Tefi Pessoa: Can Heartbreak Change Who You Are Forever?

23:03Even if they hate her. It's just a case of familiarity. Like maybe how people say like you find your father in everyone. I don't know if that's necessarily true, but there are traits about my dad that I definitely look for. I don't, you would never have to babysit my dad, for example, at a party. Like he, you can leave him to do his own thing and people come back and they're like, he's so funny. You know what I mean? Like my dad's that kind of guy. So I do look for that in other people, but I feel like there will always be a sense of she'll take care of it. And I feel like when I start, especially at a young age, if you start dating really young, you find yourself kind of falling into that thing.

23:44Like Like, look how much easier your life could be if I was with you. Like, look how comfortable you are. And what I didn't realize is that men didn't see that as like, oh, I have to take care of this. Men saw that as a starting point where it's like, oh, I don't even have to try. And look how good she is to me. Like, men did not see that as something that they had to, like something precious that they had to like water and nurture.

24:12Danielle:And you feel like that's important for them? absolutely. Who doesn't want to be excused? Who doesn't want to be like viciously babied, viciously? I remember one time this person said to me, oh my God, you're just like my fucking mom. And I said, who the fuck wants to fuck their son? Like shut the fuck up, you know? So, and it's also like, I'm also a fucking kid. I'm the same age as you, or maybe like two years less. You don't think I want to be fucking babied beyond like taking me to dinner. Like I can take me to dinner. But I've shown you time and time again how like comfortable I can make your life.

24:50You have shown me only the ways you have made my life harder. Yeah. You know, so when I say like momming somebody, I mean, like, are you okay? What do you need? See, I remembered. Oh, I love that. See, I remembered. Oh, you can count on me. and for some reason i don't know if dependability is also like a muscle i like to say confidence is like a muscle i don't know dependability or being a reliability is a muscle but i for sure i think it is it's a habit it is a habit that that quote how you do one thing is how you do everything drives me fucking nuts because if i showed you my apartment right now you would think I'm squatting.

25:34I have so many packages that a delivery guy, my Uber Eats driver said, happy moving. I've been here for two years.

25:42Danielle:I sort of feel like that quote haunts me as well, because you're a person of excellence. I strive for, yeah, we all, I strive for excellence too. My life is not excellent in every area. It's impossible. Right. So I hate that quote too. Did you also have an eating disorder? Yeah. When I was younger. Yeah, perfectionism is a drug. If I could put control into a pipe, I would smoke it to the filter. Okay. But that's something else that my therapist told me about people who have EDs. Instead of nourishing ourselves, we nourish others, because at least then we're busy, you know, and that really fucked me up.

26:23I know it's like I rather avoid and also dating gives us an excuse to be in control of our appearance you know so no what do you mean like getting dressed getting ready going to the gym looking cute you know like putting in extra effort or whatever there's certain ways that people with EDs like we cover things you know like I used to tell people all the time I was training for a marathon and that's why you know I wasn't doing that or I was doing too much of this or whatever. I used to tell people I enjoyed just walking to work, but I had like, you know, my calorie counters and stuff. We all cover things up.

26:55So when people are like, like taking care of my body or like working out too much, I'm like, well, I'm dating again. I don't want to gain the extra weight. You know, like for me, like dating was something I could hide. I could hide behind my partner instead of talking about me. I could talk about how exciting dating was, you know, how I met somebody, everything.

27:14Danielle:You don't like talking about you. If I'm actively like avoiding nourishment or like taking care of my body, like if I'm not, if I'm slipping into old habits, I'm talking to you about everything else. Or my friends will know when I'm avoiding them because people that you don't know, you could talk about whatever. And they think this is just you. Right. They don't know. People, you sit down and they're like, bitch, what the fuck is happening? Like you, what's going on? They know. You sit down and you're like, yeah. yeah and they're like what's going on you know and i'm like i'm losing control i'm losing control so there's a part of me also where i think with dating it's hard because you tell people these things like you share your hurt with people you know and then they hurt you and you're like i told you like i told you and so like for men whatever for your partner if they told you like a trigger of theirs.

28:10Let's say they got cheated on with their ex's coworker. Me, I'd make it an extra effort that they met all my coworkers, that they knew all the office gossip. I wanted them to feel as comfortable as possible. For men, you could say, my ex was always on dating apps. And they'll go home and download Tinder. They're just so far removed from... I don't know what investment means to men or like there's a lot of selfish women and a lot of selfish but non-binary people too it's just that the only people who have truly broken my heart are just men right you know

28:44Danielle:i also think potentially they're wired differently because it is a whole different level even good hearted people i think men are just a little bit more selfish they come at it from a different angle to begin with yeah i agree with you it's a selfish angle it's a selfish angle i'm trying to share myself with somebody. You know what I mean? I'm trying to share a life with you. I want you to meet my family. I want you to share memes with my brother. I want you to, you know, read my birthday cards from my grandfather. You know, I want my aunt to make her famous charcuterie board for you. It's fantastic.

29:17You know, but men are just like, you know, they want to make sure that they are still validated. They're obsessed with validation.

