because i couldn't do any sport for a couple of weeks right right okay yeah where like green chain walks i think they're called circular walks all this right there's loads all over the uk they're great sometimes though when you're a bit off the beaten path these they're quite narrow there's a lot of trees and stuff i was googling buying a portable electric sort of chargeable chainsaw that little one about that big not not to take out trees but just to lop off a few branches as i move through is that is that is allowed is it encouraged is it

22:14Josh Widdicombe:discouraged is it illegal i think if there was a murder in the area yeah i think it would be wrong for you not to be brought in for questioning at least bare minimum i'd be a red herring in broad church yeah you know i mean i'd be the red herring in an itv crime drama yeah yeah i don't think they'd get a conviction but i certainly think you'd have a terrible 24 hours in the silhouette of a man marching through the woods at 6 a.m and it cuts around to go just clearing a path hello so we need to take you down the station for question but i was just trying to clear the path yeah so i don't know what the rules are i don't know what the rule is on that because if you snapped it with your hand that'd be fine wouldn't it like we've all broken off a a branch or something that's in the way do you know i don't know if that's allowed either is it well it's a gray area like taking stones from a beach isn't it like what's the rule on that There's a walk I go on and there is a massive branch being propped up by another branch that at some point is going to land on someone.

23:22Yeah, you could probably. But if I just had a little chainsaw, I could give it a little nip and a tuck and we're safe again.

23:28Josh Widdicombe:So where are you going to stow your chainsaw when you're walking? I just get a caribou clip, whatever they're called. Caribou? That's caribou cup. What's a caribou? What are they called? What are those? Like rock climbing clips. Right. So does it sheathe up? I've not really looked at it. I'm sure there's a covering for it. Or just hold it handheld. It's small. It's a small little feather. So when someone asks you for directions, you're just pointing with your... Just out there as they run away from it at full speed. You're going the wrong way, mate.

24:01So, yeah, I don't know what the rules are on that, but there's a couple of little trees I'd love to...

24:05Josh Widdicombe:I don't want to go into some bad observational comedy. It's never stopped us before. Go on. You know when you ask... you kind of know the way and you ask someone for directions yeah and you know they've given you the wrong information oh yeah and you just carry on going yep yeah cool do you then feel like you have to go in the direction they said yes until you're out of eyeshot and then you can just i don't think people ask anymore people just use their phones don't they i know rose's mum's a big asker of directions when we're out i'll be looking at my map and she'll be like let's just ask someone i'm like we don't need to talk to someone so i'm i think i'm having a evolution of that approach the less i've worked the the sort of happier i am to talk to people the less happy you are no the more happy so the more i work that and i is just a total social battery that's draining i'm more chatty when i work less and i've actually been a little bit more chatty when i'm not just hammering my head with reels yes because i'm trying to wean off of reels algorithm addiction so i'm finding it if when i'm not from here there and everywhere i've got a little bit more capacity to talk to people however as i've got older i do i think i'm quite quick at working out if i've got anything in common with that person so i i if i'm not into i know i need to tap out so this happened to me rob go on so it's coming back from the isle of man.

25:31Josh Widdicombe:Not island man. Where did we go? Isles are silly. Isles are silly, yeah. Not with one isles, it's in the other isles, isn't it? Exactly. I love her. What's the bloody deal with the isle? Why isn't it an island? And...

25:49Josh Widdicombe:You do need to speak to more people. Did a gig last week? We got the boat back, right? Yes, because of the weather. Our car was parked. at the helicopter place because we'd flown there and then we got dropped by the boat about a mile from the helicopter place cool and then it was us and there was another family that had gone and the dad of the other family who's my friend he has no nerves about talking to strangers in the way he would just happily talk to strangers well in the way of not being shy or enjoys it if me and you were on a boat yeah and we were worrying about how we're going to get to the heliport we'd probably keep it to ourselves he would say are you on the helicopter to the person oh okay what are you doing about do you know what i mean right it would just wander around yeah yeah and solve a lot of the problems that we wouldn't solve because we don't talk to people yeah and he said um i've just been speaking to these people and they are being picked up from the boat, they can drop you to the heliport.

