A Christmas Please Keep Me Anonymous with Sandra and Kate

27:20First one, what's your Christmas beef? Have you got a Christmas beef? Yeah. Sandra? Okay. Actual Sandra. Actual Sandra. What's happened? Well, you know she hates Christmas. Yes. So for the past few years, she leaves it till the last minute to buy a tree. We're talking like 23rd of December. I suppose I better get a tree. I suppose. And you're like, oh yeah, finally. Come on, I'll take you. Let's go and get a tree. So the last time I went, we went to B &Q. scratty little trees left and I'm going ma 'am there's a nice one over there it's been reduced £4.50 oh I'm not paying that that's way too much look at it look at it terrible not paying that it's not cheap enough it's not cheap enough no because that was the year because she just told us that last year though she did get a£10 one but it was reduced to£2 yeah but this was actually a different year when she wouldn't pay£4.50 and it was a lovely little bushy little tree about£4.50 on the 23rd of December and yeah and she wouldn't pay£4.50 literally the last chicken and sainsbury's yeah yeah oh do you want to hear a really sad story always and it involves you oh and mom okay and i thought i didn't say anything at the time but i thought this is really sad oh um so kate has got a real no sorry kate has bought a fake christmas tree pre-lit because her and me mom really struggled last year to pull their trees to the redhead park

28:37it was an eight foot tree it was an eight foot tree and I was single and I was like well how am I going to get this tree to the park I would have took it to the park for you well you know the previous year me and her we used a dog lead and an old fucking hell an old telephone like wire wrapped it around the tree and we each got a bit and we like like Santa's sleigh pulled it to the park That's so sad. To the back lanes after dark. A dog leading a telephone. That's like, you know, when you used to see back in the day, like people would have a dog on a washing line. Like they'd walk the dog on a washing line.

29:13That's what that's like. But we actually sat and waited until it got dark. So no one saw us and kept to the back lanes. Sad times. I'm really glad. You fucking nicked them. And then we got to the main road and it was like, right, three, two, one, run, run. So no one could see us dragging this eight foot tree. You might've got help though. If someone had seen you. So why do they go to the park? Is that where they mulch them or whatever? Oh, okay. They've got to take them to the park. Have you never took a tree to the park? I've never had a real tree in my life. What? Never ever. I've had that real tree that we had one year when the guys came in with muddy shoes.

29:44When the guys came in with the carpet. That's why I don't know. Yeah, well, I just couldn't be bothered again with that. Has pre-lit changed your life? Yes. Pre-lit as well. Literally took me five minutes. I was like, oh God. And it looks lovely. You've still got to judge them like. Yeah. There should be an automatic judge. That's the next one. automatic judges itself pre-lit tree that'll be good oh quickly I know that was a Christmas beef for Sandra she did one year go to the dentist and she had sedation oh we picked her up I picked her up one year she had something done with her teeth yeah and then she came back and she went I think I'm gonna decorate some things for Christmas oh I do and I was like oh she was off her tits she was off her tits yeah she was yeah she was high but she fully got into the Christmas spirit and I was like come on yeah i remember because we picked her up the first time she was over here so i remember we picked her up in the car yeah yeah yeah she was fully like yeah yeah but then you yeah whistling yeah

30:45and i think that's the only time i've ever seen my mom happy at christmas Oh, if I titted Christmas. She likes Christmas now we're growing up. She was spiked this year. That'll be good. I'm up for it. I was joking. I was joking. Don't email in. Favourite part of Christmas Day? When I don't have to cook. You cooked for a long time, didn't you? When you did never. Fuck. Yes, when I had, you know, my kids were little and I was doing all of the work. Oh no, did your mother-in-law cook? Did you cook? You actually never cooked. No, I did. I hosted Christmas many a time in my house. Sorry, did we might break up or something?

31:25I said, loud and clear, did you fall? Yeah, no, I didn't. No, I did. I've cooked many Christmas dinner. All right, fair enough. Yes. Yeah. So I'm just going to enjoy putting my feet up this year. The thing is, when no one finishes the Christmas dinner, she has to carry it to the park later on that day. I've got a dog, mate. I don't need to do that. Oh, yeah. Collectively, us three, let's let everyone know how excited we are for Christmas today because Mum's cooking the dinner. We shouldn't upset her, actually. Should we all tell you? Love you, Sandra. Yeah, we'll love you, Sandra. Love you so much.

