S13 EP7: The one where Rob gets a speeding ticket in Germany

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2:19Monzo takes care of the money stuff so you can get busy living. Joint account requires both applicants to have a Monzo account and be over 18. Kids account for ages 6 to 15 requires a parent or guardian account. UK residents, T's and C's apply. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Bella, can you say Rob? Yeah. Beckett? Yeah. And can you say Josh? Yeah. There we go, Rob. That's good. Efficient in and out. Hello, you sexy and relatable legends. I don't like inefficient. Here's a clip of my adorable... Hang on. Sorry. Sorry. You don't like inefficient? No, I'm unprofessional. I'm not inefficient.

3:05I'm unprofessional. True. Well, yeah, well, I'd say... No, I'm not unprofessional. I'm disorganised. You're disorganised. But then that disorganisation leads to inefficiency. Yeah, what I don't like, I suppose. Because at the moment, Josh, you're currently in a room where the door doesn't shut. Yeah. And it's quite echoey and we can hear your children playing. And I'd say that isn't an efficient podcasting space. No, but I suppose the other argument is I've given up an hour of my holiday to keep us on track, which is a pretty, whereas other people wouldn't have done that. So that's quite an efficient thing to do.

3:41Or quite noble, quite noble of you. Noble, yeah. Well, no, not Noble. I'd say it's the least you'd expect of two, three people, you know, running one of the biggest podcasts in Europe is to be able to give up an hour of their holiday. Yeah, an hour of the holiday, yeah. But we're here now. Why do we always say in Europe? It feels weird. Let's just say it. Because there's much bigger podcasts in the rest of the world. That's why. No, let's say in the world, excluding America. Let's take, I reckon, I don't reckon that there's many bigger. What is it, EMEA? Europe, Middle East. When I do award ceremonies, it always says, like, the vice president of EMEA.

4:21And I'm like, what the fuck's that? But I think it's called Europe, Middle East, Malaysia. EMEA. It's Africa, the last day. It's Africa, the last day. Okay, so we're the biggest podcast in Europe, the Middle East, and Africa. Michael, is there any bigger podcasts in Qatar? The biggest comedy entertainment podcast. Oh, it's getting there. Let's start. It's getting worse. But hosted by two men and talking about their kids is just pathetic. Well, I'd say hosted by two men doesn't narrow it down. It doesn't exclude many podcasts. They say what you want about men. They know their way around a fucking podcast.

4:57So. Why don't more women do podcasts? Because in my experience. Well, Marina's beating us, isn't she? Presumably, Michael. Let's not talk about competition. Who's Marina? Marina Hyde. What is that noise? What is that noise? That's insane. It's a child with a whistle. Right. I'm pretty relaxed, but a kid with a whistle is where I draw the line. Okay, let's stop now. I can't put up with a kid with a whistle just normally in my house. Never mind. Well, that's because I'm more chilled out, aren't I, these days, Rob? Is it not an argument that you get the whistle now? No, I don't think it'll be used again.

5:34I can't see it being used again. What, by a five-year-old? But surely it'll be used again. I think it's, judging by the power of the whistle, that was a two-year-old. I want to say you've got other kids in the house. Oh, he's using it again. Oh, yeah, there's loads of people here. Right, okay. So is it worth getting rid of the whistle or...? Let's see if it goes again. Okay. Something's good to... That's a bell. That's a bell.

6:03You've got a percussion class. I'll go get a bell. And the whistle. I've still got my headphones in, so I can hear what you say. Yeah, no, don't worry. If they've got an air horn, maybe grab that as well. Well, Vuvuzela, if there's any Vuvuzelas. I can feel your stress coming through. I'm a pretty relaxed guy, but a whistle in a room without a door that shuts. He's going to have to go and be the bad guy. I'd say, though, if I was staying in Josh Willicom's house as a friend and he had to do a podcast for an hour, I'd go, right, let me take the kids up and bark. Fuck it, here it comes. There we go.

