S13 EP8: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled...

22:21Josh Widdicombe:All you've done is bought tomatoes on the vine from our stuff. That's all you've done. Yeah, that's what you do, isn't it? I'll just plug the vine back in the ground. It'll keep growing, won't it? Now we've just bought the plants. That's a bit hardcore for me. It looks great out there. It's all grown. Of course it does. The gardener's planted it for you. No, he put the plots where they should be put and then the kids planted them actually. Oh, okay. Where he suggested where they go. Did he dig the holes? I didn't. The kids did. When I say I'm doing it, I've watched a gardener set it up and I've watched my children plant the plants.

22:56Right, okay, yeah. On your little camera thing from in the house. Yeah, on my camera thing from a Rob and Romish shoot. I was in the Bahamas, actually, while this was... No. No. So that's quite fun, though. But the strawberries... Strawberries aren't great. No? They're very sour. I don't know what to do, because they look all red and juicy, but they're disgusting. Well, you should have grown them from seed. Oh, shut up. Bollocks. Next year, though, you could grow them from seed. Oh, yeah. Well, I fuck off. No chance. From seed. How long that takes from seed? Three or four months? Ages. I did grow sunflowers, though, from seed.

23:36Oh, yeah. That was quite fun. It was from seed, actually. Yeah. So you got potatoes. What else you got? We're trying to get cucumbers.

23:43Josh Widdicombe:You got a variety of sunflowers. So what happened, full disclosure, my parents, which was a great gift. Oh, it was like a Christmas present, wasn't it? It was a Christmas present, yeah. So that's been going well. I think there's a pumpkin coming. Oh. I think there's – we've had peas. you don't really know though do you i do mine aren't from seed but i know at least i know what i've got in the ground i don't think some of ours were from seed there were small plants here we go it all this is classic absolutely classic it's all coming tumbling down now isn't it you don't even know if it was seed or not because we put a potato in the ground and then you get more potatoes is that all you have to do is put that's not a seed it's a potato it's a potato I think so.

24:29I'm not sure. So is that what them little like weird hairs are that grows off them when they're in a cupboard? It thinks it's in the ground. I think so. Potatoes thick as shit, isn't it? Please, please. Spin a dark cupboard. Here we go. Let's start growing. Go write in and tell us everything we've got wrong.

24:41Josh Widdicombe:Because this is one of the most, of all of the years, this is the most ill-educated conversation we've had. I don't care. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of people knowing more than me telling me I'm wrong. I'm fucking bored of it. Like I say, I don't walk around pubs stopping people mid-shit anecdote, giving them tips of how to improve it. You would have if your career hadn't gone as you posed. If they want to know, I'll tell them. But I don't do that. So don't tell me. And then some little fucking nerd on the Instagram post or our small business telling us that we put Sundays wrong. We put apostrophe S for Sundays rather than it just being no apostrophe S.

25:13How empty is your fucking Sunday if that is what you're writing on a fucking nice post? We're now putting up the small business shout-outs on Instagram so people can have a look at them. And buy we. And by we, we mean in the way that we are also growing plants with our children. I didn't even know it was going out, and it was a nice surprise to me as well. I don't even know Michael knew that was happening. I imagine Michael's paid some sort of hipster from East London with a sort of fixed-gear bike and his socks hanging out some money to put it up. Is that right, Michael?

25:47Josh Widdicombe:Someone has been paid, but she is not a hipster from East London. She's a very lovely social media manager. Oh, I'll get – stop grovelling. Yeah.

