A dance injury, the pig box of shame and the official SMA WhatsApp number

19:23Start your free trial today at shopify.com slash win. This Easter, skip the ordinary and whip up something golden with melty, creamy Velveeta cheese. From scalloped potatoes to rich mac and cheese, Velveeta turns every bite into a crowd-pleasing celebration, bringing the extra to the ordinary, transforming simple sides into lip-smacking, satisfying moments. So go on. Make it melt. Make it craveable. Make it indulgent. Velveeta. Respect the drip. Visit Velveeta.com slash Easter for some recipe inspiration. Zootopia 2 has come home to Disney+. Let's go! Get ready for a new case. We're the greatest partners of all time!

20:04New friends. Gary the Snake. And your last name? Death Snake. Dream Team. The New Habitats. Zootopia has a secret reptile population. You can watch the record-breaking phenomenon at home. Zootopia 2, now available on Disney Plus Rated PG. And right now you can get Disney Plus and Hulu for just$4.99 a month for three months with a special limited time offer ends March 24th. After three months, plan auto-renews at$12.99 a month. Terms apply. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. It's time for Chris's first Quiz of the Year. Quiz of the Year, Quiz of the Year, Quiz of the Year.

20:35Rosie Ramsey:Have you ever been on Big Fat Quiz of the Year? Have you ever been on Big Fat Quiz? No, I've never been on Big Fat Quiz of the Year. Why? I don't know. Somebody hates you who works on the production team. There's just certain things I don't get invited on. QI, stopped asking. We even talked about it on the tour. What else? Yeah, you've never done Big Fat Quiz of the Year. But is it just the same people do it every year? I think they've got their gang. I think they've got their gang. Oh, well, that's all right. Listen, don't worry. Hey, it's a beautiful show. I didn't want to start you on a horrible note.

21:05No, it's absolutely fine. No, let's just list some other things I've never done in my career.

21:11However, look, keeping it lighthearted. Okay. My first quiz of the year, because it is a brand new year, I just thought everyone, including yourself, should know these things and we'll do it in a quiz form. This is how likely you are to die from everyday things. How many people die per year from these things? That's the quiz.

21:30Rosie Ramsey:No, right, okay. It's just higher or lower. but I've already got a problem with this because we just know too much we know too much I'm scared of everything well be prepared to be scared by even more no they're not that bad they're not that bad I'm scared of everything but you know I've actually thought of something quite positive to come from it because I think as millennials as well we are scared of everything we talked about this before but do you know what's really nice you go oh I'm scared of that I don't want to die because I really like my life nice yeah I think not wanting to die is a nice thing so there's a full you know because if you had a bit of a shit life and you thought, oh God, fuck this, you'd go well.

22:06Rosie Ramsey:Listen, if I get run over by a bus, that's my day. But I like my life. I don't want to get run over by a bus. Do you think millennials are more cautious and more scared of stuff and more like, you know, we're the first generation riddled with anxiety and shit. Do you think it's because boomers let we watch mad CGI horror films when we're kids? Yes. No, I'm really, oh, what's that? It's an 18? Well, he's 14, that'll do. they didn't think of the consequences of what they said right don't don't do that face because if the wind changes your face will stay like that got you like what the fuck don't sit too close to that tv because your eyes will go square never once did they go oh i'm joking yeah it was it was the thing i never thought of that no they said stuff to her and you know what it is like i love my mom and dad to death but they've fucking said some really mad shit that will not disappear and we I think we are the first generation of parents yeah we'll take it to the house around the corner we'll send it to the naughty boys and girls we'll phone them up all that shit the boogeyman yeah yeah yeah Mrs.

23:09Rosie Ramsey:Dingleberry my well actually that was Kate that was Kate with the two boys the cleaning tower Mrs. Dingleberry but the my mom and dad used to drive us past like this house this old derelict house and say it was the orphanage and if we misbehaved my dad would pretend to call them like what the fuck so no it's their fault but we are the first generation i think of parents who are actually we don't do that to our kids yeah but you don't um listen i don't i'm i always just correct you doing it when you're not there okay how likely you are to die from everyday things okay so this is per year how many people die from these things that everyone does this is not gonna This is not going to go the way you want it to go.

23:52What do you mean?

23:53Rosie Ramsey:Because I'm... I don't... All I need from you is a guess, a number for the first one, and then we're just going to go higher or lower than each one. Higher or lower. And you might learn a bit. Higher or lower. Okay, exactly, exactly. So how many people die... Happen to you, everyone. How many people die per year flying on a plane? Oh. Well... In the world. Okay, are you talking about, like, heart attacks and shit, not just plane crashes? Listen. Yeah. I don't know. There's a lot of people die on planes. Okay. A man nearly died behind us. Behind us nearly died. Yeah. Fucking Jet 2 holiday. Yeah.