29:25Danielle:But I think it's really like, I think we have really multi-pronged wants and needs and for them it feels like it's sex food and ego yeah and then and then they wonder why we think about them so like pre-historically and i'm like well yeah but also like how would you it would it would hurt my heart to live my life knowing that you were this multi-dimensional person and I just never didn't know and I and you didn't find me either worthy or you know you didn't share that with me but then I go to sleep and I'm like I think we always think about the things that we could have done like I had a boyfriend once that used to come home at like seven in the morning and he used to come home so fucked up and I would like scream and scream at him it'd be a huge fight and I look back and I'm like why didn't I bolt the door.

30:23Why didn't I let that motherfucker sleep outside? Like a consequence? Because I thought the consequence was disappointing me. That didn't mean anything to him. And then I also tell myself, because that's not you. You would never let anybody sleep outside with nowhere to go in the winter. That's just not within.

30:40Danielle:And is that something you like about yourself? I love that about me. That's why I have these relationships. You're not going to change that about me. That's the key, right? You know, I would go on these dates after these like tremendous heartbreaks. I've had like three tremendous heartbreaks in my life. And like, you're so brave. You know, like one of my relationships didn't work out. I'm like, I wonder who, like, I look just like him, you know? And she was like, and I was never brave enough to get back out there really. And you just really pick yourself up and you go out. And I'm like, I leave before they take that for me.

31:12I know a lot of people who are really bitter. I know a lot of people.

31:16Danielle:But you can always get it back. You can always get it back, but it's expensive. Yes, it is. It's expensive emotionally and financially, potentially. Babe, you can be like, I could date somebody for a year. Who's to say they won't date somebody in my building? I'm not doing that shit again. Do you really have control over it? Exactly. But the only thing I have control of, the only thing that I have control of in my life is how I love people. You know what I mean? Yeah. So I have had heartbreaks in my life where I have walked around Central Park in a robe and slippers, open mouth crying. Yeah. I looked like SpongeBob's grandma.

31:56Oh, that's real heartbreak. On the phone, my mom. And she says later, I would talk to her like every hour on the hour for days. And my mom later told me, I didn't understand a word that you were saying. It was hysterical. I've had heartbreaks where my cousins have to fly in to ensure that I'm eating. You know what I mean? I've had heartbreaks where I leave the country for like months, you know, and, but I've always, even though it broke my fucking heart, I was always the one to say, even though they said, you know, I'll never love you this way. You know, technically, technically I'm always the one to leave, but it's not out of nowhere.

32:37You know, like I'm not like this mysterious, like I'm not this person with that leaves like a letter on the bed saying like, you know, I'll see you in a dream or something. No, you know, I leave right before I feel like you're about to imprint on me. Like you're about to mold me into somebody fearful. And I can't do that because if you take that from me, I can't be happy for my friends who fall in love. I can't be happy for my siblings. You know how nice it is to see your siblings in love like that, to see somebody love your siblings or see them, not the way that you see them but cherish them or feel like they're irreplaceable that the way that you feel that's such a gift i said to my siblings all the time i love seeing you guys in love i see however to my brother i'm like i see however you get her a glass of water whenever she asks that kind of hurt a little bit i've been asking for 32 years but that's okay you know i mean but like there's a point about loving love because you know i know and we'd go through it when we're going through breakups too where you see people in love and you're like he's cheating on her.

33:35I don't want to be like that. No, it's going to end. Or like you see an old guy and you're like getting flowers, you know, and like it's probably for his mistress. I've had friends like that. I'm like, you need to talk to somebody.

33:47Danielle:Yeah. Well, I guess you bring up two things. One is it sounds like you refuse to betray yourself, which I think is really valuable. But two, you refuse to let someone bend your spirit? I just feel like I fought so hard for it. The reason I am the way that I am is because at one point I was not, you know, there are ways every day that we betray ourselves. There are little ways every day that we don't act to our best interest. You know what I mean? But I will say, maybe it's because I'm a cancer. Maybe it's because I'm Latin. Maybe it's because I'm a woman, but I do believe in the idea of a tribe, of a village, of a community, right?

34:30I always tell people, if the people who love you the most and have nothing to gain from your unhappiness are telling you that you can do better, I think you should listen. They have nothing to gain. You know what I mean? So when it comes to my mom or like my ex is, when I'm ready to break up with somebody, I tell them everything. I sit down and I'm like, you have to help me leave this man. You have to help me, whoever it is oh you tell your people i tell my people because you can't oh that's so hard because there's no unwinding that there's no unwinding that so it gets to the point then where if i see them again and of course i have i have to sit with that feeling of i betrayed them i betrayed the people who were on the phone with me when they couldn't understand me oh my god my head's exploding i betrayed them so so because it's easy to betray ourselves we can forgive ourselves you know what I mean over and over again but when your mom calls and she's like how was your weekend I miss you and you know that you're like this woman has listened to me she was there for me she did everything I can't tell her or and my mom does this thing too it's a little mafioso but it really works where she'll sit me down she's done it in a couple different ways but the most recent way was I want you to know it could be 10 years down the line you you could get back with this man you could have children with this again i will never see those grandchildren i will never speak to you again i cannot bear to see you with somebody who doesn't know what you are and i'm like bitch it is day two of the breakup yeah not day 102 you know but it's also important for me too that she comes here and she sees me because that she reminds me she's like do you know what what you were like yeah because we don't see ourselves when we're in that state I look at pictures of myself and I'm like, you look like a white walker.

