Episode 050: "Go Buy a Smile"

0:00Keep it classic and cozy this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince. Go to quince.com slash hags for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's quince, Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash hags to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash hags. Two best friends, both alike in dignity. Nurturing phantoms and courting the muse. The hag divines when something must die. Yes, that was Poogh. But this is huge. The ego loves to seek. But never to find. It was Berlant and Novak. the whole time. Good morning. It's me live from Los Angeles to you. Of course, the podcast is not live except for on rare occasions.

0:44Good morning. Hello. How are you? You have the eye gels on again and I am filled. I'm doing it basically because I look so busted that it's like, I don't know, something about it. Just covering the face however I can. Totally. I had a, I woke up. Good morning, poog, by the way. Morning, poog. It's good morning, poog. Imagine this, waking up at 7.15 a.m., feeling tired but also fine. I sprung into action and I was like, I'm going to make pancakes. I fully made a pancake. Guess what? Fucked it up. Inedible. Really? Pancakes aren't easy. Well, you know, remember I was doing the pancake scramble because I was like, fuck it.

1:27It's too hard. Yeah. So you just scramble it up like scrambled eggs. And it's surprise, surprise, delicious. That's actually, I made a stupid recipe, like some protein whore. Oh. And she was like, you need one-to-one baking flour. I was like, what's that? No, I don't. Oh. Yeah, you do. And the inside was jelly. And it was just like, it was such a sweet thing. I was like, oh, make pancakes for us. And then I botched it. And then I shut down. And then, but I'm fine. I'm climbing out. Like a child on Mother's Day. I know, I know. You know, like, someone had a joke or a post or something about that once, if anyone knows the source.

2:06But just like the mother being forced to eat like raw egg in bed on like. Totally. You know, because like the kids do this performance of breakfast in bed for the mother. And then has to clean up the pancake mess. Oh, right. That too. I forgot about that. They have to have the worst breakfast of their life followed by. They have to eat Cheerios inside of an orange juice. Yeah. and then clean it all up but they love it but they love it all my life i want money and power okay i'm flying because i was up at six from jet lag oh of course love going west yeah jet lag west really does rule jet lag west is is a whole new lease on life by the way belief that like you know i'm gonna maintain jet lag west like this is this is just when i get up now 6 a.m.

2:56Do you want to hear a little more about the feelings of returning to Los Angeles after eight, seven months? Because it's pretty profound from a Pugian level, right? Like this, this will not be able to be recaptured in a couple of days. Maybe I'll slip back in, you know, like fully, but right now a couple of things. Okay. One, I get home. And why am I home? I flew back for an appointment, which is unheard of. I did everything I could to change it, whatever. Oh, by the way, another thing we should talk about. Flew 11. Actually, it was quick. 10 something hours from London to LA, nonstop. Like it was nothing.

3:44Kate it just didn't bother you once again flew it flew Kate same shit me in a chair it's one long moment what's the same shit how did it fly no I mean same shit as in like you know the way that five hours flies for me is like two seconds this was only at the last two hours I was like alright I'm kind of ready to get off this plane and so I watched a movie so I watched a movie at the end what were you doing the previous hours I guess. Working. Wow. I can't even imagine. With diminished Wi-Fi, which, you know, if I had the energy, I'd go complain. I'd go, that Wi-Fi was bullshit. Yeah. So I was really just sending text messages and seeing them not happen, whatever.

4:30You got a couple. But, by the way, I really appreciate on Virgin. First of all, they were like, we appreciate you choosing Virgin because we have 100 planes. We are a small airline. I was like, what? Whoa, 100 planes? I was like, oh my God. That's pathetic. I didn't know that. It's sort of scary, but then I was like, maybe actually it's not. Maybe they're really on top of their stables. Yeah, exactly. Or their stable, you know? And then they said on both flights, they were like, I think one of them was the captain, was like, yes, there'll probably be some turbulence given this is a transatlantic flight, but there is absolutely nothing to worry about.

5:11I love it. And I really appreciated that. Yeah. I also have a new trick for, I guess I have a lot to report is what I'm telling you, okay? Yeah. I have a new trick for tolerating turbulence, which is, it's really interesting. I crank up the tunes, okay? And kind of the like, you know, back that ass up or something, okay? Yeah. I'm like, and then it becomes like. I've done that. And it changes it from kind of a certain kind of fear to. To a ride. Yeah. So that. Yeah. That was significant. And then I had an interesting middle seat scenario and a miracle involving. You were in a middle seat. So I book it, you know, the night before or whatever, as usual.