31:53Impossible of making you upset her. I don't think it's possible. You've got really bad taste in Christmas trees, but we love you. But we do love you. We love you. I can't wait for Christmas in our house. Remember, we went to hers randomly the other week and she randomly did a Sunday dinner and I cried. I was that happy. She's a good host. I just feel trapped sometimes on a weekend with the kids and there's nothing to do. Then when someone else goes, come round to you, let them play here and I'll feed you and you can just sit there. Absolutely. I couldn't believe it. It is nice. Crate. Crate. That's your new nickname.

32:19Kate. Yes. Favourite food over Christmas? oh well this year is going to be totally different for me because I eat meat now oh my god you've got more meat yeah I'm back oh well I'm back so for six years I was a nut roast girl do you remember I had to buy the vegan shit honestly like yeah I had an epiphany in June I had a taste of it I smelled a barbecue and I was like yeah I feel I feel sorry that I'm not slagging off vegans or vegans what I'm trying to say is I kind of just did so I would like to retract what I said no what I'm trying to say is I feel sorry that there's not a better alternative than the thing you have.

32:56Yeah. Unless we just got a shit one. But it was, yeah, it was like... It's either nut roast or fish. Do you know what I would rather have? It was like someone really tightly rolled up a leather jacket and cooked it. And I don't even really like cheese, but wouldn't cauliflower cheese be nicer? Like a mane of cauliflower cheese. Maybe. Because I just think nut roast and stuff. We have a cauliflower in the hotel that we go to in London, and that's bloody lovely. Oh my gosh, yeah. It's got pomegranates on and cherry molasses. It's so nice. But anyway... None of that this year. I'm having pigs in blankets.

33:24Yes, you are. I'm having stuffing. I'm having anything with meat on it. Welcome back to the dark side. There it is. Favourite Christmas movie. It's going to be the same one as your mum, I guarantee it. Could be a few. Home Alone. Oh! Yeah. Can I, right. I watched Home Alone 2. Sorry, as our little brother used to call it. Home Alone. He couldn't say Home Alone. Home Alone. Kev had a fun on Speech and Menomies. Oh, it was Kevin O 'Callaghan. Kevin O 'Callaghan. Kevin O 'Callaghan. Home Alone. Legend. Home Alone. Home Alone. God love it. I was watching Home Alone. I think I've seen Home Alone 2 easily 30 times.

34:11I reckon probably once a year, every two years, then a year off kind of thing my whole life or whatever. Whatever the maths is on that. I've seen it a lot of times. I think after the the wet bandits are arrested and gone I think I've always kind of just switched off and say ah the movie's over but you know when they're staying in the suite in the plaza I watched it last night with Robin and you know sometimes we watch stuff with the kids and they make you rewind something and they're like oh for fuck's sake I rewound it so many times to the point of he got sick which bit? so they're all in the thing it's one of the best fucking jokes I've ever seen they're all in the thing at the plaza at the hotel and they wake up and the littlest brother goes it's crazy Christmas guys and they all run up the stairs in this massive suite and the parents come out of the bedrooms and there's loads of presents underneath the tree from Mr.

34:54Duncan and they're all going and they're like losing their shit this is right towards the end right at the end just before he goes it's just before Kevin goes back yeah yeah yeah so they're standing there and there's all these presents on the street and it just cuts to Buzz and the mam and Buzz picks up a card like that and he goes who's Mr. Duncan and the mam goes I don't know and then Buzz goes right right everybody calm down everyone everyone hey hey and he puts his fingers in his mouth to whistle and he just goes and I've never seen it. How would you never seen that? I don't think I've never seen that bit.

