When all else fails...

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0:30Josh Widdicombe:Did you know Lululemon's iconic Flow Y bra also comes in tank top styles and even a dress? Now in new fun summer colors, Flow Y brings a racerback shape to streamline styles you can wear anywhere. Our buttery soft Nulu fabric feels nearly weightless with sweat wicking four-way stretch for comfort you'll want to keep on after practice. Flow freely on and off the mat with light support and refined design. Shop Flow Y now at lululemon.com. If you've ever blasted synth beats from your boom box or burn CDs for your besties, this one's for you. As people get older, much like their music tastes, their health needs change.

1:11AG1 is the simple daily health drink designed to deliver over 75 essential daily nutrients and pre and probiotics to support energy, digestion and mood. So you can make the most out of every decade and dance break. Learn more at drinkag1.com. This episode is presented by Monzo. Josh, I love the summer holiday. Aside from being asked for an ice cream every 32 seconds.

1:35Josh Widdicombe:Well, Rob, that is why it's an ideal time to get them a free Monzo kids account. Help build confidence and independence with their money. You can instantly send money or set up regular pocket money. And parents still have full visibility and control from their own Monzo app. Unlike the requests for ice creams from the kids. Monzo's award-winning kids account. Search Monzo. For children aged 6 to 15, parent or guardian account needed first. UK residents only. T's and C's apply. Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with... Can you say Josh Whedicom? And Rob Beckett. Violet, can you say Josh Whedicom?

2:16Josh Whedicom. And Rob Beckett. Rob Beckett. Well done.

2:22Josh Widdicombe:There we go. Good day. Rob and Josh and Michael. This is our 31-month-old Harris, not Harrison or Harry, and five-year-old Violet, giving your names a red-hot go. Lovely. Thank you for keeping me in my seat on the rollercoaster ride that is parenting. Stay forever sexy and relatable. Great email. Really well written. Love from Down Under. Amy. Amy? A-M-I-E. Amy. Amy. 416 months, Hawkesbury Valley, Australia. You know Adam Hills on his autocue has g'day. Why wouldn't he? I suppose that's what he says at the start of Last Leg. Yeah. But it always, yeah. Always find that. That's how they spell it.

3:10That's how they spell it. G'day.

3:11Josh Widdicombe:Well, it's always weird, isn't it? The amount of things on an autocue that you would say anyway, obviously. G'day. Well, no, you may not say g'day. Hello. We'd say hello. Hello. Welcome to the show. You all right? Yeah. I'm fine. Right. Do you want the longest, shortest time between wake up and leaving the house? Yes. Before we get into the second one. Here we go. In last week's episode, you asked for the longest time between wake up and leaving the house. My five-year-old son has never slept past 5.30 and is currently on a run of 4.30 a.m. wake-ups. Our school drop-off window is 8.45 to 8.55 and we are a five-minute walk away.

3:53Oh, no, that is bad. That is bad. This means at the moment he has four hours to fill every morning.

4:01Josh Widdicombe:Fucking Nora alive. Help. Fucking hell. That's insane. That's a whole day every morning of, like, entertaining a five-year-old. Oh, my word. Four hours. That's awful. Four hours. So what's yours? Mine is an hour. Bang on, really. Ours is about an hour, hour and 15. yeah well up at half six 6.45 and then leave about seven you know so it depends if they've got different clubs yeah it depends on what time we leave depending on what time the clubs are but it's about an hour hour and 15 yeah yeah that's great if you can beat that and also we are looking for shortest as well we do like shortest but yeah the shortest is hardcore should we do the compilation or do you want a bit longer here michael that was quick no he wants the compilation he wants the compilation he wants the compilation let's give it to the let's give it enjoy here it is we'll be back soon

5:06my wee boy is frighteningly clever like he's got a we think we're his teachers and we think he's got a photographic memory so he is really confident and

