BONUS: Premier League PREDICTIONS Show EP.5, S2

0:00Hi guys, I just wanted to come on here and clarify that there was no use of any green screen in today's episode. Welcome back to the greatest show on earth. It's the greatest. It's the best. It's number one. We're number one. Are we still? Oh, hello. Yeah, are you okay? Well, if you're wondering why I'm dressed like this, I've had to go and rescue Lewis. Hey, I went to the land of the pizza and the pie. So, yeah, I've had to rescue him from Jamaica. No, the land of the pizza and the pie and the girl Dave. Oh, yeah. Oh, they like the long-legged boots. The long leg boots in Italiano. Yeah, so as I said, Lewis was in Kingston the weekend, and I've had to rescue him.

0:43So if you are seeing this late, we are going to try our best to get it out normal time. Yeah, man. But there's a possibility it's late because we've had to record this very late, and obviously it becomes carnage. You don't need to hear the details, but what you do need to hear is download double. Bing! Because when you bet£10, you're going to get£10 in free. When you bet£10, you get£10 free. You can bet on any sport you like. Football, racing, whatever. Whatever you like. Darts, even if the darts are on. Flamingo racing. Chariot cars. Don't think that's in there. No, don't think that's in there.

1:16Now, guys. And there's loads of banter rooms. There's loads of places you can have a little chit-chat with all your friends. Like Lewis. Lewis lives in there. He's got no friends. Buongiorno. So if you do fancy a bet this weekend, make it a smarter one. Download Dabble and the promo code Pitchside. Bet£10 and get£10 free. It is 18 plus only. It's new customers only. T and C's apply. Please go and responsibly. Begambler.org. You don't have a very tanned. This is the thing, right? When you go to Italiano, you realise real quickly. Oh, you went to Italy? Yeah, Italiano, the land of the pizza and the pie.

1:44The pie? All the boys like to dance and the girls like to wank. I'd just like to say, pie is British. Not a pizza pie, lad. A pizza pie is American. Can I say something, by the way? Italian pizza pies. bit shit like. You don't like rustic Italian pizza? I'm just saying, if you're a clim and you invented this whole thing, I thought you'd be a bit better. I ordered a three cheese pizza, right? Yeah. Weren't even any tomato on it. Really? Yeah, it was like a cheese toastie. I'm not even jorgent. Are you sure it wasn't cheesy garlic bread? I know. I speak Italiano. Of course, grazie. Also, I'm part of the mafia now.

2:27Can you say that? You're part of the mob. I've actually just finished watching Philadelphia versus the mob. Pretty, pretty, pretty reach. Yeah, well, that was me great Papa. We call him Papa. What's his name? Papa. Papa El Toro. El Toro? Yeah. I reckon that means. I think it's Mexican, isn't it? I don't know. No, that's where I got this hat from. So guys, if you fuck with me, you're fucking with the mob, bitch. But anyways, this is a football prediction show. Yeah, let's review last week's scores and see who's going to get a red arse. It's 2-1 going into game week four. First up last week, we had Aston Villa one, Nottingham Forest two.

2:58You predicted a draw. I went with a home win. So no points. Nil point. Bournemouth 2 Brentford 1 I went with a draw you went with an away win so that's 1-0 me Palace 2 Ipswich 3 you went with a home win I went with a draw very close 2-2 1-0 me still Chelsea 2 Hull 2 you went you went with a result which is big Lewis went with 2-1 I went with 4-1 this is a horrendous streak from us both here yeah yeah this is probably the worst we've ever done because then you got and resorted Liverpool Fulham I went with a home win as well so that stays 1-0 to me going into Spurs Everton board draw 0-0 if you win this 1-0 we both went yes we both went with home wins it's 1-0 me going into Sunderland Arsenal Lewis went with 2-0 he stole that from me I wanted that it was 2-0 which makes it 3-2 to Lewis we both went with away wins for Brighton which makes it 4-3 to Lewis going into Man United Man City which was 3-1 sorry 1-0 Man City Lewis went 3-1 I went 2-1 City that's 5-4 going into Leeds 4 Newcastle 1 the final game of the weekend I went with a draw stupidly I fancied Leeds as well Lewis went with a Newcastle win obviously which means it's 5-4 to Lewis which means I get a red ass get your booty out bitch

4:19fuck I was close was it? yeah from Newcastle 5 you are shit mate

4:31Oh, on the line? It's on. No. It's on.