36:18Danielle:Uh-huh. I know. It always shows up physically. Always.

36:31Danielle:Zach, nice vacation spot. But without T-Mobile 5G home internet, I feel so cut off. It's scary. Relax. Just breathe in the woodsy woodsy-ness. Zach! Don't open it. It's a monster. I just know it. Buddy, it's just our DoorDash driver delivering our T-Mobile 5G home internet. Here you go, guys. Thanks. Look, Donald, now you can get the fastest 5G home internet with same-day delivery powered by DoorDash. And it's easy to set up. See? Nothing to be afraid of. We're saved. It's scary how easy it is. Get T-Mobile 5G home internet delivered the same day. Powered by DoorDash. Just$35 a month with auto pay and a voice line.

37:16Danielle:Plus taxes and fees. Same day delivery for most internet eligible customers. See if it's an option during checkout. Fastest according to Ookla Speed Test. Based on Speed Test Intelligence data. Second half 2025. All rights reserved. Doja Cat. My V World Tour.

37:35Danielle:Live in concert. With special guest, Lotto.

37:45Doja Cat.

37:49Danielle:Live across North America in 2026. Get tickets now at DojaCat.com. And now another appliance triumph from our friends at Grand Appliance. With three kids, I'm always cramming the washer full. So when we needed a new laundry set, I asked the experts at Grand Appliance for a big capacity washer with a dryer that could keep up. They recommended Electrolux, and we love it. Advanced cleaning features with a massive dryer that gets everything dried the first time? Yes, please. Sounds like another perfect match from the Grand Team. Shop GrandAppliance.com What's up, fam? I'm sports journalist Ari Chambers.

38:31Hey, what's up, y 'all? It's your girl, Sam Jay. And we're the hosts of Everyone Watches Women's Sports, a new podcast from Together and I Heart Women's Sports. Because let's be real, women's sports is giving us way too much to talk about these days. So Kelsey Finler, she became the first female solo rower to go from California to Hawaii. My first thought is like, what's up with the snacks? Like, what are we eating? The highlights, the rivalries, the breakout stars, the moments that take over your entire timeline. And the conversations that start during the game and somehow keep going all week.

39:03Every week, we're breaking down the biggest stories across women's sports. Naomi Osaka showing out. She beat Sabalenka. Shout out to you, Naomi. You get the palm, Naomi. You get the palm for that. Because we're not just interested in what happened. We're interested in why everyone's talking about it. Because everyone watches women's sports. Listen to Everyone Watches Women's Sports on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

39:35Danielle:You said you've had three heartbreaks. I think there's different kinds of heartbreak. You can break your own heart. There's family heartbreak. There's romantic heartbreak. When I say heartbreak, what comes up for you immediately? I think heartbreak, I think being in love is feeling like a kid again. And being a kid again feels vulnerable. Whenever I think of heartbreak, I think of being a teenager. Because that's really what love feels like. You know what I mean? I hate the reason I love I I love astrology I love all of the occult I love all of it you know what I mean I love prayer I love when people are like oh I don't believe in God or whatever I'm like I don't care my sister's atheist I rock with that bitch I think we're gonna go to the same place but it would just be lonely for me you know and I the idea of life having magic to it and little things little things like being in the mood for ice cream and then you are walking and you see an ice cream shop, you're like, Oh my God.

40:34You know, like things like that. I like the magic in life. And when you're in love, life does feel magical.

40:43Danielle:What a beautiful way of describing it. It feels like a gift. It really does. You talk to people about heartbreak and love and say the same thing. No, this is different. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like you feel like it's so, it's so. No one could possibly understand. Yeah. It's unique. It's like, like, I understand you've been heartbroken like I look at my mom and I'm like no you don't understand she's like I had three children I was married and I was like yeah that's cute but you don't understand that's sweet you don't understand what I'm going through you don't understand so there's that thing where it's like the people that you are during those like three four hundred heartbreaks or whatever they're different people and I I told my ex like I miss her I miss the person that I was I like who I am but that girl I'm never going to know her again because you put me through things that I probably didn't have to learn you know what I mean I've never heard anybody talk about that she was so protective of me she waited to date you know like she found a guy that she really liked she waited to like sleep with him she was really really confident she knew that she was smart and that she was funny and you took her from me you know you took her from me so now i have to do that all over again but i'm never going to be that person again ever i'll never be that little 27 year old girl so excited to meet up with you because because i felt something and i thought okay like he's really nice he talked he calls his mom all the time like that person that was so that person was trying to protect me and i let her down i'm like so emotional hearing you say that i there's like i think so much grief wrapped around on that it is grief it's mourning but people are like oh everybody mourns a relationship I'm like no I'm mourning yeah the hope I had the hope the and the version of yourself I think I wanted magic so bad that I or I was so used to everybody having a little bit of magic that I may have made it up for you a little bit where you were lacking you know what I mean and that yeah and I love that she did that for like I'll look at somebody like I love that she did that for you but another thing that you took from me when you cheat on somebody or when you betray somebody is I've never met a woman that I didn't want to be fucking friends with I meet a woman and I'm just like this could be my friend and now for the next few months I'm gonna meet new people and wonder if they're your fucking type you turned you you turned women you turned you made me turn my back a little bit for women so I can heal when I can even like question my friends yeah were you attracted to my friends did you flirt with my friend and I feel like there are some friends that there's some partners that definitely did and some partners that definitely did not yeah and I know my friends would never but they you know my friends say something they're like we trusted him with you and that really hurt me.