6:44Good chance to get my tea, actually. I just left it out of hand. Look, Rob, it's all grammable content. Especially after your hatred of inefficiency. My hatred of inefficiency? We still haven't read this email out because we're so inefficient. So there are still people and kids talking about what's the plan. Yeah, I've got to say, we need to be quiet. Okay. I like this. Listen to this. I like it when Josh is assertive. Can we shut that door? Thank you. He's too polite. I'd go, look. I think you're so polite. Chill, Josh. Yeah. I'd go, look, the hallway's a fucking disgrace of a place to play. Get in the garden now.

7:23They weren't playing. They were leading a one-year-old down the stairs, so it's difficult to go. Oh, right, OK. Yeah, yeah. Can you? Yeah. Yeah. Why don't you fucking pick up the kid, accept I can't walk yet and get out my way I'm about to broadcast I'm about to broadcast to the nation and by the nation I mean England, Qatar and and Chad Huge and Chad We're huge and Chad Let's do it Here is a clip of my adorable two year old Bella attempting to say your name She hasn't fully got the hang of syllables yet but she's doing great with simple words keep being great. Lots of love. Shez from Dunstable.

8:04Bedford Shez. That's what my mum says about me. How are you? I'm good. I drove back from Germany yesterday. Oh, yeah? How was Germany? Well, it was good. Very hot. We went on a road trip, didn't we? I'm back in London slash Kent. You're away on holiday in your back zoo. So how was Germany? Germany was good. It was a heatwave. It was 36 degrees, Josh, in a theme park. Of course you're into a theme park. Fucking hell, you can find a theme park anywhere. If you drop the Beckett's on the moon, you'd find a fucking theme park. If you drop the Beckett's in the middle of the fucking, you know, Sahara Desert, where we're huge as a podcast.

8:48Yeah, right in the slap bang in the middle of Chad. Yeah. Then you would find a theme park. You can't escape a theme park, Rob. You're not even into theme parks. I would Google theme park in Chad. Why not? Why not? Why not a theme park in Chad? Probably be cooler than it was in Germany. No, there isn't actually. Yeah, that's why Lou's not got it on our list. No. There we go. No theme park in Chad, but they do have elephants. They do have elephants. Yeah. Go and slide down the trunk, mate. Does that count as a ride? It depends what you do with him. Do you know what? If I was in Germany and it was a heat wave.

9:24Yeah. And someone said, should we go to a theme park? Yeah. I might punch them. Yeah, I know, but you don't like the heat or theme parks, do you? Let me try and work out what's going on. Rob, Rob. Yeah. I'll let you into a little secret. Go on. Neither do you. No, I do. I don't like 36 degrees. Also, Josh, it was so... No, I mean... Yeah, go on. People sweating, right? I'll talk about what we did, but I've got to tell you this, right? I get people get BO, right? And when it's hot and you're at a theme park, you're sweating a lot, you get BO. I think I experienced the most intense BO I've ever experienced in my life.

10:00I walked past a man in the queue, right? And he went to the front of a runaway train to sit down with his family. He stunk a BO. And I was like, that's lively. I sat at the back of the train. As the roller coaster went down, I could smell him. Oh, my God. It travelled through the air, through the train to the back seat, where I could smell the man. Look, I don't think it travelled. It just stayed, didn't it? It stayed. It hung in the air. It was like Michael Jordan just hung there. Yeah. Jump man. Oh, my word. And I caught it on the back row. Oh, my word. But no, so we went to, we had a little family holiday.

10:33We left on Friday morning last week. We drove to Le Shuttle in Folkestone. Yeah. Got on a train that took half an hour to get to France, which is mental. So good, isn't it? Great. I love the Eurostar. I had a shit on the train and the other people we were with thought that was insane. Why do they think that? Well, it was horrible toilets. You're only on it half an hour. And I was on a train going underwater and I had a ship. I was desperate. I think that's fine. I think it's fine, isn't it? Josh Pugh did a very... Josh Pugh's so funny. Yeah. I think he's... I think Josh Pugh's one of the great chroniclers of modern British life.

