BONUS: Premier League PREDICTIONS Show EP. 16

0:00Welcome to a new episode of Pitchside with me, Reeve, Thea Baker and Tom Garrett. If you haven't already hit follow, why not tap that button right now for new episodes every week? And if you want more Pitchside, catch us on YouTube, TikTok and Instagram where you can find us by typing in Pitchside. Let's get into it. Welcome back to The Greatest Show on Earth! Hoi hoi! Shalom, Jackie. Peace be with you on this Christmas morn. Ah, yes. Ah, yas. Yas. It's Christmas. Have you followed the stars to the Merle and Frankincense? And they led me to a Santa Claus. Santa looks... Not as good as he did on the first episode.

0:45Driving home for Christmas. And he's still got cake on him, actually. Why would he have cake on him? I don't know. He shit himself, I think. Something weird happened. You've been weird again. I didn't do anything. The children are still here. Yeah, the kids. The kids are fine. Looking as good as ever. He didn't notice that. But first of all, before we get into, I'm not going to say the madness because we're professionals. I'm a professional, yes. We're analytics. We're analyses of association football. But first, make sure you download Dabble. Dabble, do-do-do-do-do-do. Oh, Dabble, Dabble. That's the new theme tune I've started.

1:21I think that's copyright. I really like it. That might be copyright. But you can get£10 free if you use the code Pitchside. Maybe if you want to go away. No, if you've got to. Okay. Dabble Boys is the best betting app in the world. Why? Because it's betting app slash social. It makes me feel like I have friends. There's banter rooms. There's a Pitchside banter room. You're actually always in them. And you were trying to give me a stick the other day in there, and I didn't like that. No, it wasn't you. We were next to each other, and you were giving me stick. It wasn't you. I invited you to the darts, and you'd give me stick.

1:53But that's what happens when you're in the banter room. You never know what's going to go off. Dibble, dabble. No, it is class because Tom wins more bets than me. So myself and you can follow Tom or myself. You can copy the bets. Yeah, hop on the wind wagon. Well, you say that, but they haven't been going well lately and a lot of people have been following them. So I do apologise. However, I will be back. I'm definitely back this weekend with... I've got an Acheron. I've got a Premier League Acheron. But all you lovely people. So yeah, if you just come and follow us, get involved. And the best thing is, boys, So you put together a nice little bet, right?

2:25You can use their rocket feature, which essentially... Oh, that is unreal! You click it once a day. It boosts your odds, and you can cash out, and you get the best odds, or the rocket might crash. You have to be smart, though, because the rocket will crash at some point. It gives me a boo-boo. Say you put a bet on for, like, I don't know, 10 to 1. The rocket may crash at, like, 25 to 1. If you can stop it at 23 or something, you're Gucci. If you try and give a 26, you're going to crash land? That's me. You idiot! always but I'm pretty good with that one well I'm a daredevil till I die fabulous guys remember 18plusgumbleware.org full terms and conditions in the description down below boo yeah merry Christmas either way merry shitmas merry Christmas and a merry Chrysler do you know what we're going to have many Christmas celebrations across all shows but Tom we've been on a bit of a journey together and I've got you a little Christmas prediction so surprised fuck me is that I have imported from Italy the finest, most exquisite.

3:27Oh, my God. I have imported from Italy the finest, most exquisite. Say that again. I have imported from Italy the finest, most brilliant. No, no. Do the other word. Do the other word. Exquisite. Do it again. Exquisite. Do it again. Exquisite. Say it again. I got him wine. We can have a wine. It's called Villa Maria, Santa Maria. Do him in the bottom when we're singing Giangria. Wait, do you mean the Nina? Oh. The Pina? Oh. It's a Santa Maria. We're doing you in the bottom while you're singing sangria. It's not sangria though, although it is wine. Oh, you've actually got me a present. We've drank some wine.

4:00I'll have some wine. This is sophisticated. Now, do you know how much this costs? Wait, wait, it's New Zealand. Is it Sauvignon Blanc? Yes, it is. Oh, you know I like Sauvignon Blanc. I know you love the Sauvignon Blanc. Woo-hoo! You are a silly girl. Guilty! Guilty! Oh, there's fucking all lipstick around this and not my... Oh, lad. It's fucking Santa's been out again, haven't you, Santa, eh? Yes, naturally I'm staying on, mate.