26:57Josh Widdicombe:Oh. So just you, and then you'll get your car, and then you can come back and you can collect your family. Oh, so you and him can get in the car with them? No, just me, because there wasn't room for him. I'm then going to pick him up with my family. He can get his car, and he can go back and get his family. Why doesn't he go first? Well, going first is the bonus, because you don't have to stand outside the boat for 20 minutes. Right. Right. But also going first means you have to sit in a car with strangers. But he told me that in front of these people. So is it a bonus on? So has he pretended to do a good thing?

27:32No, he thinks I've done a nice thing here and he has.

27:36Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, but he hasn't really though, is he? Well, in his world, it's fine. Why would I have a problem? It's only a couple of minutes down the road as well. Yeah. So suddenly I'm getting a car with some people I don't know. Some lovely people, generous strangers. Some lovely people. It was an old couple being picked up by their daughter. Yeah. And then I get in the front and I'm like, thank you for this. And then they drove me to the heliport. Did you tip them? Did you give them a drink? I didn't tip them. This is not my, this is not my bag. Being in a stranger's car. No, it's not. I would have, I would have, before I was sort of known on the TV, I would have been a bit more fine with that.

28:19Yes. Yeah, totally. But I get a bit anxious and panicky now because I feel like they know too much about me already. Because also there's a good chance they don't know who I am. Or give a shit.

28:29Josh Widdicombe:Or give a shit. Absolutely. Couldn't give a shit or no. Yeah. Yeah. So it's not like you can address the situation either. No. I think you can't get in the front with a daughter and go, I know. Insert name here. You've seen it. Yeah. Let's go. Yeah. Yes, I've done one episode of Nevermind the Buzzcocks. Yes. But we're apprehensive of strangers. sometimes because we have been cornered in a pub by the cokehead. So we are overly cautious, where most people are absolutely lovely and are chilled and don't care. Yeah, and these people were lovely. Yeah. But, yeah, I couldn't say no. I couldn't say no.

29:05Josh Widdicombe:Could you not go, no, you've sorted it out. You go first, mate. It's your friend. Yeah, but it didn't play out like that for some reason. I can't remember why, but it didn't play out like that. But also, it's only a mile up the road. It's not like no risk of you getting kidnapped. Did you contemplate asking Rose to go? No, I didn't. Because actually, standing outside the boat was definitely worse. Also, Rose can't drive back. Of course. Of course. She can't reverse, can she? Famously. Only forwards. Exactly. Anyway. What the fuck? What's happening now? Sorry, OK. I've got an email here. This is really distracting me.

29:43Oh, no. What's happened? So I had to do press for Tempting Fortune, the reality show on Lankaui. Yeah. You said I got bullied by monkeys. What? It's going to be in the mirror tomorrow, and the leading story will be about the monkeys on the island. You what? Sorry? They're just running a story about the monkeys were bullying me a bit on the island. Yeah, but we covered that in this. Yeah, but it's going to be – well, they asked me – I did PR for it, and they asked me about it, and now in the mirror is going to be a story about me and the monkeys. so now I imagine I was like a throwaway joke. I'm going to have like the monkey fucking charities on my case saying that they're not bullies.

30:22Oh God. So what was your email? Well, the subject was the mirror pictures of monkeys. What have they got? Hi, I hope you have a nice weekend. Someone's done interview Rob for the mirror. The leading story will be about monkeys on the Island. I mean, I'm just, I mean, I was supposed to be doing PR for the show. I'm just checking with our pictures team. if you have any imagery of them, but it doesn't look like we have it from our asset portal. Would Rob be comfortable sharing a pic or two you got of the monkeys? You've got to. No worries, if not, I know it's podcast day, so I understand if he's busy.

30:56I mean, I do, I think I've got pictures of monkeys.