11:11There you go. I'm going to say it. Okay. And how's this right to me? Oh, someone's walked into the room. What are you doing? Oh, hello. There's a child here. I'd say you're... Is that one of your children? Yeah. Very different energy to you. What do you mean? He burst straight in, door wide open, bowled in, picked something up. Well, he is five. Didn't even look at you and then walked out with the door open still. Five-year-old is very unlikely to go, excuse me, could I just, I know you're doing a podcast, but can I just grab your phone because I want to look at Lego on it. My pen pal in Senegal has been talking about it.

11:47Yeah. What did he grab? My phone, because he's obsessed with looking at different Lego sets on the Lego website. Oh, so go and get Dad's phone for the Lego, fair enough. Yeah. What did Josh Pugh do? Josh Pugh, he did a video of men on holiday, and it was just a guy trying to involve people in a talk about whether they'd had a shit yet on holiday. Well, it does. It impacts you differently at time zones as well. He's the great chronicle of modern life. It's observations on what people do are just up there with Alan Bennett and Rob Beckett. Wow. What a compliment to Alan Bennett and Josh Pugh.

12:35Anyway, so, but it coincided with my normal go time, which I'm pretty regular with, and it was on the train. I thought I've got half hours to kill while I'm not trying. I've got a long drive. I find people that have a normal go time absolutely wild. Really? Where are you going then? Just when the mood takes... Oh, I had another one of my... When the mood takes you? That's no way to live. No wonder you're stressed. You could have a shit at any moment. Well, no, I'm able to hold it. Every morning after I've had a coffee, sort of about eight-ish, I'm banging one out. Well, I don't drink coffee. Right, it's the decaf, so you're just...

13:06I had one, Rob. I had another one of mine. You're like a free-flowing midfielder. You're Steven Mannerman. You can deposit anywhere. Rob, enjoy it on this pod. There'll be no more football chat on this pod coming soon. it's going to be banned sorry go on so what was you saying about your toilet time I had another one of my jogging and then needed a shit situations the other day awful it's just terrible I'd rather have a regular pull on a train than just be running I don't have a problem with you going on a train I was surprised you didn't as far as the law of averages you haven't been on a rollercoaster to be honest.

13:47You spent so much time on that. I nearly did on the first one. I'll tell you about that, don't you?

13:54Anyway. Where were you? You were on the Eurostar. No, you were running and having a shit. I want to talk about this. Oh, no, I was just saying that as an aside. I was on a cliff top in Cornwall, running along the coastal path, and I thought, this timing's not ideal. I'm a good mile and a half, two miles from home. And what did you do? I just lost a lot of pace. Because you can't go at top, you can't spread your legs and and really go so but you didn't just find a bush no no i don't think i'd ever shit in a bush whatever the situation oh yeah you have to i think i'd no i think i'd rather just shit myself than shit in a bush because at least then you're the victim but if you go in a bush that's your own decision you can't shit yourself not with a pants you wear it's too much it's there's no there's no like you can in a pair of like tight boxes because at least it secures it yours is all over it's like yeah this is disgusting so anyway what are we talking about yeah on the euro star and then we um no we weren't the euro sorry it's something it's called something i don't know what it's called whatever it's the shuttle the tunnel the euro tunnel um then we drove to reams rems yeah they got a theme park that you could pop into it's the champagne region so we went on um a champagne tour did the kids enjoy that do you know what they actually did because that one, because basically all the different champagne houses have little places we can buy it and sit there and drink.

15:16So we went at Verve Clico, which is quite a pretty little garden, some drinks. Then we tried to walk to Tatinger, but it was 32 degrees. The kids weren't in the right footwear. They had a meltdown. At one point, also my daughter had put on like a jumpsuit thing, which was lovely and flowy. What footwear were they in? Stilettos? Crocs. Oh, right, Crocs. But no socks and Crocs, which is not ideal for walking. You needed like trainers. And she was in like this bodysuit, but it was lovely. but way too a bit too hot, she needed shorts and a t-shirt or a vest or something so in the end she was like I'm too hot we went past the shop and my mate went there's all shorts in there, we go in there this man didn't speak a word of English and we started picking up shorts and then we suddenly realised it's basically a triathlon shop selling like high end 100 euros shorts for people that are competing in cycling, swimming and running not really the ideal short wear for a 10 year old girl was too hot.

