In short
Berlant & Novak Episode 060: "The Judgment of a Child" - Notes
Episode Overview This episode features hosts Jacqueline Novak and Kate Berlant, engaging in humorous and insightful discussions on various personal anecdotes, psychological reflections, and everyday absurdities, all wrapped in the comedic style their listeners have come to love.
Key Themes
- Morning routines and the absurdities of eavesdropping.
- Reflections on childhood experiences, particularly concerning psychological evaluations.
- The intertwining of commerce and personal identity through holiday shopping.
- Medical anxieties and experiences with healthcare systems.
- The uniqueness of personal relationships with local professionals like optometrists.
Detailed Summary
Introduction
- The episode begins with a playful greeting, "Top of the morning,” establishing a light-hearted tone.
- Discussion on the nature of their podcast and the humorous premise surrounding eavesdropping at dawn.
Personal Anecdotes
- Jacqueline shares a humorous experience of being "taken to town" by holiday sales, particularly a luxury lingerie brand, illustrating the thrill of shopping and consumerism.
- Kate recounts a humorous memory from her childhood involving a group therapy session led by a school psychologist, highlighting children’s perceptions and the absurdity of adult responses.
Reflections on Childhood and Psychological Insights
- They delve into the impact of childhood experiences on adult psyche, particularly focusing on how humor was derived from their honest expressions during psychological testing.
- The absurdity of adult behavior and expectations from children is discussed, with Kate mentioning a moment from her childhood where her innocent enjoyment of watching the weather channel was met with laughter instead of encouragement.
Medical Experiences
- The episode transitions to discussions about their experiences with medical appointments and the complexities of navigating healthcare.
- Kate shares her frustrations with making appointments, illustrating the challenges of the medical system, such as delays due to a single person processing referrals.
- Jacqueline humorously describes her experience at an optometrist and the anxiety surrounding eye exams, touching on themes of unexpected medical revelations.
Comedy in Daily Life
- They discuss the humorous aspects of relationships with local professionals, such as optometrists and the weirdness of feeling like a traitor when shopping at larger chains (e.g., Warby Parker).
- The conversation transitions into whimsical observations of experiences such as shopping for flowers at Whole Foods and the joy of spontaneous community interactions.
Final Thoughts
- The episode concludes with reflections on personal wellbeing, the difficulties of healthcare navigation, and humorous takes on everyday life, leaving listeners feeling connected through shared experiences and laughter.
Key Takeaways
- Humor in Vulnerability: The hosts highlight the importance of humor when discussing personal and vulnerable subjects, turning mundane experiences into relatable stories.
- Personal Narratives: A consistent theme emerges around sharing personal anecdotes, allowing listeners to relate and reflect on their own life experiences.
- Healthcare Frustrations: Their conversations illuminate the complexities and frustrations of navigating the healthcare system, underscoring a broader commentary on medical anxiety.
- Community and Connection: The joy of community interactions, whether through shopping or casual encounters, is celebrated as a vital aspect of their shared experiences.
Conclusion This episode of Berlant & Novak serves as a comedic exploration of the absurdities of daily life, the quirks of childhood, and the challenges of adulthood, all wrapped in the joyful banter between two close friends. Their discussions resonate on multiple levels, offering laughter, reflection, and a sense of community for their listeners.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Step into the holiday season with layers made to feel good, look polished, and last. From Quince, perfect for gifting or keeping for yourself. Go to quince.com slash hags for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. Yep, that's quince.com slash hags to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash hags.
0:32for those of you listening for free we love you thank you but imagine upping to dear friend or giving yourself a gift or a friend a gift with your friend you're going to get ad free episodes every week imagine that not being interrupted by ads you're going to get an extra episode which will drop into your feed often a full video length version is also available and don't forget product corner access to product corner where we are dropping huge recommendations we're going personal a lot happens behind product corner you're also going to get amas you're going to be able to email your questions hear other hags and their questions hear answers there's also going to be fun little extras you're going to get videos images peeks into our texts lots of stuff it's a recipe a link and you get 20 off merch ten dollars a month that's a hundred a year that you could get it for.
1:24And listen,$10 a month, I understand. That ain't nothing. But you'll also sleep well at night knowing that you are supporting the show, that you're making the show get made. Two best friends, both alike in dignity. Nurturing phantoms and courting the muse. The hag divines when something must die. Yes, that was Poogh. But this is huge. The ego loves to seek, but never to find. It was Berlant and Novak the whole time. Give me the b-boards to free my soul. All right. Oh my God, I know. The ecstasy. I know, it's happening. By the way, morning poog, I repeat. Top of the morning. Top of the morning to you.
2:04And top of the morning to you. For all of you listening in the morning, good morning. Oh. Wait, there's people listening? What if I didn't know that these were live and they'd always been live? Live. Or I told you, Kate, we started live streaming two months ago. You didn't know that? I know. We added that as a new feature. These are live now. Well, there's so much to talk about. It's just shocking. It's actually shocking. We almost have to be careful we don't fly across so many things because a lot of these are very worthy of death. That's all. We can stretch them. I'm saying where it's like we've got weeks to work this shit out.
2:38I know. I know. We're going to do a slow. So I'm going to encourage us. We're going to do a slow, slow progression. I'm making a couple notes. I'm writing medicine cabinet. I'm writing boo. okay i'm well hey i have i have a note can let me start with a slice of life from last night which of my life which is really making me laugh yes yes slice of life podcast it's it seems like a slice of life podcast but ultimately it's a philosophical journey into the forests so i first of all holiday sales are here and i was taken to town by holiday sale so i just sorry kate sorry kate have you noticed uh uh every year uh they start with the holidays sorry i'm sorry i just briefly pretended we were doing that we're not podcast again i'm back well i was seduced by an agent provocateur you've been seduced for years by them but agent provocateur your powders agent provocateur yeah their bras are literally upwards of 260 dollars you know like crazy lingerie.
