REMIX: The Law Offices of Berlant & Novak Pt. 1

16:42Jacqueline Novak:I just knew, I knew that it was a private party.

16:44Kate Berlant:I knew that the card was down. So if you just ask the bartender, hi.

16:46Jacqueline Novak:Yeah, it's a 20 person party. And he sees that you've been talking to the partner. I had a tequila soda on the company. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. I'm in. I'm in. What are they going to do? Hey, you can't have drinks here? No. No, no, no. Not after we're dancing and making them experience joy for the first time in their life. Yeah, literally connecting with life.

17:01Kate Berlant:The entire reason they came on the vacation. The entire reason they came on the vacation. Is spontaneously. Sometimes you have to be for someone else. That's the entire reason they came on the vacation. You have to actually serve that up a lot in life.

17:12Jacqueline Novak:I mean, if you're, if we're poor, you know. We're like, we cannot believe that the night ended with that. Like the trip ended with that. Just unbelievable. We go back to our room. We're sharing this room. It's around 1230. I hear all of a sudden. Wait, wait. Okay, no, it's so scarier. So, okay. So we're in this unbelievable lagoon cottage on the water. Yes. Fucking psychotic. Okay. It's the nicest place I've ever stayed. and we're in there and we hear something. We're brushing our teeth together, his and her things. And we hear like something that is enough to make us both kind of turn around and go, what was that?

17:50Jacqueline Novak:And it kind of, kind of, Ooh, a little scary. Like, Oh, you know, is it a fucking like animal? Like what the hell? So we hear that we're kind of scared, but then we immediately dissolves. We're brushing our teeth. John goes into the bedroom area. I'm in the bathroom. And I hear, I hear John say, Whoa, you guys, I go in two drunk lawyers are standing in a hotel room wait wait wait wait no no no no my adrenaline shoots through the roof two drunk men in the room here to clearly rape and murder I start to scream I don't scream I go get the fuck out of here wait wait wait

18:29Kate Berlant:John goes out first you're still in the bathroom

18:32Jacqueline Novak:and then you hear John say guys John I'm in the bathroom but it's like one open I hear John go I heard John as if a puppy has wandered in. I heard John say like, well, you guys, like, what are you doing here? I go in.

18:43Kate Berlant:So they entered the fear. They're not at the door. They entered. So they're standing at the foot of our bed. He's not at the door and people have kind of argued their way in. They've already walked in. They've already walked in.

18:53Jacqueline Novak:John Hurley saying guys. No, John Hurley is like, guys. I was like. Okay, so give me, let's give it to me for real. I say, what the hell? And I'm like, and one of them. So one of them is the guy. We're the best law firm in the world. It's that guy. Of course he is. The super hammered guy and then a less hammered, but still very hammered guy. The very hammered guy is walking in and he's fully in. The other guy is still kind of lingering by the doorway. And they're like, this is our room. This is my room. I go, this is not your room. They're like, this is our room. And I'm like, this is not your fucking room.

19:24Jacqueline Novak:I was like, you need to get the hell out of here right now. And I walk outside. I encourage them to get outside and to be in more public space. And just because I didn't feel, I soon realized, okay, they're not being aggressive. have drunk they're actually so hammered and i think they actually are confused like something's going on that i don't understand but this is the scariest thing in the world and there's a good chance they are staying in a lagoon room yeah i don't feel the need to scream like but i because it's also the resort small it's quite it's like if i were to scream everyone would hear whatever but this one guy won't get the fuck out of here and he's like this is my suitcase like that is not your suitcase it's our suitcase is john saying anything too like is john not protecting me i peacocked i was pumping i was like yeah you went i was like you went like the masculine energy switch got turned and i was like get the fuck how the hell do i not have this on film this is devastating i know i know so i'm like yelling loud enough being like get your fucking get the hell out of here whatever they wander out we close you're not trying conversational

20:31Kate Berlant:at all you're not like i i feel like i would just know i'm get the fuck out get the fuck out okay

20:35Jacqueline Novak:no i i'm pure anger i have the adrenaline surging i'm like how the hell are they in here what's going are they you know but then i'm again i'm also clocking okay they're not being like physically aggressive or anything like they're they truly are so hammered but i there's nothing worse on earth than drunk people like it's just the scariest it's like horrifying like the last of us like the zombies like that's just alcoholism like if it's all around and it's like and I'm just like so scared of them because they're so out of their minds and so I immediately call the front desk and I'm like hi there are two drunk lawyers did you say lawyers because I know they're from the retreat I'm like there are two drunk men from the lawyer retreat they're in our room they got in the guy's like okay lock your door like do you want me to send security I was like yes you do need to wait were they out yet were they out were they out yeah they're out they're out but i close your door by the door and i'm like and you call the hell did they get in there how the hell and then and john was like was the door open maybe the door was open i was like the door was not open i opened the door and closed it there's no fucking way that door was open so i call the front i hear and then i hear one of them outside the our key worked for your room or something like oh how do we get in so there's an there's an identical lagoon cottage directly

21:47Kate Berlant:across okay i think okay this is so i'm like maybe the lawyers becomes first of all wait don't forget they're lawyers so watch their defense closely and what about key work what about you work