4:31You just know that's going to be a bit. He's fucking keeping away from the children. All right, cheers, mate. All right with that. Here's to the briefing show. Here's to all you lovely people back home as well, because if it wasn't for you, this show wouldn't be the greatest show on earth. Solange, yeah. Solange, yeah. It's probably shit. I got it from the shop.

4:54Do you want seconds? Yes, please This is going to be a good show We're going to have to cut out all this We're just going to have Tom for

5:04Thank you, my child That's all it is I thought you were going to tell him that there I was worried for you Right then, let's recap the latest game Now, we have a confession These are my confessions I promise not getting nipples That was me we have no idea who's won this week. Yeah, lads, this is, I don't know if you noticed, straight away a bit from football recently on the show, so I don't really check. We actually have no idea, so... We have an extra special Christmas forfeit. The wheel's broke, it's bossed, as you can see. I don't know what happened to it, though. Yeah, it's some weirdo smashed the shit out of it.

5:42So as we have no wheel, we've agreed there's going to be an ultra special hard, forfeit for the loser, which we aren't aware of at this minute. Stanley has sorted something bad. I would assume it's either drinking or eating something. Unless he's going to fuck me up the arse, but that wouldn't be a forfeit. That is for the champion. So we are going to read the scores out as we go and work out the points. And then we genuinely have no idea. Right. so Chelsea Everton so Tom you said a very rare score prediction on this you said 2-1 to Everton yeah I went 2-2 and it was 2-0 to Chelsea 0-0 going into Liverpool Brighton I predicted 2-0 you predicted 2-2 do you remember the score of this I have no idea it was 2-0 to Liverpool oh Jesus that makes it 3-0 I don't like where this is going moving on to Burnley Fulham again every time I'm slipping up here you're not doing yourself any favours you went with 1-1 I went with 1-0 it was actually 3-2 to Fulham so no scores it's still 3-0 however you were a cheeky little devil with the Arsenal Wolves game yeah he went for a nice 3-0 win for Arsenal but I decided to mulligan that shit he golden result of that as well so that's a golden result out the way you said 3-0 Wolves therefore not far away really I said 4-0 Arsenal, but it did, of course, end 2-1.

7:17That's a point. Two points. Oh, no, one point. One point. Moving on to Palace City. Thankfully, Palace didn't get a goal because you went for 3-1. City! I went for 2-1, so that's a point each. That makes it 4-2. Forrest Spurs. Again, both of us zero points because Forrest won. We are not very good at this. Spurs are gash. I went for 1-1. Lewis went with 2-1 Spurs. Jesus. And then this is where it gets a bit interesting because I predicted, well, obviously the scores are 4-2 going into Sunderland-Newcastle here. I predicted a draw. It wasn't a draw. Lewis predicted Newcastle to win 3-1. However, and he got and resorted it.

7:57However, I turned that round to 3-1 Sunderland. So, your Mackhams have helped you out there, boy. I'm not really happy about it. Because obviously, Sunderland-Sunderland won 1-0. That means you get two points. That makes it 4-4. It's helped me out score-wise, but I'd still would have rather won, ideally, but you know. Oh, fuck. I've just figured out that. No, continue on. West Ham versus Aston Villa. Tom said 2-1 West Ham. I said 2-1 Aston Villa. That's another point, baby. 5-4. Brentford leads. Tom went for 3-1 Brentford. I went for Cleopatra 1-1. The correct scoreline was? 1-1. 1-1. Eight points to the good, baby.

8:35Man United versus Bournemouth. Tom said 1-1. I said 3-1. The scoreline was? 4-4. I'll get a point. So that's leaving, I think, even with the ones to watch, you are fucked. Going to the ones to watch. Yeah, because you got more points. You had Thiago, I had Cunha. Cunha being the one who got more points. He scored. So the scores are the doors. I believe, if I'm correct, I have nine and you had less than that. So you do the ultra bad forfeit. Right, Stanley, what's the forfeit? Oh, shit. Oh, my fucking God. Something tasty for your time. Oh, my fucking God. That's ridiculous Lads You wouldn't have done that Would I fuck?

9:20Would I fuck do this lads? I will do it Because I'm not a fucking bitch It's the Carolina Reaper It's the Carolina Reapers It's the Carolina Reapers I don't know how much I can How much Reapers should eat I should eat I'm going to advise you Not to eat at all Do not eat at all I'm not eating at all Don't touch your eyes Have we got like Something I can cut it with I think you just Oh my god It's fresh It's like unopened I think you just bite up to it like this with your teeth. I don't want to touch it. Tom, don't take much of that. I don't want to touch it. Don't take much of that. I swear, you'll actually die, mate.