43:41Yeah. Because I trusted him with me too. The way that they treat their friends, the way that they treat their family, the way that they talk about their friends, the way they talk about their exes. When you're young, you just think it's so nuanced and it's not. It's not nuanced. It is, those people are just normal everyday people. You know what I mean? Like the way that this guy, like one of my partners would talk about all of his friend's success, almost like they didn't deserve it. I'll never forget that because one day he woke up, we were sleeping together and he woke up and he said, I had a nightmare.

44:16And I was like, what was your nightmare? And he was like, I had a nightmare that you were on SNL. And I was like, that's a weird thing. And then when I got signed to UTA and there was an announcement on Variety, he messaged it to me on WhatsApp and we haven't spoken in years. Look at where you are now. Remember how poor you were? And I was like, I was never special. I was just not successful. And that made me perfect for you. You were always the one that was more successful than me at that point. Oh, I went off. I texted my mom. Then she goes, say this. I'm like, mom, I can't say that.

44:49Danielle:Also, you were never poor. You were baby broke. Exactly. I was beginning. I was beginning. And now I realized, oh my God, I wasn't special. I wasn't a safe place. I was just comfortable. I was easy. And I was younger and I just moved to New York and he had been here his whole life. So like he could show me things he loved. I always say that to girls when they're going on dates, just let him teach you something. Ask him about his interests and then ask one thing about it and let him talk and he'll be obsessed with you. Men love to teach you things. You know what I mean? And to show you new stuff.

45:25Oh, they love it. They really do.

45:27Danielle:Like, oh, this restaurant is incredible. I've never been here. Have you heard of this vegetable? It's called eggplant. No. like oh my god like it's so but if you were to do something better i feel it's weird because this one this one person i dated for a little bit i would show him things and then i went through his phone and he would send girls the songs i would send him and the memes i would send him and i was like i was like this girl doesn't even know she's dating me and it's because he had no originality he took on your personality nothing i've also dated people who oh were intimidated by me and i didn't realize and they thought the only way that they could hold my attention was fighting with me so i would sit down and be like i'm a terrible person like i don't understand what i'm doing wrong and then it it took like my friend to sit me down and be like the only time you guys your full attention you're so busy is when you guys are fighting and he's ringing it in other than talking about it.

46:28And I would go through our conversations. I'm like, oh my God, this guy is a fucking vampire. And no wonder I don't want to talk to him all the time because I felt bad. I was like, I want to resolve with him, but I just don't want to talk to him. She's like, he's programmed you that every time you talk to him, he's going to be unhappy about something. And that way you dedicate your whole life, your whole day to making him feel better and apologizing. Heartbreak is normal and heartbreak is part of life. I get it. But I think in the future, your standards change every fucking heartbreak your standards change i always say standards are your neighborhood and boundaries are your fencing standards are where you live and the fencing to your house are your boundaries so you know what i mean like a standard for me is i'm monogamous that's a standard for me i don't want to be in a poly thing and everybody who wants that should be with somebody that wants the same thing and I don't want to get in the way of you finding that.

47:25Danielle:But also don't lie to me and tell me you want to be monogamous. Don't lie to me and tell me you just don't want me to see anybody. That's usually what it is. Oh my god, you know how many times I've met a guy that's like, I'm in an open relationship and she isn't? No. They say that to you? It's happened to me a bunch, but not like they don't say it. On Raya, I'm like, all of you motherfuckers are married. A lot of them. There's a whole thing with girlfriends. All of them. My ex was on Raya like the whole time we were in a relationship. I had no idea. He was for friends and networking. No, I didn't even know like he was on it.

48:07People swear. My mom has a saying to lie to my face is to call me an idiot. And I'd be like, why are you on this app? And they're like, oh, I'm looking for casting for that. You're looking for casting? but it's part of the casting process showing them your dick in an apartment you don't pay rent for it's like my apartment like i get it the lighting's great

48:33Danielle:but no no well i read that you said hurt people hurt people which is a common phrase but you said that sometimes the only way people know they exist is if they hurt people there's a moment where people realize that they're not going to be that they're not special you know and i think it happens with men more there's a moment where a man realizes he's not going to be a rock star he's not going to be the wolf of wall street he's not going to be this pro athlete he's just a person and i feel like women for us it's different it's like the the friends we have where we live the clothes we wear like those things are more statusy you know what I mean?

49:13Oh, then men, men, it's like an ego thing. Like the status for men is different. It's different. And there is a moment where men realize I'm not going to be, I'm not special. You know, I'm just a regular guy with a regular job with a regular apartment. And I think that's fine, but for them, it's not. And I think there are people in the world, including women. I know a lot of women who go this route too, for different reasons, but they realize that if they are the main character in their movie and no one's going to watch it, they'd rather be the villain or they'd rather be the victim. They'd rather be pitied and they'd rather be hated than not be seen at all.

