Berlant & Novak Remix: Call the Front Desk

0:00Hello! Hags, eavesdroppers, free feeders, and premium subscribers. as hinted, change is afoot. Make sure you're signed up at poogpodcast.com for big updates ahead. This month, we're working hard behind the scenes to get everything ready. In the meantime, we've got a trove of special episodes celebrating the past 15 months of Berlant and Novak. Now please enjoy the celebration episode, Berlant and Novak Remix, Call the Front Desk.

0:39Well, I have a huge question. Okay, say it now. What is a four-star hotel? What is a three-star hotel? I think that's corrupt and over. In my mind, it's like each star is just like, it's going to be that much dirtier. And that's not what it is. It actually has to do with amenities and it even has to do with location, supposedly. Can you imagine? So, oh, it's four-star because it's right next to the museum. And you're like, what? I was not factoring that in. if you could promise me if there was a standard that had to do with cleanliness that was its own system yeah what's a symbol for cleanliness like four brooms it's a four broom hotel a three broom hotel okay so i'm completely i can't hotels that don't have a nespresso in the room they don't it's now it's just have we brought this up it needs to be standard now it's it's well and because some hotels here's a spirit you go in there no nespresso you can like call down for it or something the ledlow will send one up to the small room that doesn't have one exactly but or request an i have i have to say something i stayed at an ace hotel in brooklyn a couple years ago they didn't have a fucking they had a guitar i'm not okay i'm not joking you they had a they had a record player my room didn't have a guitar but it had a fucking record player yeah and no nespresso it had a it had a it had a kiosk full of vintage jackets for sale in your room it had an army surplus uh my kiosk and it didn't have an espresso so i'm booking hotels right i call the toronto ace i go hi can you tell me what your coffee situation is in the room she goes yes you would have to come down to the lobby for coffee lobby for coffee lobby for what was the going in my brain lobby for coffee ace not a cheap hotel right like and i know this is the thing kate what i go i can't stay with you you had my dollar you had my and me waking up oh i guess i'll get dressed and go down to the lobby to get coffee oh my god by the way not every hotel waiting in line even in the lobby well that's for sure.

2:51And it's horse piss. If you do, if you do. Okay, I mean, but I'm always I'm always happy. Yeah.

3:02When you're milking, you're like, you're like, on the farm. You're a farm hand. It's always like late in the session. So it's like, it's old. And it's like coffee should never come out of it like coffee is not meant to be no okay i mean it's fine i'll take it you know like yeah there's a charm at a gas station okay i used to smoke cigarettes i used to get the green mountain okay coffee okay it was a charm but also like this this sort of like coffee in the lobby at 4 a.m between 4 and 5 30 they're like it's there yeah and then it's drippings later yeah They've usually cleared it. And then I think it needs to be in room Nespresso.

3:46I mean, my father, he's like, if he doesn't have it in the room, he's like, he's up at four. So if they don't have it downstairs and they won't send it out. That's wild. You know what I mean? Would you stay at the Ace with no Nespresso? Given this? Because I'm literally looking at the numbers. It would be a series of factors. I'm looking at the numbers. I'd have to wait. And I go, and I was like, do I literally go to the Four Seasons because it has a fucking espresso. Do you know what I mean? Like, I'm not going to pay that much of a premium. This is where people, this is where a company can get customers, okay?

4:22They go, we're going to offer what you care about, okay? So they're going to go, like, remember I was telling you about amenities being related to what star level star hotel is? People don't care about the same amenities they might have used to, right? Right. Like I'd rather an espresso machine in the room than trying to think of an amenity that like they think you're excited about. Like, you know, like a closet that's really elaborate. You know, these like things like businesswoman closets, you know, like that are very old school, like for my valise and my unfolding suit. I mean, I guess whatever you got, you got to iron your suit.

5:01You got to iron your suit. So now I'm like, you got to have an iron traveling. Sure. I mean, an iron is easy. Right. But like, I'm trying to think like, what's a good example of a movie that... I know, what is it? Like a... Well, I mean, I would say Ace lose the guitar, right? Let's lose the fucking guitar. And get a deal with Nespresso going, right? Or... I'm going to write a letter. Maybe I should write a letter to Ace corporate. Yeah, I mean... Do they think it's charming? Because the Ace for me has a place in my heart. I go Ace, I go, well, I think quality or something. I think I'm picturing a Cortana.

