Oversharing: Are You Doing Too Much or Too Little of It? with Dr. Leslie John (Harvard)

27:38Nothing compares to the anticipation of something new. A new start, a new year, a new home, or a new car. When it's time to get a new car, where do you start? Car shopping can honestly be a little overwhelming, but it should be fun. Buying your next car should be exciting and it can be, if you remember one thing, cars.com. Cars.com has the tools and expert advice to help you figure out what vehicle is right for you. Their advanced search filters allow you to explore 2 million new and used cars so that you can find the perfect car. The site is so easy to use. Looking for an electric vehicle with a third row and leather seats for easy cleanup?

28:18Cars.com has you covered. A variety of tools and badges are used to help shoppers understand the price of a vehicle and find the best deal. And every review is written by a real person, reflecting a real life experience. So don't take any chances. Do car shopping the easy way. Start your search with cars.com. Where to next? When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up, don't say anything.

29:02Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home.

29:44This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From best-selling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse.

30:21Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages.

31:06Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people and they were like, you smiled at us. Not a lot of people smile around here. It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is and not the lies you're sold about it. It can be a time where you push your limits, change your mind or wake up to a new version of yourself. So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book your first trip, I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

31:44So no matter what the social setting is, the cost is different if you're with your friends versus your family versus at work. But for instance, at work, the benefit of me saying more is what? Like someone thinks I have a good idea or maybe I'm a little closer to a person at work. The cost of me saying too much is like I'm ostracized from the group dynamics. They think my ideas are bad. My boss doesn't trust me with certain information. Like it just feels like it totally outweighs it. Yeah, yeah, for sure. The risks are very, very real. And it's really important to keep abreast of those. And you're right.

32:27What I'm saying is that I think those disclosures that really burn you, one, we overestimate their frequency because of this hostile learning environment. We pay attention to that. We don't pay attention to when it goes well. So we actually have a warped sense in our minds going in of the risks. It's not as risky as we perceive it to be, despite the fact that the risks can be catastrophic. But then it's like, oh, is this just something that's nice to have? like, okay, we shared a laugh, but what if I want to get promoted? Like, I'm not going to share career limiting things. And my answer to that is, we've actually found that when you share a little bit more, and I give you examples, it actually causes people to trust you more at work.

33:09So when you're in a high status position, and you share a little bit, some of the things you're working on, for example, it doesn't have to be anything about your personal life, it could just be like, I'm working on my organizational skills. That's what I mean by a little bit. Your teams, like we've shown this with many, many leaders and companies, your teams trust you more. They're more motivated to work for you. They do better work. They give you better, more useful feedback. So like in another study done by a colleague of mine, they asked leaders in companies to, you know, the old 360 feedback.

33:38And it's really hard as you, I'm sure know, as you go up in status, it's harder to get honest feedback. And so what do leaders do? They say, please be honest, I can take it. And in the study, what they did was they tried, they got leaders to do something different to ding, ding, ding, reveal, to actually proactively say something that share, to say something that they were working on. And when they did that, the employees actually gave useful, constructive feedback that literally makes the leaders better. So that's an example of what I mean by how it's not just like the touchy-feely connection love, which I mean, I'm a hopeless romantic love, but I also happen to work in a very competitive type A place with a lot of status norms, a lot of gender issues, a lot of stuff going on.

34:29So I'm the first to agree with you in being like, there is huge risk and we want to mitigate that. But I'm also saying as someone who is in that climate, I have found huge benefits. But does the reverse, if you're low status, does it work? Because I think a lot of people would say, don't show your weaknesses at work. Totally. Totally. Okay. This is another fabulous question. So yes, you have to be more careful, for sure. You have like a smaller latitude when you are in a low status position, if it's a very strong hierarchy kind of place and a conservative buttoned up, right? Like all these contextual factors, but still here's an example.

35:12So suppose you're in a job interview and you get asked the question, what's your biggest weakness? Okay. And like, suppose you're pathologically messy. So obviously you're not going to say I'm super messy. Like that's the kind of the interview is done. You're exactly right. What do people typically do? Well, they say, oh, I work too hard. Like they do some kind of annoying, humble brag thing, right? That's not good either. In fact, studies have shown that it's the candidates who are a little bit real, not a lot real. I'm like, you're not saying you're pathologically messy, but if you answer, if you're asked that question, what's your biggest weakness?