35:24Fucking lost it because it's so perfect on the character because he's such a tosser but it was everyone everyone. And that's the same time they get the room service bill. Kevin's racked up a massive bill. I watched him do that for all these things. I don't think I've seen it. Six times last night easily. I was like how have I never seen this? When it came out. Yeah. Hone Alone 2. We've seen it in the cinema but then do you not remember for Christmas I got it from Annie Karen Uncle Kevin but it was a pirate the pirate VHS yeah sorry people who buy I think I've said it before on the podcast people who buy your Christmas films for Christmas get in the fucking bin no hang on though we thought we were buzzing we were like get in but we can watch this on our TV now sorry I know you haven't got siblings but you don't understand if you get bought a VHS your siblings are not allowed to watch right okay that's so you used to write on on your VHS Kate's keep off in big letters wow so they weren't allowed to watch it unless I was there and I allowed them to watch it yeah that's so ridiculous it is actually horrible to each other yeah and if you accidentally taped over someone's tape I know VHS is what crazy wasn't it but if you didn't want anyone to put a bit of tape over it you could put a little bit of tape over that square on the back yeah we weren't that clever but you'd snap no yeah just snap it off no I didn't know that trick snap it off to make it can't record on it can't record on it if you wanted to record on it you put the tape over it I think it might be the other way around but it was a weird little thing on the back I mean fucking madness it was like they deliberately made it incredibly difficult well it was just shite I was chatting with the girls the other night about like siblings and stuff do you remember when we were at school and we were completely blanked each other oh we didn't talk to each other at all we just pretended we didn't exist to each other why?

37:09how old were you? we were teenagers when I was in year 7 so when I was the first year of comp you were in year nine so you were in third year but we used to like you know on the way to school we would walk we would overtake each other in the street and not say anything what the fuck it's insane isn't it sometimes I'm arguing with her and she can be so fucking nasty and horrible and I think it's because she's got she's had siblings she's had practice at least well I mean I don't know when I think back because my boys do it to each other they'll ignore each other and I'm like why but then I remember back and I think actually I didn't speak to you in school for five years nah for years Chris I'm not even joking and like there'd be times sometimes I can remember like if we'd forgot something and someone left later and then you'd see them in school and be like you forgot this yeah or mom would be like you have to take this in and give it to your sister what do I have to what what wow is it because you didn't want anyone in the school to know that your mom and dad had had sex more than once it's absolutely not we just hated each other just checking we just hated each other we used to throw like oh we used to have full-on like hair dryer hair dryer yeah she used to get a metal coat hanger right and like do that with it like stretch it and then use it as a whip and she'd get you in a corner like that and you'd be screaming what horrible Kate would just scream out she was such a pussy ass no I was sly I used to get your back on the sly ah you were really sly Kate would like dig nails in our arm be like look what Rosie did wow yeah that's dark yeah oh yeah see I was thick I was just I just did it in full view she would she'd like nip you she'd like nip you in the back of the arm you'd punch someone in front of a policeman you're stupid yeah you're really stupid you are slither right okay so real tree versus fake tree oh I love a real tree I just don't like dragging her to the park with a telephone wire afterwards if she'd still went with real tree they'd have been very surprised is this no everybody in the country has to drag the tree to the park.

39:15Yeah, it is. It's a nationwide thing. It's not just like... Normally you'd either use your hands or maybe rope or twine or some kind of string. Where did you get a telephone wire from? The telephone was the next question. Maybe he's got a telephone still. She had just had this random drawer with loads of wire in it. She went, oh, we can use these. And I went, oh, yeah. She's fucking insane. And then I had the dog. She had a telephone wire from a landline phone that she doesn't have. A flex. Yeah. A flex. It's a different thing. That means a different thing now some riz

