Episode 056: "A Moving Banana"

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0:48Good morning, Poog. Morning, Poog. Starts to glimmer. Okay, okay. I'm getting buttons together this morning. I was up at dawn looking up how to have fun buttons where I hit it. And it says morning, Poog. Actually up at dawn? No. 45 minutes ago. Okay, got it. Just making sure. Buttons? Like pins? No. No, remember I was talking about her poog wanting to hit a button? Morning poog. Oh, yeah. Or like poog air. Yeah, yeah, totally. Morning radio. Yeah. I woke so excited. Okay. No, that's not true. That's not true. I woke whatever. And then. Ow. Fuck my cunt. Okay, wait. Oh my God. It truly has become nonstop for you.

1:39Chris, will you bring me a big book? I'm really sorry. I need to lift up my screen. I'm in a bad mood. By the way, you know what's really going around? Sickness. People are dropping like flies and I'm like, fuck. And like, you hear my voice. I didn't sleep so well last night. And you can hear my voice. You hear something, right? What, dryness kind of? I'm not experiencing symptoms. but slightest symptom radar we need a symptom radar button i'm experiencing the slightest you hear it pinging like it's coming your way like tracking the symptoms i feel the slightest by the way i mean it's disgusting but almost like a sore in my in my roof of my mouth almost like a food allergy sore like something wow wow but also i my throat kind of hurt from talking last night talking talking talking i don't know right a classic um a classic the injuries of a woman at dinner can't be denied okay okay the uh okay my vent there goes my vintage pencil sharpener i know you're all going give me a link put it in the hack shop well i could but it would be a link to you know a single ebay oh that's funny the aura ring single ebay item in the hag shop one hag has a chance they better run like because i found the vintage item okay go on sorry what were you about to say no just that i was awake in the night again because of the animal and the fucking cock sucking wall oh right but the point is i thought oh i thought i'm tossing and turning and I go, what is this, six hours of sleep?

3:24And? That might be enough. Or a ring says eight hours, 17 minutes. Wait. Oh. I got more sleep than I thought. So you had a narrative. I was like, I'm awake for hours. I was like, I've been awake for hours. I was awake. This is what's so interesting about, I mean, by the way, is it interesting? Yeah. Time will tell. But I was awake. I thought I was awake for like two and a half hours. I was awake for 50 minutes. See, this is what I'm talking about, okay? it's like interesting this is where and i have this is where the sorry i fell you can see it by the way this is pretty exciting because i got this in um the laundry room this this weighted thing there it was in the laundry room oh this weighted boom arm i was like that's exactly what i need as i was dropping things there because people people in the in the complex leave things in the laundry room for each other?

4:17Yeah. Because by the way, yesterday, sense of time, right? I go, I go, let me just throw these in this thing. We're going to the laundry room. I go, let me just throw these in this thing, right? And I go, I go, and by the way, it's my covers for my outdoor patio, which is their new cheap, but soft, fuzzy covers for my outdoor patio. Your new name is going to be called, you're a patio girl now. Oh, I'm patio lifestyle. It's an extra room. You know, it's like a whole new room. Okay. Okay, by the way, everything got rained on. Remember I tore the trim off? Oh, yeah. Okay, point is, point is, point is.

4:50Sorry. I hope you don't lose what you're talking about. Okay. But I just got to say, I was like, patio girl. Oh, I go one second. I go, this will take one second. Chris goes one second. And I go, I'm going to show him because a lot of times I can do it. It'll usually be a slow second where I'll go, okay, one Mississippi. Yeah. And I'll do it. Now, this time I went to try to stuff these bags into this hamper really quick. These patio covers that were fuzzy. They're cheap, but throw them in the wash. They're the kind that wrap around the elastic. You might want to try it. We have the same burrow patio furniture.

