THE SECRET HOUSE MOVE TAPES: PART 2

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2:05In the summer of 2025, Josh Whittacombe, despite countless protests over the years that he would not be moving out of London, finally accepted the inevitable and began the search for a new family home beyond the M25.

2:27For the safety and security of some of those involved, many of the names, dates and locations contained within have been changed. What we present to you here are the secret house move tapes.

2:50Case File 07041997 Interview 4 Date 19th August 2025 Here we go, Rob. Decro files. Josh Widdicombe, how has your house moved? Last time you had an offer on your house, was it? No, we've gone beyond that, Rob. We're a week from moving. Actually, this has gone so quick. I know, but the first fly has appeared in the ointment in the last two weeks. Oh, no. There's been two ointment flies. Oh, not the ointment flies. The first was when I was on holiday, and we couldn't get a building certificate for our extension. Right, so that hasn't been signed off. Yeah. The kitchen you did before Christmas. Yeah.

3:34Yeah. I had to go to the garden. Added value, though. Added value. Sold the house very quickly due to it. It was completely done. It's completely done. It makes no logical sense for someone to leave the house looking this good. No, tell me about it.

3:50You'll come to fly ointment number two coming up. Right, come on, go on. Oh, man, this guy just wouldn't sign off our building certificate or return my calls or anything. Okay. And I had to escalate it to his manager, Rob. And was this when he was on holiday? This was all going on on holiday. You only had five nights away. I know. One of them was spent... Well, I've been trying to do this for like two weeks. getting the evidence, sending it to him, getting totally nothing back. Oh, mate. Speak to the manager. He says, sorry, is that thee, Josh Widdickham? Here we fucking go. Have you got sway?

4:22Has your name got sway? Half an hour it took him. Knocked it out. No, really? Yeah, he was like, send me the evidence. I sent him the evidence. He was like, yeah, it's all fine. There you go. So was the other guy doing it because he had a bit of a problem with you or just overworked? No, I don't know. I don't know. You don't know. But also they're thinking, we don't want Josh Widdickham sacking us off on last leg of the podcast. No, I don't think they were thinking that, Rob. I think they were thinking, just do this, because then this guy will stop fucking us off. Well, obviously, if the work's been done and you've got the evidence, it's all done, it's just a signature, isn't it?

4:50Oh, God. So well done, though. That must have felt good when that come through. That felt good. That felt good. How long did that feeling last? Because when I... Oh, removals have been tough, Rob. Removals. It's so expensive to move to Exeter from London. Well, it's a long way, isn't it? Yeah, so you've got an overnight everyone. You've got to pay for the removal of people's hotels, haven't you? Yeah, of course. So they're going to pack it up in the morning, drive... No, they're not going to pack it up in the morning, Rob. Do you think you could pack your stuff up in the morning? How many people do you think you'd need to pack up your house in the morning?

5:28Not as many, though, because we've got to skip. Yeah, I know you've got to skip. I'll talk to you about skip another time. Yeah. Pack up Monday, Tuesday. Right. Travel Wednesday. Is this next week we're talking? No, week after. Right, okay. Pack up Monday, Tuesday, travel Wednesday. Yeah. Unpack our beds. Yeah. They stay over and then they do the full. They stay in your house? No. All right, sorry. But they unpack your beds. Yeah. So you can stay. Yeah. And they do the rest of the house? Thursday. So it's four days you've got these people. It's four days work, Rob. Plus a fucking lorry. Yeah. And a van.

6:04How much is it? the first quote we got yeah i couldn't fucking believe my ears because also as well i'd say you've got a lovely house in east london but i wouldn't say you've got low it's not like a giant mansion with loads and loads of furniture and it's a normal terraced house i can tell you how many cubic feet we've got of stuff because i've had four separate people estimate it as i've tried to get a cheaper price so how much does it cost because what i'd say i'd say you've got a medium to large house. Oh hold my hands up it's five bed. It's a five bed house so it's a large family house but the bedrooms aren't big.

6:41But they've got beds in. Okay. Although my son's bed is built in that's leaving so that's just a. But Adrian loved he built that. Yeah it wasn't Adrian but yeah and I'm gonna say. Yeah. We've been through four firms now. I've had to slowly knock it down and knock it down and then the last one knocked it back up so we've gone with a third firm. It's mental. You've gone for the cheapest quote. Yeah. Now you're worried though that they start coming and knocking walls. I'm going to obviously... If they turn up, look, Rose, hang on your bubble wrap. They've not brought bubble wrap. Also, one of the higher quotes was like, oh, I can't take a cooker.