21:58Jacqueline Novak:so show us i'm still like we can't well by the way i'm like imagine being dead asleep and the door opens and there are men in there i mean that's literally your life's ruined can't sleep ever again i mean but the point is they're gone so i watch them i go okay they're in i go so clearly okay at least that is still can't cross the way that is their room but like what the hell they weren't angry like I wasn't I was like okay we're going to sleep sleep like a baby um but oh I said to John so as soon as they left I go this room is free I say to John and I'm walking around I'm walking around the room so sure I go if they think we are paying for this night

22:39Kate Berlant:now it's your belief and tell me if this isn't even coming into it okay but is your belief that the key of the of men was the keys were made in such a way that there's no security because these other guys keys does open our door is that what you'd be coming at the hotel with in your

22:55Jacqueline Novak:mind yeah i'm just kind of like how is this possible but yeah their keys were right if that's like if that's true right that's insane then that's true then yeah okay anyway you know wake up have coffee fucking breakfast on the lagoon diving right into the water from the room what in about in the morning do you see the lawyers or anything no so i so i'm terrified I'd have seen the lawyers. Right. And I was like, cause I was like, John and I are going to be swimming all morning outside the lagoon and the lagoon. If they come out and try to talk to us, I'm going to be like, Hey, hope you're like, but then I'm also realizing, okay, this was a mistake.

23:23Jacqueline Novak:Like they weren't intruding thinking it was his suitcase is interesting. Here's what I can't get over them walking in and the one guy not leaving, not leaving. That's where I'm like burn in hell. There's a woman screaming at you, get the fuck out. And you're just standing there in the room. And you're deciding to argue the case. Yeah. I mean, he wasn't, but he was,

23:41Kate Berlant:But the one guy, you mean the less drunk guy?

23:43Jacqueline Novak:No, the more drunk guy.

23:44Kate Berlant:No, okay. The more drunk guy wouldn't leave. And the other one did? Like he left, like trying to get his buddy out.

23:49Jacqueline Novak:The other one is in the doorway. And I start screaming at him, get your fucking guy, get him. And he's like, oh, whatever his name is. Like, let's go. Right. I'm like, no, physically go get him right now.

24:00Kate Berlant:Physically go get him right now. Did it ever occur to you? Or did you, I'm not suggesting this. I'm just curious because in my mind, I'm putting myself in the circumstances. to physically like push his drunk body towards the door.

24:12Jacqueline Novak:So I didn't want to touch. No, I didn't want to touch at all. And I was waiting in the door. Like it could stimulate. Yeah. And I just like, even in the moment I was like, he was so drunk, he still wasn't fully leaving. And I had the urge to kind of, John said he like put his hand on his back kind of firmly to lead him out, but didn't push. And I'm still like, when it comes out, I'm like, is he going to like turn around and sock me? Like, I just don't know. Like he's so fucking X's in his eyes. Oh gosh. Yeah. Might as well be dead. Right. I'm like, anyway, in the beautiful glow of the morning, I'm like, maybe we won't get the room free.

24:46Jacqueline Novak:I'm like, maybe now here's what I want to know. What do you think? Well,

24:50Kate Berlant:aren't you still wondering what happened and why they got in? And are you dead? Sure. You closed the door. Yes. Because I would assume knowing you, you're pretty fucking sure if you closed the door or not. The door was closed and that is fully confirmed.

25:03Jacqueline Novak:The door was completely closed. What do you think I'm entitled to? Was there any follow up by the hotel in the morning? No, that was checkout day. What do you feel? I mean. How much outrage? Or is there none? Am I overreacting?

25:18Kate Berlant:Did you feel outrage at the hotel? Because do you believe the key opened both doors?

25:22Jacqueline Novak:Yes, and I felt, yeah, I guess at that point I thought their key opened our door.

25:27Kate Berlant:You know, it would be an ugly, I don't know what this would prove or do, but an ugly little thing would be to switch your room key at the party. So the lawyer switches his room key with yours, pulls it out of your little purse. Okay, whatever. And then uses that to get in your room and be like, but my key worked. Look, look. I know. Oh my God. I know. Like, I'd be like curious about like security camera. I don't know. I would be curious about what happened.

25:48Jacqueline Novak:Okay. So we go to checkout. Everyone's been lovely that works there. It's been a great experience. And I say to the woman at the front, did they talk to you about what happened last night? And she's like, no, what happened? I tell her. And she's like, oh, be honest. She's not as horrified as I would like her to be. I was like, they were like drunk and like, wouldn't get out. We had to like scream at them. I was like, it was pretty awful. It was like pretty scary there when they first came in. It was like, you know, but I'm like, well, she can't like these guys, whatever. She says there's a thing because our cottages normally it's like people are renting that whole area.

26:26Jacqueline Novak:So it's like, oh, it's a bachelor weekend or whatever the fuck. So the two villas, the key work for both. That's the point. She alerted you to that. She just admitted that.

26:35Kate Berlant:Yes. Kate, I'm in shock. That is absolute negligence. That is absolute. That's insane. What do you, what do you, what is the primary responsibility? A room with a lock. So it's like, you don't pay for the room, you pay for the lock. So I said, I said,

26:57Jacqueline Novak:you pay for the whore to leave. I said, and she kind of said that, like she was like, I'll alert. the IT people. I was like, yeah. And I can't, because she's so relaxed about it. I was like,

27:08Kate Berlant:IT people. My God.