35:53And here's what you could say in an interview that shows what I'm saying. Well, sometimes I struggle a little bit with organizational skills, but I've actually developed a system so that it keeps me always on track. And I'd be happy to teach that to colleagues if you'd like. So it's an honest and. Yeah. In that situation, like that's a really high stakes, right? It's a lot of things. It's honest. It's saying something very real. It's controlling the frame, controlling how you're communicating it. Right. But even the mere fact that you're saying it, that models self-awareness when you do that, you're, you're perceived as being much more on top of it than if, than if your messiness was just exposed.

36:34Right. So, but yeah, there's a, there's a whole suite of things that I did there. Um, and that's really important. I mean, it's not just saying I suck at organization. No. How do you know when you're in the Goldilocks principle, when you're in the sweet spot. Can you tell during that moment or do you have to wait until afterwards? I love that question. So I think that you gotta like, if you're someone who is like reasonably socially skilled, which most of us are, I think trusting your gut, being observant, watching, looking, looking at people's reactions. So often we're really in our heads, say the thing and then try to look and observe instead of like criticizing or ruminating.

37:18Like I know it's easier said than done, but look around, see, listen. So pay attention. And the more you do that, the more you will be attuned to the responses and what's unsaid and what's said and if it went well or not. Of course, over time, you get even more feedback. You can also talk to people. I do that with my close friends. I wouldn't do it to someone who interviewed me, but my close friends, I'll be like, hey, was that too much? Or what if I, was I holding back? What if I said that, right? Right. So it's I think a really important thing on the goalie locks principle is.

37:52You there's no absolute because depends on so many things, who's in the room, what the norms are, what country you're in, what your goals are, whether people slept that day, whatever, all these things, it's always moving. And so that's why I think being really sensitive to observing the responses and then afterwards thinking about it, being like reflecting and experimenting. So you have to switch it up to get a variance in how people respond so that you can really tell. One of the things I love to say to people and I practice in my own life is if you never feel like you made someone cringe, if you never feel like you got to the line or crossed the line, you're not doing it enough.

38:34You're not going far enough. Like you've got to get to the line to know what the range is. And most of us have a massively restricted. But why? Why? Yeah. You know what I mean? I love it. It's so good. Because I feel like. It's so good. And I guess what's funny is you're talking to a person who is like, I'm a very measured, thoughtful type of person. And I'm laughing at some of what you're saying because my mom is an oversharer by nature. And people love it about her. Like my mom is, when she walks in a room, she is beloved. People remember her. I would love to meet your mother. Yeah, you guys would love each other.

39:11but she will tell like if there is a woman who is dealing with a weird thing on her toe she will tell you about the time she dealt with a weird thing on her toe like she has no yeah she just wants people to feel normal and it's been a gift in my life yeah because um i think she does it on purpose with me like she'll you know go to the doctor and say um danielle i just want to tell you about dense breasts like i have dense breasts here's what it is you know and so she's trying to share. Yeah, me too. I have dense breasts too. Thank you. See, I feel closer, but I'm the opposite. So I'm wondering, is this a personality trait?

39:46Because, and I will add to this, my dad and I yell at her and say like, you overshared in a scenario where it was harmful to us or harmful to herself. And she doesn't care. Yep. Yep. Yep. I get it. I get it. Okay. So there's, I've been taking notes because as you know, my mind wanders constantly. So the first thing about the goal, right? Like, I think I love that you're pressing me on that because it's like, what is the goal? The goal, like your mom to make people feel comfortable because she, she also must derive joy from making people feel comfortable and safe. And not all people feel, get derived the joy out of that, but she does.

40:28And so that's, that's good. But like, for me, I'm obviously completely sold of like connection, love, friendship, like, but what if, what if your goal is not, I guess I'm saying like, why wouldn't you want to do it? You're like two aliens trying to talk to each other. Like, why wouldn't you want to do something that helps you build and sustain nourishing, incredibly vital friendships, deep love and romance, influence as a leader, well-being, health, like your physical health, like why wouldn't you? How are you not sold? So in certain contexts, I do. Like my best friends from college, I tell them everything and I want them to feel normal about their thoughts and vice versa.