7:18You're like, are you fucking kidding me? You can't take a cooker. He's like, I'll need a specialist to carry that cooker. A specialist to carry a cooker? Are you fucking kidding me? It is a fancy cooker though, isn't it? It's got handles.

7:32I'd say the fancier the cooker, the easier to move because it's just heavy. Exactly. You just put it in the corner of the van, don't you? Exactly. Jesus Christ. Okay. So that's sorted now. Yeah. The guy today who was too expensive. Yeah. He said, oh, we can't transport neon. Neon? The neon writing we've got on the wall. Yeah. Can't transport neon. Right. You just can't do it. You're like, well, three people have told me they can do it. And one of them's cheaper than you. Did you say that to him? No.

8:03They are very fragile neon signs, to be fair. I know. That's your job. We've got loads of fucking glass. It's like going out on stage going, look a bit drunk. I can't do it when they're drunk. Yeah, I can't do it. You're a removals firm. Anyway, you know they call it quite the most stressful experience of your life, moving house. Yeah. Me and Rose had a huge row today. Why? Huge. You said this is all your fault. I don't want to move. No, no, because I do want to move. We have very different attitudes to bumps in the road. Right, okay. What are your different attitudes to bumps in the road? And I'd say...

8:42Are you more neon and she's more quicker? Rose is you and I'm Lou. Right. Well, maybe not. Maybe Lou's not as weak as me, but certainly Rose is you. So what was the argument about? So there's some back and forth over what comes included in the house. with the people buying the house. Right, okay. That I won't go into because I don't think it's fair. Yeah. My attitude is I'm so desperate for everyone to like me. Just leave it and let them have it. I'm willing to bend over backwards and do myself out of money. Yeah. Just because I want to be liked, which is absurd. Yeah. Because I don't even know who these people are.

9:18Yeah. And Rose's attitude is the moment someone goes at her, for instance, complains about something like, I think that is nought to a hundred angry. it's a bit of a gray area when you move out of a house especially if you've got a nice feature things in it but what i think is as long as you tell them this doesn't come included that does then it's up to them to either agree or not or well that's where we are ask for less money or go we'd like to have that how much can we well no so we had to fill in this fixtures and fittings thing i actually think my balance on this is i think basically what we've got is a situation where both sides have presumed different things and then that is all it is the point of the fixtures and fittings list exactly so the fixtures and fittings list come out and they've gone we've named a price on quite a lot of stuff that we would happily take with us but if you want it we'll sell it to you yes which is what the fixture and fittings list is for and they've gone we'd like the bricks please of the building yeah we would quite like to keep the bricks we've gone sorry the location is so good that we're taking everything you've paid for the location to have a house there that is just who the fuck do you think you are queen elizabeth ii fuck it now there's a bit of back and forth but that's for the solicitor to deal with not you guys isn't it well we i the estate agent called me and said look they've oh and then they've gone right what do you want they've said they'll give you this and then you and rose i'd submitted the list via the solicitor then they got in touch with the estate agent we're having chats through the estate agent right and now they've asked you and rose to make a decision on what you want to do about a certain item and you two have gone at it with each other well no it's because we could never run a business together because i'm too weak and rose is too strong

11:06but we've gone a long way without having a mega argument considering a moving house yes under what is extreme pressure over the summer holidays with a new school looming yeah so will you be there in time for them to start school oh yeah rob oh yeah we get that uh 48 hours before school term starts can i make a suggestion yeah is it worth maybe while they're maybe staying in a hotel or an airbnb while you're down there whilst they're unpacking so that then you have a bit of fun at a nice hotel where there's breakfast and the kids can be sorted out and well that would be helpful but we've got a cat haven't we yeah what's happening with a cat so we've got to look into how we get the cat down there but basically you're putting a cat to put it in a little cage and drive it in a cage for five hours and drive it down not five hours four hours but you know do you need to be out of this house on the same day you need to be in that house yeah so the tradition is the way it works you move out a midday yes of course but there's no crossover to it's all happening one day it's all happening in one day yeah so could the cat not go to the neighbour for a few days and you collect it a week later.

12:16What, come back up to London to collect a cat? Well you're going to be coming back and forth quite a lot anyway, will I? No, because we can't just put a cat, our neighbour who we know has got two cats. Right, you can't just do that. So we've got to take the cat with us and then the truth is you've got to have the cat in the new house in one of the rooms. Yeah. And so we can't then just all fuck off to a hotel and leave the cat on our own in the new house, that's like mental. Also as well, it's very hard to introduce the cat into the house when there's loads of men and women yeah unpacking and loading like yeah because you're gonna have to put the cat in the carrier when they arrive to pack up the house really probably yeah yeah exactly so he doesn't get scared off and then no we can lock her in a room can't we yeah but then when you arrive at the new place we'll have to just say to them do that as the last room and we'll put her in the box as late as possible right okay fucking hell Could Rose go to a hotel and you just stay at the house?

