The Raw Truth About Marriage, Motherhood + Wanting More: Valeria Lipovetsky

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2:37No one has all the answers, but when we ask the right questions, we get a little closer. Closer to truths. Closer to each other. Even closer to ourselves. I'm journalist Danielle Robay, and each week my guests and I come together to challenge the status quo and our own ways of thinking by daring to ask, what if? Why not? And who says? So come curious, dig deep, and join the conversation. It's time to question everything. It took me a long time to learn how to manifest properly. I found that manifestation, like I was doing it wrong for a long time because I would ask for things, visualize them.

3:26But what I didn't do is I didn't check with myself if I am ready to receive it. So you can ask for things, but if you don't believe you deserve it, they ain't coming for you. That was from last week when you heard part one of my conversation with Valeria Lipovetsky. And if you haven't listened yet, I'd recommend going back because we threw out all of our question cards. We sat down face to face and talked about everything from manifesting the life you want before you're ready for it, to the childhood wounds that shaped our ambition, to why authenticity online isn't about having all the answers, but being honest about the search.

4:05And if you are new to the episode this week, I want to catch everyone up. Valeria is a creator, entrepreneur, and former model who built a multi-platform empire. I'm talking over 7 million followers while raising three boys and discovering who she is outside of the roles of wife, mother, and influencer. She's thoughtful and hilarious. And as you're about to hear, she's unafraid to say the things that most people keep inside. So today in part two of our conversation, we're going even deeper. We're talking about the impossible trade-offs women make when they're building something they care about and how guilt sneaks in even when you love the life you're creating.

4:49We talk about timeliness, egg freezing, reparenting yourself through motherhood, and the quiet courage it takes to say, I want more. We also had a really interesting conversation about marriage. She's been married to her husband, Gary, who is a character in many of her videos. And they met when she was very young and have built something pretty special together. This is before I got on social media or did anything at all. He said your life is going to be your art. Literally one of the first dates that we had when we talked about things that I want to do. He was very poet. He was like, your life will be your art.

5:30And now looking back, it's something that I remember literally a couple of years ago and I sat him down and I'm like, do you remember when you said that? And he's like, yeah. Do you understand what we've built? It's literally our art and our business is my life. She also talks about what changes when your kids grow up, what no one tells you about sex after babies and why some women, including me, are terrified to lose that romantic, can't get enough feeling. Like when I was at dinner with women who said they didn't want to have sex with their husbands. Okay, we get into that. Well, they're not allowed to say stuff like that if there's a non-married woman at the table.

6:05There's like a rule. They broke the rule. They broke the rule. They go to jail. There is a phase in marriage, especially when the kids are little. Okay, I'm jumping back in because the best parts are in this episode and I love that Valeria does not sugarcoat one bit of it. Well, she does offer hope. We laugh a lot, we open up, and we even pulled a card from the Question Everything card deck because of course. So if you've ever found yourself stuck between the life you built and the life you're still dreaming of, the one that's on your vision board, this one is for you. It's time to question everything with Valeria Lipovetsky, part two.

6:48Okay. So I think a lot of people look at your life and think it looks really shiny and bright, which I'm sure it is, but there's definitely sacrifices and struggles that people don't see. What's the first thing that comes to your mind? I don't think it's unique to me. I think every woman that picks up any project or passion or fully actualizes herself feels this guilt that I should be somewhere else or like with the kids or at home. And I'm getting comments all the time. I even had a video recently that Gary took a video of me. I'm walking in and he's like, you're walking in with a mission. And I'm like, I have FOMO.

7:25Like this week, there were all these things that I wanted to be part of, but I couldn't because I had to work. But I also wasn't at home with my kids and my husband. And it's like, I want to be everywhere and do everything. And he's like, it's OK. This too shall pass. And one of the comments was of this like older lady, which I understand. She's like, you know, really savor these years with the kids because they're going to grow up. And like, I get it. Yes. But also I'm never going to be this age again. You know what I mean? Like it's this, I don't know. It feels like you're always sacrificing something.

7:57It's either you or what you want, or it's either the time with the family, something else like work. Like there's always something. Do you feel like when you say yes or no to things, there's like an immediate hell yes or hell no for you? I'm learning how to recognize them better. I don't know if we ever get it right in life. If there's a woman out there who's figured that out, I would love to know. She's lying. Maybe. I'm telling you, I don't think you ever get there. Do you have it figured out or like close to? No, I'm really working on this because I love people. I'm in the business of people.

8:33And so I can find somebody interesting anywhere I go. That's actually amazing. How do you get to care, though? Do you always care? Yeah, I care since I was a little kid. I just want to hear people's stories. It's the way that you're so good at the share. I'm not. You know what? I think that I'm playing a role. I think that I do love people. And I think that I do love stories. I don't know why I said that. I do like people. But I keep saying yes to other people and no to myself. Because there's only a certain amount of time in the day. So people that listen to the pod are going to laugh because they've heard me talk about this for like four years.