26:01no they said they put sundaes wrong and i was like honestly fair enough notice it and think

26:06Josh Widdicombe:we're thick as shit or whatever but i like this one what in in quotes professional podcast is this have you guys been hacked that's a good comment i like that i'm up for that that's a bit of fun anyway um why do people get so obsessed with grammar what is it that they get from security of a sort of agreed way of communication what what what what prompts people to the need to tell them that that post still makes sense yeah i mean exactly yeah i know but why do people get so worried about grammar i know and i'm one of those people but i also know that language changes language is about communication that is its primary purpose shakespeare changed it didn't he did he yeah but also language you know it evolves so maybe you know josh i got in i got some salty you know like we used to that salty josh about someone being a bit salty yeah someone was i don't know if it was salty or a bit aggy but when i think less the cinema you've just woken up yeah i just i was a bit although i genuinely wasn't so dark and cold down there i come out 30 degrees loving it drying up thinking i'm in la and i go to the there's three machines there's an old couple on one so i swerved that there was one that said sorry machine not working and there was another one right put my card in try to tap apple pay wouldn't work put my card in wouldn't work and then sometimes my card can be a bit funny with certain machines so i just was like oh it's not working there i'll try the other one yeah yeah anyway so i'm queuing up at the other one and there's a lady on the machine i was on and she's huffing and puffing and in in the time it's taken for that lady to go on the other machine i'm second in the queue of the available one that seems to be working i look behind me now it's like basically every single parent that was in watching the minions is now behind me we've got a queue of like 110 people like it's mental on one machine and then she goes and i go oh yeah i'm not i'm not sure if that one's working I was having trouble with my card she went thanks for telling me now oh come on could have told me earlier come on I was stood there wiping the sleep from my eyes and I was a bit taken I was like this is my give me a coffee and I'll deal with it and I was like well I did tell you as you were in the middle but I didn't want to tell you it weren't working because the other option is that one's not working then someone else goes up because I don't know if it's not working or not someone else goes up to it pays and she's like oh wasn't working was it yeah exactly i'm like who's shit on your conflakes exactly rob i thought a bit i thought it was unfair i think i think you're right i think you're right to think that's unfair i think you are right to think that's unfair do you want do you want cheering up go on so yesterday evening i was like right got no one else is here early bedtime just you and no no friends then just the family for the first time in yonks yeah get them to bed and then i'm gonna stay up and i'm gonna have an hour to myself okay what time what's staying up till what times half 10 or something that's all okay so it's half nine you've decided you're gonna have an hour to yourself till half 10 well once they're asleep i'm gonna have an hour to myself before i hit the futon and then at four is the futon like a bed Or is it just the mattress of the food?

29:38Have you got a photo? Can I picture the food? I'd love a photo of what you were sleeping on before and then the food, Tom. Okay, I'll send it. I'll get that. I think we as an audience deserve that, and I'm including myself with the listener and viewership. Okay. Like this has gone on so long now to the point where I just forgot that you're still sleeping on the floor. Yeah.

29:57Josh Widdicombe:Okay, I'll get those photos for you for next time. Okay. Then my daughter has got an itchy head. then Rose checked because she's got knits. Oh. So we all have to do a family knit treatment. It goes on so long. Because it was about 7pm when she realised she had knits. So it's probably a two and a half hour thing, isn't it? A full family. All four of you have got to put the stuff in. All four of you have got to... Rinse it, then wash it. Brush it, rinse it, or whatever it is. yeah anyway we'll go to bed at 10 after the knit treatment my daughter says i thought you're gonna have an hour on your own i'm like do you know what i can't do it i've just i'm just so i've gone another day this is my first experience of being alone of being alone yeah in 10 days yeah and how do you feel about do you feel well rested after a nice family holiday yes no i do feel like i'm so lucky that i don't have a proper job during the summer holidays i honestly i was gonna say me and louis saying this like people like you have to be in a specific place for a specific time we're so lucky that we can work from home and pick and choose our hours to a point it's like it must be impossible because pick and choose our hours i reckon i'm working and you know other times i think it's you know fair to say that you know we miss things because of our job but I'm working three to five hours a week at the moment yeah you know I mean it's like I'm not working I'm basically unemployed yeah pretty much yeah and then obviously you're you're it all levels out pro rata because you're yeah your autumn will get lively my autumn's gonna be lively as hell but it's so lucky that I can do that my autumn's so quiet it's like I've been cancelled but there is part of me that's like oh man i'd love a just something that it reminds me of when you had young kids and you'd go i just need to do something that's kind of mentally taxing do you know what i mean something that's like try out some new material something that feels like i'm not just looking at lego sets on my phone with my son do you know what i mean i find it when because i've been off a lot with them the constant questions yeah that oh when we do this and you've got a big thinking right because they need to eat this do this what truth to them to bear yeah and it's fun going away with other people or hanging out with other people but i don't know if you find that it's great because the kids love it and then also you've got adult company to chat about things and chill out but then it's i get to the point where it's like constantly agreeing it was almost like an eight if it's with like another family of four of what are we doing now?

