S13 EP2: Big Pants Update and a seagull attacks Josh

22:09Josh Widdicombe:oh my f-ing G f-ing G that is too much for my tastes I don't know why I started doing it but I casually mentioned it to my best friend and she told me she used to do the same with mini cheddars what? except she was chew, spit it out onto the next one then eat it what? so the same but with mini cheddars but I don't know what the difference is Is it because they like it smashed up and that's why they're doing it? Or do they like the spittle to be all over it? I like smashed avocado, Josh. I'm not chewing it and spitting it on the toes. Well, exactly. Yeah, like a bird feeding their young when they chew it up and spit it in their mouths.

22:47That is bad.

22:50Josh Widdicombe:Because with cheddars and the same with cream crackers, you could just smash them up. You could easily, before opening your mini cheddars, smash up the bag of cheddars. Because if you were doing a new Hannibal Lecter film, right, and you had to try and convey to the audience a sort of a psychotic individual. If you walked past a cell and saw someone doing that, you'd go, that's too on the nose. Yeah. That's too weird. Yeah, exactly. No one does that. Also, he's coming from Jacob's Cream Crackers in a prison, in a high-security prison. What? Is it because they're too dry and they're adding moisture?

23:23Yeah, I don't know. That is disgusting. Yeah. That is actually disgusting.

23:26Josh Widdicombe:I don't like the look of – I don't like to think about the image of the thing in my mouth once I've started chewing it. The one I've seen some people do is, I don't know who did it, it was like a TV show where they're trying to make a salad with a carrot and would just, instead of chopping a carrot, would just sort of bite bits of it off to fall into the pot. What? What was this on? That's not Nigella. I remember seeing it somewhere. Also, do you know Joey Essex, when he brushes his teeth, he moves his mouth, not the brush? That's not true. this is like something from what i like to you

24:06Josh Widdicombe:it's probably yeah i can see how it works because you're not meant to move it do you have an electric toothbrush yeah i do now because i was getting receding gums because i was brushing too hard yeah yeah we could all see that oh yeah but did you see that on your scan with your big old bloomers out big old bloomers um yeah absolutely fine health-wise just a style issue you just need better pants mate you look 300 you look like a lost granddad in the fucking woods the age of your heart is 40 but the age of your pants are 87 you've got a degenerative condition in your wardrobe i'm afraid

24:48right there we go um luckily your prostate's not as far gone as your pants you'll be all right for a few more years. Do you want another food confession? Yeah. Hello, you trio of legends. I've been listening for years, never found a feature that quite resonates with me enough to write in until now. I have an unhealthy obsession with crispy fried onions.

25:13Josh Widdicombe:Thoughts on those? I like the smell that makes you feel like you're a football match when someone's. But I don't like it when it's um i think you know when it's like put on rice or something and it's actually just like bits of crispy fried onion or when they put it on like if that's what i think i think she's talking about the dry stuff you get in harvest yeah i don't like that i don't like that i don't mind that on a on like a harvest a salad if i'm eating it straight away but as soon as it goes soft i'm out i think it also it dominates it's it's it's a strong taste do you know what i mean it's difficult to see beyond it once it gets involved we've all done panel shows with people like that well she's she's it's definitely the crispy ones because she said i'm an addict at a famous food chain let's call it combine yeah fine yeah my salad bowl will consist of an entire a bowl of these crispy flakes of goodness.

26:16Wow. Possibly with a smattering of garlic croutons for balance. For balance. Spooning it in. Oh, my word. My daughter just has pineapple with bacon bits. A combine. Yeah, a combine.

26:33Josh Widdicombe:But I think children have a free hit because children are like pregnant women. Do you know what I mean? Kind of all rules are off. Okay, around a year ago, all my dreams came true when I realised you could buy them in a supermarket. I now shamelessly often sit there with a spoon and throw them into my face like cereal. One thing I would say, and this isn't, you know, I'm not a health expert. I imagine they are incredibly bad for you. There's nothing good that can come from it. They're all going to be so great. There's so much grease in them. and then the salt yeah so salt i just don't i don't know whether a full bowl of crispy onions is is going to be a win but she says each their own she rarely uses them as a garnish as their intended purpose i'm even known to have a quick fix by tipping my head back and pouring them directly into my mouth wow look i'm now pregnant my third child so i have a sweet yet infinite period of time where I can get away with it.

