We're all going on a summer holiday...

22:19Josh Widdicombe:what would you season salt, pepper no I put a bit of all purpose seasoning in it. I used to have like mack potato, sweet potato, a bit of chicken, broccoli, a little bit of all-purpose seasoning and he used to absolutely love it. All-purpose, but what other purpose is there than seasoning? It's all-purpose. What else are you doing with it? Bald spot on someone's head, all-purpose. I've run out of toilet paper, don't worry. Here you go. All-purpose. Use that. Once this goes out, they rush on all-purpose seasoning at Tesco is going to go absolutely mad. Anything just becomes amazing. A steak, bit of all-purpose.

22:59Chicken, bit of all-purpose. Minced meat, bit of all-purpose. It comes out as if you're a chef. Honestly, I'm not even joking. There's absolutely no reason why anyone should be cooking any bland food around here now. Did you know I'm a bit of a chef now, guys?

23:15Josh Widdicombe:Well, I know you've got an ingredient. I'm aware of that, yeah. You've got one ingredient.

23:23Alison, can you help us? As your boy's older now, we're struggling to get our daughter's potty trained. How did it go for you? Do you know what? I don't know how I did it, but I'll be honest with you. He just started going to the toilet. It was the weirdest thing ever. He used to wake up in the middle of the night and just go to the toilet. For one day, he just literally went from wearing nappies. I put him into, you know, the pull-ups. So he could start feeling the wetness and stuff like that. He was like, I don't like this. literally started going to the toilet. I was like, oh my God, I am super mum.

23:54I am super mum. I don't mean to make you feel bad or anything like that. It just happened. I was like, oh my God. But have you ever seen an adult who doesn't go to the toilet? So the thing is, I don't think you should worry because eventually they will go to the toilet. I'm not worried, Alison. I'm not worried because I know that will happen, but I want to know how long I've got to pick up human shit for. But don't you find it weird that your child's human shit is okay?

24:24Josh Widdicombe:All you've got to do, Rob, it's very simple. Just add a bit of all-purpose seasoning. It's totally fine.

24:33Josh Widdicombe:So, Lorraine, what's your set-up, parenting-wise? Well, we've just got the one, and she is a grown woman and far more sensible than I will ever be. And she just celebrated her 26th birthday. and she was over in Singapore, working in Singapore, been there for the last three and a half years and I really missed her. And then she's back here, which is lovely. And of course we were driving her crazy, but that's kind of our job as parents. Have you defaulted to, like, when she was a teenager again, have you defaulted to those roles? Not really, it's quite different. I think she is kind of more like the parent.

25:08It's just like, looking for us and telling us to tidy up. It's really quite weird. Really? it's mum you have to tidy up you know and she's like she goes out and like does the shopping and we have to see what we want it's really quite actually it's really quite nice I'm quite enjoying it but we do drive her nuts but that's fine but you know what she was quite good um the teenage years weren't too bad I mean there was a lot of eye rolling and a few doors slammed but it was actually okay but the thing with us was I was away for quite a lot because I worked down in in London and we were all together until she was about 12 and then went back to Scotland for a tour to secondary school in Scotland and my husband really wanted to go home as well so I did the commute.

25:49Josh Widdicombe:Not every morning surely. Not every morning, not every couple of days. It was crazy, it was crazy but it was doable then because Dundee has got an airport, tiny, tiny little airport which is so easy you know to get there and it's just a dawdle to check in and everything it was a joy it was like getting the bus and we went from London City but Steve was the parent that would say eat your broccoli brush your teeth do your homework and I would be the parent that was like hey look I've got heat magazine and then free lipstick and it's like a good cop bad cop a little bit so it was a wee bit a wee bit kind of strange but it was it's it's all the all the time I mean I just feel as if it's been two minutes ago that she was a tiny baby and it's just gone by so fast I know everybody says that to you but until you're living it you just I think it was literally two minutes ago that she was a wee toddler and interested in everything.