5:20Okay, I'm interested. And you could save the real, the nice look for when, you know, your guests come over and are going to be admiring. Send that item. I almost just took my tits out. I'm excited. Because by the way, it's cheap. It's Cheeps. Cheepsie. It's Cheepsie. It's Cheepsie. Okay. It's cheap. Okay, it's crass. Okay, you're going to be a fan. And yeah, it's from Amazon. Yeah, totally. I'm sorry guys I'm sorry by the way I just took my zinc that I swear by vitamin code raw zinc I just took three pills really okay yeah because I'm not fucking around but wait wait make a note because we got a lot oh no what had Chris bring me Advil because this is headache poog by the way I'll tell you why I got one straight dude Instagram I immediately got a headache and I said bring me Advil you know I begged okay and because sometimes I have to have okay sometimes I need someone to do something for me that guy I can't do it my help because I'll get distracted along the way so anyway there's one Advil here what the hell is going on did I take the other one or did it fall I see it okay I see it it's loose and I see it and here they go 20 minutes from now let's see if it's gone let's see if Advil promise rides again okay cool I love that fast track it okay got it so 809 so don't forget we were because there's seven things so patio what the hell is that it's 9 15 what's the 809 or is it okay no 8 20 are we've technically been recording for eight minutes funny it feels like four to me point is i go one second i start stuffing these wet patio cushions in because my system failed me because i am for chicness without a trim.

7:04The edges got wet. But I go, this is exactly the point of these. Tear them off easy. Throw them in because it's just elastic. Okay. Taking your actual cushion cover off. Welcome to nine months without covers on your cushions. Okay. Because I did that once and the cat hair didn't leave anyway. So, so, because apparently you throw it, you know, it doesn't matter. Okay. Point. I'll send you the product. You're going to go, this is cheap, but I love it. Okay. This is cheap. I get the job done. And then you save it when the guests come over to admire your altar out of the corner of their eye right in the grove okay my altar is not happening yet i know but you i know i know but you pull you pull that you pull the cheap shit off okay you hide it behind an aluminum siding and it's fresh for them so and that's really i need a new coffee table i need a new outdoor coffee table do you think i could beg from burrow again can you imagine well sweetie i got bad news for you anything's possible definitely okay but i got news for your contact like the burrow moved along they told us they'd let us know where they land and we just want to shout you out again maybe someone new maybe there's a new someone new well there's a burrow not that far from me on the braya by the way we've we've gone but you know what you know what i'm actually now considering asking burrow for the kind of thing i never want or give a shit about and go who is even doing that you know a mother of nine right begging for the covers as in as in the like rain cover like the like cover up your patio furniture you know i'm talking about you mean that burrow sells them for like probably like 1200 they're expensive they're expensive and i'm always like well obviously i'm not getting that you know what i mean i won't have to dry naturally now i'm going i think i want it point is point is i go one mississippi two mississippi three mississippi okay and i go all right let's get you real i'm not gonna say throw out this one second thing and then fake it if it's not happening and i got to a good 13 seconds okay 12 to 13 seconds I had it in I'm running after Chris okay and I go I was only off by a factor of 13 okay now 13x because I thought one second it was interesting because I was surprised this is this is unbelievable but my mania yeah by the way all I've had half cap incredible so I want okay I'm speeding because I just I'm trying to get through this because I feel a compulsion to tell you right okay and so i'm just trying to get us back but i have to believe the listeners enjoying it okay there are times where i have to trust the listeners loving it even if you're in hell okay go go because i'm actually packing density go okay all right so so so self-consciousness reigns now all right you've shamed me you've shamed me into submission the audience knew the listener the eavesdropper heard the silence they go go you're gonna cry I'm not.

9:48I'm strong, folks. Years on the road. Okay. So anyway, can't remember. Get to the laundry room. What was I telling? Time. Why? Don't know. I've lost it all. It's gone. Point is. Factor of 13. That's all I heard. What? You're off by a factor of 13. Oh, right. In terms of thinking that it would take one second. So I don't know. I don't know why I was talking about that. Okay. But I did get to tell you about the patio covers. I do want to beg for more from borough i'm in a conversation with i'm going to shout them out in case that in case you know i work something out with them and the shout out becomes relevant yeah you know um vintage concept on um what is it on no i don't it's santa monica industry i don't know yeah it's a gorgeous gorgeous mid-century modern they restore they sell it's lovely okay i you know and i'm in a direct dm no text we moved off to text because i'm trying to get rid of my my gorgeous chrome and velvet heavyweight lounge chair you know point is go on facebook marketplace post it immediately delete go i can't i can't this is like 1997 this is like myspace 97 like this account there's like like like comedian bastards on there from like like totally it's myspace type facebook where you just accept friend requests in the 80s because that was the equivalent of a follower it's disgusting can't do it point is i got so much to talk about today we'll get to it later oh i'm sorry okay well first of all first of all symptom radar is fully accessed and i've already decided or sitting here i go maybe tomorrow i think i might go to pause and we ho and get a drip you'll soar right by my house you could pick me up i love it i would love but i got news for you i got news for you you know where else there's a pause mere studio city bitch down ventura i know but the question is would you ever do well no you would do a drip post workout because that's like It's not like you're, right?