9:57Don't take too much. I'm going to do like just a nib. He's eating it!

10:05This is not what this show is supposed to be. You don't see Gary Neville doing this. Fucking hell. Is it bad? Yeah. How bad? It's really bad. Oh my God. I've just put it on my hand as well. Right, don't touch anything for a while. I'll pour milk in your mouth if you need to. Come on, let's fucking... Oh God. I'm going to talk.

10:34Fucking hell. Come on.

10:42You are fucking mental You are actually mental Hey that's what I do for you at home Merry Christmas I feel like it's not getting worse Oh my god my chest is fucking burning Alright come on then Right well I've got a surprise for you as well Yeah Because you got me my lovely wine Oh yeah I have a surprise for you I know you've wanted to do it for ages and ages and ages is because it's Merry Shipmas, I am going to let you predict the Premier League. Fuck off. I'm going to let you do, but I'm going to watch over you. Just make sure you do. Yeah, well, no, yeah. We want to make sure the integrity is still kept on the show.

11:17You make sure that you don't touch anything crazy with your pepper hands. Okay. Right. Is everyone ready? I'm ready. I'm really ready. I actually feel surprisingly okay. Yeah, you good? Am I sweating? Yeah. Oh. Oh, God. Right, it's not that I think I think I should probably have more that was a bit unfair. Yeah more importantly are you ready? Oh wait wait wait. Oh My god, I get aware of it Come in my child

11:52Ready how does it feel oh I'm so excited for this repeat after me hey gringo you're in the long part of town Hey, Gringo, you have in my eyes. Right, come on. It's like wearing someone else's skin.

12:15Right. Let's break the Premier League, man!

12:24No. That was fucking shit. Give me the hat now.

12:36Give me the hat. Give me the hat. Give me the hat now. You're shouting on Christmas. Give it here. You fucking useless twat.

12:50Let's predict the Premier League, man. Woo.

13:15Snap out of it

13:21Oh god that's an horrible sight That kind of looks like what we got up to the other night I recognise that face with things like that dripping off it.

13:39Anyway, first game of the weekend. We've got... Fulhaman! Do it all, hey! Go do it. Go do it. Go do it. Go do it. Go do it. No, there's no stars today. Just piles in the mouth. Go do it. Go do it. Go do it. I'm gonna drink out of this instead What the fuck I was gonna make you do a spicy forfeit But I feel like I've egged you so I've egged you on Is that what it is? I thought it was just a classic Tom Pie Didn't taste as salty as usual Oh my god That cannot be legal What it's my Christmas mug You're right He's got one eye closed. I feel like that's not that bad. I might eat a full one. How do you feel about the first game of the weekend, my son?

14:38Because they're up against fucking Shilksley. The fucking Blues. The Blues. Fuck. Got egg in me eye. Can you fucking switch on? I feel... It's me to go first. Scared about this game. You better shut your bitch mouth. Right. I... When I first saw this, I thought... Oh my golly gosh, I could really see Chelsea getting something here. Then I remembered Chelsea never, ever, ever, ever, ever win at St. James' Park or get anything at St. James' Park. And what are you... We are filming. Keep going, I'm listening. I believe that there will be a massive response from Newcastle after the weekend. And if there's not, then they're fucked, aren't they?

15:25So I'm going to go with the... Oh, no, I don't usually do this. oh you fucker but I'm going to go with a 2-1 Newcastle win look you look great mate come on right what do you think mate and give us a score um I oh fuck oh you've spilt him oh um I am nervous for this game I don't know what I'm going to see from Newcastle because as I've recorded we haven't seen us against Fulham um so we don't know if we have responded well uh just to let you know currently as it stands you have you have based on your predictions Newcastle top of the league on 48 points I think it is 48 out of 48 are you going to make it 51?

16:06I think we lose 2-1 this is what you did to me sorry are you just putting Newcastle to lose? yeah

16:32You idiot. What are you doing? I thought we were going to go the whole season. Fucking hell. My throat and my chest, it's just like a constant heat. Yeah, you've had it rough this episode. Oh, I've had it rougher than you. I've eaten a Carolina Reaper. Would you rather do that? What's happened today or eat that? This. Exactly. Time's over. There you go. and I'd rather do that than that. So that's why we're such a good team. Scuba dive. On Christmas Day, for God's sake! You've done it again, you've ruined Christmas! Finger up the bum! Bam, bam! Santa's gone. I'm going to give you... I know we usually want to say locked in, they're locked in.