13:10What, just me and the cat? Yeah. It'd be fun. When we moved into our house, we went to Centre Parks, and I did it with the removal of men and just unpacked on my own. And what did you do about your cat? Well, we couldn't sell our other house because there was loads of problems. This was when old... Liz Truss. Oh, Liz Truss. So loads of people dropped out because they exchanged the mortgage. We had a terrible... Anyway, we left him there for a week in our house, but it was empty apart from his bed and his food. so I wasn't as swift to move yeah and then so I was just going back and forth feeding him but I was driving past that house a lot because it was only around the corner yeah you guys can't can't nip up to East London to feed the cat but also you're gonna be out the house anyway exactly oh Jesus Christ okay so that's where we are but you're due to exchange next week we're due to complete on the third we're due to exchange imminently once the fixtures and fittings thing has this is the 19th so once the fixtures and fittings that's the only thing holding it up basically everything all right at the other house i don't know i don't know you know when you're like you know what i'll say though it's never easy but i'd say at the moment you've nailed it so far yeah totally totally have you got to get the school uniform the new school uniform oh we've done it the kids excited yeah they can't wait because they don't really understand that it's a stressful thing in the way that we do i suppose yeah they're really looking forward to it because the school's not in london the school's got like loads of green space and stuff yeah So it's like a completely different...

14:35The exact lifestyle that they need and you're supplying them. So the stress will be worth it. Exactly. But the problem is, Rob, after this, I've got to apply to Hackney Council to get all the parking bays closed outside our house. Oh, my God. You haven't moved it. But you do need to do that soon because... I know. What if they say no? No, they have to say yes, I think. The council. When have the council ever done anything that you wanted them to do? Yeah. ever i know they have to say yes good luck well that i don't think it's a we yes or no it i think it is if you do it they you've got to make sure you're doing it with enough notice well this is the thing the removal people rob yeah can do it but they'll charge you understandably the 20 % vat part of me's thinking i'll pay that 20 % vat to not have to do this and fuck it up myself they can organize it with a council yeah how much is that just do that 20 % of a few hundred quid Why is it only 20 %?

15:32Because they'll charge the VAT on top of the fee. Because you're going to be paying it anyway if you're doing it. If I do it, it's not a business thing, so I don't have to pay VAT. It's not VAT. Yeah, do that. Yeah, I know. What am I thinking? Because it's all on them then. Yeah. Oh, I imagine. But then you want to... It's too late. Right, go and run the council. All right. All right.

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16:55case file 07041997 interview five date 2nd of september 2025 josh i'm feeling a good energy from you about house move stuff i'd say it's a manic energy do you remember when we talked the other day about um for listeners so they're aware we were supposed to record at 1 p.m and it's been pushed back to 3 yeah because what are you doing today it's the day before the move and so you're packing up the house with mover people and you also scheduled a three-hour podcast record that you've already moved to two hours yeah yeah yeah and what was you doing last night well should i take you through from yeah because what i'm trying to say is obviously moving house and packing up the house is always stressful yeah it's very stressful i you have not used bubble wrap on yourself for this move.

17:46No, no. And you've left yourself very exposed. Yeah. To not only work in either side of the move, working during the move. During the move. Yeah. What you've got to bear in mind is I've had so much time off this summer that I can't. If I keep going, I can't work at the moment. Well, you are moving the first week of September. Yeah. Which is, you know, when all the work starts again. Yeah, yeah. And all the kids are back at school. Yeah. And you're moving to Exeter. Okay, let me take you through Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. That's perfect. Well, it's Tuesday, so I didn't know you could look into the future.

18:18Well, yeah, yeah. I'll tell you what's happening in the future. Okay, so Monday. Yeah. Wake up. Thank the Lord. Thank the Lord. Gratitude, great. One of your non-negotiables there, isn't it? Yeah. Waking up. Well, until one day, I will have lost the negotiation. Yeah. One of my non-negotiables. Yeah. Everything's negotiable, isn't it, really? It is, really. so anyway i was asleep i woke up okay so woke up really early because rose is gonna have a worse day than me so i got up at seven to make her a cup of tea right what's rose doing monday i'm doing a league of their own which is now filmed up in manchester which is now filmed up in manchester and you're in london trying to move to exeter before your nationwide tour yeah a-l-o-t-o-r-i-p Yeah, the last series.

