A bribe, a Tom Jones obsession and some hidden Easter Eggs!

4:38Rosie Ramsey:should we join the park run no no okay no no god no oh oh no I think we drink too much we drink too much to join something that early in the morning

4:50Chris Ramsey:Running is a solitary affair. I don't understand people going running in groups. I've never understood it. Do you want to go running? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you want to go with 20 ,000 people? Wait, no. I'll put Netflix on and go on the treadmill.

5:00Rosie Ramsey:Can you really? I'm just not going to have a fucking running.

5:03Chris Ramsey:I don't like being on a busy pavement.

5:05Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. Running is a solitary thing. On the Peloton when they say you should be able to hold a conversation, I'm like, I don't want to have a conversation right now.

5:11Chris Ramsey:Conversational pace.

5:11Rosie Ramsey:I want to just concentrate on me breathing. Doesn't exist. Doing all me stuff.

5:14Chris Ramsey:By the way, what I was going to say was you cut us off. They did it with Jet Li ages ago. they did a photo of him like from one of his films of like the early noughties and then a photo of him someone had spotted him now and they're like he's aged yes yes he's aged just because you're famous it doesn't mean you don't age I mean some people are aging incredibly some people age wonderfully oh yeah of course

5:34Rosie Ramsey:and as well we've spoke about this before I think people think that once someone's famous they have to just be famous forever like they're never allowed to change their mind like they have to just be that person forever and like that doesn't happen does it yeah

5:48Chris Ramsey:well sometimes but you know

5:49Rosie Ramsey:well you know I would say 8 out of 10

5:52Chris Ramsey:I think some people Paul Rudd Paul Rudd the man has an age of fucking day he looks amazing but you know good genes good genetics probably moisturiser like a motherfucker

6:00Rosie Ramsey:yeah

6:01Chris Ramsey:so listen

6:02Rosie Ramsey:probably has tweakments as well

6:03Chris Ramsey:tweakments or one little tiny ones that don't allegedly allegedly allegedly allegedly

6:09Rosie Ramsey:sneaky sneaky

6:10Chris Ramsey:yes guys thank you so much for being here thank you so much for listening thank you for being part of Shagmary Nord if you'd like to like and subscribe and all that shit that would be really helpful probably not very convincing when I say all that shit but there we go. It is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. Rosie, it's happening. It's happening. This week's sponsor is... Light Mornings.

6:27Rosie Ramsey:Oh.

6:28Chris Ramsey:The Light Mornings are back. It's here. I wake up. I look at the curtain. There's a crack of light.

6:36Rosie Ramsey:Yeah.

6:36Chris Ramsey:There's a... What's happening? Yeah. Is there a fire? Is there a lighthouse? No. Has someone parked a car? No. It's daylight. It's spring. Oh, God, it's happening. Is it spring? I don't know. but the other day but it's mad how you forget though isn't it because the other day the other evening I went to take the bins out I walked in the back garden and it was still light in the back garden at like it was only about quarter to five and I was like the hills are just amazing

7:00Rosie Ramsey:the kids were playing outside last night unbelievable

7:01Chris Ramsey:after school

7:03Rosie Ramsey:absolutely amazing and I was just so happy about it

7:04Chris Ramsey:and we live in the north as well so we're probably getting the shittest version of that so if you live down in the south and you're getting actual warmth fuck me congratulations and have we become those old fuckers who talk about and whinge about the weather yes we have yes we have hard lines yes we have

7:16Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, because it affects your mental health and it's nice to be back. It really does. We're back, baby. Back, bitches. We had a fight about the jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. So this is the jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle.

7:42Rosie Ramsey:Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagmored Annoyed. Hello. Like I said before, hope you're all well. And it is just a bit intense.

7:50Chris Ramsey:At the minute.

7:51Rosie Ramsey:Out there.

7:52Chris Ramsey:Yes.

7:52Rosie Ramsey:But we are here. You're on tour still?

7:55Chris Ramsey:I am on tour still. Lovely, going well. As I like to call it at the moment. So there's two jobs I've got at the minute. My first job, three jobs. One job's the podcast, obviously. Love it a bit. Wouldn't change it for the world. Great. Would I change my co-host? No, no, I wouldn't. I'm all right with that as well.

8:11Rosie Ramsey:Shake it. Listen. Shake it up. Try. Give it a try.

8:14Chris Ramsey:Well, I am working on a clone. Oh, thank you. I am working on a clone. Personally. Yeah, it's just great. You go, will you meet her?

8:24Chris Ramsey:Honestly, do you know what I've done? What? I've evolved a period out of her. She never has a period, which is amazing.

8:29Rosie Ramsey:Oh, my God. Oh, amazing. If I didn't have a period, I think I'd be the perfect woman. What?

8:35Chris Ramsey:Yeah, you would, yeah. Don't you think? I'm totally joking. I'm sorry. So, oh, my God. I think I briefly mentioned your period on stage the other night when I was on tour and I think there was a lady in the crowd who mustn't listen regularly to the podcast and was just like like was like mortified that I was mentioning my wife's period and I was like you're not up to date are you I was like you don't you don't understand that the period is the third host of the podcast

8:57Rosie Ramsey:but is it not good that men talk about periods I said that Robin's had the oh Robin's getting the big chat today at school isn't he the big chat the big chat not the sex education chat because they already had that which was mortifying last year awful awful awful I don't feel like that should have happened but that's by the by it's done now I don't feel like I was warned about it. And then I just sort of got told. And I was like, okay, anyway. That's by the way, it's happened. The big chat about. And I said to him this morning. I said, what are they going to talk about? Tiddlers and periods. And what did he say?

9:26Rosie Ramsey:He was just like, oh, shut up.

9:29Chris Ramsey:Shut up. He was mortified. I told you, didn't I? Yesterday we were in the car. And I said, you know what I mean, Jellybean? I just said, you know what I mean? And I left a little gap. And I went, Jellybean? And he went, don't you ever.

9:41Rosie Ramsey:And I was like, what the? That's not even that bad. On the subject of him, I forgot to tell you about this. Right. Do you know the other day when they were just being dicks? Well, most days. Narrow it down.

9:50Chris Ramsey:Most days.

9:51Rosie Ramsey:Anyway.

9:53Chris Ramsey:Sorry, let's check my diary. Oh, that was every... I'm going to need more specifics. It was just a day when they were being dicks. Right.

10:00Rosie Ramsey:I said to Robin, I don't know if you... You might not have been here, but you might have been downstairs. I can't remember. Anyway, he was going to bed. And I said to him, and I was like, I'm sick of everyone being rude in this house. I'm sick of no one listening. I was just doing one of them rants. I had a rant. He was reading his book and I was just having a rant. And then I said, do you know what it is? I went, yes, we'll be gutted. I think it was one of them pity me moments. I went, if I packed my bags and I left this house, yes, we'll be gutted, which I hate actually because is that like what narcissistic parents do?

10:29Rosie Ramsey:Possibly. Possibly, yeah. Probably, anyway. Listen, when your back's against the wall,

10:32Chris Ramsey:you pull out the old narcissistic parents stuff. Come on.

10:35Rosie Ramsey:Well, I know. I just had a moment. I felt sorry for myself. Anyway, all he did, so I was like, and I would leave this house and I'll never come back. And he literally looked up from his book and he just went, that's a bit dark, isn't it? And carried on reading. Couldn't give a shit. Well. I thought, well.

