THE SECRET HOUSE MOVE TAPES: PART 1

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0:34In the summer of 2025, Josh Widdicombe, despite countless protests over the years that he would not be moving out of London, finally accepted the inevitable and began the search for a new family home beyond the M25.

0:57For the safety and security of some of those involved many of the names, dates and locations contained within have been changed What we present to you here are the secret house move tapes

1:20Case file 07041997. Interview 1. Date 19th of June 2025. So welcome to the first in what we're calling the secret tapes. We are recording these sort of ad hoc as we go, because you can't really talk about it on the podcast immediately. What's up? Why are we doing secret tapes, Josh? What's happening in the life of the Whittacombe?

1:44Josh Widdicombe:Because we're looking to move or potentially move. Yeah. And I don't know what's going to happen. You're moving out of Hackney to somewhere out of London. As things stand, we are putting a bid on a house in Exeter. Big move. Big move. Big boy move. And I'd say, I speak to you every week and I knew that I didn't have the inkling that you were that against London. You quite liked it. In the last month. Yeah. like this place hackney like this is the best bit of east london but it is for people that are younger than us it's amazing if you're like in your 20s yeah working in london or even having babies yeah when you've got grown-up toddler children children yeah that you've got to look at the next 10 years it's not suited so we looked at this house in exeter and right move for about a month you know when you're just turning things over and over and over yeah and then rose was like why don't we just go down there look at the house look at the school that's on the road yeah because currently we're just having these internal hypothetical conversations you might hate it hopefully we hate it yeah hopefully we hate it and we realize god thank god we live in london go down see the house we really like it oh oh dear and then we go to the school and we really like that oh dear oh dear and you go to it to the city center and you really like that let's not push the boat too far and that's okay that's fine and that's absolutely it's got an apple store if i lose my headphones do you know what though that's quite you know you do need a few of those kind of shop yeah yeah exactly so then we get the train back we're like we should do this and i haven't thought i can't imagine how bad it is if you have to move your kids for your own career yeah here we think we're making the right decision for them some people just have to move you know military people or whatever all the time yeah of course suddenly the whole thing i feel so guilty because you don't have to move you can afford to have you're in and you can stay there if you want to it's more of a you think it'd be a better decision for the family we think it would be much better for them because they'd have much more space you get like basically two times what you'd get here yeah of course and also more importantly you don't have to be in london to work i don't have to be in london you're traveling around the country so gigs you can get the training i need to be in london one or two days a week yeah it's just you start to worry about like everything around your kids like i love my daughter's teacher yeah he's so great and then we went to like the parents evening last night having had this discussion about going yeah honestly i don't know how people cheat on their partners because because you're sort of like in your head you're going well we're probably going to leave soon and you're talking to us about our daughter and you feel like you're lying you feel awful because you love these people do you know mean you you feel a connection you feel like they've i know it's all like people leave schools all the time particularly in london yeah of course but you're so worried about your child starting a school and once they're in and settled you're so relieved and they've got friendship groups and they're progressing with their education and socially then you're basically well i'm just gonna rip all that out and hope it sticks again what am i doing yeah what the fuck am i doing this is mental and also we were like oh maybe we'll do this in a couple of years and now we're fucking doing it and now it's fucking june the 19th yeah and we're applying for the september intake of this fucking school in exeter yeah and going if this bid's accepted we probably won't move it all through in time so we'll have to rent it because we want her to start in September because luckily for us, this school has like the young people and then year three is the middle school.

5:44Josh Widdicombe:Yeah. So she'd literally start September on the first year of the middle school. So it would feel less like she was joining a new school. And not the only one. Yeah. Not the only one. And you're like, oh, maybe this is. And then you're like, am I fucking insane? We've just had the house done. I tell you what, Rob, the words adds value have been used by me and Rose a lot in the last. We've probably added value, haven't we? We've probably added value. We've added value. The reason I've been sleeping on my daughter's floor is we've added value. The reason I've had a terrible year is we've added value to someone else's buy.

6:13Josh Widdicombe:But do you know what? Actually, we did say part of it is going, we've done up the house and we've gone, we're still not comfortable in London. Yeah. No matter how nice a house is what's done up, what it feels like I'm getting from you is the actual environment that the kids are going to be growing up and the stuff they can have access to is not really suited to that age of child. And then when they get to 14, 15 and they start getting the bus and hanging out in Hackney, it's quite an intense place to live and operate well exactly so mike wasniac who we've had on this show he lives in exeter and we went around for a cup of tea he's got a 14 year old daughter and it was like 5 p.m and i was like oh where is she he's like i don't know she'll be hanging out with her friends before she comes home and you're like he's so casual about that because it's exeter yeah and i think of my friend who's got like a tracker on her kid and going he's in london bridge I don't know why he's in London Bridge.