39:48some flexi riz some flexi riz in the drawer alright okay ooh I think I know what your answer is going to be Christmas day or New Year's Eve oh Christmas day oh no it's New Year's Day ooh I hate New Year I hate New Year New Year's Day is dog shit it's the Tuesday of the year it's rubbish yeah New Year's Day is quite good though it's quite good just get to like Boxing Day pause on Boxing Day perfect we've got the party this year Boxing Day party I would start I would start Everything again After I would literally I would delete New Year From the whole thing I would literally go Do Boxing Day Maybe one more day off Day after Boxing Day Everyone back to work Start again I only ever had one Vote for Chris One good New Year Like no Like why The only time I ever had a good time No Because once upon a time Once upon a time Not everybody in the country Was depressed Once upon a time People used to actually Look forward to the New Year Because it was like New Year new new start and now everyone's like oh no the same old shit you threw apart your new year once and that was the best new year that was epic actually do you remember when my friend um alex and stevie came and then and um she was asking everyone what time they booked a taxi and she was like i put mine for half four i was like behind not do i was like oh yeah and i thought she wouldn't that's still i thought i'd be kicked out it was really good and we did a quiz that was yeah it was fun oh do you know what that was yeah no kids well the people who did the quiz didn't have any kids well they don't have kids no do we have kids then yeah oh robin you had robin yeah yeah yeah but that was a good new year remembering you had a kid i was trying to think what house i was in no but we didn't have as many responsibilities that was the difference now it's just like i did comedy and you just stayed at home remember you were a stay-at-home remember the thing you whinged about loads but now you look back on fondly i would love to be a state-owned man yeah i'd give anything i'm bored i need a fly you've clipped me wings you'd get bored i know oh god i would much rather work i think but just part-time you'd come up with like hey brain schemes like i know yeah yeah i mean that was just she was gonna employ me you know on the button shoe project you have any idea you can leave your job and then it went then we're going to expand into hair bands as well it was we had a full-on meeting about it do you know i just did that sarah davies program it's coming out on the 22nd december idv um we did we made these angels with buttons and honestly on the tip me took because she was like do you have craft and I couldn't tell the story because I was so embarrassed I couldn't be like oh yeah once upon a time I just I just stick loads of buttons on a shoe speaking of the Sarah Davies thing speaking of the Sarah Davies thing it was a craft and shoe it was so shit they wore them for a wedding all came off so yeah so sorry she wore the button shoes for the wedding before I got to the Sarah Davies thing you wore the button shoes for a wedding you'd glued them on and you literally accidentally touched your feet together and buttons flew off like a fucking clear more mine just that when I walked the bit that the bit that like yeah yeah yeah you're firing off like fucking nail bombs so she was just left with shoes with a load of glue on but then yeah load of glue bits of glue and bits of coloured button and then she decided she wanted to sew them on and she was like oh we'll have to sew them on but that'll take so much time it'll cut into the profits yeah she had a full on business model for it and everything and I sat and listened and went yeah yeah sounds great do you want to come on board Kate I went no give us any one more thing no one more thing so it's you and your mum Kate no no No, Sandra and Kate are the problem because she comes up with this shit and you two go, yeah.

43:29No, they are really supportive. Yeah, they're really stupidly supportive, blindly optimistic, and that's straight away in me brain. Hang on, one of the cameras has gone off. It's because it's too wham. Oh, there we go. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. So we've had some serious technical issues. The cameras have gone off. Get all of that right. Can I just say, you did the Sarah Davy show. I talked about the button shoes. You've done the Sarah Davy show. I don't think, I was going to say if it was going to be for the actual podcast, but she, did the Sarah Davy show which was a crafting show and she came back and for 45 minutes or so she was all about crafting she was Mrs.

44:02Craft yeah she for a while I've put a stop to her now I've started recycling them all she for a while said no one throw away a toilet roll holder a toilet roll tube in our house keep the toilet roll tubes because on the Sarah Davy show I made these little angels with them and we're going to make them Christmas crackers whatever the fuck it was because I thought all I did you said it and all I did I sat there and I was going it's going to be fucking toilet roll tubes all around this house well I can tell you where she's getting that from for a couple of weeks no a couple of weeks she's not done a thing with them you know why because my dad did the same thing yeah right he was collecting them and I said dad what you gonna do with all those toilet roll holders I'm gonna sell them on ebay true story that's so true I'm telling you when was this a couple of years ago sorry he was gonna fuck fuck people like you so they can craft with them when did I he was gonna yeah listen this is where get me entrepreneurial jeans from.

44:57No, this is like Roskella's dad trying to sell ice on the internet. It seemed like such a simple idea. Stupid, Frank. The name is stupid. He asked me to start collecting them to pass along so he could sell them on eBay. He never asked me because he knows that Chris chucks everything away. You've got a Please Keep Me Anonymous would you like to read it out? Yes. You slag. Indeedly, doodly. Okay. Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. The following story happened to me on Christmas Day in 1998. Good year. Great year. That was such a good year. It was. It was a very good year. Why was it a good year?

