The Birthday Pressure We Don’t Talk About with Alexandra Hayes

23:11They're usually one in the same. Thank you for pointing that out. I didn't actually notice that. Well, because it's innate to you. It's like one of your natural gifts. And I think we don't always notice our natural gifts, but it's totally one of yours. You have a really amazing ability to think about the future or like to see the meaning behind what we're doing now. Like you can connect the dots in this really cool way. My dad has that. I see it in him. And so I think I grew up with his voice in my head. I think a great example of it, which is so random, is global warming. And he would always be like, it's something about the human mind that they cannot wrap their mind around 100 years into the future.

23:45The idea that we can only see problems that are right in front of us and immediate as opposed to seeing them 100 years down the road. So I'm always long-term thinking. But balancing it is hard. Balancing both the fears around you wanting your future kids to have as much time with your parents as possible so that they can have the relationship you did. Like we're not getting time back, even if they do have less years with your parents than you got with your grandparents. Like, I don't know, is it about amount of time or is it about quality of time? I know it's probably about both. Yeah. I mean, I can't rush.

24:19I can only do my best. Yeah. But it is something that's on my heart.

24:31Hello, hello. I'm Malcolm Gladwell, host of the podcast Smart Talks with IBM. I recently sat down with IBM's chairman and CEO, Arvind Krishna, and I asked him, how can companies use AI to its fullest potential to create smarter business? My one advice to them, pick areas you can scale. Don't pick the shiny little toys on the side. For example? If anybody has more than 10 % of what they had for customer service 10 years ago, they're already five years behind. If anybody is not using AI to make their developers who write software 30 % more productive today with the goal of being 70 % more productive.

25:18Yeah. Wow. So we are not asking our clients to be the first experiment on it. We say you can leverage what we did. We are happy to bring out all our learnings, including what needs to change in the process, because the biggest change is not technology. It's getting people to accept that there's a different way to do things. To listen to the full conversation, visit ibm.com slash smarttalks.

25:48Okay, you've got a lot going on, and choosing the right probiotic might not be at the top of your to-do list. I get it. So let's make things simple. Garden of Life is the number one women's probiotic brand for a reason. It's specifically designed for women to support the immune system, vaginal health, and overall women's health. You can feel good knowing that this is the brand so many women trust for their gut health. Garden of Life transforms 16 diverse probiotic strains and 50 billion CFU to support digestive health and a flourishing gut flora. And if you're worried whether Garden of Life Women's Once Daily Probiotic is the real deal, don't, okay?

26:28They are certified non-GMO and doctor formulated for women's unique needs. To put it simply, this is an easy way to prioritize your gut health. Garden of Life Formulas for Feeling Alive, available on Amazon. Disclaimer, number one based on Circona 52-week multi-outlet unit sales ending 11-30-25. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. This is Matt Rogers from Las Culture East. That's with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. This is Bowen Yang from Las Culture East. That's with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang.

27:03Hey, so what if you could boost the Wi-Fi to one of your devices when you need it most? Because Xfinity Wi-Fi can. And what if your Wi-Fi could fix itself before there's even really a problem? Xfinity is so reliable, it does that too. What if your Wi-Fi had parental instincts? Xfinity Wi-Fi is part nanny, part ninja, protecting your kids while they're online. And finally, what if your Wi-Fi was like the smartest Wi-Fi? Yeah, it's Wi-Fi that is so smart, it makes everything work better together. Bottom line, Xfinity is smart and reliable. You deserve the peace of mind of having Wi-Fi that's got your back.

27:37Xfinity. Imagine that. When your schedule sounds like this.

27:46Are you kidding me? An oil change is the last thing you have time for. So drive into Take 5 and let our techs change your oil, check your tires, top off your fluids, and have you back on the road pit stop fast. All while you stay in your car. No putting your entire schedule on hold. No upsells, no problem. So you can get back to your to-do list. Or not. Find your nearest shop at Take5.com. Take 5. The stay in your car 10-minute oil change.

28:14do you have something that you pretend not to care about on your birthday but it's actually kind of important to you i can really relate to the timekeeping component of my goals i don't know if i used to do this when i was younger like i don't think in my 20s i was very like by 30 i need to be a published author be xyz have kids i don't know if i did it then but i certainly do it much more now. And it's less about by my birthday. I am working on a book. One of my goals forever has been to be a published author. I love the way you're smiling at me right now. I'm just owning that. Like I was sort of keeping it secret for a while, but like I want to write books.