24:27Rosie Ramsey:Actually, we've talked about them before. I saw her on a flight. What, the same woman who saw it? The last who saw it, yeah. She was like, do you remember me? And I was like, no. But then she was like, that flight. And I was like, oh my God. Yeah. For anyone who doesn't know, a bloke behind, going on holiday with the kids, a guy behind, had a funny turn on the flight and we nearly had to land somewhere. where fuck knows where. Which, you know, was I concerned for him? Yes. Was I more concerned about how irritating it would be landing in the wrong place with two kids? Much more. Okay. Right, so how many people die a year on flight?

25:00Rosie Ramsey:This is not...

25:05Rosie Ramsey:45 ,000. Between 400 and 900 people. Oh, that's not that many. It's not that many at all, is it? Are you ready to play the next round? Right, yes. So higher or lower? Higher or lower, how many people die per year working out? Oh, higher. Higher, it's between 15 ,000 and 20 ,000 people per year die working out. Not worth it. Awful. Higher or lower, how many people die during sex? Ooh, lower. Lower than that. It was higher. 20 ,000 to 40 ,000 people per year die doing sex, you filthy, filthy perverts. Rest in peace. Ew, ew. Horrible. Yeah. now this one's odd how many people die per year at work oh just working it says working a job and it's got a photo of a guy doing construction higher sorry higher because loads of people die every day they're not always just going to be like nice in a rocking chair in the house are they they're at work they're doing shit no but what a lovely little cartoon you pit for us oh I've romanticised me dear 2.93 million people a year die at work yeah isn't this happy higher or lower using the toilet How many people die per year on the toilet?

26:18Lower. 8 ,000 to 15 ,000 people per year literally shit themselves to death. Driving a car.

26:25Rosie Ramsey:Right, okay. Well, higher. Car crash. This is the stupidest quiz ever. Much higher. But do you think it's higher than working a job? No, I don't. I think it's lower. Very clever. It's 1.19 million people per year in the car. Here's another one. Taking a shower. Higher or lower? Oh, I've slipped in the shower loads of times. I have I've really hurt myself before I can imagine people getting in the shower catered on holiday she did smacked her head yeah at the bottom of the thing so what was the last one 1.1 1.19 million which was driving that was driving lower lower it is 7.5 thousand to 10 thousand people die per year taking a shower great how many people die per year partying ooh lower much higher 3.3 million people Do you know what that is?

27:17Rosie Ramsey:Yeah Drugs Offer mugs Drugs offer mugs So that's drugs You absolutely smashed that Thank you What do I win? Very well done You earn You win Another day on this earth Hopefully Lucky me Lucky me What a fucking That might be the grimmest prize I know Really quickly Just before we move on Talking about like deaths And how you die And partying There's me saying drugs right next time we are out at a party right and if you are there if proud mary comes on come and get me from the dance floor this is so pathetic because oh god so explain everyone what proud mary is what people know is what proud mary is big wheels keep on turning primary keep on burning and we're rolling rolling rolling on a river anyway so years and years ago i used to be in a cabaret band and we would do the dance routine fully blown like tina turner all the moves made me best mates me and angela were in it much younger and warmed up much younger absolutely warmed up had been probably dancing for 50 minutes not pissed before this came on and yeah 20 years younger we do it sometimes on a night out at a party it's always at a party so you'll most likely be there when it comes on and then for three days after i can't fucking move me neck and neither the whole group chat has been why is my neck fucked but I just forget so every time it comes on grab us actually don't grab us because that's embarrassing just in my ear I go and I'll go right and I'll still do it but I'll just knock everyone listening you know how it's going to go if she's pissed with her mates in the corner of a party and I'll run over and say don't dance to this you'll hurt your neck No.

29:03You will tear my arsehole out in front of all you. Hey, you. You're a fucking boring old twat, aren't you? Look at you, man. Don't you dare tell me what to do. I cannot work for you anymore. I can't do this. So you can fucking take a ibuprofen and shut your stupid hole. I'm just not. I'm glad.

