S13 EP6: You can't be enjoying life

24:06Anyway, it became an uncomfortable and sometimes hostile drop-off for many parents who were harassed by the yellow ribbon mums for not showing support for Mr. H.

24:15Josh Widdicombe:Oh, my God. It turns out the main yellow ribbon mum. By the way, they're not wrong about this. It can be identified as a story. There's no way. Wait, I mean, this has never happened anywhere else. You've got to be anonymous for this. Well, it turns out the main Yellow Ribbon mum was having an affair with Mr H. Of course. I'm not sure how the news got out, but she left her husband and then had a short-lived relationship with Mr H after the news leaked. The primary school then hired an interim headteacher from a nearby school. We'll call him Mr J. Well, there must be something in the water because Mr J then had an affair with a parent from the PTA.

24:50Oh, my God. He didn't stick around long after the news broke, but no ribbons this time. Good thing this took place in the 90s, as today it will be all over social media.

24:59Josh Widdicombe:Do we know if Mr. H did, what was it? Fraudulent activity. Fraudulent activity. Wow. Yellow ribbons. I bet that the problem is, if Mr. H was innocent of fraudulent activity, the moment you sleep with the head of the yellow ribbon crew, you're just, your campaign is over. Should we do flying solo as a child, Rob? Yeah. Hello. After hearing Josh's story about being put on a plane to South Africa at the age of 10, I thought I'd share my own. I forgot that happened. It was 1982, the year before I was born, and I was 12 years old, traveling around Europe with my mum and dad one summer. They weren't your average parents.

25:38Josh Widdicombe:Before leaving Dublin, they rented three bikes, rolled them onto a ferry to France, and simply kept going. The plan worked fine until my bike was stolen in the south of France. from that point on we began zigzagging across europe on train instead at the end of our trip we boarded the magic bus from athens to london oh my god fuck that absolutely f that up the people do that travel across the world race across the world and they're I was just a 22-hour coach from Thailand to Laos. That is a show I would struggle to do. You don't like travelling. So I rung your agent the other day to talk about something, and normally she always thinks it's bad news when I ring.

26:27Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, I bet she does. Because I'll be like going, oh, you need to look out for Rom or Tom or Josh, you know. And I went, no, everyone's absolutely fine. Don't worry, no panic. Because obviously I work with a lot of clients. So if I know one of you is having a bit of a tough time, I'll always like check in on you guys with her. So she always dreads my calls. Anyway, she was, she said that you, you said after the Rom Romage thing, you loved it, but you couldn't do a travel log. You find the traveling too much as a series. I think I do. Do you know what it is? It isn't when you're there. It's when you get back.

26:58Yeah. I was just fucked.

27:00Josh Widdicombe:I was just fucked. And I had to get my, and I'm like, then you're just into your life. and I love it when I'm there because you're in a bubble yeah but whenever I've gone away to film when I get back I'm like oh man it's hard to get back in me and Lou really clash because she gets in her own little like a rhythm then I come back and I'm trying to be helpful but actually I'm just in the way so it's like it's that's the hardest bit about the travel one missing the kids but also when you come back you're just in a suitcase out of a suitcase and especially when doing loads you're like you've gone again you know what i mean but this will come back on me when i do a travel log but no but you'll be fine you'll get you the thing is that the worrying thing is though josh if you travel a lot you get dangerously used to it and then that becomes your life and identity and then that's what drags people away from their families it's not people that don't like their family or don't like their kids or don't like being at home but you just you just get so used to it that becomes your lifestyle and a lot of these people that work away from home a lot it just it's difficult yeah so on the final morning my dad casually told me that he and my mum were getting off in northern france since they've sent their bikes ahead that meant i'd have to finish the journey on my own including including the border crossing into dover they went on the coach so it went from france to dover and they're going to meet her in dover just so they could ride their bike so that's a long way from probably where you there's quite a lot of france to do as Well, they waved goodbye as the bus pulled away, leaving me to continue towards Camden Town alone.

28:33Josh Widdicombe:What? I'd been given my uncle's phone number with instructions to call him when I arrived so he could guide me to his flat. How old was this kid? Twelve. This should be illegal. They should go to prison. This is 1982, Rob. Yeah, but that's not allowed. That's 1982. It's not allowed. I'm sorry. That was terrible parenting to the point of should be criminally prosecuted. Well, it's 1982. You've abandoned a 12-year-old child in a foreign country. I'd been given my uncle's phone number. Oh, thank God. By the time we reached London. Actually, take that back. She's got her uncle's phone number. She's got her uncle's landline.