45:32Well, it was just a good, I loved that year. According to this person, it says, however, mortifyingly, it also makes me feel very nostalgic. The Spice Girls were number one with Goodbye. That's why. Jerry had already left and Posh was Preggers. Okay. First year comp. Set year comp. This is the best bit. The Mitchell brothers were the focus of Vicenda's Christmas Day special. That was a good year. That was a good year. Remember the Mitchell brothers Christmas? Don't, don't. You hate my mother! I hate my mother! Yes, I am! That was a different year. That was a different year. That was no relevance whatsoever.

46:08It's not a scream. All right, cool. You get the jizz. This was Tiffany! Tiffany! That was when Tiffany died. You sound nothing like either Mitchell brother. Tiffany! No. Grant! Grant! Phil! Phil and Grant! Sarah! Phil used to cry Fucking hell man So when Phil would cry And he just snots all over Do you remember? I've never Yeah we was listening To the recording of Sharon Yes Explaining a sexual encounter With his brother Yes Oh my god I've never seen an episode Of EastEnders Oh you're missing out Good times man I've never seen a full episode Sorry What were you doing In those years? Not watching EastEnders What were you watching?

46:48Nothing Don't know Not EastEnders Have you ever caught the end? This explains so much it does this explains so much about your personality yeah yeah you need if you haven't had the trauma the trauma the trauma the trauma the trauma the trauma the trauma she's sweet belicherant if you haven't had the trauma of East End hang on here's a question did you watch Hollyoaks After Hours with Gary oh I watched that one yeah yeah okay right which one oh my god I stopped it well I stopped watching that that was groundbreaking Hollyoaks late at night you'll put it really but it was yeah it was amazing so anyway this person was 15 at the time and had recently started dating a local boy from year 11 they're the same no they're not the same age as us they are two years older than us Kate age my age Kate age yeah she's going to call him Dean okay it's obviously not his real name but his name is Dean is this a female we don't know if it's a male or female oh well no I think it's a female okay okay alright so apparently Dean who was gorgeous looked like he stepped straight out of an E17 music video now a major ick obviously of course despite being a bit of a bad boy he was cute with it and charmed me and my older sister and my mum my mum even let him come over on Christmas Day evening remember when we allowed people on Christmas Day evening Christmas Day night that was so good bad boy Dean round Christmas Day night leather jacket and collar up yeah what's the matter what's the matter love the jukebox not working just one of them hey there he is go on Dean when Dean arrived he had brought gifts.

48:22Oh, that's nice. And she was really impressed. She said, this was my first proper boyfriend and he was living up to the American teen drama fantasy. Nice, nice. So in the gift bag were the following. A huge Forever Friends Teddy Bay. Oh. Forever Friends. Yep. Clinton's own. Rest in peace. There's still one downtown. There's a four. There is. A cladder ring. I don't know if I'm saying that right. Oh, like a... It must be like a sovereign ring. yeah I think that were like the little people on the necklaces no no the clowns on the necklaces awful gold thing with a clown handle so the things I remember is clown on necklace awful yeah saddle ring awful I imagine it being really big massive chunky rings right okay classic 1998 gift well for a laugh when I was going on my mate's stag do I was in the the whatsapp group and for a laugh I said I would get the clown necklaces and the saddle rings and for the lads and I was asking and everyone want ring size that we're...

49:22Oh, God. I'm just... Because all my mates have got normal jobs, so the idea that I would just get in a load of monkey jewelry for a laugh is quite reasonable. Right. So it's a clatter ring. A bit closer than I am. And at the time, it seemed like an odd choice. And a bottle of exclamation. Remember that? Exclamation? Was that the perfume? Yeah, it was rank. Wow. Yeah, not nice. Exclamation. Do you remember when you used to use isimiyaki and I wanted a vomit? hey that was a good perfume oh but it was horrible and my room used to stink it was so upset I wouldn't wear it now it's a bit sweet it was so upset I remember being like that's the horrible thing isn't it when you've got siblings I had to share a room with you and I hated your perfume I had to put up with your bad song choices I remember what was that song you played over and over and over again just to annoy me boom boom boom North thingy and Daphne and Celeste oh yeah yeah yo mama yo daddy yo greasy Greasy granny.

50:19Got a hole in my pants. Like a big hat. Something about being ugly. You're ugly. U-G-L-Y. That was a dig at me. A couple of things. A couple of things I'd like to pick out here. One, there was a perfume called Exclamation. Yes. Used to sell it in Superdrug and other places. It just doesn't give out the... Ah! And also, I went in a pub on Saturday night. I haven't told you this yet. I was in Hexham with my mates. I went to a couple of really nice, oldie, oldie, beautiful pubs. And then I went to the curry house. Table wasn't ready, so I had to go next door to the shitty pub. and it smelt like lynx.

