Millennials Love Mommy’s Money, with Jared Freid

0:00An all-new season of the Hulu Original Series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, is now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney+. Four years ago, we were just making TikToks. But it feels like there are no friendships left in MomTalk. You act like you're better than everyone, you're not. I can't trust anyone in this group. She's just dead to me. There's so much the public doesn't know. Watch the new season of the Hulu Original Series, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney+. For bundle subscribers, terms apply. I'm just imagining dying at Burning Man. You're in a stupid top hat.

0:35Diplo is doing DJing. You're 60 years old. You made a stupid software company. You think you're important. Your girlfriend left you. And now you're dying in a fucking trailer like a meth head. That's what's sad.

0:49Welcome to Second Thought, your place for hot takes on popular culture and a healthy dose of unpopular culture. Those stories that simply aren't getting enough attention that we think you should know about. I'm Suzy Weiss here with Dan Adut and the very funny Jared Freed is in studio with us today. Jared, thank you so much for being here. It's a pleasure. Thank you for having me. I'm proud to be here. Beautiful space. Isn't it great? I want to let people know I was late. I don't like to do a podcast. I want to say anything. I don't want to like sit here and have my hot takes. You know, you should know my hot takes come with a side of he was late.

1:22He screwed up. His tail is between his freaking legs. Yeah, so like I just don't like because I'm someone who just goes and I spout out and I give my opinion and I don't want people to think just because you give your opinion it doesn't mean that you have haunting thoughts that tell you how wrong and stupid you are. Oh my God. I think that's like a fair I think that's in this world of like someone on their camera you got to do it this way and this person's an idiot. No, no, no. Every opinion just know mixed in there is a lot of shame and doubt. Okay guys. In the spirit of honesty everyone close their eyes.

1:52Raise your hand if you're on the family plan. Open your eyes. Look at that. You know why I'm better than all you assholes? I pay for the fucking family plan. Did your dad lose his job? I pay for my parents. I pay for my brother. Really? Why do you do that? Well, my brother is supposed to pay me, and he has just never done the numbers. Your brother's in big commercials, national commercials. He's an asshole. He's an asshole. Him and I did a pilot together. Really? Yeah. Dave? Yeah. Yeah. So I did a pilot with him that was like, I think it was like a reality type of show. Oh, that's so funny. And a very good guy.

2:30Dan's more successful brother, Dave. He loves talking about that on air. No, and he doesn't pay the phone bill. That's crazy. He doesn't pay the phone bill. Why do you run? I see him in like T-Mobile commercials. Yeah, he's on commercials. He's on T-Mobile commercials. No, it's a lazy younger brother thing. And it's like we were all supposed to sort out the numbers and no one ever did it. And now it's like. Just charge them. I've been paying for the phone bill for two years and no one's paid me for it. How much is it? A month? I don't even want to look. I'm so scared. Oh my God. That's why it's one of those relatable things.

2:59You're like, you don't want to look. You don't even know. I don't know. It's just a monthly bill that you kind of have to deal with. If it was$10 ,000 a month, you'd pay it. You'd pay it. For someone else? For yourself. You need the phone. You can't not have it. So whatever the number is doesn't matter. I've always thought that we are so attached to our phones and we're so at the whim of Apple Corporation. they could change the clock by one minute every day and day would become night and night would become day and we'd all be like, I guess that's what time it is now. That's how in control Apple is of this whole operation.

3:35Tomorrow, Papa Apple could be like, new charger. And now, give me your money. Give it to me. Now, that's how much they have us by the metaphorical balls. Yes, absolutely. They absolutely do. Well, for those who don't know, and I don't know where you've been, Jared Freed has a new Netflix special. It's called - So funny. the family plan thank you it's called the family plan and it's so great thank you i i i'm i'm i'm proud of it it's a it's a one-hour story about being uh going to the beach with my parents and in 2018 my dad asked me how much i weighed at the beach and i took that one minute story and turned it into a whole special about my relation with my parents and my body and being on the family plan and how being an adult son being an adult son that's that's a good way to put it um and it's It was a pleasure to do and to see it on Netflix and have people watch it with their parents or their families.