5:30It's more like, I think the Ace offers aesthetic where there was none. it started as aesthetic for cheap well it's you and me in portland yeah and that's what that's why i'm attached to it because i have a sentimental attachment and i in portland campus i think it was portland had to ditch ditched one hotel i was trying out ran to the ace remember i left a hotel by like going down to the basement and exiting because there was a bug on the bed it was like i picked like i booked the bridal suite or whatever like i booked like like loretta lynn like suite or something okay it was like a round bed but there was like a bug on it and i was like i'm out but i kind of do remember took my shit downstairs my suitcase and went out through like the kitchen in the basement and then called them and said i've left that's amazing pleasing okay like i couldn't get out and go yeah like i just don't want to be here like do you tell them there was a bug yeah and i'm like by the way by the way i went straight to the ace yeah but the ace is industrial you know at times to a fault okay and sometimes they have sometimes you want the cheesy luxury oh i mean yeah cheeseball luxury over that i don't mind the austere or it's not even austere it's like no no it's the they're like we don't this isn't your this isn't your grandma's hotel yeah yeah and and sometimes to a point of rudeness like sometimes it's like it's a little too much record shop in the in the lobby and like you know whatever my friend comes in they go oh well you know what where are you from she goes atlanta they go i hate atlanta it's like oh my god that's so funny you know what i mean like yeah yeah you know yeah yeah i but but yeah the ace is like i don't know i don't know what it is it's i guess it's like these places where where they're like but by the way i think i'm about to go i think i'm gonna go to an ace i'll still i'll still choose an when it's like$500 more just to stay at four seasons then I go well the night I was at the I mean I know what I'm getting there rudeness okay and a clean sort of a clean simplistic whatever kind of yeah and I tolerate that they think that it feels like at times they push we're all artists here okay to a point of bullying you into getting your coffee from a local coffee shop where it's like you guys just won't put coffee in the room and so now you're trying to make it trying to sell it as enjoy the neighborhood you know what i mean and that i don't think is cute like own it you don't have the fucking coffee i don't know like yeah you're willing to pay at these prices oh damn i might call again and go could you put an espresso in my room right and they'll go oh my god we don't have those yeah and I go well really quick I'll say and I'm sure I've talked about this on the pod but no need to be quick when I stayed at a hotel and it was a nice room it was like I had I got an upgrade or something happened it was like a suite they're like well we've actually upgraded you to a suite and I go oh or the loft king or some shit go in there nice room walking around drop my bags go into the bathroom open the toilet seat What's the worst thing you could find?

8:44I'll tell you what it is. Inside the toilet? I mean, I think it would be shit and a bloody tampon and piss. Well, it was shit and blood. So I have two out of the three. There was... And you can't say there wasn't piss in there. There probably was because one often leads to the other. And there was shit and blood. And I go, it was like so shocking because the room was so pristine. It was like a mystery. it was like the toilet was pristine otherwise like i was like what happened here so then i call down i go hi um do you immediately panic that this is your kink that they're gonna think this is your kink that you go into a pristine hotel room you make the worst thing you can have happen into a toilet and then you call them up and make them look at it and it was the discomfort on their face okay it was uncomfortable it's just the voice even And it was uncomfortable to tell her the truth.

9:38Cause I go, yeah, no, the room's great. God, yeah, I don't know how to say this, but there's shit and blood in the toilet. And like, she was like, oh my God, like, I am so sorry. And I was like, yeah, I'm going out to dinner or something. So, and then it was like, I had to leave the room. I came back and like, so do you go room comped for that? No, but it's pretty shocking. Well, I had an experience where I had to come down and say, room's great, bed covered in mouth shit. No. Or what I pretty sure is mouth shit. All I know is it's smeared. It's smeared when I touched it with a toothpick or whatever.

10:17And then they moved my room, but they also diagnosed it as there was this like heating vent above the thing and all the dirt coming in. So I think it actually was dirt. It makes more sense. Yeah. Because a night had not passed. I just, I believe it, but I still moved rooms just like to feel fresh. You know what I mean?

10:42I had an experience in a hotel this week. Really? And there was an experience of, and I've waited for this day to come, housekeeper seeing me naked. Do you remember what happened to me? No. It happened to me in an expensive hotel because, of course it does. It's totally irrelevant. This was an expensive hotel too. and you know it's like whatever were you full frontal it was like kind of here's what it was or getting out of the tub it wasn't even the shame at the nudity it was the shock of i was being put up in a room sorry sorry and here comes it's about to get worse the room was so big i couldn't hear her knock but it's true i was in like the shitting area because it was like the thing of like oh yeah you know it's like the living room the kitchen is the bedroom and i was staying alone in it so i I really was like, or I just was like feeling really free, like clothes scattered.

