Episode 064: "Don't Touch the Earth"

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1:24Wow. During my Christmas Eve. Was it Christmas Eve the day before? Can't recall. No, it was Christmas Eve. A little last minute. Picked up a little silken bow claw for my mother and my niece like this. I have a lot. I'm bringing in a lot. I bet you do. Wait, first of all, I know that we're past the Christmas season. I know we're past it. Everyone, we're aware. But I just feel the need. No, sorry. We're going to be unpacking Christmas straight through Feb. So get ready, folks. Yeah, yeah. But I just want to say, on Christmas Eve, I went to the viral diner, I would say the hardest table to get right now in Los Angeles, Max and Helen's on Larchmont.

2:12Damn. Okay. Well, first of all. Is that kind of near me? No, probably not. Not really. Well, kind of. It's between us. It'd be actually a great meeting point for us. I like that. I was literally securing, and this is the whole thing in LA. Oh, this is, you know, eight hour wait, seven hour wait. I remember when they opened, I ran into a friend on Larchmont who said she arrived at like - You mean it's, they don't take res is what you're telling me? No res. 9 a.m. Wow. At 9 a.m. was a four hour wait. You know, it's like the joke, right? But I go, I want in. Let's just say that I was literally at a funeral securing the table.

2:45I was at a funeral. Some would call this, you know, sublimation. I was like, I secure a Christmas Eve brunch for four, 11 a.m. I'm floating I get there the meal was I know you were at brunch on Christmas Eve you know how that's when I you were out and I texted your lover and said yeah trust it yeah alright thank you got two TWSBs ready for today's notes as we go because there's a lot to discuss so TWSB eco pens I'm just breaking in because it's really important but we'll get to this in a minute I know you were at brunch in the pouring rain yes, yes, on Christmas Eve because I was wildly plotting a Christmas surprise with your lover going are you guys home?

3:43anyway, but we'll get to that in a minute, the greatest thing I've ever done, we will get to that but I'll just say Max and Helen, you hear this a lot these places that get so much buzz diner nancy silverton listen oh it's nancy silverton you say and the food was worth the hype i'm here to tell you yep yep yep explosive tuna melt best waffle of my life shit remarkable pancake like really cute diner and here are you ready here it comes so christmas eve right there the four of us i actually i have i have manic videos that i will post only for the subscribers because they're they're too embarrassing to let the general public see them you mean the unlisted in the newsletter just folks premium gets a special newsletter every week with unlisted video then i was watching myself later and i was like god i'm annoying like i'm so it's like i have this mania like i secured the reservation isn't the food good we're here we made it who took it because katie was filming okay i didn't realize she was telling me like gearing up to take a bite of the waffle i thought she was like no was it because she knew she knew she was catching you being you or was it just normal filming that happened to catch i think it was just like being like yeah it was like a joke because it was like oh this is the place everyone comes to film themselves eat whatever but i was the food was so pleasurable it was the thing of like when it's happened you're there you set the scene it wasn't that i was unable to be present well of course i was unable to be present but it was like i was so outside myself looking down at myself going it's happening it's happening it's happening the brunch is here it's christmas eve and then what and then what happens to me when i'm in this manic state don't i know it i mean i've walked through paris with you i've walked through paris with you so i understand okay what it means to me in the eye of the storm you know me going of the thing you planned it's really worth talking about right no no this is the work you know never are you so absent from paris as as the moment you touched down in Paris, right?

5:38So funny. I know. I know. I mean, you know, say, you know, the New Year's Eve. So it's the surrounding. It's the, it really is a storm, right? It's an storm of obsession at the eye still. It's my obsession with the wedding day. Now, can you switch? Can you switch? Well, as a child, I was terrified. Okay. I go, I'll never, as a child, I go, I'll never be able to do that. Okay. I go, I'll be so stressed out in the same way that I would cry on my birthday, and it was the release, like we talked about, maybe it was last episode. Once you, come here, boo. Come here, boo. Boo's first appearance in an episode, dare I say?