29:28Rosie Ramsey:No, just even just to look. Just look and go. I can't look. Why are you looking at me? look at him girls girls look at him look at him just cause you don't have fun exactly what it would be fuck honestly I'll get you a neck brace how about that yeah think I was fucking born yesterday it'll be stupid no chance I'm laughing cause I know it's so true cause it's true I hate it when you try to tell us what to do even when you even when you honestly even when you've pre-told me to tell you what to do you're a dickhead absolute dickhead tell the truth you're now annoyed at the idea of me telling you not to do that no I'm not I understand where you're coming from but just no because okay no I don't because I would but I really wish somebody will I'll tell one of the girls I'll say no even sadder let's just take out some some deep heat some ibuprofen or maybe just say the DJ just go look I used to be a dancer but I'm not anymore just 20 minutes before you put Proud Mary on can you just get us to do some stretches?

30:34Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, and also single ladies sometimes puts me back out. So let's just... No Beyonce, no Tina Turner. All the frail ladies, all the frail ladies, all the frail ladies, all the frail ladies. Put your heads up, not that high. So true. So Rosie? Yes? It's 2026, you know what happens in 2026?

31:02Rosie Ramsey:I don't know. It's extremely, extremely exciting. A lot of people have waited a long time for this. One of the greatest stand-up comedians in this room is going back on tour. She's looking around. Just for you to not watch the video, she's looking around like she doesn't know where she is. It's you. I thought I was being nice and humble by saying in this room. No, yes, I'm going back on tour. Very excited. It starts on February the 8th. A huge thank you to everyone who's bought tickets. I know I've joked about it on here, but the fact that I haven't had to go and fucking do a shitload of press to sell these tickets.

31:34I'm so happy. So thank you all for buying them. There was a few tickets left. Stockton, Portsmouth, Manchester, Oxford and London. There's a smattering of tickets in them. I've heard. I've heard. Oh, yeah.

31:46Rosie Ramsey:No, just all of those places you mentioned. Yeah. They all hate you. Right. That would be why they haven't. Well, Stockton and Manchester are the second dates. So in London's 3 ,500 seats and there's only about 20 left. I didn't see everyone. I said some of the people there. Wife full of shit Hate Halifax Now Halifax The bank? Yeah no The place Great Why did they name it after the place? Don't I can't even get into this This is supposed to be a short promo Sorry Good god There's quite a few tickets left at Halifax right? Oh that's That's where they hate us the most That's actually No they've got a full Like A cult following Do you mean society?

32:28Society Society We hate Chris society Now I'll finish your joke for you. The seats that are available on the website, right? Please double check with the venue, but it says on the seats in the top balcony, it has a little I on it, and you click on it, and it says restricted view. I am 95 % positive that that is just restricted view if it's a production that takes up the whole stage and you won't be able to see a fucking tree at the back. I am not a production that takes up the whole stage. I'll stand bang in the middle of that fucking stage you're able to see us. Halifax, sort it out. It's embarrassing.

32:56There we go.

32:56Rosie Ramsey:All right, okay. Just said it. Also, I'm adding a new Newcastle date. oh nice 20th of April brand new date the final added date of the tour hopefully 7pm 20th of April tickets on my website are you getting me up and doing a song would you like to come and do a song I'll see how I feel Rosie might turn up and do a song one of the nights make it the last night otherwise the people who hear that you were there the night before I'm going to get a load of shit from so if you're going to come and do a song make it the last night well if they really are that bothered there's a really good society that I've heard about in Halifax that they could get a part of brilliant Should I go on to her?

33:30Don't go on to her. I need some time away. I can't wait for you to go on to her. I think we need some time apart. Great.

33:34Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. Great. Distance makes... No. No. Go on. Try again. One more time. Go on. Something about your heart. Yep. Growing fonder. Yep. What's the word though? It's not distance. It's similar distance. Something makes the heart grow fonder. Come on. Come on. Come on. If you get it right, I'll give you a free ticket to me to her. I'm getting a free ticket anyway. me your fork um no i don't know absence absence there it is not absent no absence well done

34:08now huge news huge we said at the beginning of this podcast that it was same year same us there is a new feature on the podcast yes if you would like to send a voice note into us on this podcast to ask a question, to tell us something, to fix something wrong that we've said, anything you want at all, you can now WhatsApp us from your mobile phone, straight out of our mobile phone, but it's not our mobile phone, it's the one we use just for this. Hashtag no dick pics, please.

34:41Rosie Ramsey:Oh, no, dick pics. I don't get any dick pics. Daisy goes through it. Awful. The number is 07874. 406 650 very upset that you haven't made a jingle for this number which you absolutely should have done Rosie if you prepared and put you out hot do it again 07874 406 650 hey you've done it yourself this is really exciting I've wanted to do this for years I've genuinely wanted to do it for years because there's times when people send stuff through the emails and voice recordings and we haven't been able to like do it properly without me bloody holding my laptop up so this will be awesome so yeah um you can stay anonymous you could try to disguise your voice if you want put an accent on yeah um so yeah whatever you like do you know i watched a video recently of a girl who um has got this thing i'm gonna say it completely wrong but she woke up one day and she just had a geordie accent i've seen it is a genuine i think it's a genuine thing yeah i don't know i don't know i've seen a few of these there was someone who claims the walk of them that could speak just Chinese.

