Episode 066: "Wretched Valley Beauty Closet Cleanout"

0:00Hi guys, it's us. This is what you might call an ad, a little pre-roll in the jargon of the biz. and we're here, yeah, to annoy you with an ad that isn't the content, why? So we can remind you of the importance, the honor, the glory, the humility of joining premium, becoming a premium subscriber. When you show us with cash that you enjoy the show, we bring something to your life. Who the hell knows? We're a community here, as you know, and as you very well know, we are now, we're independent. We do this all ourselves. We are producing the show. We have no suits. We have no big, you know, the headquarters.

0:39They're gone. It's just us. We're the headquarters. So every dollar that you give us goes directly into the show. You are a producer of the show when you become a subscriber. So enjoy this episode and please go to berlantnovac.supercast.com and become a subscriber. Two best friends, both alike in dignity. Nurturing phantoms and courting the muse. The hag divines when something must die. Yes, that was Pug, but this is huge. The ego loves to seek, but never to find. It was Berlant and Novak the whole time. Hi. Greetings from the wretched valley where I live. I'm in a horrible mood. And Jacqueline, and I do think it's true that it will lift, but I am like, I have piss and vinegar running through my veins.

1:31I'm so fucking. Yeah. And then by the way And then I go Well whatever I was like I'm fucking hungry There's no food in the house I go I just throw on clothes I run to get food Okay The food was good But then I got I was like I'm actually not gonna get A caffeinated beverage Because I do think I drink too much caffeine Okay Oh wow I get the most fucking Disgustingly undrinkable Chicory latte By the way It's poison You're not feeling good And you decide That's the day To not do caffeine Is Bold I had already had caffeine Oh okay I had had caffeine in the morning but I got one coffee a day. Wait, Boo is essentially humping the cozy earth, okay?

2:07I'm trying to get him out of view. This is a thing some of them do to regulate their nervous system. It's not sexual. I repeat, it's not sexual, okay? I'm not offended. I think keep it in frame. But listen, the chicory latte was so fucking disgusting. I drank half of it. It cost$84 ,000. I drank half of it. Wait, what kind of latte? Chicory. Oh, right. Some bullshit. Chicory root? Yeah, with like mushroom powder and things that like, it's probably ashwagandha, like disgusting ass powder. Left with like poison taste in my mouth. Just with anger, ate these drum roll vanilla glazed protein donuts, vegan.

2:46No, I mean, sure, but this is not. I literally needed something in my mouth. I needed a flavor that wasn't. Right, to get rid. The boiling poison. Also, I'm literally in a depression from leaving Ojai, like only having one night in Ojai. It's like, I'm forging a new life in Ojai. I can't do this anymore. Yeah, yeah. I still haven't been. Oh, shout out to El Roblar, my favorite hotel. Unbelievable. Unbelievable beauty. Visited the turtle conservancy. Wow. Visited the turtle sanctuary. Unbelievable. Looking at the tortoises. Tortoises are land animals. Conservancy. The turtle conservatory where they practice music.

3:26Yeah, I know. The conservancy. Conservancy. Oh, my God. See, this is the kind of shit I don't have in me right now is to be stupid. You know, you weren't doing anything. You just said like conservators. And it led. You started saying that. And I started thinking. I didn't know. Like I was trying to think which word it was. And then I was imagining. Conservation center. Like a bunch of turtles in a conservatory. I know. That's cute. How marvelous it would be. Can you imagine them like so easily? You know, working a symphony. Strings. Yeah. See, we both want symphony for them. You know? So you're calling in from Wretched Valley.

4:01I am buoyed lightly. Great. Why? Who knows, right? But perhaps it's the tech. I've been organizing my tech, which gives me a sense of bounty. I have so many cameras and Zoom H4Ns and Zoom Q2Ns and, of course, my DJI Osmo, et cetera, et cetera, right? and I've got the sting hanging around my neck that I bought for this podcast right I'll reveal it now lap cam okay okay uh-huh all right so hey you know I want to show you guys something right down here okay boom all right listen or she's holding a can of celsius yeah okay now I'm holding get ready for this boom a phone case oh wow a poog phone case I produced years ago.