9:07I have not figured it out. Something's going to happen. Hopefully I'll have a baby. And then it'll make me choose them at least. No, but you still will go back to having experiences where you have to choose yourself. A hundred percent. I will try to figure this out before you have the baby. I'm trying to figure out as much as I can because I feel like once you have a kid, you're just like reparenting yourself all the time. You'll do that anyways. I have to say the biggest thing, like a lot of people talk about how amazing it is to have children because there's obviously you love them so much and all of that.

9:37Yes. But I think that the most beautiful aspect of becoming a parent is that you are seeing your inner child so clearly when you have your own kid. And they are the greatest teachers to everything that you need to attend to. They really shine light on everything. Is there a lesson that your kids have taught you that adults never could? Well, each of them taught me different things. I mean, my eldest, he has so much confidence and he moves in the world like he owns it. Like I never had that as a kid. I don't know even how it feels like. There was this one incident where it was a big school function and it was actually honoring like someone that the school lost.

10:23My son did not know that person. There was no interaction there. And he decided to go on stage in front of like 300 people and make a speech about this person. and I couldn't even control myself. I literally went under the table because my inner child was like screaming. I could never. And I was holding, I was like squeezing Gary's leg. I'm like, oh my, what is he doing? I've never experienced that in my life. And how did he do? He did amazing. Like he made such a beautiful speech. He was so thoughtful, so beautiful, you know, for his age. Like everybody came up to us after and we're like, wow, this is amazing.

11:01and I don't know what happened. It was like took over me physically. So he really taught me the art of really owning who you are and I'm still learning. Like I'm watching him and learning. And this idea of just like, they don't like me, yeah, whatever. Like, I don't care. I don't know if it's a show or not, but I'm like inspired. My middle one, he's more of like the asking questions. Like he's very philosophical. So the questions that he asks always inspire me to dig deeper. Is the middle one the one you did the podcast with? I did it with two of them, the eldest and the middle one. But Benjamin is like, it's not his first time here.

11:35This kid just knows, you know, he's very like insightful. And then my little guy is just so joyful. And that's the theme of this year for me, joy. That was my word this year. Really? Mine too. Wait, why was it your word? The honest answer is there was a guy that I had dated a little bit. And he was like, you're so intentional and thoughtful and strategic. Like, what would it be like to just throw it all to the wind? And I thought, I've never even considered that. What does that even mean? To not center work and thinking about strategy and how do I get to a certain place in my career and just follow the joy.

12:25And I love it. It's actually really been working for me. So move from joy, okay? I'm trying to move with what feels good, not what I think I should do. I think that's beautiful, though. I feel like for me, joy came out actually from observing other people. And I'm like, oh, it showed me that I'm not fully leaning into joy in my life. I'm not fully like in there, you know? I feel a little bit. I feel like 50%, 60%, but I'm always like in control. Trauma response, maybe. but it's also i don't know it's kind of scary to move with purely joy it is but it's also kind of freeing have you experienced it did you have an experience where you're like that was i moved from joy here i did actually you know what you'll be surprised the fact that your word was joy my word was joy you'll be surprised how many people words was joy this year that's always the case i told you we don't have unique experiences it's all the same so for me i observed other people doing it and i was like okay i need to do that more and because they modeled it i now know how it looks like that to me is one of the greatest gifts of womanhood observing yeah because when you see a woman living in a way that you admire it took a lot of sacrifices and hardship and discovery for her to get there and it's almost like she's giving you a cheat code you're like seeing it and you're like, I could do that.

13:50I don't know how, but that looks good. Yeah, it takes a lot of courage. I've been really loving thinking about the amount of courage it requires to fully figure yourself out and kind of do the rounds and come to this self-actualization. You know what I mean? Courage is a big word for me. Why? Because it takes a lot to stand up and say, I'm stuck, or I don't like the way I live or there's more for me to find out. And then the courage to make the changes and to take the action. And then the courage to stick to it, to the boundaries and the new rules that you made. The courage to stand up to the norms that are not your norms anymore.

14:33Like courage is throughout that whole cycle. That's a big word. I think that for me, we don't mention that word enough with women. Let's talk about timelines because you've been sharing your experience of you decided to freeze your eggs. You already did it. Was it like a big conversation on your podcast or social? You shared the journey. I shared the whole thing. And that was actually one of the first times I've ever been really vulnerable on the internet. And I felt like I had the courage to be vulnerable because it didn't feel like it was about me. It felt like I was trying to demystify something that I felt at the time women weren't really talking about.