35:47But they could. But I can't speak Chinese so I don't know if they were speaking Chinese or not or if they were just doing a really offensive stereotype of that. I don't know.

35:53Rosie Ramsey:I don't know. But her Geordie accent was unbelievable. Really? Unless the one that she was pretending to do. I've only heard Michael do a few words. He's probably the only one of the only comedians that can do a really good one. Yeah. But yeah. Anyway, send us your stuff. It'll be really exciting. We'll share this on Instagram so you can actually copy and paste. And it's a voice note and it will be played on the podcast. Do you know what I want? I want pissed ones. I want pissed. I want pissed WhatsApp. That's what I want. And we'll just listen to everyone being drunk and merry and nice. Very excited.

36:23Yay.

36:23Rosie Ramsey:Very excited. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. So this morning, was it yesterday? Yeah, it was yesterday. I was talking to you and your mom in our living room. And then there was something I wanted to tell your mom that I didn't want you to hear because I wanted to save it for the podcast. Oh, yes. I'm ready now to tell you that thing. Okay. It was just about kids. And we're talking about how Robin, you know, probably he has a bit of bad language and stuff at schools. He's 10 now. So he probably hears the odd thing. Not in the house and we don't let him watch anything with really bad language on him.

36:53But he's getting older. He's a bit more aware of the world. And I realised this more than anything the other day.

36:58Rosie Ramsey:Oh don't, are you going to crash all my dreams? Because it really upsets us how old he's getting. Well, no. So, me, Robin and Rafe, as you know, are very, very fond of pumping on each other. Yeah. It's probably what go-to comedy at the moment. It's awful. Yeah, Robin came in the other day and he had a pack of Skittles and he said, Dad, can I have these Skittles? And I took them and I pumped them and I handed them back. You know, what? Right, well, when the school rings, I'm not going in because that's got nothing to do with me. Okay. Honestly, when the school rings and says, Mrs. Ramsey, the children have been, I'll say, I'll stop you there.

37:34Yep.

37:35Rosie Ramsey:And I'll say, call the dad. Yep. And I'll say, hello, hello. Yes, this is Chris Ramsey. Who's this? I'll ask the school. Okay, two seconds. I fart down the phone. Then I go, what are you after? and they'll know I have a certain dominance is what I'm doing. Anything happens, right? Listen, don't tell anyone, guys. This is between us. If anything happens, we'll just say they've got fartitis. Fartitis, that's it. And we'll go private. We'll get them diagnosed. Yep, with fartitis. With fartitis. So, we were sitting, me and Rafe were sitting playing with something the other day. I can't remember what it was.

38:06God knows. The fucking floor's covered in toys. So we're playing with, I think it was the Hot Wheels. And Robin leant in and started putting his bum towards Rafe to pump on him. And I was pushed him away. I went, stop it. I went, we're sitting playing nice. Stop it, Robin, stop it. And Rafe went, it's all right. And I went, it's all right. And he went, yeah, it's all right. I went, you like Robin pumping on you? He went, yeah. And he giggled. And Robin turned around and went, oh, you like his pumping on you? And this is the phrase that made us realize that he's not a little boy anymore. His exact words were, oh, that's pure diddy talk, bro.

38:43as in pay did he did he talk i don't know where he's saying i don't know how bad is that i went um what do you mean by that he went i don't know it's just something

38:57Rosie Ramsey:people say does he know though no there's a lot of things i said when i was 10 that i had no idea what i was saying he's got no but i'll tell you what he used it in the right context i mean he has he bang on used it in the right contact hashtag allegedly i mean i've listened to all podcast. Whoa. Okay. That's okay. Great. Brilliant. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. So good. So good. So good. Spring styles are at Nordstrom Rack stores now, and they're up to 60 % off. Stock up and save on Rag & Bone, Madewell, Vince, All Saints, and more of your favorites. How did I not know Rack has Adidas? Why do we rock?