27:37Fair enough. No, no, no. Where she can blame it. She said it. I can blame it on cravings, but really I'm just a fat fuck. Is that what she said? Yeah, that's what she said. That's what she said.

27:50Josh Widdicombe:Fair play. Imagine if you'd added that yourself. No, but she's had to at some point introduce that to her partner. Yeah. To be like, hey, I'm – is there anything you do that's weird? I'm the crispy onion. guy yeah like just so you know i'm starting to worry about my pants um they are big granddad pants but they're fine they're not terrible they're just granddad i haven't got i remember rose thinking it was weird food wise but it's not nearly the same yeah that i'd have with dinner a full carton of orange juice directly from the carton how big we're talking like the big no like the traditional do you still get them you know the one you get when we were kids that are as big as a hand that no you know let me like a carton of orange juice is it a liter is it not one that you put a straw in one no one you'd buy for your family you'd cut the corner off right so like the one that's in the it's in it's not normally in the cold it's in the dry section that then you put in the fridge at home yeah yeah yeah and is it cold when you have maybe get four of them wouldn't you if you had a family yeah right okay so let's dig into this because i'm excited about this i think michael is too i can sense it you will oh come in you're like oh well done that's good is it nice no it's my daughter that's been freezing i know it's joking yeah don't we need to try it sorry

29:37There's a little tease for the social clip Oh my god Sorry

29:48Right

29:52Get back on I've got a cushion so I'm high enough Oh my god again so guys write in do you want it do you want us to go

30:07let's know what you want from us

30:13Josh Widdicombe:do you want us to go slicker michael could you edit that with him saying that and then a time stump of how many minutes later this happened right the big the beautiful thing about that is we won't do that no we won't do that oh right anyway so that was my daughter's been freezing coke and putting and putting a stick in it to make big coke lollies oh yeah that's good so she's one of these to try well diet coke yeah right your carton of juice so yeah you've put it with what you eating with rose so this started at uni at uni i'd go across the road dominoes right yeah uh where in this fallowfield student district of manchester it was two pounds for a cheese nine inch or 12 inch like a reasonable size cheese and tomato pizza yeah 195 actually with the with the little pot of stuff yeah so i was having a brainer yeah of course and then i go next so far josh totally on all of this yep i i'd order that so often that once i phoned up and when i said my name they said what's your name i said josh and they said is that the josh and i was like yeah yeah yeah he saw stardust and then i go next door that was a if you went to union manchester you'll know it was a notorious uh kind of news agent where rumors were you could buy nefarious things as well so i'm just going to move that around so it looks good the background sorry yeah so you can buy naughty things there apparently you could a i'd heard that you know people bought drugs there and b there was a um they had a they had a a video and dvd rental in those days okay and if you went in to rent the thing they'd say that'll be three pounds to rent it or for a fiver i could just burn it on to a dvd and you can have bit oh okay decent so it was a bit of a dodgy place yeah anyway and you that's where you went to get your orange juice i'd go and buy my carton of orange juice while my dominoes was being made and then i'd take them both back home and that would be my dinner the most josh willican thing ever is going to a drug dealer's buy orange juice dad do you do drugs at uni well sort of i don't I don't know if you've ever had a knot from concentrate orange every night.

32:47Then, so basically you'd sit down with your pizza and you'd chop off the end and you would drink it from the carton.

32:54Josh Widdicombe:I think in those days, actually, I think there was a plastic thing on it, a plastic opening. Oh, right, so whatever. But you're drinking out of the carton with your dinner. And are you drinking all of that with your dinner? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The whole litre of orange juice. Because I was under the impression that it was good for you. Yeah, I agree with this because I used to drink big bottles of orange juice that actually is just full of sugar. Yeah, and I didn't realise until I got together with Rose and she was like, you shouldn't be drinking a litre of orange juice with your dinner. I've never been more team Rose.