10:52Chris Ramsey:I just think you pull them out now and then. You really do. Like, I went, I paid him to leave a skateboard party the other day. We'd been there for so long. You paid him? I paid him. I went, if we leave now, you can have 20 pounds. I need to leave. I would be in there for four and a half hours. It was fucking freezing. I was sick.

11:06Rosie Ramsey:Why? You did not say, you did not tell me that you paid him to leave Chris that is horrendous I managed to change it

11:13Chris Ramsey:at the last minute I managed to change it and say look you did so well in the competition that you know you got up they did the competition everyone was watching you now they had to take turns someone was on the microphone they were like next to the ramp sits Robin Ramsey and he had to do all the stuff it was amazing and I was like yeah pay to leave slash you did really well why didn't you just say we're going now

11:33Rosie Ramsey:what the you are you are ruining these kids you're actually ruining these kids

11:38Chris Ramsey:Should I have packed my bags and tell them I was leaving them there, should I? Pick your fucking side, will you?

11:43Rosie Ramsey:I'd rather they'd be sort of emotionally scarred from the possibility of we're leaving, the threat of we're leaving, than they're getting 20 quid, just whenever they want.

11:52Chris Ramsey:It was 12 quid in the end. The thing he wanted was 12 quid. I kept the eight quid. His actual words were, I'll let you keep that eight quid, Dad, because that was clearly a bribe. Why am I telling you?

12:06Rosie Ramsey:Why are you telling me? Why do you do this? why do you keep doing this and then do you know what really do you know what's the most upsetting this is being a beef because they'll do something and you go these children are spoiled rotten and I'm like well because you because you bribe them to leave places you moron you say get your stuff we're leaving now or I'm going to pack my clothes

12:29Rosie Ramsey:listen love

12:30Chris Ramsey:listen

12:30Rosie Ramsey:stop stop it though Rosie please no you buy the McDonald's every week

12:34Chris Ramsey:Rosie can you stop I've got a shiny

12:36Rosie Ramsey:You're not the favourite parent.

12:38Chris Ramsey:I have a shiny£20 note if you stop talking about this. I've got a shiny£20 note for you if you just leave this. If you forget about all this now. You're a moron.

12:43Rosie Ramsey:You're a moron.

12:44Chris Ramsey:I've got a shiny£20 note for you.

12:45Rosie Ramsey:Well, good luck because actually they're clever, right? And they do realise that, you know, sometimes we are a team, but sometimes we're very much not, right? And I think that's because we're both fiercely independent. So they will know, oh, mum doesn't just give us stuff, but dad does. So good luck. So good luck. They're going to bleed you dry. And who are they not going to bleed dry? Okay. me right so so there you go all right fine they'll they will be like dad's pushover he'll buy us that

13:13Chris Ramsey:he'll get us this now it depends what day you catches on because sometimes i'm an absolute pushover sometimes i'm absolutely always a pushover you're always a pushover you buy

13:21Rosie Ramsey:literally the amount of times they come home every time you go to the supermarket you buy them something not ridiculous though just like a suite or something it's not like toys every time every time Chris you're a mug you're a fool you're a fool do you know what I buy them they get a pack of raisins out the one they're the mug pack that I bought yes they do or what do you want from the shop

13:41Chris Ramsey:you can have a brioche

13:43Rosie Ramsey:out of the pack that I bought and that's it

13:45Chris Ramsey:alright okay

13:46Rosie Ramsey:I don't buy them enough all me alright okay

13:50Chris Ramsey:noted noted listen do you want to hear about your jobs three jobs right as I was saying anyway podcast right like I said definitely changing the host co-host stand up and my other job is coming home and trying my best not to get fucking coughed and sneezed on so that I'm ill when I go back out on tour I've known nothing like it the pair of them just but at you just in your face just sitting like that I feel wind I just feel wind from coughs on my body the whole time

14:19Rosie Ramsey:is this is this you trying to prepare me for you just not coming home at all this is what this feels like

14:27Chris Ramsey:I just need to stay I just need to stay what are these to do? I need a quarantine. I just need a quarantine so I can still do the gigs. Well, wasn't it,

14:34Rosie Ramsey:was it, I don't want to like dig them out, but we interviewed a pop star. We've interviewed a couple of pop stars who tell us that when they finish tour, they'll go and just stay in a hotel for a week

14:44Chris Ramsey:to decompress. Oh God, yeah, I don't want to say who it was, but I've told loads of people this. But someone who we have interviewed a couple of times, who's a musician and a famous man, told us of another even more famous guy who when he finishes as a massive world tour, stays in a hotel around the corner from his house and just pops in for a couple extra hours per day just to get you that. I mean, that's the fucking life, innit? I mean... That's the fucking life, innit? I'm going to say who it was, actually. I'm not going to say who told her, but I'm going to say who it was. No, why? Just so everyone knows who it was.

15:18No, an anonymity.

15:20Rosie Ramsey:Alright, yeah. I'm going to have some trust. Oh, well, yeah, but I don't know this guy. I don't actually remember who it was.

15:23Chris Ramsey:It was Bono. It was Bono? I got told that Bono comes back from a massive tour. I mean, and their tours are mental. I mean, and you two do separate planes. They don't travel together in case they all die and the whole band's gone. So they go on separate planes. Right. So he comes back and apparently just stays in a hotel around the corner and just comes in for a couple hours and then fucks off back at the hotel, stays one night, comes in six hours the next day, fucks off back at the hotel, just drip feeds himself back to his family. He's used to his family. It's mad.

15:54Rosie Ramsey:How are the other half living it? Oh, it's mad.

15:56Chris Ramsey:It's just great, isn't it? Imagine that.

15:57Rosie Ramsey:Ah, I'd be raging.

15:58Chris Ramsey:No.

15:59Rosie Ramsey:I'd be like, dip in your toe in again, are you? Eh? I stayed an extra half now. I do have your dickhead. Well, I just think, do you know what it is, right? In his defence, it's the way that you choose to live your life. Yeah. We, you know, which is not, I don't want to talk. No. What am I going to say?

16:19Chris Ramsey:What are you going to say? Quick, say something you're going to regret that you have to wake up in the middle of the night. Remember, then text easy. It's not that I'm going to regret it. You're going to take note of the podcast.

16:24Rosie Ramsey:I just, we are in a financial position where we could live a very different life to what we do. But it's because I feel like I need to see my kids all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's the kind of mom and family that I had and I want that for my kids and you're the same. So like, so you could go and stay in a hotel down the road for a week, but I would be like, Rosie, I've got to. Sorry, what are you doing? Listen to me. The kids need work. Listen to me right now

16:47Chris Ramsey:and this is from the bottom of my heart. I don't like any of the hotels around here, which I have looked into, so I'm not going to do it.

16:52Rosie Ramsey:No, actually this is the difference. we're like we're talking we're seeing you talking a lot here but the difference is you would love to do that

16:58Chris Ramsey:100 % honestly someone open a nice little hotel around here South Shields get open put a nice one and I can come I'll go out your kidneys I'll be there full time I'll just pop in now and then pop in bed and bath bed and bath see you later I know

17:12Rosie Ramsey:do you think Bono gets up at 5 o 'clock with his kids and then does a show

17:16Chris Ramsey:his kids must be grown up now

17:17Rosie Ramsey:I don't know if he's got kids to rent with you no so it's

17:20Chris Ramsey:sorry so it's just he's

17:22Rosie Ramsey:I think it's just his life it's an hotel just goes and sees his wife

17:26Chris Ramsey:that's enough love can't we can't be seeing you anymore love we've done two hours love we'll be back in the morning I don't know if that's sort of

17:34Rosie Ramsey:is he Irish he is Irish yes

17:36Chris Ramsey:I don't know you didn't start a business just to keep the lights on you're here to sell more today than yesterday you're here to win lucky for you Shopify built the best converting checkout on the planet like the just one tapping ridiculously fast acting sky high sales stacking championed checkouts that's the good stuff right there so if your business is in it to win it win with shopify start your free trial today

18:06Rosie Ramsey:at shopify.com slash win i forgot to tell you something last week okay so um me and carl uh

18:15Chris Ramsey:i went to do jiu-jitsu with some lads in milton keynes right and then carl found like a little I think I told you Carl found this little health club thing around the corner where we went and had a sauna in that afterwards. Basically, because I didn't want to do jiu-jitsu. What? What? What's that look for?