5:15Josh Widdicombe:so what does that mean that he's got a photographic memory from the age of four if you show him any country just a shape he'll name it whoa so like I've ever and did part of you go what the fuck is going on here so you don't have to show it once and it's lodged kind of yeah and like he remembers everything I don't think I could do any except for it so he was slagging me off the other day because I didn't know how to spell Kurdistan we do Worldo so it's like Worldo? no Worldo so it's a country shape every day and so you get six guesses to go so like it comes up so the first one we ever did I put it on a story online because it came up and he was like Gabon and I was like he's four right and I go how do you know that and he was like oh because that's the gap for Equatorial Guinea and I was like what the fuck you used to eat coal out the fireplace what is happening and yeah so he remembers things all the time so tell me what's going on there then so I think I watch his a lot of YouTube I love that question yeah such a loaded question no but like I just like what does that mean so he like he was reading a poem for school because it's coming up when we recorded this it's coming up for Burnsy and if he reads it a couple of times he just remembers it he's got it yeah yeah and like he now he's getting really into football now so he's memorising old footballers he so we do world the weirdest one we did right and has he got other things that he's really good at or is it literally like he's just got this one thing it's stuff he's seen he can read really well it's stuff he's seen and like we were so it was been 1st of April last year so my my brother lives in America he was back with his wife and their son and we were doing world Alex likes to show off he's like look what I can do because he realised I remember he's got your DNA yeah he's a showman we were in a pub and the guy next to us our local pub the guy was like oh I'm really good at jog feet as well because we were playing like a card jog feet game and Alex went okay and the guy went oh we'll have a flag competition and the first flag came up and my wee boy went Eswatini and then the guy was like yeah we'll leave it there that's what's done but yeah so it's the first of April he was like world will come up and he was like that's weird that's the Roman Empire and I was like no no it's countries and he was like no that's the Roman Empire and then we clicked it in and it was like April Fields you got us that was the Roman Empire and all of us in the room were like we need to monetise this somehow he's taking a figure it's not a bad show and so what do his teachers say about stuff like that does it make it so easy for them he's pretty quick at like reading and maths and stuff like that just now were you good at school I was alright your family they've either missing something or they've got something extra every story you tell someone's got a different and everyone's like maybe it's like what's that Smallville where everyone's got like a super power and we don't know it yet and everyone's just kind of again you don't realise how weird your family are until you speak it out loud and so is he does that help him with sign language then little bit a sign language is kind of similar with anything that the less you do it the harder it gets so if he doesn't see my mum and dad for a bit because you know kids are like he's got football he's got all that kind of stuff so swimming so he needs to kind of go see them and do it and he would always come back like when he was younger from mum and dad's with maybe three or four signs from that day and he would remember them all and then it must be frustrating for them if he can't remember certain words to sign at them and he knows the shape of the Roman Empire are you putting your art into this yeah he's not picked his battles there has he but yeah he's very much like the Roman Empire there we go we don't really know what that meant no it made sense though yeah yeah rhythmically we like well I think it's a different world now I do that I thought you were about to explain it no no no I'd do it that way on podcasts but on Not The Week I would have gone a bit like the Roman Empire yeah and then stare in silence and wait for applause and would it come what's that would the applause come yeah if you might be past and you plant the seed nice nice yeah but I'm like heavily so I gig a lot and then the rest of the time so like because