11:34And I was in a separate bathroom with a door. But the point is I couldn't hear her knocking. And then, yeah, something unspeakable happened in the bathroom. Really? Well, no, no. Oh, you used the toilet. I did what bad people do. The boys' room. Yeah. And then I glued to my phone because I've relapsed on Instagram. and I nakedly stumbled out on my phone looking down like this. And then what was strange was that she was silently, she was there, but she was like cleaning what didn't make a sound. So I was fully, I was walking toward her without hearing her and she didn't say anything. So then it was almost, it was like.

12:14Like what's that shape? And it was almost what's that shape. It was like I was looking at her and it took me a second to register as a person because like this can't be possible. You're like, I don't remember this art piece. Yeah, I just couldn't. and so and then i i wouldn't say i screamed it's scary when it was still no it was still terrifying yeah exactly so she was yeah she'd been yeah you know but like but instead it was just like complete and so i didn't do a full screen but i was like and then i you know grabbed my robe the whole thing and i was like sorry sorry i didn't she's like i was knocking i didn't hear you know i was like the room's too big the room's too big you know oh yeah let me ask on the big room and then um and then she was like i could like i could just clean over here and i was like but then i was just like get out no of course not but i just was like no it's fine and you know left a big tip sorry you got hey you got to see a little something a little something special embarrassment is is like there's something about nudity with the phone right yeah unless you're like taking a nude yeah like because i feel like the posture when you're using a phone or scrolling is probably like hideous yeah because you're like yeah yeah you're just like you're like distended stomach like yeah yeah and so i feel like there's a little bit of that and then um well because then as soon as she left i was like was i talking to myself probably was i or like i think that when i'm alone yeah like like just like i think i do that but then i was like i could have been singing i could have been monologuing i could have been doing a you know full-throated confession i don't think so but maybe i was

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17:11So two years ago, if you can believe it, when we were doing the Pug Christmas tour, the inaugural Pug Christmas tour, we were going to Philadelphia and Jacqueline Novak, again, through AMX, had booked us at the Ritz and I was getting excited because I was like, it's my first Ritz. And, you know, the Ritz, this is one of those kind of tentpole luxury hotels. My first Ritz, just that language. Yeah, yeah. And so I got excited because, like, oh, the Ritz. And then I get into the room and I was like, okay. You know, it wasn't, it was, by the way, it wasn't shit. I spent three months warning you, okay?

17:44You were like, don't get all, like, the Ritz, the Ritz, yeah. Because I had also booked our travel, basically, like to get the benefits and the upgrades and whatever. So I was all excited about the Ritz. Jack was warning me, don't get too excited. Don't get too excited on my first Ritz. And I was sort of, I had felt this whole, there was a lot on me. Like if Kate said anything negative about anything I had booked, like I was really sensitive. Like again, when I go into my night archetype, okay, on Kate. And, you know, we all, I mean, you can imagine. Imagine you're with Kate Berlant, okay? and you're responsible for the sensuous properties, the environment.

18:25Imagine holding that responsibility. Meanwhile, and don't forget, she's cheap. She's cheap. She's a cheap bastard, okay? By the way, I have changed. So she also comes from you with the prices. She comes from you with the prices. So I have changed, and here I am. Last night, because we're going to do, I texted Jack that I go, I treated myself to the Four Seasons. So I'm on tour. She knows I'm the only person that she has to, the moment she starts to type, Like, I gave myself an early birthday present. Okay, she has to, like, qualify because, you know, whatever. By the way, and I got a great deal.

18:55Okay, keep going. So we get in, and I could see the Ritz, the Ritz. Okay, she's fixing it on tonight, the Ritz. Can I believe it? My first Ritz, okay? And then I'm like, just don't freak out. Like, just don't overblow it. And then that was a classic way. She gets through a room. She starts sending me photos of the room. Is your room like this? Comes down to my room. okay you had a better room yeah no no i go no kate okay i sent back the photos you go you became convinced later okay you're like that vanity like your vanity is like totally different and no my curtains are drawn and i have like i have the sconce on okay versus you flipping on me like overhead no to take photos no you're like actually that is what happened i can find the photos somewhere but the point is so i get photos from you and and it's like to me these photos are curated okay they are they are they are these very specific photos that kate forlant takes when she gets to tell her in my mind she sends them to me she sends them to her mother yeah exactly exactly okay there's a few people okay to basically give her peace about whether what she paid for you know she was right to pay for i mean literally kate though that one time like you thought that the vanity on the sink in the bathroom was different and i just didn't even be like the same one i mean no no it was amazing that the perception the the the the live perception so i get the disease that we panic clouds the mind okay so i get this last night's this classic hotel shop okay it it looks borderline shot by the hotel i know trip advisor clinical like trip TripAdvisor.