18:30Rosie Ramsey:Just must be nice.

18:32Chris Ramsey:Where we went and we did all that.

18:34Rosie Ramsey:You're going to go on tour again next year?

18:36Chris Ramsey:Eh? What?

18:38Rosie Ramsey:You're doing it again next year?

18:40Chris Ramsey:Listen, I swore blind on this podcast that I wasn't going to add any dates. I'm assuming I'm probably going to add some dates because I'm a massive hypocrite.

18:47Rosie Ramsey:Before the tour started, you were just like, You know, you're a bit sad and you're saying you're going to miss her and miss the kids and that. And honestly, I haven't really seen that follow through. You don't seem sad at all. Yeah, actually, if anything, you seem a lot happier.

19:02Chris Ramsey:Rosie, I am. Listen, you and, is it Robert and Steve? What are they called? What are them two? You and them two kids mean so much to me. You and Peter and Richard? It's Richard. One of them begins with an R. you and them Baines I honestly I love you so much I can barely concentrate on me day trips jiu-jitsu and you know am I taking my golf clubs tomorrow yes I am taking my golf clubs tomorrow have I booked a full round of golf in one of the days that I'm away yes but I will be thinking of you and the kids I am sugar the entire time that I'm there what were you saying what I'm saying was right so we went to this gym it was really weird it was like a little sort of really like I can't remember what it was called but I think Carl put it on his Instagram it was a really like Instagramable little cool health club thing.

19:48Chris Ramsey:It was like, I don't know if this, I don't know if this makes sense as an analogy, but it was like, if Hollyoaks did a gym, that's kind of what it felt like. It was like young and cool and a lot of, a lot of wood and like black, black shower heads.

20:01Rosie Ramsey:Do you know what?

20:02Chris Ramsey:What?

20:03Rosie Ramsey:Using Hollyoaks as a reference.

20:04Chris Ramsey:Bad, innit? Am I old?

20:06Rosie Ramsey:That's, yeah.

20:08Chris Ramsey:Yeah.

20:08Rosie Ramsey:Like there's a lot more now, really, that you could have said.

20:11Chris Ramsey:It was just dead fucking cool. Right, okay. But I don't know.

20:13Rosie Ramsey:Bratzomer? Like that sort of. I don't know what that is. Right. well just like Bridgerton

20:18Chris Ramsey:if Bridgerton did a gym would that work

20:19Rosie Ramsey:I mean was it is that what the kids are watching I don't know is that old

20:23Chris Ramsey:is that medieval not Bridgerton then what's the other one what's the one where the spunk drinks spunk out of a bath salt burn that one if they did a gym

20:30Rosie Ramsey:that's actually that's I don't think that's in this time either no is it

20:33Chris Ramsey:I missed that euphoria if euphoria did a gym it's a good pony in it listen it was a fucking cool gym is all I'm saying right well no okay

20:40Rosie Ramsey:I still don't know what it looks like though you have not because hot yokes is a gym is really not like I haven't watched Hollyoaks since I think I was about 19

20:51Chris Ramsey:imagine an Instagram influencer opened a gym okay and he's got tattoos and he's got fucking bright white teeth this isn't the guy the guy who owned it looked nothing like this but the person you can imagine really good looking fella you know like the good looking couples like the good looking couples and she's standing next to him and she's doing that thing that makes her arse stick out and they're going welcome to her gym and everything's black and it's all cool and there's little squeegees in the showers that were black and you squeegee I'm not describing it very well and if anything i might be putting people off but it's fucking awesome place

21:18Rosie Ramsey:you have described it a lot better because you said you said holly oaks right and that is

21:24Chris Ramsey:the gladiators all right imagine the gladiators open the gym it would look like this gone the right i don't know what i'm talking about it's a fucking nice gym right it had a cold plunge it had all this stuff right we had to get right the guy who owned it came in and said hello it was the next day when we booked it the night before me and carl and carl and obviously because i wanted to have a shower i didn't want to do jiu-jitsu and then sit in the car to brighton for ages right so I phoned I phoned them up and I was like um do you provide towels and they were like no and then I went do you have lockers and they went yes now apparently because Carl phoned up and booked both of us under one address to stay there and then I phoned up and asked if they had lockers there was like it flagged up on their system and they had to like background check and then check on when we came in and be like cagey with what because phoning up and asking if you've got lockers and booking off a dick off two people off one address is apparently what thieves do who come to gyms and just rob all the lockers these are a couple of dithy real old men

22:18Rosie Ramsey:just fucking twats like I'm sorry

22:24Chris Ramsey:bad innit but he was like he was like oh well like the staff were like on alert it was like when these two come in like keep an eye on them and that and they were fucking following around but it was because that's what people do they come in and they just nick out with their lockers and then they leave apparently but then none of that

22:38Rosie Ramsey:right okay that whole story was one of the worst stories you've ever told on the podcast and I'm it made no fucking sense okay it was shit okay do you want to retract the whole thing and get it taken out

22:51Chris Ramsey:I want to retract everything I just said

22:52Rosie Ramsey:because that that was we'll never get those five minutes back all you wanted to say was that just thought you were dodgy thought you were robbing I thought I was a criminal great I thought I was a criminal that's it wonderful that's it should we go straight to questions because it's a really slow is that all you've got is that all you've got to say right all you've got to say is that you and Carl are really old and live in the past and you just ring up about lockers and booking under different addresses and you used Hollyoaks as a reference don't ever do that again I think is it still on it probably is still on I think is Hollyoaks still on I think so I got off a pile on Hollyoaks once good for you I don't want to upset anybody because I think it is but I just don't think it's our okay reference so I'm still doing Pilates yay

23:41Chris Ramsey:yeah which is nice are there lockers there

23:45Rosie Ramsey:there's actually not there's no lockers and it's just like places to put your coat and your shoes but I take me back in where there's like a little old lady because I don't leave me back

23:53Chris Ramsey:see well you're fucking slagging me off you're old as fuck as well

23:55Rosie Ramsey:no no but I didn't sorry I didn't write down in me notes tell Chris and everyone listening that I take me back in Pilates listen it's not all

24:05Chris Ramsey:fucking gold right some stuff I'll tell you and you might have something to spin off from sometimes you don't and I'm just talking into the fucking ether.

24:11Rosie Ramsey:Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba.

24:12Chris Ramsey:Here's something that makes me and Carl sound even more pathetic, by the way.

24:15Rosie Ramsey:What?

24:16Chris Ramsey:So this week just gone, I did Halifax, Stockton, Stockton. We drove there and back every single night. Because Carl gets off stage an hour and a half before me or whatever, Carl drove himself as well. Do you know on the drive to Halifax, Carl was in the car behind when I was in the car in front and we were on the phone talking for nearly the entire day.