26:37I love the toddling stage when they're interested in everything and it takes you about half an hour just to walk down the street because puddles are really interesting. And the questions and the why, why, why, I loved all that. The curiosity of kids I think is the best thing. How was it as a teenager when you being so famous and on the telly every day and everyone knowing, your household name, knowing that her mum was Lorraine Kelly, how was that as a teenager? Was she proud of you? Was she a bit embarrassed? I would say on the whole probably more embarrassed than anything else I mean of course she was really funny when I remember when she was tiny and she said to me and it was before people would come up for selfies and she did say to me she says mum why do you scribble your name on bits of paper for people it's kind of quite bemused so she's never really known anything else and and the thing is when I'm at home I'm just her mum she was never really that impressed which I think is quite healthy although when she was five and she met Westlife she quite liked that do you think like

27:36Josh Widdicombe:most people obviously the thing that they have is they're like oh my god the early mornings but you were getting up at five and anyway so you were probably getting up first anyway it wasn't a problem for you I know it wasn't that was one that was one of the joys of working very clearly that you add up and when she was teeny teeny tiny a couple of times I was able to take her into work and and that was because you can just pick them up and carry them so that was okay and obviously I wouldn't leave her on her own one of the team would keep a wee watchful eye on her but I didn't do that very often but at least I had the occasionally I could do that they were really good So you were sat there doing an interview knowing that there's some runner who's looking after your baby in the green room She'd be sleeping She was sleeping but like I say that probably over the years only happened a handful of times it was only if there was an emergency or something and of course when I needed them my mum would come down I mean when she was born and you know my mum was like right it was 11 o 'clock at night um and I phoned my mum and of course she's in Glasgow and she's like how did I get to you obviously I'd say the country's got a kind of view of Lorraine Kelly you're a very kind of clear character would you say as a mum I can't imagine you disciplining a child can you can you tell someone off Lorraine can you get angry no I can oh yes I can I mean it takes a lot I am like you wouldn't like me when I'm angry we saw the Esther McVeigh clip I've seen that i don't do it very often i really don't but like i mean that's who let my pals know do you know what i mean that's who that's when i'm sitting having a few a few drinks then that's who they know and then they say tell me about this one what do you think i go well wait till you hear this i have to keep her caged but yeah i find it i find it really difficult giving her into trouble but thankfully she hasn't really given us much you know much trouble the thing i am though the thing i would always say is i'm not her best friend i'm her mum you know how you hear parents sometimes say oh we're really really good pals and some people go out with their kids not that i mean we would go out for something to eat with her or something but and i would like to think that she tells me everything of course she doesn't why would she i'm a mom you don't want to hear everything and that's why you've got your pals to tell all these things so i think i think it's a a bit of a strange idea to think that you can be your children's gained.

29:53And I don't think it's a good thing.

29:55Josh Widdicombe:So, so if she says, mum, I need to tell you and you go, I don't want to know actually. Just tell your mates.

30:04Josh Widdicombe:So do you try and talk to them about like, did you find that you totally comfortable talking to your 15 year old daughter about, you know, boyfriends and what she's up to and all that kind of thing? Yes. My mum, I grew up on my mum. she would be like, no boyfriends, they're just going to want dig you out. Now, if I break that down and translate that in English, it means they're just going to want to have sex. But her word was dig you out. That was her. Dig you out, your heart. That's a graphic image. That's what? Like a fucking highway maintenance worker. Jesus Christ. Treat it like it's tarmacking.

30:43Fucking hell. From your mum. and depending on what depending on what kind of person you are you might actually find that like quite intriguing I'm going to treat you like HS2 baby I'm going to open and dig you out my dick's going to be like a shovel oh shovel dick's turned up again you know what I mean don't say that shovel dick you might not have a job but he's got a shovel dick you know what I mean so could I just ask was it just your mum's