20:40Okay, like you've been on TripAdvisor for years. You know, like here's a neutral photo. I'll just be. Wide as hell, right? Right, like to do an assessment. I don't know. It's just like, it's really specific. And when one comes in, I feel like usually if it just comes in, like spraying for the poor seasons and then picture. Yeah. What am I? It means you're asking if it's good enough because I feel like when you're freaking pumped, I get a text that's like, when you're freaking pumped, But when you're freaking pumped, I get a text that's like, holy shit, this is the nicest hotel I've ever stayed at.

21:13Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was me at the Viceroy. I know. The one-bedroom suite. Where I've recorded from there in years past. You know what's funny? It is the one-bedroom suite. The Burlwood. The Burlwood furnishings. Didn't it reignite your interest in Burlwood? Well, I don't even know what Burlwood is, to be honest. But the bedroom with the Viceroy. This happened to me twice. The round curtains. I was at the Viceroy, right. And again, I was put up for work, so I wasn't paying. and I was in the one bedroom suites divine. I went back, great service, love it. I was in not a one bedroom suite, but like the Grand King or something, a lovely room.

21:47But I had been spoiled by the one bedroom suite where I get there and I was staying for four nights and then I called out and I was like, sorry, just how much is, I was like, what's the difference, right? And of course the difference was astronomical. And I was like, oh, right. Like that's what it is. and by the way on hotel talk and this is really funny is that a segment in our show no or a website it's brand new i'm premiering it hotel talk oh no yeah okay okay but but but i'm thinking 15 tier i for those who travel at the so we're just we're saying at the ludlow and my partner later called me on i said this in completely flatly and genuinely i was talking about this I just was like, I said, it's been a tough Ludlow.

22:37No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I go, I go, I go. I said to them completely genuinely. Wait, to who? To Naomi, to my partner. Oh, no, no, I thought you meant, okay, okay. I thought you meant front desk. I thought you meant front desk. No, no, no, no. Okay. So I, for days, for days, because again, I was staying in New York. Friend was out of town. I got to stay at her un-fucking-believable three-story Brooklyn townhouse. Congrats. Yeah, I was insane. Oh, my God. And then I move to a King Ludlow. I get in there, and I've been talking to Naomi all week. I go, baby, I sprung. We're staying in the king.

23:07I get there. I open. I go, this is small. So listen to the queen loft. It's bigger than the king. I know. Kate, hotel talk. King doesn't mean big room. It means king bed. This is so confusing. So I go, by the way, I meant to cross-reference the prices, but I go, oh, my God. So last time, and I wasn't paying. I don't know what was going on. I was at a queen loft, and it was fucking bathtub with the window. So then I get in there, and so here's something that's tough, and this is what made it a tough Ludlow. I take a picture. How do I picture it? You're in the room. There's a huge block. The electrical closet that's in the hall is built into the room.

23:50So there's like a cutout. And so then for days I'm going, so if the electrical closet weren't here, Is that just open floor? Is that just open floor that instead it's the electrical closet? And I go, do they give it to me because I'm staying longer? Like what? Like maybe they roll out. This is another question I have about hotels. If you're staying for more than or do they roll out? Let's give the best room to people who are staying for two nights, one night, entice them. Some person who's here for a week, we've got them trapped. You know what I want to do? The first guest, the first guest ever for a hotel manager, hotel manager, anyone will do.

24:26And you can, anonymity will blur your voice. And yeah, that's it. They're like, they're like, it's like, the throes. They're like, the throes are never washed. They're like, because you know my belief that throes are never washed. Anything that's like. Well, of course I rip it off the bed. You get into a hotel. I immediately rip off the throes. And the pillow. The decorative tables are soaked and cum. Yeah. The decorative pillow is straight on the floor. Some businessman's putting it under his wife's ass so he can go deeper.

25:01I'm throwing that on the floor.

25:06No, it's like, I mean, I've talked about this before, but I had a concept soaring on caffeine about a hotel where everything's metal and wood, okay, but mostly metal, plus washable cloth. All copper. All copper, okay. The first all copper hotel. Okay. The copper in!