49:55And those people are the people where we confuse and we're like, oh my God, he's mean to everybody but me. Or like, I'm the only one that understands her. I'm the only one that's there for her. They designed it that way. You're now the supporting character in their movie that they've been writing for years like the person that you know runs away traveling everywhere alone posts about like being alone and whatever they they want it that way they knew that here they were just a regular person but they had to create this like idea of them so they carved this out they're a voyager you know what i mean they're brave they're or a girl who just like she just she just can't get it together and like poor have you ever met somebody that can't stop dating shitty people if they didn't date shitty people who would they be what's the story what do they talk about at dinner how somebody fucked them over oh i've never thought about this this is interesting i think there's courage in being normal there's courage and normalcy.

51:02Danielle:There's a lot of courage and normalcy and consistency. The courage to be who you are. I think people think like, oh, the courage to be a star, to be who you are. They mean like the courage to draw attention to myself. What if you're not, what if you're not that person? Are you brave enough to face that and be okay with that? What if you're not that person? That doesn't make sense. And what if that's actually weak? I think there's this real house wife's quote, where she says quarters in a money box make a lot of noise, but dollars are quiet. And I think that way about confidence sometimes, and everybody has confidence differently, right?

51:39Right.

51:40Danielle:So I saw on Twitter in September of 21, you said you went through a pretty public breakup and you said, I'm trying so hard to be graceful about this. This is the worst heartbreak of my life. Please stop DMing me and all this other stuff. I first of all kudos to you I don't know how you went through a public breakup I have like so much love for you I it's so hard to go through it at all let alone publicly thank you how did the heartbreak leave you because I think it manifests differently depending on what your childhood wounds are I think it can leave you feeling unlovable it can leave you feeling insecure it can leave you feeling empowered like there's all these different ways heartbreak can leave you?

52:24There is something that a lot of people don't know. And the reason, a big reason that I was quiet about it was because it was, there was a lot of stuff that was pretty private. It wasn't my story to tell the reason why we had really not worked for so long. And it was rooted in like addiction and like substance abuse. I thought it'd be tacky to like talk about that when it affects like someone's whole family and like all this stuff and whatever. And, but second of all, there was a point in my relationship where it got very clout chasey. So I didn't want to, I didn't want to drive any traffic. I wasn't going to do it.

53:10So there was a, there was a point where I was like, this person loves being my partner, but I don't think they love me necessarily. They love the way that I love them. They love the way that I show them off. They love that people who support me and interact with me and follow me view us. But we would be in a room together and he wouldn't speak to me. He'd be like on his phone the whole time going through his DMs, going through his photos, seeing what he could post, a lot of selfies. And so when we broke up, I was like, I'm not driving any traffic to you. I'm not telling anybody anything. I'm going to be really, really quiet about it.

53:49I'm not going to, I'm not going to do you any favors. I'm not going to give you a platform because the last thing I'm going to do is give a man a platform where he can talk about me.

53:57Danielle:Yeah. What does it feel like to, to feel like, I actually don't think I've, I did feel that once where I dated somebody and I didn't feel like they actually loved me after, cause you guys were together for a good amount of time. We were, we were. And some of it was good and some of it was nightmare on Elm Street, but it was like, it was just a lot of, there was a lot of stuff that I was unprepared for. There was a lot of stuff I was unprepared for. There was a lot of stuff that I didn't have experience with. And I guess when somebody says, oh, I'm only like this when I'm fucked up. And then you're like, but you're fucked up all the time.

54:38so I think this might be you and I think that they liked that I I don't have anything like that in my family so they knew that I was they knew I was gonna if I had now if that happened to me I would say either get help or leave but at that point I had to have no experience in that so I was like come in you know let's talk about it what's going on whatever I was just more empathetic it's even hard to identify sometimes no there's a point where i was like i'm fucked yeah really yeah there was no and i think in the beginnings of things like you're just getting fucked up all the time you're going to dinner you're having a bottle of wine you're doing this you're doing that you're going out all the time friday night but i remember just it was like getting in the way of someone and their vice was like being called by like a tiger like there was an anger there.

55:33Like there was like a, like there's a switch that happened. Like if you were to deny them or if you were to restrict them in any way, or even the word sobriety gets popped up, it was like, it was like a tiger. I think that relationship taught me, taught me a lot about how much I'm willing to take. And I'm really proud of myself that I had the patience to love someone like that. And I'm happy to have seen my bandwidth, but I don't ever want to be stretched that far ever again. And publicly, it was hard because there were people who were supporting me and then I would go through his phone and they'd be like, hit me up when you and Tuffy break up.

56:20So I don't think I'm ever... Yeah. And I went on my page and I DM them and I was like, I know what you're sending this person. You're disgusting. You're like vile. And I blocked that. But I think that was one thing too, where it's like the support, the support that I would get, if I talked about it, I could go, I could go viral for that. I could talk about, you know, a bunch of topics within that breakup. I could talk about, you know, dealing with somebody who's angry, dealing with somebody who's like has substance abuse or dealing with heartbreak in general, dealing with like somebody cheating on you, like whatever.