32:48And it's much more difficult to keep all eight happy than just your four. But then after a few days, they get bored of just each other and their mum and dad. So they want other people. Yeah, totally.

33:00Josh Widdicombe:Are they in camps this week or like? My daughter's doing an art club this week and my son's at home. So tomorrow I'm going to do a load of stuff with him. And then, oh, this is wholesome, Rob. This is incredibly wholesome. Wednesday we're going to the beach to watch the solar eclipse in the evening. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, that's the kind of thing you do. Can I be honest? Yeah. Boring. I didn't want to piss on your chips. Boring.

33:35No, thanks. Boring.

33:41I suppose, to be fair, your older daughter would enjoy it, wouldn't she?

33:44Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, well, I think my son, you know, he's a huge fan of eclipses. Is he? Is he actually? No, no, he's not. You'll be looking at the solar eclipse, and he'll be facing the other way watching a DHL van go past. Well, yeah. No, now he's into Lego. He's fucking Lego obsessed. Oh, really? So we need to get what we need is a catalogue of all the Lego. Rather than online. Online, all the different sets. I used to love getting a brochure or a catalogue at Argos. They might still do the Argos catalogue, and they have some Lego sets, but it's not a full. I don't know if they do still do the Argos catalogue.

34:22I remember Playmobil used to have released one. Yeah, but he's not into Playmobil. No, but it's something to look at. But Lego might do it. He needs a Lego city. Lego paper brochure. I'd have got an idea, Josh. Yeah. Why don't you try and find old ones on eBay?

34:38Josh Widdicombe:Because, yeah, I don't know. Yeah. Or does he need to buy it? um did he need it be available to buy i think he wants to choose what his next lego is and he's constantly yeah oh hold up hold up if you go on the lego website yeah i couldn't it says the word brochure if you search it you can't actually i don't know how to order it i've got it josh how do you how do you find yourself problems i managed to solve in seven seconds this happens a lot i'm actually looking at the whole brochure now on a screen yeah how do you order if you So basically, if you go to Lego, you click on it, and it comes out of all the different ones they've got.

35:17And I know it's on a screen, but it's not like a website. So you can print it off.

35:22Josh Widdicombe:You can get it printed if you want it. Right. So that's not the answer that you thought it was initially 10 seconds ago. Let's be honest. Yeah, sure. I don't think you can physically order it. Okay, you're right. I've seen that. Oh, it's the Josh Wins episode, is it? I think everyone loses. to be fair you are right so I could at home print off the PDF of the Lego catalog I suppose yeah but or if you put them on a desktop rather than your phone you can banter aside you can like you can scroll down and it's got loads and it's on a big screen yeah yeah yeah I'll do that do you want me to send you the link oh no I've been on that I've been trying to order from that page fucking ages it's a massive brochure I'm sure yeah I miss I love it I could sit and look at this all day yeah because they put these they like put them in little scenarios don't they like playing yeah it's good I love it I'm building ET at the moment

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38:02Josh, I know you love this kind of chat. I need a new car. Oh, yeah. So I've got a BMW X long one, I think seven, basically. Yeah. Oh, this is a one. Yeah, six times bigger than Yig. It's so big. No, it is big. It's like a six, seven-seater one. But I had it on lease for my tour. Oh, for your dogs. No, for my tour. Oh, for your tour. So I wanted a big, comfy one that could get stuff in the back. Anyway, the tour's done, lease is done. So I need a new family car. Yeah. I'm thinking about getting. By the way, this won't mean anything to me. A multi-van. I know I mentioned this before, but a people carrier.

