The Pressure to Be Everything: How Valeria Lipovetsky Created a Life That's Fully Her

0:00Danielle:This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed human. A new car is kind of like a new book. It takes you places you never thought you could go. What will you drive into the next chapter of your life? It's fun to dream about your next car, but when you're done dreaming, you need to head to cars.com. Cars.com has the tools and expert advice to help you find your dream car. Their advanced search filters allow you to explore 2 million new and used cars so that you can find the perfect car. Start your search with cars.com. Where to next? Did you hear the new episode of the Hey Jonas podcast? We are at D23, so we'll see who stops by.

0:40Danielle:The cast of Frozen stopped by. Kristen Bell, Josh Gad, and Idina Menzel. I auditioned for Frozen. What? For Kristoff. They said, okay, what are you going to be singing today? I said, I don't know. That must have been why you didn't get it. Oh, you probably won. Plus, John Stamos, Hayden Christensen from Star Wars, and more. And I guess I can share that, uh... No way. Listen to the latest episode of Hey Jonas on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On the new podcast, Solita, we share the messy reality of traveling alone as a woman. I can wait four hours for the next bus, or this random dude is offering me a ride on his motorcycle.

1:17Danielle:I chose option B. I'm Julie Pinheiro, and I travel by myself because it's a rare space where I can say yes without asking anyone else first. I'm on a mission to reclaim the word solita, trading the pity for possibility. Listen to Solita on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

1:40Danielle:I survived nine months in captivity, and I've spent my life exploring how other people survive what should have destroyed them. I'm Elizabeth Smart, and these are the Survivor Files. Every week, I'm with survivors who live through the unthinkable, abducted, stalked, controlled, and nearly silenced. These are stories about what it takes to make it out alive. Listen to The Survivor Files with Elizabeth Smart on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If your bookshelf and your For You page are equally important to your personality, welcome home. Pro Society is a weekly podcast that's part book club, part group chat for anyone who thinks Pride and Prejudice and Love Island deserve the same level of discourse.

2:26Danielle:Each week, we're connecting the dots between books, the internet, and pop culture with your favorite writers, book talk creators, and plenty of overthought opinions. Yeah, I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. Listen to Pro Society on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

2:45Danielle:No one has all the answers, but when we ask the right questions, we get a little closer. Closer to truths. Closer to each other. Even closer to ourselves. I'm journalist Danielle Robay, and each week my guests and I come together to challenge the status quo and our own ways of thinking by daring to ask, What if? Why not? And who says? So come curious, dig deep, and join the conversation. It's time to question everything.

3:23Danielle:I have always been a planner. When I went to meet Larry King for breakfast for the first time, I went with 15 questions in my head. And if I'm being honest, written down in my phone, just in case I needed to glance at them. So when Valeria Lipovetsky sat across from me and said, let's throw away all of our prepped questions. I knew this episode was going to be different. We both had our prep, but we threw out our cards. So this conversation is different than our usual interview, but hey, I figured it's summer. Who needs a roadmap? This one is unfiltered, unscripted, and we got to the real stuff quickly.

4:01Danielle:Ambition, motherhood, marriage, self-worth. We saved all the sex talk for part two, which is coming out next week. But I want to give you a little bit of Valeria's backstory. She's one of those rare people that is equally, if not more impressive in person as she is online. Valeria immigrated twice before the age of 10. She modeled professionally as a teen and became a mother at 22. And somewhere along the way, she built one of the single most impressive content businesses I have ever seen. All the while doing some deep inner work, figuring out who she actually is. I have a debilitating fear of not like using every single gift or like anything that was given to me.

4:54Danielle:So how does Valeria, one of the busiest content creators in the business. Seriously, she works with over 300 brands a year and has a global audience of over 7 million followers across YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook. Her podcast, Not Alone, has garnered over 5.5 million streams featuring guests like Miranda Kerr, Jessica Alba, and I Got To Be A Guest last week. Valeria's authentic connection with her audience shines through in everything she does, whether she's giving you an insightful fashion and beauty tip, or talking takes on innovative trends or just glimpses into her life. There's always more to the video.

5:37Danielle:And that's why I love her. She's funny and deep. I don't want to be remembered as like a stressed woman or a tired woman or, you know, someone who's always in a rush. I don't want to be remembered like that. And it's also not me. I have to tell you, I like her so much. Like we had so much fun together and I really value her opinions. We don't agree on everything and maybe that's part of what's fun, but I think she's smart and well thought out and interesting and has so much value to share with us. So today we talk about what it means to manifest something before you're even ready for it. We also get into therapy or the lack of it, ambition, self-trust, shame hangovers, what it means to be self-full versus selfish, and how to have deeper conversations without totally draining yourself.