24:39Chris Ramsey:i said this is fucking pathetic i was like this is what like this is what like brand new couples do

24:45Rosie Ramsey:like no you've got a lovely friendship i think it's really important but it was like we couldn't

24:50Chris Ramsey:right so he set off at whatever time for me lives in newcastle i live in southfield so he'd set off at whatever time and then i got picked up by me to our manager and i got taken down and he phoned to ask about there was a road closed and he phoned to ask about it and then we stayed on the phone and we just we were like i was like we've just gone past like a bakery you see the bakery yet and he was like no and then two minutes later I'd be like I've gone past it now and we're so excited and I went why is this so exciting we're going to the same place obviously we're following the same route why is it so exciting and he said because we're set off at different times from different places and we've ended up on the same roads and at one point he was behind us in the van I couldn't contain myself I was so excited but I finished a banana and I did consider throwing the banana skin over the top of the cart because we do play a lot of Mario Kart but the two I imagine I told us I couldn't

25:34Rosie Ramsey:Babadoo Babadoo Babadoo Ba

25:35Chris Ramsey:It's time for Oh, what's your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? Now, I have been, you know, a delight when I come back, picking up the reins, being amazing, and I've been away for quite a lot, so I can't have annoyed you then, so there can't be much things that you have beef with me this week.

25:50Rosie Ramsey:You're not actually wrong. Really? I don't. Well, because you haven't really been here. Wow. I wouldn't say you've been a delight. You've been very tiptoe-y, which annoys us.

25:58Chris Ramsey:Right.

25:59Rosie Ramsey:Like, just like...

26:00Chris Ramsey:Well, because I don't want to come back and, like, you know, swing my dick around and piss you off. So I'm very, like, you know...

26:06Rosie Ramsey:I do have one beef. Brilliant.

26:08Chris Ramsey:It's actually different from the one I was going to say.

26:09Rosie Ramsey:Didn't take long. What's happening with us cooking? Because you're just getting me away.

26:13Chris Ramsey:Right.

26:14Rosie Ramsey:But I think I get in your way as well.

26:17Chris Ramsey:Well, yesterday I was cooking.

26:19Rosie Ramsey:No, you're okay. This is more of me beef. You always want to empty the dishwasher. That's stupid dishwasher when I'm cooking. Right. I just get in my way.

26:28Chris Ramsey:Okay.

26:29Rosie Ramsey:And I hate you.

26:33Chris Ramsey:I have to empty it. because you're using all the shit and then you need stuff so you're getting stuff out of it and I think well I'll empty it then but then you're using so much fucking shit I need to empty it to put it back because we're running out of bench space because you just fucking ignore it. Ugh. Hate it. Let's go paper plates. Paper plates.

26:48Rosie Ramsey:They do that in America. It blows my mind. Really? Oh my god. Oh you're not in TikTok are you? TikTok. I'm not in TikTok. You're not on TikTok. I meant to say on. Sorry. You're not on TikTok. There's loads of videos on TikTok where they're just mums not very many dads not many men do it it's mostly women just plating up dinner in America on paper plates and then they just hide them all in the bin Jesus fucking Christ

27:14Chris Ramsey:I don't know what the carbon footprint of a dishwasher or a shit load of hot water to wash plates versus throwing them away is but I'm gonna put my money where my mouth is and say that I imagine just using paper plates and slinging them away is worse for the environment than just washing your dishes

27:29Rosie Ramsey:who knows I don't believe anything anymore brilliant probably be Jim Carrey in a mask. The mask?

27:37Chris Ramsey:Sorry, if you just put two and two together there. Because some guy said it was him in a mask in your...

27:43Rosie Ramsey:The film?

27:44Chris Ramsey:Yeah. You've just... God. My beef with you. Yes. And you are... You haven't just read it off me. No, I can't read that though. Good. And you are... That sounds like a lie. I can't. You are going to be mortified. There's going to be egg on your face here. Last night, it wasn't a beef against me, but I'm beefing on behalf of Rafe. Last night, Rafe got Star of the Week at school. Came in, he was buzzing. Got Star of the Week, got his little certificate, his little pen, his little toy, everything. Very proud of him. He'd finished all his dinner. And I said...

28:14Rosie Ramsey:I told you to.

28:17Chris Ramsey:There it is. I love it when it takes you a while to click on. So he finished all his dinner. And I said, you know what? You've been such a good boy. You got Star of the Week. Would you like some chocolate? And he said yes. And I went, okay. And I went in the fridge and I got an Easter egg out because we went to a restaurant on Saturday night, me and you, and we had the kids. We had a lovely night now, but we had quite a bit of wine. And afterwards, I went to the shop. But we didn't get a dessert. We didn't get a dessert. Afterwards, I went to the shop and I got two Easter eggs. You had forgotten about the second Easter egg.

28:44Chris Ramsey:So I went in the fridge and I got this. How drunk was I? I was really drunk. And I got this Easter egg out and you were like, where the fuck did you get that? And I was like, oh, we bought it the other night. And I was like, I'm just going to open some for Rafe. And he went, no, don't you dare. and she wrestled it off us guys she wrestled it off us right put it in the fridge went in the other cupboard and went Rafe do you want a Kit Kat and he got a Kit Kat instead of some chocolate egg

29:07Rosie Ramsey:he loves Kit Kat he calls them Cat Cats

29:09Chris Ramsey:Cat Cats he loves Cat Cats he's so canny in me sorry he loves a Kit Kat

29:14Rosie Ramsey:he doesn't know he does not need to know it's unbelievable if either if them two know that that Easter egg is in that fridge it'll be gone yeah and then who's not going to enjoy the Easter egg Muggins here no unbelievable I'm sorry oh I'm sorry unbelievable You're getting 20 quids left around and left. I can't speak. Right in center.

29:33Chris Ramsey:Yes, one. Would you pay them to not eat that Easter egg? No. It's the last Easter egg in the land, right? You are on your period and hungover. Oh, God. And there's just the Easter egg left, and they both want the Easter egg, but you've got 40 pound in your hand to give them 20 pound each, or they're going to eat that Easter egg, what would you do?

30:00Rosie Ramsey:I'd give them the money.

30:01Chris Ramsey:And there it is. But that's...

30:02Rosie Ramsey:I rest my case,

30:06Chris Ramsey:you filthy hypocrite.

30:09Rosie Ramsey:You're here now.

30:12Chris Ramsey:It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Public. As always, if you'd like to get in touch, it is shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com. And if you'd like to send a voice note to our WhatsApp, app. The number is 07874 406650 and it's on the podcast page on your little podcast app. So you can just click it on there really. But I've said it anyway. Congratulations. And I will, will I learn it? Will I fog?

30:39Rosie Ramsey:You don't need to learn it. You can have, you can have your tools around you. Yeah. Like, you know.

30:44Chris Ramsey:I can read it out. I should write it down on me. I should write it down on me mic stand. There's a good idea. I'll look forward to forgetting to do that.

30:51Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, great. Right. I've got these voice notes, which I totally forgot. I've only listened to a few of them, so I don't... But Daisy sent them, so they should be good. Just smash them. Smash through them. Let's go. Hey, Chris and Rosie. So my partner would probably kill me if he knew I was sending this in.

31:09Chris Ramsey:Juicy.

31:09Rosie Ramsey:But I just had to do it. So last year, he decided he wanted to lose weight. He didn't want to do the jabs. So he decided to take these slimming tablets. now these slimming tablets strip all of the fat out of the food you're eating so you can imagine what they do to you he took a slimming tablet on his birthday and on his birthday that night we were going out for a curry with all of our friends so in his infinite wisdom he thought he'd take a tablet that day go to the next day and he comes in absolutely traumatized to the bedroom to tell me that he has shat out pure orange oil. And he wasn't lying, because even though he flushed the toilet, the whole toilet was orange.