41:18And I have no, but I trust them implicitly. Right. And I just, I think maybe it's a trust thing. Because you've been doing this. But I see what. I know, but it's not for everybody. So can I just tweak that a bit? I think it is for everybody. But the goal is not, it's not that every person I meet, I want to be friends with. I can't sustain that and they can't either. In fact, there's a very, I really only have like seven really, really close friends. That's a lot. Yeah, it is. But like I've pruned it recently because it's too many. And, you know, who got the hat? I know, I know. I hope they're not listening.

42:01But they, well, so this is something that I did not share. It's not that I, this is something not to say. Like I didn't say, hey, I'm pruning you. I just waited a beat to respond to things. And then it just kind of, I feel like that's the kinder way. And, and who knows, maybe they're relieved because maybe they're pruning me too. It's probably mutual in many cases, but, but, but I get my point is like for your friends, revealing is central to friendship. If you want to have influence in the workplace, it can help. If you're feeling you don't have influence and you want more, some strategic disclosure can help you when you do it well, when you practice and you well-being like that's that one's pretty.

42:45I like the idea of strategic well-being. I think well-being is pretty honest. I mean, the friendship is unsailable. I mean, to me, what you're saying is like, yeah, it's great, but I I can't do it to everyone because I don't want to do it to everyone because I don't I don't want to be and I can't be friends with everyone. I love boundaries. I love boundaries are amazing. I love that. Like my assistant doesn't know a lot about me. Like, that's awesome. I love that. And she loves that too, I'm sure. Like, it's weird to, like, it's kind to withhold. Often it's kind. So I'm totally with you. So do you feel, because like you call this the disclosure dilemma a lot, and I like that phrasing, and I've been sort of like cheeky with you, but what do you think people like me are afraid of will happen if they reveal too much.

43:34And please be brutally honest. So I think, I mean, I've, as a nerdly decision scientist, I've done a lot of studies on this. And what I find is when I ask people disclosure dilemmas, so think of it like, okay, do you tell your boss you have ADHD? Well, I could get accommodation, but I could get fire. Like, sadly, you know, it's the world. That's a real dilemma. Do you tell your spouse about that old fling? Don't know. Do you tell your teenage kids about your partying ways? These are real dilemmas. And the thing is, when I ask people, whatever the dilemma they're facing, when I say, okay, now think about it.

44:10Talk to me out loud. What are you thinking about? The number one thing that people think about are the risks of revealing. They're like, if I, like, suppose someone at work, you had a brilliant idea and you hear them talking to the boss and they're like, oh it's a group idea is what they say and like a part of you dies inside right and you know the old me wouldn't even consider saying anything and if i did i'd be like well of course i'm not going to say anything they'll think i'm petty it will be bad for my relationship i'll think i'm insecure and all these things and those are super super valid right but the problem is that we only think of the risks of revealing because i even say to people like anything else anything else so you've talked about the risk of revealing anything else like it it does not come to mind but then when i say, okay, can you tell me about some of the risks of not saying something?

44:58Well, in this scenario, then you're like, ooh, okay. Then it's a total different frame that makes you think differently. Well, if I don't say something, I'm going to be passive aggressive. I'm not going to feel heard. I'm going to ruminate. Maybe I'll be passive aggressive. That's bad for the relationship too. So you start seeing there's risks on both sides. And then you might think, and I'm just going to get carried away because I love revealing, you might then be like, that might let you leap to the bona fide benefits of revealing. You might say, wow, if I could figure out how to say this, which there's lots and lots of coaching out there, books on how to say hard things.

45:36If I could figure out how to have the convo, I think maybe that would be good for my relationship because they would respect me more. They would admire that I had the guts. I've actually been through this dilemma. And so I can speak that I did say it and it ended up strengthening the relationship. It doesn't always happen. There's certainly risks still. In what dynamic? In a family dynamic? So this was in a work dynamic. And this was with a peer of mine who we were working on a paper. It was my idea. And I, you know, in academia, it's so annoying. You have to like fill out when you submit an article, you have to fill out like credit lines of who did this.

46:12I hate the attribution of credit like that. I think that is petty, but given that we were doing it, didn't say my name on the idea. And so this was someone who was the same status as me. Would I have said it to someone higher status? To me, the math comes out. If I do this analysis, I call it a full four quadrant reckoning, the risks of revealing, the risks of not revealing, the benefits of revealing, and the benefits of not revealing, all four things. So it would have come out the same way if it was higher status, but that's me. Like I'm drinking the Kool-Aid, so to speak. What was in your quadrant?

