In short
Parenting with/against technology; Rosie’s “Rosie gets toxic” mindset; horror films on trains; a golf trip update; supermarket substitutions; camping; “beefs” between Chris and Rosie about rules and household mess.
Guests
None mentioned. The episode is hosted by Rosie Ramsey and her husband Christopher Ramsey, with listener voice notes/messages.
Guest backgrounds
N/A (no guest speakers).
Key claims
- Rosie and Chris argue about strict parenting: limiting iPads/games, encouraging boredom, and reacting to government talk of banning social media for under-16s.
- Chris claims he can now watch horror films after trying them on a train; he recommends “Weapons” (witchcrafty, kids run away).
- Carl Hutchinson joined the golf trip but mainly relaxed by the pool; he discovered a “level” between tipsy and “need carried home.”
- Rosie describes “jobie” (a child’s toilet accident) as a funny incident at a curry restaurant.
- They discuss AI as profitable for insiders but harmful broadly.
Notable examples
- Play-Doh playing for 40 minutes when parents briefly “blank” them.
- Golf trip: Carl holding “Lincoln fingers” while walking home, then face-down on the bed (“package delivered”).
- Toilet paper substitution: A4 printer paper instead of toilet paper.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOGolf Trip Updates
0:56 to 1:18
Chris shares experiences from his recent golf trip, including preparation.
“And for a limited time, college students get the best of both worlds.”
Golf Trip Updates
1:20 to 2:24
Chris shares experiences from his recent golf trip, including preparation.
90's Parenting Challenges
2:24 to 4:27
Chris and Rosie discuss parenting styles and the challenges with technology.
“Obviously the lotion, it's getting a lot better, but for some reason, I don't know why I do this to myself.”
Boredom is Beneficial
4:27 to 4:52
Rosie emphasizes the importance of boredom for kids' creativity and growth.
“And I feel, I said this this morning to you, didn't I?”
Concerns About Technology
4:52 to 6:10
Discussing the impact of technology on parenting and children's lives.
“who've been exposed to it and their parents because I genuinely don't think it's their fault.”
Silicon Valley Insights
6:10 to 7:48
Insights into the ethics of technology companies and their impact on children.
“very quickly a lady who works in Silicon Valley was talking to other people who work in Silicon Valley about AI and about Silicon Valley is that where they do all the boob jobs?”
Lighthearted Banter
7:48 to 8:32
Chris and Rosie inject humor into serious discussions about society and parenting.
Horror on Trains
8:32 to 12:54
Chris shares his experience watching horror films on the train and discusses pop culture.
“wait can't one he's got his special glasses I know but but imagine imagine if you had a kid and you forgot to put your little glasses on and you just fucking killed your kid I do believe you'd remember but yes.”
Wrap-Up and Reflections
12:54 to 14:00
The hosts reflect on their discussions and thank listeners.
“I remember when Game of Thrones first came out, first series, very sex heavy.”
Reflections on Abstaining from Porn
14:00 to 16:42
The hosts discuss the impact of not watching porn and the emotions it evokes.
“And honestly, I think I'm better for it.”
Show all 28 chapters
Golf Trip Adventures
16:42 to 21:32
A recount of a recent golf trip, including humorous anecdotes about friends.
“Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Riding Hood.”
Hilarious Encounter in a Restaurant
23:30 to 28:06
A comedic story involving a child's bathroom incident at a restaurant.
“New markdowns up to 70 % off are at Nordstrom Rack stores now.”
Unexpected Neighborly Gestures
28:06 to 30:24
Learn about a funny delivery mishap involving a neighbor and a parcel.
“Until he left, I spoke to him like he was a delivery guy who must know we're on his rounds and wanted to drop it off before he went on holiday or something.”
Transition to What's Your Beef
30:24 to 30:40
The hosts introduce a segment that addresses personal grievances.
“Babadoo babadoo babadoo It's time for What's your beef?”
Parenting Challenges and Communication
30:40 to 34:18
Explore the challenges of parenting, especially when partners are away.
“Well, no, because it's got something to do with the fact that I know that when they're with you, they're in the best hands possible.”
The Debate on Messy Kids' Stuff
34:18 to 36:44
A humorous discussion on the struggles of tidying up after kids.
“I fucking hate it when you call it Doritos.”
Sibling Dynamics and Parenting Styles
36:44 to 40:44
Insights into how different parenting styles affect children's behavior.
“Yet today, just this morning, I went to throw away some kind of cardboard mask on a straw that Rafe got from McDonald's that I saw him use once yesterday.”
Sibling Dynamics and Parenting Styles
41:16 to 41:49
Insights into how different parenting styles affect children's behavior.
“This Father's Day, when you ship UPS air at the UPS store, your items arrive on time with your money back.”
Sibling Dynamics and Parenting Styles
41:52 to 42:16
Insights into how different parenting styles affect children's behavior.
“That's the energy State Farm brings to insurance.”
Public Questions Segment
42:16 to 46:24
The hosts engage with listeners' questions and humorous stories.
“It's time for questions from the public.”
Supermarket Substitutions
46:24 to 48:40
Discussion on funny and outrageous supermarket substitutions encountered.
“I was going to go kitchen roll, cloths, sponges.”
Thoughts on Thong Bikinis
48:40 to 51:55
A light-hearted debate on the fashion choices of bikinis and body image.
“Because I've got a little spot on my bum.”
Camping Memories and Plans
51:55 to 54:30
Sharing memories of camping in New Zealand and discussing future trips.
“You literally said the other day, I wouldn't ever stay in a hotel.”
Emotional Moments and Snacks
54:30 to 56:01
Hosts share emotional moments and cravings for snacks during the discussion.
“I think you should be ashamed of yourself, actually.”
Chocolate Bar Crisis
56:01 to 57:18
A humorous recounting of a chocolate bar shortage and a promise to resolve it.
“Robin, that's the chocolate bar Robin had last night.”
Camping Toilet Adventures
57:19 to 59:04
A funny story about a camping trip that involved an improvised toilet situation.
“My sister throws the frisbee too far so I go to retrieve it.”
The Uncle Incident
59:05 to 1:01:04
An embarrassing moment involving the uncle and a toilet mishap during camping.
“as well as my younger sister our auntie then lures us away as we hear her yell at him in the distance I assume the reasoning behind his behavior was because he was simply too tall to wipe inside the chest.”
Camping Preferences Debate
1:01:05 to 1:02:02
A discussion on camping preferences and experiences, highlighting personal dislikes.
“Would you have just bent down in the tent?”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Coming up on this week's episode of Shagged, Married, Annoyed. Chris has finally found a way to watch horror films. I'm so excited. I'll give you updates on my lads' golf break. Yes, very nice. I get a little bit toxic. Rosie gets toxic. Tune in for that. The taste of your lips. We've got beefs. And you lovely lot get in touch about supermarket substitutions and camping trips. I love camping. No you don't. No I don't. You have one new message. Translating. Disney and Pixar's Hoppers is now available on Disney+. You could say that again. Critics are calling it Pixar's funniest movie ever and a wildly entertaining ride.
0:41Blizzard Potato. It's certified fresh and verified hot. Now we party. This is incredible! Wow, I am clear in the rest of the day. Disney and Pixar's Hoppers, now available on Disney+. Rated PG. Study. and play. Come together on a Windows 11 PC. And for a limited time, college students get the best of both worlds. Get the Unreal College Deal. Everything you need to study and play with select Windows 11 PCs. Eligible students get a year of Microsoft 365 Premium and a year of Xbox Game Pass Ultimate with a custom color Xbox wireless controller. Learn more at windows.com slash student offer. While supplies last.
