A Christmas Please Keep Me Anonymous with Carl Hutchinson

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0:30legally we can't say drinking storm makes you smarter and more focused but with zero sugar 200 milligrams of caffeine and immunity support you're smarter and more focused for drinking storm storm good energy in good energy out energy for life coming up on this week's episode of please keep me anonymous we have got a very special guest he's friend of the podcast he's been asked for many times many times by do you know i actually said to him a day you know people have been asking for you to come on this podcast and he went, oh yeah, they've been asking me as well but I obviously haven't said anything because it would be really weird if I said anything to you.

1:03And I was like, okay. I phone him three times a day. It's Carl Hutchinson. Carl Hutchinson on the podcast. Friend of the pod. Total friend of the pod. Friend of both of us. And it was really, really nice chatting to him. Really, really funny. He's a great guy. He's just, he's been best mate. He's fantastic. And he's on, he's actually on promoting something. I'm going to read it all out to you now. Carl has just put on Newcastle City Hall on the 24th of October, 2026. is UK and Ireland tour. All tickets available at carlhutchinson.net and a new episode. They're selling really well. So if you want to get them, get in there.

1:37It's just only one night, isn't it? Yeah, so what's incredible is we all kind of, in the North East, you kind of do your jump ups of your venues. So you'll do the Customs House, you do the South Shields one, then we'll sell out the stand in Newcastle, then you'll do the theatre. So he's up there, he's up at the City Hall, which is amazing. He's so good live as well. He's phenomenal. He's hilarious. He's just a funny human being. Yeah, and new episodes of his podcast every week, the Carl Hutchinson podcast, which I've been a guest on. They are available every week from all your podcast shops. And his Instagram is Carl, very upsetting, very annoying.

2:08Carl underscore Hutchinson underscore comedy. Oh, God, that's horrible. All of the underscores. How long has he had that for? I think he's about the 18 millionth Carl Hutchinson on there. I think that's what's happened there. Underscore comedy. So if you're watching this on YouTube, please please like and subscribe it would be very very helpful for us if you subscribe hey listen if you listen to this on the podcast app just go on your YouTube account and subscribe you don't even need to watch it just press subscribe what is that going to cost you? nothing nowt free nowt free so there we go so enjoy

2:56Jingo Babadoo babadoo babadoo Ba Jingo Hey it's been Christmasified in here It actually looks really really nice doesn't it It's lovely Yeah It's really nice I think it's the first time I've been here as well It is the first time you have been at this house Carl No No no no no Oh is it not We did Carl's podcast downstairs Oh of course you did Yeah Oh fair enough He was Tell you what though He was twice the man he was Oh yes But downstairs I know you've lost loads of weight Yes Loads of weight You've been on the jabs No I did That's what he was saying as well I've been telling him he's been on the jabs.

3:26We have both been very much chatting about how he's been on the jabs. He's both definitely reckoned I've been on them. You're 1 % on the jabs. Well, I'll do a lie detector test. It's a bloody needle hanging out with your own now, man, you junkie. What have you been doing? I did the old-fashioned thing of not having 10 bottles a night.

3:46You know how you normally have six when you're doing the dishes? I just cut that out and then... Sorry. Buzzy. We're talking about beer here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. A lot. What do you drink? Like, say, 10 bottles of Corona. I knew you liked Corona. Right, okay. Like light ones. Light ones. No, it makes no difference. So you would have 10 bottles a night? Well, anything between like 6 and 10. Yeah, yeah. That's not good. No, no, it's bad. It's really bad. It's really bad. So you cut that out. Yeah. Yeah. Also, it's the, right. So we had a thing when we used to go on tour. We had a thing called Father Hotel.

4:20because Carl was we were driving back from a gig once like I'm talking two o 'clock in the morning we were driving miles to get to the next hotel it was easily half three right and we were stopped at this like the service station it was like a farmhouse sort of service station so it had like nice stuff in there and he just had a basket and he had I remember you had a sausage roll you had a massive patty of crisps and you had two bottles of like lager and I went what are you doing and he held it up and he just went for the hotel so he'd get back and he's like he must have got back half twelve and he's high in sausage rolls and beers down him and that and not just that I was recently out with my mates for a curry and I was trying to retell a story he told me I phoned him from the curry house can you remember what you did?