3:47I thought you were talking about Agent Nature. No, no, no, no, of course. Which, wow. They owe me a lot of free shit, by the way. Yeah, and me by extension. No, no, no, the lingerie brand. So I something compelled me, it must have been God, to go to the website and I see markdowns slash prices. I'm talking about bras that were$260 that are$80. Excuse me. I mean, I don't know if the sale is still going on. Excuse me. Okay. I think it probably is. When I tell you hemorrhage cash, I got a lot of stuff. And it's gorgeous. And it's really exciting. Wow. And it's beautifully made. The bras are beautifully made.
4:31Wow. And there's like a sexual underwear that's normally, I'm talking about$80. Who's buying$80 underwear? It's$25. Wow. couple of those in the drawer for fun i got beautiful bras joy joyously throwing up bras i hate anyway oh god but so imagine this you see to not have a single bra you like yeah yeah let me just see let me just see what i'm seeing here yeah look at this fifty dollars like these bras i have to be careful to go back on the site i've already gone twice really about 30 of oh well don't fuck my pussy this hard have i so now there's more sales so So if I just waited, then I'd get even more.
5:13You could be a real sicker. You could go, hi, sorry. I just am so upset because a new sale started. I know. They have so many clothes. Oh, wait. You see that? Wait. What am I doing right now? What am I doing? Tell them. Oh, she's scrolling. She shared her screen and she's scrolling. I've done it again, folks. I've done it again. I'm pretty sure these are the prices I got. Let's pray to God. Let's pray for my sake and yours. But these bras are, yeah, look at this bra,$200. Now it's 80. Look at this bra,$285. Now it's 90. See, what's interesting about this one, oh no, you know what it's going to do?
5:54This is always a disaster. See, this is commentary on the internet. See the bra that I'm looking at, okay? And it has this lace thing going up the center. Yeah, I don't like that. Right? Well, first of all, so it has the thing going up all the way to the neckline, right? For a listener. and, you know, premium in your weekly newsletter, you'll get this video, okay? You'll get a cut of, okay? You know, from the center class spot, up it goes like a dickie, right? Like a, just want to be clear, I'm referring to the, I'm not talking about a dick. No one, yeah. Some people don't know what dickies are, okay?
6:35They don't. They go to that I was free associating. So it goes all the way up. And then, so this is a piece of lingerie that can only be worn, okay? With a turtleneck, which would be absurd, right? Or it's the come out of the bathroom in the hotel. It's come out of the bathroom. Thing in the movie a little bit. Now, let's take a second with that. Is that... Sexual? Yeah, because it's a, honey, it's... I know, it's a bit much. It's humiliation of, you know, it's very a 90s movie, you know. And it's usually like the woman comes out and then is then humiliated. Is then immediately humiliated. Like rejected or whatever.
7:17No, of course. Honey, not tonight. I've got the merger. The merger's kicking my ass. I actually have to get off the website because I'm seeing other bras that now I want. I just need to relax. I have a plethora. Okay. 9.15 down to 7.35. This better be made of lace from another century. Okay, but the point is just, again, this is a slice of life, which is last night. I'm, you know, date night, went out to a fun dinner. I'm wearing my agent under my cute outfit. And then it's me on the couch reading about rare cancers. Of course. Me reading about rare cancers and then being like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
7:59Going down memory lane and talking about my old pediatrician. Me going, Googling my old pediatrician's office, 10th Street Pediatrics. and me going, Dr. Chardio, trying to find images of my old pediatrician, finding Google images of my old pediatrician office and being like, memory lane. Naomi's like, stop. Yeah. Wondering if it holds up. Were you wondering if it holds up? I'm like, that's, I was like, I was like, that's it. That's the office. Like getting so. Oh, I know. When you, did you have a moment? I don't know if you go, where you go, oh my God, I could look up everything. Yeah. From my history.
8:31There's probably an image somewhere. Now, there's a couple things. When you can't find something on the internet, that's a shock. Yeah, I know. Okay? And there's a couple I've gone like... When there's no trace. You know what's pretty interesting? In fifth grade, okay, they gave us this test one day. And it was clearly an initiative led by a new psychologist who had been brought to the school, okay, and must have been doing her doctorate or something. Okay? I don't know. Okay. But this woman sort of shows up. Suddenly, she's part of the school's community. Okay. And one day, I feel like it was a rainy day, but that could have been projected.
9:06We all take these tests that are obviously these psychological kind of, you know, whatever sort of tests and asking questions, you know, probably about our internal state, et cetera. Right. And, you know, I answered, honestly, you know, I explored, right? Yeah. What happens? Again, there's probably 85 kids in the class, right? A group of seven are invited to be part of a weekly group. Okay. That comes in instead of recess. Unbelievable. Sits in a circle in chairs in the psychologist's room. Okay. And it's interesting because you go, this would not go down in the same. First of all, I mean, they must have asked the parents, but honestly, did they?
9:59Yeah, right. I'm not sure they did. Okay. I certainly don't remember it. Now, maybe my parents were just like, yeah, sounds interesting, right? Because the surface kind of narrative in the room was certainly not, you guys are crazy, or we need to dig deeper with you people. And I'm not saying it definitely was that. It felt like this woman was doing some kind of work. Part of her work is having this small group, and it's like treating it like she's she's um here to like to have meaningful conversations with us facilitate kind of a group who knows maybe she was doing a thing about the benefits of small group with children haha right yeah and i remember a couple of the other kids in the class you know in the group okay i remember who they were yeah and it's just interesting when you look back and you go wait a second like what was that i try to find this woman because i want her note I want to read her thesis.
11:00We were. Oh, the woman. Yes. Okay. Of course. What were you a part of? You probably could find out. Oh, I have another huge thing to say. Well, I thought I could. Can't find her. You probably could through your school. Well, that's the thing. You could go deep. Like I'd have to call the office. And they go release the files. You go release the files. I think I'm in. I think I'm in a horror movie, right? I go. I go. And they're not there. I know they're not there. I mean, so I go, how am I going to find it? I mean, could it have been academic? Point is, but I remember. And I knew it was wrong at the time, right?
