S13 EP4: Rob Beckett: The Toast Thief

24:28Josh Widdicombe:he's probably going to pass that down.

24:37Josh Widdicombe:The odds are looking like he's passing that down. Well, did I tell you that my kids told me off for being aggressive on holiday because I complained? Did I tell you this? What did you do? So this is when the breakfast, I was on holiday. The breakfast was wrong about three times and they kept on coming over. I found it a bit frustrating. So they go, don't worry, sir, it'll be fine. And I go, and I was like, no, sorry. And I was just, I was being quite assertive and direct. Yeah. I wasn't being rude. I didn't read my voice, but my kids have never seen me be assertive or direct. It's always been, hey, kid, you know, very soft.

25:07They haven't been at work with you then? No, they haven't. Because at work I'm slightly different at home. And I can be quite assertive and quite direct. and they've never really seen that side of me. And they would go, dad, you'll shout and you'll be really rude. And then I got really defensive and angry because I always pride myself on not being like that because I really don't want to do that. So then I felt a little bit annoyed because I was like, no, actually, this is unfair because I'm not actually being like that. And then I felt myself getting angry. I was like, oh, God, I'm now becoming what they said I am because I was angry that I felt it was not justified.

25:40Anyway, looted to the kids to Legoland at the weekend while I was away working. there was a man at the front being really rude and aggressive, like going like, he'd bought the wrong fast passes, I think. And they wouldn't let him on. So he's going, I'm going to film you. Where's your boss? This isn't, and like being shouting aggressive. And Louie said she was sitting there with the girls and they were sort of giving side eye, like, oh God, this man's been a bit mad. And then I was really happy that, because I, it had been playing on my mind a little bit, because I don't ever want to be, I had a lot of family members growing up that could sometimes get a bit angry in situations.

26:11And it wasn't nice to be around as a child. And this is, you know, numerous people. It's not one individual. And I've always said I don't want to be like that, but I know I do have a little bit of a temper that I try and breathe through. Yeah. And the youngest said to Lou, oh, daddy wasn't being like that, was he? Because she's seen an example of someone actually being rude and aggressive. Yeah, yeah. And then she was like, oh, and Lou kind of was going, yeah, no, daddy was behaving in a slightly different way than you've seen him, but he wasn't being angry and aggressive. It was just sort of trying to be quite assertive and direct kind of thing.

26:49So we never complained about anything anywhere, really. We were quite chilled, but we just need some butter and stuff. So that was quite nice actually to hear that, that she'd seen different. That's the kind of thing, a comment from my child that could really play in my mind and really become negative. Cause then I start to, cause it feeds that negative thought process. Do you know what I mean? So it was quite nice for her to see someone acting like that and going, oh, no, it wasn't. That was a different type of communication.

27:17Josh Widdicombe:I don't think this man on this crazy golf course has your ability to be self-analytical and try and improve himself, judging by this experience. But then, you know. You never know. You don't know what's happened to him. You don't know what's happened to him. Let's give him his due. But he sounds like a wine car. But anyway, but that was a good one. Thank you very much to C and a kiss. So we get from that person. What do you want now? Do you want to get Alfred? Do you want, oh, we've got workplace shaggers, but we'll save that. Weird and interesting things your kids are obsessed with. Playground shaggers, parenting fails.

27:59Oh, food confessions, Josh. We had a lot of listeners who responded to the chewing up of the crackers and mini cheddars before putting on another cracker a lot of people said it was disgusting and it made them feel sick but a lot of people said they also chew up crackers on mini cheddars and then spit them back out and then put them on another cracker and eat them like a cracker sandwich there's like a there seems to be a community of this well i'm glad they found a