6:14Boo. It's so cute hearing the meow. But wait, keep going, keep going. So much like last week with the only once you accept that you're disappointed, can the light come in? Okay. Oh, yeah, exactly, exactly. Right, with the lights, I gave your permission. Yeah, it's really true. When am I going to cry? On the birthday, this panic of will it be perfect? Not even perfect, this panic of what if there's something that I'm sad about on my birthday? It'd be so horrible. And I was like, I'll never be able to do a wedding. I'll never be able to survive a wedding day. I'll be praying for cancellation, which is also the only way, in a way.

6:51Can you imagine? You try to make the wedding perfect, the whole thing. You get there that night, and it's like a massive, sorry, snow day. Okay. Whatever. Right. Dream. Okay. Hurricane. And they go, the tent's down. No one's going outside. We're meeting at the local diner. Okay. And suddenly, suddenly the tiger breaks in. Life gets in. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. That's the tiger breaking in. It's true. The tiger breaks in. Muddies up the temple with its paws. Okay. And then you have people going, now I want to get the, this is souvenir tiger. Now I'd like to get the hurricane to the diner wedding please can i get that package then they falsify that for years and then and then someone's left i'd like to get bride trips yeah bride trips down the aisle yeah exactly exactly get a huge laugh or whatever like well by the way if i were ever walking down an aisle i would literally be oh screaming like it's happening it's happening here we are well you also would be like right i mean i mean can you imagine the glances the wild glances i mean it's interesting though oh my managers here it's interesting yeah hi oh you know but i have seen as of you i imagine you know being at the weddings of thousands of public performers okay no but i have seen people who are very much performers and i've noticed they're present and they're not faking it okay ritual pulls them in have you seen them exactly it that's exactly humbled vulnerable well by the way that Wow, totally.

8:19And not the vulnerability of seeing them pedal on stage. No, starving for a moment. Starving for a moment and lapping it up. A substantial moment. Unselfconsciously, like a dog. Well, I went to a wedding, a very casual. Everyone says, oh, a casual wedding. I went to a truly casual wedding a couple days after Christmas. My partner's cousin. and I was blown away by the actual relaxed demeanor of the bride. The actual, like I thought it was a myth. Like, oh, you know, we'll just, she and completely were on the way to the wedding. Okay. Yeah. Oh shit. I forgot. Do you have, do you or can't have any like perfume or anything?

9:04Like, ha ha ha. Oh, um. You were on the way to the wedding. This is already in thing with the bride. Yes. same car no no no no no sorry no not the same car they're they're the bride's already there but it's like last minute like she's walking on the aisle in an hour and it's like can you bring deodorant or like this i was like the thought of like you know what i mean just that and kind of and then getting there and she's literally smiling whatever it's like whatever vibes and then the way of just the the calm the relaxation the openness to the moment like the joyful sweet kind of whatever. Like, I keep on saying whatever, not that it was inconsequential, but just like, she actually was relaxed.

9:44I couldn't, no amount of Lexapro. It was unbelievable. And I was just like, that's interesting. I have to go to the moment of the diner. So imagine me. Okay. I'm in there. I'm flying high. I keep going eight hour away. I go, I'm saying people wait eight hours for this. You know, I'm going and the food really is good. We have a booth. It's cozy. It's Christmas Eve, Jacqueline. The rain is pouring outside. Okay. Were you, were you, were you, okay, good. No, they don't have our booth, right? Okay. That's got to be our booth. That's fine. It's fine. Even if we're up there, it's fine. Walked in seated immediately.

10:17Wild. You knew what you had? Okay. Oh yeah. Well, I walk in and I go, and they go, here's the booth. Of course, reservation was 11. We arrive 11 at one. Okay. And our guests, the two people we were getting, we're already there. I go, this is respect. Okay. Respect the reservation. I've been saying this for years. Respect the reservation. The 15 minute grace period is only for emergencies. You mean if you didn't book it, but you're the sort of guest of it? Both. And booking. Oh, respect the restaurant. Yeah, yeah. Respect the reservation. Yeah. So imagine me, Jacqueline, in this moment of mania, Christmas Eve, you can imagine it, right?

10:49Guess who's in the diner? Guess who's at the next, who's a couple booths over? Are you sitting down? And I want everyone, I want every hag to imagine. And then here it comes. I want to remember, because I wonder if I can call it up. It felt significant. Give it to me. No, I want to say, I want to say. No, yeah.