6:01Right. The only seats left, whatever, me and Chris are both in middle seats in the center. so it's the three it's three-er in a center row i'm having a panic is that you we're both in middle of him behind me okay oh my god all right i'm not worried okay i trust so we get there um by the way another meltdown where i i up i upped it to economy delight because i read online that that has an outlet after a near meltdown on the plane there when i was in economy and discovered no outlets in the seats okay oh my god thank god welcome to product corner we had two full of my anchor batteries oh yeah that we have to have it at all time yeah yeah a computer okay i travel with two yeah so king anchor rides again yeah we get there there's a good ready for this so i get back i get to my seat it's the middle three there there's there's a woman on the on the left seat of the middle three.

7:01I start making my way into my seat, the middle. She gasps and says, I was planning to sleep. Now I go, what? I guess she goes, when did you book this? No. Yeah. She books her seat going, no one's going to choose that middle seat. That seat's mine. She thought she was next to an empty. Yeah. Yeah. And so I go, I even raised my volume a little bit for fun. okay i go like last minute i live that last minute life or something okay like literally went for it and she was like i'm of course i don't of course i'm not like actually whatever but i sit down and it's full like can't tell what's arm and what's fabric exactly but like full ownership of the seat uh uh the the you know the the rest right without any negotiation about like who's gonna have the rest yeah she takes it and i felt like i was being punished a little bit for.

7:58That's crazy. She's like, well, I thought. Yeah. That's, that's insane. So I was like, all right, all right. But then slowly we start to go, oh my God, it looks like the two seats to left and right of Chris behind me are empty. Okay. Now begins that, is anyone else going to go for these? Should I move the whole thing? They go in the things in the air. You're welcome to move. Okay. And I'm praying and praying. I keep thinking like, we're on this, like, did they close the doors yet thing you know like yeah yeah we're like i think we're all seated you know and i get up and i switch and then me and chris had our own row which was three seater the three of us we literally each took the wings okay and left the space between us okay oh you know as like a because ultimately that is more comfortable and um you know everyone sat down began their professional tv watching you know they got they got into their tv pause like okay what are we doing today and i yeah i joined the i joined the group at the end i watched um uh companion really enjoyed it what's that it's um it's great modern horror it's a sheer blast did you see the hugh grant horror yes did you okay how was it no not scary no no i would i i mean i don't want to say anything about it but definitely worth a watch okay like like i'd love to actually analyze it post you seeing it um and then so anyway that that was obviously huge um i had yeah yeah good going no no you you know i've i have a lot to report so like we shouldn't i could just talk the whole time and I don't want to.

9:44So I want to tell you about the return, et cetera. Yeah, report, report. All right. You sure? But break in with observations and insights, okay? This is the report section where you report the travel insights. So I found the spirit on Virgin to be quite nice, I must say. I found it. I don't know. The uniforms are unbelievable. I mean, let's get real. There was a display section outside the Virgin Lounge, which I only had access to on the way there and didn't on the way back. And that was the whole thing. But an interesting interaction at the Amex Lounge, which appeared like a glimmer in the desert.

10:25After we thought we weren't getting into anything, I go, oh, Chris, look. Oh, my God. Yeah. The Centurion, unexpected Centurion, go in. chris was like this is like a back like like i'm i'm going to work at like the dmv or something like the entrance though to get to the amex was so heinous and then we got there huge line had to put in no they did a text message thing and i had one of these things where me and the guy at the desk were locked in a i was like it we were like two like jousters okay we were locked in a game of who was going to be more convenient and to the point and on it than the other because he was doing the thing where he was expecting me to be like to not have the information ready and like like and very like so and i could see this happening now so i walk up and i'm like i don't know what i need to say exactly but we're at the amex line so i'm going to attend and go i go i've got two amex platinums here to show you you know like yeah yeah like and then i'm like realizing i was saying nope they always need the boarding pass they actually fucking everything it's kind of annoying so and he's like whatever he says his thing and he's obsessed with saying it'll be at least 20 minutes okay yeah at least whatever but but then and then he's like well i'll need your phone number and i'm like 917 you know like i start in right and it was like it was like very like well played sir like like we both we both did our best with like veiled competitive like sort of jovial hostility it was it was it was a good time it was a good time i can see you exactly doing it yeah so anyway we eventually made it in there what am i eating at the amex lounge was that the question yeah no no i wanted to know you were eating on the flight oh on the plane i forgot well i brought a roasted veggie thing yeah i i ate a pasta i'll just say I on a flight.