27:10Jacqueline Novak:Yeah. Or something. And I was like, whoa. And I, and I, I wasn't, you know, I just said, is there anything you can do for us? I was like, that's, that seems pretty, you know, crazy that their key would work for a room. She goes, I'll be right back. I hear on the phone, she's talking to someone. Then she comes back and she goes, I talked to our manager. He's sincerely sorry.

27:27Kate Berlant:I wanted to give you a single pinnacle. We're going to take two of your dinners off the tab. Ew. I'm sorry. Nope. This is bad enough that I don't even think you didn't get like, oh, you didn't get it in the moment right there. And I think you still have recourse. This is insane.

27:40Jacqueline Novak:This fucking rules. I'm going to email them today. I'm going to email them today. Like I feel like they're like, because listener, correct me if I'm wrong. At Holiday Inn, another guest's key doesn't work for your room.

27:49Kate Berlant:Exactly. It's the number one. At a roadside motel. Also, like there must, I mean, not to, but not to have to call the boys in Philly, but like legally, surely like to run a hotel, there are certain like basic things. Okay. Actually, it's an interesting idea. You should get the Philly boys themselves to represent you. I know.

28:11Jacqueline Novak:We, we sue them. We could have assaulted her. In the courtroom. Well, by the way, that's almost the difference. So I'm like, if I had been, if I had been alone, I would have lost my fucking mind. And I would have. Okay. So you're saying this is huge, Jacqueline. So you're saying I should email and say, it just doesn't sit right with me paying for that final night.

28:33Kate Berlant:Oh my God. Kate, no, it just doesn't sit right with you. Not calling the cops, in my opinion, and taking massive legal action. Final night. I mean, okay. There's a couple of thoughts. One, I've never taken legal action. I know nothing about legal action. I'm speaking merely in the world. I would never take legal action. Whatever. Like what happens if a hotel has bad wiring in their room? Okay. And a minor fire started and they put it out. And it's because they had bad wiring that they installed. Because here's the thing. It's not even accidental.

29:05Jacqueline Novak:It's like essentially a policy. I'm actually, as you're talking, I'm like, oh, we're not paying for that final night, honey.

29:11Kate Berlant:You keep saying final night. All trip. plus a free one next year with her sister property. Final night. Kate, what I'm trying to suggest to you is that you were put in literal danger. Literal danger.

29:29Jacqueline Novak:I know. I know. By the way, John and I could have been having sex. You know what I'm just saying? Yeah. They came in 1230. We could have been, by the way, it wouldn't indicate under any circumstance. Could have been naked. Could have been fucking. Could have been asleep. Could have been mid-proposal. We could have been mid-breakup.

29:46Kate Berlant:well these are not again again i go back to assault okay you're it's not about like we could have been having the finest steak dinner of our lives okay and what about the rules by the

29:56Jacqueline Novak:way the lawyers say we were the lawyers getting on my side we could have assaulted i mean well

30:00Kate Berlant:this is what you say to the lawyer boys you head down to philly okay okay and you roll in and you say boys there's two options you can either be dragged into this case as a witness or you can take the case and you'll fight your goddamn rights you'll just fight your goddamn ass off to get me a settlement or i don't know i don't know there's there's something there's something poetic to be gleaned here

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33:37Jacqueline Novak:Unbelievable. Caffeine being added to Element. I stopped in my tracks. Kate, you realize that caffeine doesn't actually give you energy, right? I love caffeine, but as you know, you got to be careful with the way you're ingesting caffeine.

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35:52Jacqueline Novak:because i have a huge issue first of all first of all i have a friend i have a friend this is unbelievable to me i have a friend dear friend an old friend who works who's um a doctor essentially she's a pa physician's assistant right she fucking she sent me a picture smiling face puffed up bite mark in her face from swollen got was bitten in the face by a dog by an off leash dog yeah who came for her friend's dog she picked up her friend's dog lean down to protect it the two got in the way of the two dogs bit her face if i were bit in the face by a dog i will see you in

36:26Kate Berlant:court yeah okay i'm going for the jugular to say i'll see you in court well because also how fun that would be imagine by the way the first time someone said it genius yeah i know i know okay the first time someone said it they were a joke like that's a funny thing so imagine something It's not like I'm going to sue you or whatever.

36:45Jacqueline Novak:My dad was the I'll see you in court guy. Yeah. Really? No, I'm just saying imagine if your dad, if your father had been the first one, I'll see you in court.

36:52Kate Berlant:Richard Lewis from hell. Yeah, exactly.

37:01Jacqueline Novak:Law offices of Berlant and Novak are officially in session and I am going to be in court.