5:03I phoned him from the curry house and he went you alright I went mate I'm just with the lads what was that story about the thing he went I had on two seconds he hung up he rang his back he went right I've just grabbed a beer alright I can tell you he had to grab himself for telling you the story I'm really glad that you're not drinking 10 beers a night because that's genuinely not healthy. Extremely worrying. And the Clems fell off you. Yeah, yeah. So it's like, so yeah, just cut out midnight sausage rolls. You're all right, really? I don't think this book's going to do well. It's very niche. Do you know when you wake up for a wee and you have a bacon sandwich and just cut out the cooking while you're going for a wee type thing?

5:46Sorry, go on. Oh no, the main thing is starting to have dinner. I don't know if you used to do this, but... Really early. Have dinner with the kids. Yes. It doesn't work. Really? No, okay, it does. Wearing in the cupboards by the way. No, I did it yesterday. I had dinner at like tea even. At like, was it six o 'clock? But I went to bed. I went to bed starving. Really? Yeah. So I just have to... Sometimes we'll have a snack at nine o 'clock. But if you do want to lose weight, you've got to cut out that snack and just go to bed hungry. Well, it's like slamming the brakes on and then going into reverse.

6:15so like it's a two-pronged attack. It's like cutting out the drink and then dinner at half five like an old man. With a kid. Yeah, and then make sure it's all mushed up and then go... It's basically not living like a man who's just got out of prison. That's what he stopped doing. Do you know what? The one thing about you, Carl, is you just enjoy life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I like that about you. Well, now it's like, right, I'm all about me and Sophie hates it because it's like, so after dinner, put the kids to bed, I'll do the dishes about 8 o 'clock, cut out the six beers, and then go for a run at like half-eighth.

6:49Oh, really? Nighttime running? So yeah, I never ever thought I'd be that guy as well. But I get back and I go, sorry I was late there, and she hates saying this as well. I go, it was half an hour for the run and 10 minutes for the warm down. And she just goes, stop fucking saying that. Stop saying warm down. I've got to say, it's actually currently freezing in this room because I knew we're wearing Christmas jumpers, but I knew Carl Hutchinson was coming. and he is the hottest, sweatiest man in the world. Tell Rosie how many t-shirts you used to have in the van on tour. Right, yeah. So I'd need a t-shirt for getting in the van.

7:24Stop it. What? What do you mean, getting in the van? From your house? From your front door? No, you'd be sweating from your front door. I swear to God, this is true. I'm glad you cut out the beers. I'm glad you're going for a run. I'm glad you're having your tea with the kids because your life was horrible. That's disgusting. Right. T-shirt. He hasn't got a patch. I've seen him on stage. It's vile. It's not great. And you only do 20 minutes before him whenever I've seen him.

8:02Trippin'. Come on. Oh, man. And then, yeah, but then, like, see if it's a four-hour journey, like I'm going to need something for, I'm like a quarterly, like every hour on the hour. 100 % true. No, how do I feel that? We used to drive in this big van, right? It was like, it wasn't one of the, it was called a splitter. It was called a splitter van. So it was like, we could sit in the back and we had like Italian stuff and play on the Nintendo Switch and you would stand up in it. It was quite a big van. So this was the van where you campaigned. Can you remember your campaign? I've had many. One of his campaigns was instead of stopping for weeds, can we just have empty Pringles tubes and can we just wee in them?

8:39I had to quash that I don't want to interrupt and go off the story too much but I have been on nights in the tour with you two and the amount that you stop the van and just piss on the side of the motorway turned my stomach like children on a road trip it was awful the A69 man it's great there's a one for every 15 minutes it's just a constant time in the A69 it's beautiful nature's toilet not that it's bad it's a beautiful road it's beautiful views but what I mean is there's no one there and it's all just countryside so you can get out and do whatever you want you can have a shite if you want cows will stay here but you get over there so we would stand up in this van so it's like a big van you would stand up so we'd stand up t-shirt off wipe these pits with it that would go without t-shirts yeah yeah that would go in a carry bag then a new t-shirt would go on and if it was a four hour journey there'd be two more t-shirts on the go it's all true but you don't smell you never you're not a smelly bird so it's what what why are you the trick is to change the t-shirt before you smell but hang on though right have you been the doctors no and you might need botox in your armpits it is it's that uh because me me auntie uh me auntie christine uh i hope she's the man is naming her but she's like really sweaty yeah but she got the the thing okay but like just say me go again and say me andy oh okay why she'll not like that oh my last man right okay so yeah so me andy says christine oh you fucking tits what a couple of tosses

10:23oh god oh the one that stings always dripping a sweat old andy botox christine piste in the onion lady Christine I'm sorry so I said the Botox in her armpits yeah but I don't know I've got plenty t-shirts so I'll be fine so I remember people used to constantly tell me use that dry claw stuff and every time someone told them you'd hit the roof what's dry claw it's that stuff that you put on I used to wear it when I was a teenager dry claw you put it on and you wouldn't sweat in your armpits anymore hurt for a bit you'd put it on on a night go to bed it would hurt during the night and wash the next morning deodorant on as normal and it wouldn't but the thing is it would come out somewhere else.

