S13 EP20: A Couple of Vanilla Dudes

20:48Review a sunrise. Review a sunset. You cannot. You cannot. You simply cannot. We are life.

20:57Josh Widdicombe:Review life. Two men bearing their souls. They're in their ass. And you're trying to put a score on that. You're trying to score two men's ids. Yeah. Oh, I've got three stars for being me, have I? Boo-hoo.

21:18Josh Widdicombe:Did you know that psoriatic arthritis may progress over time and could cause permanent joint damage if left untreated?

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22:22I'll be moving in. Let's get started.

22:25Josh Widdicombe:Uh, sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I bought it from Carvana. You what? Yeah, great price. I even have seven days to love it or return it. So there's no... No, no buyer's remorse. More like buyer's rejoice? I guess I'll let myself out. Congratulations. I mean it. Buyer's rejoice. Buy your car today on Carvana. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our seven-day return policy at Carvana.com. Pink Panther is here. Coach and Spotify are teaming up to bring music and style together, and they want you to be part of it. Grab your friends and head to the Tabby Tour, hitting cities around the country with live performances from special artists, exclusive experiences, and personalized products.

23:04Josh Widdicombe:And discover custom playlists on Spotify, booked just for you based on who you are and how you listen. Live your story with Coach. Learn more at coach.com.

23:19Hi guys, your Playground Shaggers episode reminded me of a story I've never actually told. Even though I was right in the middle of it, please keep me anonymous. When I was 17, I worked at a small restaurant in the east of England. That's where I met Twins.

23:32Josh Widdicombe:You don't hear the east of England much, do you? What does that mean? Like Norwich? Because it's either the north east or east Anglia. Yeah, no one says the east of England. Lincoln. Are they talking about Lincoln? It better come up in this. It better be important that it's in the east of England because there's no need to, because they've both gone too vague for it to be useful. Yeah. I think it's Lincoln way. Lincoln's east of England. Yeah. So I'm picturing this in Lincoln, which is a lovely city. I was 17. That's where I met a 20-year-old chef. Let's call him Rhys. We got on well and had a summer romance.

24:06However, I then broke his heart when I left for university, which he did not take well. Instead of healing like a normal person, he emotionally dived into the arms of one of our managers. Let's call her Susan. Susan was in her late 30s, married with four kids. She took it upon herself to look after him. People quickly suspected there was more going on, but nobody had proof. Her husband, let's call him Harrison, was also a head chef at the same restaurant. So yes, husband, wife and toy boy were all working the same Friday night service. Oh no. Fast for a couple of months. It was a big old service.

24:46Yeah. Fancy some dessert. Two spoonful. Literally not making any sense. No. I gave up.

24:52Josh Widdicombe:No, what's on the specials board? Oh, there you go, yeah. Fast for a couple of months and I come home for summer after uni and go back to the restaurant. Reece starts flirting with me, so I think, okay, maybe nothing happened with Susan. It was all rumours. However, one shift, we realised they'd both been missing a while. The other manager, also in the gossip, logs into the CCTV and there they are in the back of the kitchen getting it on. At that exact moment, Harrison, Susan's husband, walks in and asks what we're all staring at, and we have to show him. Everything exploded. Susan and Harrison split.

25:25Susan and Rhys, the toy boy, got together officially. Harrison, the ex, quits his job. They even had a baby boy. So she's up to five kids. For a moment, it looked like a chaotic but wholesome ending. However, we then find out Harrison, the now ex-husband, couldn't find a new place to live. Susan, Rhys and Harrison have created a bed rota. No.

25:51Josh Widdicombe:What? Yes. What? They have a schedule. They all are in the house together. No. Well, they took turns sleeping in the bed with Susan and the new baby. One week Harrison, one week Rhys. No, that's... Madness. But that can't be because they couldn't find new accommodation. Well, it's like a custody arrangement in here, but for the mattress. A few years later, Susan decides Reece is too immature. Shocking, considering she met him when he was 10 years younger and not old enough to buy alcohol in America, and she already had four kids. I think this Anon still had a soft spot for Reece, and he's been ruined by this Susan.

26:33Unsurprisingly, after the breakup, Susan and Rhys both leave the restaurant so they don't have to work together. And the strangest part is I accidentally set the whole chain of events in motion. Oh, my word. Love the podcast never stopped. Love from Anon. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Also, she was probably thinking, oh, look, I broke up with Rhys. I'll go back shagging for the summer, go back to uni, bit of fun, jobs are good. And little does she know, she's got a kid with the manager.