12:19Delicious. JetBlue Mint had been a while. They still have the ice cream that made us scream. Yeah, the semi-fredo. The semi-fredo. But I on the way back, I boarded hungry. I think it was a seven o 'clock flight. And so by the time I'm up there, I go, okay, I want the food. I had the pasta. There was like a pesto, like a simple pesto pasta. I had the most, this is the best way to fly. obviously work paid for. I had a first class flight. I always feel the need to, of course, preface it with that. Because I'm cheap. I would never pay out of pocket. And I boarded. It's Emmys night. I'm watching the red carpet at takeoff.

13:05Yes, sweetheart. We take off live TV because of JetBlue. It was an Emmy JetBlue perfect convergence. That's unreal. Yeah, thank you. So I was watching the Emmys uninterrupted live. the pasta arrives. I was almost like paddling my feet in ecstasy. The pasta was fabulous. It was very simple, very good. What? Pomodoro? What? I couldn't believe it. It was like a, it was just a simple pesto. I forgot already. Sorry. I leaned tomato out of my own fantasies. Yeah. Yeah. It was just so easy to enjoy it. And there was one, and it was tragically a PA announcement during Hannah Einbinder. No. Shout out to Hannah's acceptance speech.

13:47each other's like this is my friend yeah yeah moments to pause for the pa like and we're sorry for the interruption don't waste time saying sorry for the interruption get to the message and bring us back exactly bring me back but um i i mean that was euphoric so the pasta i'm sitting there i'm watching the emmys it's heaven so i've heard and i'm always fascinated by this the airplane stomach ache right the flight stomach ache oh the uh bloat And yeah, and it hits me, it can really hit me where I'm in pain. And so I try to eat very light on a plane, whatever. So this was, I hadn't, I hadn't had like, so I have to say I ate the full bowl of pasta and there was a gorgeous little roll with butter.

14:31I go, let's party bitch. Yeah. It was the butter ice cold. You know what I mean? In a way that I don't even mean that negatively. I actually kind of like that. No, in a way that's nice. No, I know. Sometimes when you bite into butter it's really pleasant it was perfectly room temp it was spreadable as fuck so i have that and then like clockwork i'd say an hour and 50 minutes later so much pain i have to i'm wearing loose pants i have to unbutton i ride completely unzipped and i immediately winnie the winnie the poo pain oh yeah and i want to be clear it's not like it can be relieved it's just like it hurts and i'm like fuck and i am like i had an interesting moment actually because i always carry gas x phase line is the actual brand that i prefer but i say gas x because it tells you what's going on but you know i i always have that emergency in my pill see a lot of people would opt for phase line for that reason yeah i know humiliating so but i want but i say that also like i really i don't mean to get into scatological humor here, but that's not what's going on.

15:41It's not like I'm like, like, I'm not going to do that. It's not happening. It's just like a hard stomach. No, you're trying to make it clear to the people that I wasn't. It's funny. It's like, you know what? Yes. Right. And I don't even, you know, I don't like that word. Right. It's like, if it's deep upper, if it's still in the chest, if it's still in the upper stomach, it's not considered. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. So. So it's not like down below. I had a moment where I took out my little pill case to take, and I thought, and I felt my, my, my fear of being observed is just so interesting in public or just like, I have to constantly perform myself for others.

16:22I know. Or something. And so I thought, Oh, I wonder if they think I'm taking like panic medication, but it's this late in the flight. It'd be weird. There's an hour and change left in the flight. That's not when you start popping pills. So I thought, what does she think? And then anyway, so I take my phase eye and does essentially nothing. I'm not kidding. Kind of doubled over. I'm like, God, yeah. In my chair, like it really hurts. And I was like, fuck. And then get off the plane. Had a moment with, it was so great. And we've never, have we covered this? It's the classic plane thing of like, when you land, do you stand right up?

16:56Do you wait? Okay. This is one of Novak's core tenants. We changed the world with this podcast. Of course. You go about your life as though the plane hasn't landed. Yeah, exactly. Until your road clears. Until there's someone right behind you waiting. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. At which point I get up, by the way, just look down, go one last check, you know, make sure you didn't leave anything. Yeah. I see a glint on the ground. It's my phone, not in a case, just down there. Oh, my God. Anyway, go on. It's huge. It's so funny. So, but I had a moment where we're filing out. This guy behind me is trying to cut through.

17:34By the way, you have a connecting flight to catch? Go right ahead. Like, of course, that's community. We've got people that are going to Australia. You need one of these connectors? They've got it. What? You just move through the crowd. This means connector? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Or I'm connecting? But she has a C. radio so they can't see but you have a you put the letter c across your forehead yeah to make it clear um you had a connecting flight um he it was subtle or not so subtle but he tried to and then his wife go out like harry or whatever and i kind of look i didn't make eye contact but i make a very exaggerated face of horror incredible by the way i i'm living in an old world i still wear my my masks on the plane yeah yeah but like like like excuse me i did kind of one of those like eyes wide like kind of laughed to myself like like wow can you imagine class never forget the historic exactly never forget the historic fight or not fight but when i ripped into that guy at the airport it's one of my proudest moments when i when i said um teach your husband some fucking manners or get a hold of your fucking husband when um this is an old pook episode where I had landed, I think, from London.