16:12But then I was sort of in there committing, she's like, these ones are like that one. And like, he's holding up like sizing and like, I'm not buying a pair of light recycling shorts. So we abandoned that. They get too hot. But we went to the Pomeroy and the Pomeroy is like, Louie, I think she's called Louise. Actually, she, it was started by two. Your wife? No, it weren't Louie. I think she's called Louise. This woman that keeps coming on holiday with me. She's always there making me go on rides. no but um she basically was a female trailblazer in champagne and yeah where they've got in this they still sounds like the same louise they built these this like cellar for the to keep the champagne which really it's really cool so the kids were sweating red art and like oh nice like sweating out we get down these steps where you go to this really cup up it's like the guide's got a coat on it's 35 degrees outside i'm like why is it when i'm dying to heat here we start walking down the stairs and then i just say to lou i was like they're gonna complain about being cold in a minute i've been crying because of the heat as soon as we get to the bottom one goes i'm cold but basically because it's a bit dark and scary this louise pomery she um bought loads of art and it's like an art gallery down there because you wanted to make it less scary for visitors and people work in there so it's all like art installations that are really cool and you also get a tour of how champagne's made and all that so it's actually quite interesting and it's quite a good one for kids because the other ones are more adults this one was good for kids so it's quite a good stop off on the way down so we did that um then we so that was about two and a half hours three hours stayed there the night then it was another three three and a half hours to germany and we stayed at a place called europa park so you know i did that i don't know if you that film where I played a parrot at the Grand Prix of Europe.

18:05Can I be honest? Go on. I don't know whether this is a prank. I don't know whether you're taking the piss. No, no. So I actually feel a bit offended because I'm across your art and your output, actually. And you're not really – I know you're doing Strictly, and you're telling me you don't know I played a parrot commentator of the Grand Prix of Europe film. I had an embarrassing moment with not people in Strictly, yesterday go on what happened so i was talking to a um a workman right so what was he doing strictly yesterday like working on strictly no and he was like um i tell you what you got workman in cornwall as well again we're having um there's the village has christmas lights up right okay yeah the whole village so i was like i want to be involved in that yeah a bit of fun in it i want to involved in that they came around to put the christmas lights up so to measure up to measure up you know just going so that your house is yeah because i want to be involved yeah yeah yeah of course you do you love the attention because he said oh we're putting them up on uh december the first saturday of december or whatever yeah and he said i said oh i can't do saturdays and because i'm working hang on can't do saturdays as if you're going to be there on the ladder like surely you go yeah he said oh do you want to come down and you know oh i've got you got you fair enough i stand corrected jumped all over you there didn't i no it's fine it's fine that's what this podcast is that's why we're that's why we're so big in algeria but um let's not forget bahrain i think we're really hammering the a of the emea let's not forget the eme bahrain's me isn't it yeah but you said algeria which is a oh yeah yeah yeah don't get me wrong I love Africa.

19:55I visited. Let's not forget ME. Let's not forget ME. Thank you. No. So I said, I'm working. I can't do Saturday. That Saturday. And then he asked again. And I was like, oh, no, I can't do Saturdays because I'm doing Strictly. And he went, oh, yeah, but you'll probably be out by then, won't you?

20:20Well, unless he knows you're the host and he's not very confident. Do you know what I've, I had a realisation the other day when I was, I was worried about something and it was quite small. I just realised every problem that I have, someone else has had that problem and solved it. Exactly. Every problem that's ever been has been solved by someone. So, so for example, so going from small things to big things, right? So we're not driving back through Europe. Or they haven't solved it or they've just had to deal with it. Yeah, most things aren't like, apart from most day-to-day problems, if something's happened, there's a way around.