26:59Josh Widdicombe:Absolutely wild. Right, let's do another one. Hi, Rob, Josh and Sexy Michael. I only discovered you when I was on baby number two, but you've been a constant companion on the night shift to the baby who, a nearly one year old, is still often up every 20 minutes. Oh, my God. I don't know what I would have done without you. I wanted to send in a story about some top shaggers. What's slightly unique about these shaggers is that they were, in fact, friends of my gran. Old shaggers. We're talking top elderly shaggers, if you will. Lovely. Vintage. Yeah. To go back to the start of the story, when my gran was 80 and couldn't do her own gardening anymore, she hired a sprightly young gardener who was a mere 69 years old.

27:44Josh Widdicombe:I bet he was. Dirty bastard. He's sexiest of all of the ages, Rob. Sucking on a wervers, giving her the eye. How old am I? Have a guess. What number's going through your mind? 69, not for the moment, but you're correct. Let me have a look at your peonies first. Yeah, let me pop down my wheelbarrow and we'll get on with it. Let me just finish laying this turf, you dirty old bitch. Sorry, I've got carried away.

28:17Josh Widdicombe:We'll call him Will. The news about Will's excellent gardening skills must have spread quickly because soon he was gardening for all the local old ladies. Yeah. My mum, sisters and me all made the hilarious jokes about him tending the old ladies' gardens and thought no more of it. The thing is that Will kept being quite suggestive with my gran. He was quite often mentioned there was just an 11-year age gap between them. When she went on holiday with her friend Brenda, he bought them both roses and picked them up at the airport. Oh, that's quite nice. What I haven't yet mentioned about Will, this is a person who's in charge of narrative, Rob.

28:56Josh Widdicombe:Oh, come on. Was that he was, in fact, married. Love it. There's no halter device, telemetry red phone in this, this email. This person's on top. Yeah. Which we all knew. Who wrote this? John Grisham. So he was married, but was still trying to, trying it on with my gran. So imagine our shock when one day my gran called my mum to tell her that Brenda had asked her to urgently go over and see her. Brendan, Brenda, revealed to my gran that she'd been having an affair with Will and his wife had found out. Oh, at 80, you don't, I know it sounds bad, but I would really like a photo of all the people involved.

29:35I just can't imagine anyone moving. To be one off? No. Oh, right, no. No, but just to understand it, because 69 and 80, you can get people that sit in a chair all day. Well, I don't know if Brenda's 80.

29:46Josh Widdicombe:We only know the grand's 80. We don't know if Brenda's 80. Right, we don't know about Brenda. Yes, this shows their age. Brenda and Will had had an exchange of, in quotes, steamy letters. Sent by Pigeon. and his wife had found them one day while looking for her hairbrush. After being thrown out by his wife, Will moved in with Brenda. One day, his ex-wife cornered my gran in the ladies' section of John Lewis. This is like some sort of Richard Osman old people argument. It is, isn't it? Well, it is very well plotted. To ask if she'd known about the affair, my sweet innocent gran had indeed not known, but reflected that perhaps she shouldn't have taken them at their word when she showed up at Brenda's house to find a semi-naked will, only to be told he had to guard in his underwear due to medical issues sweating too much.

30:39Josh Widdicombe:Come on. No, he's not guarding in his pants. That is mental. He's the anti-Prince Andrew. He's sweating too much. She later said she thought if she'd shown any interest, she thinks he would have picked up on her too. Well, we can all say that. Yeah. Put your money where your mouth is, Nan. Yeah. giving it all that smack talk bit of hush for the sad bit fast forward a couple of years and Will became ill and sadly died however because he still hadn't divorced his wife due to the shame of divorce in the elderly community he had two funerals one where his ex-wife was the chief mourner and one where Brenda was which one was the body in?