38:46Okay. Like a Renault Espace. Yes. Full Galaxy. Yeah. VW multi-van. Right. Okay. And how do you feel about that? No more kids, but it's fun to take other kids out so we can get them all in. Little fun bus. A bit weird, but yeah. And you can get the golf clubs in the back, bikes in the back. Oh, here we go.

39:05Josh Widdicombe:golf clubs i'm just thinking you're going biking rob because i'll be honest go on i don't own a bike you don't own a bike i know i know your views on cycling yeah no i can't bear it i'll go around the park with the kids but i'm not going on a road like some sort of serial killer yeah yeah just but you get the four mountain bikes in the back and then you lou the two girls can just hit the sussex downs of a sunday yeah just sort of crank it up through the woodland areas on official all biking lanes. No, but I'm thinking about getting one of them to pile everyone in. I'm going to say it now. Wouldn't it be helpful for you to have that amount of times you're going down to Cornwall and stuff like that?

39:44No. Okay. Our stuff fits in our car.

39:49Josh Widdicombe:Does it? Yeah. X1's fairly small though, isn't it? Is it all right? Well, I don't know because I haven't. It seems fine to me. I mean, I don't know. You all have that. You're going to be like Boris Johnson. You know Boris Johnson drives that big old Renault Espace full Galaxy thing? Have you seen his car? No, I don't. I've not seen Boris Johnson's car. This is going to be you because what's going to happen is you're going to be on Strictly for the next 10 years and everyone's like, oh, big showbiz guy. And then they'll see you on the motorway, on the M5, going down to where it is you're going in your big old 25-year-old BMW X1 because you hate cars so much.

40:21We are considering our car so dirty.

40:25Josh Widdicombe:Oh, there's his car. Yeah, the Toyota Previa. Yes, that's a classic dad. He has got about nine kids, hasn't he? Yeah. I think we're going to go electric. We're going electric. Why do you want to go electric? Because we feel we should. Quite like the idea of going electric. I think you might get range anxiety, Josh. I don't think I ever drive very far. Well, now you've moved closer to Cornwall, you don't. No, exactly, yeah. How fast, how many miles is Cornwall from Exeter? 89, I think. Okay. Yeah, so if you've got one with like a range of like 200, 300 miles. Yeah, it's fine. But yeah, if you're only going to do that, you don't really like drive around the country at all, do you really?

41:19You wouldn't go out for the day.

41:19Josh Widdicombe:When am I going to drive around the country? Well, go to things and places. Like what? Well, your son might want to go watch Plymouth play away when he's older or something. You drive there. So your brain just switches to train is easier than drive. No, but when I'm buying my car, I don't think a factor is a future away fixture in seven years. I find stressing about finding someone to charge it. But if you're not going to go on big rides, you're fine. We're going to get a plug at home.

42:03yeah that'll help but it's more that when you're not at home right i see yeah that's the issue a plug at home is absolutely yeah that's like i mean the thought that you weren't going to plug it in at home is wild to me that you'd drive out to a plug um but um yeah it's just sometimes it's

42:20Josh Widdicombe:hard to find places to charge i don't know what i'm talking about rob i'm trying to have a conversation i might as well be back on gardening this is the topics this podcast have gone against me can we talk about football i'm gonna get a plug but what i've heard is sometimes if you're out and about you need to charge it all the different charging places have got different you need about five different apps it's the right ball lake and then if you can't charge it if you're driving back you know i mean so if you for example say you drove to like bristol i might do a warm 150 charger in your car right and you're busy you you live a no buffer lifestyle than me and you're driving from cornwall to exit all right which is 100 miles you get there it's got 50 miles on it and then you've got to drive to bristol but you haven't got time to plug it in and charge it you've then got to go right i'm going to drive to bristol but when i get to bristol i'm going to find a parking space with a plug so that i can charge it during my gig then drive back so i think hybrid in the gig i'm getting i'm going to suggest hybrid for you because then morally you feel okay but then you've got the safety.