4:26It's the coolest thing. I'm pretty happy with it. It's so great. And I was telling Susie before that to me it felt like sort of a hybrid between a stand-up special and a one-man show. Yeah. But done so well and so dense. It's so dense with jokes. Thank you so much. It was really, really well done. Yeah. I commend you. I appreciate that. You know, one man show, you know, a stand up would say that people do one man shows so that they don't have to be funny. Right. Yeah. You know, you can't do your one man show in 15 minute sets at the cellar. I did this in 15 minute sets at the comedy cellar. So like it was it's important to me to be a stand up.

5:02That's who I am. You know, like I consider that like a religion, like being Jewish, you know, so I. Jeff Ross said. Yeah, it does. Yeah. So I have a thing in common with comics that I have in common with Jewish people. It's just very similar. Neuroses. neuroses just vibe body stuff usually afraid of flying for whatever reason yeah we do have a story about that yeah so we're gonna get into that but before we do i am curious what it's like being on vacation with the freeds oh it's annoying you go on vacation with your parents too i do go on vacation with the parents and and it always feels like it's gonna be a great idea and then you're there and you're like why am i still doing this right i i think i just went on a golf vacation with my family last weekend.

5:43Where'd you go? Lake Geneva, Wisconsin. And we went to the Grand Geneva, which is like a golf resort, I would call it. My parents love to play golf. I've gotten into golf. My brother plays golf. He's gotten his wife into golf. My girlfriend is starting to play. Wow. So there were six of us. Was she on the family trip? She came. Hello. That's right. New special. Huge. I mean, it's funny because it's a new dynamic that now I have to figure out how to win. and I think that's the key to having a happy life with your parents as an adult is to make sure you take away variables that will make you miserable you know and I think that's like the hard part you have to go my parents are not good in this scenario take it away don't put it you know like this resort the golf resort was far away from the town I would never do that with my parents again you got to be walking distance to everything because you need to skate right you need the beach you need to be able to be on your own schedule you can't have to depend on them for your schedule so these are things i'm learning this is a work in progress yeah uh i will say for me it's like i am not kosher they are kosher and they like i'm in the closet about having pork and shellfish right so anytime i want to have pork and shellfish i'll tell the guy like take get this appetizer put it at the bar come on i swear and i'll like pretend like i'm in the bathroom and I'll like grab the plate and like stand by the bathroom.

7:09Like a crackhead. Like a crackhead and have the calamari. For octopus. That's so funny. And then come back. And then every fucking, anytime I have more than one drink, my mom is like, you really think it's going to feel better to have more? Yeah, we need to talk about it. We need to talk about the drinking. That's a classic. That's the story of my life. My dad used to pay us not to order soda. Not to order soda? Yeah, he would give us a dollar because it was so expensive and it's like, learn not to do that. We had a thing with soda with drinks where I think one of my brother and I, we used a straw and we leaned on it and it made the drink spill.

7:43So he had a no straw policy. So literally the drinks would come to the table. You'd see four waters, four straws, everyone on our table. Now it's become this trained thing. Muscle memory, just take the straw, put it on the table. No one drinks from a straw. Interesting. Talk about trauma working all ways. Like these little indents in your brain that you can't get rid of. We don't do straws. You do look kind of stupid drinking from a straw as an adult. Yeah, men with straws is just not going to be like a good long game item. He was looking out for you. Yeah, well, he even now, he's like, come on, you want to be a guy with a straw?

8:19With a straw, yeah. It's like you need your baba. Right. You're drinking from your baba. Don't do that. My dad shamed me the other day because I opened my mail with my hand. He's like, you don't use a knife? A knife? Right. Like you don't use like an envelope opener thing? This is like have a little class. This is the right. This is the problem with parents. And this is like kind of the the where the special comes from. Parents are always 10 percent right. You know, there's always. And it's like what he's saying, like you would be better off having a knife to open up your mail. And if you had a nice one, yeah, it would look a little bit classier.