7:06Josh Widdicombe:What's going on? Obviously, I'm not just slagging off, but this is how I feel currently. I'm not slagging. I've lived in London 20 years this September, and it's been amazing. But I do feel like I'm done. Also, as well, there's lots of people that have to live in London because that's where the work is. So you would like to move out and stuff, but you do have an option to move out and stuff. And they say moving is one of the most stressful things you can do. And it is massively stressful. And in the short term, it might be difficult. but you know you're doing the the emotion i'm feeling i know it's displaced emotion from the fear of it's all about your kids and it's all about their world but also i feel so guilty towards like i know this sounds mad i feel sad about telling the school i feel sad about telling her teachers the other day i was like yeah what about our cleaner how's our cleaner gonna deal with this like we're the fucking center of everyone's fucking worlds and if they care Yeah, she'll probably just get a new job and go, all right.

8:05Josh Widdicombe:Yeah, she'll be fine. There's other jobs in London.

8:12And as much as, you know, you want to support people that help you and your family, you can't really keep your entire family in Hackney because of a part-time cleaner may have to look for new work. You know, you've got to prioritise your own family. A teacher that, for all I know... Could be fucking off to another school anyway. Exactly.

8:27Josh Widdicombe:And do you know what it makes me think about? It made me think a lot about, like, footballers and football managers. Yeah. and how hard that must be just go right we're gone now Plymouth Argyle fans are like we've just appointed Tom Cleverley right as our manager okay yeah look I don't need to tell you guys that I'm sure and none of us are thinking what the fuck's this got to do with you moving house but yeah and people straight on the fucking forums he better move his wife and kids down here to show he's committed to the club you're like what the fuck is your problem yeah why do you care about two kids you've never met where they go to school yeah maybe his kids are really settled and so his wife is and he's in the most fragile job in any sport and maybe it would be fucking insane for someone to move their kids around when the average manager job is a year or whatever it is also as well if you're the plymouth manager there's two options you're shit and you get sacked so you go back home or you're good and then you go and get a proper job okay you said it Rob not me but that's the truth no one wants to be the Plymouth manager long term you do that to go hopefully if I do well I can go to championship and then premier league and that's the way every football team works exactly that's not having a guy up to even players at Arsenal want to play for Real Madrid Trent Alexander-Arnold for example at Liverpool Boya Club still wants to go elsewhere it happens yeah Quick question.

9:50When does your son start school? September. This September? Yeah. So like you say, it feels like a rush, but I do think with the age of your kids, it would be nice for them to sort of do that. Or could you delay it a year?

10:03Josh Widdicombe:Well, what we've done, right, so we're going to bid on this house. Do the kids know anything at this point? Yeah, my daughter, because we want to keep her informed. Yeah, I think that's important. And we want her to feel, even though this is unfair to say, you're not putting the decision on a seven-year-old, but you want her to feel that she's part of this discussion yeah because she might go oh yeah yeah it'd be great to start in september or she might go oh actually there's this stuff can well she's like excited by the house we've shown her a picture of the house we've shown her like i mean this sounds mental we've shown her the like the school yeah the website of the school she just said i hope people like me and you're just like oh my god why don't i just stab myself in the fucking heart.

10:48Every single option is a negative. So you go, all right, yeah, we'll do that down this September then. And that way he starts his first call then and she can settle in.

10:56Josh Widdicombe:So what we've said to ourselves is we'll bid on this house. If we get it, then great. That's the plan. If we don't get it, that's fine because this was always a longer term plan. Yes. So let's see this as a no lose. We're not going, if we miss out on this, our life's over. Because a month ago, we were just looking at the right move, going, oh, I wonder whether that would be a good idea. So just see where the waves take you. That's not the phrase. And hopefully not into choppy waters. But I'm so emotionally fraught about it. It's not the stress of the move. Well, maybe it is. There's two separate things here.

11:39One's the stress of the move. where even if you moved two doors down in Hackney, you'd be stressed. Wi-Fi, plumbing, electrics, blah, blah, blah, all that kind of stuff. The other one is the guilt you're feeling for uprooting your children and family, right? Yeah. That's what you're feeling. And all you care about them is them. And that's your priority. However, for your quality of life, for you, exit is a much better decision, I think. For your children, I think it's a much better decision. And you're closer to Cornwall. You're a bit further out. You don't need to be in London. You've outgrown that area.