4:43Oh,

4:48you are fucking wanker. The ball's a two's life. Right then, without further ado, he's having a bad already. Can we get a hell yeah in the back? Hell yeah. Can we get a hell yeah from you the freak? Louder. I don't think it's coming to me. Say it louder. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. You ready? Hell yeah. Right without further ado

5:13Fucked the wrong way round

5:20I think it's dead It's dying

5:29It didn't work! Here's the motherfucking tea. Oh, like that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not like that. Move it off your cock. Oh, my God, that swells so strong. Open your mouth. I love Yorkshire tea. Oh, you nearly got it in. You're like a suck in the mouth. Don't do it, you dirty slut. Fuck. Well, as you just saw, that was the motherfucking tea, bitch. We apologise. That didn't work. My speaker didn't work. Next week, we'll be back and stronger and better than ever. We make a promise to you. Who? The Admiral. Don't know who you're talking about, mate. What? First up, Friday night. Football's a frackin' London derby, you c***.

6:15With the Buzzy B's. Buzzy, Buzzy B's. Buzzing all the way to Europe, maybe. Up against frackin' Chelsea. Oh shit. Keep going. I'm picking a fucking chew. It's a bit off-putting there. What is it? It's fucking gummy water. A gummy? Yeah, gummy water. What, that you eat? Yeah, it smells like jelly. Why is it packaged like that? Are you sure that's edible? I don't know. It's a fucking London army anyway! It's a West London army as well. There's about three bus stops in Brentford, but you know what? Up the Bazzi B's. Brentford are unbeaten across six massive matches. Fuck! In all competitions this season, winning three and drawing three.

6:53Fucking hell. I'm beating, bitch. Somebody's all got to go. Xavi Lonzo's side of the second-highest goalscorers in the Premier League this term. They can score goals, bitch. Having found the back of the net on ten occasions, but they've conceded nine. Leaky at the back, which is the most in the top nine. It's not edible, that, I'm sure. Fucking shit. I'm absolutely... It's a fucking sticky toy. Give me that tea. Hey! Mate, that was like when you try and reel me in, just don't whip my face. Ah! Proceeds to whip face. Right. The last three games at the GTEC have ended in draws. Oh, they love a fucking draw.

7:39It's me to go first here. I will see it. Xabi Alonso's side are the second highest goal. Shut! Goal scorers in the league. I can't believe you actually tried to eat that. I think it is edible. Oh, it does smell edible. Eat it, eat it. Eat it, eat it, eat it.

8:03It's like a wiggly little worm. Oh, my God, he's alive! It's alive! The snake's alive! I've got a serious question for you here. Go on, serious? Wait, wait, wait. Cue the serious music. Oh, no, it wasn't even that serious. Live the serious music. Let's go on. have Chelsea saved the Premier League in terms of this league was pretty boring last year in terms of what about the mighty leads the mighty white nah we'll get on to the mighty white no but they're like they sort of I think Tobe said himself they defend with vibes they have very exciting players as top they are this year's Man United very fun to watch they can score loads of goals but they can't keep a clean sheet I like this year's Man United as well though because just that's just they're shit yeah no but like still funny though horny horny boy I do think Xabi Lonzo isn't cooking as hard as I would have thought they've lost one game against Arsenal no but they've conceded like fuck they've conceded three goals to Leeds like that's embarrassing mate

9:07I'm going to go for a 3-2 Chelsea win I think they nicked this I think this is going to be an absolute fucking belta on Friday night I love that you don't great I'm going to Still can't do it. He's from that area and he can't do the... No. Really bad. Really, really bad. Brentford, I'm so cracking. Will Miller. Okay. I'm going to go with... Oh, my God, this is hard. Brentford are good. I'm going 2-2. Well, you haven't. You've gone 1-1. Oh, can't you not?