28:23Josh Widdicombe:community community is very good in this day in any day and age community i know but they can not do that near me ever yes ideally i genuinely think i'd struggle if i was like going out with someone i saw them do that i think i don't i think i'd really struggle to i'd have to have a serious chat about that yeah but then i couldn't change it like you can't divorce someone just because they're fucking weirdo with crackers writing that on the form why are you getting divorced fucking weird with crackers mate yeah surely you'd know before you got married i mean i've only just heard about this now i didn't know it was a thing at all um we got we got another one here hello rob joshua michael i was listening to the recent episode of rob's cheesy breadstick confession yeah i want to share mine when i was younger i would sneak into the kitchen behind my mom's back to steal a spoonful of bistro gravy granule straight from the pot oh my god i'd often take a heaping tea tablespoon and quickly run away only to return for another teaspoon to for another fix.

29:22Josh Widdicombe:Oh, my word. My mum would regularly comment on why the gravy granules always run out, but I simply blamed it on being northern, unable to eat anything without it swimming in gravy. Little did she know her own daughter had taken to spooning half the salty pellets raw as a late-night after-school snack. Oh, wow. They must be so strong. sadly as i got older this habit still continues oh no from amelia um loving the pod look forward to my playground shaggers amelia you've written that as if it doesn't happen anymore and you just stuck in at the end it still continues so not when i get older the confession should be i still yeah i don't want to hear about you as a child i want the confession should be i do this it started when I was a child, but I do this.

30:15Now, Amelia, I want more details about now. I don't care. You are an adult with free will. Talk me through how you are eating it now. Do you just, because it's naughty when you're a kid and like sneaky, but now you're just an adult in a house with unlimited funds for gravy.

30:31Josh Widdicombe:Yeah. Not unlimited, but I do think most people have unlimited funds for gravy. When you're a kid and you imagine what unlimited funds would be like, well, not unlimited funds, but as you say. But for gravy, it's unlimited funds, isn't it? Gravy's not that I'm thinking I'm going to buy a box of stickers, you know, like football stickers and it's going to be fucking incredible. Football shirts for me and football stickers. Yeah. And actually it's crap when you just buy it, when you can afford to buy all the stickers for the sticker album. It ruins it. Go on, sorry. Go on. I put on loads of weight when I was about 25.

31:11Oh, sorry. I have put on a bit I've really let go I've got to sort myself out this end of summer I know I have I'm just heavy I just put on weight easily but I'm it's fine I can sort that out I am you're a super responder to Chris I'm a super responder to exercise I am about 25 25 was I probably no maybe later 28 I just started earning like better money because I've done a little bit of TV started selling a few more tickets was getting better gigs got an agent so I started earning money where as I've seen man i worked out i could afford to have kfc for lunch every day here we go and i was like i can just have a kfc because before it was too expensive to have kfc every day yeah you know i mean was it five to ten quid depending on like if you're having like a full meal or but yeah but before i used to be in one pound sushi from tesco yeah i used to be doing the boots meal deal when I was, you know.

32:08Yeah, so like two, three quid a day. I could have eight quid a day for lunch if I want. And I just had KFC every day for lunch for like three weeks and I was, it was great but it starts to have an impact.

32:21Josh Widdicombe:It does, yeah, because you're not supposed to advise me. Well, you are having fried chicken every day. But it's not just fried chicken, you've got the bun, you've got the gravy, you've got the wings. So what were you having, a full-on meal? So it started off because I got a bit overexcited having like a zinger box. What's in a zinger box? So you're looking at a burger, fries, a side. So it would be like the side could be gravy for me. But you could have got coleslaw or like sweet corn, corn and the corn. So it'd be gravy, a chicken burger, two wings, fries and a drink. Right. Wow. And I'd have that.

32:57What's your drink? What drink? It would be diet or water. So diet coke or water. Then I started going, hey, Rob, let's be sensible about this. so I just buy loads of chicken. Yeah, yeah. Great protein. So I just have like five chicken tenders with no chips and in a pot of gravy and mayonnaise. That's my healthy option. Yeah.

