BONUS: THE PREDICTIONS SHOW IS BACK! EP.1, S2

0:00Welcome back to the greatest show on earth. well it used to be we've been filtered down we've been through the rags and I'm actually fuming you lost a multi-million pound brand deal because you did certain things with stuffed animals grow up like it's entertainment you didn't have to do it though I know what it is on I could have done with that money yeah well so could I but now that's why we're here we haven't to apologise guys I'm sorry the show's ruined you wanted it back but basically it's a contract obligation with dabble yeah they're not happy with this so yeah Well, we're going to behave.

0:34Please go and download Dabble right now because if you bet£10, you're going to get£10 in free bets using code Pitchside. Pitchside! Obviously, there's a bunch of rooms, there's places to talk with friends. It annoys me because it's a great app, but I'm actually quite annoyed because they're making me to be something I don't want to be. We don't have any friends anymore, so we're going to have to just use the app to talk to people. Yeah, well, there are social rooms that you can join and talk to us about our bets. You can copy our bets, of course, on Dabble and if you use code Pitch...

1:03to make sure you go download Dabble and use code pitchside you get£10 in free bets and you bet£10 18 plus new customers only TNCs apply please gamble responsibly be gamble aware I mean I think it's time for us to just be serious pundits well yeah I'm looking wait wait wait I'm I want a job on Sky I want to work with Gary Neville I want to work with Jamie Carragher I want to work on Monday Night Football I think it's time for us to be serious I will be serious no we're breaking down the show guys we're going to be changing and revamp but there's lots of stuff to be excited about. None come to mind at the moment, but wait and see.

1:37I don't like this. I don't like it either. I don't like this at all. When have we ever conformed to the system? The reason that the prediction show became what it was is because we said no to the common punditry. We went no to the people out there in the world saying you should act like a normal human. I don't want to be normal. I've never been normal for a day in my life. I used to hide it. But on the post-school playgrounds they used to bully me. They're like, Lewis, you're too old to be here. You have to leave. I don't want to be normal! That is the greatest speech you've ever heard. So without further ado...

2:09Really? Let's be disciplined!

2:33at Andale!

3:16I'm on my life! I'm on my life!

3:24Oh, man. Oh, my nipples. Get them back on.

3:55We are back! Thank you very much! We are back! Hi! Thank you! Right, the first game of the weekend! Why have you dressed like a horse? We're doing the horse thing, no? It's a horse sketch. It's also Coventry. Oh. Well, I look like an idiot now. You look a fool. You look an absolute fool. I've got sweat dripping down the sides of me. How did you think about the entrance to the show? I was thinking that was on par. Did you see the Wookiee that come in? Well, was it not a bear? It was a bear or a bear. Guys, we ain't going nowhere. And God, it feels really not good to me back. I hope this show will be dead in the water, I'm not gonna lie.

4:36He knows what's here. Is this the... It's the trophy, mate. Yeah, Tom won last year because I started pissing about. But guys, don't worry. Or win trophies. Because I've learned from my lip mistakes and I'm not gonna be taking charge anymore. See yous later, motherfuckers. Awesome accomplishment we've only faced in the opening league game of the season once. That was in 93-94, Lewis. Do you know what the score was? I'm the Admiral. Sorry, Admiral, do you know what the score was? No, I've been in cryo chamber for seven months. I don't know what's going on. 3-0 to the Sky Blues at Highbury can they repeat the feat at the Emirates no no Arsenal are going to dominate every game I feel like this is going to be the easiest three points throughout the entire season well I've got a surprise for you have you the budget's gone up mate as you can tell by the opening scene Mariachi band yeah we've got a Mariachi band but not only that Super Frank he's here he's here the real guy oh he's coming is he not like that well we don't know roll the tape if you put the Wookiee hat on well we'll see roll the tape to watch Frank Lampard get a good coming time.

5:35Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, and we are very excited to speak to Frank Lampard, who returns to the Premier League, facing off against the Champions Arsenal. A very tough test indeed for the Sky Blues. Frank Lampard, how do you feel about the start of the season? Well, you know, I'm fucking mean. I'm really, really happy to be speaking to Mick Hacknell, for one. Great to meet you. I'm a big fan of Simply Red. But no, no, no, I am a fucking massive fan of Simply Red. But no, seriously, we are playing the fucking hardest team in the league. What the fuck is going on? I've got no idea how we're going to fucking get on, you little c***.