8:55Yeah. Are you a worse person for doing it differently? No. Are you getting the mail open? Did you get to your goal? Of course you did. He can go fuck himself. Yeah. You've got to choose the hills that you're going to die on as parents. But boomers like to die on all of them. Well, they're comically confident and unaware. And that's like, I envy them for that. I wish that my, you know, millennials just have horrible timing. You know, we had great childhoods, bad timing. So like, if you look at like how the market worked out for them and how housing worked out for them. For the boomer. For the boomer.

9:26That kind of works into how your personality is. Why would anything go wrong? Everything's gone right. Right. Why would anything be different than how I say it? I've been right every single time. And what this gets confused with, because I've done interviews where I see the comments, which I shouldn't even look at, but the boomers are very sensitive. They have never heard feedback because they've never had to hear feedback. It's been win, win, win. Well, there is also the boomer trope of like, you know, dad, that really hurt me. Sorry, I'm the worst dad ever. Take me to jail. Where's the handcuffs?

9:59Sorry for paying for college. Totally. Straight to victim. Straight ass. And I say in the special, my mom goes straight to victim. And again, the reason I get so frustrated with this conversation is like, if you watch the special, there's nothing but love there. Like, I love my parents. I love hanging out with them. You love them too much. I think they're crazy and they're funny to me. Like, I don't find any of this, this is angering, but I don't find it not funny. You know, so I don't know. I get frustrated because I'm like the specials out. I'm proud of it. I want everyone to watch it. When people brought their parents, just watching someone like shaking their dad, being like, he's talking about you, you fucking idiot.

10:41I love that because that's my relation with my dad. Like I would be like, you know, needling him. Like I think that's a normal family. No family is perfect. No family is happy 100 % of the time. You're lucky if you guys get to go to dinner together. Like that's like, I think that's one of those things that I feel very lucky that my brother, my dad, and I, and my mom, we all have very similar sensibilities. And we get to, even though we have these fights, even though my dad has asked me how much I weigh at the beach, we still enjoy each other company and come back for more. So that is not to be hokey about it.

11:13But again, sometimes I see the anger that's out there for the generational conversations. And I'm like, I don't really get that. Yeah. And a lot of people going, no contact. Yeah. No contact. I think that's like a loser. Like, I think like if you go no contact with your parents outside of abuse and the things that could be really hot buttons, the things that could be held against me to make me sound like an asshole, like which I don't. If you want to do that, I guess I'm leaving you up. I'm leaving myself open for a punch to the face. But like if you're no contact over trivial things because they annoy you, like I don't know.

11:48But I don't even know that person exists. I've never met that person. Really? I've heard of no contact. I've just never met the person who's like no contact. And I met them and I was like, really? You can't just call them and just get them to shut up with one call? I do feel like the word boundaries has been weaponized. That's true. And people are just like, well, I'm just setting a boundary. And you have to respect that. It's like, oh, so we're not talking anymore? Right, that's the boundary I'm setting. My therapist informed me we should get in a huge fight. And I should bring up things that happened 25 years ago.

12:18Speaking of happy families, are we ready to get into some stories? Let's do it. The Windsor family, maybe the most unhappy of them all. Six years after swearing off their royal duties, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are returning to the UK. This week, King Charles weighed in on the move for the first time when he issued a letter prohibiting them from using their royal titles and labeling them private citizens with commercial and charitable interests. Megxit, our national nightmare is over. Did you have thoughts on Megxit? Or Megturn? First of all, it was completely crazy that she was like, they were so concerned of what color the baby was going to be.

12:58Right, that's just a grandparent. Bro, we have interracial families in my family, and that's all everyone thought about. That's what they thought about. We're like, who's going to win the color war? It's kind of fun. She's like, how dare they? The thing about the royals living in Montecito, if you can't make it in Montecito, you can't make it anywhere. because to get to Montecito, you need$100 million. Like, if you can't hack it from Montecito, it's not going to work for you anywhere. Right. It's so funny. Meghan Markle, who is like this lightning rod for opinions, for whatever reason, she really just like, and Page Six loves Meghan Markle's stories.