4:53It's really nice. An old iPhone. I'm thinking about how to, I have four old iPhones. I'm cracked and they have various limitations, but I'm thinking of, what's it called? Repurposing them. Okay. Cat monitors, et cetera. Oh, but I was going to say earlier, I did the unthinkable and I actually managed to order new pads for these old earphones. Can you imagine? Oh, wow. That is. Finding them, discovering I own the N700, Bose, and going. Speaking of unthinkable. I've found for years, they're still good. Yeah. A car hit my, my parked car, a car hit my car and didn't leave a note. My back bumper is fucked.

5:35Like. Are you serious? It's drivable. Yeah. But like the feeling of violation. When did you discover it? So I went, drove my car, went on a walk, came back, and then I was walking to the back to get in the car, I guess, went around the front. When I parked around the back and I go, what? My God. And so, yeah, someone hit my parked car. And dent? Beyond. Wow. Part of the thing like came off. Not just like a tap. How did you react in the moment? I just, I was silent. I just silently took it in. I was like, are you fucking kidding me? I can't believe you took it in silently. Yeah, I didn't like exclaim.

6:10My watercolor kit. is ready that I got as a gift. Do you see it? Oh, I have one of those. Yeah. I'm pretty excited. Yeah, it's great. Your watercolor of candles went out on the newsletter. Oh, yeah. My first watercolor. Yeah, beautiful. The way they're kind of leaning in the wind. So I had a fantasy. You're low energy. Beyond. So I'm wondering if this might be ideal. Yeah. You lay down, okay? I take myself and my technology to the hall closet, otherwise known as my vanity. Sure. My beauty closet. Sure. And we go hard. Okay. We go hard. All right. In there. And see what happens. Do it. Maybe this is a time, folks, that you can use this.

7:00This could be a repeat recording. You come, you sit in front of your closet. When you're trying to organize. Exactly. You go do a drawer while we do a drawer. I mean, I bet that would work. I think so. Time to, to, to organize. So let me just open this up. So, you know, why am I cleaning it out? Well, you know, it's sort of like I have so many products, right? Thanks to the podcast and a mindset of, I don't know what leads me to not get rid of them. And, you know, it's so dense in there. I feel Kate I feel a classic brewing Okay I love that Gerol Steiner will help me Oh really The only thing that can help me in this moment is planning a trip back to Ojai Well it sounds like Alright I just had to make sure I wasn't connected to anything physically Alright I'm taking everything Something's dragging behind me Oh ring light I can't help me now No the tech folks are going Surely there's a better way Of course there is Alright Oh my god someone sent me this thing Kate you know the phrase well i'll just i'll give it to you straight it was an add thing okay it was like it doesn't need to be done it just needs to be perfect that was like the add mindset right right i don't even know if that's really your style of add kind of like doesn't sound like you like not really actually you just do good shit and i don't know you you know what like you i don't really see you like wrecked with perfectionism i don't know but i don't have the perfectionism thing i don't you'll have a strong whatever about quality like you'll be like yeah yeah that's not funny enough or whatever like yes it's not good but it's a play on you know the common wisdom which is it doesn't have to be perfect just has to be good and i just thought it was its own genius presentation of oh kate i'm looking around yeah i want to throw away books oh yeah you go fuck that i'm not reading it like i'm looking at books people wrote i go this fucking bullshit well if you see anything on there when did anyone and their fucking mother become i'm gonna write a book too everyone and their goddamn cousins have a book now i'll write a book too it's called whoa it's called here goes another one the thing though i will i'll push back on okay because it's really easy to say that try writing a book no i know i'm and again i'm in a wretched mood you know what i mean yeah but you're an amazing writer no i just mean like like oh no no I'm with you I'm with you it's just um I'm trying not to take your mood personally it's not personal no I know I mean like I'm articulating that I'm like it's kind of interesting like that I have to say that to myself by the way I'm being a cunt it makes sense that you have to say that to yourself because you know it's not personal it has nothing to do with you all right so what's really you know challenging is that not only am I going to go through this my beauty closet with you in a rapid fire assessment.