19:08The last series. So I'm going to Manchester, but before that, we've got to get quite a lot of stuff done. So we've got an odd job man coming. Or woman. Well, we booked him. Yes, it was an odd job man. It was an odd job man. I'll take that back. So he turned up at 8.30, yeah, or nine. We had our removal people turning up. What's odd job man doing? What's odd job doing? He's taking down some like pendant lighting, stuff like that, ready for the move. He's like unscrewing mirrors. Yeah, the kind of stuff a real man, unless he's not me having a go at you, I would have to get odd job as well, but the kind of stuff a big boy would do.

19:44Yeah, exactly. And I'm a fellow little boy like you. Yeah. He was really good. Just a man, probably played rugby, big thick fingers, great at sex. Exactly, yeah, he was. Actually, he was small and smiley. I loved him. Really? Really nice, really nice. That gives me hope. Yeah, exactly. So he turned up. Then the movers are on their way as well. I've blocked out two spaces outside the front using my car and a neighbour's car that we're then going to move for the movers because they needed two spaces. Nice. Okay, good work. Well done. And then it transpires. They actually don't need them out the front of the house today, so we're going to save those spaces for another day so I can't use my car for a day.

20:19Okay. That's fine because you're not driving to and from Manchester, are you, alone? No. We have to show the old job man around. We then have to show the removal people around. They're going to start packing. Can I interject, Josh? When I spoke it to be foreign i can't remember if we did it on the podcast or not there was a little bit of issue where potentially things may not complete no so they are completing there was a problem with the parking at one point for today yeah but that wouldn't stop the move would it well i had to get in touch and say i can't suspend the parking outside of our house because get this go on i'd looked on hackney council's website about suspending parking yeah said seven days notice right yes i go on with seven days notice it won't accept it i reread seven working days notice oh my god i've got a problem with working days you can't put seven working days because that makes people think it's going to be a week when you see the word seven days yeah yeah but did it just say seven days or did it say seven working days it said seven working days yeah they can't be clearer than that josh well no but i just think the numbers confusing i agree but then the word working counteracts the confusion of the seven.

21:29So I managed to book off the Wednesday. I'm not paying the council as much as any sane thinking man, you know. But you've got to stick up from there. Can I complain about council to you quickly? Yeah, go on. We put our bins out, plastic. They didn't collect it. So we put on the website, our bins didn't get collected. And then they just went, yeah, it wasn't the right stuff in it. And it was. But that's case closed. Oh, God. Gave all down. Thank God you got a skip. Oh, no, that was after the skip. Much to my anger. Heartbreaking. Back to your working days. So you can't suspend. Can't suspend. But that was just a day.

22:02So yesterday I did all that stuff and then I had to run, get a shower, leave. Yeah. I had to pack all my stuff so that it didn't get packed. Rose got the kids all day. Rose got the kids all day. Surely that is pure babysitter day that is. Surely get someone in to help. Rose doesn't really have to do much, but it's just a nightmare day because it is. Kids in the house. Yeah. Basically. Because you need to be in the house. They might get packed up. They might get packed up. I sat in with a cat. Oh, mate. So we'll come to that. So then I have to go and post the contract at the post office. Sorry, was you buying a house in 1973?

22:34I had to post a contract. And then I had to go to my good friends at the bank to do a chaps payment to check the difference between the two. Yeah. And then I had to get on the train to Manchester. Oh, my God. On the way to Manchester. Obviously, you do a briefing call for a show where they tell you what's going to be covered. I said, can you just email across the stuff? Yeah. Yeah. obviously I couldn't find the email it had been about a week since the call and also I think I gave away that I hadn't done much prep by texting him at 2 p.m on the day to say can you resend the email that I've been working on yeah that I've been working on I'm in the maelstrom of doing it all I deleted the email I have to think about this the other day compared to when I first started doing comedy and getting tv works the amount of stress it would put on my life to now when obviously your family and your children supersede that so I was like doing bits and bobs with the kids and I'm doing a light live at the Apollo the Christmas episode and they said oh what music do you want to come out to I remember taking about a week before listening to different I went out with John Stebbins at Christmas bosh replied within a minute won't think about it ever again see you then exactly so I get on the train do my live at the Apollo not in my league of their own prep I haven't and by the way I'm not saying that I'm super cool and confident and it'll be fine I'm still petrified and just so you know how busy I am I'm doing live at the Apollo the day before you I haven't even engaged with the fact I'm doing it yet I haven't got to the point of being asked what song i tell you that for free i don't know what i'm saying either i am in the middle of a tour so i'll pick 20 minutes out of that yeah i'll be fine i'll be fine and so then i have to write for league of their own on the way to league of their own yep i'm quite manic by this point because i've done so much that day so i can't sit and like relax and read i make the pre-show playlist for my tour because i know that's a task i've got to do that's a classic sign of overworking where you create more jobs for yourself of course i'm fully aware i'm doing it as i'm doing it I'm absolutely buzzing off it.