13:37Like, they will play one every hour if they could. It is so interesting to me how much they want to be liked and how bad they are at being likable. Because all they would have to say, all they would have to say, and everyone in the world would love them, is we just couldn't hack it in America. Like if they took one humble moment, right, if they were just like, you know, he's a prince and he doesn't really know how to work. And I was on suits and I got a little bit too much credit. I got a little big for my bitches. And you know what? This is really humbling. And, you know, we're going to go back home and be near the parents because they can help with the kids and we'll have access to the royal maids and butlers.

14:23And we kind of need that. We kind of realize we kind of need that. If they said that, we would like, the world would stop to go, Amazing. I will buy your lifestyle brand, Megan. Yeah. Because - Jelly, she's selling jelly. Whatever the jelly, the jam, the plates. Because she was so, she wanted to be Martha Stewart. Right. And Martha Stewart, honestly, is the least relatable person in the world. A former model who now cooks better than you. She's also the hardest working person in the world. Well, that's the thing. You go, but she has this attitude that you go, she just has an understanding of the temperature of the room.

15:00Meghan and Harry seem to have no understanding of the temperature of the room because failure is relatable. Sure. And it's like, how do, like I'm sitting at home, a failure myself, giving them advice on how they could. Fail. Fail. They could, they're quitting. There's nothing wrong with quitting. Quitting's great. Quitting is so relatable. Instead, they're saying like, well, he's like, my dad has cancer and we want to be with him. And then the dad right away is like, um, we don't need you, bro. Right. You're not a royal. Don't use the talent. You're a private citizen. You're a private citizen with commercial and charitable interests.

15:34Right. It's like the royal family version of Kendrick saying they not like us. Yeah. Like that is their shit talking. It's crazy. It's really funny too. It's just like, you know, there's never been an easier time to make money as a person with a brand. Right. Like all they had to do was literally like puts one thing on Instagram. Post three times. Yeah, post three times a day. Get a schedule going. Right. They could have posted one thing a month and then done one interview. She could have done one interview. You know, she does that thing with Mindy Kaling and you're like, oh, yeah. She's like, it's weird.

16:06And she corrects her on her title. Oh, yeah. She's like, it's so funny. you call me Meghan Markle. She had editing privileges. Lasers into the eyes. She had editing. She's literally the producer of that show and she's like, yeah, keep in the part where I correct the woman everyone loves on how to say my titles. That's crazy. It's gone the full circle with me where I respect it. Right, there's a delusion. That would be the argument. If you're going to be in the court of public opinion and defend her, hey, come on. She's so delusional. But yeah, he's back. He's a prince with no job. He's the fresh prince of Essex.

16:45He's going to move to the Cotswolds. They're going to hang out with Ellen. And I mean, that's a wrap on Harry and Meghan. We loved having you. Every summer, I rediscover that my body's preferred sleeping temperature is that of an industrial freezer. Anyone else? I was sick of flipping my pillow every five minutes. So I finally switched out my whole sleep situation for Cozy Earth. And I really don't know what I was waiting for. The rib knit pajama set is incredible. It's best worn after a full day of sweating in muggy New York City to feel instantly refreshed. These PJs are made from viscose and bamboo and are genuinely breathable.

17:15Cozy Earth stands by everything they make. There's a lifetime warranty and 30 days of hassle-free returns if something's not right. Head to CozyEarth.com and use my code SUZY, that's S-U-Z-Y, for an exclusive 20 % off. That's code SUZY for an exclusive 20 % off. And if you see a post-purchase survey, mention that you heard about Cozy Earth right here. This week marks the end of Nevada's annual Burning Man Festival, which is a time for joy, drugs, and self-expression. But this year it ended in tragedy with three attendees dying. Usually it's like one a year, but this year three died. And this goes along with the fact that the average age is older, like Burning Man is aging.