37:08Kate Berlant:first order of business switching the name to berlant and novak saying my own name wrong as usual it's ongoing um i mean i struggle with mine too jacqueline jacqueline okay okay but wait okay

37:21Jacqueline Novak:so i'm just gonna do a quick context so let's first of all and there's a wider spiritual context here right sure is i'm sure there is i'm taking charge wow so i have as we know add various learning disabilities was taken i had took my stts with extended time i had various lucky bitch learning disability coaches okay i no one spotted those in me i struggle i struggle c minus in math i had to basically bribe teachers like it was you know it was impossible and the point is the point is and i'm not proud of this but i am often very much with financial things numbers my eyes cross i go deal with it i don't know i am someone who is perfectly primed to be taken advantage of in any kind of like okay so basically i i will beg to differ though i you

38:12Kate Berlant:know you chase down the money okay i i feel like i can't you know i go kate uh poop checks coming in you're like you're like i'm looking at the numbers uh sure you didn't forget to pay me

38:22Jacqueline Novak:no no no i agree so so it's a combination i wouldn't say i'm fully someone i it's not it's not that simple but the point is nothing ever is right we we contain paradox nothing ever is no nothing ever is simple let's go down this one we'll go down this one path

38:38Kate Berlant:without the statement including all because it can never yes go yes i have reason to believe i'm soaring right now by the way i just the people need to understand that this is a spontaneous poog this is a spontaneous spontaneous poog you heard me

38:55Jacqueline Novak:all right go on by the way i'm already wanting to let them down don't get too excited okay the point is i am going to be investigating further figuring this out i will be figuring this out but i have reason to believe that my accountants have bent me over their office couch yeah pulled my pants down to my ankles all the way down all the way down right right right right and have been railing

39:19Kate Berlant:me in the ass they're in high heels so when they all the way down to bring your pants to your ankles they had to do a full hamstring stretch they actually were going further than than their own ankle to reach to get yours down i think i have been they had to tug they had to tug him to get over that ass that she's been working up since january all right so we're gonna you know i don't

39:41Jacqueline Novak:know how we're not gonna get too in the weeds the point listen i don't have a business manager i just have accountants okay pull up the uh pull up the uh file i i'm literally too embarrassed and i I'm too embarrassed to say actual numbers here because I think it will. Why are you embarrassed to bring up the numbers? Because it's so, it's such a, it's such a high amount that it seems like, because a moment ago I was almost prepared to pay this, right? I was like, I was like, I remember when I got the bill, I went, oh my God. And I went, fuck. And I was like, are you kidding me? And then I was like, well.

40:12Jacqueline Novak:I mean, have you sent it to my dad yet? I would love to. Oh, okay. So one of the accountants just got back. I will be on the call. Okay. Because I said a call, bitch. oh sorry because i sent a call i would love i'm laughing because i'm just imagining by the way i would honestly love because i don't have again i don't have a parent who is able to like i i need a financial i need like i need the uncle the dad figure to go take a look at this and go this is

40:35Kate Berlant:fucking bullshit so though i'm not sure it is and that's that i'm just going like i looked at i was

40:40Jacqueline Novak:like can i just tell you one thing can i tell you one thing yeah so you have a friend really you thought that look that made sense to you well i didn't like because a friend just looked at it and literally called me and goes this is astronomical this is the bill of somebody who has multiple homes in multiple cities in different countries who's accruing millions of dollars who oh really like this makes no sense for you at all the friend you mentioned earlier yeah i don't know i'm hiding i'm sure she wouldn't care robbie hoffman i literally called her literally robbie hoffman i know protecting her protecting her from her own accountants you see what i'm saying she no i know she because a couple years ago maybe this was maybe it was as recently as last year she was like you like your accountants i was like well you know it's great because i don't because again this is this is color for the for the photograph for the picture i don't do anything meaning i'm not there with the bookkeeping going i have a business card i have a personal card that's how the expenses are divided i'm not there going like i i don't have the the ability the bandwidth whatever to be chasing down files and send do you know what i mean like they do all of that for me taxes taxes yes if your business is a freaking llc or whatever the fuck exactly s corp all of it okay so they're so they're doing all of that for me here's my mom calling me i'm gonna just silence it why you you called the tribunal about this yeah yeah who else how many people did you text let's see let's hear how worried she is hang on wait hi mom

42:04Kate Berlant:wait i can't hear her what what's insane well yeah what she's what she said but also if it's true check with Dan and um no wait will you forward it to me sorry I'm laughing I'm talking I'm talking

42:20Jacqueline Novak:to Jacqueline yeah um I know well who knows who knows but I'm going to I'm going to get to the bottom of it I just texted and I said you know and there's a call that's going to happen next week um let's see I'm going to send it to Jacqueline Jacqueline's dad might take a look at it um oh is he a businessman i mean is he a young guy he's in a businessman in the sense that yeah like he knows no he's definitely oh is he a businessman i mean he's big time no i know i know i'm just

42:46Kate Berlant:like he's not an accountant but he's no but he knew a lot of cpas no but he he runs his own business is the point his own consultancy i'm sure the richer would be able to look at it he's a

42:55Jacqueline Novak:banker okay great okay great well then i'm gonna send this i'm gonna send this to jacklyn yeah we'll get to the bottom i've gone down these paths where i i was convinced i had been fucked okay bye i know well that's my big fear is that i go through all of this and they go

43:09Kate Berlant:nope that's just the cost well i mean i also think i mean you know i think robbie robbie is