31:56Rosie Ramsey:It's like someone had sprayed it with orange oil. And that is what he did for two days. And that day I thought, let me change the bed. As I've taken off the bottom sheet, there was an orange splatter across our mattress. So clearly, in the night, he decided to do a little pop and in that pop he pebble dashed spray painted our bed with orange oil it took a whole new meaning to you've been tangoed do you know what i've i've heard of that before they're quite old school them i used to work with someone that sounds fucking terrible yeah they take like all of the fat out of everything you eat so you do kind of just excrete like oil and all that kind of stuff oh god me so like right so some curries when you get them

32:50Chris Ramsey:you know from a place that they'll have that like layer on top you're telling me that layer on top that stuff that when it gets it's on your fingers for days he was just firing that out of his back end for days yeah that that's that's horrendous i'm sorry why is the first thing i go to he must

33:08Rosie Ramsey:have been wiping for hours i know why did he take it on his birthday surely on your birthday you go

33:14Chris Ramsey:i'm having the night off it's a weird time so i don't understand what the do something to your insides that makes you not get take any of the fat in apparently that can't be good for you just go through all the way through you oh god grim not good ready no i'm not hi chris and rosie so i've

33:36Rosie Ramsey:just listened to the episode where you were talking about the guy that got his dick stuck in a Listerine bottle and it's reminded me of my very first boyfriend and he was 17. He, so just for context, just to give you a bit of info about the type of person he was, we were together for about six to eight months. I absolutely idolized him, you know, first boyfriend, tall dark handsome etc um he was a little bit odd when i think back actually very odd he was probably tom jones's biggest fan at the age of 17 um he wore crocodile skin type shoes because tom jones wore shoes like that he also wore like a gold signet ring on his little finger because tom Jones wore that on his finger and he would listen to so much of his music that he wasn't really up to date with like modern music because he loved Tom Jones that much.

34:35Rosie Ramsey:He also had this obsession with tigers so his bedroom as a 17 year old boy living at home with his parents was covered in photographs signed pictures of Tom Jones and then tigers in the wild. Yeah so the Listerine situation he's like a sitcom character awful but we've all gone out with people like this come on think back

35:01Chris Ramsey:leather jackets did you say leather jackets or have I just put them in one of my head she says crocodile shoes crocodile shoes as well just for a second there when she said she went she said he's obsessed with Tom Jones then she jumped the tigers and she went in his room signed she said signed photos of I thought she was going to say tiger I thought she was going to say

35:23Rosie Ramsey:oh I thought she was going to say dumb drones with tigers like

35:26Chris Ramsey:like the tiger he got a photo of a tiger from a zoo and then they'd like put its paw print on a little bit of ink and he was like have you seen that there's a tiger sign so weird isn't it I've

35:37Rosie Ramsey:no but when you think back I don't know how many girlfriends you've had in the past but I had like a lot of boyfriend

35:42Chris Ramsey:oh I've lost count millions

35:44Rosie Ramsey:some weird ones when you go what I just

35:48Chris Ramsey:I find I find people absolutely fascinating who go right I'm going to pick one or two things and that's me done

35:56Rosie Ramsey:to be obsessed with

35:58Chris Ramsey:yeah I'm going to pick one or two things I'm going to make them my entire existence I've never done that and that's it I've always found it like I've heard emmies

36:03Rosie Ramsey:to people like this like what he gets so much pleasure from Tom Jones and Tigers so much pleasure

36:08Chris Ramsey:from Tom Jones that he doesn't even know any modern music as a 17 year old no he just loves it so much he just listens to Tom Jones and Tigers I wonder if he had a photo of Tom Jones with a Tiger

36:16Rosie Ramsey:well that's what I thought she was going to say yeah she'll find out the rest because why is she mentioning this Listerine bottle

36:21Chris Ramsey:That's the thing that's got me. He's already weird as fuck. Where's he getting his dick stuck?

36:23Rosie Ramsey:I haven't listened to this, by the way. Yeah. Where's he getting his dick stuck? Tiger mouth with Tom Jones face on? I'm so confused.

36:31Chris Ramsey:Tiger bomb? Okay, go. Okay, ready? Yeah.

36:34Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, so the Listerine situation. He was quite proud about the fact that he was never going to get an STD or an STI because he regularly rinsed his dick in Listerine. and he would splash Listerine all over it to keep it clean. And he believed that because it said on the bottle that it kills bacteria and kills germs, that he was never going to get anything like that because of Listerine. Again, I had another heart to tell him that you would have to actually have sex with lots of people who had infections to contract that kind of thing. I think he genuinely thought he could just randomly get it.

37:16Rosie Ramsey:wasn't the smartest the brightest crayon in the packet wow

37:22Chris Ramsey:so he believed that you could just randomly get an STD from like a cold like a cold or a you know or a random infection so he just regularly for no reason washed his dick with Listerine washed his dick with Listerine

37:38Rosie Ramsey:do people not talk to their kids I don't think anyone talked to their kids back then

37:43Chris Ramsey:no one spoke to him apart from the part that probably already said you turn that fucking Tom Jones off again and stop roaring is it you scratched all these holes in this door what the fuck's wrong with you man

37:59Chris Ramsey:your sister's scared of you you better be sitting there great again I'll come up there and I'll kill you the knuckle savage

38:10Rosie Ramsey:why why why Hi, Delilah. Unbelievable. Beautiful. Well done. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. When you want your spring break to feel like... And your kid's pool day to feel like... And your hotel bed to feel like... Ooh, and room service to feel like... Because at Hilton, hospitality feels like...

38:37Chris Ramsey:Your cabana's ready. Would you like fresh towels? It matters where you stay. Book now at Hilton.com. Hilton, for this day.

39:12Chris Ramsey:Shop Virtuo up exclusively at Nespresso.com. This episode is brought to you by Indeed. Stop waiting around for the perfect candidate. Instead, use Indeed Sponsored Jobs to find the right people with the right skills fast. It's a simple way to make sure your listing is the first candidate C. According to Indeed data, Sponsored Jobs have four times more applicants than non-sponsored jobs. So go build your dream team today with Indeed. Get a$75 Sponsored Job Credit at Indeed.com slash podcast.

39:42Rosie Ramsey:Terms and conditions apply Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba Hi Chris and Rosie I thought you'd love this story So late last year I'd come out of a 14 year relationship

39:52Chris Ramsey:Ooh Back into the daylight

39:55Rosie Ramsey:In a moment of post-dumping delusion I decided I was that girl And went on a date two weeks later Delusional behaviour Yes I know I mean not necessarily I don't think it's delusional If you've moved on But you know Maybe she wasn't ready I don't know Lesson learned Never again she wasn't ready I'd rather be on my own if this is the kind of people available oh god ick one this is this guy right and I'm not condoning this is just her icks I'm not saying it's my icks right okay or our icks because I don't think you should it's not an ick in my opinion and I'm really icked out but this is just her okay but anyway ick one he has a nut allergy that that

40:34Chris Ramsey:that can't be your ick it's not an ick that's so bad that's not an ick that can't be your ick

40:38Rosie Ramsey:I don't know why but it was just something to me and made my vaginas riffle up. That's... Can't help it. I felt like I'd have to carry an epi pen instead of lip gloss. The romance was fading fast.