1:22Ends June 30th. Terms at aka.ms slash college pc. hello you lovely lot you are listening and watching shag married annoyed with me rosie ramsey and my husband christopher ramsey hello hello hello hi right let's uh quick as we can get this over with i've got my clubs maston downstairs need to get down get them a scrub all sorted what so basically maston maston sounds sexual it does i don't care what you're saying i'd never heard it until my mate jordan said that his mom says um when you put the tea bag in the water don't put the milk in straight away don't take the tea bag out too early let it mast oh let it mast and he said it at a word of soft play i mean soaks better soak seep yeah stew but mast is a very odd word but um now whenever we clean with golf clubs i say i'm just masting masting me so you put them in soapy water are they are they muddy they're a little bit muddy off my golf trip oh we haven't done the podcast since your golf thank you for asking it was fantastic golf trip more about that later it was very very good um yeah all good what you've been up to while I've been golfing?
2:25I just had the kids. Yeah. Just had the kids. Good fun. No, no. Oh no. Obviously the lotion, it's getting a lot better, but for some reason, I don't know why I do this to myself. I go nineties. Yes. And it's like, I'm torturing myself, but at the same time I'm really clamping down on like technology. Yeah. Explain to people what you mean. It doesn't mean that you're sort of, you're wearing shell suits. I've started I've started hitting them with slippers. I've started just swearing and smoking around them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blowing it in the face. Blasting their, Oasis, Travis, Blur. Yeah, Britpop.
2:59We're all right from our childhood. Why are we so pathetic as parents now? Oh, I don't know. Like, what the fuck? Sometimes I just want to give them a smack. I do. I just want to. You still haven't explained what you meant. You're joking. You still haven't explained what you meant. You mean you go, you don't let them go on iPads. You don't let them go on games. I bored them. I just let them be bored. You want them to be bored. But it's horrible because they don't leave us alone and they just constantly say that they're bored. And I'm like, but boredom's very good for you. And it is. I think it's important to be bored.
3:26It is. It's really, really important to be bored sometimes as a child. Definitely. Yeah, because then, and I've noticed, the minute that they're bored is when they start doing other stuff, like drawing and getting stuff out that they haven't played with for ages. Rafe got his Play-Doh out the other day and he played with it for like a solid 40 minutes and I just sat and I, do you know, I was doing the washing and I didn't actually leave the utility room for 10 or 15 minutes. I just sat on the floor and listened to a podcast because, I know it's so sad. It's Rosie's mental breakdown. No, because the minute I go in to the room where he is, he wants something.
3:59So I just thought, I'm just blanking in. As soon as they see you, they're like, oh, there's a waiter over there. Excuse me, can we get some juice and some snacks, please? The ice is melted in me juice, bitch. Can you? So yeah, so no, but it's good. I think it's good for them. And I'm just having a whole breakdown about just technology. Being a parent with technology. I just it's such I fucking hate it it's dead hard and I just don't I I think there's a lot of people listening that'll be going through the same thing I'm the strict man and I hate it I hate that I'm the strict man and Robin is really upset with this at the minute because I'm the strict man and I'm really upset about it I think it comes from the right place they literally have just said that they're gonna the government have said that they're possibly gonna ban social media for under 16s they're not doing that on a fucking whim like they're doing it because children shouldn't have smartphones on social media It's far too much fun.
4:48And I feel, I said this this morning to you, didn't I? I said, I feel really sorry for the children who've been exposed to it and their parents because I genuinely don't think it's their fault. Like when it, like, yeah. So the kids who are like 16 and that now who when it all came out and it was like, oh, he has an iPad, he has YouTube, just fucking smash that from four years old. Why not? No boundaries on it whatsoever. Yeah, yeah. Because they're like fully in it now. Because I just feel like, come with, everybody works really hard. Everyone's really busy, right? And like, there's a government in place and there's all these people in place getting paid money to run the country and to keep it in check but when nobody is it's just it's not fair like so you mean like they should have been like maybe well Steve didn't Steve Jobs say Steve Jobs said he would iPad not for kids he was like I would never give me kids this yeah but they're making so much money off our kids and it really fucks us off because they don't give a shit like I didn't tell you about the really sad video I seen oh no okay well let's just carry on then no no come on do you want to tell so guys everyone I've been making a joke for a few weeks about Rosie's trying to kill comedy but literally this morning you did your best to make me not be in the mood for this podcast you hit me from all fucking angles I swear down well okay then let's just carry on because we're here to cheer people up I don't want to bring everyone down we're here to cheer people up we're here to take people's minds off it listen, I have had a breakthrough first of all, thank you for listening can I tell you really quickly about my side video very quickly a lady who works in Silicon Valley was talking to other people who work in Silicon Valley about AI and about Silicon Valley is that where they do all the boob jobs?
6:20It's not you know exactly what Silicon Valley is Just a bit just a bit just peppering a couple of dad jokes in here just to try and just to keep it light so everyone remember that that's your little you know when you're on a marathon and you've got the little table to hand the water out I'm that on the journey of sadness that you're trying to take everyone on I'm the little tables of happiness are offing so that was it that was your one mile mark and you are what keeps us in the comedy charts rather than the serious Yeah, cry and sad. Yeah. We'd never get into politics, but maybe sad cry. Sad cry charts.
6:50So she was saying that they were talking about AI, how amazing it is, but how bad it is for the world and everything. And then she was like, so what can we do to stop that? And they were like, why would we? We're making millions. Yeah, and we've all got cracking tits. Exactly. Because we live in the valley where they do the tits. should be called silicon cleavage. They've missed a trick there. This doing anything for you? No, because I was trying to just make a point about how the world is going to shit because a small amount of people are making millions and billions of pounds, but it's all going to go to shit.
7:29And I believe I've accidentally made a really good point as well during that, which is, but look at them tits. Yeah. I'm going to go over there for a minute. You're going to do your next bit and I'm going to leave all of my shit and the badness of the world and how upset I am about everything at the minute I'm going to leave it all over there and I'm going to come back and we're going to talk about piss and shit and coming on tits and we're going to honestly let's just don't you threaten me with a good time let's get back to business I'm sorry I'm really sorry so sometimes what I like to do technology just really upsets us stop sometimes what I like to do is I like to empty me face right so I hold like that and I empty all of the sadness like you know in the green mile when he sucks the badness out and he goes and he blows it out John Corpher so I go like coffee that's what I said I thought you said coffin I did it with an accent come on coffee not his accent but an accent nonetheless so I bleep and I sort of like you know Cyclops off X-Men I put all my badness Cyclops in my hands I wouldn't thank you for that one and then I two seconds and then I roll it up and then I throw it away back to that you wouldn't thank for Cyclops oh I can't look at anyone wait can't one he's got his special glasses I know but but imagine imagine if you had a kid and you forgot to put your little glasses on and you just fucking killed your kid I do believe you'd remember but yes.
8:41You might not. Mm-hmm. But the kid might have the same thing. The baby might be born and they might go, oh my God, it's a boy. I wonder what colour his eyes are. Well, there you go, exactly. It's just one I would never thank you for. I just don't think it's a good one. Apparently Cyclops is in the next X-Men film, next Avengers film. All the X-Men are going to be in it. Oh, well, that's it. You're not seeing the fucking cast list for the new Avengers Doomsday? No. It's unbelievable. Is it? Unbelievable. We've got a couple of cinema trips coming up. Toy Story 5's coming out. Yes. Which I'm excited about.