20:57Medical ones, yeah. Well, no, you're going too deep in this. Oh, okay, sorry. What I'm saying is day-to-day things, oh, I've got this coming up, I've got that, or a big work event that you're worried about, you're out of your depth. Yeah. Everyone's felt that or gone through that at some point through history and there's been some sort of resolution where they've either solved it or it's passed and it's been fine. and i find that if i slow down i'll find that solution quicker than i will if my brain goes into overdrive so sometimes my brain goes right let me solve it solve it solve it when actually go no shut up a bit just go quiet just go empty yeah because the slower you are the easier it is to solve that problem yeah so for example drawing back from europe loads you know you get all the screen all the bugs on the screens yeah screen it's really annoying me it's couldn't really in and the windscreen markers weren't really doing it.

21:46Bloody autobahn. Yeah, and I was so in my head going, oh, I should have brought something to wipe that with and started actually beating myself up over it because I was not prepared or whatever. And then I got to the petrol stage and I was just like, no, just relax, stop breathing, got to the petrol stage and put the petrol in and I saw it as a bucket with a squeezy mop thing, like a window cleaning thing. I was like, of course that's there because every single person that's done this drive has had that problem and there's a solution there. God provides. God or Esso provide. Well no just other people that have solved it at some point recently and gone do you know what it would be quite handy to have that because most people have got dirty windscreen rather than me beat myself off in my own head for not being prepared enough not doing that what's that well then you beat yourself off in your own head well no beat myself up not beat myself Michael you heard it didn't you well apparently you said apology really weird and got through the cracks which I don't know did you hear that Michael when you edited he owes an apology he was doing a callback to an earlier mispronunciation it was quite a funny joke oh we missed it sorry so we lost the earlier joke no no they were both there I think there was just a bit of a gap in the room it wasn't I didn't pick up on your great joke I need to apologise for that story of my bloody life I know but don't beat yourself off over it

23:11This episode is brought to you by Tesco Mobile. Josh, how are you with the kids' slang? Oh, mate, I try. I'll be honest, I try, but they might as well be speaking a different language. I don't know what she ate means, and I do worry about it. And when you hear something like, oh, we cooked? Well, I presume, you know, was it on an induction hop? That's what I'm thinking. We can't be alone, though, Josh. Loads of parents out there feel like they can't understand half of the words their kids use. The thing is, that can also mean a lot of us don't always understand what's going on in our kids' online lives.

23:46Exactly. It might not always feel easy, but sitting down with your kids and asking them what something like RIS means can open up important conversations about their online lives, Rob. Those chats help us keep up as parents, which helps us keep them safe online. So if you're feeling stuck about having the online safety chat, visit the Tesco Mobile Online Safety Hub, where they have plenty of tips and resources for keeping you and your family safe online.

24:30Dee Dee's has your whole family covered. Find a Dee Dee's discount store near you and go check it out today. Get your tickets now for the Dog Stars. It's no surprise how fast civilization can disappear. Out there. Kill or be killed. Jacob Elordi. There are people out there. They need our help. Josh Brolin. Shoot first and inquire afterwards. Margaret Qualley. Ow! Okay, tough guy. and guide peers arm up the dog stars directed by ridley scott in theaters august 28th get tickets now rated r under 17 not a minute without parents so yeah the parrot i played a parrot in that film yeah didn't know about the film was based on the europa park which is a big one of the biggest theme parks in europe and um i went i didn't realize it was there looked into it found out It's got loads of good rides, loads of good theming, because the people that own that park make roller coasters for all around the world.

25:32So they've done, like, the Slinky Dog in Orlando. They've done Hyperia at Fort Park. Anyway. You might as well be talking another language. Okay, cool. So anyway, we went there, and it was really good. So it's quite a fun trip to go down there, loads of good rides. Can I just fact-check something? Yeah, go on. You said you looked into it, you found out there was good rides. Yeah. Was it you that organised this? Yes. So what happened was when I did the film that you love and you've watched and you've played the Nintendo Switch game, and it's available on PS5 and Xbox, no biggie, whatever. So it's just a film star guy doing films and stuff.