11:34So one day, so they go, you know, next time everyone come in, or it was a live question, I can't remember. But I vaguely feel like it was like next time. I don't know, like I had time to prepare it or something. It was like, share something with a group, you know, that nobody would know about you. Like just something the rest of the group doesn't know about you. And to me, that's a very specific prompt. That's a prompt asking for something. It wasn't like share a fun fact, like literally like the New Yorker Fest asking me backstage. And I was like, I can stilt, right? Like, I can stilt. Like, wacky fact, right?
12:10I felt like it was supposed to kind of be, however they set it up, the vibe was like, we're in this room. I'm emotionally attuned. Okay, I get what she's looking for a kind of divulge. And she's looking for us to go deeper with the group. and i have a sense for character detail let's get real right and i'm able to do it about myself of course i am right so so here's what i shared i go i really like watching the weather channel yeah yeah now when you're 10 okay and i'm like i like to put it on like you know like hoping for a snow day and like even if like i basically was saying like i find the weather channel comforting How old are you?
12:52Unbelievable. This little genius. My daughter. You know, whatever. Fifth grade. Okay. So cute. Okay. I understand. Like, to me, this is exactly the kind of detail. You know what I mean? That's the dream. Yeah. And everyone, including the teacher, laughed and laughed. Not like - Not in the fun way. We have a young humorist here. Okay. Or a young sensitive, whatever. Literally like, like oh weird yeah oh my god unacceptable including the psychologist unacceptable
13:30by the way that's like a group psychologist of children okay okay who's who responds to peer pressure of the kids they think it's funny yeah exactly okay because she was she was isolated as a child yeah she was alienated and she finally she's doing she's in the group she's created the group of children are finally getting acceptance from a bunch of fifth graders. Anyway. Exactly. Oh, boy, a lot of them do that. Turn on me. A lot of these teachers are just going back to re-parent themselves or to recreate and heal the wound of childhood. Well, Mel. Wait, what? Remember? Mel. I know I've talked about this on Poop.
14:04Wait, this sounds familiar. My flashback. No, my flashback to my math tutor who would take me up in the attic and feed me candy.
14:14that was the candy fit no no so what it is so i had a tutor and it was it must have been just like i realize now it was like oh you've done math tutoring that's hell now you get your treat but it was a go down the hall at a literal ladder brought down from the attic wait who's that up i go into the attic school no no no no no your own house his home his him him his home i heard mel as short for melanie i heard his nickname his his home attic this is this is a direct i promise you ladder brought down from the attic up i go into the attic i'm sat at a table there was a unbelievable i would play video games i play like snake like like joystick like whatever.
15:07There was an unbelievable plastic divider, like container store thing of different kinds of candies. I can see it in my mind. Gummy bears, the little hard candies shaped with different fruits. Let me guess. Mel's hand goes in raw? No, I know. Or was there a scooper? No scooper. Canister scooper. No scooper that I recall. Yeah, this was not an industrial. No, no, no. And it was sat in front of me. And I would, and I remember, and I can see Mel at his desk, like doing little paperwork and stuff. So he had a separate desk. There was no, there was no funny business, but it does. And I actually should ask my mom on air about Mel.
15:39That could be fun. Yeah, definitely. And ask her, did I tell you that he took me into the attic? Should I call her right now? Sure.
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17:35now now i'm just getting excited excited wait i just want you to hear my mom my mom answering the phone because i wonder if i catch her mel oh hi mom do you have to go to work today um no i'm off today i had a quick random question for you do you remember my math tutor mel mel do you remember mel i would go to his house no i don't yes you you took me yeah he was like a i remember him being short and kind of chubby mel math tutor you don't remember him the judgment of a child how old were you like this was like a ps1 yeah like i was elementary school age like maybe fifth grade fourth grade god i'm sorry you know i sort of remember a short kind of little chubby kind of guy but I took him to your I took you to his house yeah to his house no because I was remembering that he would take me into the attic nothing bad happened he would take me into the attic and I would eat candy and what?
18:40and I would eat candy oh okay well that's sort of almost scary I know but it was fine I remember and I would eat candy I remember looking over and I'd watch him He would just be at his desk doing like paperwork stuff at the end of the session. So he didn't really tutor you at all? No, he tutored me, but then I would go upstairs for candy toward the end of the session before you'd come pick me up. You know, I do sort of remember this story, but I don't remember his house. I don't remember taking you to yourself. Do you remember where it was? No. Some residential street. Anyway, I just had a quick flash of that.
19:21I'll call you back. I'm doing poog. I love you. okay okay bye bye
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20:50Did you see my transformation live? Look at my lips. Okay, this is pink. Well, you're pixelated beyond. Are you fucking serious? I can't see any pink on your lips. I can see the pink in the tube of the Say lip gloss, but I can't see. At least they'll see it because I'm in, you know, as I'm sure you've seen. We love Say. On our videos. Yeah. Say does it again. Let's pray for a holiday basket. I've been using a say, um, like setting powder. It's a pressed powder. I love it. Is it this? Yes, bitch. Yes, it sure fucking is. No, is this. So I had piled this on top of that cardboard lipstick, uh, gift tube they had sent.
21:30Oh, the life of a podcaster. Oh no, it wasn't in that. Who cares? It was in the, oh, I stuffed it into the brush, the leather brush thing. Yeah. Chris curious, you know, the desire to open something like, or close it or open a door, flip open door or whatever, like move things. Right. Right. Yeah. Probably from those children, those toys that like, that's a baby. And he's like, this flies out. Yeah. Lands on the ground, crushes instantly. Right. Oh, no. The question is, now I go to extreme. I always go extreme. Like when I cut the oil stain out of my friend's sweatshirt, because it was on the pocket, the hoodie on the pocket in the front.
22:08OK. I didn't know about that. And so I had her sweatshirt for like six months, oil stain. right on the front pocket on the hoodie so it just makes perfect sense to me that it's like cleaner and an elegant solution to simply cut the hole out and then would you would you replace it with nothing okay to me it was it was just like now that now there isn't oil i'm not walking around with oil i give it back to her that was just a whole okay very good friend okay erica okay yeah whose ring i was her jewelry i was wearing it last week gorgeous put it on the hag shop and she was like what the fuck i mean laughing but like yeah yeah of course to me it was like It was as if I had sewn it up.