46:48The risks of revealing, what I would put there is people might think I'm petty. The person's going to hate me. Bad relationship. The risks of holding back. Not revealing. Yep. Are I will feel unseen, unheard. I will ruminate. I will be mad at myself for not respecting myself for not speaking up, for letting it slide. I will think I'm not a good role model to people for not speaking up. And critically, because relationships are so important to me, I saw that holding back also had relational risks. It's not just speaking up, it's either way. Then I moved to the benefits of revealing and I thought, oh, if I do this the right way, If I can find the right words, maybe this person will respect me because I had the guts to talk about it.

47:41Also, it will reveal something about that person to me. Like, you got to think if you have a reasonable conversation with someone, if they're cool, if there's someone you want to keep working with, they will listen and not like get pissed off at you. So that's that will be informative data. If I want to continue the relationship, we could get stronger. And then the benefit of holding back is just like, well, this is a really hard day and I just don't want to face this today. And that's fine, too. Like, I don't have the time for it. Not now. Or I'm never going to work with this person again, so it doesn't matter.

48:13Like, also legit.

48:21Nothing compares to the anticipation of something new. A new start, a new year, a new home or a new car. When it's time to get a new car, where do you start? Car shopping can honestly be a little overwhelming, but it should be fun. Buying your next car should be exciting and it can be, if you remember one thing, cars.com. Cars.com has the tools and expert advice to help you figure out what vehicle is right for you. Their advanced search filters allow you to explore 2 million new and used cars so that you can find the perfect car. The site is so easy to use. Looking for an electric vehicle with a third row and leather seats for easy cleanup?

49:01Cars.com has you covered. A variety of tools and badges are used to help shoppers understand the price of a vehicle and find the best deal. And every review is written by a real person, reflecting a real life experience. So don't take any chances. Do car shopping the easy way. Start your search with Cars.com. Where to next? When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, Shut up.

49:44Don't say anything. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up without a doubt he was going to hurt me I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed and I just started screaming they are abducted, stalked, controlled and nearly silenced but these aren't stories about what's taken from them they're stories about what it takes to make it out alive listen to the Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home.

50:27This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. So obsessed. From best-selling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters, then that is a Trojan horse.

51:04Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus, or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first.

51:43I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Every time I tried to be alone, I kept meeting people and they were like, you smiled at us. Not a lot of people smile around here. It's when you're alone that you're most receptive to the world as it is and not the lies you're sold about it. It can be a time where you push your limits, change your mind or wake up to a new version of yourself. So whether you're a solo travel veteran or you're too nervous to book your first trip, I hope you listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

52:28so tell me when you're coming in too hot with somebody new like in a friendship you talk about building a friendship is like building a fire and you're hitting the right balance yes between tmi and tli too little information yeah will you break down the best way to spark a fire in friendship I love that. I love this. So start small. One example might be, so start small with a small gesture, small offering of revealing something small, I'll give you a specific example, and see what they do. If they're receptive, feeling warm, available, socially receptive, they're going to reciprocate. I dare say it's like instinctual to do that.

53:08They're going to reciprocate if they're available. And then you're going to just keep kind of going back and forth. really, really reciprocating. There have been beautiful studies on this where, in fact, the researcher, Arthur Aronson, he wanted to study friendship, but it was annoying getting friends to show up together at the lab at the same time. It's hard enough to schedule one undergrad to come in. It's hard enough to get pairs of friends to show up. So it was kind of a logistical nightmare. So for that banal reason, he came up with this task that is now kind of famous called the 36 questions to fall in love.

53:45It's often called on the New York Times, but really it was made to create artificial friendships. It sounds so unromantic that way in the lab. And so what he did was he came up with these 36 questions that start super shallow and they get deeper and deeper and deeper. And he paired people together who didn't know each other. And he said, go through this question one back and forth. You answer the first, I answer the first. You answer the second? I answer the second. And when he did that, people became friendly with each other relative to when they just had small talk. In the other group, they said one fell swoop it.

54:18So one person's going to go through all 36 answers and their answer all 36. And then the other person's going to answer all 36. When that group, the one fell swoopers, they did not feel close. So it really is the process of doing it together. Step by step, gradually deepening together. And because that's how you build trust, right? I call myself a recovering privacy expert, because for years, I literally stood on stage lecturing people about how bad we are at making decisions about our personal data, how bad we are at privacy. Like, shame on us. We suck so bad at it. And that's true. Like, I've done lots of research on how people can be tricked into sharing too much online and websites that are going to abuse their data.