11:03Yeah, yeah. So am I like the old sweatpants? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have never heard of it. I thought it was cider. Dry claw? No, no. Cider. Dry claw and cider. No, you can't be putting cider on your face. Now that's when you stink. Do you know what they do in TV? Hmm? They put stand-up pads. Oh, he's done that, man. Oh, have you done that? Well, you know them patches that you get to put on? So it was the first time I was doing any TV. I think it was your one on Comedy Central. Stand-Up Central, yeah. No, no. before then yeah yeah who was that I've had so many to hear shows that's gonna keep up that's my only series look on one and two so I got those patches you put on oh yeah Sophie rang us up she got them for us and she was like how did they work and I was like they were terrible Sophie they were terrible I was like I'm so annoyed with myself I couldn't even put them on she was like oh right they're meant to work I was like yeah well I put it on and then within five minutes I could feel them like coming off me armpit and she just went, you're not meant to put them on directly in your armpits.

12:06You're meant to put them like in the thing of your, I was sticking them straight on me pits. So they stick on the t-shirt but you were sticking them straight on your pits. I was like, yeah, yeah. They didn't stand a chance. Oil slick. So you've just recently moved. How's it all going? Yeah, well, we're waiting on a survey now. You know, you've got to do a bat survey now if you want to do an extension. You've got to like, if bats are living in your house, you're not allowed to move them. And if, well, more than that, you've got to like, do a, like build them a little hotel in the loft, like to make sure.

12:45We did have to do a bat survey actually. yeah. So it's like, if you're in a conservation area, you must be, you know, you got to do a bat survey, you must be doing all right. Well done you. Check your privilege. Male privilege, running at night is the first thing he did. And then now, just bloody middle class privilege but that's a real pleasure that you get well Sophie said that to us as well because we had an argument one time and I was like right and just went for a walk and it was like 11 o 'clock at night and she was like you realise like women can't do that she would have to go sit in the car yeah with the doors locked and the windows open it is shite we're laughing but it is shite let's keep it up you go no no no I'm not yeah so bat survey so do you know if you move them you can go to prison really You can get fined.

13:30I'm sure it's a criminal offence to move them. I don't know why everyone's loving bats. No intention of moving them or anything like that. You actually got bats there? No, you won't have bats. No, no, no. Because we've had the house rewired. So we've had a guy in the loft. So he's like, you know. Do you know if you ask somebody, any tradesman, they'll go like, well, just tell them you haven't fucking got bats. You go like, oh, cheers. Yeah, I'll just tell the council that. So Ray said, we haven't fucking got bats. Cheers, Ray. No, you need like. Don't bother coming. You need a proper thing. but then you can only get it done in a certain period so we're going to have to wait until April or whatever because they're all hibernating now.

14:06Even if we had bats, you wouldn't know. Right, okay. So if we talked on the podcast about Lee and Vicky, our friends who stayed in a cottage for a wedding, I think I half told you this. I don't know. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Yeah, so they stayed in a cottage and they'd been to the wedding and then it was like a cottage on the site of wherever. Were we at the wedding? We weren't at the wedding. It was their family. All right. And I think it was Lauren. I think it was Lauren Elliott's wedding. And they were asleep in the cottage. And Lee just heard like a scratching noise. And like, see, it's like this.

14:44It's like a cottage. It's like a high ceiling. So see the headboard of the bed's there. And it's scratching above the bed. And he's like, what the hell is this? And a little hole opens in the wall. And like 50 bats. Stop. It's horrible, isn't it? It's like a horror film. How do you not know this story? How do I not know? You need to speak to Vicky. So she's lying there. She listens to the podcast. Hi, Vicky. So she's lying and like, Lee's just like, Vicky! And like 50 bats come in and just swirl around the room like a nightmare. Like Batman, like Christian Bale in Batman Begins where he lands in the thing and he shits his pants.