50:52It smelled like a teenage boy's bedroom. There was loads of teenage boys in it. It was awful. There you go. Oh, okay. Carry on. Do you know he ended up in the Hexham newspaper? I was in the Hexham newspaper. On his night out. Because I was out on his night out. So there was no other news happening that day? Just Chris Ramsey on a night out? Chris Ramsey on a night out. Very slowly. Oh my gosh. Chris Ramsey in pub. Yeah, yeah. Wow. I was really, do you know what it is? I was really worried because we were really pissed and we went to a courier house afterwards and I always think people on the tables near us have heard us seeing anything like horrible or nasty or just being a twat because I'm pissed because I was just sweeping leisure on.

51:21Just sweeping leisure on. You'll end up in the paper. So the article went on the Facebook and then everyone read the comments on the Facebook me mates and they said it was all saying that the people had met with the curry place and that were really nice and were on war zone last night and were calling ourselves the best behaved boys in Hexham. God how sad. Oh Jesus. On war zone. Oh my God. Is it nice being divorced? Actually you know what? Yes. It has its benefits. Not from me. Obvs. Being divorced from me would be awful. Right, come on then. So, anyway, she had a bottle of exclamation and 15-year-old May was bowled over.

52:04Dean's fucking smashed it, yeah. I know, Dean. Dean, he has. So, they spent the rest of the evening snogging in the bedroom. Oh, I loved snogging. Dean and the girlfriend. Dean and the girlfriend. Just checking. Until I got asked to come downstairs to take a phone call. on the phone was Dean's mum. She asked if I was having a nice Christmas and what gifts her son had given me. He's a bad boy. Yeah. He's fucking nicked them, hasn't he? Hang on, well, hang on. She said, it's so... Of his sister. He's told them of his sister. Yeah. I've guessed it, haven't I? Right, come on. That's fine, this is good, come on.

52:35She's guessed it. She said, bit weird, but very enthusiastically I told her and after a few moments of silence she said, and then you were supposed to guess it then. Sorry, I know. That's fine. Okay. we were literally 10 words early come on man she said please tell Dean to come home right away and bring his sister's Christmas gifts back with him he nicked his sister's presents and given them away Dean got a couple of hours of snogging out of that do you know what it is legend Dean really is a bad lad that's so funny I love Dean that ties up nicely everything that we've been saying though about like siblings that's actually perfect that's actually perfect yeah that is absolutely what you would do Well, when it comes to gifts and stuff, do you not remember at that time it was your birthday?

53:19Hang on. Oh, yes. And I give you a really nice gift. Yeah, do you want to know? Have I told you about this? I don't know. She bought us and I was like, oh, that's really nice. She bought us a magazine, right? She bought us a magazine. How old times was it? Well, you don't have money when you're a kid. But she took the mascara off the front. She kept it by herself. You know when you used to buy magazines that have stuff stuck at the front? like free gift it had like half the bottom was missing where she ripped the mascara off I was like I thought what I'm having did you know that you read it it was a good mascara and I read the magazine read it killed a couple of flies with it ripped a couple of pages out of proper table got the perfume rubbed it on myself and then gave it to Rosie I love you now though and then gave it to you for your birthday yeah you were buzzing with it to be fair yeah it was so safe to say our relationship came to quite an abrupt end.

54:14For a long time, we circled the same friendship groups, but at least, but the last I heard, he was doing a lengthy stretch for robbery. No! Good out, Dean. So it said, listen, date the geeks, not the bad boys. Oh, well, I married one. Not a bad boy. No, you married a geek. I know I'm a geek. Married the geek. You married the geek. Married the geek. Yeah, they don't stray. They don't stray. Geeks. Oh. Apparently. I'm sorry, I'm just looking at me Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Bluebell behind us on the thing. oh for god's sake yeah what he's gonna do listen Merry Christmas Merry Christmas Merry Christmas Merry Christmas Merry Christmas Cheers look forward to Christmas Day yeah we'll all be just rebuild as your aunt cheers