56:54There's a lot of stuff I could have talked about, but the support would be so cheap. The support would be so cheap. It just wouldn't be, it just, that's not what I want to be supported for. I'm not like this weak person. I know what I'm doing. I can, I can handle it. And there are things that I learned that relationship that I can tell you about without having to tell you about it. You know,

57:18Danielle:I actually think this is tangential, but I often think about like the longevity and health of influencers and that distinction you made is it because it's so beautiful when you like the whole point of a great speech is somebody teaches you something without you having to learn the lesson yourself. Like that is the mark of a great book, a great speech, a great something like a great podcast. But if you're processing it while we're learning with you, there's no lesson there. No, it's just it's performative.

58:01Danielle:Zach, nice vacation spot. But without T-Mobile 5G home Internet, I feel so cut off. It's scary. Relax, just breathe in the woodsy-woodsiness. Zah! Don't open it. It's a monster. I just know it. Buddy, it's just our DoorDash driver delivering our T-Mobile 5G home internet. Here you go, guys. Thanks. Look, Donald, now you can get the fastest 5G home internet with same-day delivery powered by DoorDash. And it's easy to set up. See? Nothing to be afraid of. We're saved. It's scary how easy it is. Get T-Mobile 5G home internet delivered the same day. Powered by DoorDash. Just$35 a month with auto pay and a voice line.

58:46Danielle:Plus taxes and fees. Same day delivery for most internet eligible customers. See if it's an option during checkout. Fastest according to Ookla Speedtest based on Speedtest intelligence data. Second half 2025. All rights reserved. Doja Cat. My V World Tour.

59:05Danielle:Live in concert. With special guest, Lotto.

59:15Doja Cat.

59:18Danielle:Live across North America in 2026. Get tickets now at DojaCat.com. And now, another appliance triumph from our friends at Grand Appliance. With three kids, I'm always cramming the washer full. So when we needed a new laundry set, I asked the experts at Grand Appliance for a big capacity washer with a dryer that could keep up. They recommended Electrolux, and we love it. Advanced cleaning features with a massive dryer that gets everything dried the first time? Yes, please! Sounds like another perfect match from the Grand team. Shop GrandAppliance.com What's up, fam? I'm sports journalist Ari Chambers.

1:00:01Hey, what's up, y 'all? It's your girl, Sam J. And we're the hosts of Everyone Watches Women's Sports. a new podcast from Together and I Heart Women's Sports. Because let's be real, women's sports is giving us way too much to talk about these days. So Kelsey Finler, she became the first female solo rower to go from California to Hawaii. My first thought is, like, what's up with the snacks? Like, what are we eating? The highlights, the rivalries, the breakout stars, the moments that take over your entire timeline. And the conversations that start during the game and somehow keep going all week.

1:00:32Every week, we're breaking down the biggest stories across women's sports. Naomi Osaka showing out. She beat Sabalenka. Shout out to you, Naomi. You get the palm, Naomi. You get the palm for that. Because we're not just interested in what happened. We're interested in why everyone's talking about it. Because everyone watches women's sports. Listen to Everyone Watches Women's Sports on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

1:01:05Danielle:Do you think that women experience heartbreak differently than men? Yeah, I literally, when I was going through my last breakup, I said, I have to say goodbye to these children I've imagined in my mind. I have to say bye to them, you know, and for a woman, there is this timer. Now we have like all these advancements, whatever, but I don't want to freeze my eggs. I don't want to, you know, like, and it sounds fantastic. And maybe, you know, I think that women can have babies later. But when we broke up, I was like, I'm probably not going to have kids. So I'm like 37 now, maybe if I do. And there's that clock men can be 70 something.

1:01:43But you're saying goodbye to like an era in your life that only fits like a certain thing if you want children. That's how I know I'm in love to like right now, if children happen for me, that's amazing. What a blessing. And if they don't, that's okay. You know what I mean? Like, I don't think it would be detrimental to me. When I'm in love, I want to give somebody a baby really bad. So there was that point where I looked at him and I was like, it's hard. You wanted a family so bad. You want a family for the first time ever, like a functional family. And my family is very functional and very normal and boring in the best way.

1:02:21So I was like, I gave you something that you were looking for and you used it against me. You know what I mean? Like you, you took the normalcy and the foundation that you were looking in someone for, and you jumped on it. You wanted to see if it could crack. And I told you, and I'd say to all my partners, I will leave. You think I won't. And I know there's going to be a point where you think, oh, she can handle anything. I will leave. I will go. And then they never believe me when I'm like, no, it's done. You know? So there's,

1:02:55Danielle:I think that's actually a gender difference. I think women will like, they'll endure a lot, but once they're gone, they're gone. Maybe there's a part of us too, where even if we have children or not, the idea of having to protect a child from someone doesn't mean it to me anymore. That's interesting. It's that instinctual thing. For me also, I have to be with someone I'm proud of. If I'm no longer proud of you, I can't do it. And it's not an admiration thing. You could be a fucking carpenter. I don't fucking care. You could be a cashier at Target. I don't give a fuck. But it's something about character, about doing the right thing.