11:44Yeah. You sweat it out and then you go and you fill it up. Yeah. NAD plus. No, too scared. I know, I know. What would you be getting? See, you go to the altar. Wait, wait, I talked about this, right? I talked about this, that I was signing up to get NAD nose spray. I had to talk about this on my health podcast. I go, I need NAD. Were they skewer the latest crazy fat in Wales? No, we don't. We're dead serious. It's a comedy podcast. She is on one today. Half-calf, folks. I repeat, half-calf. No, no. Okay. Hang on. First of all, well, there's nothing. No, health radar. I think we were deep in your health radar.

12:28Symptom radar. Raw zinc. I'm taking it. Considering drip tomorrow, I am supposed to work out today. What are your thoughts? With me? I fucking wish. Oh, honestly. I know. You're going to some fool other than me? Yeah, I know. I have a couple sessions left in a package. Oh. Elsewhere. And you could be dancing. Oh, but I sent you this. It reminds me, because, you know, I have this idea for this non-toxic workout wear that I was designing three years ago. Okay. Do you recall with these natural fibers laced up? Point is, and then I sent you something. I got, as you'd say, horny. Okay. For, I sent you a website.

13:09I was like ecodelights or something.com. This is years ago? What? No, years ago I was trying to design work wear, I mean workout wear, and I still am, okay? Okay. Mere yesterday or so. Where are you, Kate Berlant? Oh, I'm here, honey. You literally going, you literally did Berlant again on a freaking clip. Berlant? She's out of control. Wait, wait, wait. Eco, I said, let's beg for Eco. I sent you a thing. eco cult okay you should be horned up for this this is this is your life okay let's see if it pops up and i sent you directly to the shop these brands okay i go i go see this this is a site where you can just get really fucked up just just if you just want to go down a path why exactly is polyester so bad okay wait poog breaking news breaking news i've received a message and i don't think this i'll just say first name but i don't think brad will mind me sharing currently listening to the latest episode and need to tell you you're not consuming too much sodium i work for an australian electrolyte brand and have done lots of research no modern research he said lots of modern research you don't get enough high quality trace mineral pack sodium from food so much of it is regular diets comes from processed packaged foods not my diet sweetie they're using sodium for preserving.

14:33Again, not my diet, sweetheart. And your body will excrete any sodium you don't need. No, but that's the point. He's saying not your diet. Like this is other people who are consuming a bunch of sodium. Anyway, go on. He says, I run, whatever. He's shouting out sodium hydration. If you want to try ancient Australian lake salt, less maldextrin than element. I'm listening. All natural. Damn, single DM and he's getting a full plug. Yeah. I'll be bleeping that name and asking for$10. $10 to unbleep. And, but listen, today I'm 10 days, I have to say something. I'm 10 days, no electrolytes. Yeah. And Jacqueline, guess what I'm about to tell you.

15:16I have not felt or complained to. I'm feeling bloated in 10 days. Oh yeah. You told me this two days ago. Okay. I'm glad to hear it's holding. You know what I mean? No, I'm just, I'm just banging. I'm just laughing. Like, and then like 12 days, you're like, Jacqueline, you're like, I've been off electrolytes for 12 days sweetie get ready hold on to your ass because I'm about to blow it off less bloating a couple days later Jacqueline I wonder 15 days no electrolytes okay I have an announcement I submitted a request online to try one body sphere endo it's not endoscopic what's the word endospheric lymphatic massage I want to try it and I have what do you mean and I have a lead you booked an appointment I have a lead on a buckle massage woman.