33:30Josh Widdicombe:Yeah. Well, no, I agree with her. Now, I'm not like saying, why did she clip my wings? I'm saying I just didn't know. So how long until she's... How many times do you reckon you drunk that in front of her until she... Because that is difficult in a relationship, isn't it? Yeah, it was quite early doors that I found out from her that orange juice wasn't like... Did you stagger it and start using a cup or a glass or you just get rid of it one day? I don't seem to remember... Hannah McCartan's quite disgusting, isn't it, in front of someone? Yeah, well, I probably was drinking out of a glass if she was there, maybe.

34:06Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, respect it. yeah yeah exactly yeah no that is yeah that is um and that you know that you had that of every meal no not with every meal only if i was you know treat myself go to the shop yes your treat drink goodfellas pizza and a cartel of orange juice um i i can get all the meat off a chicken what i'm very good at getting all the meat off a chicken with your mouth or yeah yeah but sometimes fingers but i'll get all the meat off a chicken standard well there's this kind of idea that... I sat the head of a prawn? Yeah, there's this kind of idea with people, Rob, that it makes... The chicken would want you to have used it for as much as possible in its depth.

34:49Josh Widdicombe:Absolutely. Do you know what I mean? Eat the meat, fuck the carcass. Full service. Exactly. But I don't know if I died how much consolation it would be if someone had eaten me and boiled me for a broth as well and kind of... I'm not eating for chicken out respect. I'm eating all the chicken. No, I know you're not. No, no, no. I was just thinking this the other day that a lot of people think it's a kind of – I think you're doing it because, you know, you want as much chicken for your – bang for your buck. Absolutely. Bang for your cluck, should I say. No, I'm not doing nose to tail through ethic reasons.

35:26No, no. You know. Exactly. Right. Talking of cooking, we've got a hob on it. I've done a couple here. Do you want to do one? Hob? Well, we were talking about... You do that one. I'll do the next one. Okay. It was a Centre Park scandal. Do you want to do that one? I'll do Centre Park scandal. Induction hob fail. Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. I love Tuesday's episode where Josh talks about his frustration with the induction hob. I thought I'd share my story. When we moved house, we had an induction hob in the kitchen. We wondered why nothing was cooking and then realised we needed all new pans. then two weeks into living there a plastic spice jar fell from a cupboard above and smashed the hob so we had to get the whole thing replaced oh no then we got cats and one of our cats somehow managed to put the hob in safe mode and we had to dig out instructions on how to take the safety off as it wouldn't allow us to do anything yeah having having said that now we're used to it we wouldn't go back to any other way oh that was a bit of a curveball from david we've just we've

36:27Josh Widdicombe:got induction on our new cooker we've got induction but after all the induction problems you've been having well there's a difference between getting in your own induction cooker where it's quite simple and you know how to use it versus one you're unfamiliar with oh i was in a hotel this week and it had a a touch what the fuck happened to your face then i don't know it stalled for ages did you see that you were i don't know if that was the lag or you actually was getting so enthusiastic like you're rearing up for it no it was real that was real time it was like it was like you started to sneeze and then you paused i'll do what i think you did yeah i was in a hotel Rob, because you got excited.

37:18I was in the hotel the other week. And I was in the hotel.

37:25Josh Widdicombe:Clip it up, put it on the Instagram. Yeah, probably won't. That's the kind of thing. Come on. Clip, my man. Get the team on it. Honestly, this is like, this is like, we're using this episode for clips like Rob uses a chicken. There's nothing. Nothing on the bone, son. When I did the rest of this football in New York, Right. Because obviously you know the podcast guides quite well, don't you, Michael? Because when you're doing, you know, this is a small industry. I was sat at a bar and one of them went, it's just the three of you. Yeah. I went, you couldn't tell. You can't tell, can you? Oh,

38:13Josh Widdicombe:anyway, sorry. I was at a hotel. Oh, it had a kettle

38:23Josh Widdicombe:Worth watching the video for that Impression My own breakdown You just got suspended in time It was like in a movie It would have You would have stalled and then the camera would have spun At this point I started my Anyway I'm going mad so it was on like it's touch it was like an induction hob you had to touch it to bring up the lights we had to but you're like if you're in a hotel room you can't be having modern tech you don't need to reinvent how to turn on a kettle no no don't have in a hotel room where someone's got to work it out for themselves if you want to buy that for your own house fine and i like a hotel that's got a big fuck off switch at the front that does all lights scurrying around with your ass out trying to find the lamp one the lamp the amount of times you know the lamp and the lamp invariably has the plug socket where I want it but it's for a smaller plug a weird small plug that only does lamps you put normal plugs in here no no let's not make it handy for them if they've got to charge something let's invent a new plug for a fucking lamp that don't work and the lamp is either the floor button the wall button pull the plug out or you have to put your hand up the which feels like your skirt in the lamp to try and find a little clicker put your hand up i always think i'm about to get electrocuted when i'm feeling up the lamp as well i feel i'm about to get cancelled the way my hands go in trying to find the switch