55:05We give it all away to markets. That's true. But over the years, I've come to appreciate that that is not wrong, but it's not right either. It's way too narrow, right? And because as I was lecturing about telling people we suck at privacy in my personal life, did I have all my passwords on a computer on a notepad on my computer? Yes. Those titled passwords. Did I, was I giving and still continue to give all of my data to Buzzfeed quizzes, like to find out what my baby will look like if I married a celebrity? Yes. Like, so like I was living this double life. So it was uncomfortable for one to be being in group, but then there was a study I ran that changed everything for me that That really shocked me because it showed just how much we are, I dare say, wired to prefer people who open up relative to people who are really guarded.

56:01So in this study, it was a thought experiment. So as you know, I'm a decision scientist. And so one of the things I do or specialize in is I set up like difficult decision quandaries for people. And then if I've designed the experiment well, the answer will illuminate something fundamental. So, okay. So listeners, if you were in this study, what I'd be doing is I'd be asking you which of two people you would rather date. And suppose you talk to these people, you interview them. And at one point you ask, you talk to the first person and you ask them, have you ever had any STDs? And they say, I have had so many STDs.

56:40I guess they're STIs now. Sorry. I've had so many STIs. Like I can't even keep track of them. Like I have, I've discovered new ones. Like, so they're like, ew. The other person, you ask them the same question and they say, I'm not answering. And I know you don't want to date either, but if you had to choose, that's what I specialize in, difficult decisions. So if you had to choose, would you choose the revealer, the person that came clean about the bad stuff, or the person who's the hider who says, I'm not doing this? Wow. I can't believe I'm choosing the revealer. Right? I know. Say, what's wrong with you?

57:15What's wrong with everyone? But there's something really right about that. And so I was shocked at first, right? Like, how can you prefer someone who admits to the worst possible thing? Well, it turns out that, of course, revealing is a really foundational part of connecting and human nature. And it's so important to us to connect, to create trust, create bonds, and self-disclosure is the way we do that. That's so important that when someone abstains from that activity, like in a really conspicuous way, like I'm not answering when they're a hider, we view them with contempt. We view them as untrustworthy so much so that we'd rather date someone.

57:51We'd rather hire someone. We'd rather sit next to the subway beside someone who's like, says shady stuff relative to someone who like, is like completely conspicuously withholding. So, so that really shocked me is that it's not to say we should always volunteer. A lot of oversharing is, is like unfiltered failure to read the room, just volunteering crazy shit. But if you're explicitly asked something and the answer might not be so positive, don't saliently withhold. So that was shocking to me. The second study that shocked me was a study in neuroscience where what they did was they, my colleagues put people in a brain scan or an fMRI machine.

58:33So we know an fMRI machine, when you do tasks and it It tells the researchers the areas of your brain that are activated. And so what they did was they brought people in and they had half of the people just answer normal trivia questions as they scan their brain. The other half of the people, they gave them trivia questions about themselves. So like if you were in the scanner and be like, what's your favorite ice cream flavor? What's your favorite movie? Or do you have an enemy? Like these kinds of things. and what they found is that the people who got to self-disclose, the pleasure centers of their brain were activated.

59:07So that means like the same areas that are active when we have sex, when we eat something delicious are active when we do this thing of personal self-disclosure, which told me that this is like intrinsically rewarding and important because nature has a way of making what's important and good for us pleasurable, right? I want to ask you about this in the context of dating because I think, and even in relationship, it's where a lot of people think about disclosure for the first time if you're on a first date. Yeah, totally. I went on a date years ago with somebody who was like, I'm like sick of dating.

59:43I just want to put it all out there. And he told me like, here's my background with dating and here's my trauma and here's the, and I was like, whoa, buddy. I was so freaked out. TMI. TMI. Like you can't mess up the build that you just taught me. You need to go ladder up together. And so many of these things you've been talking about, the great examples you've had as we've been chatting are failures of like, it's too big of a step. Like the colleague who comes and says something to you and you're like, I don't want to share. Of course you don't want to share because you don't want to share when someone's like gone way too far from the get go.