40:52Chris Ramsey:So that's a weird thing. So that is... It's interesting. It's an interesting point because it's like that old school like survival of the fitness kind of thing. Some people see a weakness in someone and see it as a, oh my God, I'll look after you. I'll be there for you. A lovely nurturing thing. And some people see, I'm not saying it's a weakness, But, you know, it's an issue. Some people say something like a nut allergy and go, absolutely not. You need to look after me.

41:15Rosie Ramsey:Well, it takes all sorts of people.

41:17Chris Ramsey:My friend Jordan's got a nut allergy and you just constantly forget he's got a nut allergy and try and kill the kid every time he comes around. In my opinion, he doesn't mention it enough. He doesn't, he never does. The kid could die. I have to mention it at restaurants. When we go to restaurants, do they go on the allergies? And he goes, and I go, fucking tell them. I'm not going to hospital with you. He icks out himself. He icks himself out. That's his problem.

41:37Rosie Ramsey:No, I've tried. I have on multiple times tried it.

41:40Chris Ramsey:Multiple times. Jordan, I've just cooked this and he's literally like, oh, just about up in his mouth and he goes, oh, by the way, there's nuts in it. He goes, okay, thanks for letting us know. I'll just put that down. Yeah, bless him.

41:48Rosie Ramsey:Anyway, she's icked out by. Like I said, I am not. Absolutely. It's just a...

41:52Chris Ramsey:It's so unbelievably harsh and I am not on board with her being...

41:56Rosie Ramsey:And the only reason I'm reading this out is because the end is funny.

41:58Chris Ramsey:Right, okay.

41:59Rosie Ramsey:So I'm not trying to condo anyway. Second, the second dick, he's got asthma.

42:03Chris Ramsey:This is fucking shocking. This is so...

42:07Rosie Ramsey:Listen, again, Oh my God. No, again, nothing wrong with it. But why did I immediately picture myself fanning him gently during a light jog and him puffing on his inhaler and me on my vape to get through the situation?

42:18Chris Ramsey:This is her. These are her issues, not his. These are her issues.

42:21Rosie Ramsey:I think in a past life, she's had all of these things.

42:24Chris Ramsey:Right, okay.

42:24Rosie Ramsey:And this is why she's got it. Anyway, but the absolute final nail in the coffin was the conversation or lack of. This man looked me dead in the eyes and asked me my favorite color. I said mine he said his which was baby blue I made my excuses and left

42:56Chris Ramsey:why is that so funny why is that so oh the three horsemen of the ick apocalypse no analogy asthma asthma baby blue taxi it's easy please keep me anonymous just in case he tries to chase me down the street inhaler in hand we'll keep you anonymous because you're a fucking dick you literally that's

43:17Rosie Ramsey:on you that i think i don't even think that because i'm telling you right now i think she's just she's a little bit bitter because it says 14 years i gave to a man and this is what i've come back out to nut allergies inhalers and baby blue i don't think i think if she met the love of her life and he had an allergy and he used and he had asthma I don't think she'd be bothered I think she's just in a bad place she's in a bad place and just

43:38Chris Ramsey:didn't go on with this far but we're enjoying it baby blue is hilarious baby blue

43:41Rosie Ramsey:that would make me out that's really funny

43:43Chris Ramsey:yeah what's your favorite color baby blue why is he asking what the fit what is this fucking nursery how to start a conversation level one what's your favorite color I don't know your favorite color

43:52Rosie Ramsey:well hang on let me should we say at the same time wait what's your favorite color green none of your

43:57Chris Ramsey:fucking business how about that

44:00Rosie Ramsey:I don't know your favourite colour

44:02Chris Ramsey:what's it got to do with you you boring cow no my favourite colour it's like an army green like an olive that's probably my favourite colour right yeah I've got about four pairs of olive trousers

44:15Rosie Ramsey:just ask me mine

44:16Chris Ramsey:what's your favourite colour

44:17Rosie Ramsey:olivey green

44:18Chris Ramsey:shut up man

44:19Rosie Ramsey:well I'll be the same

44:20Chris Ramsey:why are you copying off why are you copying off I'm not copying them

44:23Rosie Ramsey:we're just the same

44:23Chris Ramsey:pick a different one can't be baby blue can't be olive green

44:26Rosie Ramsey:oh baby pink

44:29Chris Ramsey:public service announcement second one today first one don't wash your dick in the history didn't think I'd have to say that second one if you are on a date and they ask you what your favourite colour is make your excuses and leave because they are not putting the effort in here they are route one that is the worst possible what's your favourite colour that is the worst thing you can ask someone I don't know

44:50Rosie Ramsey:I think you get a good impression of someone

44:53Chris Ramsey:unless you've got an amazing follow up question what your favourite colour is. What are you reading? Dating for dummies, page one. Well, maybe.

45:01Rosie Ramsey:Well, I'm not being funny. If I went on a date and went on a favourite colour and they went like black, I'd go...

45:07Chris Ramsey:Right. He's depressed. Who's going to do a date with Edward Scissorhands? I'm just saying.

45:13Rosie Ramsey:Jack Sparrow. I saw a video the other day of a kid dressed up as Edward Scissorhands for like Halloween or something. And I just thought, they don't know who that is. They might. What? Five-year-old watching Edward Scissorhands?

45:25Chris Ramsey:You made our kids watch the Mighty Ducks the other day. Our kids turn them off, but some kids keep them on and watch them. Some kids actually go out and watch them.

45:32Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. Can I tell you how much anxiety I had? Because I loved it, right? I kept crying. Because it was just nostalgia all the way through. I was just waiting for them to turn it off. What?

45:43Chris Ramsey:What am I going to say?

45:44Rosie Ramsey:What's your favourite film?

45:45Chris Ramsey:No.

45:46Rosie Ramsey:Oh.

45:46Chris Ramsey:Never seen it. I've never seen the Mighty Ducks.

45:52I can't.

45:53Rosie Ramsey:This is... Are you actually being serious?

45:56Chris Ramsey:I've never seen it. Stop, come on, come back. Tell us what your favourite colour is. I've never seen The Mighty Ducks. Who are you? I'm a clone. Do you want Gary? Pleased to meet you. What did you watch when you were a kid? Everything except The Mighty Ducks. I've never seen it. Are you okay?

46:14Rosie Ramsey:I'm not okay. I've never seen The Mighty Ducks.

46:17Chris Ramsey:Would you like me to watch it with you? That's what I was going to say.

46:19Rosie Ramsey:It's brilliant. It's cinematic. it's like god god why god that's sad

46:27Chris Ramsey:but weirdly I used to play I used to play hockey outside and I used to quote it all the time because I used to just quote the quotes that other people said I used to copy it's knuckle puck time and all that I've never seen that but I know what people said

46:38Rosie Ramsey:yeah yeah I said all that

46:39Chris Ramsey:but I'd I'd never seen it I just copied off what everyone else said I think it was on Sky

46:44Rosie Ramsey:no well I didn't have Sky

46:46Chris Ramsey:I watched the cartoon the Mighty Ducks cartoon there was a cartoon

46:50Rosie Ramsey:this is really this is actually really are you upset? hang on

47:02hello

47:03Rosie Ramsey:hi Kev it's me you alright? yeah I'm okay I'm alright I'm just ringing you really quickly right this is gonna I'm just doing the podcast and this might upset you a little bit do you know my Chris has never seen Mighty Ducks

47:18Chris Ramsey:uh drip

47:23Rosie Ramsey:that's terrible that way that's shocking has he seen the goonies

47:27Chris Ramsey:I've seen the goonies

47:29Rosie Ramsey:what about the Sandlot kids the what

47:33Chris Ramsey:the Sandlot kids never even heard of that oh Chris

47:37Rosie Ramsey:this is so upset I'm so upset right now you've got no idea Coach Bombay man Coach Bombay what's that it's missing out the Mighty Ducks Coach Bombay

47:46Chris Ramsey:sorry holy shit

47:48Rosie Ramsey:alright Do you know, I don't think I can actually be married to him anymore.