6:25Danielle:This is part one of a two-part conversation. So next week, we're going to get more into motherhood, marriage, sex, especially married sex, because I had questions, okay? So here's the question we're circling today in part one of the conversation. What does it take to build a life that's yours? Not the one you were taught to want or the one that looks good on paper or on Instagram, but one that feels good to live inside of and one you're really excited about. It's time to question everything with Valeria Lipovetsky.

7:07Danielle:Should we start from the beginning? You went through so much in your early life. You immigrated twice. You left Russia with your mom when you were two, moved to Israel. Then you eventually went to Canada. What did your mom teach you about resilience? It was more like modeling rather than teaching. she modeled to me that anything is possible really like there's going to be a lot of shitty periods but it all works out at the end because I've seen it happen over and over and over again so I'm really kind of in this phase in my life where I'm so big into if you can see it then you believe it has like the visualization worked in your life in the past is that why it's just my analytical brain.

7:49I feel like my Virgo brain is like, I see here, I can point to it. Like it happens. It's true. You know, rather than this like fluffy fairy kind of like visualization, it's a tricky one for me because it took me a long time to learn how to manifest properly. Do you manifest? I think I've manifested most of my life, but without knowing it. But that's interesting because for me, I found that manifestation, like I was doing it wrong for a long time because I would ask for things, visualize them. But what I didn't do is I didn't check with myself if I am ready to receive it. So you can ask for things, but if you don't believe you deserve it, they ain't coming for you.

8:31Danielle:Right. If you're not living at the place where you're making decisions like that person. Right. Your hands are open. You're like, okay, I'm asking for it like calm I'm ready I wasn't ready for a lot of the things I was manifesting but sometimes I think that's the power because like if you wait until you're ready no one's ever ready like it doesn't happen you have to almost have that urgency and then maybe it doesn't happen for three years or five years or ten years but like I don't know there's something about me that likes the rushing to get somewhere and I think eventually I do so what is something you manifested that felt like so far away that happened to you?

9:08Danielle:I definitely manifested a job at E! I manifested Hello Sunshine. I knew that that was going to be the next place. Walk me through it. What is that manifestation process look like? I get these feelings and I just know that it feels right. And so I was like, I loved what Reese Witherspoon was creating and the rest of the team at Hello Sunshine, a lot of my career has been female focused. And I was like, I want to work at a female media company. And I align with so many of these values. But Hello Sunshine was a film and TV company. I'm not an actress. I was not going to be in film and TV. And so I sat with it for a little while.

9:49Danielle:And eventually I put a deck together. I love to read. So I put a deck together and pitch them a show about books. And they'd never created anything like it. They were super sweet and like listened to my whole pitch. It was during COVID. It was virtual. And my mom was in LA that weekend and she was on the couch, like sweating, nervous for me. And nothing ever happened with the show. But about a year and a half later, one of the executives emailed me and said, you know, we're thinking of starting a podcast. Will you meet with our podcast exec? and then six months later I was launching their first podcast and I think when you have those I mean Oprah calls them whispers but when you have them I think you owe it to the universe to follow that a hundred percent but you also knew that you can deliver like you pitch something that you knew that you can truly do and do it really well that's a really good point this is what I'm saying is like no it took me a while to kind of like process it and be like what am I doing wrong what's one that comes to your mind that I did wrong or that you did right that came true like did you manifest your career well if I think about little Valeria 100 % I manifested it like I think from the age of I would say 15 to around 19 I was sitting and I was like I'm going to be a political journalist where did it come from what inspired it I have no idea I always loved to write and I used to have a lot of blogs growing up anonymous blogs but I was just like I'm going to be a political journalist and I really knew that I somehow will find myself in journalism one way or another or like writing but didn't even know especially since I started moving and immigrating to different countries like how would it even look like I don't speak proper English I I don't have the grammar.

11:42Like, I don't know how to write something because I was thinking about it when I was still living in Israel. And I'm like, OK, I can do it here. And now here I am in one way or another doing journalism while whirling with dresses. This is perfect. I manifested this. You did. And you manifested your version of it, the version that fits you. Right. But back then, I didn't know as much as I know now. As you get older, we just know too much. Everything becomes harder to do. You see more challenges than opportunities. But back then at 15, I was like, yeah, political journalist, obviously.

12:17Danielle:I think a lot of us know what we want to do when we're like six years old and then the world sort of gets to us. But if you think back at like who you were and what you were doing book reports on and what you were interested in, were there any through lines for you? I was always a big reader and I always loved storytelling. Definitely. So that was always something that was part of my life, but also like playing roles. And I shared with you how one of my childhood friends reminded me the other day, she's like, do you remember when I asked you what you want to be at when you were like nine or 10 years old?