I've listened to other episodes of the podcast people talk about their father life I coach my son's football team oh my god who will like occasionally so it's like 10 or 11 of us and I'm away so like it's on tonight so I'm not there I'm not there on Saturday because oh no it's not on because it's still winter have you got an assistant manager no one of the other coaches a kind of Michael Carrick figure I'm not the top one I'm there for like aura putting the cones out I'm there to kind of big the kids up one of the coaches his dad was a very famous manager so he's good for that who's the manager I don't think he'll want me to say I would say hand on heart it's the worst hour and a half of my week every week oh really yeah 29 kids just running what's your son's level of ability within the squad because that's difficult I'd say there's 29 players it's too big a squad Pep Guardiola talks about stuff like that doesn't he we've just put a bid in for Mark Gwey so hopefully we're going to go he's I'd say he's between 10 and 20 in them so he's not the best he's okay he loves the celebration loves the job remembers all the other players names does that when he scores he's actually pretty good at that and then knows all the kits I was in Rome maybe Corner Flags at the weekend and he was like you need to get me a Dybala Roma top and he was like if you can't get that you can get Totti and I was like okay fuck it well as soon as I get home I'll go on a Chinese website and you'll have it in a week to ten days I did buy him a fake one because the Roma shop was 95 euros so that's not happening you'll have an 8 pound one that gives you a bit of a rash and is it are the parents as awful as you imagine sometimes yeah there was one oh it was awful one of the first few games I was at with Alex and one of the dads for the other teams was shouting behind the goal just shouting constantly and it was relatively constructive to his kid but also his kid is five like chill the fuck out and then in my head I was like this guy's a dick this guy's a dick and then the minute full time finished he came up and went I've seen you on tour I'm a really big fan and I was like this guy's class so quick have I changed can I ask because you've got two daughters who aren't like one of your daughters is into football yeah so she's she's 10 and she plays at school and for the school and she's I've been a couple of times yeah it's very hard not to because I can't imagine you keeping your council on a touchline oh really no do you know what I have to work really hard because I've been on a panel show with him yeah no but I I'm only ever encouraging but even that's too much sometimes do you take flares so I'll be like well done well done but so you never say push up no but I might go I want to go there's a bit of space if I see space I find it so I'll never be critical but it's quite toxic to shout there's space just let her get on with it but I find it really difficult I do find as well I don't know if you get this when you're at the sport where people will say stuff to try and make you laugh because they know you're a comedian so it'll be like if a kid scuffs it and it goes wide and they're 10 I'm like well done don't worry about it but then I'll be like oh yeah that was close and I'm like no you're mugging off a kid and I I don't I give them nothing like a fucking statue and if they are I've said before I was like I don't think you should say that and it gets really I'm happy to sit in the awkwardness yeah the phrase you're mugging off a kid just wins every time like you can't be yeah you're mugging off a kid yeah anyway so have you had to confront anyone yeah two two times one was like just a football argument and one another team was shouting we've got a very good player who'd slit tackled someone quite firmly and they were shouting do him do him now and I was like fuck it now he's five or six I was like what the fuck are you doing so yeah that was how did you deal with what did you I went and argued with him you went around him and said you can't say yeah yeah yeah and it was parents at the side argued with him and then they were I was standing in an ice cream van queue after the game and they were raging behind us and it's really hard like that awkwardness afterwards and also I wonder like you can't have a row with someone older than a flake you know 99 on your nose yeah so yeah it's if you were to stab someone with an ice cream which would you choose?