17:54It's now like kind of like, I think it's more of a Gen X thing actually. But would you guys ever go to Burning Man? No. Definitely not. Have you met people who go to Burning Man? Three is not enough. well I'm just imagining dying at burning man you're in a stupid top hat right diplo is doing it djing you're you're 60 years old you made a stupid software company you think you're important your girlfriend left you you forgot your statins at home because your nice first wife didn't pack them for you and now you're dying in a fucking trailer like a meth head that's what's sad about dying at burning man that you're in one of those outfits you're in a stupunk outfit dying yeah it's a tough way to it's a tough way to go it's the elvis yeah dying on the toilet yeah of deaths it's um there's a hospital tent there imagine you're in the hospital tent that smells like palo santo yeah some some guy on acid is like we're gonna heal you get the ouija board out my aorta i mean i don't know who died and how they died if it's an older person he was 60 they were 60 I think the person was one was in the late 50s and one was in the 60s or something and you kind of want to know the drugs just to know the people I feel the worst for is the families of of course you lose a loved one but then you have to explain it to people and watch the reaction they have to my dad passed at Burning Man you've already had to deal with the reaction they had my dad wears amulets like you've already had to see the look on people's faces when they reacted to his amulets you already had to see the look on people's faces no no no you don't just end up he was at Burning Man in his 60s it's a lifestyle so you're already having to spite already your parents are divorced they're definitely divorced your mom's at home trying to date she keeps bringing home older guys who kind of look like your dad your dad is dating women who are doing some sort of yoga they love ayahuasca and tell you about the benefits of it and you've had to deal with this and this is like the grand finale to the horrible shitstorm you've been in since you moved out for college and they said they were getting a divorce this is like the grand ending to this tale and that is like I don't think there's anything more horrific in the entire world like my parents when they had tough times when the kids left the house I was like I just don't want to have to make two calls I don't want to have to call each of them both every day I get to call one time and talk to them both I never saw that this could have been also my future Jared I'm on the playa Jared there's sand in my eyes I should have never left your mother it's not a good life Jared they don't sell turquoise here I was going to bring you home a lot of turquoise I was gonna bring you home There's no money There's no They don't allow money So if you need turquoise I had grapefruit with my Lipitor And now I'm dying It's just like a horrible swan dive To the end of this shit show They've had to live for I wish them the best I actually think they might be freed by this They're like You know like there's a There's an element of like Dad's gone We don't have to Do any of this We don't have to Talk to his shaman anymore Yeah, let's just hope all of everyone's affairs were in order.

21:24I hope, again, we're making fun, but I hope family... It is sad. Land the plane. Yeah, land the plane, brother. Very sad for you. Yeah, you do this. I wish you and your... I hope everything's okay. I would go next year, though. There's nothing worse than hearing someone tell you about how great Burning Man is. It's the... Oh, my God. Like, that to me is like the ninth rung of Dante's Inferno. The eighth being, hey, I got a great app idea. Yeah, yeah. It's Uber for lawyers. Right. Luber. Oh, my God. When someone says it's the Uber of, I'm just like. Right. Just kill me right now. Uber for coffee.

22:02Coffee for Uber. It doesn't make any sense. It doesn't add up. Right. I hate it. Wait. Speaking of things that don't make sense, this is a perfect transition. Hunter Biden is dropping a cryptocurrency called Laptop. The drop came after Haydn did his media hits alongside everyone from Gavin Newsom to Kansas Owens. Here's the thing. I want to make fun of this. Promise you we will be paying 2 billion laptop coins for our children to go to college in 30 years. This will be the reserve currency of the United States. I can't cheer against a group more than anyone who's involved in crypto in any way.