12:50And my answer was like, oh my God, I have so many options. Like I can be a dancer or a writer or a lawyer. And that is so magical because I agree with you. It's all the possibility that you see when you're those ages. It's like we need to, in a way, write it down. So we can go back to that.

13:08Danielle:But there's this through line of like authenticity. And I know that word is so overused online. I have like a high BS meter, I would call it. Do you? A hundred percent. And so I don't have that with you. Like I'm like, you are this person. You're the same person on and offline. Like there's not a separation. But I'm curious if when you started out creating content, if you felt that sort of pressure to show up as a different person and act, And if the authenticity is something you grew into or if you've always been this. I think that throughout my life, I played so many roles. Like I was trying to be so many different things in order for other people to approve of me.

13:49Or I don't know what it was. Maybe feel like valuable. I don't know. But I remember it in relationships. I remember it in friendships. I remember it at work. And it's interesting, even with my line of work, like I was modeling from the age of 15 to around 22 or so. And you show up on set, you're playing canvas. And you're like, okay, here's the role you're playing today. And so I got so used to putting all these masks that with social media, it was interesting because it started as like, okay, I'm gonna be, I guess, something close to what I think I am. But like, I don't know what it is yet. But that's, I think, what really made me excited about it, because it was my vehicle to really find out who am I?

14:33because I'm at this age where I already had two kids when I started social media. And I'm like, I can't continue playing roles because now there are no roles that are given to me to play. And I got to like figure this out. So social media was very much of like a place of what is authenticity? How do I show up as myself? But it was a little, you know, journey to figure it out because at first it was like timid me. And even watching videos now from like 2018, 2019. Oh my God, I just want to hug her. She's like so quiet and like very uncertain, which is exactly where I was. And it's beautiful to see, obviously, the evolution.

15:17You can see like, okay, she's searching for herself. When did it click though? This year.

15:23Danielle:No, it must have clicked earlier because the videos wouldn't have caught on. But my audience grew with me. So a lot of them saw themselves in me. You can tell that I'm still trying to figure it out. And I'm talking about me trying to figure it out. So it connected with other people. So it's like that authenticity was not from a place of like, this is who I am. It's like, I don't know who I am, but I'm trying. You ever have shame hangovers, though, when you share a lot? Yeah, especially with the podcast. Do you? On social media, every time I post something even slightly personal, for three days, I want to crawl in a hole.

15:57Danielle:And I'm not exaggerating. I'll call all of my friends. My mother, like, was that embarrassing? Should I take it down? Was it too much? Why? I don't know. I really like when the story is about somebody else. I'm a trained journalist. It's not about me. And so as soon as it's about me, I want to crawl into my own skin. Which is funny because I feel like with social media, it has to be about you in order to connect with other people. The only videos that people have like really shared or come up to me and said something about are the videos where I'm real and I'm honest and I'm sharing about myself.

16:32Danielle:But I'm so nervous all the time to do that. What are you nervous? Like what? Judgment? Yeah. Judgment. I think one of my childhood wounds is I've always wanted to be taken seriously. And I felt like my teachers didn't take me seriously. Like I had a big chest and I felt like people at work didn't take me seriously because I had big boobs. I remember for me at school, especially something that's always been triggering me and haunting me. Honestly, all the teachers used to say the potential is there, but she's just like not. Were you not giving it your all? No, obviously not. No, there was a lot of truth in what they were saying, but it became this like haunting phrase.

17:13And maybe that's why I'm doing so much because I'm like, there's so much potential. I got to make sure I get it all done, you know? Do you feel like you're always chasing that? Yeah. I have debilitating fear of not using every single gift or anything that was given to me. If I'm not using it, I'm like, I'm scared. I don't know what it is. Maybe because life is so short and you're like, there's so much to learn and so much to find out about myself.

17:38Danielle:If I could armchair therapy you for a second, my guess is you in some ways grew up quickly because of your upbringing. And so you understood consequences or death or grief or hard things in life more so than maybe other people your age. And then moving a lot is traumatic in itself when you're a young person. and I feel like you understand time and that it could end any second. But I also think growing up in a country like Israel where tomorrow is not promised, I think that's in general the way people live. And I've always walked around with that. You know, there were so many moments where I was like, this could be it, you know, going on a bus could be it.

18:30Someone can blow up. I grew up with that feeling. So I think that that shaped a lot of that. And it's both obviously a blessing and a curse. And I don't know, maybe it's also the effects of social media. But I also think to myself, I'm never going to be this young again.