33:22Just like lying to myself about protein. Yeah, of course. Because there's no carb here, just completely ignoring the breadcrumbs around the edge. Yeah, yeah, of course.

33:34Josh Widdicombe:Anyway. Oh, dear. right what do you that's another one what did you first spend your money on when you got a proper job as a grown up yes and yeah what did you go mad on when you first got some money coming in alright longest shortest time between wake up and leaving the house because I don't know about you Josh I'm loving no school run at the moment love it well we had a bit of it this morning because we had clubs yeah but it's still not so early it's the early one because we have to Our school starts early. Oh, and do you know what we're doing this summer? Because we don't walk that much where we live.

34:10Because where we live, there's nowhere to walk to. Basically, it's the drive everywhere. It's not like our old house where you could do like a 10-minute walk to school, 10-minute walk back from school. We're not walking enough as a family because you have to drive everywhere because it's the countryside. So Lou's got pedometers and we're doing a family, like, you know, the little cheap, not Fitbits, but the cheap ones. And the kids are banging to it. And basically, they've got to do 10 ,000 steps every day, minimum. That's the goal. And then at the end of the week, whoever's done the most steps out of the whole family gets a fiver.

34:40Oh, here we go. Okay. Here we go. It's so funny that my kids will like go into the fridge, walking, like just walking up and like backwards and forwards, like everywhere. And like walking around with their iPads. Because it's like, you want them to do more exercise and stuff, but like you've got to make it fun. Yeah. Move around. Right. Shortest longest time between wake up and leaving the house. Hi, Rob and Josh. Just wanted to write in with what's got to be the most efficient morning routine ever invented, courtesy of my lazy 11-year-old son. We live over the road from school, and although a lovely school, it is not my son's favourite place or thing.

35:16He has begun to have the kind of lions we could only have dreamed of when he was a baby. 45 minutes sleep, eat, repeat. What? Oh, when he was a baby, he was doing 45 minutes sleep, and then he eats. Yeah, got you. I thought he meant, yeah. So now he's having lions. She meant now. I was like, what? He was like, what the fuck's this? What's wrong with this fucking loon? I now need to wake him most mornings, and he set a new record this week for time from horizontal in bed to school gates. 15 minutes. 15 minutes. That's good. He woke him at 8.25. He was in school at 8.40. Yeah. In that time, he got up, did a poo, had breakfast.

35:56Whoa, to be fair, that's eating into your 15 minutes. Big time. He had a poo, had breakfast, got dressed, brushed his teeth, made his packed lunch. Whoa. In capitals and a laughy crying face. He put sun cream on and walked to the gates with my younger two complaining even though they'd been up hours earlier. I'm half embarrassed, half proud. Thanks for a superb, Bob, stay sexy, relatable, Sarah. What a guy. Love him. So, Josh, do you want parenting help or parenting hell? It's a long one with swear words in. No. getting offered by an in-law, workplace shaggar. Was Rob also a toast thief? Oh, yeah, let's have this.

36:38So we spoke about I was at a buffet on holiday and someone took my toast. Oh, right, yeah, yeah. Okay. I was very surprised to hear Rob complaining in episode one, series 13, about someone stealing his toast at a hotel buffet. I'll tell you why. Here we go. In 2022, my wife and I were on holiday in Greece with our three kids, Callum, Fraser and Bonnie. I know it's wrong with the breakfast buffet restaurant. Without intruding, I pointed him out to my kids. Oh, yeah, not intruding, just pointed at someone. Fair enough. And told him it was a famous comedian. A few minutes later, my son Fraser went to the buffet.

37:11He returned empty-plated and clearly unhappy. What's wrong? I asked. Fraser responded that that famous guy stole my toast. Yes, here we go. Here we go. He proceeded to explain that he put a piece of toast of bread in the toaster, in the conveyor belt type. I'll talk about moving the goalposts. Fuck me. Do you remember this holiday, Rob?