28:50I've been working on a book and it's taken me a really long time because writing books is really hard. Can I just also add, it's taken you a long time because you were in the messy middle. And I think a great book requires some hindsight in many ways because you have to be able to see the lesson. And so I think you intuitively were waiting to sort of get out of the fog. Totally. I needed clarity. It's less that by the time I'm 33, I need to be done with my next draft. It's more like, oh, I'm turning 33 and I started this process when I was 31. What does that say about me? Instead of it saying that I'm a failure or I'm lazy or I waste time, it is saying that I am deliberate and I really care about my work and this project.

29:36and how cool that it's taken me. I've been trying to like flip the narrative about instead of thinking it would be cool to be like, oh, I wrote this book in six months, how impressive. Now actually it's gonna be impressive that I took three years or took however long it took. So it's acknowledging like, yes, I do care that I am not where I thought I would be in my career by now, but it doesn't have to be a bad thing. I can tell you as somebody who interviews authors, I'm always a little skeptical when people are like, I finished this book in three months. Like when someone's like, this book has been on my heart for eight years.

30:07I'm like, it must be amazing. Sometimes I read a book that the person says they wrote it quickly. And I'm like, damn, you're a genius. Like you're a genius. But then other times I'm like, oh, I can tell. I can tell that you didn't put much time into this. Yes. And you just wanted something published. Which is a real model that people write. Like lots of people use that model in writing books. Just pump them out. But I don't want to be a pump them out author. I was thinking about if there's anything I care about on my birthday. I have like very few expectations usually, like in life. It's like, I just don't have a lot.

30:41But when I'm dating somebody, I like a birthday gift. And it doesn't have to be a physical thing, but I like to feel like someone deliberately thought of me. And what's fraught about that, and I'm so curious your thoughts on this, is that I've had boyfriends or relationships. That one guy I dated was a really objectively bad guy. He was amazing every single birthday. Like he killed my birthday every year. He planned something fun. He gave great gifts, but like he was a bad boyfriend in hindsight. And then there are some guys who I've dated who are like awesome boyfriends who suck every birthday.

31:21Yeah. And do they specifically like suck at the gift part or the planning part, the making you feel special? Like, is it the whole thing or is the gift so linked to the feeling special? That kind of matters. It's the planning and deliberately being thought of. So like, it doesn't have to be all, it could be one or the other. It's just, I'm like, oh, you didn't think about this at all. But then it's like, to go back to your original statement, today is just a day. Today is just a day is an important way for you to think about your own things. I don't know if it's the way that other people should think about your things.

31:53Does Brian know how to plan your birthdays? It's a collaborative effort, but he definitely knows how to make me feel special. but part of the making me feel special is the like a month in advance bringing it up. So let's talk about your birthday this year. Let's plan the weekend. I don't know if I would trust him to do it completely on his own. I would completely trust Brian to like plan an incredible day, but I might not get the exact restaurant. Like he might pick the wrong restaurant, but he would pick a restaurant if that makes sense. Yes. Like I had a guy one time pick a restaurant and he like really thought he was doing something special for me.

32:28And I get to the restaurant and it's like all really fancy French food. And like, when I tell you I have the most Chicago palate of all time, like I looked at the menu and I was like, there's not one thing on here I can eat. How could you take me here? You don't know me at all. And I started to spiral and be like, you don't know me. I would feel the same way. So I avoid that by always knowing the restaurant that I'm going to. Sometimes a month in advance, I'll be like, why don't you think about it? Why don't you look? But then I always get involved. And now he like knows the restaurants that I like here.

32:58Just a couple of weeks ago for Christmas, I was feeling a little sad about not being with family. And I spiraled and complained to Brian about how we didn't plan anything special for the holiday. And am I going to regret this, that we didn't plan anything special? We didn't get to go out to dinner and I want to wear a fancy holiday outfit and blah, blah, blah. And then he made a reservation at La Dolce Vita, which is this great Italian restaurant in Beverly Hills. And he had remembered that we had been there once and I really liked it. So that was really good. Yeah, that's very sweet. He learns.

33:23You want to pick somebody that doesn't know everything, but can learn. You know, for years, Brian got me the flowers from the bodega that were blue, the ones that were dyed. You know what I'm talking about? Like in New York. And it was such a sweet thing that he would get me the flowers, but I'm like, please, why blue? He thought they were cool. He's like, look at these vibrant, colorful flowers. Okay. I want to go into some advice, learnings, thoughts about you're turning 33. I'm 35 as of today. What are you more protective of at your age now? Like I'm way more protective of my time. I used to be able to take a lot of like sort of curiosity meetings and I've been doing an unhinged thing.