15:08And so I did like a docu-style thing and I shared my stomach distended, the needles, all my feelings the whole thing and then I did a podcast with the people the doctor who did it with me because there's not a lot of information around it it's not been around as long as IVF so there's a lot more studies that have been done with IVF and just for clarity IVF is when you take the egg and then the man's sperm and make an embryo when you freeze your eggs it's just the egg it's the first half of IVF and the eggs are more fragile they're harder to de-thaw you don't have as great of a success rate when you de-thaw them.

15:45So you need more eggs. Was that a big decision for you to make? Yeah, it was huge. I'm a really holistic person. Like I try not even to take Advil if I don't have to. And so the idea of putting hormones in my body terrified me. And I'm glad I did it. I got 15 eggs, 12 that were genetically healthy, which is not really enough. I should have done another round to get 20 eggs. I just could not imagine doing it again. Yeah, I heard it's a really hard one. It was tough. The six months after were harder for me actually than the actual process. Because you have to rebalance your hormones. Yeah, I didn't even recognize it because I treat my body like a machine and I'm just like, let's get to it.

16:24But in hindsight, like I was overly emotional. I think for six months I was bloated. I didn't fit into my jeans the same way. Like it was just a lot of discomfort. But I'm glad I did it. And I never felt more proud of my body, which was cool. And I think you feel proud regardless of the outcome. You had the courage to try something. What made you do it? Because you're only 34 now. So when did you do it? 32. So what made you do it? I really want kids. I do not want to miss that opportunity in my life. And I didn't have a partner. I still don't have a partner. And I was like, I don't know how long I'm not going to have a partner.

17:03What if I never find a partner? Why would you think that? I think I will. But you never know. But I feel like also that pressure of the timeline. I constantly feel like I'm running out of time because of it. I wake up sometimes like ready for my day. Like I'm running out of time. I have to go have kids. That's kind of crazy. So many people don't realize that this clock ticking is so loud in your body and in your head as you get older. Like men don't have to think about it. The clock ticking is so loud. Because you had kids so young. Do you feel like the clock is ticking in other ways? Or no? No.

17:38And you know what? When people ask me about how it is to be a young mom, there's obviously cons to it as well. But I have to say the advantage is the fact that it's done. And I'm still young and I can raise them and I can live my life. But on the other side, because I also had them so young when they were little, like I don't remember a lot of the first couple of years because I was in such a daze. I was a child myself in a way, you know, so I feel like when you're older, you're present. You can really appreciate the experience. I wasn't as present. Did you feel that with your third more? even the birth the birth with the third was so different because with my first when they pulled him out and they put him on me I didn't have this like maternal instinct kicking out of me I was just like what am I doing now second was a little bit better but the third was just an out-of-body experience where it was just like him and I even Gary still is mad at me because he's like you didn't let me into that experience.

18:42He was beside me. I was 28. But it was such a like moment of just me and Maxie. And he like did not have room in there. I feel so sad for him because he really wanted to be part of it. But you're full of self. But I'm full of self and that child that came out of me. And there wasn't enough room for everybody. But I think that was kind of the birth that helped me be at peace with the other two where I didn't feel it. I'm happy that I had a complete different experience. But that was my third. So I think that older moms really like immerse themselves in that experience. My good friend from growing up just had a kid at 38.

19:23She's turning 39, was her first child. And she's so calm. And I'm like, how are you so calm? I'm more nervous than she is. But I do think some of that is her age. Yeah, the age really brings you down. Like you don't think about stupid stuff. You know, you kind of really focus on what matters. I was thinking about a lot of stupid stuff. That's kind of the minus of it. But I can only imagine and like really sympathize with this idea of like, I need to do all of this. I need to build my career and I need to find a partner and I need to get married. That's a lot. Well, what's hard to I think for women is a lot of times when you hit that stride in your career, because it takes time.

20:02If you're building, unless you get like super fortunate, it doesn't happen overnight. So I'd say I'd probably hit a stride last year for the first time. I was 33. And like, that's peak parenting age, you know? And so a lot of times I think those two things collide. It's the one part of feminism that I think we're still trying to figure out. It's really hard. That's really hard. But I think you're doing a great job. And freezing the eggs is a great move to kind of reclaim some of that time. I feel that way. I do think it took a little bit of the pressure off. It's almost like buying insurance. Do you think being a boy mom shaved you?

20:40Yeah. I honestly, I think I would mess a girl up if I had a daughter. I would be so scared. I think you might have another baby. Why do you say that? I just have this feeling and I think it's going to be a girl. I'm on record. I don't think so because I just got used to this. Like I'm in a honeymoon stage with my kids. And yes, I see them growing and I'm like, but I also just really believe there's like season for everything in life. And you can't be greedy. I don't think I'll do well with a baby now. You're in career mode. I'm in career mode. I'm in like, I really want to prioritize my marriage, you know, and now we have the space to without like feeling someone is abandoned.