15:14And like, she's just under the cover screaming and he's like trying to open the windows, trying to get them out. It's like carnage. I don't think I would recover from that. I don't think I would emotionally recover from that. There's a few things I wouldn't emotionally recover from. Someone being sick in me face. and that where's this sick in the face come from where's this sorry sorry

15:38I thought that was really random so that sticks to me because the last time I said I don't think I'd emotionally recover it was this so I was on the the pirate ship the swingy pirate ship at the fair and I was sitting with Rafe and we got on last and the only seats were available was the one at the front so obviously you want to be at the back because you go the highest but it was the one at the front so it's literally oh so it's literally just yeah yeah but you're facing another person and there was a kid facing us and he was grey and I couldn't enjoy the ride I was looking at him the whole time I was like he's gonna be sick and it's gonna hit me and I'm snookered because I don't think I'll come back couldn't have done it when he was leaning back yeah yeah no it would have come on the perfect and it would have hung in the air then I would have hit it on the downswing oh no that happened to me at a school trip to Flamingoland it was right at the end of the day and it was like Like I was, I'd save me money.

16:26Not save me money. Like I'd kept me money so that I could have a slush at the end of the day. And I was like, I'll have a blue slush. It'll be fantastic. Just enjoy slush. Blue slush for the hotel.

16:41I wasn't always doing all right. I had to ration out my blue slushes.

16:49Do you remember the ride looked awful? It was like, imagine like a Ferris wheel like on the floor. so we're all like in a circle now and like you stand there and then it just like spins you around I think my mom went on that you're up against the wall so I was like saw them and I was like right no chance because I think even then I'd seen Final Destination I was just like nah and then like I'm walking along with me splush and then like just from that like somebody must have just went like and I get all just fucking landed in you splush I've never told you that hope I never told you that that's the thing and like just as he started I was like oh my god it's a cold story that happened it's a new story honestly just it was like four o 'clock I've been waiting all day I'm in haste on slush's grip that is vile it's actually vile another thing I forgot to tell you about moving house as well I'll tell you I went to centerparks with no kegs I went to centerparks with no underpants because it's when we're getting that house rewired.

17:56I've told you this as well. So the house was getting rewired and then I've come back from Birmingham and I've got a bin liner full of clothes because I don't know where my suitcases are or anything like that. So I've got a bin liner full of used up T-shirts and monkey kegs. Seven of them. And then I've got maybe four pairs of clean underpants. And then we'll go into... So if anyone listening outside the Northeast, kegs and underpants are the same thing. yeah sorry yeah yeah and then i thought that was a gift and then yeah yeah no kegs like that so then i pick up the wrong bag so i went to centerparks it's just like a big bin liner full of like dirty clothes

18:41i'm there monday to friday oh god oh god so not even the weekend do you know that's a long week I was there for the long ride. And then the don't do, the one we went to, there was like no laundry service on for that week. Everyone I've told that story to, they go, I put the do laundry. No, they don't. I thought you had a washing machine in your lodge. No, you don't. They've got a daft sauna that doesn't work. It hasn't worked for 10 years. But everyone thinks that's more important than a washing machine. Take that out, put a washing machine in for people who travel with dirty clothes all the time.

19:16So I was having to like manually wash me underpants in the sink every night because I only had two and then dry them on the radiator. Couldn't even dry them in the sauna. It didn't work. So good, so good, so good. Everything you want for summer is at Nordstrom Rack stores now and up to 60 % off. Stock up and save on the brands you love like Vince, Sam Edelman, Frame and Free People. Join the Nordiclub to unlock exclusive discounts, shop new arrivals first and more. Plus, buy online and pick up at your favorite RAC store for free. Great brands, great prices. That's why you RAC. Experience a membership that backs your business journey with American Express Business Platinum.

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20:50Learn more at windows.com slash student offer. While supplies last, ends June 30th. Terms at aka.ms slash college pc. Are you like me where it's like, do you resent like any parent who's got time to do that on Centerparks? Could you imagine a dad just going, all right, you have the kids, I'm just going to go in the sauna. Fuck off. Yeah. Well, some people have easy kids, you know. All right. Do you think it's a kid's fault or do you think it's our fault? I think it's being a present parent. I'm going to put a positive spin on it. I think it's being present. I think it's not just going on. I go on the iPad, I'm going in the sauna.