10:00It's actually good. You know why? When you're in that wretched mood. Oh, I'll be like, get rid of it now. You're very good at throwing things out. Again, I'm looking at books right now going, I have a thing of like, I never throw away books. I mean, who does? Who recycles books? That's like evil. But even just like, it's really hard for me to part with a book. But right now I'm looking at books going gone, gone, fucking idiot. Yeah. Trash, useless, garbage. Who the hell do you think you are all these books no no you need to you need you know no it's it's a huge issue and actually you do need to get rid of books you don't recycle them like paper but you you leave them no you leave them on the street to donate and people take them and i don't think they're burning them for firewood you know what i mean oh you know what you know what's cute there's actually a little local i bet there is i have a neighborhood i have a neighborhood give one take one and they're yeah so i'll put a trash book in there and you don't have to take any yeah i'm gonna put some of these pieces of fucking shit in there all right so the first element of organization that's gonna happen in here okay and we can see hints of you know what i did in the past so you see what that is that's a um plastic container full of tampons and and um and a pat Okay, it shoves in next to the lazy susan here.

11:17We have my travel thing that we both have the same one, right? Okay, i'm going on the road in a couple weeks, by the way, that's from pia. That's a pia baroncini what that Told you back. I got because of pia. Really? That's how you heard about it. Yes, that's how you heard about it. Not me. No pia What do you mean we're going on the road in a couple weeks? No, I said i'm going on the road in a couple weeks or a couple months news to me just touring. But so it becomes the question of what does one want, right? So here are these things. We always talk about these, right? The new shinkus, right? Yeah.

11:52I always pack it. This is eucalyptus all natural hydrating hand sanitizer with jojoba, rose canina, argan, and Australian eucalyptus. Now I ask, I bring it everywhere. Do I ever use it? No, but it's too risky not to take it. What do you mean? You don't use hand sanitizer? Like I forget I have it. with me it doesn't really happen it's sort of like people think you shouldn't even use it i use it constantly but where do you keep this the no shinku i have my purse i never have a purse without a no shinku basically but at the airport if you're traveling tom bin no airport tom bin i have a dr bronner's peppermint bigger um hand sanitizer because it has a more spray the shinku is a little discreet in your purse spritz spritz yeah the dr bronner's is my favorite hand sanitizer for covering more territory.

12:39Okay, here we go. All right. So I'm going to leave this in here for right now. Dirty makeup sponges. Ew, I hate makeup sponges. I mean, I don't wear foundation, so... Throw them away. Boom. Okay, this is my only Pat McGrath lip liner. Now, it happens to not fundamentally be a great shade for me. I can't see the shade. Oh, sorry. So sheer panic, right? Ew, that's hideous color. Get rid of it. No, not break it off, you know, for someone who... Hideous. Get rid of it. No, for someone else, I mean. Yeah, sure. Yeah, well, I can't handle that. Right now it's going in the same trash pile. Throw it away.

13:13Okay. Yeah. I need them. I mean, I need hair bands on the road and they tend to get tangly and then trashed. So I'm going to have a package in there that's going to go. You literally need to own 50 hair bands. Yeah. You need to own 50 hair bands to have one because they're never anywhere. They're gone forever. I even think that's too small. They're always everywhere. So you need like 160. Except with a cat, by the way. They can like eat them and it can cause problems. So you really got to lock that shit down. Oh no. A bunch of makeup brushes. Maybe dump. So this is about a fantasy that I'm going to get serious about my makeup and be sitting there backstage and really doing it before the show.