9:07That was quick, by the way. I just made it. It's just how life works now. So fast. The older you get, the faster time goes. Like, only a couple of months ago, it was like, oh, there's going to be Toy Story. It's going to be an iPad. You're going to love it. It's an iPad against the toys. You're going to be there. Team toy. And I'm going to be sitting looking at the kids going, hmm, yeah. What do you think of that? Kids, you've made Woody cry. You've made Woody cry. He's going bald. I'm going to do my thing. We're very... Shall we calm down a bit? Nah, I refuse. Just take a minute. It's you, man.
9:36don't right careful you've got a wire you've got a wire you've got your dog lead on right just gone over there right you look like you're having a shit on the long camera on the wide camera there you look like you're sitting having a shit but there we go on your back hello what's favorite kind of crisps and we're back in the room listen guys thank you so much for being here thank you so much for listening thank you for watching if you are please subscribe on youtube that'll be wonderful um and without further ado it is time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor again this isn't the real sponsor so don't skip it um lucrative lucrative sponsor right lucrative sponsor yeah uh i've had a breakthrough i thought he's gonna say breakdown i was gonna say oh i've been having a breakdown for years uh i'm just mates with it now it's just just with us just part of us um you let the elephant in oh yeah i'm riding the elephant um not in a sexual way this week's sponsor is watching horror films on the train ah i fucking cracked it i've cracked it okay you know I've always I've said it in me stand up I've always said it I am like I'm obsessed with horror films but I'm too scared to watch them I watch the advert or I listen to the premise of it and I go and it's the it's the mystery that I like it's the oh I wonder what that is I wonder how they're sorted out do you know what I mean that's what I'm buzzing about but I'm always too scared to watch them I had a thought we just started watching that Widow's Bay on Apple TV we're only about four or five episodes in fucking great weird as fuck funny as fuck bit scary great and I thought you know what I think I can handle horrors now and I watched a horror film on the train yesterday.
11:06Was I scared? Yes. Did I cover my eyes a couple of times? Sort of, but I made it look like I was scratching my head. What did you watch? Weapons. Oh, okay. Never heard of it. It's the one where all the kids run away in the middle of the night with their arms out like that, like a little airplane. Oh, God. Nah. So 2.17, what happens is, I'm not going to spoil it for everyone, but at 2.17 in one night, all the children, bar one from a class, a school class, all run out their front doors and fuck off into the night and no one knows where they are. and it's scary. There's loads of jumps, but I was, so I was doing this a lot.
11:35You'll have to watch this on the video, so I was doing this a lot on the thing. So I had my right arm across my eyes because I was covering my eyes because I was scared watching it, but I didn't want anyone. But you're on the train. Oh, yeah. But it's good because you're watching a horror film on the train, but I'm in public and there's people there and I'm safe, so you can't get into it too much. And every now and then the bloke comes and goes, do you want a cup of tea? And I'm like, no, I'm fine. Back into it. Would I like it? Weapons. Yes. Is it ghosty or is it murdery? Or is it... It's sci-fi.
12:05No, none of the above. It's witchcrafty. Oh, ooh. It's great. I really enjoyed it. I really, really enjoyed it. Okay, I might watch that. But I've got them all lined up. All the ones I've been obsessed with and thought about. Babadook. I'm going to watch that on the train. It. You've never seen it. You've just said that, haven't you? You've never seen it. You've just said Babadook in a weird voice. Never seen it. Great. You just like the words. No, we talked about it years ago. Isn't it a bit like seeing Candyman in the mirror? I don't know. I think I already know the twist in that one. But that, It, I've never watched any of the It's or Welcome to Derry, Too Scared, Trains.
12:38Honestly, when I go down to Mark Wee next week. I thought that was another film. It's where you're going to watch it. What, Derry? No, you said Trains. I was like, what's Trains? Oh no, I'm watching all of them on the trains. Yeah, good. Very excited. If you're all the same as me, do it, watch it on a train. I've been watching a few sexy things that you can't watch on the train. I've missed dialogue, you know. Oh, Game of Thrones. I remember when Game of Thrones first came out, first series, very sex heavy. I remember minimising, this was the day I just used to download them. I used to torrent them and put them on my screen because streaming wasn't as, no, you know, you couldn't tether to your phone back in the day when I was doing all that.
13:09This was all fields. I remember I had to minimise the screen to the size of a fucking posted stamp in the top corner of my screen. I was like, people are going to think I'm watching porn on the train. I know, I've been having to fast forward stuff. But they do dialogue while they're doing it. And I'm like, I'm missing full chunks. Brightness. Just turn your brightness down. And you can still hear the dialogue. Or just flick up so it's still playing. Flick up on your iPad. Flick. Like they're flicking each other's knees. But then part of us thinks, I'm a grown-up. I'm allowed to watch sex. So how about you all just deal with it?
13:39And maybe I might just get me kicks by thinking, look at me screen. There's a photo that went viral years ago of an old man sitting on the train. And he's facing porn. Yeah. So he's like, he's got his back to the window. and he's watching an iPad and he doesn't realise it's dark outside and someone took a photo and you can see his iPad and he's full on on Pornhub on his iPad on a train. I still haven't watched porn. Never. It's been about a year. Oh, since they wanted you. Details. Since they wanted me to detail. And honestly, I think I'm better for it. Tell that 10 minute conversation we had before.
14:11This podcast started about everything that's bad in the world. Tell you what, I'll sign you up. Get yourself a porn subscription. Fucking cheer your bracket up. Swear to God. I think I'm better for it You just have to sit in the corner I take five What do you think you're better for it Porn Porn Porn Porn Porn Porn Porn Porn No but But I haven't been watching porn But I've been watching sex on the train So you know Whatever Sex on the train Come on move your body Sex on the train Very good No come on Let's sing Oh I can't be honest You really are Broke Look at all that That just happened there man the roller coaster of emotions.
14:53Like me head now, I feel like I could explode. Yeah. I don't know if I'm happy or excited or if I'm sad or overwhelmed. I don't know. It all feels a bit fuzzy. I think you're missing porn. That's what it is. You're missing porn. I'm not missing porn because I could never get away with it. I could. I'd just seen through them. I just saw through their eyes. Yeah, they look a bit sick. I just can't find something sexy when they don't want to be there. Honestly, sometimes... I'm not saying cock. I'm saying clock. a lot of clock watching a lot of you can tell it's never the men it's not the men the men are all very much enjoying it it's just the women changing musicians and whilst they're doing it going right
15:35and then changing again I've had enough again you've done the same one you've done the same one well because they've probably just done it twice but I can't I can't I can't She just wants to go and have a bath. She wants to go and have a bath. There's none of them want to be there. Yeah. And it's, I can't find, I don't find it sexy. Whereas in the movies, they're all very good at acting. Oh, yeah. And it makes it, you know, it's much better. Yeah, and they've all got the little pieces on so the bits aren't touching. Yeah, but sometimes in my head I like to think, I bet they are. Yeah, they did it afterwards just to make sure.
16:10Okay, fair enough. Strictly's the same.
16:42Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Riding Hood. Hello, hello. Now, as promised, golf trip update. Golf trip. I had a lovely time. Thank you for asking. It was fantastic. Going to make it an annual thing. Absolutely fantastic. Over my dead body. Loved it. That's fine. Loved it, loved it, loved it. A lot less depressing being shit at golf when you're in a sunny place. A lot less depressing. I think anything's better in the sun. Yeah. Yeah. That's why I think this country... Noah. Oh, here it is. No, I think there's just a lot of sadness and upset in this country. Especially in the north, because we don't get the weather.