21:29If you're going on the iPad, I'm doing something else, something more meaningful. I'm not. Do you know what I mean? Does that make sense? I'm not trying to sound high and mighty here, but I just think, I don't know. No, I think there's a bit of that. Or Lucy's having them while I go in the sauna. Or I'm having them while you go in the sauna. There's absolutely no chance I would let go in the sauna. I feel the same when we went to Portugal and the kids just the two of us and the two kids and we're walking along when they wouldn't neither of them will go in the kids club they wouldn't go in the kids club and then we're walking along we're walking from like the pool to like wherever the restaurant was for like lunchtime we're walking in the blistering heat and like you know like Rafe like wants to be carried doesn't want to go in the pram but doesn't want to walk Robin's whinging about something he wants from the shop and we just walk past like the on hotel resort golf course and there was just four blokes just walking along playing golf drinking cans and I was like, I want to wrap your fucking golf clubs around all your heads.

22:15I was so angry and jealous. You're going to miss this. So angry and jealous. I saw a guy on the Sun Lounge when we went to, I can't remember where we went, you know when you just block out a family holiday because it was just too traumatic. People come back, did you have a nice time? I go, no, I fucking didn't. Yeah, I've gone off holidays, mate. Honestly, I just haven't enjoyed the last six that we've been on. I'm like, I don't want to quote anyone. Do you know what he tells people when he gets back though? he tells people he didn't have a good time shuts them down at the school gates I said to a parent at the school yard I went I'm sorry I don't I'm just back I took the wrong bag of underpants again I don't have the capacity to lie no I didn't have a nice job imagine saying that to someone at the school imagine that takes longer than going yeah it was great he could have literally went hey how's your holiday it was great thanks I'm going to be honest with you here I took the wrong kegs I don't have the capacity to lie I hate every second of it I have conversation with the parent when they were like, oh, they just don't get long enough off, do they, in the holidays?

23:14And we were like, sorry, excuse me. First day back after the summer. Yeah. Oh, hey, I'm going to miss them here. It's horrible not having them around. It's just, it's flown, hasn't it? Fuck off. Get in the fucking sauna, man. Take a hill, yeah.

23:29Get in the fucking sauna. So what were you saying about this bloke in the sun lounge? I saw a bloke in just shorts, which is fine because he was by the pool, I guess, but it was rancorous out, eating a massive big bag of fucking holiday crisps, like a you know it's always smoky smoky bacon you think oh that looks like cheese and that looks like salt and vinegar that looks like barbecue it's always smoky bacon always disappointing big bag of smoky bacon crisps ate the whole bag fell asleep I wanted to kill him I wanted to just shove him in the pool and let him drown the knob three kids running around holding him under the water oh you had three kids three kids the ma's doing everything he just ate his crisps fell asleep oh there goes my hero He's married the wrong women.

24:13He's both married. A couple of battle accidents. Don't let his get away with shit. And I'm sorry. Why haven't we put that lamp on? Is that deliberate? I don't know. Christmas lights are plugged in instead. Okay, why haven't we put any of the lamps on? None of the lamps are on. All right, that's fine. Are you going to be okay? Yeah, it's fine. Are you sure? You're going to be all right if the lamps aren't on? At Sophie's patter as well. I had a whole day where I had to put light fittings in. I said, why? Because you never have them on. We've only got fucking lamps. You're not allowed to put the big light on.

24:38No, no. Just lamps. they've got to be there though so they're there for when you drop something what do you mean? like you drop something you've got to turn the big light on you find it you turn the light off you do read them sometimes yeah you do read them sometimes yeah that's all they are that's all they are listen we've got to this has absolutely flown we've got to please keep me anonymous for you to read here oh shit how fast has that gone? we've only been talking five minutes that's madness absolutely madness so we've got to please keep me anonymous then we've got a game to play at the end yeah oh there he is excuse me totally I was on preferred him when he was an alcoholic

25:16I was on stage in Brighton Comedia and they had like just the smoke machine on it all just I felt my voice go on the Friday and then it was like Saturday I was fucked up do you know when I used to sing and they'd have smoke machines on the techies would be like it's dry ice it doesn't do anything I'd be like it fucking does I hate that they all say it doesn't do anything it's dry ice because you've been living it for 20 years so it's fucked you also you're a techie so you probably smoke 40 a day anyway. You wouldn't notice. Yeah, that's probably a mental for him. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Hello. Hi.