16:07All right, Kate. So this is an ad, but it happens to be about something that I did start taking. So, you know, I track things now. One of the things I track on my wearable is magnesium. Did I take it? It even asks, did you take tart cherry? It's one of the things you can track, weirdly. Well, how convenient that something we're advertising and was sent to us as a powder. Ritual's Magnesium Plus. Okay. This is about unwinding in the evening. How? A blend of magnesium, bisglycinate, and tart cherry powder. Incredible. For mind and muscle relaxation. So it's tasty, Kate. Do you hear me? I love cherry.

16:43And tart cherry does wonders for relaxation and sleep, I got to say. I am really trying to embrace the whole evening wind down. Also, I want to say that Ritual selected a bioavailable form of magnesium. It's gentle on the stomach, okay? And it's clinically studied to support stress and mind relaxation, ease leg cramps, support period cramping. Oh, my God. Wait, that was a genuine, that was a genuine, oh, my God, which was that they're offering 40 % off your first month at ritual.com slash hags. That was an, oh, my God, a panic. No, that's big. You got to stock up. I'm really curious to see how the Hags work this into their evening tonics.

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17:51Wait, wait, wait. But the endo, whatever? Sorry, sorry. I'm all over the place. Where's that? Hollywood. No, no. Beverly Hills, sweetheart. Is it the one with the body sock that I went to? No. This is called Body Spheres. Oh, wait. It's the one with the, like, I said. Oh, no. I DM'd them. You did? I, yes. Yes. Thank God. I told you I DM'd them. Let's see. Nothing? Like, did you already, you know, drop a CC in their system? No. Fuck no. Body Sphere? Magic Body Spheres. Oh, right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I DM'd. Let's see. They're on Rodeo Drive. Wait, Magic Body Spheres. There it is. Ooh. What's that?

18:33Followed by Claudia Schiffer. I want it. Okay. No, you're kidding. I'm not seeing a DM from me. We're desperate to come in. Desperate to come in. I'm like, actor Kate Berlant and my podcast co-host. Oh, my God. Dual Emmy nominated. Wait, tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay, I'll leave Magic Body Spheres on dot, dot, dot right now. Yeah, yeah. So, my God. Jacqueline and I. We're walking down the street, okay? Protect privacy of actors at all costs. I won't even tell you what city we were in. Okay. Yeah, one of the big three. Okay. We're walking, soaring on caffeine, okay?

19:15And I go, oh, my God. Okay. And I don't know. I wish you could see, you know, this is why one must film the self at all times. And I can't exactly place him, but I'm like, I know that that's an actor. Outdoor cafe situation or, you know, a couple of tables outside a restaurant, let's just say, but just a few tables. So this is not a whole outside. There's two tables. Let's get real. Okay. Yeah. Coffee shop, two tables outside. Yeah. Me continuing to protect the identity. All right. Yeah. Through obscuring of my, wait, wait, wait, there's something wrapped around my, oh my God, there's something wrapped around my calf.

19:48There's something wrapped around my calf, cutting off circulation. What do you mean? I thought you'd be there for a medical emergency. I am here. Just completely spaced out. Okay. What's wrapped around your calf? An animal? My emergency didn't wake you. This was wrapped around my calf, and I didn't put it there. A headband? Like, I didn't, like, try to move lymph with that or something. You had to have unconsciously been trying to move lymph. Okay, no, no, no. In the night. I mean, maybe in the night. Maybe I sleptwalked my wake up with two rubber beards. I can't get the rubber bands around my ears to stick.

20:19I tried doubling it. It's not good. No, it's not working. Come on, honestly. How little time do I have? I'm applying a fake lash. That's when I'm supposed to do it?

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22:04Wait, go back to the story. Go back to the story. So we're walking. There's two tables outside of a cafe. One of those tables is occupied by a couple facing me and Kate as we're barreling down the sidewalk. Clomp, clomp, clomp goes a couple of girls, right? I go, my God. Okay. And I wonder if you had video. Did I say to Kate something like, oh God, oh God. Did I say, oh God, I'm going to have to say something. Sorry. Right. There's almost like I'm about to do something and like, like just I have to, I don't care. I don't know if I said it aloud or just to myself and God. but i go oh i'm saying something why to who no wiley folks okay noah fucking wiley okay now of course i was a fan from er all right where he was the young buck okay he comes he's learning his way around the place now what is he head of uh head of the er okay head of emergency medicine at the pit aka star of the pit greatest medical drama okay okay that which i have yet to watch but I'm hearing big things all the time.