17:17We don't get the bloody weather. No, we don't get it. We never get nice weather. I take three vitamin D tablets a day. I was down to one. That's too many. It's not, man. It is. That's too many. Chris. What? That's too many. You just poo it out, man. You poo it out. In the summer, you go down to one. In the winter, you're up in the two. I'm on one now. I'm on one, because I was in the sun. Yeah. I'm on one. But in general, you don't need three vitamin D tablets. I'm going to take four just to prove you wrong. Why do you do everything? why you can't do everything in excess because I heard vitamin D was good so I was like well I'll have more of it then more's good but too much same with everything innit come on you look yellow I was really worried after you slagged off my watch tan I was really worried I was going to have a glove tan I don't think I've got one no you haven't I think the same yeah I think I was going to get that but so as we all know Carl Hutchinson friend of the podcast came with us on the golf trip yeah but he didn't doesn't play golf he doesn't partake in the golf He just waited for where he just had a little holiday on his own.
18:12Oh, good. And then we all, I mean, we were done. We were done at like one o 'clock in the afternoon, which is when, you know, we saw him then. So Carl, when we got back, so we'd be playing golf on the morning, right? And then we'd be texting, we'd be like, wait, he's coming back. We'd be like, yeah, we're on the way back. We'll get back. And he'd already be around the pool waiting for her. The excitement on his little face and how we went on when we came back, it was like, and this, I'm not exaggerating yet. Have you seen the videos of people who've lost their dogs and they go and find their dog.
18:40And the dog is like, it can't control itself. It's like, it's on them and it's like fucking wagging his tail so much its whole body's moving. He was exactly like that when we got back. He was like, you all right? Hey, I've done this and I've watered the thing and I went down there and I've got these sunbeds for her. And it was like buzzing, right? But however, however, Carl discovered, and I didn't know this was a thing, Carl discovered the level before, the level of pissed before a need carried home. Because he was a big lad. I wouldn't be happy having to carry him home. He discovered the level.
19:12There's a level under a need carried home. So you're drunk. You're tipsy. You're pissed. You're hammered. You need carried home. In between hammered and need carried home, there's a state that Carl discovered. And I didn't know it was a thing. We were walking home one night. And Carl was a little bit worse for wear. And he just turned to one of the lads. What? He went. can I hold your hand?
19:44And Sean went, what? He went, it's all right, if I just hold your hand while we're walking. And Sean went, yeah, no bother. I've got multiple photos of me phone. Just to keep them upright? Just to keep them. Like, I don't need carried, but can I just hold your hand? The weirdest bit was they didn't hold hands like school trip holding hands. They held proper Lincoln fingers. So nice. Married a couple holding hands. And why shouldn't you? To be fair, Sean, I think Sean swapped at one point with Jordan, but Sean and Jordan held his hand all the way home. Yeah. All the way home. And then I took him up to his room.
20:20Yeah. And I put him to bed. Because you love him. He's your friend. Love him to bits. I took him up to his room and he said, you're a pleasant drunk, but he is the most pleasant drunk in the world. Oh, that's, well then, when people are pleasant drunks, you don't mind looking after them when they're drunk. It's unbelievable. Like laughing his head off, just loves everything, loves life and uh he said the next morning he's like this is why everyone was saying you're such a nice drunk he's like this is why i never get bf here he was like i never get bf here because i know i've never upset or offended anyone because he's great yeah i don't know his bedroom and uh he just fell face forward was he more drunk than everyone else because he'd been drinking while you were at golf i would imagine so right um he fell face forward onto the bed right and i've got a photo on my phone i'll have to show you it's a photo of him just lying face face face down on the bed and I texted the group with the caption, your package has been delivered.
21:11Well, he's had a good time. He's also trenches. He's trenches with young, young, young, young children. They are. They're trenches. They're in the trenches with very young children. And again, it gets easier. I tell them all the time it gets easier. But when you're cutting loose, when you're away, you are cutting loose. Yeah, absolutely. You've done it before. Oh God, yeah. You've lost days. Oh, when you're so hung over and hot, you've got to lie on the bathroom floor for the tiles yeah yeah been there starting or growing your own business can be intimidating and lonely at times your to-do list may feel endless with new tasks and lists can easily begin to overrun your life so finding the right tool that not only helps you out but simplifies everything as a built in business partner can be a game changer for millions of businesses that tool is shopify Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10 % of all e-commerce in the U.S.
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24:01so another thing that happened this would not have been as funny if it wasn't in a Scottish accent went for a meal one night and we went to a curry place and I went to the bathroom during said curry and a lady had already ran past our table holding like a four year old a four or five year old little girl ran, like sprinted, holding the girl. We all know why they're sprinting to the toilet. For a week. Well, there's an accident on the horizon. Yes. Okay. So she runs past and we go, oh, you know, and wait. What was mad was we're all dads. So in a really, not a horrible way, but in a really like, I don't know, like trying to enjoy ourselves as much as possible way.
24:46Whenever we saw anyone around the pool or anywhere having a bit bothered with the kids or on the flight, we all were just like, ah, not us. This is great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? But also probably, I'm guessing, understanding. Very understanding. Oh, kids crying on flights. Couldn't give a shit. Yeah. But once upon a time. My kid, I'm devastated. Before I had kids, I was raging. Stick a screaming kid next to me for the full flight. I couldn't give a shit because I don't have to help. I'm like, fuck you. Well, I mean. No, but you know what I mean? It's not my. Yeah, but I could.
25:13But it's not my issue is my problem. It's not my. So I'm like, okay, kids crying. I really thought you were going to take a different angle. No, no. I'm like, ah, it's not my problem. No, but I thought you were going to say, I understand. because our kids have done it. Oh, I understand. My point is I understand, but I'm like, it's not... I feel I've just remembered something. It's not my burden, should I say. Yep, yep, yep. Anyway, listen to this, right? Hang on. What? I'm just writing something down. Okay. What for the beefs? Maybe. Wow. She's doing her research in front of us live on the podcast.
25:40Wasn't going to mention it, but I will. Great. So, this lady runs to the toilet. She's in the toilet for quite some time. I end up needing the toilet. So I go, and it's one of them toilets where it's got the sink area is communal and then off to the right is the ladies and off to the left is the man's yeah so i walk in and the little girl is standing next to the sink and the mom is looks at me and turns her back is just clearly cleaning something in the sink i kind of know what's going on but i'm not bothered and i saw look like oh which one's the men's which one's the which goes oh it's there and i went and she goes are you off the you're off the telly and i was like oh yeah and she was to the toilet and I came back out and I'm waiting to use the sink and she went and she realizes I know what's happened right and she kind of went oh two seconds um we just we've just had a little bit of an incident like that and the little girl looked up at us right into her mom's horror and it wouldn't have been funny if it wasn't in this accent in this accent she'd looked at us and just I just went, I done a jobie.
26:49And the mom just went, like that. And I fucking lost it. Oh, my God. I done a jobie. Oh, bless that heart, man. Oh, it was absolutely. If anyone doesn't know what jobie means to shit. Oh, my God. Because it has been a murder. I literally, I went, well done. I went, congratulations, me darling. Like that. And she, like, smiled. And the mom was just, like, shaking her head. Oh, it was fucking delicious. I love jobie. It was so good. Oh, and the candy man. I've done a job. I've done a job. The man just looked right up at us and told us. The man just looked right up at us and told us. The man just looked right up at us and told us.