13:54What do I do? You and I are so different in that way. Put it with the tampons? Well, I do it. I mean, I do it fast. Fast and quick and dirty. But I kind of, I like love putting on makeup. I mean, I used to before the depression took you away in high school. Okay, I was like, you know, the whole thing. I mean, not every time, but... I still believe. So should I put these in a pile to wash them? Again, can't see them. I think a good idea would just be to stick them up on that shelf. Wash them. Get a big bowl with some nice, just some soap and just wash them. This ADD thing where you like handcuff yourself to whatever you're doing and you can't walk away and you just finish cleaning the counter, you know?

14:37I feel like that's what's happening now because I kind of can't move because of the way I'm wired to the situation. Just throw it. All we're doing right now is keep throw away, keep throw away. Really? Yes. All right. But I really feel strongly the other camera has to go. It makes no sense. Just hold it up to the main camera. All right, hold on. It's just, it's unusable. The other camera. Oh, I see what you're saying. I see what you're saying. Sure. okay is it is it unusable or is it providing interesting information

15:12listeners might be curious to know that i'm now giving giving the finger to kate in the um in the secondary all right hold on you are like bitch of saying things are unusable it's like and it's funny because wait hold on i can't hear you let me take this off

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17:13Hi, it's us again, breaking in with an ad. We're here to encourage you and beg you to become a paid subscriber to the show. When you pay$10 a month to listen to this show, you're going to get a bonus episode every month. These are full video episodes that you can queue up and watch on your little Spotify TV situation app, or you can straight up listen to your preferred way. And that's a real episode, guys. Okay. And sometimes it's a realer episode. Sometimes it's realer because we go, well, this isn't for general public. Yeah. We can really go deep. We can tell secrets. we can kind of say things we wouldn't necessarily say on the public feed.

17:51Yeah, we go, this is bonus, this is behind a payable. These people care. These people love and trust. So we love and trust them. That's what$10 a month gets you. Or$100 a year if you'd pay yearly. There are things even recently. Remember, I remember I was getting a little personal recently on an episode. I go, okay, well, this is definitely a bonus. Because I go, this is subscribers only. I can't have this floating around. Sometimes we're recording, you know, what we'd call a regular episode. Yeah, and we go, uh-oh. this is going to have to go behind the$100 a year or$10 a month paywall because no way this can go out for the free feeders.

18:24Okay, these people have got one foot in. I just cannot overemphasize that the bonus episodes. I mean, if you're not getting those, are you really a listener of the show? I mean, that's one fifth. That's one fifth of the show that you're not getting. So anyway, we'll let you go with that. But go to berlantnovac.supercast.com or any of the links in the various places where the links exist.

18:55I need magic body spheres. I haven't had it in weeks. It would be really good if, all right, all right, all right, all right. Are you ready? I'm booking magic. I'm like, oh, my God, I haven't had magic body spheres. Wait, how soon can you get in? That's why I'm also so stressed. Because I was thinking of going. You could get in immediately. I was thinking of going because I have an event tomorrow night. I mean, she books up. She kind of books, but you could. No, it's not like that. It's not like there'll be nothing the day of. Oh, maybe that's not true. Tomorrow, I don't. I mean, you could try, but I don't think so.

19:27It's usually like at least a week in advance. I think it'll have to be home efforts. All right. So next up, I have found 3M medical tape. Why? Because someone said it was the best for mouth taping. Now, I forgot I had it. It was one of these things where when packing for the road, I thought I would try it. You see? Didn't we get sent a mouth tape? I feel like I lost it immediately. It was sent and I immediately lost it. I know. I keep seeing it and then losing it again. So I'm going to throw this down in medical. I have a medical area. I wanted my pullout alpha shelves. Also, per my mood or whatever, my aura ring did something that's never even done before this morning.

20:09It was like, let's go into rest mode. we're going to turn off your activity scores and everything wow just focus on rest it's never done that wow it's like your resting heart rate was elevated or whatever yeah like your heart rate was up all night i go i bet yeah well you'll be pleased to know that in addition to my whoop i am adding an aura because i got bullied into it so remember years ago we got auras for free well I just decided to re-up you know this year to tack it on just have another wearable and I pay for a subscription for the year like$350 or something right for what? for the subscription to the Aura.