43:25Josh Widdicombe:In case one day I'm driving from Cornwall to Bristol via Exeter. Josh, if you get an electric car, I know how you work, I 100 % guarantee you'll run out of charge somewhere and be furious or you'll ring me in a massive stress go like, oh, it's ridiculous, I've got to Bristol, I forgot to charge or the kids turn the thing off. Anyway, hey, you do you. I look forward to you getting your family people carrier I'm going to say it you've never used the phrase on here I'm thinking of without that happening yeah absolutely I put some thought into it it's the World Cup final all over again you've never gone I'm thinking of it I'm weighing up the options and I've decided it's a bad idea I just honestly I get excited by an idea and i'm sewing so and i i can't i can't just go i'm quite enjoying golf as my new hobby i need to go to the masters and set up a golf youtube channel yeah it's meant i have i've got to learn restraint or can i ask you for some advice on that on what golf no good decision i I have a similar all in situation.

44:45Josh Widdicombe:Right. So what have you got obsessed with? You know, I've, I've got obsessed with photography. Yeah. Yeah. I know. Well, I've heard you mention it as your new hobby, but yeah, I'd say it's something that's creeping up. When we were in Paris, I went, I went photographing twice rather than hanging out with other people. Yeah. Which is absolutely fine. No problem with that. Fine. Yeah. Yeah. Um, is it called photographing? Shooting. I didn't want to say shooting. I went, yeah. Cause I thought you take the piss. No, I don't know what the word is. I went for a shoot around town in Paris. Gay Paris, just me and my lens.

45:20Josh Widdicombe:I'm really into – I was thinking of starting up a different Instagram thing with my photography on it. Yeah, I think it's a good idea. Okay, good. Yeah, I think that's fine. Yeah. And then you could put it up there, and then you'd probably do a book. No, I don't. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Then you do a little book, then you go to a bookstore. No, I don't want to do it. No. What is it about our lives? Hello, I'm Josh Winnicott. Welcome to Shot of Your Lives, a new 12-part show. We have budding photographers. We give them a camera, and they go out and get the shot. Do you know what? Production companies get in touch.

46:04I'd love to be a guest of your show, Josh, but I'm running my new reality show where I'm running a dilapidated golf course, actually even though i got bored of golf two years ago is wrong with us well that's how our brains

46:15Josh Widdicombe:are wired and it's been can't do anything without trying to turn it into a even fucking and having kids we've managed to monetize it's mental literally having the shits at 4am is now content that's nothing in my life is not monetized or at least done to profile it's pathetic telling everyone everything why am I sharing everything it's fucking rubbish but I think we would be doing it anyway so we might as well do it and there'd be some sort of benefit oh man a life it's like an illness

46:58Josh Widdicombe:it is it's pathetic it's absolutely pathetic you see all these actors that just go around and no one even knows anything about them and i'm just like i'm just arse out talking about shit leaving it on a podcast yeah look at my photos of paris love me aren't i talented at other things as well aren't i great like it follow subscribe oh god and like we were born in the perfect point when we could just do this ourselves because otherwise if we were born 10 years earlier you'd be going to ITV and going, oh, could I pitch a show where I play golf? And they'd be going, oh, I'm not sure. But now you can just do it.