13:18Maybe the bottom end of cronetto straight out the freezer? Yeah, I think that's the one. That's absolutely spot on. I don't think I've ever felt more Glaswegian in my life. That came from somewhere inside me.

13:28Josh Widdicombe:What about getting a calippo out and using that to slash someone? Like a javelin. I think you could batter someone to death with a frozen calippo. And then eat the evidence. But you'd have to... Yeah, but you have to the rapper's got the blood on the shoulder. You'd have to eat the rapper's. That's what he does. Yeah. Do you not eat the wrapper? No, no, no. It's like the apple core. It's not being me, the wrapper. A clipper's going to grow out here. I'll tell you the thing about a clipper. I don't like the skin. Josh licks the outside until it disappears and then he gets to the fruit. It's worth it once you get in.

13:57Josh Widdicombe:Treat yourself. It's good. Do you, how much do you put winning as a thing? None. None. I don't, a lot of time when we leave, I don't know the scores. I'll know how many Alex has scored probably. Yeah. If he scores one or two, because he'll talk about it the whole way home. He'll be like, do you see my goal? but no I could not I will rotate fairly like they're five I used to run he's so young as well I used to run an amateur team for years playing football and I've played football all my life and some people take it seriously that's never been because we're not that's what ruins it I love playing football you pay to play but it's just that's what I always think some people just that's what put me off Sunday league and when I got about 17, 18 it's just like geez just booting you're trying to have a fight and it's frustrating I played in this Marks and Spencer's Father's Side tournament where he played other Marks and Spencer's team there was a geezer playing and he was playing football off his face drinking a rum and coke but it was too hard for anyone to say anything.

14:54And he worked for MS? Yeah. Probably in the warehouse. Tell us about your tour. Can I ask about Scotland quickly? Yeah. I've said the other week I think that Scottish This is a worry. Scottish bakeries are ten times better than English bakeries. Yeah. And I don't know why but I think it is. Macrily Pays? that's what he said yeah

15:13Josh Widdicombe:and then what did you you said macaroni pies what was the other one like scotch I think scotch pie scotch pie yeah yeah it's such a good meat for a pie and what was the donut thing a yum yum not yum it was like a fudge donut oh yeah fudge donut yeah yeah so it was St Andrew's and then what did you say 10 minutes later I don't know why I'm not really fit and healthy I don't know why I'm not losing weight I'm going on runs I did a scotch pie with beans and mash on top yeah and then um I had a fudge donut but I think the scotch that sounds class though yeah of course he's happy be because actually that scotch pie mince meat is a bit like pie mash mince meat where it's just loads of sort of mince rather I don't like that's where you get the football that's the go to one so I don't like in a pie or anything the big chunks of the meat because sometimes it's like a steak pie kind of thing yeah I think the big chunks sometimes the meat's a bit dodged where if it's mince you know what you're getting and it's smooth it's hot it's tasty this podcast is so versatile like it really is or we just don't have enough to talk about do you know I so I've been listening to episodes How do you manage to do it, by the way?

16:13I love that you call it versatile. You've made our biggest weakness of strength. Well, I just, I think this couch is incredibly neuro-spicy. We know what it is, but we don't want to diagnose this because it will be too lovely. Don't lose the magic. Yeah.

16:30This episode is brought to you by Tesco Club Card.

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17:15Josh Widdicombe:And as soon as I've gone on it, I never want to go on it again. But for that moment when I'm falling, I think this is the best thing that's ever happened. Either that, Rob, or a pirate ship. I do love a pirate ship. What, the swinging one? Yeah. No, you love drops. You love that little feeling in your belly, don't you? Oh, I love the little tickle in my belly. Little drop, dude. Rob, if that's got you in the mood, right, You can get two tickets to a Merlin theme park for£56 when you book using Club Card vouchers. You can book at Alton Towers, Thorpe Park, Chessington and Legoland Windsor Resort.

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19:07Jessica Hines, welcome to the show. Thank you.

19:11Josh Widdicombe:It's very exciting. Can I start with some huge praise? Yes. Always. Because it's rare that we have someone on who I remember just being incredible. like when I was into comedy before I did comedy. So you being Cheryl in the Royal Family, which was the first time I really came across you, I think. Would that be? Well, I think that was kind of almost simultaneous to space. With space, yeah. I think it was almost the same year, in fact. Was it? What a year. What a year. What a year. And those two things were so... I had my first child. Was it? No way. And that's why he brought it up because he's so good at linking stuff back to parenting hell.

19:56Josh Widdicombe:So you had your first child as everything just broke in one kind of... Yes, that's correct. Wow. And what was that like? I think you can imagine what that was like. Would you like the coffee table near you to put your tea down? Oh, that's very kind. I don't mind holding it. No, because I put it in front of you and then Josh came in and moved it back. He did, didn't he? No, no, it's okay. Yes, thank you. They can share it, you guys. There they go. Yeah, I'll just keep mine on the floor. Yeah. Keep this class system in order. I think they were both kind of filmed at the same time, but I'm not sure which one came out first.