47:53Chris Ramsey:I put it on. Fermi needs educated in the Mighty Ducks.

47:57Rosie Ramsey:And isn't it, there's two and three? Oh, no.

48:01Chris Ramsey:Coach Bombay made a series after where he coaches kids again. It's just come out there last year. I've seen the cartoon. I've seen the Mighty Ducks cartoon.

48:10Rosie Ramsey:Stop trying to claw your way back, loser.

48:14Chris Ramsey:I'm getting fucking bullied. I'm getting fucking bullied.

48:17Rosie Ramsey:All right, Kev. I just had to let you know.

48:18Chris Ramsey:It's on DVD or VHS.

48:21Rosie Ramsey:I've got it on Prime. I watch it every year.

48:28Chris Ramsey:On Guy's birthday.

48:31Rosie Ramsey:Charlie, Charlie, good morning. Swing! Right. Okay. Love you. Bye. I knew that would upset my care because... Drip? Call us a drip. I know you're a drip. It was such a huge film of our childhood. And I just assume everyone our ages watched it.

48:52Chris Ramsey:I was expecting the patented you and Kev and your mom and Kate all go, I was expecting the, but he just went, drip, which hurts so much more. It's true.

49:04Rosie Ramsey:Oh, anyway, that's, I'm sorry that took a lot of time up with the podcast. That's really upset me. I apologise. Do you think you know your partner though? Like I thought I knew you really well. You've never seen Mighty Ducks.

49:17Chris Ramsey:I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Fuck.

49:20Rosie Ramsey:Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Please keep me anonymous. I've been listening to the podcast from day one and never miss an episode. I love you. Thank you. I've been dying to write in for years with the story my husband told me and I think you'll love it.

49:33Chris Ramsey:I hope so. Let's go.

49:34Rosie Ramsey:He's finally agreed to me sending it in as long as no names are mentioned.

49:38Chris Ramsey:Cool.

49:39Rosie Ramsey:When my other half was around 12 or 13, he hung around with another lad. Let's call him James. James lived in a street in our hometown in the northeast called Greta Avenue. In this street, it's not Shields.

49:52Chris Ramsey:Right.

49:52Rosie Ramsey:In this street resided a girl gang, self-titled the Greta Girls. Very imaginative, I'm sure you'll agree. Wow, I like it. I like it. I'm all about that. I already love it. The Greta Girls had a bit of a mean streak and weren't very nice to James.

50:07Chris Ramsey:I imagine they had their own theme tune and their own dance.

50:09Rosie Ramsey:I would love that.

50:10Chris Ramsey:100%.

50:10Rosie Ramsey:Being, as my husband puts it, bitchy, self-entitled knobheads. Wow. That's what he says there. One day, by chance, the boys were looking out of an upstairs window and saw the Greta girls shiftily placing an object in a water meter cover in the path.

50:25Chris Ramsey:Right. When it was clear when the girls had gone, the boys ran and grabbed this item,

50:31Rosie Ramsey:excitedly opening the drain cover to find a plastic bag with what can only be described as a burn book inside. Do you know what a burn book is? Have you seen Mean Girls?

50:41Chris Ramsey:Yes.

50:43Rosie Ramsey:You haven't, have you? No. You've seen the musical. You never told me you'd never seen Mean Girls when I'm watching the musical.

50:49Chris Ramsey:Ah, the musical's better. The musical was great. The book's better.

50:53Rosie Ramsey:I don't think there's a book.

50:54Chris Ramsey:If you've not read the book.

50:56Rosie Ramsey:Oh, don't be a dickhead. That's embarrassing. We can tell you, you've read Mighty Duck's a book, have you? Eh? Mighty Duck's a book. Oh, I've read all the Mighty Duck books. So a burn book in Mean Girls was where they just wrote horrible stuff about people. Oh, like a burn. Right, okay.

51:10Chris Ramsey:God. Oh God, they found that in a drain. Yeah. The girls have stashed that in a dream and these lads have found it.

51:16Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. So the burn book contained the scribblings of teen girls, things like Emily thinks Josh is fit, Chloe is a slag, things of that nature. Classic. Yeah. There was only one thing for it. My husband, a well-put-together individual, as an adult might I add, took the bag into James' house and in it did the shit.

51:38Chris Ramsey:I guessed it because it's the only thing you can do.

51:41Rosie Ramsey:it's absolutely would never be my go to thing that's incredible I don't understand then

51:47Chris Ramsey:so he's he's he's shat in the bag and he's gonna go and put it back so that when they go back to get this burn book the book isn't there and there's just a turd there

51:54Rosie Ramsey:no he's shitting the book

51:56Chris Ramsey:oh wow has he yeah with the bag in

52:00Rosie Ramsey:oh he took the bag into James' house and he did a shit in it with the book in yeah he's not it was shut a shit in the book really he then put the bag back into the cover and left it there for the girls to find the next time they went to write about Shannon being a bitch, etc. Wow. He has no idea what came of the bag or the discovery of the bag, but is mildly haunted by his actions. Yeah. I personally think they deserve it, and it's a pretty funny story. This haunts this guy.

52:27Chris Ramsey:I've got a sideways... Well, if he's listening, mate, I've got a sideways slant of what could have actually happened here. The poor bloke from Northumbria water could have had to come around to check the meter and found a carrier bag with a book and some human shit in it and probably quit that day. I'd quit.

52:45Rosie Ramsey:Oh, God. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Reverse ik.

52:50Chris Ramsey:Nice.

52:51Rosie Ramsey:This just says, Nout makes me moister than an oyster than when my husband...

52:56Chris Ramsey:Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

52:59Rosie Ramsey:I like that a lot. Moister than an oyster. Because oysters are typically very moist, very wet.

53:07Chris Ramsey:Okay. Good God. Yeah.

53:10Rosie Ramsey:Nothing makes me moister. Moister than a moister. Moister than an oyster. Than my husband wearing his cap backwards as he does DIY. Or a cheeky wee pencil pop behind the ear.

53:21Chris Ramsey:Why, really?

53:23Rosie Ramsey:Yeah.

53:23Chris Ramsey:God, she listened to Limp Bizkit back in the day, didn't she? Aye.

53:28Rosie Ramsey:Hello, Rosie and Chris. Long time listener, first time email. Hello. Listening to your episode where Rosie is talking about being on slop duty in primary school.

53:40Chris Ramsey:Why is it so funny? It's because it's you. It's you on slop duty. It's so funny.

53:46Rosie Ramsey:That's what it was called. It was literally called slop duty. Fantastic. It unlocked a memory I had of when I was in school. Ah, school was Mintman.

53:54Chris Ramsey:Was it? Fuck.

53:55Rosie Ramsey:We didn't have a slop duty, but we did have a water monitor.

53:59Chris Ramsey:Right. Like a water fountain?

54:01Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. This was a pupil that stood between the two water fountains we had in the cloakroom slash bogs. their job was to press the button to make the water come out while you drank no no i think we had this no way i genuinely think we might have had this i can't why couldn't students press the button by themselves well because if i remember correctly people take the piss right people would

54:24Chris Ramsey:have just been at it for ages right just taking the piss and messing on so there had to be like water monitors yeah so another right so another kid in school got to decide how thirsty you were

54:34Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, basic. Prefects? But they've got to decide how thirsty you were. You weren't a prefect, were you?