11:11Leonardo DiCaprio. No, no, no. I want everyone to imagine who would be. And I go, are you kidding me? And then the general manager who's kind enough to get me in, shout out, protecting her privacy. I don't know why. She goes, oh, yeah. Because she's talking about like people are coming. And of course, celebrities constantly are coming and kind of get a table. And she's going, I'm so sorry. Like, no. And she was saying, she's like, I really tried. Oh, she used an industry term for me. It made me so horny. She goes, I don't like to move the book. Oh, hell yeah. She said that. I go, and I said this to her and I meant it.

11:45Can I shadow you? Can I shadow you? I want to shadow her for an afternoon. She goes, I don't like to move the book. And she name dropped a couple of big celebs. She goes, I didn't move the book for them. I go, people, people, local. See, that's a good way. Community members want to come into the diner. I'm not going to move the book for a start. That's a way to jargon lever. this is a new idea I have, okay? Jargon lever a celebrity, okay? Into saying, this isn't your world, right? So the second she says, you know, I'm sorry, I can't move the book for you, okay? The Leonardo, the et cetera, right?

12:20Well, no, no, no. Little something in there. No, no, she might've moved it for Leo. I'm just saying. Little something in the celebrity's heart, I argue, okay? Yeah, yeah. Because I'm not on. I'm just a person. Well, yes, and also. Sorry. Sorry. No, no, no. That's true. Okay. And I want to explore that. Okay. But they go, oh, I'm not on my ground. Okay. I don't know the jargon here. You see what I'm saying? Now they'll learn it quick. Okay. But sorry. I want to do a crucial clarification. She would never say move the book to the person. She was saying that to me like offhanded. Like I don't like to move the book.

12:52Oh, you're backstage? No. You don't know that she wouldn't say it. She doesn't say it. How do you know? She said it to you. I'll ask her. She doesn't. No, no, no, no. Dare I say you're a public personality. No, no, no. Because we're talking shop. We're talking shop. I was dying. I was going, I was going, who's trying to get in? I was going, how long the wait? I was getting - You went into your shop talk. But she goes, but she said that Leo, it was a classic thing where Leo's - I'm just saying she could use a jargon lever in a pinch on them. Okay, okay. And the jargon lever, yeah, okay. Scoops them up and puts them into a new reality.

13:23Interesting idea. Never forget the jargon lever because we're going to bring that up again. And by we, I mean me. You'll have forgotten. No, no. i'll push three on the third time knock on the door of the temple of kate's memory by the way i'm doing a new year we're in january what it's changing a new year i'm jumping all over the place but just just the relationship to the phone it's really changing and i found that and i've been reading i repeat i've been reading i repeat i've been reading and a new year's and memories are coming back childhood memories jacklyn like my brain is opening it's blooming emerging through the pen.

13:57I was driving and I was literally I was like fucking Proust. I was like remembering the Florentine cookies I would eat with my mother after school. These memories, that bakery, the clothes and the way it was and the wooden bar that would wrap around the S curve of the windows on Montana Avenue. I was like, I was going back. Memories were coming. Last night we're watching TV. Sorry, not TV. I want to be clear. Not TV. Movies. Movies. I'm back on movies. I'm watching To Die For. I pause the movie. I go, Murphy. I knew a dog named Murphy. Kirby. I knew a dog named Kirby. small and brown, memories are coming, flooding back with the phone going away.

14:30Miss life or previous? I know. Who knows? Is it time to finally have a legitimate past life memory experience this year? By the way, we had someone reach out to us who does past life regression. Oh, my God. And if you're listening now and you're that person, please reach out again. Again, knock on the door of this temple as many times as needed. never assume no response means no thank you means we haven't read it it's the chaos no so wait leonardo dicaprio call him oh yeah i've thought about this several i can imagine he's he's a he's a spirit he's a phantom he's a ghost he's a statue an idea it was like what yeah what isn't he what isn't he?

15:17I mean, he's one of the only stars we have left. And by the way, I haven't enjoyed seeing him debasing himself doing. I have not enjoyed seeing him. I don't like to see him in my feed. Before Christmas, I was scrolling. I see him in the feed, the bitter feed. I was like, get Leo. No. I go, you're the only one that doesn't do this. Yeah, don't touch the earth. Exactly. Fire your PR team. They're telling you, we need you in the feed. They go, social is, they go they go leo it's a new world social and uh now i do think i think you know there's also a trust in leo he can do no wrong i couldn't believe it it felt like it felt like watching your parents have sex or something it was like except without the like it was like seeing him speak in the crass like leo don't come here i know we do it we dirty our feet okay in the podcast world is kind of a satirical performance art piece.