20:27Josh Widdicombe:Were you pregnant in either of them? No. No? No. So how old would you have been at that point? I was just 25. Just 25? Yeah. And so your whole life just changes in one kind of year. Yeah. I mean, I did, I think I, you know, I was already, you know, I mean, I did kind of, I'd already packed in quite a lot anyway. Yeah. You know. 25 was quite young though to sort of like in the world of acting and TV to have a child and also two massive shows at that point that really launched you into sort of like popular culture so was it an over like how did that year feel at the time? Well it felt like I was just packing a lot in yeah packing a lot in but you know So when you come to the second series of Spaced are you doing that one with a small child you're writing it and recording it.

21:18We wrote nearby, which was lovely. Simon came over and we had a little office that was nearby so I could come back and forth while I was writing. Is that the perfect, as an actor writer, is that the perfect writing job with a newborn baby? Because being on set and early starts is a bit more logistics all over the place. Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't necessarily say that, but it's definitely, during the process, it's definitely easier, I would say, because it's less intense and obviously there's less early morning. Yeah. So how many kids have you got? What are their ages now? They're three. They're all grown up.

21:53They're not really kids anymore. They're all adults. So does that mean I'm not technically a parent anymore? No, you're still a parent.

22:00Josh Widdicombe:That's how it works, isn't it? I'm thinking, let me off the hook. Do you want to go? When do I, can I reinvent myself now as a non-parent? You can reinvent yourself as a non-parent. I've really done it. I've done a great job. So if you... Is it time to just hang up my, you know, lectures? If they were here now, how would you introduce them then? If you're not a parent anymore, they are my mates. They're my children. My adorable children. And are they all moved out? Yeah, pretty much. I mean, the thing is, I think, you know, like, we were all together a lot. But yeah, they have. Yeah, yeah. Do you feel nostalgic when you think back to those times, those early times?

22:37Well, I do say, I mean, your kids, the ages that your kids are, yours are 10 and 8, aren't they? Rob's a 10 and 8. 10 and 8 and yours are 8 and 4 it must be really annoying when people say, which I'm sure they do oh my god, just enjoy it enjoy it and you're thinking what are you talking about how would you want to make exactly, presumably that's why you're doing this podcast but it's actually it's so, you know yes, enjoy it and you know if there's one thing I would say is do go back to the place that is the most simplest nicest place to go on holiday yes you don't need anything fancy yeah literally just a different place that's easy you know where everything is they eat the pasta in that restaurant you know there's no steps to the beach he's got it thank you rob's got it there's only one thing i do well and that's holidays do you rob oh i can oh i love to hearing about family holidays yeah i do we we go hard on holidays and experiences over things more so i'd say us that is so good the main experience is repeatedly going on rides in Florida but it's still an experience do you regularly go back to the same place we regularly go back there to do the kids love all the rides and they know them all and then we go to, there's a few different resorts that we go to that we've been to before that are really good so we're very comfortable going back there and the kids love it and we love it and we know that if we go there we're going to relax straight away