9:46Guys, we had to submit our predictions early today because we're in a race against time and I forgot how to do that. And it's on the screen. It says Lewis 1-1. All you have to do is just say the score you've done because they've already done the graphics for it. And this fuckwit has gone 2-2. I'm going to say 1-1. Good boy. Well done. Round of applause for Lewis, everyone. Come on, in the back. I'm going to kill you. Right, moving on. We've got a half-twelve game and some are calling it El Shittico. I would happen to agree. Spurs are at home and they are scoreless in their first four Premier League games of a season.

10:23For the first time in history, it's going to start raining goals. It's not raining goals in Tottenham. It has been 407 minutes since Spurs last scored in the Premier League. Fucking hell, that's about as long as Lewis has gone without a shag this year. And it is the first time they've failed to score in four successive Premier League matches since September 2006. That is embarrassing. And they are at home at the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium. It's going to be raucous. It's going to be loud. And they're taking on... It's Aston Villa.

11:10I'm the villain.

11:18Pray for mercy from Pedro Zorro.

11:29I have come to save the toad in a matchpur. I'm the one-eyed villain. Ha ha. Pray for mercy from Pedro. Pedro Zorro has come to defend the one-eyed villain. He looks fucking weird, man. This guy looks fucking weird and skinny, man. No! Not my massive piece. Give me my massive piece back, man. I need it. All right, moving on. We've got Brighton. It's the seagulls. You're getting pecked. Oh, what's that? You're getting pecked by the seagulls. Judge Rinder's here, everyone.

12:15they are taking on it's the Gooners it's the Gooners nah I need brand deals the Gooners I need brand deals guys Lewis it's the Gooners no I don't know about that one Wilmela Brighton have scored 17 goals across their last 6 matches including a 5 on it win against Coventry last time out Arsenal have won 6 straight matches they're pretty good man in all competitions conceding only once in that run over the last six league meetings in Brighton. Arsenal have won four and drawn two. They've got a fucking good record there, mate. They ain't a fucking bad team, are they the arse? It's a half. Up the fucking arse.

12:54It's like David Attenborough always said, the seagull's nest is always the most dangerous place to go. Is that what he said? Yeah. What, more dangerous than a hippo's mouth? Yeah, because you can't go inside a hippo's mouth. He can. It's well renowned from Attenborough, by the way. What? The seagull's nest, because you can't go in in a hippo's mouth. A seagull is actually the most protective bird there is. You can't go in a hippo's mouth? No. Based on what? Are you thinking of a whale? No. You are, aren't you? You can go in a whale's mouth. No, you can't swallow it. There's still good inside the mouth.

13:23Yeah, but you can go inside a hippo's mouth. It's not big enough. A hippo? Mate, it's like a... Do you think about a swim of the birds you've been pulling lately and think about how big their mouths are? I don't... I don't have a comment on that. Mate, Arsenal are incredible, but Brighton look really good. Brighton I think right if any team are going to have a chance to stop this Arsenal domination it's a team like Brighton off the back of a comeback win a comeback win against Man United by the way that 3-2 flattered Man United they absolutely battered them I think they're a really good team and we have to remember right Arsenal will drop points at some point in the season they're not going to go undefeated so are they not Invincibles Invincibles Invincibles I'd hate that I'd really hate that so I actually think it's going to be 2-1 Brighton I disagree on this score but I agree with your sentiment Rinder yeah I believe I think Brighton will give these wasn't Rinder bald he looks like Theo a bit doesn't he he does a bit but he's just blonde but I mean name another famous judge Judge Judy actually oh my god you're like Judge Judy this court of law will not have it you shall not pass look that's you yeah so Arsenal just look impossible to score against, but I think Brighton will nick one.

14:42I'm going to go the reverse of you. 2-1 Arsenal away win. So my argument against that is Arsenal, right? Okay. Really good team. But nobody wants to hear it! The only way a team can beat Arsenal is to have a good system. Don't you do that.

15:01That was... I was out in Italy, right? Where have you? And there was this little ting over there, right? Oh, who's this? I was out just in the club. In the club? In the club. Did you actually go clubbing? I went over and I was like, you're Mamacita. Mamacita in Italy, yeah? Mamacita, let's have some spaghetti rano and see what's going on. Nice. And she was like, don't talk to me and walk off. And I was like, no. No. Are you sure?