47:44Josh Widdicombe:Stephen Mulhern's doing frisbee, actually. So we've got that covered. Yeah, exactly. Could you do it with, you know, yeah. Could, do you think you and Maya Jarman could be doing, you know, four balls or whatever. But like, small business. Anyway, it's good to catch up about our kids. Here we go. Hi, Rob and Josh, A small piece of shout-out, but a niche one. We make a cleaner that gets rid of... As if the other ones haven't been niche. This one is the nichest of all time. Okay. Right. Okay, try and guess what this cleaner does. Sings. Sings? No, I'm just... You're being whimsical. No, I'm not. I was thinking of a niche thing where they like...

48:26What a clean... They've made a cleaning product. What does it do? Oh, right.

48:30Josh Widdicombe:Sorry, I thought they cleaned and did something else around your house at the same time. No, no, no, no, no, no. They've invented a product that cleans. Guess what it cleans.

48:40Josh Widdicombe:Computer. I'm just saying what's in front of me.

48:46I think it cleans books. Garden show hosts. Books. No. We make a cleaner that gets rid of dog wee smell on artificial grass. That is good, actually. That is good. And properly, not just for 20 minutes. Genuinely more urgent right now, too. This hot weather makes it about 10 times worse. We are Turf Tales. If you've got fake grass and a dog or kid to insist on rolling around on it right after the dog's been out, you'll know the smell regular cleaners just mask. Ours uses naturally derived bioenzymes rather than harsh chemicals and eradicates it at source by breaking down the uric crystals. Completely safe for little feet and paws.

49:26We're a new family-run business. I actually started it on mat leave, so I'd absolutely love a shout-out. And if any listeners want to try it themselves, 15 % off with the code PARENTINHELL15 on our website, Turftails, T-U-R-F-T-A-I-L-S.co.uk. Cheers, Caroline from SIGCUP.

49:45Josh Widdicombe:It's near me, SIGCUP. It is. Hey, guys. I'm a day one listener from when I was stuck in the UK, childless during COVID. Don't sound like, you know, we put a gun to you and made you listen, Katie, but fair enough. To be fair, there weren't as many podcasts back then. Yeah, since then I'm living in Germany with a beautiful nine-month-old and another on the way, which may come as a surprise. I was going to say, a beautiful nine-month-old and a dog rough two-year-old. This is good though, Rob. Wait for this. Go on. Which may come as a surprise to my British family who are listening. Surprise! Oh, she's announced a pregnancy.

50:22Josh Widdicombe:Yeah. And on top of this, I wanted to give my sister-in-law a small business shout out. well she's announced the pregnancy judging by the speed we get through these that's a three year old now I want to give my sister-in-law a small business shout out Aisha's company Earthly Bites creates delicious chocolate that has only real ingredients no refined sugar and is vegan all her chocolate is beautifully handmade in Somerset I could drive there even with my electric car and is a real hit with everyone who tries it, vegan or otherwise she's really passionate about making chocolate that's actually real food and not just full of chemicals.

50:58Josh Widdicombe:You can check her out on Instagram under earthlybitesuk. She has a website, earthlybites.co.uk, as well as an Etsy shop. Wien lieben dank, Katie. Thank you. Good work, Katie. In Germany, I love Germany. Is it your favourite country to go to? No. Fair enough. I tell you what, though, Josh, talking about driving, driving through France on the toll roads, so easy. So easy. I think you should go on a little European adventure. Well, on that, Rob, maybe we'll cover this in the next episode. I've started doing Duolingo. Okay. Let's talk about that in the next episode. And I was thinking maybe I could turn it into a TV show.

51:46Called What's That with Josh Winnicott, where he gets crazy words from the continent and tells you what they are in English.

51:51Josh Widdicombe:No, I'll tell you about it in the next episode. I've not started it seriously, but I did it to my phone. What's the sort of a tamer version of a cliffhanger? Ledge looker? Just someone about 10 yards from the edge of a cliff. Someone just looks over the ledge, quite high up. Yeah. A balcony peak. Yeah. But, yeah, I'll see you. Which language? On for meal French. All right. See you later, mate. Bye. Bye.

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