6:06Okay, thank you for that. Watch the language, live telly. Frank, what's your thoughts on... We're not fucking live, are we, you fucking little mug? I've just got to know that your kid's just fell off his bike on the way to school. He's on the way to A &E right now. It's seriously injured. He fell on top of a poodle. Silly sausage. He's a really silly sausage. No, but seriously, he's dead. Sorry, Frank, I've just got word there that your dog has just ran out and attacked a local orphanage. Have you got anything to say about that? He's a silly little fucker, isn't he, Bruno? He comes out the air, sometimes he's a bit pumped up on all the fucking little fishes we give him.

6:40No, but seriously, he has done this before, he's killed four people.

6:47Frank, I think you're going to have to go. The police have a warrant out for your arrest, and apparently this has happened in local shops. It's like fucking what the week, isn't it? It's like one of them little jokey shows. You have a bit of a babble. Mick Hucknell, Simply Red. This is not funny. People are dying. No, no, no, no, he's dead. No, no, hi. There's an orphanage. There's local, what's going on? There's a local orphanage of people dying. What are you doing? Get out of here. Frank, you need to go. You've killed him. Frank, Frank, all the orphans have been attacked by your dog. What are we going on?

7:25This is crazy. Guys, there's blood everywhere. on this street. No seriously, my dog has killed everyone. No, you have to call. There's a warrant for arrest. There's a warrant for arrest. Stop. Stop. This is not part of the show. No. You stay right there. You're gonna be arrested.

7:48My dog has killed everyone. Hey. No, we're done. It's all there.

8:08Seriously, there's 10 orphans dead. You need to go. There's a warrant for your rest.

8:15Okay, well, that was weird, but what's your score prediction then? It's Arsenal-Coventry. Frank Lampard's clearly a lunatic. I didn't win it last year, so I'm going first. Yeah, okay. I'm going to go Arsenal 3, Coventry 1. I am very hot as well for some reason. I'm really hot. I don't know what's just happened. Is it getting hot in here? It's way too hot. 3-1 Arsenal. Three terrible prediction for you. Are you going to go with all this? Yes. Yeah? No. Yes or no? No, because I know exactly what you're going to do. I've wisened up. You're going to reverse it. So I'm going to go 3-0 to Arsenal. 3-0.

8:54Okay, moving on to the early game on Saturday The half-twelve game We've got You're getting mauled by the Tigers By the way, guys We all think on it Great potential for the prediction show Mauled by the Tigers My tongue is wetting in At the thought of the things we can do with that Will I book a live Tiger for next week's show? I was thinking about Well, having a f*** with a stuffed Tiger Is that No, is that off? No, that's what caught Why a stuffed one? When I'm getting a live one in next week? Well, do you know what the Tigers Do you know a Tiger's penis? Tony? Tony Tiger. But the problem is, do you know a Tiger's penis?

9:28They actually have spikes on it, so when it inserts into you, it comes back out and it scrapes out all the semen. And I don't want to do that. Man United hold a significant historical advantage over Hull City. Out of 32 all-time meetings across all competitions, the Red Devils have won 21 of those. No, they haven't. Hull have only secured five victories with six draws. So they've got history to overcome, son. And you know that. based on your internet history, it's very hard to overcome that digital footprint. The two sides have not faced it in the league since the 2016-17 season. Michael Carrick is the best winning percentage by a Man United manager in the Premier League, winning 68 % of the time.

10:07It's a bit inflated, that, though. It's very inflated. It looks better than it is. Is he on Fraud Watch? Yes, he's already on Fraud Watch. You think he's gone? He'll be gone by Christmas. And Eddie Howell come in. You're doing great. Eddie Howell in. You don't have to get him. You do have to sell, though. We don't have to sell right you to go first score prediction. I think the one's quite easy I think Paul are just pretty enough they weren't even good in the championship realistically give these a game No, they can't the first game of season the KC is gonna be fucking rockin lad. I give them I give them get night that the paws are gonna be out me.