37:35Josh Widdicombe:Greece conveyor belt toaster, 2022. My children would have been six and four, so no, I was barely aware of what was going on, to be fair. Hang on. He proceeded to explain that he put a bread in the toaster, the conveyor belt type thing, and Rob put a piece of bread in straight after him. However, when Fraser's toast came out, immediately followed by Rob's, Rob took both Fraser's toast and his own. Since then, Rob has been known in our house as toast thief.

38:03So I was very amused to hear him complaining on the same trial. He'll be known to be as a hypocrite as well as a toast thief. Keep up the good work and the best in your future endeavours, but stay away from our toast. Ewan from Glasgow. Right. Now, I've got some questions here, Ewan. I'm happy to open up a dialogue. how old is Fraser because I think that matters yeah because look I don't remember this I want to know his age in my defence there's a lot of stuff going on here children lie here we go how old is Fraser Fraser

38:45Josh Widdicombe:whatever his kid's called how old is Fraser two I think Sorry, Rob, you're accusing his child of lying. You've decided your opening is to accuse a child of lying. Children lie. Okay. Yeah. So do adults. Also, children love attention, don't they? Yeah. That's coming from you. And do you know what's good for attention? An anecdote about a famous person. Yeah.

39:17Because seeing Rob Beckett, and I did quotation marks there, As I'm talking to the third person. At a buffet. Great story. Yeah. We've all got one of those, haven't we? He loves a buffet. He's always around them. From pizza hut to Greek breakfast. However, Rob Beckett stole my toast. Oh, does someone need an interesting fact for a workplace team bonding? Yeah? Is that what's going on? Can I ask a question? I don't know what point I'm on there.

39:44Josh Widdicombe:Can I ask a question? Is this the same Greek resort that I've been to? I don't know. I've been to loads of different places in Greece. I don't know why I went in 2022. Secondly, I think this is the big point as well here. Obviously, this is half joking just to fill some podcast time. But the conveyor belt, the conveyor belt is a complex system. It's difficult to know which one's which. And I will, I never, ever do one go in the conveyor belt. I like well done toast. So I'm going in twice. yeah yeah that's what i'm saying so i i just think the pop-up toaster you can clearly you know there's two in there two come out the conveyor belt it's a it's a it's a tag on your toast like a like a you know a um suitcase at an airport yeah because what what's happened there is that is not toast theft because i didn't know it's someone else's at worst i've misjudged my toast my mistaken identity at worst in a pop up and pop out that is theft what i've done is made an honest mistake however i put to you maybe fraser's made an honest mistake yeah well that's a bonus after you've called him a little liar maybe that little prick

41:10maybe that little lying toad but maybe he has mistaken his toast we'll never know all i'm What I'm saying is the conveyor belts are lawless land. The pop-up, pop-down toaster is clear theft. And I think case dismissed. It would be my opinion on it. Josh, it's up to you. And Ewan, sorry for calling yourself a prig. I was only joking.

41:35Josh Widdicombe:I don't think we can accuse Fraser of lying. I don't think he would. No, I think it's a mistaken identity of toast, personally. Yeah. I've got a question. But we don't know by who. I only eat sourdough. Treaded wheat. Sourdough. Because if I have the white stuff. Because you're part of the media elite? Yeah. It's because if I have the white bread, my belly bloats and I do smelly farts. Okay. Ewan, another question for you, because I would like more information on this, because if I'm wrong, I will apologise. Has that been going on since 2022? Does Fraser eat sourdough? That's been the case for about 10 years.

42:09Does Fraser eat sourdough toast? That's my only question for the prosecution.