16:12Okay. Leo, stay away, Leo. Stay away, Leo. Now also, fair enough, Leo. You know what I always called him? Leo Dio. Have you ever heard this? Oh, I like that. I've never heard that. Growing up Leo Dio, even though his last name is not Dio Rio, but there's something to it. Leo Dio. Decap. Leo Dio Decaprio. Been too good for too long. Am I right? it's unbelievable too good for too long who's that good from from childhood on god damn yeah no no it's unbelievable but you can imagine the so she goes leo's here yeah oh my she said it oh christ in heaven yeah the the the manager said it from the back well because i was i was i was like i was like what stars we got what stars we got you know i'm being kind of loud almost where are you no to my face in the booth she's standing next to the booth so she did it on the floor no no and she doesn't do it like this she actually she wasn't like guess what right we were talking about this and moving the books and i go that's amazing and and she goes i don't want the book she goes i mean you know just now we don't have to campfire walked up and i go well i go okay well i go excuse me what huh huh he's here he's right over there did you whip or did you stay calm i immediately go i just want to take you whip i stayed completely calm you kept her gaze going if he's here he's not leaving the next two seconds she was so calm so professional so whatever that i almost like it was like i couldn't believe what she was telling me i was like wait here right now she's like yeah and i was like oh so i go i need a look i'm not gonna here's what i'm gonna do i go give me the exact placement of him in the room got it i get up to do to go to the bathroom he's in i get up to do my big looking oh his girlfriends are at the table without him he's not there.

17:59You go, guess I'm going to find him in line at the bathroom. Holy shit. Two bathrooms. I walk up to the bathroom area. One door opens, a man walks out, not Leo. You go. I hear water in the other bathroom. I go, that's Leo.

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21:38I go, that's Leo, baby. And I go, I'm going to wait. Okay, this is, this is, imagine this. imagine because you almost could have started the story matt you know when you're in a hallway okay waiting for the bathroom and you know there's someone in this one and you're waiting for it wait a second though wait sorry i got distracted realizing something are you standing there with an open bathroom that's now empty that you could enter and a closed bathroom that he's in yes no no this is borderline stock one of the train thought experiments okay because you know i mean And this is like, what do you do?

22:13Right? This is what you do. It is upon you, technically, right? To go straight into the bathroom that you were waiting for. Of course. Now, I'm assuming no one was behind you, obviously. No one was behind me. Because imagine this. Do you go, oh, you go ahead. I'm waiting for somebody. I'm waiting for a friend. No. So here's what I do. This is so embarrassing to admit it. You tie your shoe. I take out my phone and I begin to do a fake phone call. Like, I'm not going to go to the bathroom yet because I'm on a phone call. Because I go, why else? I go I go it's raining outside I gotta take this work call why else am I in this hallway why else would I be waiting here with the open bathroom so I'm hearing water I'm hearing something I go uh-huh okay yeah well you know if you go if you you know it's in my email but you heard water and you go did you go like were you like what's he doing in there he would wash his hands that long or like were you kind of like yeah yeah I was just like and then and then I'm kind of like let's fucking go come on so i'll tell you what happened wait a second wait a second sorry talk about slow it down slow it down okay because i just want to live in this yeah so many questions along the way right i go i go yeah now you there were two bathrooms in a hall right and he's not at the table that's all you know right it's all i know how did you know it was his table pouring rain outside you know the girlfriend because i see his and you know who she is like okay so she's a famous model.

23:36Yeah, yeah. I just mean, so you go, he's here. Oh, there's his girlfriend. Okay. And you go, now you didn't do a quick look through the windows. Okay. It's pouring rain out. Right. There's no business being out there. So you're only assuming that he's in there. Yes, exactly. Now it's a pretty good assumption, but technically. I don't know. Technically, I don't know. We don't know. It's an assumption. The whole place in case he was talking to someone looming over another table. Yes, it's tiny. The diner's tiny. He was not, I mean, no. You're like, he's in there. He's in there. He's in there. All right.