22:42It was like I had made an obvious, brutal, and necessary choice. So where was I? Well, wait. No, wait. Take me back because I really had something. Oh, the say. The say. The powder. You go extreme. It broke. It broke. So I go extreme. What do I think? I go, the only elegant solution would be to purchase a container built for a gorgeous one. Repackaged. Repackaged as a crushed powder. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. That does something for me. I go, oh my God. And then I'm going to have a vanity. Mailman's coming. And really? I see him outside. You know what's crazy about my lifestyle? My friend made the mailman cookies and he wouldn't eat them.
23:19He goes, I can't accept food, but thank you. Can you blame him? Yeah, totally. Doctor's orders? Can you believe how sweet? Was it doctor's orders? Doctor's orders. Can't eat these. Oh my God. That's another thing I got to write down on the list. Huge. Well, Jesus. Part two of the Oaxaca Bowl narrative.
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25:09Last week was all about the... I'm just making a note. Really quick. Look at these. No. Peonies. By the way, sometimes Whole Foods. I go to Whole Foods yesterday. I gasped. At the beauty? I want to be honest. I want to be clear with you. A single stem, a single stem of a peony, and we need to... I mean, we'll post a picture for the subscriber. This is... I don't know that I've ever seen anything so beautiful in my life. Okay. No, no, exactly. I don't know how to explain this. This is. These peonies, each one is the size of a fucking pomelo, not a grapefruit, a pomelo. Okay. This is, I guess this isn't that crazy.
25:45Okay. That I was going to pipe in with each one's the size of that. My mind looks for an answer. Pomelo. No, I was going to go a grapefruit. Okay. But I was reaching fast. Yeah. Anyway, go on. Anyway, there's a bouquet. Here are three of them. There were five. Total on a stem, if not six. Each one of these, I have seen in a high-end flower boutique, a single stem marked at$15. I'm going to say it again. One of these,$15. One of them has$10. You're paying for the labor. You're paying for the labor. All right. A bouquet of five was$15. I repeat, a bouquet of five was$15. I had already checked out my groceries, and I'm walking toward, and I see out of the corner of my eye, I go, are you fucking kidding me?
26:26The bouquet. I'd already paid. I had bags of groceries. I already paid. I went back. I doubled back for the bouquet. And then I had a beautiful transcendent moment of community. I was in the... Can you believe it? Can you believe it? I've seen a single stem. I'm sorry. I was loading my groceries into the trunk of my car. I'm holding the bouquet. I make the effort. The dream. I didn't want to be away from them. I did all my groceries. And then I hold them as I do the cart return. Because it was just so fun to be holding them. Of course. And then I go, oh, but moments before that, The order is important, I think.
27:00I was unloading them. They're sticking out of the grocery cart. A woman drives by, probably my age, rolls down her window. Those are the most beautiful flowers. I almost start crying. And I go, can you believe it? I go, 15 bucks. I go, there's one bouquet left in the store. I almost got it, but go get it. We have a laugh. I go, oh my God. She didn't stop, right? She didn't go, I'm going to park right now. No, no, no. I didn't know if she was coming or going. I'm just imagining. No, no. Imagine it was me and we never met, okay? and I go, you know what? I'm part of her right now. And then we cackle.
27:33And then I go, I'm going in. And then I go, sorry. I would go in. Can I have your number? Just imagine. I'm just sorry. A fantasy of us meeting that way. I had a fantasy of finding her. But that was absolutely beautiful. And then, and I said and then, there is no and then. But that's, but just the peonies, the whole food. I mean, this is, you could live a hundred years and not get a deal like this. And then, and then, and then. And then, no, but it's fair. I just want to break in even though yeah then it's fair it's you're you're you're holding space because i couldn't i can interrupt at any fucking second because every single word you say inspires me so you're holding your own space and and you have every right to all right and then but also but also but jacqueline also not be told how to talk as friends we're just fine everyone thank you very much we are absolutely just fine beyond fine honestly my hair texture has been unreal recently let's get real your hair looks fantastic and by the way my hair texture has transformed since i wait for it as we've been talking about for weeks now air dry air dry everything's changing for me i'm drinking tea and i'm air drying my hair and i'm completely firmly rooted both feet on the ground deeply rooted into the center of the earth the air dry are you doing that through intentionality or yes i'm intentional practices are you grounding morning noon and night oh well i'm not actually grounding i just meant through intentionality or shooting down from the first chakra deep into mother earth do you ever think about say your house like what's below it yeah well i rent or like i'm joking i mean i do but isn't it weird your house isn't on the ground it's on a what foundation yeah like supposedly as a child when you draw a house the house is just flat on the ground is it oh right but my house right now i'm on the ground but i'm not on the ground because because what do you mean because you're you're a recessed cabinet yeah well there's like a space below the ground.
29:29Well, don't you, do you have, oh wait, you don't have a basement, right? I would have seen. No. Where are we? We're in California. But why do I have an image of you? Did your, did your old house? My parents, yeah, I grew up in a house with a, I grew up in a house with a basement. No, my old house, yeah, my old house had a terrifying laundry down in the not code unsafe. No, right. Cause that's what I remember. The fear. Look at the natural ombre. Okay. I mean, it's, it's, it's a lateral ombre to be clear. I was texting you. I had a full-blown, not full-blown, but I had an anxiety. Oh, yeah. Can't wait to get into it.
30:03I went to get, by the way, the optometrist hasn't texted me back. I have a very kind of. How'd you get that number? Not very intimate, but I have a strong relationship with a local optometrist. Yeah, eavesdroppers are not surprised. I know. How do you get the direct numbers? Because I'm in my SCS link, okay? I'm in my Cedar Sinai. Oh, God. I've been on Cedar Sinai. by the way you're gonna think i'm exaggerating jacqueline i'm actually king of my cs link now i'm king of my cs link now i love it my login is saved i broke i broke through but jacqueline and i texted you this i was like it medical it is impossible to get appointments it took me this is no exaggeration three weeks to get referred to a new neurologist the whole thing they go oh we don't have the referral i'm talking to my doctor my doctor goes that's not that's impossible i'm looking right here i sent it last thursday they we don't have it yet sometimes it takes a second.