1:03:34My mom says kind people are so kind even when it's hard. That's something that I really, really admire in people because it's so easy for me to be nice to you but if you looked at me and you were like well everybody thinks you're really stupid i can look at you like i'd be so but and but i would need need to like dig deep and be like i'm really sorry you feel that way you know what i mean like that was some that's something i admire in people my friend is a divorce attorney

1:04:04Danielle:she got married and her husband they were at the altar and her husband like previously had asked her she put this in her vows her husband asked her like you see all these people for years getting divorced you're in the thick of it with them what have you garnered what have you learned like what what advice can you give us as we move towards marriage and she said the one thing that she said to him was, you need to marry somebody who not only does the right thing for you, but does the right thing for everybody. Yeah. When I was deep in heartbreak, I would find myself Googling like how to feel better.

1:04:38Danielle:And I knew I wasn't going to find anything, but I just like, I was doing all the things I trained for triathlon. I did therapy. Like I was being so proactive about the heartbreak. I didn't want to sit in it. No. And I'm wondering if you have found anything that you can share that you think actually helps. You got to sit in the shit. I've been avoiding it. I avoid it all the time. I drove into work and my mom said, everywhere you go, you will follow. Your mom sounds so wise. She is so annoying. Enough. Stop. Stop it. Stop being right. Teffy's mom. I mean, like, you know, there was a there was this movie with JLo and Robert Redford on Netflix.

1:05:24And my mom came to visit me. I forget. I think I was moving and she kept she came and helped me move. And we were in bed together and I had to leave for an appointment. And she was like, I'm going to keep watching the movie. And I was like, OK, rude. And she's watching the movie and she's text me and she's like, call me after your meeting. And I said, OK. And I called her. I'm like, hey, I'm on my way back. She's like, you know, I finished the movie. She's like, you know, JLo in this movie. she was in an abusive relationship. And my mom was like, you know, Robert Redford asked JLo why she stayed with a man that hit her.

1:05:58And she said, you know, I know, I know that he was bad, but I didn't think I could do better. And I was quiet. And she was like, did you hear me? She stayed with somebody that she knew she was better than, but she didn't think that she could do better. And I was like, I heard you mother. I'm like on sixth Avenue. Like I cannot cry right now, but she was like, we watch her and we're like, she is so kind. She's so generous. She loves her daughter. She deserves the world, but it doesn't matter because she didn't think that she could do better than a man who beat the fuck out of her. And I think about that all the time.

1:06:33Danielle:When you think about it, because I, I, I think that this, I, that idea does not discriminate between women with confidence or without. It's not the lack of confidence that spurs that. There's women I've interviewed offline. They're powerhouses. And they tell me about these horrible relationships he's been in where men steal money from them, things you would never think of. What gets us there? I mean, love is hopeful. You always love the person that you feel like they're loading to be. You know what I mean? the person that you fell in love with is rarely the person that you end up with it says hopefully love grows together as you guys discover each other but it's rare especially when you're with insecure men you know or an insecure partner I think heartbreak's like a really important part of love so I have a few temporary that's the thing that fucks you up yeah when you're in it you don't feel like it is.

1:07:35And it's very temporary.

1:07:37Danielle:So I have a few rapid fire questions for you. Okay. Let's hear it. Okay. A movie you put on when you're sad. The Holiday. The Worst Betrayal is? The Worst Betrayal is Omission. Omission is a sneaky form of a lie, I think. I hate a person that lives on technicalities. Yes. I technically wasn't disrespectful. I technically didn't lie. I was like, well, you're technically a coward. So yeah. A celebrity couple that you like, that you're rooting for. Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell. Love it. Forever. Grand romantic gesture, intimate romantic moment. I'm a Leo moon. I need, I need both. Me too. I, when I read that, I was like, yeah, same both.

1:08:24Danielle:Your favorite date spot in New York. my favorite date spot in New York Central Park I'm pretty pretty uh I love a I love an outdoorsy picnic moment but we have to be near the bathrooms the bathrooms have to be like an eye distance and please don't make me do that I have a very weak bladder we can't I can't piss myself in the bushes especially if we're drinking wine like please what's something that you see in yourself that you haven't shown the world yet? I think maybe how mean I can be. I can be really show us. Well, I'm a people are like, what do you mean? I'm like, I'm a big sister. I can get creative.

1:09:04You know what I mean? But I can definitely be vengeful. I can be vengeful. It's not something I'm proud of, but it is something where like, I'm not going to let you walk around. I'm always going to get my lick back. You know what I mean? Like, that's what I mean by that.

1:09:15Danielle:I also feel like that's Miami of you. Yeah, no, I mean it in the best way. A quality that you always look for in a friend. Inclusion. Like if we're with other people and there's an inside joke and you turned to me like, it's funny because I like that. I like that. Right now. Yeah. A book that changed your life. Something you think everyone should read. Fantastic. Mr. Fox. It's my first chapter book. I have like 13 different versions of it. I love that book so much. It was my first, first like chapter book. I was like seven years old and I think I've read it like a million times. I just love that character.

1:09:51I love solution-based thinking. You know what I mean? I agree.