39:57Josh Widdicombe:hey it's ryan reynolds here from mint mobile now i was looking for fun ways to tell you that Mint's offer of unlimited premium wireless for$15 a month is back. So I thought it would be fun if we made$15 bills. But it turns out that's very illegal. So there goes my big idea for the commercial. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch. Upfront payment of$45 for three months,$90 for six months, or$180 for 12-month plan required. $15 per month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra. Initial plan term only. Greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy. See terms.

40:32All right. Center Park scandal? Oh, sorry. Center Park scandal.

40:35Josh Widdicombe:No. You're still talking. Sorry. Was you still talking? Do you want more professionalism? In 2024, our family descended on Center Parks. My sister had come over from where she lives abroad. That's a really weird way of putting it. Such a weird sentence structure. Just be anonymous. Well, maybe. No, they put their name at the end. Is there any more information? Is that the place that impacts the story? Well, maybe we'll see, I suppose. The final sentence is, and that sister lives in Denmark. Is it? No, of course not. Sorry. What am I like? My sister's come over from where she lives abroad. So my sister's come over from where she lives abroad.

41:25Josh Widdicombe:Okay. Undisclosed. Included. Both are six-month-olds and husbands. two couples one couple lives abroad so basically me and my sister and our husband and six-year-old six-month-old children went to center parks but our sister she lives abroad yeah but she's come over from where she lives abroad i knew that our vicar was she didn't go to center parks from her house abroad she's come over for it yeah i knew that this has turned into a 1970 sitcom i knew our vicar was also in center parks with his family that weekend this is going to end up with the vicar seeing them naked or something surely each time we crossed paths i gave a friendly wave but he looked deeply troubled and seemed to be avoiding me oh no later that weekend i decided to go around to his lodge to break the ice oh fuck off you keno sorry i knocked on the door and he opened pale as a sheet i said hello and would he like to meet my family i pointed down the pathway to where my sister was standing with her husband.

42:29Josh Widdicombe:The vicar took one look at my sister and her husband and laughed hard for a good minute. Sorry, I don't get this. This is like a kind of Sherlock Holmes mystery. What's happened? There's a lot to break down here. He's not really saying hello, so she's gone to break the ice by knocking on his door and saying, do you want to see my family? That's not breaking the ice. Well, she knows him. She knows him. and a sister's over from somewhere abroad. Who cares about seeing someone else's family? Am I wrong? Am I weird? Well, Vickers are quite like that, aren't they? Vickers are really nice. It's another lot they can get in for the contribution bowl, basically.

43:11It's more good.

43:12Josh Widdicombe:I see what's happened here. Go on. At this point, I realise that there might have been a case of mistaken identity, as we are, of course, identical twins. Here we go, Rob. Here we go. She has held something back. It turns out that for three days, the vicar thought he had spotted me canoodling with another man, my sister's husband. Oh, my word. This is great. This is good. This is good now. I'm in. Sorry for all the stuff I said before. Like, this is shit. You're a keno. Why are you fucking boring us with the sister abroad stuff? He now realized that it was, in fact, my sister and brother-in-law, and I hadn't been brazenly cheating.

43:54Josh Widdicombe:We were all together at Centre Parks. Of course. He said he'd been worrying about what to say to me. How could he best approach the subject of such public adultery? Oh, wow. Yeah, of course. Because if he's got a good connection and that stuff, and he knows the husband. Anyway, to keep the confusion going, my twin sister and I gave birth to our second born on exactly the same day this year. Not planned. We love your pod. And most of our conversations centre around digesting the most recent Parenting Hell episode and cackling. Love, Fionn... Fionn... Fionn... Fionn... Fionn... Fionn... Fionn...