24:25It's better to distract myself than engage with the current feeling, which is panic and fear. Yes, that is enough songs. And that'll be the middle bit. And then we'll play that song. And I'm like, okay, then I get to League of Their Own. Yeah. Guess who's in the next fucking dressing room, Rob? Romish. He hosts it. Mr. Fucking Tumble. Is he on League of Their Own? No, he's recording CBBs up there. He's hello to him. I knocked. I knocked and he came to the door yeah as Justin or Tumble he had Justin on his door yeah he came to the door he'd just finished filming yeah by the way everyone was like oh shall we knock no one knocked I fucking knocked at the moment I knocked you're desperately trying to distract yourself from how you actually feel just kind of hunt out Tumble now yeah at the moment I knocked Tom Davis is like right up a fucking drain pipe with a fuck up big rat big drain pipe so he came out at Davis to have a chat at Tumble oh Davis was there Once he'd seen that Tumble was taking visitors.

25:25What's Tumble like? Lovely. Absolutely lovely. I said, can I have a photo? He said, yeah. And he put on his waistcoat and his tie on again. He didn't. Yeah. He's got to do it on brand. That was great. Did the show. Intense. I've got a bad neck, by the way, at this point. Of course you have. Yeah, yeah. Because of the stress. Yeah. The show finishes at half 10. Yep. Straight back in the car to London. Okay. That's a nice four and a half hour drive. Yeah. So that was last night. Today's today. That was last night. Get home at half two. Wake up at seven. Have to take Beryl to the vets. This is an insane decision.

25:58Go on. We booked her in for her vaccinations the day before leaving. Oh, yeah. Don't want us to catch any of that exit of polio, whatever it is a cat can get. And also, when I get there, they go, you'll need to do more vaccinations in four weeks. Oh, what the fuck can a cat get? Piss off. Jot fucks me off. My dogs have better health care than me. If it limps, lose right down to vets. If I'm limping, she couldn't give a fuck. Dogs get private health care. How can I get you put down? It just gets me neutered. So I just go to the vet with Beryl, come back. Kidneys flushed or just vaccinations? Vaccinations, but also they gave me some anti-anxiety pills for her for the move.

26:36You should have had some. You should have licked them up. Stick them in your milk. Do you know what, actually? I've been fine. Rose has been very stressed. But in these situations... You've been fine, have you? I'm good in a crisis. Are you? Yeah. I come into my own because I'm not imagining what could go wrong. I'm just dealing with it. Yeah. But then I think you explode in about three weeks. Yeah. I look forward to it. Live at the Apollo coming out on stage when I've done any work on my set. Josh has walked on the stage and his pants covered in his own shit. I've not seen his new tour. Also, we didn't clear that Elton John song that he walked on to.

27:11And he's been pissing in a tea mug and he's pouring out his own piss. Very tasty. so then come back the movers are doing just boxing up everything around us yeah it's mental oh by the way we haven't managed to get them parking spaces we managed to get them two but they needed four so they went into a bay they weren't allowed into yep i watched a traffic warden come along and take their number plate and walk on yeah that's fine that's fine that'll be built to you we've agreed that'll be built to me before so where are you sleeping tonight is there Hotel. In this hotel room? Rose and the family have got a double hotel room.

27:46Beryl in the hotel? No, Beryl at home. But she's got anti-anxiety meds for tonight as well. I don't know. I'm just Beryl in a big fucking empty house. I know. Not even a sofa to sit on. The fish and the hamster as well. The fish and the hamster. Surely the hamster fish are getting flushed. You're not taking them down, are you? We're taking the fish down, yeah. I've got to bag them up tomorrow morning when I get there at 8am and empty the fish tank. how are you getting the cat the fish and the it's just like the you know the fox and the hen yeah so the fish get bagged up and they get put in a bucket right in their bags yeah yeah and that goes in the back of the removal truck no in your boot well ali you know that i've got a gig tomorrow night no you're geeking the night you're moving house did you not know that i've got a tour show your first tour show no like one of the last previews because i talked about pulling it yeah And then I felt incredibly bad because I just don't like doing that at all.