24:07Josh Widdicombe:when I was a kid we used to go to the same place every year which was Pembrokeshire in West Wales and Pembrokeshire is lovely but I think I because we went every year I think I've actually got more fond nostalgic memories of that place than if we'd dotted around and you go oh yeah we went on that holiday going to the same place actually makes it almost more vivid in a way absolutely because they almost merge and when everyone's talking about it everyone's like was that the time oh no no what year was that was I 8 or was I 5 and I do think going back and going back to the same place is such a good shout I do that's the only thing I would never ever give parent advice to anyone ever but like that is something that I do tentatively suggest and then go yeah we've got that worked out well we always used to go to this place at one point you don't need to be specific it no i'll give you the address this is where we will be no it's just this gorgeous we used to rent these gorgeous little holiday cottage just down cornwall that's it and it lovely fields little creek and it was the most beautiful place run by people who were so friendly and welcoming and lovely and you know and yeah we went there to the point where at one point one of the kids was like do we do we own this i was like no we do not if only because it was just this beautiful really simple place and you get there and you can just run out the car run out in the fields and then everyone disappears and comes back with loads of stories oh god so that's happened and then they're down there and they're in the river and i don't know if we can get it back again but i feel anyway i've got to go back again but i i need some crisps i need some i need something to drink and then and that's like the best yeah the best the best um so i wish we'd done that more the most simple simple things have you gone back since they've grown oh yeah yeah we've gone oh that's nice the saddest anyway we'll we'll be there just so you know our dates um obviously we'll we'll be at the same place so just let us know if you need picking up the station um oh we'll get you from newcastle and bring you down exactly if any of your uni friends want to come yes exactly but that was kind of magical as well because we kind of know the people who actually do own the places and that's sweet so build a relationship with them are they near sort of having families of their own or are they very much sort of mid-twenties sort of living their life still in their twenties living their lives but for me that's like yeah they could potentially be near having families I think they're the years where they go missing the most for parents because when they do have kids, that's when they gravitate back to sort of home, normality, advice or childcare.

26:57But that 20s is a bit of, they're off. Did you both gravitate back to like...

27:05Josh Widdicombe:So I've just moved back to Devon. Back into your parents' house? I've just moved back into my parents' house. My wife's just divorced. How's that going? How's that going? Okay, right, good. No, we... You need the help, Josh. You need the help. He's not wanting to be a parent, things come full, sir. No, so I moved away when I was 18. I grew up in Devon. Went to Manchester and then came to London for like 20 years. But then we were just finding where we lived in London too much for the kids. So we moved back to Devon, but not exactly where I grew up. It's not like the... And so they're going to the same school.

27:39Josh Widdicombe:Back into the same? No, okay. Yeah. But yeah, I never, ever, ever thought that would happen. Did you ever, ever, ever think that you were going to have children? No. There you go. Did you? yeah I always wanted a family and kids yeah did you I did I do love babies I've always loved babies you know and obviously that's that's that's a big help I mean it's not it's not a total game changer I mean you know it's not a total prerequisite but it does help I do love babies to the point that that I would often like make friends with babies like other people's babies oh would you in a queue oh in a queue in crying on an aeroplane oh really you offer to hold oh I would offer always offer to hold really I would hover around you know if they're there by the loos just rocking the baby I'd just kind of go what's your success rate on the yes from that offer to hold or is it well in some cases maybe perhaps I should have waited for a yes because

28:38you've plucked like the Pope I'm just joking of course I've waited for a yes but yeah no I mean surprisingly but then it becomes almost a case of them not wanting to be rude because of the pleading look in my eyes. They think she really, really wants to hold this baby. Maybe I should just let her hold it. But my children will now say, if they see a baby, they're like, mum, just leave the baby. Leave the baby. Don't touch the baby. Just don't approach the baby. Don't look at the baby. And I'm like, come on.

29:05Josh Widdicombe:So would you take your seat, not if the seatbelt sign was on, but if you were seated on a plane? Seated on a plane. I gravitate towards the crying baby sound, yeah. Wow. Yeah, I do. You asked me to move closer. I just hover around I just have a feeling of like maybe they need especially on a long haul and do they ever go are you but you're never no no never never of course they don't no and also you're on a long haul flight of people from everywhere you know of course they do I do try to or maybe they're secretly going oh yeah maybe they're inside they're thinking Cheryl from the Royal Family but also as well you don't want to ask that if the baby's asleep at that point yeah instead of having a conversation with the person holding the baby I never wrestle a sleeping baby away from a contented mother, no.

29:50I do try and, like, if someone's got a baby that's kicking off, I don't really offer, but I do sort of, like, sort of smile at them and sort of give them, like, a hug, you know, or, like, you're doing well, you know, that kind of thing. It's so hard. Yeah, I so do. I do. I do as well. It's so brutal. Oh, it is brutal, yeah.

30:07How are you? Fucking hell, I'm so tired.