29:08Josh Widdicombe:By the time we'd reached London, it was already dark. I stepped off the bus into a city I didn't know, found a phone box, and made a call. Two trains later, I emerged from an escalator to see my uncle waiting on the other side of the turnstile. The relief I felt at that moment was overwhelming. as it turned out my parents had decided to spend an extra few days in france fuck it out so i remained in london over the next several days i explored the city on my own it was an ironing experience that gave me a healthy dose of independence and some much-needed street smarts cheers steve yeah yeah you process the trauma however you want

29:47first week of university fails hello when my husband rich arrived on his first day at the

29:52Josh Widdicombe:the university of York. He was unpacking all his new kitchen stuff using a knife. Oh no. As he cut through some packaging, he slipped and stabbed himself deep in the thigh. Thigh. At this exact moment, his first new flatmate walked into the kitchen to introduce herself. Rich surreptitiously pulled the knife out of his thigh. The worst thing you can do. And greeted the flatmate cheerily. He pretended he wasn't in terrible pain until his flatmate pointed out a horribly bloodstained jeans and said i think you're bleeding completely embarrassed rich admitted what had happened and two of his brand new flatmates had to help him hobble across campus to the doctor's surgery it earned him the long-standing nickname stabby mcgee and became hilarious and embarrassing story recounted throughout the year of the flat love the show sophie from york stabby mcgee stabby mcgee right do you want a um parenting fails it's a long one but I reckon we've got it in us.

30:51We deserve it. Hello, you sexy relatable pair. It was day four of our family holiday and by this point, this is parenting fails. By this point, I'd reached that specific level of parental exhaustion where your standards begin to quietly dissolve in the heat. We were sitting by the pool, prime sun lounger territory secured at an ungodly hour that morning. And for the first time all day, I actually managed to sit down. Sunshine and cocktail within reach. My two boys, five and six at the time, temporarily entertained. It was suspiciously peaceful. Then my youngest son appeared. Mummy, I need the toilet.

31:23Now, ordinarily, this would be a completely reasonable request. However, this child had already asked to go to the toilet five times that day. Each trip involved me drying him off, wrestling him out of his UV all-in-one suit, marching across what felt like several postcodes of resort grounds to the nearest bathroom, only for him to either decide he didn't actually need a wee, get distracted by the ice cream stand, or produce roughly three drops of urine after a 15-minute expedition. I'd reached my limit so in what I can only describe as one of the worst parenting decisions of my life I leaned in and whispered just go in the pool everyone does great great now important note when I said this I assumed he understood the unspoken societal agreement this would happily happen discreetly underwater like every other feral child on holiday guys he did not before Before I could process what was happening, he marched with absolute confidence to the edge of the very crowded pool.

32:18Families everywhere, couples relaxing, people on inflatables. Then, in horrifying slow motion, he stood tall like he was about to make an announcement. He unzipped his full body sun protection suit, pulled it down, reached in, and extracted his willy with the confidence of a man who had trained his whole life for this moment. For approximately two full seconds, the entire pool seemed frozen in confusion. then a spectacular fountain of wheat arched directly into the pool. Not a subtle trickle, not a discreet little accent, a full-pressure ornamental water feature. I've never moved so fast in my life.

32:56I launched myself off the lounger like I was being fired from a cannon, springing barefoot across scorching tiles while shouting, No, no, no, no, not like that. Oh, no. But it was too late. The damage was done. He looked at me midstream, utterly confused, as if I was the unreasonable and said in front of everyone in the pool, you said everyone does it, which was difficult to argue with while he was actively urinating in front of half the hotel. Oh, God. By the time I reached in, the pool had started emptying at record speed. I spent the rest of the holiday avoiding eye contact with everyone at the result and decided to have more beach days after that incident at the pool.

33:37Oh, my God. Thanks to the pod, guys. That's a great parenting fail. I've listened since lockdown, Jess Carter.

33:43Josh Widdicombe:Do you think they then need to change all the water in the pool? How does that work? Well, because we have a shit, they scoop it out, and no one's allowed in it for half an hour. They're calling it off, don't they? I think if they've seen the wee happen, they'd have to corner it off and put some more chemicals in. Do you know what I mean? Because it is, you know, we know that people do that. But if you've seen it happen, you're all the lifeguard dude. The lifeguard dude. Josh, I want to go back to those boomers in France. Yeah. These boomers we get of like mad things people did, and they left their kid up in Camden for an extra few days.