20:52Wait what the hell? I use the Aura? What subscription? I mean it's subscription based so Am I paying? Well you either paid at the top or you finally activated the free year they gave us. See what I'm saying? but it's subscription-based. You're kidding. I mean, it's like yearly. You'll have to check, but. I'm being billed in K every two weeks and I have no idea. Well, some of the things I'm being billed for right now that I can't, I wake in the night going, oh God, I signed up for that app. I signed up for so much software. Okay, it's exhausting. So much software to organize my life. I can't find it.

21:29It's like, and by the way, like now I feel like I'm getting fucked by rocket money. Like rocket money is just charging my ass nonstop. you know what i mean oh my god am i still on rocket money like i know it's like yeah like have you been like checking in with your rocket money no it's been a year wait jacqueline i don't see anywhere on the aura app anything about a membership or money that i'm spending fucking anywhere well maybe you're not somehow oh manage membership i'm so scared what membership here we go oh shit oh no what does it say oh my god this is so wait what is this i had no fucking idea

22:14here we are starting the new year now january to me is his cashmere okay it's post christmas it's oh my mother she blessed me with a cashmere sweater my god do i have it good and you won't believe me when I say my mother paid out of pocket for a snow white quince cashmere sweater for me. Literally. Okay. You'll see me wearing it on an episode. Soon I'll send a photo in it. It's glorious. Who else got a quince cashmere? My father. Why? I got him one years ago. He loved it. He begged for more. My mother got him one. So I'm just saying cashmere affordable from quince. It's real. It's here to stay.

22:51I gifted a quince soft Mongolian cashmere sweater to my partner's mother for Christmas. She loves it. Yeah. Yep. Are you freaking serious? So two parents have received quince sweaters. Okay. Okay. This is a big deal. And my own mother loves quince. Really? I told her, she goes, oh, I love quince. I go, please use my code. She didn't even know. I know. Use the code HAGS, guys. So the cashmere, I'll bring it up again and again. I wear it again and again. I've been wearing their cashmere for years. I was an early adopter and I continue. Now, Quince did point out something which I have not tried yet and I am curious to try and I'm hoping they'll send one.

23:31Okay. The Italian wool coat. Ooh, yeah. A lot of people are talking about the Italian wool coat as a real Quince standout. Beautifully tailored, soft to the touch, built to carry you through years of wear, not just one season. Quality is going to show in every detail, stitching, fit, fabric, every piece thoughtfully designed to be your new wardrobe essential. And like everything from Quince, each piece is made with premium materials and ethical trusted factories, and then priced below luxury brands. By the way, guess what? Are you sitting down? I purchased from Quince a beautiful 100 % Italian leather passport holder for myself and my partner.

24:09No. I had no idea. You did it on your own. So yeah, here we are. It's January. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Don't wait. Oh, don't wait. Go to quince.com slash hags for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Yeah. Talk to you in January of next year. And that'll be your moment where you go, I can still return it, but you won't want to. now available everyone in canada too that's q u i n c e dot com slash hags to get free shipping and 365 day returns quince.com slash hags wait are you fucking oh my god are you paying monthly wait how much yes like you're not even on the yearly where you say i had no idea my god okay Six bucks a month.

25:03Okay, that's not bad. That's not bad. Six bucks a month I can handle. Yeah. But when you obsessively sign up for a lot of shit like me, six bucks add up to hundreds. No, no, I hear you. I hear you. It's wild. I will never stop being shocked by how numbers add up. They add up like crazy. You know what I'm saying? It's wild. So my aura, right? So we got a free one years ago. They gave us a year, whatever. I decide a couple months ago, you know, I have this aura sitting here. I might as well use it. Fuck it. Let's pay for the prescription. There was something that attaches or maybe it was because it attached to a glucose monitor.