31:22Josh Widdicombe:phrase or is everyone saying dig dig you out I don't think I think there's a few people that might use the term and it's a very vulgar term but I think it's in the term of like there's more context to it you know there's more layers to it it's more about not just the physical but it's the emotional and mental analogy behind it in the sense of having no respect for you and digging someone out the term i was like taking the mickey out of them or being horrible if someone's digging you out you go oh they're digging me out for my outfit and stuff not not that time so i think maybe just a like the the message was maybe just disrespect was it just disrespect you yeah i think yeah just like disrespect you know have sex with you and leave you and haven't got no you know feelings for you you've got to be careful that so I've kind of taken a different tone you know yeah yeah was that conscious decision then that you thought well I didn't really get what I needed I had questions about dating or growing up and stuff like that but I didn't really get the chance to speak to my mum about it was it a conscious decision to realign your approach for your daughter yeah I think so because I think like my mum was great and um you know my friends we used to talk with my mum we used to laugh and she'd just say because she was older and say the most hilarious things but i still think like in this day and age i think i've got to come with a little bit of a different angle i find these kids have got so much other kind of areas where they can hide information so i feel like i have to kind of you know what i mean there's so much different apps there's so much different people that their reach of speaking to people is just so wide so i thought you know what let me just try and i work to both of their different personalities my daughter's more the one that will cringe and not want to hear it um and my son he's open he he knows every he's yeah oh what he wanna he wants to ask questions and he wants the answers my son's the kind of kid where he knows the answers already especially if it's quite a uncomfortable question but he will still ask you just to see you embarrassed oh really what kind of things as he asks he'll just be like oh um you know so labor was really hard i heard there was a thing called tearing what is that mum my god bloody hell i only heard that three years ago yeah yeah well this is what i'm saying that he would ask i don't know if he's asked that specific question but that in a kind of under he will ask that real deep where you're like what the hell Do you ever double down and try and embarrass him back?

33:58No, this kid's different, man. I swear down, he's a different breed. Hi, lads. Hi, Donnan. Hi, my love. I like the French headboard you've got right behind you. Yeah, I'm renting a house at the moment to do all the promo in. Don't worry, babe. I've got all the four kids covered over here. I got it. Oh, fuck off. We've been doing that for the last two weeks, three weeks. Because I've been alone with the four kids for three weeks. No, I get it. I totally get it. I don't think you do. You've got a front board and you're getting up at 12.30. I don't think you do. Babe, I got up this morning to do breakfast shows on the radio.

34:45It's all right. You can capture all of this domestic for your podcast. Yeah, I mean, this is great for the podcast. We should want to explain what's going on here. Do you want to explain the situation, Rob? Yeah. To our listeners. We have got... Well, it's our first married couple on the show together. And it feels like we've intercepted your own sort of Zoom catch-up. Yeah, we should say you're apart. Yeah, you're in separate locations. The Ida's comedy trope for the last three weeks, while I've actually been doing stuff like work, is that you're ooh, traipsing across being a pop star and like I'm looking after the four children and that's been the, it's actually a bit of it's comedic, but a lot of it's not.

35:32And the result is I just go, I'm putting food on the table. First of all, majority of it is comedic. There's a grain of it like, yeah, I am looking after the kids. But let's be honest, every time I've called you, you were playing in your golf simulator at the manor. You have rented a manor with a golf simulator. You're putting in six hours of golf work a day. So I apologize if I haven't taken too seriously the hard, earnest work that you are doing right now, but there is no golf simulator where I am. I have my simulator is screaming children. That's my simulator. Has this been the most disjointed start to a podcast yet?

36:11No, but I think it's a fair representation. I think it's a fair representation of sort of what's going on because you're both in separate places. I just got all the kids. So can you realize, how many children have you got? 800. I don't even remember their names. I don't even remember. You know, it's funny, in quarantine, we have four kids, but in quarantine, I don't know if you've experienced this, but I feel like the amount of kids that we have, like quadruple, because I never, I never realized how many kids we had until we were at home with them all day long and schooling them. Yes. It was all of a sudden, like, what is that?

36:44Is it the Matrix? when what's his name? Multiplies over and over, like the second one. Oh, yeah, yeah. They all became multiple beings because each scream was four screams. Trying to get a five-year-old and a six-year-old to Zoom at the same time for other applications was quite challenging. Plus, you're feeding the baby. The other one's shitting somewhere. I mean, it was a lot. By the other one, she meant me. That was Rob. but I do tell him for the most part to clean up his own mess. And how old are your kids? Eight, six, two, and nine, ten months. Wow. That is full on. And where are you at the moment then, Robbie?

37:28You're in separate locations. Ida's in Switzerland. Where are you? I'm in Oxfordshire. Oh, nice. I've come over to do a promo for my album, Christmas Present. and if I didn't do that, none of these children would eat. Go on.