31:24Josh Widdicombe:was he sent through the crematorium twice? I double cooked chips

31:36could you kind of I bet he sweated in that fucking I know this is quite a weird question

31:42Josh Widdicombe:could you like half do it like could you because this is the first of two funerals I mean Will and Brendan's families are out there and they may well be listeners please keep me anonymous it says that yeah lovely lovely stuff we should this is just be called shaggers is there's even more playgrounds i haven't seen any playground action hey guys apart from the aussies back listening to the pod after a long hiatus life divorce well let's hear this out life divorce and kids got in the way fair enough you're going through a divorce yeah two men complaining about their pretty and she family lives yeah so my ex-husband a keen gardener named sweaty will um trying to catch up on 2024 episode so it may take some time listening to the playground shagga stories i had to email in with my playground shagga story so after breaking up with my kid's dad after a long time together i was going through quite a lot of emotions around a year after we broke up my friend suggested going on the apps so one morning i checked my dating app and realized i drunkly matched with a guy i realized i recognized i looked at his location and sure enough it was my area it was one of the dads from school not just any dad but the one dad i'd always joke with the mum friends that he was the only hot dad in school however i had no idea he was single we'd always seen him and his partner at drop off and pick up our sons were in the same class in primary school and were due to leave the school in a few months.

33:16So I messaged him. I asked him the situation and he explained they'd split up and asked me if I wanted to go for coffee that day. After discussing it with a few mum friends, they said go and meet him, find the gossip, but under no circumstances do anything. She's going to do something. A few hours later, I was meeting Hot Dad locally for a coffee. He suggested a walk and explained about his situation. He said he told his wife he no longer wanted to be with her on Friday. day this was monday yes we'd waited a whole two days before heading out on a date that is mental we walked and talked about our situations and it felt more supportive than anything he is very flirty and obviously was not used to dating he was very handsy and even kissed me which i was very shocked at after this we only met for one more coffee again but it was all very pg we mostly spoke about divorce and how the kids were coping we texted occasionally and stayed in touch Speed forward to the last week of the school and all the leavers parties and assemblies for our boys.

34:14We kept bumping into each other and he texted to ask if I wanted to go for a drink one Friday. I agreed and arranged to meet locally. On the Friday, it was a heat wave. I sat in my garden and decided I couldn't be bothered to get on a bus and go and meet this guy. So he suggested he come to mine and have a few beers in the garden. He agreed and arrived an hour later. We were sat in the garden enjoying a drink and catching up. His phone started to ring. It was his ex. He didn't answer. She phoned again. I told him to answer as it could be an emergency with his son. He answered. I could hear him talking and mentioned the bar at the end of my road.

34:48I thought, that's a bit strange. He got off the call and said, I need to go. She thinks I'm at that bar. Then he left immediately. I was sat in shock in the garden wondering if he was actually separated or whether he lied. Then the doorbell rings. I thought, oh, I bet he's back. I answered the door. Oh, no. And in an EastEnders classic ending, she was stood there. she started shouting at me asking why her ex was there telling me it was disgusting i said we're just friends and whatever is going on with them has nothing to do with me and promptly shut the door turns out she was tracking his phone and was waiting outside when he left oh no so fast to say he is divorced now so wasn't lying we've seen each other a few times since but nothing serious keep it sexy relatable there you go i just think that's a lot of drama that just i just think He's going to get a shag out of it.

35:38If you're going to get confronted on your doorstep, you might as well, you know, let someone have a go. You've had all the hassle without any of the fun. You're divorced, that's fine. He's separated. He's allowed to meet other people. Sounds like a lot of hassle there. How would you... We've done this before, but I think if we were single now and we were dating again, you can't go with anyone from school.

36:03Josh Widdicombe:I'm not going on a nap. the thought of someone i know being on the app and seeing me on the app is too painful would you go someone famous or non-famous if you had to remarry non-famous so that i had all the power

36:24oh i'd like to go i'd like to go so much more famous adele adele yeah i'd love to i'd just love to be like a kept man just follow her around while she's saying i used to be a comedian yeah i'll just be getting on a private jet with golf clubs wherever we land i've got to have a round

36:42Josh Widdicombe:and go watch the show well like lana del rey marrying that um guy that's a crocodile tour guide that's she yeah she just met him on a crocodile tour got on would you enjoy that life rob so if I'm married to Adele in this situation. So, yeah, this isn't about Adele. This is about a famous... Someone like a famous female artist. Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift, Adele. Okay, right. Whatever. Someone who's got a hundred, you know, person entourage who are travelling the world. I couldn't do the Taylor Swift. And you're one of the entourage. No, but I couldn't... No, I'm not the entourage. I'm the love of their life.