18:51I had two gigantic suitcases. It was such a fucking thing. I call my Uber to come pick me up. Oh, right. And it's chaos at the airport. It's LAX. Yeah, yeah. It's a JFK. I think it was LAX. Point is, long line to wait. There's my car. I start with my huge suitcases. I'm really kind of laboring over. You're going from B4 to B3. This is an old Pug episode, right? Had landed, I think, from London. I had two gigantic suitcases. It was such a fucking thing. I call my Uber to come pick me up. Oh, right. And it's chaos at the airport. It's LAX. Yeah, yeah. It's a JFK. I don't think it's LAX. Point is, long line to wait.

19:24There's my car. I start with my huge suitcases. I'm really kind of laboring over. You're going from B4 to B3. That's a little LAX column humor. This guy cuts in front of me, opens the door, starts loading his suitcases into the trunk. I'm looking at the license plate. I know it's my car. I go, oh, very politely. I go, oh, I think. I'm going, I think, right? I go, oh, I think that's actually my car. He looks at me, goes, it's not, and just loads in his stuff. It was so fucking rude. It was unbelievable. And then they zoom off, and I'm sitting there like, what? And then, of course, I get a call from the Uber driver.

20:01Oh, sorry. Yeah. So then I have to wait. He comes back, and then I go, I think I already said something when he did the, it's not, and got in. I said something like, you could treat me like a human. I said something like that. Archivists will have to check the app. Check the app. Yeah. Like, yeah, something like that. He comes back and then I go, I forgot exactly what I said, but I really didn't. I wasn't yelling. I just was like, you know, I was like, and he didn't even, he was too embarrassed to apologize. I thought you yelled, fuck you from a rolled down window. Yeah, I think I did. I think I did.

20:38Because, no, because he was so, and then, and then. You're a fucking asshole? I have to listen to the episode. I have to listen to back to the episode. Because it escalated in some way where I was then yelling. And then his wife kind of went, that's enough. And I said, get a muzzle on your fucking husband or something. Or I said something like, teach him. Wait, she said that's enough to you, right? Yeah. It's interesting. But not because I was going so hard. Just because I was continuing to humiliate him. Right. And then I said something. Was she almost on your side? I wish I knew what the line was.

21:05Like, you know, like in those movies where it's sort of like, okay. Like a mob boss. Like, all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. Totally. Yeah, I don't know. You won't find out where the money is, you know? I have to go back and listen to it. But the point is, I made a face with the guy. It's fine. We're going through. Interesting stuff.

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23:01Okay, so anyway, that is to say the stomachache, I just want to say the stomachache lasted like three hours. and I'm not kidding that kind of stomachache really is painful and I feel like even the next day I felt like full and they make no effort let's get real you know I don't know what I expect them to do and I also don't know because what I read or something was what did they say you know whatever there is in your stomach before takeoff if it's just the natural gases This is your stomach. Yeah. Expand when you get up in the air because of the altitude. So you're kind of, you know, you're kind of fucked no matter what.

23:44That's why I usually just pile on the food. So, yeah, it was – what did I eat? Well, I brought on board a sort of roasted vegetable wrap. I sawed off with the knife that they gave me with their food. I sawed off the gelatinous, you know, sort of soaked end of the wrap. The rest was held pretty well. Yeah. I think I – I forget what they brought first. I just did a series of – like they bring this toasty at one point or whatever. It's like kind of like a grilled cheese and I'm just going to lift it up and I like shake the cheese off of it and just like eat a piece of warm white bread. You know, it's like really – it gets pretty wild.

24:27and then like with what I go you know like I just I was thinking though I could get into a thing if I really I didn't bring the sometimes I really do it right and I really set it up and these are my foods I'm going to enjoy and sort of when they bring out the whatever it's like I was noticing it I was like there's a weird thing on the plane I don't know if it's the there's something the infantilization maybe that leads to just a bunch of people who normally might not eat like a pudding cup. Oh yeah. I know. Yeah. I know. Yeah. Thank you. You know, like everyone like ice cream. Yeah. You know, like, yeah.