1:00:15It's like very unappealing. It makes you feel weird. Yeah. So how about on dating apps? Yeah. In terms of your research, like I'll give you an example. I, I, I'm on the apps and I had a friend call me and say that her friend had just tried this and she was recommending I do it where I have photos and I have a few lines and that's basically it. I'm very concise in there. Yeah. And she said, do the opposite. Be super specific. Say everything you are and everything you're wanting and see who comes your way. I would not advise that. The reason I wouldn't advise that is because I think you're going to get people who are spending way too much time looking at the apps, which is a bad sign.

1:00:58And people who are like, then they feel like they know you because they've read this and then they get infatuated and then they're like, but they don't actually know you. You have to meet the person to know them. So what I found, and this isn't just like what I found, there's been studies. So let me stick to data. There's studies on like, so how many personality traits should you reveal about yourself? Like, should you reveal all your traits or just a few of them? So the answer to this question is you should only reveal a few of them and you should reveal the ones that are unique, but also relatable.

1:01:34So things that kind of, and positive, obviously, for the most part, or you could have something a little edgy in there, but you want to have fewer traits, like maybe like three personality traits, because there've been studies where they did this. They actually varied how the number of traits people put on their profiles. And what they found is that when you're first looking and finding if you're interested in a person, you're looking for points of similarity largely. And so if you see something, a point where you're dissimilar, that's super off-putting. Oh, interesting. Dissimilarity looms larger.

1:02:10Dissimilarity is more of a turnoff than similarity is a turn on. So it's actually, we're looking for similarity, which is great. And if we see dissimilarity, we're like, oh, they're not for me. And so the more traits you put, the more chances someone will find something dissimilar, right? Just probably statistically speaking, the less likely they're going to agree with everything, right? Yeah. It's just, it's amazing. Is that true in real life? Like when we're in conversation? A hundred percent. Like this is, this is in the initial stages, right? Over time, like it's not so, so, so fragile, so unstable, but like in those first, and these are amazing studies with real people, real life, real profiles, and then like rigorous experiments to back it up.

1:02:52So yeah, that's like a pretty clear, and I lived by it myself. And in fact, when I saw my, I met my husband on Tinder, so it can work. It's ironic. I know. And I was looking for a long-term relationship. The reason why, I know it's hilarious. It's so ironic because the reason we met on Tinder was because Tinder at the time, I don't know anymore, but had this setting where if you paid whatever the premium was, you could make it so that the only people that could see me, see my profile are the people that I've swiped right on. I have to swipe right to show up at others, which was essential to me because I was teaching MBA students.

1:03:30I was like the same age as my students then. So I'm like, I cannot have them seeing me on this thing. So smart. So that, and it was ironically Tinder, the only app that had that feature. Wow. And that was really good reveal because I found that so endearing. It's funny because my husband is kind of embarrassed when people are like, where did you meet? I'm like, Tinder. But he, I remember being very impressed by his profile because he's like, his name was C, like his name is Colin, but it just had C. And then he had like three awesome alluring and relatable facts. I just was like, tell me more.

1:04:08Hilarious. Yeah. So when I was 21, I was dating an older guy. I think he was probably like 33, much to my parents' chagrin. They hated it. But I was so infatuated with him. And I said, I love you first. It was the only time in my life in a romantic setting that I had said, I love you first. And he didn't say it back. He said something like, thank you. And so I remember watching Sex and the City and And they had this great line that said, I love you has the shelf life of milk. If it's not reciprocated in a week, it's spoiled. It's out. That's amazing. Oh, I love that. That feels very true. I thought so.

1:04:54And I started thinking, okay, I have a week. If he doesn't say it back, I'm out. Yeah. So I think a lot of people. He probably did. No, he did say it back, but I don't think he meant it. Yeah. So I also think that. So now I'm getting really nerdy on this because then I'm like, wait, maybe we should walk this back and be like, no, if they don't say it right away, then it's out. Because it's like, surely if you love someone, like, you're not going to just all of a sudden in the week, like, what's wrong? Why can't you say it now? So maybe it's like meat. Right. I think you're right. It expires in like a couple of hours.

1:05:30Baloney. Yeah. Yes. That's hilarious. Oh.