30:56Was it fax? Yeah, fax or emails. And then the guy on the line, this was my third call in to confirm that they got it. He goes, yeah, we still don't have it. And I go, God, I'm just really frustrated. I don't understand because she says you sent it last Thursday. He goes, well, there's one person, take a second with this. Well, there's one person who receives all the referrals. So it can take a few days for them to get, I go, are you kidding me? They're kept in a clock tower. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. The fax goes up the tower. They also are the ones ringing the bell. Yeah. And so I'm like, and I kind of laughed.
31:34I go, one person. I go, okay. It took three weeks for the referral to hit them. So then I finally get, okay, and now you can make the appointment. And they go, yeah, she's booking in March. I go, great. Let's just keep waiting, waiting, waiting. Me too, by the way. so i got a zoom appointment for january yeah yeah i too am in the world because my fucking amovig booking zooms okay booking zooms four months out now i will say i got a physical or i got sort of a physical found a doc i tried to connect wait why am i hearing like music by the way literally it was so funny i have to tell them it's naomi's at the dining room table at the other and headphones on making music.
32:17Can you believe it? Yes, it's hysterical. No, I had a feeling and I go, so okay, careful now because someone could release that. I know, I know, I know, it's true. Well, it's not Moon now. I wish there was a way, I wish there was a way. Wait, no, no, don't do anything. I'm going to text. Okay, a text. I wonder if it goes in. They're so locked in though. I know, I know, but let's at least try it. But I love it, I love it. It's quiet enough that, okay, hold on. i'm writing i can hear your music okay and then i'm going i want to see not in my mind okay meaning like you know a random text like like i'm sitting here i'm just i can hear your music yeah they don't see it wait wait wait a few might break through they just looked up at me and smiled look at your phone okay do this do this do the sign of looking at your phone like what is it No.
33:11I'm so sorry. No. There's no apology. We were laughing because we were like, we've got to be careful because it could be released. I'll move. No. God. I have to. I have to. I'm sorry. No, you don't have to be sorry. BTS. Oh, my God. No. BTS. Yes.
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34:47Okay, wait. Are you looking at your nails or your phone? It's okay. Either answer's fine. My phone. My phone. Okay. Hi. Okay, wait. Wait, take me back because I was really into - I know. Oh, telehealth. oh right my doctor my doctor point is no three weeks three weeks three weeks you know i emailed him i tried to charge charman remember i tried to charman okay okay i tried to charm his ass via email being like i'm having anxiety because i'm trying to get in for this appointment blah blah uh and you know about when london can i get a mammogram in london whatever who cares yeah so stressful well well he's like no and i go this man's not for me okay i tried to be a little like you like like i'm gonna live for more anyway i found found a doctor good woman she rocks okay anyway we do telehealth what does that mean she can order the blood work okay without me having to go in first so i get the blood work and that's what happened to me i'm getting blood work today and then and then if i do have the real physical with her you know then i can go in for a real physical with her she's got it it's all in one anyway my levels my levels it's funny it's like the levels all within range okay great right kind of wild actually for me you mean you were you thought something would be out of oh well yeah i was out of order the b12 order the d yeah you know like i was like yeah yeah whatever because because of you know whatever issues and i'm getting my full i'm getting my full panel i've been putting it off for weeks jacqueline i'm gonna get like seven vials of blood i think my cholesterol dropped by like 4 000 points since wow you know sorry okay it's no keto yeah well yeah yeah it's vegan yeah yeah of course it's no animal protein but jacqueline i'm gonna text you i'm scared i'm going to get my blood work today and they're gonna take like seven vials because i'm doing my allergy test finally because i had another mouth allergy from tomato happen wait a second i could have gotten that done because i'm due for an upgrade yeah but no it's a different doctor though it's a different doctor i had to get i I did a telehealth appointment with an allergist.
36:55When you do one eye, it is so funny and specific. I didn't even feel it. It's like a way that you, you emphasize you. Yes. You underscore you. You're like, it's, it's like, it's like a way of saying I'm really, I really know what I'm saying. I've got two eyes on this. It's almost like you're holding up a, you know, a monocle. All right. Yeah. Wait. Okay. I, but just the medical anxiety I had yesterday and I texted you. I I'm in this thing with my optometrist It's really funny So an eye doctor I wanted to get a comprehensive eye exam To check eye health Sure, sure I've never done that And I go in there I call head time They go Yeah You might dilate your eyes And you'll be dilated for three to four hours I go Yeah Excuse me So this appointment's my whole day I get there And I'm driving there And I go Kate you can turn around You can get there And just cancel You know $25 for my copay Thank God I go, what's the worst thing they charge you 25 bucks?
37:52Like, you don't have to do it. You don't have to do it. I go in there. I go, hi, can you please, is there a way to avoid the dilation? And basically the answer was yes. They're like, yeah, we'll do like the preliminary test. And if we see something we don't like, we'll go in deeper. But they didn't say go in deeper. That's my own language. But yeah. Of course, of course. But I fucking hate eye shit. It's a fucking nightmare. Stuff in your eyes. I'm touching your eyes. She goes, I'm going to put these numbing drops in your eyeballs. I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't like the sound of that.
38:17I go, how long does it last? She goes, maybe 10 minutes. I go, okay. And I literally said to her, I go, I'm scared. She kind of laughs. She puts in the drops and then she takes this fucking thing and she's touching my eyeball. I'm impressed she laughed. She understood your tone. Yeah. You're good. No, I kept it light. Because sometimes they don't laugh on that when you kind of like do that, like I'll do that kind of shit to them a little bit sometimes. Like, no, or something. Yeah. And they're almost right to like, they kind of like, oh, it's very rare. Okay. I got to be in a certain kind of mood.