25:03Yeah. Um, I didn't have the ice cream. There's also, actually, I will say another thing for Virgin on any of the food that came out, ingredients on it, like a regular package where I could read the allergens, which is not the case on most flights. It is an allergen extravaganza of opacity and no information. It's insane behavior. You'd think they'd be terrified. So there's that. I mean, I've said it before, but the laugh, okay, like in a business class where they emerge and just pop down on your table and open bowl of nuts at minute one. I know. I know. So at least I could see what was what, and then sort of eat around things like a little salad.

25:47I ate the little salad. Basically, I maintained my plant-based situation. And then with maybe some questionable moments, like there was like some biscuit that – no, actually, I think weirdly that biscuit – whatever, it doesn't matter. Fucking Jesus Christ. Okay. Wait, I think actually that biscuit – I might have – All information, sacred, all information, interesting. Anyway, take me back. So, cologne on the plane, not a fan, okay? Oh, yeah. I almost, you know, had to move because of a nine-foot cloud. Oh, no. I mean, cologne and personal space. I got to do an Uber. Black ice. You know, the treat, black ice is hell.

26:34Yeah. I go, okay. Vomited outside the club from a 45-minute car ride where I had too much caffeine and not enough food. When? And so I had the vile car sickness. Vomit. What do you mean outside the club? You mean like. So I arrived at the club. I've held in the car sickness. Oh, no. Through like. Oh, just hearing this is making me. And then I get out. I get out and it's like. Okay. And I crouch down in the corner on a street corner where like arguably. No. Some audience is like going to be coming in. A small venue. You know, it's fine. And throwing up. And it's just throwing up. Oh, the comedy club.

27:08I thought you meant like the Delta Lounge. Yeah. All right. Sorry. Sorry. I know I just jumped back because I remembered and and and I was like I was like mints okay I was like because sometimes when they have the mints or the candy that I need people to listen to me okay I'm talking serious stomach whatever I'm not stomach um the brain thing that's happening that makes it the vestibular whatever gum eating candy whatever non-stop it it it knocks it the fuck out gum will save your ass interesting start chewing the gum before you get in the thing all right Let me give it to you because I feel like I've got so much.

27:44Arrive home. The light is still on. What time? Like eight something maybe, seven something. And I'm really moved by the LED light bulb that I installed a freaking year ago. Just shining in the night. Yeah, I know. This whole time. They never die. Okay. We go to open the door. There are a few packages stuffed behind the screen. One of them is opened. Okay. and and like all right whatever go in push huge pile of mail at the door right get in look around and go all right there's a lot of stuff right because there's a lot of stuff that i was in the process of moving out and getting rid of and downsizing but there were a couple surprises where organization i had done before i left that i didn't know i had done shocked me so i opened my vanity closet aka where all the skincare and stuff lives yeah i gasped it It was beautiful.

28:38All right. Maybe I'll post a picture. Yeah. My closet over there. You know, there were a lot of things I implemented before leaving. So that was huge. Anyway, open the back door so the screen opens. Who comes running meowing but Boo the cat? So sweet. Of course. Okay. Instantly hears us. So sweet. I go out there. I scoop him up. I'm giving him a thousand furry kisses between his ears. I'm petting him wildly, scratching under the chin So cute Baby in my arms And then I was so freaking happy And then in the morning, Chris walks out there He emerges from a bush Tail up in the air, rubbing around Chris's legs So sweet And then I tested yesterday I pulled out the cat dancer It's that piece of wire with a little piece of paper on the end And I tap it against the middle of the trellis That I would normally tap it against I go, there's no way he'll remember You'll hear it in the distance and remember.

29:37He did. He appeared. He came running. And we danced. Okay. We danced and danced. And I see a baby across the way that was like, you know, an infant. Now it's crawling. You know what I mean? It was like. Unbelievable. Times Passage in the courtyard. I know. Times Passage. Shocking. And then we were shocked once again by Los Angeles's weather. Yeah. Balmy sort of. I mean, balmy's not even the right word, but it feels tropical when you arrive from other places. It's been unpleasantly tropical even the last few days. I always felt when I moved to New York, when I came back, I remember home for the first time.

30:14Got out of the car. By the way, this is how old I am. Got out of a yellow cab. Imagine. Right, in Los Angeles? Yeah. Yeah. And now I'm going parents and picking up from the airport. That's interesting. And salt in the air. It smelled like, I couldn't believe the smell of the ocean. Oh. I couldn't believe it. I was like, has it always smelled like this? I cannot believe you could smell it. Smell salt in the air. Santa Monica, baby. Anyway. Wow. Also, I'll just say, guess who wants a kitten? My mom. That's right. We've got two adult cats. She wants a kitten. She wants to choose a kitten. Remember?