37:47Josh Widdicombe:Oh, I'm glad that we're helping you out with the food, Rob. Have we noted that Robin's doing this interview from bed and he's just woken up and it's like 1pm? I'd like to put some framework around this. Yes, I can confirm that he's still lying in bed topless. I assumed he was in LA and you'd got up really early for this, but no, it is midday. It's Oxfordshire. so how does it stop my I wouldn't be able to get away with this so how how are you how are you managing to do this Robbie and not get in trouble with either I I got up really early this morning I did lots of radio shows breakfast shows to launch my single yeah and then because that was so tiring I've just had a power nap and now I get up and I do this and then I've got other things to do until nine o 'clock this evening so stick it up your American ass i will i will i will shove that mild accomplishment up my ass but i would like to take it to the crowd what time robbie williams would you say and be honest be truly truly honest because we are all a witness what time would you say that you normally get up in the morning i'd say i've been really good just recently but since you've known me which is 15 years 12 o 'clock in the afternoon midday there you go are you a student listen i suffer with a undiagnosed

39:12called robabism robbism and um listen it's i'm getting there i'm getting there slowly but surely but i've had one minute at a time so when you've seen them really good recently what's really good half past nine

39:30sorry you don't agree with that either no I'm not at what point have you gotten up at half past nine I've got a fit golf thing babe you make your golf appointments for noon you don't get up to the golf course at night you do not get up at nine babe for the last two and a half weeks I've been getting up at nine o 'clock to do some serious promo and then golf in the golf simulator. Yes. I think people will feel, I mean, I'll take it to the group, but it does sound trying to be a pop star, doesn't it? It sounds difficult.

40:06Josh Widdicombe:It's difficult for me and Rob, obviously, because we've got fake jobs as well. Yeah. What time do you guys get up with your fake jobs and your fake children? I got up at 6.30 this morning. Wow. Yeah. I get up about seven every day with the kids. You see them in the morning. You see them in the morning. Yes. I walk mine to school. That's kind of you. I pick mine up. I can't do the pick-up, so I do the morning. That's what I do. I can't do the morning, so I do the pick-up. There we go, Rob. We should have a child together. We'd be a perfect couple. What time do your kids normally wake up then, Ida?

40:40They wake up at about 7.30. Oh, that's not too bad. They're good sleepers. They're very good sleepers. They get up from the dad. I still can't. I've got a question about this power nap you've had, Robbie, where I would, if I have a power nap that's normally, you know, fully clothed on the sofa, you are basically naked at the moment. I've never stripped to nothing to have a power nap before. That's just going to bed, isn't it? I did all of the interviews this morning for the radio people. Some of them were actual Zoom in the studio. I did all of them like this because I'm an eccentric pop star.

41:23You did not do the regular news like that. Did you, babe? Did you really do a topless in bed? Yeah. Wow. Strong show. You married an eccentric pop star. You know about me. Do you think that if you just keep repeating eccentric pop star, that will just bypass it and they'll just go, oh, it's just an eccentric pop star? Okay. Let me ask you this, Ada Williams. Am I an eccentric pop star? You are an eccentric pop star. Okay, thank you. But how long could that last? Will you be like an old people's home in your 90 and you just shit yourself and they go, oh, he shit himself. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, I'm not old.

41:53I'm just an eccentric pop star.

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42:39With pickles or spicy mayo and jalapenos. Oh, and it's all just$4.99. That's a deal almost as hot as I am. Almost? Ghost? Sweet? No. Spicy? See for yourself. $4.99 and only at 7-11. Valid through 825-26. Participating stores only while supplies last. Visit store for full terms. I found, I don't know about you, Josh, when you go away on tour, I'm a really hands-on dad. And when I'm at home, it's completely 50-50. But then when you go away for a couple of weeks and then you come home, you've sort of forgotten how to do it. It's sort of like, you know, it can just go so quick. And then you feel a bit like alien and then you've got to relearn all the little routines and stuff.

43:16And then sometimes it's easier just to go, oh, I've got another bit of work and sort of escape off again. And then you sort of, and it's weird because you sort of aren't confident enough to establish yourself as a dad, but then you sort of take that way up. It's very difficult to come back and forth after filming periods.

43:32Michael Sheen:Well, I've really noticed it now, much more so in a way this time, because when I have had to go to work, I mean, and even though we're like, Anna and Lyra have come, you know, we've all come together to New York when I filmed before Christmas. So we would all be living together in the apartment there, but I would go off to work, you know, in the studio for the day and then come back and maybe, you know, come back after Lyra's gone to bed. So I wouldn't see her until the next morning maybe. And I'd notice a difference. Like she wouldn't maybe acknowledge me first thing in the morning. It would be different.