17:13I'm going to give you one chance to change that score. Leave the kids alone. Sorry. Not the kids. Okay, well, I feel like I'm speaking emotionally right now. So what I'm going to do, I'm going to tag in someone who's a bit more. Yeah, where the fuck's... Where is the Admiral? It's not the villain, is it? Oh! What have you done this to? Welcome back, Admiral. Thanks, mate. Lewis predicted a 2-1 Chelsea win at St James' Park. Oh, we're not doing that. No, no, we're not doing that. We're going to go 3-0 Newcastle. The Cherries. We're Bournemouth. IFC Bournemouth, for that matter. There's about fucking 15 of us from Dean Cope, and we're naughty.

17:56Pickle my cherry on Christmas Day. We are the Cherry Meisters and we're fabulous. All fucking 15 of us are going to pop your cherry. All of us are marching our way to you. And they're taking on Burnley. Big Burnley at home. Scotty Parker under big pressure. The Boo Boys were out last week. Boo! Boo! Boo! He was like that bloke who sat in front of his telly booing the national anthem. Fucking big fat virgin How's the farm going? Jeremy Clarkson's been class That's not how they speak We're marching on London They actually are We're raising awareness for farmers They're dropping horse shit aren't they Or cow shit Hey Up the farmers I think they should drop it on your face People were I wish Your go The farms need a winner Bournemouth Not as good as recently but they just had a good game against Man United.

18:56Therefore, I am going to say 2-1 Bournemouth. I'm going to go 3-1 Bournemouth. I think they're going to comfortably beat Burnley. And then I think Scotty Parker might be, bye-bye. Right, Lucy's crying about the egg. Well, the Admiral's crying about the egg. So I've had to get someone to step in for... It's Brighton. It's fucking Brighton at the Amex. Oh, hello. Dobby, you've been to Brighton last weekend, actually What did you get up to, Brighton? Dobby? Oh, I don't like to kiss and tell Oh, that's disgusting This is a family show Do you know who they're taking on, Brighton?

19:45Oh, exactly We are This on the land This on the land of the Nothis we used to have a Naya La Cowin we have a lot of players they go to the African combination are you okay Dobby? did you sneeze? we lose a lot of players they go to the African combination but it's okay I have the cheese I have the wine shalom Jackie and we go to the Amex and we try our very best

20:26oh sorry so what do you think the score is gonna be i think i unfortunately think my black black cat the black cat will lose i love the black ones i apologize it is you to go first

20:50I think that... Are you talking about the cat? No, I don't like... Dobby likes men. That is disgusting. I am on about the pussycat. The... Oh, the... No. No? No. Yes. No. 2-1, Brighton. Nice to see you predict my black cat to lose again. I believe Brighton they are very open sometimes I believe it will be 2-0 to the blue and white Brighton I think my black hat will be on a how do you say after a big night after a big weekend on the poppy the pills and then we sniff at the line and then the Monday Tuesday, calm down I believe Sondaland will be on a countdown idea that is illegal in many many in many countries including my own you oh shit you fucking you are You fucking Millwall Drink this It'll make you better It'll make you better Yeah You fucking I'm gonna fucking come down to East London You Fucking Upton Park Scotty Parker I have no choice Fucking Stop it Tom Just stop it

22:44Right so we've got West Ham Away at Man City It's me to go first. It's a fucking London Derby. It's not a London Derby. It could be. No, it literally, in no way could it be a London Derby. Unless it was a different team. Maybe I should fall apart. No. Don't want to live, don't want to die. It's Man City. Yeah, I know, but you got the wrong lyrics. Oh, I've splooched me pants. You know I didn't mean What I just said But my guy woke up On the wrong side of his bed And it just don't matter now Little by little I gave you everything You ever dreamed of Little by little Have you ever seen White cover glintle I don't know why that can't go in So we've got Man City up against...

23:43I realize they just cut something else funny there. West Ham are away from Man City. So me to go first, I'm going to go 3-0 City, and I'm going to golden result it. Booyah! Shooter. Ooh, sexy. Nice towel, mate. Have you shit on that towel? Do I look muscular? Your arms do a bit, but that's because you've got them against your body. No, they look... Oh, they look decent. Can you give me a score, please? Stop bullying me online. I think it's gonna be a good old-fashioned 2-1 Mansoe. 2-1? That's a fucking mental prediction. Why? Where's Stammer's shit? Do you have Colin Wilson? Roy and Ayman? Oh my god, Gideon!