34:06I need to hear. I found myself having trouble saying no, because I'm a person who loves connection. I love meeting new people. I love hearing their stories. And so if someone was like, I want you to meet my friend or this person or that person, and it started to get overwhelming. And I would have a hard time saying no. So I said to myself, Danielle, if you had two children and a husband, would you say yes to this? And I had to start pretending that I had an entire family, a three-year-old pulling on my leg and a six-year-old asking me questions about homework in order to be like, I'm sorry, I can't have lunch.

34:41That is one of the most original visualization boundary setting techniques I have simply ever heard. Where did you come up with that? Well, I was just thinking like, what are my priorities? They were starting to feel out of whack. And I was just like, I feel like some of my friends who have husbands and kids have this very clear line of like what they have time for and what they don't. And why am I not living my life like that now? I think that's genius. And I think that's going to change people's lives. I think that's absolutely genius. And I approve this message. So what are you more protective of?

35:13I think I'm more protective of who I allow in my life. I don't have the energy or the time. I think I used to be much more willing to have friends or surround myself with people who didn't make me feel good. Maybe they brought other things to the table, but I would make a lot more excuses for like just shitty behavior. Or even if it wasn't so shitty, just it didn't vibe well with me, I would leave feeling bad about myself. Now, I'm just very protective over who I let in my life, maybe sometimes to a fault, but I don't feel the faults very often. Like what I feel instead is that I have kind of a drama-free life in some ways.

35:48Where I haven't been as protective about that, though, is with work. I've been very good about that with friendships and with those types of relationships, people I work with. Not everybody feels this way, and in the type of work we do, it's a little bit different than having a corporate job where you can't decide who you work with. If I'm going to work with you, I need to like you as a friend. I'm such a relational person. I simply can't work with people who I wouldn't want to get a coffee with and talk about life. That's so hard. It's hard, but it's a non-negotiable for me. Maybe my lawyer doesn't need to be somebody that I feel that way about.

36:20I'm really good in friendship about paying attention to how people make me feel. I haven't always been as good about that in working relationships. And I would like to be as I move on in my 30s. That's interesting. Can I ask you more specific questions? Yeah. So in terms of friendship, that was like a broad stroke. Do you mean that you would have friends whose values don't align with you or who would put you down or you were just like, I simply don't feel good when I leave them? I would have some friends who maybe were really demanding. Like I'm thinking of a friend who was so demanding of me in a way that I always felt that I was never doing enough and I often felt drained and I felt like I was doing a lot of like babysitting.

37:02Like why does this relationship feel so different from every other meaningful relationship in my life? That's one type. But then if I kind of go back even further, like in college, in the friend group dynamic, college was probably the last time I was in a friend group. I've realized like I don't really love friend groups, but I do love small groups. I do think there's a distinction. Like if you invited me to dinner with two friends of yours, like I would be very happy in that environment. What I might not be happy with is if I'm one of four and we do everything together. And if Danielle and I hang out, we have to like be secretive about it.

37:34That's the kind of thing that I'm not so into anymore. But in college, in a friend group, there was always like the one girl whose mood would dictate everything. Like you just wanted to be in good favor with that person. Because if you weren't, then you knew that other people were talking about you. And I allowed myself to be a part of things like that when I was younger because I wanted the community.

38:02Hello, hello. I'm Malcolm Gladwell, host of Smart Talks with IBM. I recently spoke with IBM's new director of research, Jake Embatta. We discussed his vision for the future of quantum computing. At IBM Research, what we always do is answer what is the future of computing, whether it's coming up with new algorithms, coming up with better AI, coming up with quantum, or coming up with just how do different accelerators go together. It's our DNA to answer the question of what is the future. Isn't it a perfect problem for IBM because you kind of need to have a legacy of building stuff? Yes. Building actual physical machines.

38:42Yeah, it's why I came to IBM. I wanted the experience, the culture of building hard things that others have not done before. Mm-hmm. Where do you imagine we are in the timeline of this technology? There will come a point when it will mature, right? Yeah. My cell phone is a mature technology at this point. How far are we from that point with quantum? By 2029, we'll build the first fault-tolerant quantum computer. That is one that can run a very, very large, large problem. To learn how IBM is building the future of computing, visit ibm.com slash quantum.