38:46But a lot of them will not laugh because they will not assume that we're all being funny. Yeah. Anyway, go on. Well, no, but she numbs the eye. She's touching this pen. You know, the blow thing where they blow your eye? That's not what she's doing. She's doing a different pressure test, which is involving touching the surface of my eye with this instrument. Bop, bop, bop. Ew, ew, ew. Bop, bop, bop. I don't like it. Bounce, bounce, bounce. She's doing it. I have my hands up on my head like this. I have my hands through my hair like this. She's doing it. yeah and then i'm doing deep breathing i hate it they take me to other place the guy photographs my eyeball brightest light i've ever seen in my goddamn life the point is the doctor then looks at them she's like yeah your eyes look your eyes look totally fine like she goes and then she's like why were you wait just realize something why were you getting an eye exam based on nothing you don't wear glasses you don't have any like right yeah i'm not questioning it i'm just trying to understand you just levels of anxiety and like um wait wait so so so just just because You don't wear contacts.
39:48You don't have glasses, right? I have glasses. I have glasses. I have distance glasses. But I'm due for a new prescription. Oh, right. I can see them. I remember you picking me up, driving them. It was like, it felt very like, I don't know why, like Julia Louis-Dreyfus, like in Curb Your Enthusiasm, you like in a car. Sometimes like Los Angeles, you know? Yeah. Wait, that reminds me. There was something I was dying to tell you about Whole Foods. Oh, no. No, I know what it was. why go to the doctor when you can just get a photograph blown up of your iris at the grove in the farm you know like that whole thing now like you can get a you can get a 18 by 36 framed portrait of your iris they've been popping up it's like family it's like finally portraits of like the eyes it's very odd but um the the point is oh but then she goes the doctor she goes do you ever see you get you ever see floaters i go well this is the classic thing i'm like well i mean in my life sure i've seen a floater like what i'm like not constantly not every day she goes yeah yeah that's okay you know a certain amount of floaters is normal she goes you ever see do you ever see bright flashing lights i go uh no i go to the movies of course i go well now i'm gonna sweetheart she's like she and she's like yeah it's this thing of doctors just sometimes i'm like what are you doing why are you talking like you mean like get a get a psych degree before where you become a GP get a fucking psych degree.
41:10Well, a hundred percent how like, and she's like, and then she's like, yeah, if you ever see bright flashing lights, go to like the doctor immediately. I was like, well, sure. Again, based on, I go, and I go bright flashing light. I was like, I would know if I saw a bright flashing light. I was like, I assume it's dramatic. She goes, she was like, yeah, like almost like fireworks on the periphery. She goes, that could mean your retina is detached. I go, okay, well, I feel like something's being left. out here okay and i like and it's fine right but it's like like for for absolute clarity i yes yes how do you get into a situation of well that means your retina is detached okay when you are you am are you hiding something no no why did you go to the eye doctor just the standard checkup but you said i want you to go deeper do you understand what's confusing you standard checkups well i Wait, what do you mean?
42:04No, she didn't go deeper. She didn't go deeper. She did the most preliminary. This wasn't like my, okay. I don't know anything about it. I don't wear glasses, whatever, right? So I don't know how it works out there. You have 20-20. I guess so. Okay. So my idea is that these people, you're not on your phone, right? You're just thinking? No. No, I literally was looking at a little detritus on the table. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's what it is. Okay. Okay. So I'm not frozen. You're not frozen. Okay. Oh, I think I need some new glasses or, oh, I got to get my eyes checked again. Check the vision, whatever.
42:38Okay. Yeah. Um, you go, I even thought they kind of did that maybe at the glasses store or something. And then, but, but to just go say I should get my eyes checked. Oh, okay. Okay. I guess, I guess this is what I'm not understanding. Okay. No, you're right. I'm concealing something because it's too devastating because I've never talked about the podcast that my dad lost his vision last summer. Okay. Here we go. Cause it's like Alzheimer's how much worse could it get well you could go blind right right right within a week so it's like and so i even though that's pre-existing conditions whatever we don't know what happened he couldn't really thank you for sharing sorry yes but for him it's different because he has alzheimer's he can communicate the way if you and i if something was going on with our vision we would be like what the fuck is this shit but he you know yeah didn't talk about it and so So, but that of course has, even though preexisting conditions, we don't know.
43:31And it kind of remains a mystery, but it's like optic nerve failure. And so I, of course, am sitting here going, great. Well, am I going to go blind in a week or whatever? So I wanted to quell medical anxiety. Here we go. Got it. Got it. And so I went in and then it's strange because I, and then I remember, yeah. So I just wanted, I needed someone to look at my optic nerve and go, you're okay. Or, oh, actually there's something here that's genetic and we need to keep an eye on it, whatever. so that's why that's why i'm going because by the way i'm the youngest person at the eye when i went into the eye clinic which is gorgeous in pasadena it is a huge it's a community college it's on a beautiful campus it's like this is a gorgeous campus doheny eye center i took a picture because i was like this is this is unbelievable and i go in there everyone's 160 and there's me in there even so the technician i actually found this to be a little bit like maybe you shouldn't say that because I told him I was nervous.
44:24Oh, I didn't take a picture. I thought I had. And he goes, yeah, who likes being at the doctor or whatever? And then he's taking the picture of my eyes. And then he says, are you, what was the language you use? Like, are you having symptoms? Like he asked me like, basically like, is something wrong with your vision? And I was like, no, I'm just getting a checkup. And he was like, oh, okay, good. And I was like, but then here's what this, anything a technician says in a medical setting can be read. So, cause I go, well, does he see something weird? They're wondering why the hell you're there, Kate.
44:57It's like, it's so obvious. Like you're like, it's like in the same way that I'm going, something's missing here. What's going on? Are you having symptoms? They're waiting for why the fuck you're in for that kind of appointment. Why someone's got an instrument. Okay. Most people don't get checked. I mean, it's hysterical, first of all, because medical anxiety go in and then don't like the procedure and say, can we not? Can we not? I think I'm okay. Which, you know, great. I was relieved. I didn't have to go. But by the way, I was laughing because I was like, I go in there, the nurse, she's like, so what's going on?