34:22In the 80s and 70s, did parents love their children less or was everyone doing it so it just felt like the norm? What is leading to this? They didn't love them less. Because are there people that had children in the 80s listening to that thinking that these people are horrendous as well and we're only getting the minority or was everyone

34:44Josh Widdicombe:doing it well i don't think you're thinking that people are horrendous and i don't think i think the people are horrendous i know you do i think those people are horrendous so i don't because i think that's the culture in the same way probably that were you to play me something from the 90s that would now be considered absolutely appalling a television show that would now be considered appalling that we used to like that we used to like i don't think oh you know that i used to drink from my shoe in nightclubs and do a shoonie when i was like 18 yeah so it's just the culture and the check and so i don't think it is really like i mean i don't know because i wasn't there so maybe that was outlandish and wrong and bad um and i wonder you know in 30 years whether people will be like you know they used to fucking let their kids go on their phone and do this ipads yeah yeah i do think phones and ipads and the addiction of these i i'm so addicted i've deleted tiktok i'm so addicted to instagram as well and it's horrible because i still have to have it for work stuff because i have to post certain things especially if you're you know promoting what you're doing trying to sell tickets or you're doing like a collaboration and stuff and there like there is some really cool stuff on there as well but then i get just trapped in that algorithm it's the algorithms the problem it's so addictive and i and i and i think we'll look back on that the way people on phones the way people used to smoke on trains like it's so hard not to yeah exactly and so i think yeah it's a cultural thing it's a it's a an era and cultural thing and long may we you know gain traction by reading out emails from people that in the past were probably completely normal, but now we can judge.

36:32Do you want another boomer while we're on it? Yeah. Hi, Rob and Josh. This happened in the mid-80s when I was about two years old. We were travelling back to the UK from Peru. It's Paddings and Bears emailed in. Yeah. Where we lived because of my dad's job. We had a stopover for a few hours in Bogota, Colombia. Bogota. Bogota, sorry. Now, when I think of Bogota, I think drug cartels, guerrilla movements and political violence. My parents apparently thought, perfect place for a bit of sightseeing. So they took a taxi from the airport to a nearby museum. On the journey, I fell asleep, leaving them with every parent's nightmare, waking a toddler from a nap.

37:12For most parents, there is only one option. You wake the child and deal with the inevitable meltdown. But apparently there was another option available in 1980s Colombia. They left me in the taxi. What? Yep, a two-year-old child asleep in a taxi in Bogota with a driver they'd never met before. And because this story wasn't quite insane enough, the driver also kindly offered to look after all their luggage. That is wild. So off went my parents with my older brother for a leisurely wander around a museum while I remained parked outside with a complete stranger. That is mental. To this day, my mum insists it was fine because nothing happened.

37:53the thing is nobody actually knows that

38:02the thing nobody has a faintest clue what happened during that half hour for all anyone knows i spent 30 minutes helping to run an international cartel before being returned to the same exact parking space the 80s were absolutely wild and despite stories like this part of me still thinks i'd rather be bringing my kids up then than now i mean because really someone could have put stuff in the not not not that everyone in columbia is involved in drugs but in the 80s i think they might have been but they could have put like drugs in the suitcases as well obviously columbia has a

38:34Josh Widdicombe:reputation that's a tiny part of it but anywhere to leave someone with a like i i think the luggage is a bad enough uh decision but there we go well i i get i get though say that you're you're paying the cab driver to wait anyway maybe so go look we'll pay you to wait and take us back to the airport if it's only a stopover but i think i'd sit in the car with the baby and let the other two go to the museum yes i'm not that fussed about a museum no do you know what i mean i i to be honest any excuse not to go to the museum would be ideal for me yeah is it air cons probably no air con in the 80s no just a little toddler having a nap in a car anyway i'll enjoy it do another one yeah one very early morning we were leaving in the car there's always cars in it to go on a family holiday and came across a deer that had been hit but was still alive oh no okay my sister and i seven and eight were already upset the situation before my mum whipped a knife out the glove box and jumped out the car she's gonna she's gonna have to kill the deer my scottish daddy's squeamish cut from a very different cloth to my Danish barbarian mum.

39:44Not wanting to watch the execution, he reversed the car about 100 metres, but it was dark and my mum needed the headlights to see what she was doing. Oh, no. She sprinted back through the dark towards us, wielding the knife like Freddy Krueger and demanded he drive back to the poor deer on the road. She's doing a good thing. In a brief pit stop before our holiday started, we watched as a family as she executed the deer with her bare hands. Oh, fucking God. She returned to her seat as if nothing had happened, We set off on a wholesome holiday. Keep it sexy relatable, Fergus. Oh, my God. The Scandies are like that, though.