1:09:56Danielle:Have you ever thought about becoming a therapist? Like, does it like... Every day of my life. Yeah. You think about it in your mind. I just want to be able to not get involved and I think that's where that stops. I would love to be like a teacher, like a professor of something. Like, I'd love to like teach something and that way I can get a little bit more involved. But like a therapist can't like, You can't hug your clients. I would be like to bosom. Come here. Card game, 52 questions. Because we're virtual, just tell me when to stop. Stop. What expert do you want lessons from? What expert do I want lessons from?

1:10:36There are a couple people that I have in my mind. One is Rita Moreno. You want to learn how to be an EGOT? I just feel like she was around in Hollywood where I'm sure a lot happened. And there's a Latin point of view that I really look for. You know what I mean? And Michelle Lavan Robinson Obama. I love her a lot. And I would love to talk to Salma Hayek for a while. I feel like she's just someone that tells you like it is. You know what I mean? And she's great enough to do it.

1:11:13Danielle:whatever comes to your mind first, the smartest decision you've ever made. The smartest decision I've ever made was to go to that audition. The reason I'm on TikTok is because I went to this audition for YouTube. This company was starting their own channels. They were looking for talent. And I was a receptionist. I was like 28. And I wasn't an actress. I'd never done anything. And everybody that was going were like food critics and bloggers and podcasters. And I was just like a receptionist. And I went and out of like 100 people, I'm the only one that got the job. So I think that's the smartest thing I ever did was like, I think you could do that.

1:11:56Or people love to make things so complicated, like the training of it, the broadcast journalism of it, like the speech, how you talk or whatever. But there's an it for people that people look for. And I think it's like Zendaya has it. I'm not saying that I have that, but I think I know how to make people feel comfortable. And I knew that I could do it. I knew that I could do it. And I just wasn't going to let people technicality me my way out of thinking that way. So I think that's the smartest thing I ever did was like bet on myself that one time. And once you win that bet, you know what I mean?

1:12:28You're just like, what if I did this? So if it wasn't for that, I would have never uploaded my first TikTok if I didn't, If I wasn't like, let's roll the dice one more time, you did well the first time. You know?

1:12:40Danielle:You listened to the whisper, whatever was right here. The whisper? Oh. Yeah. I call it my weeping willow, like in Pocahontas. I like that. Well, because I was a Disney girl. Yeah. And that was like the nicest fucking tree anyone's ever fucking seen. I think sometimes, not sometimes, every week I go and I visit teenage me in our childhood bedroom. And I tell her what we did that week. You do? Yeah. Actively? It's like a... Yes, actively. Actively, I sit and I make time for it and I pretend. And sometimes at the end of it, she'll be like, are we happy? And I know that if I say no, then she's going to be like, what the fuck is the point of me going through all that shit for?

1:13:24Because she hasn't done it yet. Like telling somebody what a racetrack, what a marathon is going to look like. You know, like the uphills, the downhills, whatever. So I have to make it worthwhile for her to keep going because she's been dreaming about me her whole life. Like what I'm doing now, she's been thinking about her whole life, you know? So I think that's something, too, where I carry 15-year-old me around with me. So when it comes to the audition, I can hear her say, like, fuck it, who cares? You know?

1:14:00Danielle:Okay, you know what time it is. today's a good day to have a good day i'll see you next week

1:15:01Danielle:We'll be right back. Topping six for pan and New York-style crust. Minimum purchase required for delivery. Prices participation, delivery area, and charges may vary. The Hulu original series Furious is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney+. Starring Emmy Rossum as Alice Black, Furious follows a rookie FBI agent on the hunt for Catherine, played by Lola Petticrew, a mysterious and calculating female serial killer. While Alice upholds justice, Catherine kills for it, terrorizing the rich and powerful men of New York in her pursuit of vengeance. With secrets that change everything, Alice discovers there's a thin line between Hunter and Prey.

1:15:39Danielle:Watch the Hulu original series, Furious, on July 27th. Streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply. Honey, Felipe sent another photo. From Argentina? How? With T-Mobile, of course. Mira, he's video calling us. Hola, familia. Did you get my photos? We did. They're so pretty. Here to share every moment with T-Mobile. Enjoy data roaming at no extra charge in 21 Latin American countries. Switch now on the T-Life app or T-Mobile.com slash connectate. Qualifying plan required not for extended international use. You must reach out in the U.S. and primary usage must occur in our network.

1:16:16Danielle:Visit T-Mobile.com. Now more than ever, America needs a laugh. Enter the Super Troopers to the rescue. Vermont's finest and most shockingly offensive mustachioed highway patrol officers return to the big screen in Super Troopers 3 with more pullover pranks and more over-the-top shenanigans than ever. In this latest installment of the cult comedy classic Rod Farva's wildly over-the-top Indian engagement to Thorny's sister spirals out of control, a debaucherous bachelor party, a wedding that Thorny is desperate to stop, and a dangerous drug smuggling ring all threaten the troops' friendships and future.

1:16:52Danielle:Fill your liter of cola, grab your buds, and roll up to the multiplex for Super Troopers 3. Only in theaters August 7th. Get tickets, meow. This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human.