10:40Yeah, that is a tiger's paw is a thing of beauty as well It's been evolved over the many years. It's really big to one man United Actually, but you just said this was gonna be really easy and you've gone to what yeah? I'm throwing you off your game, mate. No,

10:58seriously, you're looking at this. I'm going to go 3-1, Man United. Aye, 3-1. Think you're wrong. Moving on, we've got Everton taking on Crystal Palace in the first three o 'clock game of the whole season. I love a three o 'clock on a Saturday, you fucker. Yeah, Everton, weirdly, I think I can have a good season, you know. Yeah, I think they're going to struggle a little bit. Nah, I think Moyes has got them cooking. You're really hot, aren't you? Yeah, really hot. Yeah, a bit hot for football. Are we going to fuck this year? Honestly, it might come to that because what else are we going to do on this show?

11:25The sexual tension, by the way, in the studio these days is rocking. I can't stop sweating. I actually think about having a f*** with you and I think you'll be quite a gentle lover. Everton also hold a historical advantage against the team they're playing. Out of 55 all-time meetings across all competitions, the Toffees have won 24 times. In the 25-26 campaign, Everton finished with a slightly better overall form, earning 1.3, 2 points per game compared to Palace's 1.18. Crystal Palace are 6-1 to be relegated. I think that's big odds. Do you ever think like when Gary Neville and Carragher's in the studio, there's like sexual tension?

12:01Like, no, generally. No. Why are you thinking about that and why are you licking your lips? Palace of Palace is 6-1 to be relegated. I've literally just said that. 25, 26 season, everything finishes slightly better. Do you want to know a better fact? A better fact. A better... Ah! Do you know our new Prime Minister? Yes. He's an Everton fan. Is he? Oh, yeah. He's Tom Scales. He's here. We've got the Prime Minister and a mariachi band and a wolf. And Frank Lampard. And Frank Lampard. Yeah. Subscribe. Roll VT. Welcome to the studio, Andy Burnham. Sorry, Mr. Prime Minister. Just call me Andy. How are we today?

12:45Oh, wow. That's a weird accent he just came out with. It's just how we talk from up in Liverpool. What's your current thoughts on the state of the country and what you're going to do to save us? That can all wait mate. We're looking at Everton and how we can get Everton to go and push the limits of football. You've got South African. I don't know what to do. You said you had a scout scout. I thought, I only have Jimmy Carriger. Do that then, pretend just not a student. If you stop it right there! I've locked it in. Right, let me lock it in. Let me just sing Spurrier of the Blue. Let me look at it back in.

13:19Liv, you're stopping right there. Right there. Liverpool. Liverpool. Party the body. And also, Mr Prime Minister, what have you come in today? These are my day-to-day clothes around Everton. You know, I'm here to save Everton's season. You know what I mean? Like, that's why I'm promised. I don't know how to do it. You're the most unprofessional Prime Minister I've ever met. Why are you talking like that? I come to Liverpool.

13:47How do the spirit of the blues words go? I don't know. Everton, he never shines so bright. Everton, I don't know how I'm a guy. Everton, I like to go and eat fried rice. I don't know what the words are. Tony Bellew, I am Andy Burnham. I don't know what to say. Everton! No problem, baby. I'm the Prime Minister. Hey!

14:30Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hi-ya! I'm Andy Burnham. My name is Andy Burnham. I like Everton. And I'm the Prime Minister I don't know much else about him Cause I don't follow politics I am Andy Burnham On the Prediction Show I am gonna have an orgy With all of these men here With all these men Okay, that's enough No, no, fuck off No, fuck off, fuck off No, seriously, seriously, fuck off I'm fucking stupid Get out! Get out! Security, get out! I'm not a fucking player! I'm getting out! I'm the fucking Prime Minister! Listen to me! Do whatever you want. Yee-haw!

15:31Andale! Andale! Andale! Andale!

15:40Andale! Andale! Andale! Viva Mexico! Viva Mexico! And stay out! And stay out! Right, you need to join my side more. You need to join my side more. You've seen one of them. Do you know what? One of them whispered to me in the toilets. He went over and he whispered to me in the toilet. He said, I'm gonna go and have f*** with your missus. And I was like, what the f***? He did? I was like, what the f***? He said, he said, he said, he explained it in graphic detail. Can I just say that? In graphic detail. You keep asking for help. But unfortunately when the music comes in my body and soul I just want a vibe

16:20To the next guy with a week oh no we need to do prediction Andy oh yeah, I'm and you burn the money go first turn a palace. I'm gonna go for Like a 2-2 draw who ever simply again ever turn a flying palace at home I'm gonna play in the shoe. You guys really is I'm gonna say a 2-0 Everton. Oh Yeah, I think everything's gonna be decent this season. I think Palace are gonna be shit. Their turn! No, don't. They'll come back. They'll come back. Why are you not? Why is not? Right, moving on to the next game of the weekend. We've got another video clock out. We've got a brand new team to the league. Not that brand new.