12:07I think it's all an amazing decision. but what it will be is when you do it there will be things that you reflect on and go maybe i didn't do that right or maybe i should have done but and you might go actually it was really good we did this or it's really bad we do that you've just got to just try your best and hope for the best

12:20Josh Widdicombe:and not beat yourself up and we were trying to put it off and go oh maybe we'll do it in a year or two but you're going no what are we doing that for because also as well you're just lingering it over the kid's head because really for your daughter it's a scare of the unknown the best thing for her might be right east summer holidays over go down and have a brilliant summer in london brilliant summer in Exeter and then get down there in August and then she starts in September and she at least she's starting school where it's still quite warm and bright and fun and not deepest you could go well let's put it off till January and then she's starting school in January and the house is all old and spooky and dark do you know what I mean yeah this is the other thing with it is I think one of the things I feel is if we'd known in March and we were like this is your final term yes but currently she's got four weeks left and then she could just be like right you're never gonna go back there i'll see them i'll say goodbye to them now yeah so it's like it's hard you've suddenly gone into this fucking hell and we've told people they're like that's come from nowhere yeah it has but it's been lingering in our heads and then the odds are still against it happening but i thought it was good to log september does feel soon you're telling me got rid of school and children and it was just you and rose going down there even for you guys september's like fucking hell it's only a few weeks and we're going to be going on holiday and nothing gets done over the summer holidays josh no we're all leading to the bit from about mid-july and august everything slows down people are away and everyone goes oh they're back next week and then by the time that person's back from holiday another person's gone on holiday and the person that you're trying to get to complete can't sign it off it may be in a way it's like if your son knows that you're going to start in london in september but then we're going to be moving down to exit to the next spring and that's just what he thinks is happening yeah you know i mean and then he you know i don't know what we're gonna but basically i'll fill you in next week on where we get in a way if the bid just gets rejected i think a weight will lift off our shoulders but i think you've made a decision now yeah i just think full steam ahead going with it because i think it is the right decision it is just an absolute nightmare of logistics but you will be moved in there and the kids will be fine at school.

14:31You will be 10 times happier. Rose will be 10 times happier and you'll sit there in about, say a year's time or even 80 months and go, I'm so glad we did this. Yeah, totally. It'll be hard and most importantly for me, fucking great podcast content. But it will be difficult. But like anything that's ever been good in both of our lives has been hard graft. Yeah. But it was worth it. Yeah. To the end. Do you know what I mean? I'll fill you in on more next week. Quite excited, quite sexy having secret tapes.

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16:05Case file 07041997. Interview 2. Date, 4th of July, 2025. I feel really naughty doing this, Josh. This is our second instalment of The Secret Tapes. You're the one who's insisted we did it wanking, so... Well, yeah. I just thought if you're going to be the secret naughty, be secret naughty. Now, this is the second instalment. We are basically, you are moving home. Maybe. Okay, well, that's fine. I thought it was nailed on. You're moving out of London to some of out of London. And the last time you chatted, you were thinking, should we do it or not? What's the current update? Are you current? Where are you currently living?

16:45Okay, I'm currently in London.

16:46Josh Widdicombe:Have you sold your house? It's June the 4th. July the 4th. July the 4th. Oh, God, we need to get a fucking move on. so what's the situation now we've had a bid accepted for a new house out of london are you saying where it is a house in exeter yeah i'm happy to say where it is because if it doesn't come off i mean what's weird is recording something where you don't know what your life situation will be when it's played out that's why it's naughty you know when those people go like i had a potentially terminal illness and i recorded a video diary and i always think I think that's really weird recording a diary.

17:25Josh Widdicombe:I think it's wild as well to use that as an example. I know, but you know what I mean? I know, I don't, I'm not, I'm not saying - I know moving out to stressful, but I would say probably not as stressful as that. But what I mean is I always think I don't want to document something where I don't know how it's going to come out and where I'm going to be. Well, that's why it's naughty. It's so naughty, it's naughty. And I suppose I can say this because it's not going to fuck it up because it might've already fucked up in the future. You should not just unfold those arms and be free, baby. Take your top off.

17:54The house, the bid has been accepted.

17:57Josh Widdicombe:Congratulations. Have I told you who used to live there? No. Noel Edmonds. Come on. Really? Like three people back. He didn't move from there to New Zealand. Just to be clear, Rob, it isn't in Crinkly Bottom and it isn't the house you used to see on Saturday nights in the TV. So do you adopt Mr. Blobby when you move in? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All of the wallpaper is pink and yellow, strangely. Before we move on, you and Noel Edmonds have the same taste? No. Well, yeah. Well, yeah, I suppose so. With houses? With houses, yeah. So you've had a bid accepted in a house that Noel Edmonds has had sex in?