39:26Okay, you've got a lot going on and choosing the right probiotic might not be at the top of your to-do list. I get it. So let's make things simple. Garden of Life is the number one women's probiotic brand for a reason. It's specifically designed for women to support the immune system, vaginal health, and overall women's health. You can feel good knowing that this is the brand so many women trust for their gut health. Garden of Life transforms 16 diverse probiotic strains and 50 billion CFU to support digestive health and a flourishing gut flora. And if you're worried whether Garden of Life Women's Once Daily Probiotic is the real deal, don't, okay?

40:07They are certified non-GMO and doctor formulated for women's unique needs. To put it simply, this is an easy way to prioritize your gut health. Garden of Life Formulas for Feeling Alive, Available on Amazon. Disclaimer, number one based on Circona 52-week multi-outlet unit sales ending 11-30-25. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. This is Matt Rogers from Las Culture East. That's with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. This is Bowen Yang from Las Culture East. That's with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang.

40:41Hey, so what if you could boost the Wi-Fi to one of your devices when you need it most? Because Xfinity Wi-Fi can. And what if your Wi-Fi could fix itself before there's even really a problem? Xfinity is so reliable, it does that too. What if your Wi-Fi had parental instincts? Xfinity Wi-Fi is part nanny, part ninja, protecting your kids while they're online. And finally, what if your Wi-Fi was like the smartest Wi-Fi? Yeah, it's Wi-Fi that is so smart, it makes everything work better together. Bottom line, Xfinity is smart and reliable. You deserve the peace of mind of having Wi-Fi that's got your back.

41:15Xfinity. Imagine that. When your schedule sounds like this.

41:24Are you kidding me? An oil change is the last thing you have time for. So drive into Take 5 and let our techs change your oil, check your tires, top off your fluids and have you back on the road pit stop fast. All while you stay in your car. No putting your entire schedule on hold. No upsells, no problem. So you can get back to your to-do list. Or not. Find your nearest shop at Take5.com. Take five, the stay in your car, 10 minute oil change.

41:52Is there anything that you've stopped chasing in your big age of 32, 33? I would really like to stop chasing caring what people think about me. Such a hard one. It's such a hard one. I know a little bit caring what people think about you is really important because we do exist in relation to other people. And I want to leave a good impact on the people I come into contact with. But I have realized over the last couple of years how much I really do care that people think I am smart and nuanced and interesting and cool and all of these things that really are like, do I think those things about myself?

42:25And I would like to just continue to really hone in on how I feel about myself. And I know I'll always care a little bit that people like me, but not care so much. I hear from people that are in their 40s and 50s and 60s that that usually rescinds with age. I can't wait. I know. I think that's a hard one to force. Yeah, you have to just kind of let it. I don't know. I think there's always things you can do to like amplify and work on things. Like even just the acknowledgement and recognition is important. What's something that you think you've left behind or that you'd like to leave behind? I was a big make it work type of person, both like relationally at work.

43:05And I think part of that was I didn't know myself as well. So I didn't know what felt right or where I fit. And I think finding like a connection to the universe helped a lot with that. And I also think financial stability helped with that. And like, I think to not just say that would be a big lie. I heard this term post-economic. I am not post-economic. I am a working gal and I need to work. But you know, on podcasts, you get a lot of advice. And on this podcast too, there's people that have sort of transcended the economic ladder or quote unquote successful. Is that what that means. Yeah. Like we asked them how they did it.

43:47And like post-economic is almost like they don't think about money as a thing in their life anymore. It's just happening. Yeah. And it comes to them or they've made it. Not that they don't have really important insight. They do. But I think it's coming from a different lens. And I'm not post-economic by any means. But I do think that finding stability in my career, finding some stability financially, also like emotionally via therapy and like really trusting my tools and myself all has allowed me to not force things because I feel like I have this like toolbox, so to speak, of things that I can pull from when I'm feeling out of control or like I don't know what's going to happen next or I don't know what I want to do or where I want to go.

44:34And I think like just having the faith that what's meant for me will not miss me. I believe that to my core. I see it with all my friends who are like nervous about love and I see how special and amazing they are. And they're like, I'm never going to meet anybody. And I'm like, oh, I just so see it for you. Like you're going to, you just have to get over this hump and you just can't see it for yourself. That's what we need friends for though. I both think that we should see it about ourselves. And I also think that we're never really meant to see it for ourselves because we're meant to be in community with other people.