42:13Josh Widdicombe:Okay. Ewan, I look forward to hearing from you. and if Fraser does eat sourdough toast what does that mean? we're back in the court if he doesn't eat sourdough toast my case rests your case rests anyway so we'll see from that but apologies if I didn't hit the toast but I think it's a mistaken identity I'm not I'm not taking that I think that's a different that's filed under a different kind of story than the toast thief I dealt with

42:44Josh Widdicombe:should we do one more as a palate cleanser? And, like, you know, if I was walking back from the toast machine and I was stood there with, you know, for example, Timmy Mallett. Yeah. I want Timmy Mallett to knit my toast for the story. Of course, of course. So you're going to be – I'm going looking for that. While you regretted accusing him of making it up, you are now doubling down on it. Yeah. No, no, no, I don't regret accusing him of making it up. I regret accusing him of saying it was an anecdote and, two, calling the child a prick. I regret those two things. I'd like to retract those. Yeah, okay.

43:21Josh Widdicombe:If I can. Your honour? I don't know if you can. Michael, can you? May I approach the bench? You may approach the bench. Michael, how do you feel I dealt with that? I think, is it sustained overall? Which one is it? The problem is it's an old trick in courts. Once a jury's heard it, they've heard it. They can't forget hearing it. Oh, exactly. The damage is done. The damage is done, so, yeah. I've based a lot of my courtroom skills on the Matthew McConaughey, John Grisham book to movie films. So, yeah. Anyway, Ewan, go fuck yourself, mate.

44:02Josh Widdicombe:Now you've got an anecdote, Ewan. Yeah, well, you'd have to make up. Anyway, no, I'm only messing. I look forward to hearing their response. Yeah, I'd like to hear a bit more, Ewan. Obviously, apologies if I did nick your son's toast, but I think it might be mistaken, toast identity. But give me some more info and we can work it out. Now, weird and interesting things your kids are obsessed with. Hi, Rob. Oh, this was emailed in before all the toast stuff. Hi, Rob, Josh, and Michael. My son, Fraser, loves to make up anecdotes. He started on a holiday in Greece, And since then, he's had his bike stolen by Ainsley Harriot.

44:40He got his hair cut by Vidal Sassoon. Hi, Rob, Joshua Michael. My seven-year-old son, Abel, okay, is absolutely obsessed with the Premier Inn Hotel chain. Amazing. Superb. This is great. loves everything about it and has even been spotted by the Instagram team for his World Book Day outfit where he went dressed as a Premier Inn manager. Amazing. So good. With his official management manual. Oh, wow. He has even had a Premier Inn themed bedroom at home. Wow. Then he acquits with a breakfast menu on his bedside table and Lenny Henry sleeping next to him. I'm joking. That's not true. I've never met another child with more of a niche special interest Thanks Christina That is brilliant

45:34Josh Widdicombe:Is he still into the delivery thing Your boy Yeah yeah yeah They're delivering some stuff in a few weeks Yeah he's in broad transport But DHL is one of his absolute faves Do keep those coming in Because that is great that he's obsessed with Premier Is Premier in the purple one Yes I mean I think that's a good They've got good branding haven't they they're like the color and stuff is is we've got so many emails here yeah should we have one more and do you want to do a michael should we do a playground shaggers to get people to send more in for a special here we go so let's do a play do you want playground or workplace shaggers josh so if you have any stories of sort of people that are having affairs at the school gates or in the workplace please send them in yeah um that will give you a little example of one workplace or playground uh workplace hi please keep me anonymous i had to email and tell you about our family business christmas party it was the early 2000s and my parents paid for staff and a plus one to attend a fancy sit-down meal with drinks and dancing afterwards one member of staff didn't have a significant other so he decided to bring an escort with him as his plus one what i mean i'm Oh, hang on.

46:46He introduced her to everyone as his new girlfriend. So I think what this is, he's sort of gone with someone and just pretended to be my girlfriend for a bit and say we've been seeing each other for a few months. So it's not, it's more I think he was embarrassed that he was single as opposed to like just wanting sex, I think. Anyway, he introduced her to everyone as his new girlfriend. Every time he went to the toilet or the bar, she proceeded to offer her services to a number of the other male guests. Oh, my fucking God.