37:21Josh Widdicombe:No, Rob. But when they're going to soundcheck, Like you're kind of queuing up in the refreshments area, talking to the sound man. To be fair, I might go... And the sound man's thinking this fucking freeloading... He's absolute... Do you know what? I might just go on the Ed Sheeran tour and it'll be less busy backstage. No, I don't think I could be with someone like Taylor Swift that is like that big of a megastar in that way. Well, like Adele is a megastar, obviously, but she is very much on or off. Yeah, she's private. She's private and hidden. I mean, she'd probably love to marry me and I just talk about our week on here.

38:01She spent her entire life building towards secrecy and I'm just that big guy. Yeah, so pop down B &M. She got loads of grief for selfies.

38:12We're off for the world tour. She's in Munich for six months. I'm just going to hammer all the golf courses around there, maybe do the Munich comedy stuff.

38:20Josh Widdicombe:it would be such a weird life if you were because you'd never see your friends i mean you couldn't you could just not go on the tour but if it was like we tour together and because you'd know like the management would be very watchful of you because they'd be worried you were an influence on her and a liability and a liability so we got so who's gonna look after robbie's gonna be in Vegas for three months. Oh God, it'd be awful. And you'd think you were friends with all of the crew. Yeah, I would turn up. Daniel Craig's over there. How good was that Bond song? She smashed it. And then you'd get ahead of yourself, And you go.

39:07I'd be like Yoko Ono doing backing vocals. Do you reckon I can do five at the top? Adele, I've got a spoon here. I've got a spoon and a dream. Let me bang that while you're singing. do you mind if I open do a type 5 at the top Adele can you bring Alan Carter to come on the tour I'm lonely ironically I'm having to listen to your songs to sort of wallow in it

39:32Josh Widdicombe:would you watch the show every night I suppose you'd have to I think I'll go start and end start and end clap them on clap them off but then you'd be worried because you'd think the guys at the side of the stage are they going to tell her don't tell her I've gone on what's she paying you I'll give you 50 quid what's that she gives you an end of tour massive okay I'll just stay and watch

40:01tough gig nine nights in a row and it's like it's all ballads when does she do a dance no dance no none dance okay

40:16Josh Widdicombe:I get distracted from the light on your phone That's just But if I saw about that It's Josh Can we move the record? Still at the gig What have I been up to this week? Absolutely nothing Same, same Don't you find it annoying when you go to the MGM casino And the crew PA's late how strictly Josh I've not managed to play golf this week by the way I'm getting worse at golf that's a separate conversation I wasn't running at 119 the other day I'm sorry I'm gonna we go she's on Graham Norton I'm still at the back waving get me on the sofa yeah but I used to do the sofa before I was with you what do you mean you don't want me there with her I've got a story about shit myself and the monkeys chasing me in Malaysia

41:14Josh Widdicombe:Pink Panther is here. Coach and Spotify are teaming up to bring music and style together, and they want you to be part of it. Grab your friends and head to the Tabby Tour, hitting cities around the country with live performances from special artists, exclusive experiences, and personalized products. And discover custom playlists on Spotify, built just for you based on who you are and how you listen. Live your story with Coach.

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42:22Josh Widdicombe:What propels you? Propel with Gatorade electrolytes.

42:29Oh, Josh, another shagger gets in touch. Hello, I'm one of the playground shaggers. Just thought I'd write in with a playground shagger story from the other side. It's not as exciting as some I've heard on here, but I don't think you've had one from the other side before, so here goes. Me and my partner met in the school playground. Our children are in the same class. Every morning we got talking. We had a good laugh on sports day, et cetera. Now for the details. His relationship was over. He was sleeping on the sofa and unsure what to do. No, that doesn't mean your relationship's over. Relationship over means you've got your own flat and you're divorced.

43:04Not in the same room. Been there, mate. Relationship's still hot as cold.

43:10Josh Widdicombe:It's still life. Yeah. He's essentially Michael Carrick at the moment. He's still the manager, but he's on the sofa. Save it. Save the football star. He was sleeping on the sofa and unsure what to do. My relationship was okay, but my feelings for him was something I couldn't ignore. Okay. I was honest with my partner at the time. I said, I have strong feelings, but I am confused as I did love my current partner. Well, I thought I did. Now, I'm sorry. That is just, you are, you're just gutless. Just leave. None of this. I think I've got feelings for someone. As soon as that's said, fuck off, it's over.