45:04Oh really? That's cool. Like a balance of it. Like you do want to believe in yourself and you do want to have that self-trust. Absolutely, of course. I sometimes like to think that the reason we're a little unsure is so that there is space for a Danielle to come into your life and be the person who believes in you and to share that belief. And then in my weak moments, I can be like, well, Danielle told me that she knows it's going to work out and that she trusts that I'm on the right path. And because I trust Danielle, like I can trust that. We don't exist to just believe in ourselves. We exist to share our belief with other people and to be believed in.

45:39That belief has to come from a person that you believe though. You know, like I have friends who are like, it's going to be great. And I'm like, you don't know. And then there are friends who say like, you're going to be fine. And I believe them. It's funny. Another good friend of mine, her name is Stephanie Harrison. I've never met her partner, but I feel like I know her partner just through Stephanie. And I remember two years ago, maybe she told me that he said that he would never bet against me. He said, I would never bet against Alexandra. And that was like the greatest compliment I could receive.

46:10And even though I don't know him, I know her and I know him through her. And I hold onto that. Two years later, it's like come into my mind so many times. And the fact that I remember that, like the fact that other people's belief in us can be so meaningful just makes me think it's here for a reason. I can't believe you just said that because my dad, I have such deep respect and admiration for him. And I believe him because he's not a bullshitter. And he told me a story. He was traveling with my mom last summer and my dad will talk to every stranger. My mom chats with people in like a happy, regular way.

46:45My dad will say insane things to people and ask deeply personal questions to strangers. He doesn't do it with people he knows. He knows how to act okay. But with strangers, he's crazy. I see where you get from. Totally. And he was like, I was with your mother and I met this woman and she was telling me about her background. I don't even know what country she was from. She was studying to be a sommelier and he goes into how impressive she was. And he was like, I don't get this feeling very often, Danielle, but I was speaking to her and I said, no matter what you decide to do with your life, I would bet on you.

47:16Like I would put my chips on you. And I just got this feeling and I said it to her and I looked at him and I was like, first of all, that's like all I've ever wanted you to say to me, so thank you, but okay. But second of all, that is the greatest freaking compliment you could ever give somebody. And I couldn't figure out why. Can you deduce why that is? I think it's because it's filling. I mean, I can give you my really woo-woo answer, but it's the one that's coming to me. It's like, if we think about our heart or wherever courage comes from as this place in our chest, if it's like a puzzle, we hold some of the pieces, but then there are always pieces that need to be filled with other people because we are creatures of community.

47:53of connection. And I think when the right person comes to you with the puzzle piece saying that they would never bet against you, they believe in you, it's like those moments where we feel that piece of us becoming whole. That's really beautiful. Do you know that the Latin root of courage is heart? No. Or you just felt that? I just felt that. That's crazy. Because it's like, where do you feel things in your body? Is it from your mind? Is it from your gut? Courage comes from our heart. That's crazy. My therapist has asked me when we first started and she stopped because She could tell it wasn't resonating with me.

48:23She used to ask me in our first few sessions like where I was feeling things. And I'm like, I'm not here to fucking do that, man. But I think I maybe just did it for the first time. You know, what's funny is if I had to guess why she did that, it's because you're able to intellectualize your feelings so deeply that she's probably like get into your body. I've definitely gotten into my body over the last two years. So we're doing pretty good. Feeling those feelings big time, baby.

48:54Hello, hello. I'm Malcolm Gladwell, host of Smart Talks with IBM. I recently spoke with IBM's new director of research, Jake Embatta. We discussed his vision for the future of quantum computing. At IBM Research, what we always do is answer what is the future of computing, whether it's coming up with new algorithms, coming up with better AI, coming up with quantum, or coming up with just how do different accelerators go together. It's our DNA to answer the question of what is the future. Isn't it a perfect problem for IBM because you kind of need to have a legacy of building stuff. Yes. Building actual physical machines.

49:34Yeah, it's why I came to IBM. I wanted the experience, the culture of building hard things that others have not done before. Mm-hmm. Where do you imagine we are in the timeline of this technology? There will come a point when it will mature, right? Yeah. My cell phone is a mature technology at this point. How far are we from that point with quantum? By 2029, we'll build the first fault-tolerant quantum computer. That is one that can run a very, very large, large problem. To learn how IBM is building the future of computing, visit ibm.com slash quantum.

50:18Okay, you've got a lot going on and choosing the right probiotic might not be at the top of your to-do list. I get it. So let's make things simple. Garden of Life is the number one women's probiotic brand for a reason. It's specifically designed for women to support the immune system, vaginal health, and overall women's health. You can feel good knowing that this is the brand so many women trust for their gut health. Garden of Life transforms 16 diverse probiotic strains and 50 billion CFU to support digestive health and a flourishing gut flora. And if you're worried whether Garden of Life Women's Once Daily Probiotic is the real deal, don't, okay?