45:31I'm like, well, nothing. I was like, I have distance glasses, reading glasses, but I don't need them, need them. But yes, I wear glasses when I'm driving. Did you say I'm here because technically I'm freaked out because. So then I said, so then I go, yes, I go, my dad, you know, and then I kind of was like, no one's giving me any sympathy. The doctor too, nothing i go how about a god that sounds hard how about a holy shit i'm sorry you know how about a you know how about how about a hand to the chest you fucking animals people are worried they were just they were they were too focused on they're just staring at me yeah it was just staring like they were too focused on whether or not you're up you're they're still trying to hunt for why does she think did did there's still i believe they're still asking why is she here totally totally they're still searching okay that's what's crazy is that the medical setting nothing gives me more anxiety and nothing makes me feel safer so much so that then last night i'm you know i'm in laundry looking at my childhood pediatrician office going oh my god there it is i remember the those are the toys i played with right loving it yes so anyway but i walk out so happy because i go my optic nerve's okay and then i but then i'm in this thing with my optometrist a local optometrist and silver leg lover cindy shout out and uh but i go to warby parker because i want blue light blocking glasses okay of course and then i and then they go warby parker is like well we can give you an eye test or they go well can we call in we can get the blue light with your distance prescription in these i go well that's great they go well let's call over your prescription i start to get oh no cindy's gonna think i'm being a traitor because i get my glasses through her small mom pa shop optometrist suddenly warby parker's calling we need to get this transferred over here yeah this is like this is um you know life uh life uh this is six feet under the exactly the big corporation this is um oh my god i can't think of cromer not cromer i know i'm humiliated um yeah uh yeah no no cromer cromer it's cromer yeah yeah so then you have to go i'm selling a cromer and then and then uh on the jet with the margaritas yeah and um best show ever made and then so then i say to the woman at warby parker and she thinks i'm being i'm kooky at this point because i go can you tell her that this is just a one-time thing that i'm just getting the warby parker walkers and she kind of laughs she's like oh i mean i'm sure it's fine this happens all the time i go yeah yeah but you know it's a small mom pa shop she's gonna think i'm so then the point is so i'm worried about she's gonna think i'm a traitor and then i get i get a text from her and she's like hey warby parker just called like you're actually do for a new eye test.
48:07So that's what I go, okay, I need to get my vision because my vision is unfortunately degrading, not in a horrifying way, but just meaning like, yeah. Isn't that what it does? Faces are a little blurry. Yeah. Like I'm looking across the room, kind of swinting at a restaurant. Who's that? Are they looking at me? Like, I think it's also maybe rude a couple of times. I don't recognize someone because they're across the room. I see like they're pixelated as usual, so to speak. Yeah. They're pixelated and billboards. Like, I think I'm... Anyway. Whatever. The point is... Well, I just had that moment where Bill boards.
48:42I didn't hear it. Okay. I was like, Bill boards. I see Bill boards across the room. I don't recognize him. He boards the airplane. He goes, it's me, Bill. Bill boards. No, because this is actually relevant because distance... Glasses are distance glasses. So are they only needed when, what, driving? Correct. Or socializing? Movies, seeing the play. No, I wear them when I'm seeing plays, when I'm seeing movies, when I'm driving, but not always, but driving at night for sure. I like to make sure I have them. I can drive without them. See, this is what's interesting. It's almost like not the blue light scenarios that you need to protect from.
49:20No, these are blue light with prescription. No, I know. I mean like, okay. You know, like blue light, good and natural during the day you know at night you know the rhythm right sure circadian so if your glasses that you're using while on your phone computer at home watching tv were blue blue blocking never happening i only i never i right the blue blockers i was so why do you need the it's almost like why do you need blue like protection in your distance glasses watching tv in your distance glasses no No, no, no, no. That's a real... Oh, my God. She did it. She did it. You're right. Fuck. You're right.
50:01If I'm watching TV... Which you're not doing. With the blue blockers on, or I'm scrolling on my phone, you're right. They only need to be blue block. It's kind of interesting. Too late? No, it's not too late because I haven't done it yet. You start going to the drive-in movie theater to legitimize your purchase? Well, by the way... I've always wanted to do this. I mean, I've, you know, dried two hours. Well, the eye, well, I'm going to go in for the vision. Because even yesterday they did a little vision test, like, you know, read the letters. And I'm like, I think I got them. I think I nailed them.
50:33But you're afraid you cheated? I'm like, F-P-R-T-Q. I'm like, was it a Q or was it an O? Huge question. Was it a Q or was it an O? Yeah. Tell me now. Was it, here's a huge question. Do they mix those up so that different dentist, I mean, sorry, different doctor's office, different ones, because you can memorize in a second. You can cheat. Absolutely. Your subconscious remembers. Well, that's what's so scary about so many of these medical tests. Because I saw the O, and I think I see a hint at the bottom. I go, is it a Q? There it is, right. Did I see a Q? No. I saw an O, and I intuited. Or did you, did a piece of rice go flying from somebody's macrobiotic bowl and land on the O?
51:14Okay, and you go Q, and then it falls. Yeah. Are they keeping it clean? By the way, I've brought this up before, but like, how do you feel about mom and pop-ism in the doctor setting? So by which I mean a Post-it attached to a medical device, okay? That's obviously not coming down from corporate or whatever. That's obviously not coming down from the top. This is like someone who works in that office decided like, hey, like, do you know what I mean? There's a strange... Yeah. God, the things you see when you're like glanced down behind a counter, like next to a register. Oh my God, sorry. memory.
51:51You want to stop getting bored when you're waiting in line. I just had an unbelievable memory from my dream last night. Look at what's down there. Read the little notes. They got passwords down there. They got everything. I have to make a note. My dream's visceral, unbelievable, being spoon-fed this warm tea. It was like a Chinese medicine herbal tea. You're pushing the tea agenda again. With a huge spoon, with a huge spoon. And it was like so fucking delicious and it was i think it was um juju what's the juju being juju berry what is it um juju bees are a candy yeah yeah no yeah no no juju bean the juju bean chinese date yep it was a tea made with juju bean by the way remember when someone was like and it was in this beautiful silver shaving a frozen date's not gonna work sweetie too high sugar content they were right okay but i'm still an innovator it's still a great idea i'm still an innovator i learned I like to learn by making the mistakes myself.