40:18They killed and did a thing on a giraffe at a zoo. Did you hear about that? No. They did a live, and what's it called when they open up an animal and go through it?

40:32Josh Widdicombe:Autopsy. Autopsy. And it got bad. In 2014, they euthanized an 18-month-old healthy giraffe called Marius. And then they did like, the carcass was just dissected publicly at the zoo in front of visitors, including children. Oh, my God. The meat was fed to the zoo carnivores. Well, that's the grimmest thing I've ever heard. Well, they said that the reason they did it, his genes were too common in the European breeding program and they're keeping him risked inbreeding. I don't deny that. I don't know what I'm talking about. I'd be quite interested to see what incesting draughts look like. Yeah. What would come out, because they're a bit nutty already.

41:15Imagine an incest draught. A draught already looks like it's a product of incest. Doesn't it?

41:22Josh Widdicombe:It is. Rob. Yeah. Would you like to judge a solidarity or solid Karen? Yes. My fiancée and I just got back from our holiday in Corfu and love to hear your opinions on the situation I encountered while watching England. Our hotel had a big TV in the lobby and was full of English fans waiting to watch England versus Norway. We had to get a seat out on the terrace and view the TV through the window. It was packed. Vibes were vibing. Big Guinnesses were, baby Guinnesses were flowing. From the back of the terrace, there was a family with a dad with the deepest Yorkshire accent I've ever heard. It travelled far.

41:58Josh Widdicombe:They were watching the game on their iPad. Absolutely fine. but they were 45 seconds ahead who were the yorkshire family yeah who watching on the ipad when norway scored you heard oh for fuck's sake annoying but brushed off when england scored he celebrated and ruined it for 70 plus english fans watching on the lobby tv chance filled the room turn it off turn it off fucking turn it off etc he was so vocal and winding everyone up shouting about fouls corners yellow cards 45 seconds before everyone else game ended and it was left at that three nights later we play argentina oh god i guess who's primed waiting with his ipad at the back of the terrace no the lob lobby tv so was lagging so many people went out on the terrace and had the game up on their phones we were all a couple of minutes ahead when gordon scored everyone celebrated as quietly as they could out respect for the lobby fans but guess who didn't get the memo when argentina was scored i had enough of this knobhead so i walked to the back of the terrace talk about is it about something else and approached him and his family now for context i'm a five foot five girl against six foot six yorkshire man yeah uh what i wanted to say was shut the fuck up you fucking prick you're ruining it for everyone but i was a waitress so my social skills have developed to deal with knobheads me hi sorry i understand you're really passionate about the game but you're ruining it for everyone down there and inside i know it's hard but would you mind trying to keep it down a little so i replied sorry we have it on our ipad so we're ahead yes i understand that but we do as well i'm being respectful to people around us wife i've told him to be quiet but he's a massive football fan i cut her off here do you not think everyone is also a massive football fan i've asked him so he'll try said the wife i walked away here the man didn't once look at me his wife was a spokesperson for a group suddenly enough i didn't hear a peep after that was i right to try and pull him up on it stay sexy relatable katie um i i think someone needed to say something there is a problem with this this day and age when things aren't at the same time so when i was watching the final uh i was watching it through iplayer or itvx or whatever channel i was watching it on i was watching it because our sky isn't linked up at the moment because of um building work obviously of course you're laying on the floor when i was watching on tv yeah and um and then when spain scored in the final it was such a shit final we're talking about football again aren't we yeah sorry i well you i got a text 30 seconds before saying thank god all right so i was behind but i only realized when people were texting yes and that in itself it kind of kills the excitement but it's quite thrilling to watch it play out like that well that was what we had that when we were coming back from vegas and we was watching the mexico game i was watching it before checking so i couldn't check in yet and i had up my ipad there was someone ahead with faster connection and they cheered and then we were waiting and it was a bit of a buzz actually and then funny when um we were watching the game and then a lady come out of the lift sort of dark hair a mexican like latino looking lady and she looked over to us she went smiled and she went sorry about that and we went what and then we looked down mexico scored she found out about it before she got in the lift walked out of the lift and she went sorry about that and as she said that bang I was like oh fuck I actually got a photo with her on the plane I'm trying to find it but I think it was right to say something yeah I agree the best summer memories are made outside and L.L.

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47:19Right.