50:58They are certified non-GMO and doctor formulated for women's unique needs. To put it simply, this is an easy way to prioritize your gut health. Garden of Life Formulas for Feeling Alive, available on Amazon. Disclaimer, number one based on Circona 52-week multi-outlet unit sales ending 11-30-25. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. This is Matt Rogers from Las Culture East. That's with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. This is Bowen Yang from Las Culture East. That's with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang.

51:33Hey, so what if you could boost the Wi-Fi to one of your devices when you need it most? Because Xfinity Wi-Fi can. And what if your Wi-Fi could fix itself before there's even really a problem? Xfinity is so reliable, it does that too. What if your Wi-Fi had parental instincts? Xfinity Wi-Fi is part nanny, part ninja, protecting your kids while they're online. And finally, what if your Wi-Fi was like the smartest Wi-Fi? Yeah, it's Wi-Fi that is so smart, it makes everything work better together. Bottom line, Xfinity is smart and reliable. You deserve the peace of mind of having Wi-Fi that's got your back.

52:08Xfinity. Imagine that. When your schedule sounds like this.

52:16Are you kidding me? An oil change is the last thing you have time for. So drive into Take 5 and let our techs change your oil, check your tires, top off your fluids and have you back on the road pit stop fast. All while you stay in your car. No putting your entire schedule on hold. No upsells, no problem. So you can get back to your to-do list. Or not. Find your nearest shop at Take5.com. Take five. The stay in your car, 10 minute oil change.

52:43What feels more important to you now than it did at 23 or 25? Creating boundaries with my ambition. Whoa, that's not what I thought you were going to say. What do you mean? I think that I am a very ambitious person, but in my 20s and even in my early 30s, I saw it as just as important as my relationships and like the love I want to feel. I think I thought that achieving my potential, fulfilling my dreams was like the top and my love, you know, my relationships were here to support that maybe. I was so hungry for it and I still am really hungry for it. But I know now that the way to achieve my dreams is actually by like prioritizing my relationships with the people I love and maintaining like some sense of equilibrium with myself.

53:30And I cannot sacrifice that. I think I used to think that like success had to come at the expense of my mental health or like my well-being I don't know if I would have phrased it like that But I thought that I had to do whatever it takes whatever it takes. I will do and now I don't feel that way Remind me of this by the way when in six months or five months I call you and I sound like i'm not aligned with that remind me of that. Okay Well, i'm gonna push back and say that I probably could use more of this and I agree with you in a lot of ways But I do think that there are sacrifices involved.

54:01Oh for sure I've made and I will continue to make sacrifices. Maybe a specific example. I would sometimes, given what we do, like we don't have normal working hours. So I kind of work all the time, which is something I enjoy actually, like being able to work whenever. But sometimes there's certain types of work that I do that kind of consumes me, consumes my head and like my nervous system in a way. And let's say that I have plans with Brian, like he and I have dinner at seven o 'clock and we're going out on a date. We've planned this state this week. In the past, maybe I would like work up to that very moment doing something that kind of consumed my nervous system and my brain.

54:40And then I would have no time to disconnect. And then while I'm at dinner with my husband, like all I can think about is that thing and I'm not present. I think over the last year, I've tried to be better at like creating buffers between the things that are important to me. Sometimes that means we don't do dinner because I'm working. But if I'm going to do dinner, trying to not have everything bleed into each other, because then I'm not really happy. So I actually think that everyone can think of themselves as an athlete and the way that athletes prepare, perform, and then recover. And I realized I wasn't recovering.

55:14That's it. That's exactly it. That's the perfect way to articulate what I'm trying to say. Don't you think it applies no matter what your career is? Because it's really about whatever the stressor is in your life. Like if you're a parent and that's the thing consuming you, you have to prepare, perform, and recover. And like you have to build that in as much as possible. I think that's such a great analogy. I wasn't prioritizing recovery. I was only prioritizing execution. Me too. I actually didn't realize it till my friend Elena, who you met at my gate one day. I was like, I am just spent. And she was like, you don't recover.

55:45You go from the plane to the thing. And I was like, whoa. And you've probably been that way. That's probably how you got here. And it worked. So it's hard sometimes to grapple though with like, it worked, but it might not work anymore to get you to the next part. It got you here, but you need something different to get to the next part. Oh, that's really hard. It's really hard. What's that quote? It's like everything I've given up, I've left my claw marks in it. I've never heard that. I love that. Say it again. Everything I've let go of, I've left claw marks in. Oh, I'm internalizing that. I love that.