44:28Josh Widdicombe:And Ellie. Can I tell you what? Ellie had a good hand there. Three and 68 months. Yeah. Apologies for having a go. I just got confused at the start. That's great. Great twist. It was a good twist. Jonathan Creek. It was a bit Jonathan Creek-y. And it wouldn't work unless it's written down. Do you know who wouldn't have enjoyed that, Rob? Oh, no. Leanne from Singapore. And there's one thing we want to do on this show is keep Leanne from Singapore happy. Sorry, Leanne. She can't picture that, boys. Do apologise. No, she must have a picture of two people that look like each other. I don't think she can.

45:02Josh Widdicombe:She can't picture an apple. Come on. Come on. Poor Leanne. Poor Leanne. What do they do in their head then? I don't know. I'm going to read more about it. I think we're done there, Josh. We do some small business. or did you want to do the Reddit thing? Michael? Did you get any Reddit stuff for us, Michael? No, I couldn't be bothered. Cool. Okay, well, tune in next time for another... Professional.

45:33We'll do it for the next one. And all those things will go on Instagram and I've proved I've not been kidnapped. I'm still in the same room. We've just done this for sound. Luckily, Michael came round to me. Oh, my fucking God, there's a seagull at the window.

45:45Josh Widdicombe:Jesus fucking Christ

45:58Josh Widdicombe:Look at this live photo Imagine you're just Pop this on the Instagram Michael Probably We've got to start No we've got to start putting stuff on I can see you go. Hold down on it for the live photo. Oh, is it not? I don't know. Oh, it hasn't live photoed. Oh, for fuck's sake. Why weren't it live photo? That was terrifying. It's in a live photo video. Well, you know when your phone. Maybe if you send it not on WhatsApp. That was mental. Right, small business? Yeah, there you can have a look at the video now. Imagine this guy just appearing out of nowhere. what are we sending it on we have to get this on live oh my god he's making noise now I thought I had moved along

46:58you can edit that and turn that into I'll turn that into like a repeating giffing yeah that was fucking terrifying that's very funny small business shout out hi Rob and Josh and Michael. OG listener here. What an evolution you've had from those stressful days in the beginning. Yeah, we're just smooth and chilled now. Yeah. Very, very, very. I've just started a professional organising business and we'd be grateful for a shout out. Organise and declutter wardrobes, pantries, children's rooms, playrooms, charity spaces, office spaces, kidnap locations, hostage scenes and Pilates rooms with a bit of wood and a blanket hung over the back.

47:41For more information, I can be found at my main base on Instagram at curatedbyphil, F-I-L. My TikTok is the same handle. And your listeners will get a 10 % discount with the code ROBANDJOSH26, and that's capital R and J. Thank you for the support and the laugh. Stay sexy and relatable. Are you relatable these days? Who knows? We can only be what we are. That's from Phil. Good luck, Phil, curatedbyphil. Really good.

48:12Josh Widdicombe:I'm going to go down the bottom. Here we go. Here we go. Bit of blue. Hi, Rob and Josh, you sexy pat. I'm Emma, a mum of one sassy three-year-old, and after being made redundant shortly after returning from maternity leave, I decided to finally take the plunge, follow my lifelong dream of running my own creative business. I've launched Enchanted Albums, where I design personalised themed photo albums of kids' parties. Good idea. So if your kid is having a Disney princess party, a Spider-Man party, a bluey bash or anything in between, the album will match the theme of the party. Turns all those chaotic, magical, icing-smeared moments into a gorgeous keepsake families can treasure forever.

48:50Josh Widdicombe:To celebrate starting this new chapter and surviving toddler negotiations, I'm offering 10 % off for all Parenting Hell listeners. If you want to turn your camera roll carnage into something beautiful, you can find me. Enchanted Albums at Outlook.com. Enchanted Albums at Outlook.com. excellent idea and I'm sure that'll appeal to lots of our listeners that's Emma 456 months thank you very much Emma cheers Josh that's been fun I'll see you I'll see you next time I've just sent that to you guys the gif oh my god that gif is good it's a good gif that was so scary and that'll uh hopefully find your Instagram won't it Michael goodbye

49:32that refresh you've been putting off until the right deal came along

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