43:17Jacqueline Novak:likely shrewd in these matters you know yeah you know but no but but even robbie and i said this to her robbie's like you know my tech stuff it takes me a day i sit down i go see right there i can't even do that i'm never going to be there at the desk going let's see april what was i

43:33Kate Berlant:spending in april no no this but this is what i'm saying i'm just going if robbie does some version of her own freaking work okay then she's going to be confused so i'm not see you have to remember

43:47Jacqueline Novak:okay i just sent you a bill that'll make your cock become a rat's tail something you don't

43:54Kate Berlant:recognize yeah rat's tail and pure all right hold on and by the way i'm just saying does robbie use an accountant at all yes for what no no robbie's going robbie's going yeah i have an accountant and it's you know under a thousand dollars you know or something a year to to compile this stuff and she's like no this is you know she's yeah so all right oh sorry so it sounded like i was breaking into tears because I rolled this Joanna check skin grabby rolly.

44:28Jacqueline Novak:Anyway, the point is I felt extreme camaraderie. I really appreciate Robbie because and she even said I found this very sweet. She's like, you can come over when I'm doing my taxes this year. That's sweet. It's almost like I need that. It's really sweet. And although you do have a tendency, Kate, to be

44:42Kate Berlant:shocked that you have to pay for anything. Okay. For example, you're like, like my lawyer, okay, stepping in for our recent things, you know, like, Kate just waits until someone steps up. And it's like, somehow, you know, my lawyer, okay, I'm paying, you know, like, I'm paying for that. Like, you know what I mean? Like, like, I'll split the bill. There is no bill. Because here's the thing. Because she gets percent of everything. You see what I'm saying? I take on that cost. And then you just, can I get in on that?

45:13Jacqueline Novak:I wonder how that does work with people that work together on stuff we're we're our own unique case but i have a side story and i want to say i'm not listen it's very hard for me to believe that i am taking it taking advantage of and i very well may not may not be i might be getting some crazy white glove service that i just really can't afford or something yeah but and it really is hard for me to believe because i have to say a couple of the women at this firm i've grown fond of i talked to them you know one of them like like brought goddamn flowers to my show do you know i'm saying one of them like do you text these people and go uh do i have money one of them so one of them i text you ongoingly text

45:52Kate Berlant:or send questions i text then they're functioning kind of like a business manager they kind of are in which case they'd take five percent of your income so add it up so so let me just do the math here live for you okay so if that is uh if that were um if that were 10 of your of your income I thought business managers took 5%. They took 10 %? No, they take 5%. So that would be 10%. So if it were... Okay. 5 % of... Okay, 5%. Okay. This is where I'm going. I mean, I recall 10 shows at the Bell House.

46:34Kate Berlant:Okay, I go... No wonder she... I recall Nordic Knots times three. Okay, hold on.

46:39Jacqueline Novak:okay five percent i recall tile by the way my nordic knots jute just arrived wow i'm still in absolute hell wait i presented with the question do i do i roll it out before a party

46:52Kate Berlant:let me see this okay let me just double check this yeah so so that's um that that higher that rounded up number is five percent of of of give it to me and sweetie i think you might have am i

47:07Jacqueline Novak:net no sorry gross gross gross obviously yeah i don't know where i'm at this year i recall a couple movies honey movies don't pay i know so let me tell you and again i was in bend oregon of course we all remember i'm in bend oregon i'm on the treadmill the haunted treadmill i'm like get me out of fucking bend i've never used a hotel gym two days in a row i'm down there just trying to get out right trying to trick the ghost i'm in that actually is good i'm like you could really work out you know what would make you work out if your house was haunted because you're on treadmill the ghost thinks you're running away sorry go on i'm on the treadmill i'm not like high pace running but i'm running and i'm like i'm out of breath right my accountant and i had been what was it there had been something i was dealing with and she really held my hand through this here's a fucking example i got a weird bank of america thing i'm locked out of my account i go what there was this whole thing that she helped me with okay so i was in the middle of this process with her of getting locked out of my accounts and whatever screaming yeah her she's she's calling me i go i should pick up even though i'm out of breath because like this could be you know so i i do the thing where i put my feet on either side of the treadmill i'm out of breath i go hi i go sorry i said can i call you back in about you know 20 minutes half an hour i'm just on a run and she very excited voice in her tone that i've never really heard she goes this will only take a moment and i go oh well of course she goes it'll just take a moment of your time she goes let me guess you need to send you a uh a code no listen to this listen to this imagine hearing this i have great news so i'm sitting there going is she about to tell me like you just got this crazy like what could it be i won the lottery it's in my accountant right i have great news i go oh like you got an unexpected tax return or something yes exactly exactly like we actually moved the decimal wrong and you didn't make this you made that like i don't once again hoping fantasy world but fantasy no i know but why else would she be so excited saying i have great news i was like nothing bad had happened i was like okay but she's calling i should pick up i have great news oh what is it i say she goes and so i'm gonna make up the names of the company now right she goes she goes have great news what is it maxman and sons is merging with warner inc

49:27Kate Berlant:snake in the grass accountants is merging with wells fargo exactly right and do you go why is

49:34Jacqueline Novak:that good news and and i go oh and she goes yes she goes it's great so and she's like you know on your end nothing will change you know it's still your same team everything she goes but But Kroger and Sons will be present. Yeah, but Kroger and Sons, exactly. They're like, you know, the emails will look different. The letterhead will be different. The same people. She goes, and then this is when I go, is something. She goes, they handle, you know, this stuff, which we didn't really have at the old firm. And she goes, and they even have a program to help disabled children. And I was like, oh.