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1:06:22Cars.com has you covered. A variety of tools and badges are used to help shoppers understand the price of a vehicle and find the best deal. And every review is written by a real person, reflecting a real-life experience. So don't take any chances. Do car shopping the easy way. Start your search with Cars.com. Where to next? When I was 14 years old, I was kidnapped and held captive for nine months. I survived, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files. I just remember this low, taunting voice next to my ear saying, shut up, don't say anything.

1:07:07Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable. I knew if he woke up, without a doubt, he was going to hurt me. I started feeling that there was someone at the end of my bed, and I just started screaming. They are abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. But these aren't stories about what's taken from them. They're stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home.

1:07:48This is Prose Society, the weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for thought daughters, pop culture obsessives, and anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse. I'm Eli Rallo, and every week we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and the conversations everyone can't stop having. I'm going to have to look up this story. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. From bestselling authors and your favorite book talk creators to the latest pop culture moments, nothing is off the table. It's like if you can hide some real messages inside compelling characters and that is a Trojan horse.

1:08:25Whether you're looking for literary deep dives, smart pop culture conversations, or a community of readers who love to think a little too much, you're in the right place. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. See you between the pages. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first.

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1:09:47So tell me about I love you, because I think that a lot of people feel like that's a disclosure and that's so nerve wracking. That's a really big one. Well, is the fear that I love you is that we said too much or that it revealed an imbalance? So most people fear saying I love you and they're scared because thank you. Right. That's the worst. Totally. Totally. It's like the kind of the worst rejection we could get. And we're exquisitely sensitive to social rejection. Like I'm sure if we scanned our brains with people who are not being requited that like the pain areas of the brain would light up, like it's super bad.

1:10:25Yes. So obviously because of that, we're scared of it. But what I have learned by doing research on this is that this is another example of like hostile learning environment. Like, yes, that risk is real and yes, it sucks. But first of all, we're overestimating the likelihood that they're going to reject us, I think. In fact, I've done surveys on this and I've asked people, hey, if you said I love you to someone, when you said I love you to someone, did they say it back? And 86 % of the people said, yes, they said it back. And so for me, when I was in my life - That's not making me feel better, It's not making me up for me.

1:11:07Okay, so maybe you're a hormonautist. For me, I'm such a pessimist. And maybe, I don't know if it says something that I don't have game or something. But like before I did that study, I'm like, oh, it's going to be like 20%. 20 % of the time people are going to say, but 86%. I'm like, there'll be those. I'd bet on that. I'd bet on that. The odds are good. Right? The odds are good. So, but you don't find it dissuaging because it's just so terrifying. No, because I was in the 14%. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. You were in the right, right. So, so hostile learning environment. Yeah, you were in the 14%.

1:11:33Okay, so here's the other thing is that if you think about two situations, one situation is you love the person, you fall in love, you say it and they don't say it back. That sucks. Okay, if you had to choose, okay, one sucking is you know where I'm going. Which would you choose, right? Yes. Well, because you're right. The risk of not saying it is worse. That's the thing. That's the thing. That's actually, so okay, now I get it. if it if it hurts too much to not say the thing it's important to say the thing but if you can get away with not saying the thing if you're me you just don't say the thing and if you're you you say it anyways drop hints or I mean no like I'm still a work in progress like I I talk about you know it from the book like I was too chicken to tell my husband that I love it like when I was in love with him for a long time and then when he said it to me I said me you too like I just like oh I don't know what to do like I wasn't a proper reciprocation so for sure you write in your book that everyone has a story, but we're the only ones who can tell them.

1:12:35So what do we lose if we never share our story with the world? I know. I mean, we lose like, this is actually comes back to the first question, because I know I said I had two in mind. The one that I blurted was the fun one about the mascot. But like, the other one was about life and death and how some of my, like my father has Alzheimer's and we will be losing. I mean, it's this slow process of losing. And I'm reminded of that every time I see him, but also a friend of mine just lost their father. And so it's really, really to the same illness. And so it's really, really salient to me of this importance of like getting it out of him, right?

1:13:21Cause it's gone. And then like Like your children, the wisdom, the experiences that you have, you need to share them for people to learn and use them and benefit from them. So I think this idea of like heritage and memory, they just kind of become more and more important, I think. And another thought that I had was on this side that I've been reflecting because, you know, on parents and losing them and how one of the beautiful things about mothers, well, my mother, but I think maybe people share this with their mothers too, is that there's my mother is the only person in the world and I have lots of people that I love she's the only person in the world that I can she always wants to know all of my successes every single thing like yeah any any nice email like I'll like forward her a few and she'll be like keep them coming she's like I want and she like always wants to know and another friend of mine just lost her mother and she's like that's what I miss about her is like she was the only person in the world that really, really wanted to know every single celebration.