52:49The true learning. Know your way around the contours of an error. It's almost time to kick to product corner. To product corner. And I have a couple fall winter essentials, including the purchase of this gorgeous. Is that a bolero? It's a cardigan. Okay, I had a feeling. It's my first cardigan. First cashmere cardigan? It's my first cashmere cardigan. It's so gorgeous and cozy. Tell, oh my God, I can't wait to discuss it. I mean, as you know, I'm a cardigan, I'm a cashmere cardigan hog. This is top shelf. Now, am I getting six ply, you know? No. Okay. Wait, who was talking about it? I was in a home recently where there was a plumbing disaster and someone said, my plumber says, don't even use two ply, use one ply.
53:37I've been using plant paper for like a year and a half. How many ply is that? Plant paper ply. oh it's one baby that's one that's woven bamboo it's got to be one it's got to be one by the way here go 25 off you serious yeah i gotta get some plant paper because yeah the dust coming off of my there's no ply it's like a marshmallow because it's not ply because that's not that's not zero ply they don't they don't operate within that schema you see i'm sorry to do it again folks I wonder if people know what I'm about to reference. I mean, few would. What is it? I'm about to reference Mad Men It's Toasted again.
54:18Oh, yeah. Genius. Right, where you make something up. Like, no, I get it. People are going, it's too thin. Ours especially because it's thicker. Two ply. But then we all take it for granted that ply. I mean, you know what it's like? I'm getting rid of my ultrasonic humidifier. Did I already? Anyway, point is, it's on the way out. Because I go unless your water is completely pure. ultrasonic is left healthy because it's turning it into a pure aerosol into the lungs whatever so unless you're unless you're so you just go ultrasonic surely better a finer mist right right reddit says no and yeah yeah if it says it on reddit i'm just deciding if i should save okay i have one more thing i want to share okay final thing and then we go to product corner last night i sometimes like to go all right period you heard me okay sometimes it's like let's take a break with a tampon throw on a pad like it's the 90s oh totally just uh i don't know like like there's something like if you're there's something to me about chain smoking the the tampon that feels like that can't be right right oh god take a break for a few hours but chain smoking the tampon yeah okay start a new one before i finish the old right yeah yeah so i'm gonna throw this on i go what is this okay i'm so proud because i actually have a bin with this shit it's not just like a box floating in my bathroom now.
55:40I have a bin where I throw them. Of period stuff? Yeah. And I go, I reach in, I go, all right. I pull something out. It's two feet long. It's one of these, right? It goes, it's so long, it goes up. It crosses the belly button in the front. Yeah. And it crosses the small of the back in the back, right? It's one of those extremely long pads. Right. For night, I guess. Put it on whatever I got. All right. I'm squatting on the floor, reading something. Who cares? I go, what the fuck? Why do I feel a menthol sensation? Okay. What? I go, this is weird. I start Googling, Google around a little. I ripped this pad off.
56:25I go, am I having an allergic reaction? This isn't what allergic reactions feel like. Okay. But I go, what the hell? I go, I'm getting in the shower. Just what if I, in my bathroom renovations, took some plaster from the wall and somehow ADD'd it right into the orifice, right? Yeah. So I hop in the shower and I start Googling. Thank you, Reddit. Okay. I see minty fresh feeling down there. Okay. Or something. Click through. They go, careful with, I'm sorry, folks. That brand? Honey pot pads. oh, spill that tea. They go, they put essential oils in them and they advertise it, okay? Because it's supposed to relieve cramps, whatever.
57:12Immediate relief. Yeah, right. Some people say, I know. Some people say like - You don't want to put essential oils directly on your skin. Well, or on a mucous membrane. On your pussy, yeah. AKA the inner labia, okay? Yeah, yeah. So I go, wow, thank you, Reddit. I've experienced community in the shower. I'm just in the shower reading, chuckling, chuckling at these people, right? They're going, never forget, Jacqueline Novak takes her phone in the shower, folks. You got to. Never forget. Because you know what? I think of things in there. You know what it is? Curiosity follows me into the shower.
57:45And I need answers. And I need them now. I do. I'm on my phone in the bath often, which is really sad. But yeah. Yeah, I know. Pile of books. Oh, God, I love it. Then, you know, it's really like, like really cozy. Bring like, you're really, really going to get into it. You got to bring a washcloth in there. Protect it. Protect the phone. And I, oh no, to be clear, no, I live free and die hard. I let my phone get water in it, whatever. And sometimes it does and then it dries out. Okay. But I go, sometimes, but for actually doing the tapping, the drops can become a problem. So you need to dry it off.
58:15Anyway, I'm in there chuckling. Okay. They're like, they're like, glad I'm not the only one. Ha ha ha. I see this post is three years old, right? They go, oh my God, this post from three years ago is still relevant. And they go, honeypot has since come out with, you know, it's not even scented. Right. God, the fear I feel when I see a... It's 1115. It's your 1115 alarm. No, it's a call. Remember your... Oh. Anyway, they're like, ha ha, this post is three years old, still getting hits, you know, like still saving lives in here, you know, whatever. And I just thought, wow. And then someone's like, classic example of just because it's natural, it's not always good, you know?
58:50Yep. So I'm just curious. I'm just curious what they were thinking with it being directly on the pad. the pads surface. I mean, I just, you have to be so careful. It's like, yeah, I don't know. That's very odd. All right, into product corner we go. For clarity, folks, what does this mean? If you're premium, you're about to get more episode. If you're not, dear God. Back to you. Dear God, come join us. I hope everyone's enjoying the new episodic newsletter. Look, it's bare bones right now. Okay, but we're adding shit. and there's unlisted videos. Just make sure you're in there, okay? All right, see you in Product Corner.
59:33Love you. Love you.
59:59Thank you.
From the publisher
It’s top of the mornin’ Poog as the hags encourage eavesdropping at dawn. Jacqueline’s honest answer elicits laughter from a school psychologist. An attic tutor rewards Kate with candy. Cutting out the stain as the only elegant solution. The impossibility of appointments, referrals kept in a clock tower. Blue-blockers secured thanks to a strong relationship with a local optometrist. Mom and Popism, doubling back for a bouquet, a mailman’s doctor’s orders. What is the obvious, brutal, and necessary choice?
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