18:36Josh Widdicombe:I can't confirm whether he has. Of course he has. Yeah, in every room probably. And he's wanked in there. He almost...

18:51Josh Widdicombe:holding a crystal to make it twice as good.

18:57Oh, sorry. No, I don't want to ruin your new house. That was years ago anyway. So the chakra's gone.

19:02Josh Widdicombe:He's chakrad everywhere. The chakra's gone. He cleaned up the chakra. If you want to read about the legal dispute he had with the builder that did work on the house, do Google it. Oh, can you? Yeah. Sorry. So you've had a bid accepted. Yeah. The guy has said, I'll take it off the market. But obviously our situation is our house isn't on the market yet. He was like, so it's good of him to accept. Most people wouldn't accept the bid. He has said, I will take it off the market until mid-August, but you need movement on your house by mid-August. Right. Otherwise it's going back on the market. So basically you've got to get your house sold, or at least in the process of being sold by mid-August.

19:40By mid-August. In six weeks' time, it stays bid accepted off the market. Yes. Right. And that is your house on the market yet.

19:46Josh Widdicombe:We're having the photos done on Monday, and it's going on the market on Wednesday. Right, okay, got you. Today is Friday. It's quite a stressful period. Right, okay. The thing is, though, your house is stunning and ready to take it. That's, I'm confident. And actually, the fact it's been done up, actually, I don't think we'd have sold it as quickly. Because now people can just move in straight away. Yeah, it's turnkey, as they call it. It's turnkey. Turnkey, you're in. Turnkey, you're in. It's so new, this kitchen. It's still not finished. That is Adrian. He will be here when you move in. Don't worry about him.

20:16He'll get stuff done.

20:16Josh Widdicombe:Bit of trivia, Rob. Adrian's coming tomorrow to do some last touch-ups. Of course he is. Added trivia. We haven't told Adrian that we're moving because we think he'd take it badly considering how hard he worked on the house. When he was working on the house, he did say the phrase, you better live here forever. And that was what, a week ago? That was six months ago. It was a strange thing to do, but you never know where you're going to be in six months. And this is the right thing to do for the kids and for us. Yes. So we then had to start telling people. Because obviously the kids need to go to school.

20:48Josh Widdicombe:Did I tell you we went to look at a school? I don't know if you told us that last time. So we went to look at a school. We really liked it. Is it near the house? Rob, it is at the end of the street. But you love the school run so much. Can I tell you about my school run this morning? Because normally there's three routes into Hackney from Victoria Park. There's Grove Road. There's Victoria Park Road. Yeah. And there's the one past the Hackney Empire that's name I don't know. Yeah. they've closed grove road and the one past the hackney empire for roadworks at the same time good idea yeah so this morning my journey of 1.6 miles yeah came up on my sat nav as 41 minutes

21:32Josh Widdicombe:and not a leisurely 41 minutes a 41 minutes where you are in merging traffic with everyone slowly trying to edge that can easily be 55 yeah so two hours there and back yep so there we go The new one will be close, yeah. So that's a walk. How's Rose's driving lessons going? She had one yesterday, yeah. But she's got a test in October in London, so I don't know what the score is there if we move.

21:59Josh Widdicombe:She'll have to put that back, wait another year. Well, I suppose it's easier to get a test in Exeter. And I'd say if you gave me the options, I'd take my test in Exeter. Although, the way it's going in London, you won't be going very far during your test. it'd be absolutely glorious you just just trying to get to the school and back yeah okay cool so next thing is the emotions of the situation are wild have you told the kids and have you told the school told the kids they're excited they went for their open day at the school oh they've been down for that and they're excited this is good they loved it this is really good so they're really up for it amazing my daughter described herself as excited but sad i think that's a brilliant place to be that's a perfect way to be because you don't want to pretend that there's not an element there's always a positive negative to every situation i however for about a week was sad i messaged you and you seemed in quite a bad way but then i went to the indonesian jungle and lost phone signal yeah sorry i forgot that you joined the sas i sad and sober like you god i could do with a drink i go on have one i'm joking I had to tell.

23:07Josh Widdicombe:I love my kids' school. Yep. That really is the only thing I'm properly sad about. I mean, I couldn't give a shit about telling the school. But I think it's because the kids are really happy there. Right. They've done a lot for the kids. I get on really well with the teachers. I think one of the things is London, A, I've got to the point where I'm finding it annoying. Yeah. But B, I've got to the point where obviously I know I'll come back. It's not like I go, oh, I'll never see it. But you're literally going, that's that chapter of my life done. Yes. So I think that's more for you as an individual going like, oh, this is official.

23:42I'm telling other adults.