50:12Kate Berlant:So this was a, she's got the Rolodex out. And she's calling every client and going, let's push this through as good news.

50:22Jacqueline Novak:Full-throated, I have great news. And I have to say something. She sounded elated. It was like she was calling and telling me, you won a million dollars. And so I just, I wanted to be friendly. I go, oh, well, congratulations. Like, sounds great. That means nothing to me. I don't know. Yeah. But the full, out of breath, I have great news. my feet are on the side of the treadmill it's going i'm like i'm like okay you know so here's what here's what it sounds like to me but i thought it's hilarious i mean it was like it was so fucking funny like i have great news we're merging it's like nothing will change on your end

51:03Kate Berlant:see i think she's on her treadmill and she has to get through 90 clients before before before she gets to the movies did you call the clients okay no now she's hustling up columbus towards the imax and and yeah yeah maybe this is her 50th call and she's truly out of breath yeah i know but it's and so she's she's she's gone you know what it's faster if i just go it's great news and then just dump it on them that's why she wouldn't call back she just wants this shit done totally she's like i'm gonna blow past them dancing wildly yeah i know no i know i know

51:45Jacqueline Novak:Okay, just quickly, I can't get off of this. Jacqueline traveled to St. Louis to honor her sister for her sister's 50th birthday. As we all know, Jacqueline has a tree nut allergy, meaning allergic to trees. She can consume almonds, sure, but whatever. The point is... You said allergic to trees. It made me laugh. Oh, yeah. Her sister goes, I'm going to make the entire event a nut-free night so that you can just enjoy your night. You don't have to worry. The whole night's nut-free. I think we all know what happens next, okay? Jacqueline fucking takes one bite of an appetizer. Instant reaction. Instant reaction.

52:23Jacqueline Novak:She runs to the kitchen like a martyr, says, don't tell my sister, you'll ruin her night. By the way, I would have been topless in the center. I would have been writhing, okay? She goes, let me slip out the back. Sprints to the hospital. This is a nightmare.

52:39Kate Berlant:But I want to know, because you... You were in CVS first to get the Benadryl because I didn't have him with me because the plane, 3.2 ounces, whatever. Those who were here last night know this. That's why I'm talking in this tone. Like, I'm telling a story from last night because we did not rehearse. You know, we gurge stories. But banging on the door, international sign for choking. Okay. They let her in. They let me in as they're closing. Guzzle, guzzle, guzzle, half the bottle. Get to the emergency room. The Uber driver drives past it. drives past the emergency room spot now we're in a maze of parking lots my lover and i we get out of the car okay i my mouth is filling with saliva so i just knock on the door to say we got to get out print barefoot holding my heels okay yeah around the building around the building around the building feeling frostbite going like frostbite would be a cute addition you know what i mean yeah yeah but sort of the the thrill of that whatever get in and then it's like security put your phone in a basket like that's crazy so if you're in labor if you're in labor or you have a knife

53:42Jacqueline Novak:between your eyes and you're you're blind from the blood running into your eyes you go in they're like you still have to put your fucking galaxy samsung i even go i just want to be this

53:52Kate Berlant:is what like i'm i'm in the correct line right you know what i mean like this is what the yes everyone and then i get in okay i get through that and then checking in and it's like i guess you know and i go this is the thing this is the thing right like like this is what everyone has to do it kind of thing you know and it was like so then yeah whatever it was it was it was interesting

54:13Jacqueline Novak:but what i want to know because you mentioned because jacqueline texted me the other day i'm writing a letter to the caterer and i go well here we fucking go because my as i was wondering because what kind of discount do you offer as a caterer by the way it's life or death people have life threatening allergies right right so is it is a whole stay free i mean what what do you offer as a caterer how mortified are you you're like well we ruined the night the sister who flew out had to go home 20 off what do you do i mean anyone what i tried to i was like i was like you'll

54:42Kate Berlant:forgive me my hospitality advice you know my my theories on business you know because i've got them right you'll indulge me that i do consider reading it right now i haven't what a draft yeah

54:54Jacqueline Novak:i kind of want to hear it don't want to hear it don't want to hear it This feels like a setup and a plan. It's not. I haven't agreed to yet.

55:05Kate Berlant:So you know me, okay? And you understand that what I like to do is, much like Joan Didion, I write to know what I think. Okay. So I drop in to personally, I want to make sure I'm unimpeachable, okay? In what I believe. And so I do it on the page. So I take it you found the email? No, this isn't an email. This is separately in a notion. I have to be like this is not going to be an email for me to get everything out not just emotions, this is not that

55:35Jacqueline Novak:I've been doing this since the 4th grade I wrote a letter to my old therapist I don't like you anymore you have to break up with your therapist and they say every 5 years after that you're basically fucking it's no longer appropriate it turns I have a couple friends in my life dear people something's wrong and they've had the same therapist for like 12 years. Oh, I've known ones that are 45 years, three times a week. And you have to cut, you have to cut. And here's what you do. It's an old sponge. You write the email, you go in in person, you bring dignity to the experience. I don't think you need to bring dignity to it.