47:20Josh Widdicombe:One more email. Let's do a customer service revenge, Rob. And then you do your one. and then we'll do a small business shout out hi rob josh and michael just wanted to share my customer service revenge story it was around 2008 i was 18 years old working for an energy call center the pay was good but most customers were rude and awful we used to hate martin lewis as whenever he was on this morning discussing the latest energy news the phones would go mad anyway after two years i handed my notice and it was my very last working day one particular customer called and was being so rude to me her name was something like miss sifter and at the end of the call i changed it on the system to mrs shitter this was back in the day when you'd get a paper bill so i took great pleasure in knowing the next 30 days her door her bill would be landing on her doormat with mrs shitter on the envelope i did feel bad for whatever colleague would end up taking the next call from her though but it made me feel a lot better love you all in the podcast and P.S.

48:24Josh Widdicombe:I reckon most listeners would agree we don't care when you veer away from talking about parenting. If anything, it's your best work. F the Reddit haters, Kim from Gosport. Oh, thank you, Kim from Gosport. Talking of small towns. Yeah. Weird local town traditions. Hello, sexy men. In Whitby, we celebrate the Whitby regatta. What started as a rowing race has become full of lots of weird traditions. When the town can afford it, we even get a visit from the Red Arrows. Oh, nice. I wonder how much that is to get the red arrows for a fly past yeah can't be much can it a lot of planes a lot of people yeah a lot of planes a lot of people sounds like they're desperate for a little day out anyway how often are the red arrows working they do like the queen yeah they're around a lot like the king I'll never get used to it they're like the Harlem Globetrotters do they change but you never like see them do an event like you know an England game or something like you very rarely see the red arrows 11 grand plus insurance a red-eyed flypast does not have a standard fixed price tag but a RAF for charging guidelines so it lists a full display package around 11 grand and 2.5 grand for insurance while transit route flypast are often free if conditions are met oh so if they're already going somewhere you can ask to reroute round oh here we go there we go so you just need 11 grand for that yeah um a large pole is this is weird traditions a large pole is covered in vaseline and oil and placed over the harbour with a small flag at the end on the opposite side of the harbour are cocktail bars where people gather to watch the famous greasy pole people mainly men take it in turns to try and retrieve the flag from the end of the pole great great great great with the majority of people landing in the harbour if you manage to get the flag at the end you win a crate of beer back in the day they would cover the pole in boat oil abigail featherstone that sounds like i like that as a tradition yeah i'd love to watch that i'd love to watch that i'm sure it's on youtube i'd love to see a live stream of it yeah um i think that's about us rob small business small biz small biz small biz hi you pair of slags i want to shout out my wife's business potty about pets.

50:38Beth started a small business while making prosthetic limb covers. What the fuck? And after a year, she managed to turn her hobby into a full-time job. She makes bespoke pottery that captures the lightness of your pet from vases, mugs to cake toppers. She has battled so hard to make this work and would love a shower. Her Instagram is potty.about.pets. And her website is pottyaboutpets.co.uk. So she can make... I'm going to have a look at this because it's hard to get your head around. Oh, they're great. Yeah? I like them. There you go. Oh, you'd love this, Joshua, your cats. You've got to get one.

51:16Okay, great. Potty About Pets. They look really cool. I like the mugs. On Instagram. I'm on the website. Oh, they can make your cats into a Christmas decoration. Look at that. Oh, yes. She's got lovely nails as well. Lovely nails in all the photos. Oh, well, there we go. Good on you. Good luck with that. Thank you, Owen, for sending that in about Beth's business.

51:38Josh Widdicombe:Dear Rob, Josh, and Michael, I've started listening to the pod just after the arrival of my little one, and I wish I'd found it sooner to prepare me for the realities of parenting. He is 18 months old now, and I've just caught up with the back catalogue, aiming to be up to date by the time I see Josh on tour in Norwich. That was a while ago. I'm hoping for some small business shout-out from my cousin Ben and his small business Benissimo Pizza. they are a small family run business selling gourmet stone baked italian pizzas from a converted horse box lovely lovely they are honestly delicious with a gorgeous sourdough crust you could hire them for events in norfolk suffolk cambridge and surrounding areas think parties weddings festivals pub quizzes whatever you need super proud of my cousin for setting this up and he's recently quit his previous job to focus full-time on the venture find them on Instagram or Facebook just search Benissimo pizza B-N-I-S-S-I-M-O Tanto Amore and stay sexy and relatable Louise 374 months love it I love pizza I'm going to have pizza tomorrow I'm so hungry that talking about pizza there and we've got what's your pizza?

52:43Josh Widdicombe:we've got to record some ads but my fucking yogurt is my tripod mate you're so close to that yogurt see you next time bye

52:58I see you.

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