56:17And this is where trust comes in too, that you know yourself and you know your goals well enough to figure out the new way of being in order to get you where you want to go. And to your point, like building a family and continuing to build your incredible career will come with sacrifices. And me too, building my family and building my incredible career is going to come with sacrifices, but we get to choose what those sacrifices are and what they won't be. What do you think is something that people assume about your life that is just wildly incorrect? I am really lucky that I have a really wonderful relationship.

56:49I think that maybe people think that because I have that, other things are easy. Whoa, that's really interesting. Like she found that, which is I know something that people really want, a loving relationship. You know, I got married at 27. Brian and I have been together since I was 21. I'm going to be 33. It's been a long time. So I sort of checked that off early. And that has come with, I mean, so many blessings. I love him to death. And I couldn't have gotten, I could have gotten through. I was going to say I couldn't have gotten through some of the things I've been through without him, but that's not true.

57:19I'm glad I didn't have to, but I know that I could and God forbid be able to. I try to remind myself that sometimes like dependency on another person can be like just intense. So I try to, when I catch myself being like, I wouldn't survive without. Well, you guys have grown up together. It's hard to not feel that. Yeah. I think that maybe people would think just like things are easy for me, whether it's being confident or expressing myself or, you know, I'm very like vulnerable on the internet and on my podcast and maybe people think that's easy, but it's not. And it does come with sacrifice too.

57:51Yeah. I actually do feel like it's easy for you because it comes so naturally. I'm actually shocked to hear that. Well, it's like define easy. I think it feels natural for me to do, but the sitting with it later is not easy. Like doing what I do, which I guess in some ways is like being vulnerable and talking about feelings and really hard things, both mine and other people's. It feels natural when I'm doing it, but then I have to like live and kind of deal with the fact that I've done it. And on a weekly daily basis, I can get very in my head about that. The things we're called to do are not always easy to like deal with, you know?

58:24Yeah, I always think actually the things we're called to do oftentimes like are actually calls to heal parts of ourselves. I know that sounds very woo woo, but. No, it's so true, man. It's the reason that we're called. I met this mom at a Hello Sunshine event and her daughter is a singer. She's in high school. And she was like, I'm so nervous for my daughter to like go for it. Like it's like a one in a bajillion chance. Like, do you think that it's worthwhile? And I said, oh, it is absolutely worthwhile as long as she wants that. Because it's actually like not about the end goal, whether she becomes Christina Aguilera or not.

59:03It's about who she becomes on the way there. Like, I don't know if people know this about me, but I'm a failed pop star in high school. You're kidding me. Did I not tell you this? Do you have a good voice? No, that's part of the problem. I don't have a good voice. But you've got the rocking moves. No, I also can't dance. But I was a great dancer as a kid. I was like on dance team for years, really good. And then something happened. I don't know if someone said something to me. I got embarrassed. I literally can't dance anymore. But I used to sing and put an entire EP together in high school, had music videos in college.

59:38Oh, we got to leak those tapes. We must leak those tapes. I've tried everything to hide them, but like was on an album with Pitbull. Like I really was trying. Okay. You were onto something. You're not quite a pop star, but like you're in the public eye. You have a mic. No, but here's why I bring it up beyond embarrassing myself. I learned so much from that experience because I was like making CD covers and sending them out to radio DJs and cold messaging people. I learned entrepreneurial skills and I learned chutzpah. I learned like how to go after something you want and how to ask people and a little bit of sales and a little bit of graphic design and all this stuff that I use in my career now, it didn't matter.

1:00:21Like it was the becoming that mattered. And you know what's so cool is that you still are becoming right now. We don't even know it yet. You know, you're 35 today. we don't even know what this is. That fiddles me with so much hope. Me too. You know what? This is a perfect segue to looking ahead. So I was thinking about my word for the year. I did this on the New Year's episode that I do. And my word for the year is sovereignty. It means like power and rule and ownership over. So I want ownership over my time, my body, my voice, my choice. I want to have complete inner power and rule and not be ruled by external forces, people, ideas, anything.

1:01:07Oh, hell yeah. Hell yeah. Do you have your word for the year? No, but I like that one. Did you have like reflection questions that helped you figure this out? Yeah. You're a bad friend that you didn't do my new year's action plan. I'm just kidding. I know. No, I actually am. Is it too late? Is eight days too late? No, it's still up there. It's up there for five more days. I'm going to go look and come up with my word. I think like if I could come up with on the spot, can self-trust. I feel like I finally found my trust again in myself. What could happen if I just triple, quadruple down on my trust?