43:43Josh Widdicombe:Don't you think? I think anyone – this is unfair because some people have come through these things. But at the bare minimum – Yeah, but Josh, have they? Have they? Or have they just tell themselves that and then it all goes shits up in about 10 years still? Have they gone through these things? At the bare minimum, it is exposing some fault lines that exist. I was honest with my partner at the time, I said I have strong feelings, but I'm confused as I did love my current partner. Well, I thought I did. You didn't. You've lied to yourself. A few moments went by of us having a quick five-minute conversation on the school run.

44:16We decided to go for coffee and actually talk. Yes, an actual coffee, not an innuendo. We talked. It's very defensive, isn't it, this shagga? We talked and figured we both had strong feelings for each other. Again, I told my partner this and they were fine with it as it was just a coffee with a friend. Well, no, it wasn't just a coffee with a friend. If I go for a coffee with you, George, I don't tell you I've got strong feelings for you. No, exactly. That's a coffee with someone that you fancy that you're confessing feelings to.

44:45Josh Widdicombe:I think a coffee... There's a lot of coffees going on, isn't there? When it was time to leave, it was gut-wrenching. Borderline pathetic, even. We barely knew each other, yet leaving felt like a punch to the stomach. After a few weeks, we tried to be friends and pretend feelings weren't there, but we couldn't ignore it anymore. If love at first sight was real, then it was. Yeah, fair enough. We took a leap of faith. I left my partner, he moved out and we got together. It has been the best three years of our lives, currently planning our wedding. However, the school playground clique didn't see it that way.

45:16The rumour was that we were sleeping together from months to a year, arranging meet-ups at each other's homes while we both worked full-time, he had kids in the house, etc. None of the other parents talked to us anymore. They all move away and give us dirty looks. We never did anything until we got together. We are aware that it moved fast, but both of us were

45:34Josh Widdicombe:single when we got together i think there's crossover there but i don't think you should be it's difficult isn't it because right here's the thing like yeah if you're friends with a couple if you're if you're friends with both of them yeah and they split up in bad circumstances even if one misbehaves i don't think if i'm friends with both of them i'm going to just blacklist someone well no do you know what i mean essentially if we've if i've got a friend who has misbehaved this is my genuine feeling yeah i'm not going to go you had an affair i'm never going to speak to you again no people make mistakes but also the way i look at it this is for the people at the school gates you were with your partner and the other couple were still living together when you were meeting up on Secret Coffee's Confessing Feelings.

46:32I think I'd feel more hurt if Lou was meeting up with a guy she really, really liked, you know, behind my back. Because I know she's told her partner, but a meeting with a friend is different to doing this. I would find that more upsetting than if Lou got really drunk on a night out and snogged someone in a drunken mistake. If you're both with someone and live with someone, it's going to look bad. From them to the outside, they weren't divorced or separated anyway none of the other parents talk to us anymore they'll move away and give us dirty looks we never did a thing until we got together we're aware that it moved fast but both of us were single when we got together but then that's a bit of a gray area i think you can't start going for that coffee to confess your feelings to someone is a date it's not just meeting for coffee with a friend you're going on a date you're confessing feelings personally i think really if you've got kids in the house you can't be dating other people until you've all got your own space and the children had time to process everything personally i may be wrong stuff goes on but i think have a bit of self-control chill the fuck out yeah um oh not a single person's asked either of us what actually happened just playground gossip i don't think

47:40Josh Widdicombe:they should be extra so no i don't think they should be you know from the playground i think that's wild since then it turns out two people out of the playground clique have been caught cheating on their partners may we don't judge until your home is in order feels like a big disgusting Roman orgy this school. Well, a great episode of Playground Shaggers. Loads more Shaggers. Lovely to hear from the Shaggers. There you go. Another Playground Shaggers. Please send in more. We'll do another special later in the year. See you next time, Josh. See you next time, Rob. See you next time.

48:15Josh Widdicombe:Pink Panther us here. Coach and Spotify are teaming up to bring music and style together and they want you to be part of it. Grab your friends and head to the Tabby Tour, hitting cities around the country with live performances from special artists, exclusive experiences, and personalized products. And discover custom playlists on Spotify, booked just for you based on who you are and how you listen. Live your story with Coach. Learn more at Coach.com. Fall has never looked or tasted this good. Sweet Green's fall harvest menu is back with seasonal favorites dressed to impress and made to be devoured.

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