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27:20I've put me pads. God, it was fun. The man was devil. I knew if the man's listening, I already knew what had happened. I get it. And it's fine. But it was, God, it was funny. Cute. One thing of note that happened whilst you were away that I haven't actually got to speak you about um one day there was somebody knocked on the door no so the gate was open and somebody came to the door very smartly dressed man like like he'd had a suit on all day but he took his jacket off right um with a delivery saying oh i'm going i'm going out shortly so i just wanted to drop these off uh-huh oh i'm like this delivery guy is going above and beyond right he's literally going out and on his round he's dropping off our parcel who is he not a normal guy so kind of him so i'm literally like thank you so much like you didn't you didn't have to do that blahdy blah didn't realize till he's a neighbor i knew you were gonna say that who is he i don't know i was like i've not seen this guy before it wasn't like i don't think he's peripheral right you don't think he's an immediate neighbor so you thought he was a delivery guy but he was dropping something so So something's been dropped at his house.
28:33Until he left, I spoke to him like he was a delivery guy who must know we're on his rounds and wanted to drop it off before he went on holiday or something. And I was just like, what is happening? That shows how ingratiated we are in the local community. Don't even know who the fucking neighbours are. I thought we did though. Yeah. I thought we knew all the neighbours. You might have just moved in. Sometimes, you know, if they'll knock, they'll knock to try and, because that's that whole thing in a way, if they don't deliver it, they get bollocked. I know. So sometimes they'll knock and if everyone's out, they'll go fucking miles down the street.
29:01Right, okay. Well, they must have gone pretty far because I was like, I don't think I've seen this guy before. Oh, you didn't see anything awful. No, I didn't. I was just like, oh, wow, thank you. Right. So actually, he's probably took it as me going, thank you for taking that in. I really appreciate it. Whereas you thought he was... I just thought this delivery guy is... On his way to a wedding. Yeah. But he's going to die. I have to get this parcel to you. This is so important. I absolutely have to get this to you. Like the parcel at the end of Castaway. Yeah. And he keeps the whole time so he's got a purpose to get home.
29:28Oh my God, that is such a good film. Incredible film. Isn't it? I might watch it again, actually. You know that is six-month gap, so you get into shape. For when they've gone back? Yeah. Yeah, the dedication. That is six months. So he's quite, he's just like normal body shape, and then they crash, and they do all the first bits, and then they have like a six-month gap, and he gets shredded, and then they start filming again. Because, well, surely they had to do it while they were doing the filming. Yeah, but it's like there's a gap in filming. While he's there, he's lost all the week. Yeah, of course, because there's that one where it fades, I think he knocks his tooth out and then it fades away to nothing and the next one there's a fish and a fucking spear lands in the fish and then the wide shot is him just on a rock just fucking ripped to bits.
30:08Yeah. Love that. So there you go. Okay. So sorry, sorry to the gentleman. Yeah. He was a gentleman. I'm just glad, I'm glad you didn't say like, you know, I want to take a four over it like you normally do or something like that. That would have been painful. That would have been painful. Right, good, good, good. Babadoo babadoo babadoo It's time for What's your beef? What's your beef? What is your beef? What? What? What? What's your beef? Right, so you wrote something down earlier Was that beef? Yes, it is beef And this is the new one That you've just remembered I didn't just remember it I just I hadn't wrote it down at the time But it's just I think it's a I think as all mothers We can agree That this is something Okay Here we go Alright, well As a woman, as a mother I know I'm about to get a load of shit Come on then So Something happened with the kids While you were away Just like Robin was misbehaving type thing and blah blah and i told you about it because i had to i had to implement some rules yeah he wasn't allowed to play out for a couple of nights and blah blah blah anyway it's also don't worry about it but it was kind of plaguing us and i wanted to talk to you about it because you were away and i spoke to you about it and then the next day i said like have you thought about what we're chatting about yesterday and you said to me i'm on holiday no and i just i just no no no no but i just i also have been on holiday without the kids but i can tell you right now i don't like stop thinking about them and stop thinking about stuff just because i'm not with them i still think about everything and possibly might even be awake in the night thinking about stuff this might be why you said earlier on that your head feels like it's about to explode because i did just switch off um but it's just a luxury that I'm not afforded.
31:49Well, no, because it's got something to do with the fact that I know that when they're with you, they're in the best hands possible. You know that when they're with me, they're with second best. Yeah, I know I just don't ever switch off from them and thinking about them and thinking about stuff. I know I was just, honestly, I was just a bit shocked. I was a bit shocked that you were literally like, oh, I haven't given it a second thought. Well, I mean, I should have told you. I should have went, yeah, I've been thinking about it all night. I mean, that would have been better. Yeah, I should have, yeah.
32:15Because honestly, for a minute I went, I kind of did just go, I'm in this alone, aren't I?
32:24I did. I'm not even joking. I genuinely, for a second, I was like, oh, it's just all up to me, which is fine. I like to know where I stand. And like, you know, you take them to school and stuff and you'll take them to the scooter when I can't be asked. If I had me time again, I should have went, yeah, no, honestly, Rosie, I haven't stopped thinking about it. whereas honestly as soon as I hung up it was like none of you existed until you rang again
32:53how do you I need sensei how do you do it though I just need golf's an all-encompassing game you know you can't really think about anything else while you're playing golf to be honest with you what sorry the bad dad game the bad dad club that's what you saw it is the bad dad club yeah it is the bad dad club yeah in future in future just pretend shut up oh no I know now I'll fucking know I don't know. I'll be like, you haven't thought about this once. It's just mad. But that's just how different males and females are because on a girl's trip, like yous will have just talked about other stuff, but on a girl's trip, I told them all about it.
33:27I told them all about the issue. I told them about the issue. Obviously, Well, making it sound like it's really, it's genuinely like that. It was actually really fucking funny as well, to be fair. And it was one of the things where, you know when your kid does a thing where it's gnarly, but you go, fuck me, that's impressive. Like, I can't tell you how much, like, that is millimeters away from a high five what you've done. Yeah, but you have to pretend. But you're getting a bollocking for it. But I'm telling you right now, that's millimeters away from a high five. Yeah. So, yeah. I talked about it, we talked about it, we laughed about it and then I just, you know, got another beer.
33:58Nice. I'm just jealous. I know you are. I'm just jealous. I know you are. And honestly, green's not a good color on you. I know. I just don't sleep. I don't sleep worrying about my kids. And I hate that. I hate that about, I really just want to be, shit, I want to be laid back I want to be like go with it and oh well everything will be fine I lose sleep yes and that's why you're a brilliant mom and they'll thank you for it whenever I don't want to be brilliant they won't thank you for it in fact get it in your head now they will not thank you for it so why do I bother because you know it's what's best for them you know it's what's best for them well I know but I'm very aware I said this to my mom yesterday me and Robin are going to have a hard time because I am I'm the strict man yeah and he hates it and he I sometimes think he hates me and it's just it's really upsetting no he does honestly sometimes he fucking hates us because he's like well no let's see the other way around because he was asking me for something last night and I said no and he went well where's man I'll ask man so no no he will play we off against each other I know yeah I love saying no that's the difference can I have this nah can I have one of them nah he tried to get a pat He tried to get a pat to chilli heatwave Doritos at eight o 'clock last night.