15:32Everton are the next game. They are at home at the Hill Dickinson. and Everton are unbeaten in their first four Premier League matches. But three of those games have ended level. In fairness, considering they've got that fucking donkey up front, they've done well not to lose one game at least. The team they're playing have scored 13 goals across their last six matches in all competition, but also conceded 11. So I think this could be a tasty little fixture. And who are they taking on, you ask? Ipswich. Oh, wait.

16:13No, do it again. No, no, we are staying in. You're ruining it. This is what I deal with everywhere, people. You don't let me read any of the lies. Yeah, because you're there just to be an idiot. I don't know. I've got football. You ain't. Every time you try, you ruin it. Let me do one. Ever. Ipswich have scored. No, no, no, because we're not letting them know who the fucking team is, you stupid. Ah, you can't throw jelly eggs at me, man. Right. Woosa. And they are taking on... It's the tractor boys.

16:45Oh, crud.

16:50Ah

17:04Ah

17:20oh

17:53I'm a tractor boy. We'll go again. Next up. You're getting mowed by the Tigers. Mowed by the Tigers. What are you doing that for? Did Skeleton Man? He's fucking Newcastle Man. Yeah, he's Newcastle fan. He's a fucking George s***. I'm not looking forward to this game at all. Newcastle are the best team in the world. Did you not watch them against Leeds? I don't know. I don't think we're very good at football anymore. Well, Hull have taken eight points from their first four Premier League matches, mate. They're class, mate. They're not out of the race. They're not out of the race. They're in the race.

18:26They've only conceded twice, both against Chelsea. Help me, I'm dying. Help me. Don't help me, ever. Newcastle have scored in every league game so far, but are still waiting for a Premier League clean sheet this season. Talk to me. Italian fireplace, talk to me. Now, would you say you are one of the world's biggest Newcastle fans? Yes. Really? Yeah. It's me, Leon Bess, Alan Shearer and Jordy Josh. Jordy Josh, he's going through it at the minute. He's a good pal of mine. Leave Jordy Josh alone! Is he actually? He's a good lad. Yeah. I've seen him at some events. He's nice. Brown knows all what.

19:06It's embarrassing. But you're going to get more by the Tigers. More by the Tigers. I'm not going to get me. What about Kevin Phillips? Do you like Kevin Phillips? No. Kevin Kyle? No. Do you know who that is? Oh, is he the American sniper? I actually think that might be his name. He used to play the front of us under, no? Oh, Chris Kyle. No, it's Chris Kyle, yeah? It's Chris Kyle. Can I be honest, right? I'm quite scared because, believe it or not, I think Fulham might be better at... I think Hull might be better at football than us. Really? There's been warning signs for us for a few games in a row.

19:38We haven't looked convincing. You do concede a lot of chances, don't you? Yeah. Well, we actually first for most shots conceded on our goal. Admittedly, a lot of them are blocked, but it's not really sustainable. And also, we don't create many chances, and Hull are very good defensively. I will say one thing, though. Leeds are really good. I know. They genuinely are. I think Leeds could... I think Leeds will get Europe. But, like, they were 4-0 up at one point. True, and they should have had a penalty. That is really embarrassing. I felt sick. It actually ruined me the whole time. Yeah, you were...

20:10Where did you go? L-Q... L... L-E-L-E. You went to Italy? Yeah. Why didn't you mention it? I just like it. All right, so we need to go first. I'm going to go for... I think you win this. I think you get back on track. I think quality will... I think cream always rises to the top. Hull are good, yes, and I think they'll give you a game. But I think you'll have too much of them, so I'm going to go... Tres to uno. Sorry, Tigers. I think it's going to be... 1-1. Ah!

20:41Fucking hell, it's like a prison. What's happened to you? Who's done this to you? Well, like, what am I supposed to think? I mean, you haven't done that bad. It's not even that. All the title contenders. Well, that is true. They are. They drop points in the title. They're literally title contenders. One thing you haven't got here, though. My name's... I can't even do it. We're going to lose.