21:23you know so I want to like get into that phase in our lives I'm going to ask you the most personal thing you can totally tell me to buzz off okay so I was at dinner with some of my camp friends I used to go to overnight camp which your kids are about to do and there was probably eight women there ages I was the youngest so 34 to 44 maybe even 48 and somebody made a joke like who wants to have sex with their husbands. And they all laughed and were like, yeah, who wants to have sex with their husbands? And I was like, no one. I always think about when you are not married or don't have kids and you are in that like group of people that have kids and are married.

22:06They're not allowed to say stuff like that if there's a non-married woman at the table. There's like a rule. They broke the rule. I still think about it. I'm like, so should I just be having all of the good stuff now? I mean, yes, but also there is a phase in marriage, especially when the kids are little. Listen to me. You really learn like all the things that you dislike about your partner when the kids are little because they really amplify not only that you're sleep deprived, you're also stressed, especially if it's your first. And you're figuring out this whole parenting thing. And there's just so many things at play and not even take into consideration where you're at with your career or anything else there's just so many factors that are really there like to test the kind of bond that you have so those years are kind of interesting and you also don't feel good you don't feel like yourself and it's difficult to like get back to that feel but the reason why i'm saying like at this point in my life i want to prioritize my marriage is that we're past that phase and there's so much to like explore and do.

23:14And we're like different people than we were when we had kids or when the kids were five and six, like we're different people, especially Gary and I were very active and we're developing ourselves together and apart. So if you don't like remember that and go back to that, that it's like, Hey, I need to now, you know, go back to this and prioritize this. Then yeah. Then you're like, I just don't want to feel that. I know this may sound strange, but every guy I've ever seriously dated, there will be a moment where I'm on the couch and like I have to go to the grocery store. Somebody has to go get food.

23:45And I'm like, no, don't go. Like, I don't want to be apart from you. But that's still there. And that's what I'm hoping is not lost. No, I don't think it's lost when you are connected with your partner. A hundred percent. It just looks different than the way it is when you just first start dating. But it's also you have to participate. I don't know. I think that there's a lot. We talked about it with Gary. I'm like, I feel like it's our renaissance now because the kids are older and they're going to go to sleepaway camp. It's fun. It's nice. It's like discovering each other again, you know, because you'll be surprised throughout the marriage.

24:20There are times where you feel like roommates because you are taking care of everything else. So you have a rule. You don't talk about it in front of unmarried women. Yes. It's the same thing with birth. I have like girlfriends that are like giving birth. I'm not going to talk about negative birth experiences. Like you don't know. But sometimes they should know, no? No, because you amplify everything. Like you were sitting there being like, what do you mean? I'm not going to have sex with my husband. You know what I mean? But they're not giving you like contacts and they're not giving you the complexity of it all.

24:53And the seasons, like there's so much there. That's very wise. Is it ever hard putting your marriage out into the public? because I see some of the comments when you talk about Gary or have videos and the two of you are very honest. I respect it a lot. Too honest for America, especially Gary. Oh my God. Gary triggers people. Gary triggers women. And I understand because he has a way in the way he speaks and carries himself. Also with his age, it's just like he knows who he is. He's unapologetic about it. and that's it. But the way he speaks sometimes, it sounds like facts. So for people, especially these days where everything is like a question mark at the end, it's hard.

25:34That's interesting. I do think that's what it is. A hundred percent. I'm telling you, I've been sitting dissecting it for years now. Does it ever affect your actual relationship? No, I think that it benefited our relationship because there are certain things where I was like, oh, that's so interesting. You know what? Yeah, that is a bit. I wonder if he ever like looked at the way he responds to certain things and I bring it to him and I'm like, just, you know, see if that's something that you like about yourself or don't like about yourself and do whatever you need to do with it. I never want to change him.

26:06That's to me is like the number one thing that I've seen my mother fighting an uphill battle, trying to change her partners. So I never wanted to change Gary, but as much as he brings things to me to show my potential, I bring things to him. And I feel like a lot of people because I believe that everyone is a mirror through a lot of conversations. I was like, hey, this is an interesting point, you know, and he did take some of those to consideration. I did notice that his communication changed a little bit, but otherwise he's like, I loved him when he was just very direct, rugged and unapologetic.

26:43So I don't want that to change. Well, you were also used to direct communication. Like it sounds like your mom's direct. Yeah, I appreciate that. I feel like it saves a lot of time. I also don't need things to sound a certain way in order for me to understand the message. Does that make sense? Yes. I think that right now, at this time and age, we're focusing a lot on delivery and less about the message. And I personally value more the message and what you're trying to teach me or show me than the other nuances. Yeah, again, I think that's pretty wise. So I'm not triggered by those things, but I understand how others are.