35:14Why do you keep calling it Doritos? There's only one O. I fucking hate it when you call it Doritos. That would be... Every time you call it Doritos. Fucking... It's Doritos. People had a go at me on holiday for that. Oh, God. What are you saying around your mates? I say it around everyone if I say Doritos. Doritos. There's one O. Well, that would be Doritos. You fucking... No, Dor. D-double-O-R. If there was two O's, it would be Doritos. Ah, right. it's Doritos so they're all silent pretty much who told you this or Doritos it's not Doritos so fucking bucket it so hold on so you're saying it's Dura the Explorer hmm is it Dura the Explorer or is it Dora Dora oh oh oh touche touche but it's not Doritos will find no he can carry on Doritos the Exploritos
36:16listen my beef with you right when he says Doritos everyone he says Doritos all the time he's really upset do you want to tell everyone about the but why wouldn't you let him have any Doritos it was 8 o 'clock at night aye and he went and got them he got a chocolate bar and a packet of Doritos and I was like what the hell's going on here I went put them back he went where's mum I went did we give them a zap I wish it's a G &S I went go and put them back can you phone her and ask if I can have some I went no I can't phone her and ask if I can have some Doritos I went put them back you should have had it open the cupboard door and put them Doritos back in the Dorito cupboard now close the door so there you go listen what my beef with you no you can't have one I'm really sensitive me kids hate this I don't want to hate you my beef with you is what the you always whinge about this house being a bit messy and being shit everywhere and not tidying up and stuff.
37:13Yet today, just this morning, I went to throw away some kind of cardboard mask on a straw that Rafe got from McDonald's that I saw him use once yesterday. I went to put it in the recycle bin and you went, oh, don't let him keep it. Give it a week. A week? Just a week? But then you go, why is this house a tip? It's because you let him keep bits of shit for a week. I throw them away after a week. Just let them have them for a week. you only got it yesterday you can't chuck it away let him have it for a week and then throw it away what's wrong with you? I'm not having it I'm not having it straight in the bin if it's recyclable it's going it's going the journey it'll get wrecked man it'll get wrecked you rip it up in tiny pieces the pieces will be all over I'm not picking it up you're going to have to get rid of that I'm not getting rid of that I tried I'm not doing it I'm not doing it the amount of like like party bag shit that just hangs around oh god I know I hate it oh but just you can't he's a person you can't just throw away stuff he's not a person no one's a person he is you can't throw away their things you have to like ask them right but if I asked them would never get rid of anything yeah I know but then just they probably wouldn't even let us fucking flush their shits away if you asked them note how long they haven't played with it and then get rid of it can't just throw because what'll happen what'll happen you go where's that mask you go where's that thing and I'll go and then no and then what I've got to do is be horrible about you which I love oh god do you know they say you shouldn't do it but I fucking love it I know it's the most toxic thing ever and I know it's shocking and I know the red flag guy would hate us but I fucking love saying to them kids well your dad hasn't done this
38:54well you'll have to go and ask your dad about that because actually your dad said that and when you're there oh god oh I've never felt more alive
39:08dreadful but very funny well do you not love it though yeah i don't hey i don't oh it's pure red flag shit i fucking love it yeah see i don't do that at all yes you do you do you name a time i've done that i've never done it i won't do it i won't do you get upset when i do it well do you understand that actually we've got two boys so i'll give you i'll give you it because we've got two boys but i'm not gonna say like negative things about their mom yeah you want you want them to grow up knowing that women are in charge i just think it's healthier i'm sorry i do i think it's healthy i didn't ask my dad for shit growing up i know what you mean he was great amazing dad love him love him to death but i'd me mom ruled the house and i think most healthy houses, the women rule.
39:58And I want my boys to marry women who are really strong and they run the house. Not stronger than you though. They can fuck off.
40:12There's a hierarchy here. There it is. And you need to know. There it is. Oh God. Oh no, stop it. I'm doing this. I'm joking. I'm totally joking. But I do love slacking you off in front of the kids. Fair enough I've got thick skin I can take it I know And then I know When I leave the room I'm not stupid I know that when I leave the room You go She's on her period Or something She's on her period Or something Girly You know what they're like So it all balances out And then we all watch Andrew Tate So it's all good Oh my god It's all good Oh my god Ew Babadoo babadoo babadoo Ba Plan B is a backup Birth control option That's there for you When things don't go According to plan It specifically works after unprotected sex and before pregnancy occurs by temporarily delaying ovulation.
41:00Plan B is available nationwide at all major retailers and through delivery apps like DoorDash. No ID, prescription, or age requirement. It's the number one OBGYN-recommended brand of emergency contraception, and it won't impact your future fertility. That's Freedom to Be. Use as directed. This Father's Day, when you ship UPS air at the UPS store, your items arrive on time with your money back.
41:49This episode is brought to you by State Farm. You know those friends who support your preference for podcasts over music on road trips? That's the energy State Farm brings to insurance. With over 19 ,000 local agents, they help you find the coverage that fits your needs. So you can spend less time worrying about insurance and more time enjoying the ride. Download the State Farm app or go online at statefarm.com. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. You've done it differently. As always, if you want to get in touch, it's shagmildenoid at gmail.com.
42:25If you would like to send a long-form written correspondence, or if you'd like to send a voice note to the WhatsApp, it's 07874 406650. All of those content details can be found on your podcast page. Well done. That sounded very professional. It was good, that, wasn't it? I was like, Blue Peter, please send a self-addressed envelope if you want me to send your tatty bits of shitty art that you've done back. Yes. Don't expect all the bits of macaroni to still be stuck under the fucking cardboard. Very true. I've got two here. I haven't listened to them. Daisy sent them last week. One's called Norloo Roll and one's called Toilet Roll Substitution.
43:00Which one would you like? I'll have Toilet Roll Substitution, please. Right, okay. Hi, Chris. Hi, Rosie. Hi. I was listening to your podcast and heard the Rosebush Substitution. So I thought I'd tell you about a substitution that I had of my own. What's the Rosebush Substitution? Wasn't that someone gave someone a rose bush as a present? Didn't it? I don't know. Someone gave someone a rose bush as a present, I'm sure. It'll become clear, but I can't remember. I'm now thinking, wiping a divorce? No, no, no, no. No, it was nothing to do with that. All right. Pre-COVID, so the substitution that I received for toilet paper was even more...
43:45It's on a shop. someone wanted a bouquet of flowers for someone and the substitution that the online shopping did was literally a plant a rose plant if I remember rightly I got a rogue one the other day I ordered the pre-made pancakes for Rafe he hates my pancakes he's horrible it's awful so I ordered the pre-made pancakes it's really upsetting he hates my pancakes it's horrible but he snuffled them down the other morning anyway just does it says um do you know what the substitute was what a cheesecake a brownie cheesecake i was wondering why that cheesecake was in the fridge and the guy because i didn't get time to check he was like is that okay i was like so instead of pancakes crepes many ready-made crepes they gave you that a brownie cheesecake that's a bit much for breakfast what's happening i saw it in the fridge i was like why should i bought that it's oh you know i thought you'd got it for me as a little gift oh no No.
44:45Sorry. Was it nice? I haven't had any of it. It looked amazing, but I was just like... Someone's been eating it. Someone's been eating it. Sandra's been eating it. Did you throw out that veg that she left? No, I put it in the fridge. Good, because she texted us saying, don't let Chris throw it away. She left a bag of vegetables on the bench. Well, she said, do you know how much sprouts are nowadays? That's why she doesn't want it thrown away. She looked like she was going to a farm to feed the rabbits. It's just a bag of random bits of bread. So weird. It's a little bag of stir fry that she takes everywhere.
45:18So fucking weird. She takes it back home with her. As if we're not worthy of our leftover veg. It's so weird. It's so weird that she just carries... She comes and stays out of the house and just brings like... Yeah, you're right. It looks like the stuff that you give to your rabbits. Can you remember Roker Park where there was rabbits at Roker Park? It looks like she's going to Roker Park to give the rabbits... Sorry, that was a park in Sunderland near us, by the way, years ago. So weird. Anyway, ready? So this is about supermarket substitutions. Substitutions, yeah. There was no shortage at the time.