26:15Did you get to voice the computer game? No. I actually didn't think about that. But, yeah, no, I didn't. Unless they took it. I've not played it. I don't do the voice in Germany, though. I did just do the English voice. So my Germans don't quite good enough. So they told me about this park. I looked into it and this is basically, I emailed and I emailed the guy who produced film and said, we're going to come down and stuff. And they, to be fair, I said, can I come down and how I couldn't understand the website? Cause it's mainly based at Germans and French. Cause there wasn't one English person there.

26:46I saw one English family in four days and it was really chilled. There was a mirror. we'll pass the mirror so it's just full and I thought the rides were going to be really good but the theme is really good as well so if you like that kind of thing you want to travel around I would massively recommend it it's got loads of good stuff for little kids and big roller coasters as well so we went there and we stayed there and I emailed them and they went and to be fair I was going to pay for it anyway but they said we can host you and give you some tickets if you do a social media post so I did there's a video of me on a roller coaster coming out but I did really enjoy it either way so I'm not I just want to be honest that they swept me out some tickets but the good thing is the longest you have to wait for a ride is about 40 minutes it's still a long time isn't it 40 minutes it's almost if if England were 1-0 up and you said we've got to hold on 40 minutes you'd go we're fucked that's what we did isn't it well once second time out but yeah but But, Josh, when you go, if you haven't got Fast Pass, if you go to somewhere like America, it's sometimes two and a half hours, two hours.

27:56I know. It blows my mind, Rob. Are you going to do theme parks for your kids? Are you just going to try and swerve it? I'm just not interested in it. I'm not trying to swerve it. They've just never asked. They're just not. If they really wanted to, how would you approach it, do you think? Would you just try and get it over and done with, or would you try and lean into enjoying it? No, I do. I mean, I do lots of things with my kids that I wouldn't do normally. Like what? I wouldn't go to horse riding normally, but I really enjoy that. Yeah, but you're not doing it. You're just watching her do it.

28:26No. Oh, I'd be happy to go on the rides. I always go on the rides when I go to theme parks. I thought you didn't like theme parks. I don't, but when I've been to theme parks, I'm not a ride dodger. And you've done the big one. I saw you do the big one with Alex Brooker, didn't you, when you did the Orton Tales thing? Yeah, I'd already done the big one, actually. I've done the big one twice, the big two. Stand corrected. Yeah. But, yeah, but I would – anyway, I massively recommend the Euro Park. It's really good. How far was your drive, and how did you keep the excitement going? To be fair, the kids – well, they don't normally have iPads in the car, so I bought a little – Lou bought it, actually, a little, like, metal plastic thing that connects to the headrest, and then you can open it and put the iPad in.

29:07So it's like a TV screen. Yeah, they just watched that nonstop, like, because they just – they were good as gold because they're a bit older. But on the drive back, we drove straight from Germany, He left at 7.30 in the morning, and it was six and a half hours to Calais. We did three piss stops. Then it was the tunnel, then another hour. Are you sharing the driving? No, I did all of it. Lou offered. But by the time I got to Folkestone, I was like, no, I want to do this. And I was so tired last night. It was a mess. Oh, my God, Rob. It was absolutely. So it was six and a half or seven hours with stops.

29:40And then we had to hang around waiting for the shuttle, then another hour. So eight hours of driving, about 10 hours in total from start to finish. Oh, my word. Fair play, Rob. And I slept for nine hours last night. Also, I always get – do you know what I'm saying? Of all these things you can do, like mindfulness, breathing, or, you know, all these things people try and do to calm down their anxiety or stress. Beat yourself off in your mind. Beat yourself off in your mind, going 80 down the autobahn. Oh, this is annoying. Right, so in France, it's like 80 miles an hour, 130 kilometers an hour is the speed limit yeah yeah so i'm doing that so germany do what you want on the motorways anyway i come off because there's a there's an accident so we have to go through these little villages these mad little german villages right driving along i'm doing 22 kilometers an hour which is yeah fucking 15 miles an hour yeah this weird metal pole flashes yeah it's a 20 I get flash no no I wasn't talking about a Polish man in a suit of armour