16:51They've been in the Premier League before. However, Sunderland. Sunderland, Sunderland, Sunderland. The pride of the North East. They're going down this season, mate. Will you admit they're the pride of the North East? No, going down this season. Can't be past these to have more pride. Can't be past these. They have to fly from Newcastle to get to Spain, man. They are the part of the North East. Yeah, they'll be flying from Newcastle for the Europa Games, who really is the winner. And they're taking a long old trek down to East Anglia because they're taking on the Tractor Boys.

17:31I'm the Tractor Boy. And I'm you to stay. They knew? They knew round here. They knew round here. Where are you from? You alright? How's your kids? Oi Petal come round here. Happy Christmas and I. Oi Petal come round here sit on Papa's lap. You're new round here yeah? Yeah. Tell me about your hopes and dreams maybe I'll make one happen. But you've got to do a little something for me.

17:54He meant it as well. He really meant it. Go and sit on Papa's lap. Oh! Ipswich Town carries solid momentum into the new season, as they had a five-match unbeaten streak across all competitions towards the end of last season. Despite Ipswich's recent edge, the overall recent head-to-head record remains evenly split, Lewis, with each team claiming four victories alongside two doors. Yeah, and despite Ipswich's recent edge, the overall recent head-to-head record... Are you winding me up? I was helping with the reason. I'm doing it on purpose. What do you mean? No, I'll - I've read it, you thick. So what do I do?

18:35Nothing, just sit there and be an idiot. Dance with - aye. Dance with the gal then. I don't want to, because - I don't want to. Go on. I don't have the confidence anymore. I tried to do that in real life. I tried to do it in real life and they just laughed at me. They said - they said, hey, look at this white boy trying to dance. We're at the cookout and the gal then, three gal then. POV, you're at the cookout and three gal then we're dancing up, yeah? I just don't have compliments anymore. Damn, damn boy. You, you look, oh, you looking thicker than a bowl of oatmeal.

19:14Hey guys. Right, it's your turn to go first. Score. I think it's gonna be, ooh, I think it's gonna be 1-1. I'm gonna go for a 2-1 away win, Sunderland. Son of a man. Right, moving on. Nottingham Forest's take on Leeds. This is a proper game, this. Proper, historic British game. Two big clubs. Won stuff in the past. Big sets of supporters. Apparently, on average, Nottingham have the largest penises in the UK. That's fucking bullshit, man. Who's got them then? Well, when I go down...

19:50That can't go, bitch. You know what I mean? Across all conditions, Leeds have scored 24-2. That's fine. He scored 87 goals compared to Nottingham Forest's 20 wins and 72 goals. We've got a lot of historic facts for you today, boys. They're actually scheduled to follow up this match with an immediate rematch. It's like WWE. I'm having an immediate rematch tomorrow, brother. They're having a money in the match match. A money in the match? There's money in the match match. They're having a money slot match. Oh, if you want to have your own money slot match, sign up to dabble. Do you know what a money slot is?

20:23Is that where you insert your penis? No, it's another word for a vagina. They're scheduled to actually have an immediate rematch just three days later on the 25th at the city ground in the EFL Cup. And Forrest have just completed the signing of Diamande from Sporting. A very highly rated centre half. What's the back bit called if the front's the money slot? Dirtrack. It's so lowbrow isn't it? It's so lowbrow. No, that is disgusting. It's called a chocolate starfish. It's you to go first here. No, you're going to Forest Leeds. Give me a play-dick-chamble, please. It's like a magic star, isn't it?

20:57Forest Leeds, I'm going to say... I can see a little 2-1 Leeds. Desmond, 2-1. I actually agree. That's annoyed me a little bit. I'm going to go 3-2 Leeds. By the way, kind of golden result as well. Thank you very much. I'm going to go 3-2 Leeds. That's a great golden result because I don't even mind you flipping it, so it's just fucking class. Moving on to the evening game. It's the evening. It's a fucking London Derby. It's a fucking London derby, you c*** You have to mute that It's West versus North I'm sweaty, I'm angry And I want fucking trouble Alright? I don't think they talk like that though This is the shit one What did Brentford talk like?