45:51I've talked about it. I had been pre-warned that my toilet paper was not in stock, so they were going to replace it. Fine, I thought I'd just have a different brand, maybe a different colour. What is it? When my shopping arrived, my toilet paper had been substituted for a ream of A4 printer paper. It's the most ridiculous substitution I've ever had. And no, I did not use it. That's fucking amazing. What? I would not have guessed. No way. I was going to go kitchen roll, cloths, sponges. And it went as far as towel. A4 printer paper. Are they not allowed to just say that they don't have it? I don't know.
46:41But that is absolutely phenomenal. That's hilarious. oh imagine wipe your arse with this there's a pandemic imagine wiping your arse on no this was before the pandemic she was saying this was before it wasn't even a shortage of toilet roll that's what she said just her brand it was just they didn't have her brand so oh look we haven't got you know I don't know Andrex Extra Soft shall we give her Charmin nah we'll not let's give her do you know what though A4 fucking laser jet paper this so this is what I find with like do you know when you go to a coffee shop and it's a and I'm not slating young people I love young people I was young once myself as well.
47:14And I used to work in a coffee shop and I didn't drink tea and I didn't drink coffee. And honestly, abysmal. Yeah. Probably everything I made was disgusting, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But all I'm saying is it's like when you go to a cafe and the people serving the coffees don't drink coffee and they're shit and you go, what is this, like, vile? Anyway. Or you're saying the person who substituted it has never wiped their arse before. I feel like the person who substituted it is a 16-year-old boy who's probably never, ever done the shopping. Right. No, like, he's probably just, like, not, I don't know.
47:47Do you know what I mean? I think it's been either a computer or there's been a really quick glance and an error. They've seen paper. They've not seen anything else. All right, okay. And they've gone, boom. So it's either the computer's done it before, because you see them on the little pads. No, it's not. That's not how it works. That's the person who drops it off. That's who's packed his shopping. Yes. It's all the same person. Yeah, but you see them on the pads going around the supermarket doing it. So either before it got to the screen of the pad, Paper for paper has been... Or they've been in a fucking frantic rush.
48:15They've looked, they've seen paper, and they've just got paper back. But that is so good. Yeah, fair enough. Can you imagine how upsetting it would be wiping your arse with a crisp sheet of printer paper? Oh, God. It wouldn't pick anything off, would it? No, it would just slide. It would just be like a butter knife. Yeah. Oh. I was thinking about thonged bikinis this morning. Great. Because I've got a little spot on my bum. Congratulations. And I'd seen it this morning. I thought, I could never wear one. No. We've had this conversation before. Again, people still wear them on holiday. I find it upsetting.
48:54I find it upsetting. Why? Just find it upsetting. You just don't want to see someone's full arse on holiday, do you? Yeah, there's just no part of us that wants to see someone's full arse. And again, I'm like, that's right up your arse crack, that. How much of a tan do you want? Come on, man. Stop it. They're just fashionable now, I think. That's the crack. Literally. That's the crack. But it's upsetting for us, the rest of the world, who don't want to wear thong bikinis because now all the bikinis are just getting smaller and smaller. Like, I wear massive knickers, you know. And I love them. Oh, I know.
49:29You know. You take them off, the room goes dark. Blot out all the light. Someone put a tent over here. we don't need black gold blinds on holiday so but to find a full I should actually make bikinis a full coverage ass bikini because they are rare nowadays really yeah to get like a stylish one as well they're just getting smaller and smaller and they just cover half your ass and it's like I don't want to constantly be picking out a wedgie on holiday but you can't pick it out otherwise everyone can see your ass crap I would like my arms to be covered there's no picking out it lives there yeah it lives there yeah yeah weird anyway odd Babadoo babadoo babadoo Dear Chris and Rosie Please keep me anonymous Always I have a story From when I went camping Back when we lived in New Zealand With my auntie and uncle When I was about 13 And my siblings 9 and 7 Wow you've had a good life That just sounds really Adventurous and cool Yeah it sounds nice I'd love to go to New Zealand You know Same Yeah Put it on my list Fucking miles though I know Days away I know It's like time away innit I know I hate coming back I hate flying back so much honestly like I can't describe how much I think the key is to you know sometimes if we go on a little road trip with the kids around the country you know that awful summer where we had that motorhome where we go like you know you hop so you go like I still want another one by the way so you go like we'll go to North Yorkshire right and then we'll go further down and then we'll go boom then we'll go south coast you didn't enjoy that back up nope and then we'll go back up and then you know we'll back up North Yorkshire and then we're gone you honestly hand on heart did not enjoy that nope It was only because it was COVID you didn't enjoy it.
51:10If we did it now, you would love it. The only good thing about having a motorhome is you have your own toilet on the motorway. That's it. That's it. You go, I need a piss. I'll just pull over and I'm pissing in my vehicle. Isn't that cool? But, you know, a Pringles tin sorts that out. Not for long, though. It does get soggy. I didn't enjoy it at all. I refused to get another one. Oh, man. I loved it. I refused to get another one. I loved it. Hated it. And the one we had was weird. It was French. So the door was on the other side. I wouldn't get a motorhome again. I just want a caravan. The door was on the other side.
51:41So we had to pull up the other way because... Well, that was an error. Yeah, they're all on the same side, the door. So you open... We opened our door. You could see everyone else's fucking toilet slash cupboard slash bed slash living room slash kitchen. Would you not get just a geek, lush caravan? No. Because do you know what? They exist all over the country. They're called hotels. You literally said the other day, I wouldn't ever stay in a hotel. That's worse than me house. But you want to stay in a fucking tin of farts on wheels. I'm sorry. you think my caravan will be a tin of farts all caravans are tin of farts no they're not it'll be lush it'll be absolutely nip and clean and lush I really want one and then hostile on wheels we can just clamp it up the kids are bigger now we don't have to worry so much they're dangerous to drive as well most crashes on motorways are caravans are involved are they?
52:26yeah 98 % I read no is that bullshit I've never ever I've just made that up I've never drove past an accident on the road where there's a caravan loads of caravans I've never No, don't Google it Don't, I'm already upset Why are you trying to ruin my life? Wow What? Wow It's tiny, isn't it? Wow, that's Minuscule What is it, 4 %? No, don't you dare swipe that off Put, let me see Let me see Let me see, do not Less than 2.6 % I'm really sorry I got out of a height
53:07I am due on right okay there it is oh is it all makes sense yeah always all makes sense but the thing you forget I'm gonna get cancelled because I'm due on you forget though you do this all the time you go I don't know what's wrong with me I'm this I'm that I'm this I'm that oh I'm due on every but every month it's like you forget you have a period I know I think that's what they want me to do right I think that's the whole point you think period want you to forget you have periods no i think it were biologically sort of programmed to forget okay that makes sense oh i read about this scruff in a stupid shithole i've seen something the other day though it's just camping it's actually worse um where it was like um you know how periods and women's sort of internal organs have been um they've done the least amount of research on them bear in mind the uterus literally is the only human organ that monthly sort of like refreshes itself like gets rid of it all of the coat and the lining and then regenerates it's the only human organ that regenerates monthly and they've never hardly done any research on it whatsoever really yeah wow men have never because men have all you know as far as it goes back in time have always been in charge, they've never bothered to do research on the women, on the menstrual cycle.
54:31I don't know what to say to that. I think you should be ashamed of yourself, actually. Oh, sorry. Do you want us to get back in the lab? I think you should go back in time, and you should have a chat with the lads and say, I think we probably need to look at this a bit more, and they'll go, why? What lads do you think I can talk to back in time? Do you think I can just get all the clever lads? All the biologists. Yeah, they were too busy looking at how to maintain erections and making medication for it. Is that true? Yeah, of course it is. They've probably done more research on Viagra and stiffies than they have the female organs.