23:06I believe I started my third viewing in the Ludlow Hotel. Wow. One night. And so I just go. But it's just like there's just a whole, his whole thing is just, he's phenomenal. There's so much. So I go, and I think, and I can't remember, he wrote some episodes. I'm pretty sure he wrote one. Whoa, amazing. Okay, I go, holy shit, right? Point is, this guy, his heart is in this thing. and he fucking rocks his performance oh what sorry sorry just two coyotes across the street no two coyotes oh they're going down the hill they're gone it's unbelievable they're so cute i know they're gone the clarity after the rain so i just go no no no no this is key everyone needs to understand this principle okay okay if this is the us walking you getting into the no no because this is good i'll do it on clip or something it's really important okay and i Like physically can be described later.

24:02Okay. So this is us. If you're walking towards a celebrity. Okay. And you're in motion and they're seated, AKA trapped. Right. Yeah. It's upon you to communicate that you're not going to stand there where they're trapped and can't get away. See what I'm saying? Yeah. So my belief is celebrities here. Okay. Okay. Let's just say, let's say, let's say celebrities here. We'll do a peace sign for celebrity. Okay. Okay. And then this is you, you, a pig, a pig commoner or whatever. Okay. Yeah. so it's it's boom boom boom boom boom you see them coming if you're gonna say some shit okay i believe you have to walk past you walk past you banana out you banana out you banana out and over the over the shoulder okay you need to over the shoulder you don't come at them with it you okay you and but kate and past and over so that they understand your emotion your head needs to be cranked so that they backwards so they understand she's not gonna stand there with her head cranked Yeah.

24:54Now you might, we've all done it. Gone. Totally. My neck is surprisingly strong in this situation to be able to keep talking to a while. But it's very important to the communication. So wildly tap dancing, you're walking backwards. You're doing whatever you need to do to show that you are still in motion and headed away. Yeah. But so it's a blow by. It's a drive by. Okay. And so it's walking, walking, banana out, turn and, and just, again, I just do like a, I just, I love, you know, I love your work. I mean, I, I'm on my third viewing. It's just unbelievable. Thank you. Thank you. Okay. And I'm like, you know, just bowing my head, you know, whatever, doing this kind of spray.

25:31Yeah, we're on the move. We're on the move. Kate Berlant, folks. Okay. Known bitch. Okay. Is here, she's saying that she thinks I did good. Okay. And so in a moment of absolute stunning friendship even even i would say you know collegial uh generosity everything okay as i what does she do and this is a star in her own right folks okay she she i can actually almost cry okay she she submitted to she she she humbled herself is it i'll just why don't you say what you did no no no it's better no it's better for me okay oh definitely so i'm going whatever i accept the vulnerability of this i accept that i'm trash you know what i mean and i'm happy to be trash in this moment you know but i think you know okay third viewing you know anyway yeah you're you're you're logging out kate berlant like a little like a crab in a tuxedo okay like a real like like chorus boy like you know featured player okay going goes she's having a okay no wait wait she's having nominated okay she's having nominated she's not some freak pointing to me and an even wider banana in a wider banana arcing arcing your arbor yeah yeah yeah yeah it was like an ever if there was like a third character rolling by okay they would have been an even wire okay and i felt lifted okay support i didn't even need that see this i was like the prince in Beauty and the Beast and a thousand other tales.

27:06Okay. In a strange way, it's a little different. I wasn't cruel, but, oh no, that's what it is. It wasn't cruel versus kind. Okay. Here it was. I humbled myself. I'm willing to look like, I'm willing to look like nothing. And sometimes that's when they reward you. And in this case, in this case, the gods of ego worked through Kate. Yeah. I mean, nominated. I mean, nominated folks. No, no, no, folks. Sorry. We're not on stage. Okay. I mean, she's some freak. And then it allowed me to blow off. And by the way, I saw his face change. No. Oh, wait. I think you're right. I couldn't even allow myself to believe it, so I didn't remember it.