1:01:41Absolutely. I'm excited to see what happens for you. I'm excited to see what happens as you step into your sovereign power. Do you have a big goal for the year ahead? And do you have a big wish for yourself for the year ahead? I am moving across the country this year. I know. I'm so sad about that. I'm so sad too. I'm so sad too, but we'll be in each other's lives forever, even with physical distance. My wish is that I can navigate this major transition with grace for myself. Whatever challenges come up, both literal, physical, but also emotional, I want to really have that trust that it's temporary.

1:02:17There's nothing really that can throw me off my feet to the point where I can't get up again. sometimes when I'm really down in the throes of my emotion or you know something really internal or something external that I'm then having internal feelings about I can feel really scared that I'm never going to feel better and knowing that this big transition is coming I have a little anticipatory anxiety about how I'm going to feel but I want to have trust that like I'm going to be okay it's going to be okay baby I can stand right up no matter how long I feel down. I actually think you might find joy in it I think you might actually really like it I'm not just saying that I know you're going to miss LA and the weather and there are things to miss about the city, but I think you're going to find, oh, you're getting emotional.

1:02:55It's a nice thing to say. And it's nice to hear it from somebody who isn't benefiting from me moving back. No, it's to my detriment. I'm going to miss you. It's just, it means a lot. Yeah. I think you're actually going to feel a lot of congruence. If I can reflect back to you, what you said about putting your relationships first, like that's what you're doing with this move. And you're doing this more for personal reasons than professional reasons. And I actually think you're going to find a lot of happiness and peace in that. Okay. What do you hope that the year 33 brings into focus for you? Priorities.

1:03:30I feel like sometimes I'm so unsure if I'm focusing on the right thing. And I hope that this year helps me see more clearly that either, yes, I'm focusing on the right thing or gives me some more clear lanes of what to focus on, While also accepting that I am a person who loves working on lots of different things and loves kind of being pulled in a few directions and it's actually really good for my brain. But just priorities. What about you? The first thing that came to my heart was alignment. You know what's funny about that? I really relate to what you're saying about being a shapeshifter and like going into rooms and trying to be a version of myself that the other person would like and approve of.

1:04:05I kind of think though, knowing you, that those differences are probably like imperceptible to anybody else. But feeling like your authentic self is such an internal thing that the actual external differences are probably not that noticeable, but I think they're probably really meaningful to you. The difference between you not feeling like yourself and feeling like yourself might be the tiniest little levers. I think I used to be more willing to pretend. I remember a mentor of mine would be like, if you have time, scan somebody's office real quickly before you walk into a meeting and take note of the photographs on their wall.

1:04:46Do they like their kids' baseball games? What are they into? And I don't think that's bad because it's interesting. Now I do that and I ask them questions about it. 22-year-old Danielle would have been like, oh, I also love baseball. I'm a huge Cubs fan. And like, I'm not. That's a good example, though, because I think that's also just professional maturity. You're learning how to use information because it is a good skill. It's like your interview prep. It's like use your powers for good. Yeah. I'm imagining that if I could watch 23-year-old Danielle in those meetings, I wouldn't think, oh, she's being fake.

1:05:17I would think, oh, she's young. Yes, I agree with you. But it felt inauthentic to me. Okay, I have one final question for you, Alexandra. Yes. What are we here to witness for you as you enter this next year? That I'm going to figure out what I'm here to say and that I'm going to say it. You're already doing, but yes, I'm very much looking forward to that and very much looking forward to your book. Oh, thank you. Okay. You are here to witness a more expansive version of me. I have been asking questions for a long time and I will never stop asking questions. That is part of my purpose on earth is to question everything.

1:05:52but I have in the process of becoming a professional question asker sort of stifled some of my own opinions and thoughts and I'm going to set those free this year. And this podcast episode was actually a part of that because I've never talked so much on a podcast. I was going to say that I love, I haven't done that many podcasts, but I love hearing you speak and hearing your stories. And I imagine that everybody who listens to this show is going to really love that too. Thank you. I hope so. If they find it boring, they can tell me. They're an honest bunch. Alexandra, deeply, deeply love you. Thank you for spending my birthday with me.

1:06:33I love you right back. Happy birthday. I'm so honored to be here. Thank you.

1:06:42Okay. You know what time it is. Today's a good day to have a good day. I'll see you next week.

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