56:12Jacqueline Novak:I think you have to do a closing session.

56:14Kate Berlant:Father sends an email, I'm joking, okay? I mean, I was a young girl. Okay, read the email. So I want to be clear, this isn't an email, this is a personal document, okay? I'm exploring my thinking. It could be an email. Right, okay, so let's see. and I'm going to stop if I don't like anything out of C. Okay, just, I want to hear it. So I titled this personal document Rebecca's 50th hospital visit. Oh, shit.

56:38Kate Berlant:I wanted to reach out to give the details about the catering issue directly because sharing the details with my sister is only going to make her feel worse about the party and what happened, which isn't my intention. I wrote this on the plane, by the way, okay? And then didn't send it that night because, like, I was like, I didn't get anywhere. So just understand that, right? Also, given the fact that I spent the night in the hospital, I hope you can tolerate me giving my full two cents on hospitality, customer service, and catering.

57:13Kate Berlant:First, the roosting on a hospital bed. First, allow me to note that any time I eat outside of my home, I take personal responsibility for the fact that I am taking on risk. By the way, fucking beautiful. Okay. Yeah, this is incredible. Thank you. Thank you. Okay. I'm used to failures by restaurants, caterers, and so on. I know that in places where they cook with nuts or food is served that is baked elsewhere, there is a risk of cross-contamination. I do expect waiters to be able to avoid handing me something explicitly made with nuts. Still, it is my risk to take. It was my choice to go to St.

58:02Kate Berlant:Louis. Okay. Several weeks ago, when my sister sent out invitations, she alerted the family that she requested the entire menu be nut-free in order to create a completely worry-free environment for me. This is meant as a precaution to reduce risk of human error by the caterers. A server serving the nut-free person the wrong dish, for example, is impossible. She was very excited about the tasting menu. Additionally, she reached out and even offered vegan options, given my partner and my preference. Our recent transition to plant-based lifestyle. return new paragraph okay it's a privately catered event a nut should not have entered the house

58:49Kate Berlant:additionally we are vegan okay i'm not should have not entered the house okay it's health related not religious and therefore errors there are not catastrophic but that was mishandled as well Okay? Because it was.

59:03Jacqueline Novak:Yeah.

59:04Kate Berlant:I recommend you issue a swift and full refund. Oh! An apology, comma, an apology, comma, Oxford comma, and eat the costs.

59:19Jacqueline Novak:Wait, wait, wait. Of the hospital saying everything?

59:22Kate Berlant:No, I'm not even talking about my shit. I'm talking about just to my sister. I'm just, I'm just going, I wanted to go for it. See how it felt to say refund the whole thing. Okay? And get ready for this. If you do, you will likely have a long-term customer in Rebecca.

59:36Jacqueline Novak:By the way, and there I get the warmth of trying to build a relationship with them.

59:40Kate Berlant:Because I'm not a beast, okay? I have had plenty of mistakes made in restaurants over the years. And the restaurants who take responsibility for it. Here we go. Quote, of course the entire meal is comped. Following up to find out if I made it to the hospital, etc. Oh, shit. These are the restaurants I return to again and again. Proper handling, which should feel to the customer like overcorrection of their error, makes me more loyal to the place than if no poisoning had happened at all.

1:00:16Kate Berlant:I have raved about restaurants based explicitly on how strongly they, quote, overcorrected. The catering's disregard meant I left very early and didn't get to see my 76-year-old parents toasting my sister. These fly-in family events are rare. Oh, shit. Once in a lifetime. This is a knife. This is really... I mean, I have more. Go. Okay. Here's a rundown of what happened from my experience. Before food comes out, my sister points out to the waiters and caterers, the vegan nut-free people are over there, pointing out me and my partner and also pointing out, those two are vegan over there.

1:01:00Jacqueline Novak:Okay, this is, I mean... Again, but I want to, again, a nut should not have entered the home. Yeah.

1:01:07Kate Berlant:Shortly thereafter, a wedge is brought to me. I ask, is this vegan nut-free? Doubting, given the cheese, okay? Waiter says, yes. We eat it. I go, wow, coconut-based cheese has come a long way.

1:01:25Kate Berlant:Parentheses, I asked my sister for the menu contract today and see that there was no vegan wedge option. They gave you straight blue? Yeah, straight blue. Next, I'm offered a grilled cheese, which I declined. Parentheses, definitely not vegan. I'm offered a mini samosa, and I go, do these have nuts? The server says, I can't say for sure. I ask them to go check. Then we're brought a pasta by someone, and I take a bite and say, this isn't vegan. The server goes, it is. Chris eats it. I confirm with the waiter again, and she says, it's just pasta, mushrooms, and I go, and butter, and dairy, and she says, yeah.