24:05I've got him. I'm cornered. I got him cornered. So fucking mosquito, bitch. Okay. Sorry. Me flying in. She's not a freak. She's Emmy nominated. Okay. So you call me and get me on the phone and FaceTime. She's not a freak. She's Emmy nominated. She's not some freak. I get you on FaceTime. What year were you nominated for an Emmy? Was that the same year as the Critics Choice? I am on the phone. I'm on the fake phone. He's taken time. I go, I'm waiting. Sorry. I'm waiting. And then I go, Kate. And are you doing talking or only listening on the fake phone at this? Talking both. I'm talking to talking to.

24:38And how are you afraid the screen's going to light up? What are you doing about that? A little bit. I have a concealed. I mean, again, it's a small hallway. I feel like I'm good. And then I go, Kate, I go, you got to give it up. I'm not waiting this long. I go, it's too much. So I go, okay, well, talk to you later. Bye. and I go into the bathroom. I pee. I go, you're funny. And then I come out and this was hard to swallow. I go, Kate, you're going to get a look when you go back to the table. Relax. He's gone. She's gone. Go back. So this was a classic case of going to use the restroom before we leave.

25:12The point is I come out, they're fucking gone and I am crestfallen. But then I sit down and I go, you know what? This is the greater poetry of the story. you know by the way i've seen him in the flesh before okay um we were in the same film for christ sake okay but but there's very few people there's very few people that hold that power and i would say i mean i i'd be very excited to see nicole kidman like there's a like but those celebs but But she's, it's Leo. You know, it's, anyway, the point is he's gone. I'm fine. We have the meal. Unbelievable generosity. They give us four Max and Helen hats.

25:59Wow. We'll have the picture for the subscribers. Slash I might post it to my personal gram. And I get a mug. I get a Max and Helen's mug. It was a fabulous breakfast. We're in and out. By the way, they're fast. The food's coming out fast. Point is, we go next door to the bookstore. Naomi says to me, he's here. No. What? He was in the bookstore next door. Yeah. So I got my look. What bookstore? He's got the classic. He needs a new hat. It's right next to Max and Holland. Oh, dark hat? I'm not sure what it's called. Classic. And the COVID mask. Poor thing. Breathe, Leah. We need you to breathe. Well, it's working.

26:40He's working. He's working. He's got to protect. No, he's not. Oh. You mean because he can't get a movie made in his town? No, it's the COVID. And I understand the mask was really protective in a lot of circumstances. I go, Christmas Eve, you're out. Larchmont, honey, it's quiet here. Come on, take your mask off, Leo. See, that's funny, though, Kate, because who are you telling? You're telling yourself. What? Am I right? Telling myself what? You had decided in your rules, magic rules, magical thinking, okay? Yeah. Okay, Christmas Eve, Larchmont, I'm not wearing a mask out there. Okay, Kate, because you're afraid of sickness a lot, you might wear a mask.

27:15No, no, no, no. He's not wearing it for sickness. he's wearing it for anonymity. You can't be serious. Oh, 100%, sweetheart. He's always wearing that thing. It's anonymity. And I understand. He doesn't want - COVID mask for anonymity? He doesn't want people to take his pictures. He's doing it constantly as paparazzi protection. Mask and COVID. I mean, everyone, this is what the stars are doing. No, this is hysterical. Because at this point, is it not a flag? Like the hat used to be, the hat and glasses. Totally. Something's up. Yeah, totally, totally. Okay, wait, hold on. The status symbol. I don't want to push this agenda.

27:49What agenda? I want to tell the story of what you just sent. Okay, great. Because it was occurring while you were at brunch on Christmas Eve. Yeah, yeah. Okay, go, go. Okay. Now, you don't know. I mean, you might think this isn't a story, okay? But I think it's cozy to hear about, okay? Somebody just pull up my texting behind, you know, unbeknownst to you, right? The time. Yeah. I think. Yeah, totally. So it's Wednesday, 12, 15 p.m. Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve. Okay. And I've already texted you. Leo's here. Leo's here. I was texting you. Right. Oh yeah. I think so. Oh yeah. I had to. Because like I find it quite exciting.