22:42You never fell for it. It's not a fall for it. I just, I don't have the energy. like I just don't know like I'm okay saying I don't know things I think that's like a I was saying three weeks ago the discourse it's above my head I don't understand AI I'm never going to understand it don't understand crypto don't understand blockchain don't understand what Hunter Biden's doing I think it's exactly the same as the Burning Man conversation I don't want to talk about it I hope that crypto all goes to zero so I never have to hear about it again like it's just so annoying when someone starts talking to me and they say the word blockchain I want to lobotomize myself what they don't understand is that they sound like someone telling you a story about a big win they had at the casino no one really cares about a big win at the casino I think it's worse than that I think it's like gloop-a-loo-doop-doop-doop-doop I'm like it's not even words it's the peanuts parents you don't get the future yeah exactly I wish it was about a big win at the casino and then they're like money's fake and it's like so is your thing I don't know like it kind of all seems made up was the world so bad 20 years ago that people are like i need new types of money like i i don't know like i i kind of like look at the world 20 30 years ago and i go boomers ruled i was okay with it but now now there's this like thing to change it for this more optimized weren't we all doing okay i don't know maybe not i i like regular money regular money is the best i will say cash yeah you like cash yeah you carry cash yeah how much you how much you carry in right now i have a lot of cash because i worked you know when you because you worked a drag brunch i did a drag brunch like listen things go watch my special yeah seriously i work at the comedy seller so they pay you in cash so they do a two dollar bill so i was given a two dollar bill this last night two dollar steve he's a friend you can look him up two dollar holler this guy's a saint he is a beautiful human being.

24:40Jefferson. He just goes and gives you a$2 bill and he's like pass the kindness along. So I'll do it for you. That's yours. I'll pass it along. How many laptops? Hunter Biden laptop coins is this worth? Not a lot by the way. I would like to do it. Exchange rate for laptop coin. Nice story Jared. I'm sorry. The coin actually came out on Wednesday and it went up 300 % and then that same afternoon went down to like pennies. What is the level of embarrassment you would be able to take? Like, what is the thing that could be said about you? Because Hunter Biden has just had everything said about him in the world.

25:21Well, his bowels have been, like, picked over by everyone. The contents of the laptop were so embarrassing. Oh, okay. You know about the laptop. I know tangentially. He's smoking crack. He's with the hookers. It just seems like embarrassing. Like, I don't, you know more than me. Yeah, yeah. I'm one of those, like, if it doesn't have to do with my life, I kind of look away. It's the most humiliating thing you could possibly have. Yeah, that's wild. Would you take that level of embarrassment to now have what seems like the freedom to, like, because he's now this, like, it feels like he feels he's this free man.

25:53Nothing could be as bad. Would you take that in this day and age? Or would you, like, to kind of, like, live as if you could jump on the tight wire with no net underneath without dying? I think there's a difference between being free. Like, I've been canceled. People have said the bad thing about me. I can move on with my life. And being humiliated. You know what I mean? I think canceling makes you free. I don't think being humiliated does. I feel like he does seem to be turning this into a weird type of freedom for himself. I think you're right. But I think this might be a little bit of an asterisk, what he's doing.

26:29I think he will run for president with Don Jr. There will be some schizophrenic presidential ticket. in 2028 involving hunter biden everything's setting himself up for that everything's on the table everything's on the table like i kind of like live that you know i don't know i the like a hunter biden comes up from someone and i go that's kind of my version of burning man where i go okay time for me to go right you know i kind of go okay we're talking about the the looney tunes of it all you know i you know but it is something i do think he might run for president but i do think it's going to be under the guise of he's selling something.

27:02It's monetizing, monetizing, monetizing. I think that's all this is about. We're going to laugh about it now, but I promise you we will be like trading for rations. I'm going to have to buy a new liver with laptop when the apocalypse comes. So for now, it'll be fine. And we'll be right back. Every summer, I rediscover that my body's preferred sleeping temperature is that of an industrial freezer. Anyone else? I was sick of flipping my pillow every five minutes. So I finally switched out my whole sleep situation for Cozy Earth, and I really don't know what I was waiting for. The rib knit pajama set is incredible.

27:34It's best worn after a full day of sweating in muggy New York City to feel instantly refreshed. These PJs are made from viscose and bamboo and are genuinely breathable. Cozy Earth stands by everything they make. There's a lifetime warranty and 30 days of hassle-free returns if something's not right. Head to CozyEarth.com and use my code SUZY, that's S-U-Z-Y, for an exclusive 20 % off. That's code SUZY for an exclusive 20 % off. And if you see a post-purchase survey, mention that you heard about Cozy Earth right here.

28:27Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Terms apply.