44:05Michael Sheen:And that's just from being away for a bit of the day, let alone like away for two weeks, like I used to do with, you know, with Lily. I really notice her.

44:13Josh Widdicombe:I've noticed that a lot actually when you're like come on mate I've just been to work give me a break that food you're eating

44:23Michael Sheen:is because of me going away and working so let's have a little bit more there's a lot of that going on I know like well I'm not eating it anyway she didn't eat it in the afternoon and she just lets it dribble down her mouth that's what Lyra's doing at the moment I think we're getting to the point where we're realising we can't give her like the sort of pureed food anymore. Oh, I hated that stage. I found it so difficult with getting on to food. Because she's, yeah, she's eating, she's, you know, putting it in her mouth and then she's just looking at us in the eye and just letting it dribble down her face.

44:59Michael Sheen:She knows what she's doing. Now, I don't know if you remember this period, but she's at that period where if you tell her off, she just thinks it's funny. And on the one hand, that's kind of a bit annoying because you want to go, no, don't put your fingers in that socket. Don't pick that knife up. You want to instill in other. But on the other hand, I'm sort of living in terror a little bit at that moment where she realises she is being told off. You know that? Because at the moment, she just doesn't have that. Even if we get scared about something and raise our voices or are a bit sharp with her, she just thinks it's funny.

45:36Yeah. That is horrible when they get out. If you do go, no, like that, and then they cry because you actually make them jump. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so you can shoot your panic so then they get scared and then it's a horrible feeling.

45:46Michael Sheen:Yeah, oh. It's like the first time you see if they cut themselves. I remember that with Lily as well. First, she bumped her lip on something, Lily, when she was very little and her lip was bleeding. I just remember that feeling of seeing your child's blood. It's like, oh, it chilled me. And the same with Lyra when she bumped her head one time as well. It's a horrible feeling that, isn't it? Seeing them like that.

46:08Josh Widdicombe:It's grim. I think that one where you say like that situation where like they think they're being told off and it's funny. Have you got into this situation where they'll do something and you'll laugh and then you've created a running joke that's every time you laugh it's reinforcing bad behaviour. So I've got in this running joke now where so she'll say it's cuddle time and then she'll cuddle her mum and then I'll go, I said, oh, is it my cuddle time? And she said, no, and we both laughed. And now I haven't had a cuddle in four days. because she thinks it's funny she's just funny she loves she loves to go it's not your cuddle time I'm like alright mate a joke's a joke in this situation come on that's it for this special best of episode we'll be back next week

46:59Josh Widdicombe:if you are not in the queue and you are waiting then step to the side he got in touch he said yeah sorry mate you didn't seem like yourself the other day you've only met me three times The self-service checkout. I don't care what you're called. I'm not getting tricked into working here. People at festivals in those stupid jester hats. But do you know what a snake's penis looks like? £2.69 for a bottle of water. Why is your Wi-Fi code? Social media. Why are you having people who do their shoes on? I don't care if you're watching. This is cut. Jeans. What's upset you now? Hello, I'm Paul McCaffrey.

47:30And I'm Sean Wolfe. And we are the hosts of the hit podcast, What's Upset You Now? Each episode is only 15 minutes long. That is perfect for your commute. Absolutely perfect. What, a little 15-minute bus drive to work? Stick an episode of What's Up set you now on? What's it all about, Sean? Well, me and Paul and a big-name comedy guest such as Tom Allen or Rob Beckett or Josh Whittacombe will rant about what has got our goat that week for only 15 minutes. All those little things. Like, for example, do you know Gatwick Airport are now charging you£5 to get dropped off at their door? And now the sun's back out and people are off doing yoga in the park again.

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48:43Your takeaway disasters. Your weird habits. And your personal takeaway recommendations. You can follow us on Insta, My Favourite Takeaway Podcast. On Twitter, at favtakeawaypod. Or you can email us, hello, at myfavouritetakeawaypodcast.com. And don't forget to subscribe, like and share. My Favourite Takeaway, the podcast for anyone who loves food but can't always be bothered to cook it. Available on all podcast platforms now.

49:34wherever you get your podcasts. That sounded quite professional, didn't it? Mmm.