54:40Chris Ramsey:No.

54:40Rosie Ramsey:Oh, God, the power, the power. You've had enough now.

54:43Chris Ramsey:Yeah. I fucking haven't. You have, you've had enough. Well, listen.

54:46Rosie Ramsey:So, if you had had a squabble or didn't get on too well with whoever's turn it happened to be that day, they just wouldn't press it. So, you couldn't get a drink and their mates would get more than the 10 seconds allocated.

54:59Chris Ramsey:10 seconds.

55:00Rosie Ramsey:Teachers didn't give a shit and the water monitors had all the power in this situation.

55:04Chris Ramsey:That's fucking unbelievable. Oh, how did you get kidney stones? Oh, because the water man wouldn't let us drink water. They wouldn't let us press the button.

55:11Rosie Ramsey:I'd press the button myself, get out of my face. By the way, the amount of drinks that we make for our kids, I don't remember drinking. This is on Instagram so much, but it's so true. I don't remember drinking when I was a kid.

55:22Chris Ramsey:I take water with us everywhere now. Like I'm going to fucking dry up.

55:25Rosie Ramsey:Honestly, and if I don't, I have a headache. And I'm like, Jesus Christ, I don't remember ever drinking at home. Do you? No, no.

55:33Chris Ramsey:I remember the first time, have I not told you about this? The first time, it was a lad called, if I've said this on the podcast, I apologize. There's a lad called John and he was in my French class. And I remember. Oui. Sorry, Jean. A lad called Jean. He was in my French class. He was from Shields. He had, I'll never forget it. It was a bottle of Evian on the desk next to us. And I remember going, what are you doing? And he was like, oh yeah. and I was like, what? You're not allowed that. And he went, you are? You're allowed to drink that? And the teacher went, can you get that off the desk? And he went, I'm allowed a bottle of water.

56:11Chris Ramsey:Like, from the doctor?

56:13Rosie Ramsey:No, but she was like, yeah, and she went, oh, right. I've got a prescription. It's the first time I've done.

56:17Chris Ramsey:But then, like, uni and everything, it's fucking bottles of water, and God knows what they do now. They've probably got fucking backpacks on with straws where you're just, constantly, like a fucking starfish.

56:25Rosie Ramsey:The only drinks I remember at school was the milk, obviously, and, you didn't get juice at dinner time. No. Do you remember? Sometimes it would be your treat and there'd be juice and you'd be like, there's juice. Really? Do you remember? In my primary, I do remember that.

56:39Chris Ramsey:I brought a carton of Ribena in.

56:40Rosie Ramsey:Of course you did.

56:41Chris Ramsey:Oh, you had a packed lunch, didn't you? Packed lunch. Carton of Ribena. Every day you had a Ribena. Yeah, it's bad, isn't it? So we're milk in the morning, then a carton of Ribena and then literally fuck all until God knows, drinking bath water later on. The only other drink

56:52Rosie Ramsey:I remember drinking is the little cartons of the juice that you didn't use the straw. You bit the bottom.

56:58Chris Ramsey:Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bite the bottom, squeeze it,

57:00Rosie Ramsey:that's the only other drink I remember.

57:02Chris Ramsey:This patter about two water fountains next to each other has unlocked a memory of something that Carl told me the other day that I completely forgot about.

57:10Rosie Ramsey:Right.

57:11Chris Ramsey:Do you know Carl once?

57:13Rosie Ramsey:Well, me and Carl went to the same school, is it about school? No, no.

57:15Chris Ramsey:So Carl, for some reason, right, one of his favourite things to do is just remember times in the past where he's been an arsehole and laugh about them. Great. It's his favourite thing. Do you know what once, he said he was in, it was either Manchester or Newcastle and he had his business cards bank card and his personal bank card and he went up to the cash machines and there was two cash machines next to each other and he put the personal in one and the business in the other and he was going between the two cash machines checking his balance and stuff apparently there was a bloke turned up to use all the cash machines and Carl was jumping between two of them like a fucking DJ right and apparently he turned around and this bloke just went mate

58:03Rosie Ramsey:that is over

58:03Chris Ramsey:oh sorry sorry I'll only be one minute that's over

58:07Rosie Ramsey:that's just fucking unbelievable I miss cash machines I haven't been to one for a long time I've come to the last time I used a cash machine yeah me neither

58:14Chris Ramsey:mad isn't it

58:14Rosie Ramsey:oh

58:15Chris Ramsey:yeah mad

58:16Rosie Ramsey:do miss a cash machine I'll tell a lie

58:17Chris Ramsey:I used the one across the road from the pub

58:19Rosie Ramsey:don't lie to me

58:23Rosie Ramsey:I actually got a shock Fuck you Really quickly Hello I was listening to the reverse ick episode And thought of a random surprising reverse ick The first time I saw my boyfriend making dinner for us He got a garlic bulb out the fridge And to open it he crushed it with the heel of his hand Against the chopping board to separate the clothes Very surprising turn on What? Easily please He just broke a garlic bulb but I think you would cock that up

58:53Chris Ramsey:I'd hurt me hand

58:54Rosie Ramsey:you would cock that up good

58:55Chris Ramsey:you'd look away I would do it you would hear a shout oh you'd look away you'd look back and I'd have a bandage on I'd have a bandage on and I'd be neck in the Burns cow pot I'd go I'd hurt me hand

59:06Rosie Ramsey:oh god you would

59:08Chris Ramsey:although like Jamie Oliver and that you see them do it they put the knife they put the side of a big knife like that and they bang it like that that's pretty cool yeah it's nice yeah you should have married Jamie Oliver shouldn't be all On the subject of reverse ics, I wrote down a couple of reverse ics from a guy we work with called Jack, who does the film in When We Do a Piece, Keep It Homeless. He told me two reverse ics the other day. The first one is really, I get it.

59:34Rosie Ramsey:Is it about girls?

59:35Chris Ramsey:It's like a little turn on about his girlfriend. Okay, nice. I really get the first one. The second one just made us feel a bit sad for him. The first one is, when my girlfriend strokes the back of me head while I'm driving. So you can be driving along and she'll lean across and she'll just touch the back of his head and the back of his neck. We used to do stuff like that. We did, didn't we? Now I'm like, don't fucking touch

59:54Rosie Ramsey:as I'm concentrating. When does it all go to shit?

59:58Chris Ramsey:When you have kids. Next question. This one, this one, so that first one makes you nostalgic and really happy about this. This next one is just, it's essentially a basic human right. Reversic, when my girlfriend brings me a water as well as getting herself one.

1:00:15Rosie Ramsey:Aww. That's sweet though.

1:00:17Chris Ramsey:I mean she's bringing him a fucking water

1:00:19Rosie Ramsey:I know but it is sweet

1:00:22Chris Ramsey:she's not on water monitor she didn't have she'd be cracking that whip a bit stronger

1:00:26Rosie Ramsey:she didn't have to I suppose there we go

1:00:28Chris Ramsey:from sexy to just servitude that's marriage thank you so much

1:00:38Rosie Ramsey:for listening and watching this week's episode of Shag Married Anology

1:00:41Chris Ramsey:yes thank you so much and as always if you want to get in touch it's shagmarriedanology at gmail.com send us whatever you want we will keep you anonymous and if you want to send a voice note in of anything at all, it is 07874406650. Big love.

1:00:55Rosie Ramsey:Bye. Bye.