1:14:24So yeah. It's beautiful. That's what girlfriends are for. We have to fill in those gaps. Completely, completely. Yeah. Yeah. I totally agree. Okay. I have some funny rapid fire for you. And also thank you for sharing all of that because I think that's incredibly relatable. Yeah. Okay. The number one reveal that is in fact TMI.

1:14:47Um, well, illegal stuff. Like I murdered someone. That's really a good call. I had a boyfriend who met my parents for the first time and told a story about how he like pushed a car over like a mountain or something back when he was in high school. And my parents were like, Danielle, you need to run. Why did he tell? They didn't care about the fact as much as they were like, why would he tell your parents that at the first time meeting? Yeah, totally. Okay, a secret is only dangerous when dot, dot, dot.

1:15:27Oh, it exposes something that hurts someone or puts you at risk. Yeah. The thing people most often undershare. Their feelings. the worst place to reveal something serious first date the hardest thing to say at work there's a lot of hard things um i'm overwhelmed i'm pregnant lots of things maybe i'm pregnant yeah a reveal that almost always builds intimacy i like you something people should never reveal in a job interview. STDs. That's just because that's where my mind is. But like, no, like that they're a jerk that they have that they're like, that you're a jerk. So if you're a jerk, don't reveal that.

1:16:21Hilarious. The cure for a disclosure hangover is often more revealing. If you said something that you feel is cringy or off putting to someone, you could stop by their office later on or their cube and be like, how are you feeling? What is a question we should stop casually asking? How are you doing when we don't actually want to know the answer? Love that answer. A public reveal you think people misunderstood? Um, this may be unpopular, but the, where my mind went is social media and Justine Sacco, the really horrible joke she made about, you know, I don't even want to repeat it, but like making a glib comment about HIV.

1:17:06And I don't think she's a bad person. I don't think she meant, I just think she said something stupid and glib and didn't read the room and she shouldn't be like canceled because of that. Is oversharing underrated or overrated?

1:17:22oh underrated finish this sentence please if you want to feel closer to someone reveal blank how you're feeling i know that's kind of lame but something more women should feel allowed to reveal pregnancy i wish i mean in an ideal world an ideal world um and also like struggles with infertility, struggles with feelings, unpopular feelings. Oh, another one is postpartum. When my baby came out, I didn't feel love. And I was like, what's wrong with me? I just felt curiosity and wonderment and awe and I need some sleep. I didn't know the person, but I felt ashamed that I didn't feel love and that's fine.

1:18:07I mean, now, of course, I'm goo goo ga ga, but everybody's different. What's a book you read that changed your life, something you think everybody should read? Oh, there's so many. One of them that's changed my life is the book called Difficult Conversations. There was another. Oh, one that I'm reading right now, which is amazing, is Unreasonable Hospitality. It's so good. It's so good. It's so good. I love it. Yes. It's not so good that I want to go spend$800 at 11 Madison Park tasting menu, but I love the book. Me neither, but I love the book. Yeah, totally. What's something every woman should try once?

1:18:51Something every woman should try once. Well, I recently went snowmobiling and that was cool. I almost flipped us over, but. Love it. Yeah. Dr. John, thank you for your time. Thank you.

1:19:10Okay, you know what time it is. Today's a good day to have a good day. I'll see you next week.

1:19:43I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are The Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse.

1:20:28Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions. Yeah, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus, or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle. I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first.

1:21:06I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

1:21:20I'm Nick Turturro. You probably know me from NYPD Blue, The Longest Yard, or Spike Lee's Black Klansman. And on my new podcast, Delivering Happiness with Nick Turturro, I deliver pizza to a new guest. I've shared a slice with everyone, from Seth Rollins. What are you doing with my belt? To Bill Burr. I don't think I've ever met somebody so exactly out of their mind as I am. And now, we even have more great guests coming up, including the great John Turturro. It's called happiness. Delivering happiness. And many, many more. Open your free iHeartRadio app, search Delivering Happiness with Nick Turturro, and listen now.

1:21:55This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human.