25:29Okay, no, but here's the key. Here's the key, okay? So I developed, in my mind, a line of furniture that everything is. There's not a piece of cloth in the room that isn't completely freshly laundered before you enter. Okay. So it's a design-construction issue, okay? So, for example, there's a chair in the room. But that chair is made of, let's just say, copper and cloth. For its antiviral properties, I want to be clear. And cloth that, so the cloth is like a sling, let's just say. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So it's washed each time. It's washed each time. I would even take, I think, I'm not sure, the interior pillow.

26:15Okay, the interior pillow is encased in plastic or whatever, something. Okay. And then that, okay, then that is a copper pillow, essentially, or whatever. And then that isn't a fresh. So you go in there, it's like your room is made of copper and white sheets. Yeah. Essentially. Yeah. In different degrees. You could twist up a white sheet and it's, like, you twist it up. You could do anything. Yeah. Twist up your own sheet. You see what I'm saying? Like, it could become a roll. Oh, the copper is making me laugh. But my huge question was, do you open it as a hotel? Or is it the kind of thing that instantly, every hotel is going to start offering it?

26:47Because it's going to become a new standard. And then so the question is, do you instead start the furniture and the linen design company that offers this? Right, and get your patent on that. Yeah. And by the way, you hear an idea on this podcast and I don't get 99%. You can have 1 % if you want to actualize. I think that actually the logical next step of Poog is you going on Shark Tank with something. You could get on. I have too many ideas. You could get on. I mean so many but wait but no no yeah take me back but just but no but it's just the love though so wait hang on so I get into the room right the electrical closet thing I hardly even understand it was like after the first night I was like what's the box I was like what the fuck is going on that there's like a there's like a huge box into the room I mean when I'm in but when I'm in the room still love the love listen to me but when I'm in the room I'm like because I've been talking up to Naomi honey I got us the king okay all fucking leaked like an idiot and then I I call down I get there I call even talking about the box I call the front desk I go hi um no no no let's say this voice every time not because of the box I go I go hi um just got into the room I just wanted to confirm i'm sorry i have to interrupt no it's fine hi i just um i'm just wondering if the box wasn't there would that be for space

28:20no i want to okay so i say go hi i just wanted to confirm um this is the the the king and he goes yes you're in it you're in a king and i go oh okay i'm wondering because the last time i was there um i was you know frankly the room was bigger or whatever yeah and i was like could you tell me what room i was in last time he and he looks up instantly he goes yeah you were in the queen loft and i and and that's you know a bigger room and i go oh huh no no no okay and then i kind of did But you go, but why is it bigger if king be queen in a card game? Exactly. I just meekishly was like, oh, okay. The room's great, you know.

29:03And so then we're there, the electrical closet box. Did I take a picture? It'd be kind of shocking if I didn't. I could have warned you, I think. Warn me about what? The electrical closet? You're going, I think I'm going to book a king, right? Oh, my God. I would have been like, I might have been able to warn you. Never leave the house without matches if you want to keep romance alive in your relationship. Oh. Yeah. You mean so you can leave the house? Light a cigarette. street when you're sharing no so you can uh use the facilities in the shared restroom at the hotel when you're staying in a hotel with a lover that's disgusting so i go in there it smells like a match and i'm instantly brought to to i instantly know like the sense of a burnt match to me is basically equivalent to the scent of fecal matter disagree it's almost worse you know why disagree It's almost worse.

29:49You know why? Because then you're proudly inhaling match smell, knowing that you're almost being tricked into having a more free breath, okay, versus it kind of being gross in there and you kind of just breathing like an inch at a time. No, I can't tolerate that. You're already deeply inhaling the match. Yes. Well, I'm not doing that. It's just like all I want to say is I've never smelled anything bad in the bathroom. And that's from this. Okay. Oh. But wait, but Jacqueline, just to, but just the Ludlow really quick. So I, the electrical closet, and then I said to Naomi completely genuinely, just like I was like, I said, it's been a tough Ludlow.

30:34Or it was like in the middle of a sentence. It was like this, this, this, that. Like, it'll be good to go there because, you know, it's been a tough Ludlow. And they, of course, like laughed. And I felt very seen. And then, and I told them, like, that they had a tough Ludlow. It's also a narrative. it's a narrative it's you it's you make some pains assigning a value

30:56so i go into the room and i and i do i name the hotel so it's a lodge it's a it's a it's a longer river business will only unless there's issues with the hotel otherwise but but like paranormal business will be booming so you might as well okay so it's called the riverside lodge and I sounds about right. It's kind of one of those things where it's sort of a converted motel. I didn't look up how old it was. I should now, but where the rooms are kind of updated. So I get, and it's big, like it's a huge property. They're like, okay, there's this building. There's this building. There's that building.