18:44Danielle:I think about that. I think about that with like dating and love. Because I'm like, if I do something like I go for a weekend with a guy to St. Bart's, is it reckless? Maybe I should have been working. I don't know. But like when I'm going to get to do this again and feel this like love and lust and dance and drink and like have fun. Absolutely. Always go to St. Bart's. But yeah, for me, that's a phrase that's haunting me from my childhood. Do you have one from school or teachers that just in some way or another, even maybe for you right now, it's this like aha moment. Like, oh my God, it's been in the back of my mind all these years.

19:21Danielle:It's the not being taken seriously. But I actually had like such a weird moment because I interviewed somebody recently who felt it in me. And after the interview, they said, you can calm down like you did it. I hated it. I felt so naked. But I think they were right. I'm constantly chasing something. Do you feel like Gary's a mirror for you? Definitely. A mirror that sometimes I want to break because I'm like, enough with the mirroring. But that's like a big blessing for me because from the minute we met, he was like your life is going to be your art this is before i got on social media or did anything at all one of the first days that we had he was like your life will be your art and now looking back it's something that i remembered literally a couple of years ago and i sat him down i'm like do you remember when you said that and he's like yeah it's like do you understand what we've built it's literally our art and our business is my life like that's insane But he from the get go was so vocal about like, there's so much potential, and I won't let you waste it.

20:30So the ability to have somebody that is so close to you that you trust, that is always like shaking you and being like, hey, you're cutting corners, or I know that you can do more. It's really powerful for someone like me. Because to me, that's what I need. Some other people can look at it and be like, this is too much. This is demanding. But for me, that's the kind of love I wanted. Here's something I've always wondered with you guys.

20:57Danielle:Because your life and your art and your work is Valeria's life, how do you maintain a mutual two-sided relationship? How do you make sure that things are about Gary too? Or does he not require a lot? That's a great question. And I think that's something that I'm trying to find a balance with. He doesn't require a lot, but I also know that I can do better. You know what I mean? I'm naturally a selfish person. You keep saying that, but I actually don't think that you are. To me, it's like it's a good thing. It's like a medal. Like for me, when I hear a woman says that she's selfish, I applaud that.

21:41because it's so not something women feel comfortable saying.

21:47Danielle:But I don't think you make decisions. Correct me if I'm wrong. I don't think you make decisions just based on you. Like you think about Gary, you think about your kids, you think about your mom. Of course, yes. But a lot of the times I noticed in my life that when I operate from a place of like what will make me feel good, it benefits everyone else. Everyone at the end are happy. You know what I mean? It's the weirdest thing because I've experimented with that because for a long time I felt bad about it because I went to the other direction than what I saw my mom was operating. She was selfless.

22:21There was no her in the equation. Everyone else came first. And I hated that. So I went to a whole other side. And then I was like, hmm, is this a little bit wrong? But I have found that throughout my motherhood journey, because we're naturally nurturers, it really benefited myself, but also my family. That makes sense. It makes a lot of sense. But I really want to go back to this armor you're wearing. Listen, you're very good at what you do. And I asked you prior to it, I mean, you always knew that you want to be in journalism. You said you wanted to be Barbara Walters. You were asking all the questions.

22:58it's interesting to me that your goal was always to like be taken seriously is that also what made

23:05Danielle:you learn like ask questions armchair therapist that's pretty good I've never thought about that maybe that's part of it for sure I think two things did one I grew up in a very conversational family and I feel like lucky for that I would go to friends houses for dinner sometimes and like the dinner table would be sort of quiet. Like my dinner table was loud. Everyone always had something to say. We were debating topics. Like I remember I had Sunday night dinners with my grandparents always. And I would sit next to my grandfather. And at seven years old, he would be like, so what do you think about President Bush?

23:44Danielle:I wanted to be able to have an answer because I respected him so much. And so I'm grateful that they instilled that in me. I think when you ask kids questions, it gives them confidence. And then I learned when I got older because I was naturally curious and asking questions. But something happened to me that really changed my perspective. I got a dream job that ended up not being a dream job. And I quit. And I was depressed because I love what I did so much. I just didn't like doing it there. What was the dream job? How old were you? I was 24, 25, maybe 25. It was at an entertainment outlet and I was like one of the youngest people they had hired and it was a big moment.

24:28Danielle:Like huge validation to what you wanted to be. Exactly. And I felt like this is why I moved to LA and this was worth the sacrifice. I would break out into hives. I would like cry in the bathroom at lunch. I just hated it. And my mom said to me, just quit. And I was like, I have no money. I can't quit. And she was like, if you got hit by a bus tomorrow, wouldn't you be so pissed that you were in that dingy office in Burbank? Like, just quit. You'll figure it out. And I was like, you're right. So I quit and I decided to take myself to grad school because I had all this time. And I was like, okay, I'm going to watch hundreds of hours of interviewers that are doing it best, like Larry King and Robin Roberts and Bob Costas and Charlie Rose, like all the greats.