47:16Josh Widdicombe:This is wild. One of the warehouse staff who was in his early 60s and there was his... Oh, my God. I can't believe I'm reading this out. One of the warehouse staff who was in his early 60s and there with his wife took her up on the offer. No way. I'm glad you said on the offer because you said the warehouse staff took her up and I thought, oh, no, sorry. Oh, no, not up. Took her up on the offer. On the offer sounds rude anyway. She only pulled. She bent over and I saw her on the offer. Whilst his wife was on the dance floor, he slipped to the disabled toilets with the escort. I can't leave this one.

48:08And it wasn't long until they were caught in a compromising position by the security. I get this, Josh, after they accidentally pulled the emergency alarm in the toilet.

48:17Josh Widdicombe:Oh my God, it's too good. It all kicked off and half of our party was asked to leave. He retired shortly after. And I'm not sure if his wife stayed with him or not. Surely not. Is Lou staying with you in that situation, Rob? No, you know, it's too public and too humiliate. I just don't understand. I think with these things that go on, there must be some sort of deep-rooted problem in the relationship where he or she's cheated before. He's not off the cuff. It's not he's gone off a little bit only and she's got the arm, so I'm going to do this. You know what I mean? Why not? I'm going to go to the disabled toilet with an escort who's come with someone else pretending to be his girlfriend, and I'm going to take her up on the offer.

49:01I mean, are these people, do they just go mental as they get older? Because I'm 40. I don't think I've got the energy to have sex with anyone in a disabled toilet. No. I'd just rather go home early. Yeah, exactly. And he must have had cash on him. She might do chip and pin. Come on.

49:22That's why she pulled the alarm. The card got declined. Anyway, we did not have another Christmas party for a few years after that from Anon. Oh, my God. Imagine being the owner of the company, though.

49:33Josh Widdicombe:I love these ones where they've put Anon, but the story is so specific that anyone who knows that story knows. than that. Let's do this. If you hear a story in here that you know of, please send in the un-anon. Un-anon it. Just for us, so we know who it was and where it was. And we may or may not read it out. Josh, small business. Absolutely wild, yeah. Hi, Rob and Josh. I would like to give my brother-in-law small business a shout out. Located in Dulwich and Croydon Park. He owns and runs two butchers called The Proud Sow. He created the amazing business whilst also raising my fantastic niece and nephew.

50:12We love the shop stories of meat, which is always delicious and cooked to perfection by him. Anyone local, please visit for Amazing Sausages, Another Meat. You can find him on Insta at ProudSow, P-R-O-U-D-S-O-W. Thanks for laughing, making me smile almost as much as Ollie's meat.

50:28Josh Widdicombe:Hi, Rob and Josh. Been a listener since the beginning in COVID times and now on maternity leave with my first baby. Somehow the podcast didn't put me off. Hoping for a shout-out for my best friend's business. She's a former teacher who has created the Good Life Garden to encourage kids to get outside more, offering stay-and-play sessions, family gardening club, birthday parties, forest school, and gardening in schools and gardening services. She's based in Bedford. It can be found on Instagram and Facebook, at Good Life Garden Bedford. She's amazing and balancing growing her business with raising her own family.

51:02Josh Widdicombe:So if you're local, check her out. Thanks, Emily. Thank you, Emily. Yeah. Right, Josh, I'll see you next time, yeah? It's more or less that's done, isn't it? Oh, what, forever. Bye. It's been a long run. Good run. Do you know what, Josh? I love doing this. Thank you for doing it. It's strong. Very excited about what we're going to be up to. And don't worry, it's not going to be going professional. But should I leave that there as a little tease? Oh, I like a little tease. But we're going to be doing something podcast-wise, aren't we? Let's see. A little bit of a tip. I'm going to be taking Rob up on the offer.

51:35Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, I'm going to take him right up the offer. Take him right up the offer. All right, see you later. Bye.