27:49No, because I go, he was with a woman. We haven't done the research if that's his wife or whatever. But she's gorgeous. I hope she is his wife. I know. If not, he better look out. But I saw him. because you go, okay, here's, you know, he's in a huge, people are stopping him, right? He's getting recognized on the regular. Yeah. Yeah. You do a drive, you do a drive by, big arc, banana out. Yeah. Okay. Banana out, keep it moving. I'm moving banana. You're bananning out, you're keeping it moving. But I throw in, she's Emmy nominated and I see him, it's subtle, but it's like, and he kind of does a nod and it's, he goes, thank you.

28:25You know, it's like, because also actors, honey, I'm an actor, I know it. You never know who you're talking to. You know? You could be writing his next hit show. Oh, shit.

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29:58oh by the way this is like i treated myself doing out-of-pocket robe you may recall last year forgot i bought it came home go god i'm good to myself oh my god you're not gonna believe it

30:14no no no okay okay this is unbelievable no okay this is good news because cozy earth i want more I know Kate came running because by the way something huge is happening in my home I'm getting I have a huge this is fire alarm this is high fire alarm I'm getting a king size bed I'm getting a king size bed I'm doing it I'm taking the plunge and I have a question which leads to our next beg the beg of the century is coming okay here we go and I wonder if we can even tell I think we need to obscure details and tell the anecdote I was thinking about it okay we'll talk about that after point is let's go from Kate's king bed I've been living in a queen forever whatever I go it's time you're on watch okay I could be writing something for you you're unreal absolutely the robe is not done we have a lot to say about this robe the robe reveals hysterical that was huge for our advertisers it's really funny so first of all I have emotionally I go okay it's time to do the king bed and Naomi and I were like okay you know what christmas present like not necessarily in lieu of a christmas present but let's let's get a nice big bed you know we'll do the bed thing and that'll be our present there had to be a narrative but yes okay so here's a question for you so i've been casually over the last couple months looking for king bed frames it's tough out there so the frame is what you've been fixated on well you know what mattress you're getting so so here's the thing that's happened which is unbelievable luck a friend a dear friend happened to post our close friend close friend stories i have a no no listen to this her and her husband moved bought this mattress they bought the wrong they needed a california king they didn't realize they bought a hysterical this is their like we have literally like they were like we slept on it one night like you know it's an unused new mattress Terrible news for you.

32:16It'll always be their bed. The first night is when they're when because the mattresses chemicals are so fresh and they're off gassing. It's kind of like when you lay rosemary on a steak and then you sweat it and the sweat comes out and then it pulls the rosemary back into it. The first night of a mattress is the most DNA is entered permanently in the mattress. I'm sorry. This is a huge joke. I know. hysterical. I know. I know. It was a joke. But also the good news is if I love them, by the way, I wouldn't take a bed. I have to say something. Free bed. Let's just say someone who I think is a dark person goes, hey, free bed.

32:52I go, I don't want to. Right? These people I go, I'll take, like wonderful people. Because also in the bed, you sleep, you opened a dream world. Okay, you're thinking if there's a darkness there. No, they're brilliant people. Who's living in the bed? Yeah, brilliant, loving people. I go, great. So So the point, brilliant loving people is amazing. By the way, not ordering a California King, but they have a California King. Now, I want to talk about California King for a second. Because I got breaking news, folks. Extra long, but not as wide. What is it? Same width, differently. I'll tell you right now.

33:24It's the same width. I thought it was the other way. And it's longer. I thought it was wider. It's longer. Because I have this image. Because don't you associate movies? Don't you associate movies? Or is it the other way? Maybe it's the other way. Where there is celebrity or riches, like sort of, you know, 80s, but like ridiculous beds, maybe shaped in strange ways. I've always assumed like the California King is just this sort of like Cali celebrity 80s, like wealth indulgence. Like what if we went bigger? It's very 80s. Right? Coke head. Yeah. And I wonder if people just thought it was sort of a non, you know, but is it wider or longer?