25:37I was like, that's interesting, Aura. I'll get into it. So I pay whatever the fuck it is yearly. In my mind, it's like$300, but maybe it's not. The Aura is charging. It's on the charger. It gets to 100%. I take it off and it registers 1%. And I'm like, oh no. I look it up. Gen 3, they're like, they have this problem. okay because it's years old mine hasn't had that problem yeah i just some some do right and i go hello right and then they go into a whole thing and they go we'll give you a 200 gift card now the thing costs like 400 or something okay so oh so you're out 200 yeah just don't do it you have your whoop fuck it no i just did it because i'd already signed up for the subscription and i'm a few months in okay and i'm a few months in and now i did get into the chat so so multiple times i've gone into the chat with with aura help bought okay escalated to a real person okay trying to get four months back me going i don't remember but i know i've been paying and i haven't been using it i'm like can't you look you know what i mean yeah can't you see it hasn't turned on in years right and they did finally go yes you know we'll credit you three months whatever i just go the only way out is to buy the goddamn new aura and so i did it to end this madness so i've now paid a couple hundred or whatever it was but plus a brand new aura well i you know and i got the months off so it's like yeah so i don't know what's happening point is but the months are like five dollars maybe i signed up for something like heavy duty i don't know kate because like I don't think it was$5.

27:22What I looked at is$5 a month,$5.99. But it had to end. And so I had to. Anyway, the sizing kit's coming next week. Oh, but the thing is, I went through this process with the help thing multiple times. Okay. I'd be in the app with them. They go, hold on a minute. We're going to get you your discount code. You know, I'd leave the app for a second. Space. Come back. I see a message. Are you still there? Okay. I guess we'll just end this chat. No. No discount code. That happened like four times. The strength it took a couple nights ago. I sat there with nothing. I go, I'm staying in Aura. I'm staying in Aura.

27:57Like I'm staying in the bot. And you know, I got in and I got out. I mean, that was a huge win for the family. All right. I think because I'm feeling so stressed out, it's really imperative. I don't know the answer, but I like to ask this question. Yeah. That it's imperative I get out my PEMF mat and lay on it later. Yes. Yes, finally, Kate. It's so heavy. I have to get it down out of the garage. I literally wrote P-E-M-F mat. The mat's not that heavy. I think the blanket is heavier. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And once it's there, it folds in three like a letter in an envelope, okay? Yeah. Okay. And I really believe you should leave it on your floor except for when you have company over.

28:35Yeah. Okay. Are you getting it? Are you going to get it? Dropper? Yeah. All right. So have you tried this? Because I tried it twice. So this is the Abbe Royale. I never got that. advanced we all know jeanuse youth watery oil i never got that scent really i never got that scent right look all that scared me just fucking christ god my adrenals are shot you see that that was like that reaction i know i'm i'm shocked like i'm shockable too like oh it's guerlin oh wait we were sent that i gave it away who did i give that shit to now how did you instantly know i just knew how did you know to give it away i just knew i wasn't going to use it to integrate a product you have to fucking commit to it for three months you have to go hard or else there's absolutely no point and i go i'm not i'm not committing so when i opened this so it's youth watery oil it was hard too because it was expensive it was expensive 150 damn age-defying face serum i can't but i've used it twice so what am i gonna do leave it in the in the laundry room you know like is anyone gonna want it maybe they will because it's been open yeah i think i think it's got to go in the trash right let me see how much is there also because it's been open for like two years.

29:47So throw it away. Oh, it's barely used. Ah, fuck. I don't know. Are all the actives destroyed now? I don't know if there's a lot of actives, but you know what I'll tell you isn't destroyed. And I hate to say it, but I think we got to be real with the listener. You open it up. I take a whiff. I almost fainted. It's like a bottle of perfume. Ew. In the trash it goes. It's as scented as you could possibly get. Maybe that's why I threw it away. I looked at the ingredients probably. Well, that's what I was thinking. Yeah, that's why she got tossed. All right, Defendage. Remember this? This is two-minute reveal.