55:10Do you know 0.2%, 26 % of accidents? Do you know what would make us feel better? What? If we bought a caravan. Right, okay. No. I forgive you. Should we do this? Yeah, let's do it. Sorry, I'm sorry. Guys, I'm sorry. What the fuck? What the fuck? I am broke. And I don't know if them... I'm broke. I don't know if that... I'm angry, I'm broke, and I can't be fixed. Until a week's time where you go, hey, I'm not on anymore. It's great. Carramans are shit, aren't they? I could cry. I'm literally going to cry. I'm going to cry. Don't cry. I'm just... I can't bear it, Chris. What? Just how much I'm a mess.
55:47Yeah, when you do one. I know, Dom. But I understand. I understand. and you're still funny. You can still do your job. You're all good. Do you know what I've just remembered? What? I bought timeouts the other day. I'm going to have one when we're getting in. There's none left. There's none left. Robin, that's the chocolate bar Robin had last night. He had the last one. Fucking hell. I shouldn't have told her. I should have waited until her finish.
56:16She's gone. She's actually crying. Oh, God. Listen, as soon as we finish this, I'll send the files off to Daisy. I'll run to the shop and I'll get you a timeout. I'll get you one with two fingers in it because you're like, two fingers, didn't you? It's just back in the room.
56:40Two fingers in the back of a caravan. Sums you up. Right. I'm honestly so easily pleased. Oh, God. Come on, then. Finish the story. Go and camping in New Zealand when they lived there with their auntie and uncle and their siblings. Go. We were camping in almost the middle of Norway. I would rather have a Toffee Crisp. It was just because I had thought I had the Toffee Crisp. As soon as I do it, I'll go straight to the shop. I promise. You might have to go to B &M because I don't think they do them. I think you have to buy them in big packets. They don't do them singularly in the shops anymore.
57:15Whatever. Thank you. Love you, mate. We were camping in almost the middle of Norway. so we had I've just I've just remembered my clubs I'm asking can I quickly finish clean my clubs I'll get them out of the sink and then I'll go we had to bring our own camping toilet which we managed oh glamorous despite forgetting we needed a tent to go with it we then had to improvise with a normal tent which was quite notably shorter than one normally used sorry so right so they've brought a camping toilet gross and then you need the camping toilet needs to go in its own tent yes apparently so delicious um so they've instead
57:59i'm only just learning it so instead of right so they've done a normal one which obviously you can't sit up in on a toilet i'm guessing yeah oh god and this is a fucking holiday stop it all is well my sister and i are playing catch with a frisbee not far from the spot in which we were camping. My sister throws the frisbee too far so I go to retrieve it. As I'm going to retrieve it I happen to look in the direction of the toilet I then to my horror see my uncle pantless outside the toilet tent wiping his arse out in the oven
58:41We're all going on a summer holiday There's your uncle wiping his arse crack you forgot the bog ten so we'll shit in the normal one for a week or two it'll stink of poo awful what a horrible way to live I unfortunately saw his bare backside as well as my younger sister our auntie then lures us away as we hear her yell at him in the distance I assume the reasoning behind his behavior was because he was simply too tall to wipe inside the chest. Jesus Christ. Oh, God. But I still don't understand why he did it in round about eight kids. Our cousins were also there. He might be a pervert. It's great.
59:30This image is still embedded into mine and my sister's to this day. I can see it. And we still joke about it every now and again. I can see him now. I can see him. Big white pale arse standing outside of the tent that he's just like crawled out. So he's shatting it. He's crawled out of it with a shitty arse and he's standing outside of it. How can he arse crack? And then putting it... God almighty! Go and stay in a B &B! Oh, for fuck... Honestly, I refuse to holiday anywhere where there isn't actual plumbing. I refuse. I'll only just go to Greece where you've got to put it in the bin. Where you've got to put the bog roll in the bin next to the toilet.
1:00:08That's upsetting. I am not spending my free time anywhere where I'm not shitting into work and plumbing and I'm not going back on that. But the irony is, on most campsites, there is toilets. There is plumbing and toilets. Yeah, the communal toilet. Yeah, definitely. All right. Yeah, 100%. Yeah. All right. Don't snag them off because honestly, some of them are really lovely. You can't... It's personal preference. It's personal preference. But I... All right. Well, we'll disagree on that because I think camping and caravans like mint. I think it's class and I think kids love it. But this is grim.
1:00:38This is upsetting. Yeah. The camping toilet in the tent that's too big for the uncle is very upsetting. and I would be really upset if I'd gone to catch my little frisbee when I was nine and I saw my uncle wiping his arse. That would really upset me. It's ruined my day and I'm not even related to the man. It's really bad. And you know, and he probably has a job in that and he probably, you know, he's probably paid to go there. My point is these places are filled with people who will happily wipe their arse out in the open and that's my issue. Right. I'm not going. There you go. Okay. There you go.
1:01:08Would you have just bent down in the tent? I wouldn't have gone. Well, okay, but you, alright you have to have gone they'd have went Uncle Chris are you coming on holiday and I went where they'd have went camping we're taking a stop you there stop you there I'm not coming and then everyone would have slyly gone oh get in good yeah yeah and they'd come back and they'd go oh we forgot the tent for the toilet I got a class you know what I did I shattered my toilet in the house it's great you're such a miserable bastard I'm not you're a snob you're a snob yeah yeah 100 % 100 % glad that everyone knows yeah Oh Chris Ramsey showed his true colours One shit in a small tent And you've got to squat in the middle of the field Then wipe your arse with all nature to see Oh snob Full snob That's being a snob Call me a snob You've always been a snob actually Mankey Camp and toilet Someone's got to clean that Probably him
1:02:13Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode. Sorry, I'm a bit emotional. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what's going on. Let them all know that you're actually okay. You're just... Oh, I'm fine. I'm absolutely fine. You're going to get your toffee crisp now. Yes. Thank you, darling. And everything's going to be good. Yeah. So there we go. Guys, my tour is on sale now. I'm going out September, October, November. And I think a little bit of the beginning of December as well. Can't remember. All over the UK. Places I've been before. Places I've never been. They're all on my website.
1:02:39ChrisRamseyComedy.com It's really good. thank you very much and I've got J &S next week yes so if you like the theatre and you're in South Shield if you want to come you can come but mainly but mainly chriswamsiecomedy.com for tickets for September and save your money save your money don't worry about the J &S you've heard the singing on you go to the Chris Wamsie I'm joking it's called Hey Mr Composer it's at the customs house I'll be going with the dance it'll be great you will yes no it's amateur it's amateur dramatics it's not going to blow your mind again mine is professional it's very lovely and it's supporting and local theatre.
1:03:12Professional top fly comedy supporting a local lad. It's not a competition. There's months between them. Yeah, just in case. Great. Just in case you put them all off. Great. You're singing. You do sad songs, I bet you do. Loads of sad songs. Guys, we'll be back in the years next week. Bye. Capture your favourite summer feeling with Pandora jewellery. Discover a collection inspired by the sunshine, freedom, and moments that make the season unforgettable. From sun-kissed medals to personalized pieces ready to be engraved with your summer mantra. Each design moves with you from beach days to golden nights and every memory in between.
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From the publisher
On this week's podcast Chris and Rosie discuss Chris's Golf Trip, 90's parenting, the importance of boredom and why Rosie loves slagging of Chris to the kids...
There's Beefs, QFTP's, shopping substitutions and a camping toilet story!
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