1:02:09Kate Berlant:The head caterer intervenes, no, no, that's not for them, and brings us the special item that was meant specifically for the nut-free vegans. And I eat it, and immediately, full reaction. Not cross-contamination, but full. I just ate a mouth full of nuts. Yes. I just ate an instant throat itchy. I go into the kitchen and ask the caterer, this has nuts? And she says, it shouldn't. Okay. Then a man says, the vegan app, cashews. Okay. So I was served the special vegan item, meant for me, but that was made explicitly with nuts. My boyfriend and I, and I wondered briefly, shall I call him a husband, shall I try to gain more weight, not just some slut, you know.

1:03:02Kate Berlant:My boyfriend and I each call an Uber in case one arrives faster than the other. By the way, the forensic detail of that. Okay. I'm asking for help finding a location in the nearest CVS to get liquid Benadryl to slow the reaction. caterer helps me find a CVS close by as I'm spitting into the trash we leave we go to the closest CVS as my throat is swelling and I'm banging on doors making international signs for choking because it's closing and they let us in to get it then the over driver takes us to a hospital pain and throwing up begins IV port established EpiPen injected swelling goes down and I'm no longer afraid I'll stop breathing several hours of hell at the hospital until 2am and I miss the send-off brunch the next morning.

1:03:45Kate Berlant:But this I actually think is interesting. This is where I go my two cents. Here's what should have happened, I said.

1:03:51Jacqueline Novak:Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Okay, okay, okay.

1:03:57Kate Berlant:Quote. I just drop right into the quote. Rebecca, can you show us who the people with the dietary restrictions are? Rebecca points us out. Someone comes over and asks, Hi, I'm so-and-so, the head caterer managing tonight's meal. I wanted to confirm you and your partner are two of the vegans and you have a nut allergy. I want to show you the menu real quick and go over it. Oh, wow. Additionally, quote, and I threw in names to help. Okay. Additionally, quote, Stuart here will be bringing you your items. For safety, please don't eat anything not delivered by Stephen. The entire menu is, of course.

1:04:34Jacqueline Novak:Stuart. Stuart. He's not real, but. Don't eat the stuff Stephen brings. Oh, I said Stuart both times. Okay, thank God. By the way, I was like reading comprehension. Okay, yeah. I'm really locked in.

1:04:50Kate Berlant:No, I'm Stephen and Stuart here, yeah, okay. Again, first draft, okay. First draft.

1:04:55Jacqueline Novak:By the way, I think go with Stephen. Stuart's a little on the nose. Okay. I thought I had a kind of point to it, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. A precise Stuart. So Stuart's a fake name, Stephen's a real name.

1:05:08Kate Berlant:Thank you. Thank you. And we won't ask who's here tonight. I go, we'll be delivered by Stephen. The entire menu is nut-free, of course, per Rebecca's request, but for extra precaution, we'd really appreciate it if you only ate the stuff delivered by Stephen. Despite the fact that a nut should never have entered the home. I know. Anyone with a life-threatening allergy will be extremely grateful for this. Anyone with a dietary restriction will appreciate it. Okay, you see? You see, it's such a simple step that goes so far. So I was offered stuff that wasn't vegan. No mention of nuts or lack thereof was made to me ever.

1:05:48Kate Berlant:Items I inquired about if they were vegan. I was told blatant misinformation. The server not recognizing the difference between vegan and vegetarian. Okay, I'm a little off the rails. Okay. I expect a certain amount of... I'm off the rails now. I'm on the third cup of coffee on the plane, okay?

1:06:07Kate Berlant:Cran vodka, please! Okay. I had two on the plane. It was delightful. I expect a certain amount of disdain for vegans. Wait, this is amazing.

1:06:27Kate Berlant:We are only recently vegan after a health scare and doctor's orders. I still... Doctor's orders? Okay. I still expect caterers to be... Okay, ready? This is where I'm just like... My true calling is this. Yeah, yeah. I still expect caterers to be able to star-cater to specific requests.

1:06:54Kate Berlant:Weeks ago, when my sister inquires if it will require vegan food at the party, my boyfriend and I have a long conversation. This is long. I'm not a burden, my sister. Yeah, yeah. Or just say, don't worry about it and just eat what we can and fill up.

1:07:06Jacqueline Novak:And you actually reached out to me with this very question. Yeah, post-party. I go, you're flying, they can make it vegan. Yeah.

1:07:12Kate Berlant:Because my sister was so excited about the food selection, the special menu, and really wanted everyone to enjoy themselves, we opted to say we would really enjoy it if it were vegan, right? If you could accommodate us. She then did so, okay? We all spent time and consideration on these matters, and the catering group did not.

1:07:36Okay.

1:07:38Kate Berlant:It's not like a one person had a bad experience, refund 50 bucks situation. No. They are lucky you did not D-I-E. Exactly. I don't even say it. You write her an email and you say, of course the entire service is refunded. We are horrified. Here's how we're correcting this issue for future customers. I'm sorry we didn't reach out immediately following the vet to say this. Our on-site caterer didn't feel comfortable making the refund until speaking with us. The heads of the company. And now I start repeating myself. You write Noreen email and you say, of course, the service is refunded.

1:08:11Jacqueline Novak:I haven't sent it. Send it in full. Send it in full. By the way, that's the law offices of Roland and Novak. You send me that.

1:08:24Jacqueline Novak:That was POOG. If you enjoyed POOG, please subscribe, rate, and review. If not, we will press charges. Thank you.