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40:13Select schools available. Venmo stash terms and exclusions apply at Venmo.me slash stash terms. Max$100 cash back per month. This episode is brought to you by White Claw Surge. Nice choice hitting up this podcast. No surprises. You're all about diving into tastes everyone in the room can enjoy. Just like White Claw Surge. It's for celebrating those moments when connections have been made and the night's just begun. With bold flavors and 8 % alcohol by volume, unleash the night. Unleash White Claw Surge. Please drink responsibly. Hard seltzer with flavors. 8 % alcohol by volume. White Claw Seltzer Works.

40:47Chicago, Illinois.

40:51It's time for What's Your Beef? New Year Beef, but we're still together. Just unbelievable scenes that we're still together. Congratulations. Love you.

41:00Rosie Ramsey:Well done. Well done. It really is. it's a real struggle but we do it every day are you going to say a pleasure and a struggle and a pleasure struggle and a pleasure and a joy and a toil and a strife and listen my beef's not that serious because genuinely I know you took the piss before but I have had a lovely little Christmas with you and the kids we've done no work we've had a bit of time off the odd thing but I've had a lovely time no genuinely yes like I said before I'm locked in that's it locked in I'm locked in for the long haul we're here for the long haul I can see in the future. Because when the kids aren't hanging off with, we're actually quite happy.

41:38Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. Anyway, what's your beef? My beef with you is, can you just learn, right? Learn to look at yourself and just know yourself when your hair is getting long. You don't have to ask me. Wow. Every time. Wow. Because men get their hair cut a lot more often than women, right? Every time that your hair gets a little bit longer than usual, we have to have a 10 minute conversation of do you think my hair's too long should I get my hair cut do you know what it is Chris honestly I don't like going over like okay okay it's too just you can wake up I sometimes look at my hair and I go oh I need my hair done right I don't have to ask you okay if I should get my hair done so it's not good that I value your opinion on how I look not about your hair not something not if you made a drastic change right Right.

42:30I'll tell you what the main problem is. I don't know if I've said this on here or not, but the main problem is when I get my hair cut, I assume I'm never going to need a cut again. I go, this is so short. I get it done. I get it shaved on the sides. Go on, do a number one instead on the sides. And I go, that's me done forever. This is never.

42:45Rosie Ramsey:Okay. I know. I don't know why. And I've got something coming up. I've got to go down London tomorrow for something. And I'm like, but the place I go is not open until tomorrow. So I can't go. I've got an early train. I'm sick of telling you, every time you leave the hairdressers, Ashley who does your hair Yeah You need to say it to her I can't No you need to say it I can't book it in I can't do it I'll book in for five weeks I'll cancel it I'll cancel it the day before No I'll forget I can't do it I can't do it Right well I'm sorry then I don't know Get a diagnosis because You're ill I know Stop asking me all the time I am not the gauge For when you I know but do I say it to you Oh Here's a question You know how women Get sick of doing their eyebrows So they get them tattooed on could I look into just getting me hair tattooed on just shave it off it would last longer it wouldn't because when it's shorter a slight growth makes it even worse you know I'll grow it out again like when we're met I'll grow it dead long again like when we're met I want that no that was horrible oh sorry you've got an opinion on me hair I wasn't asking you an opinion on me hair all I'm saying is I know that I dye my hair I know awful but it is dyed I have to get it done my natural colour is green I have to get it done like every I mean I used to get it done a lot more often but now it's like nine weeks right ten weeks like I don't have to say to you do you think I need my hair done because I just know so please please just just not ask anymore okay just don't ask anymore so I can't no matter alright so no matter how I leave it you will never weigh in on it you're agreeing now to never weigh in at any point tell me I need my hair cut that's totally different no the weighing in is totally different than the just constant should I get my hair cut do you think my hair needs cutting for the people listening on audio not watching I'm doing a Dr.

44:33Evil finger okay well do your

44:35Rosie Ramsey:Dr. Evil finger because actually you ask us I don't give a shit I'm married to you now I don't care how your hair looks do what you want locked in locked in my life great my beef seems a little bit trite now but okay my beef with you is and it is actually hair related we went to Edinburgh with the kids just before Christmas we had a lovely time it was gorgeous but that feels like a lifetime ago. Love Edinburgh. Edinburgh's beautiful. Love Edinburgh. It's the best. So gorgeous. Now we were queuing up for a little Harry Potter shop. Oh yeah. On the street. Yeah. And I was drinking a coffee and I realised that the bin was further up the street.

45:11So I went, wait here and I walked up the street to put my coffee in the bin. I was cold. I hadn't brought a woolly hat. I turned to me left. There was a woolly hat shop. Well, a hat shop with a woolly hat in the window that I liked. I went in, I bought a woolly hat, I put it on. I came down the street, I rejoined the queue. we were in that queue for 25 minutes easily and I was wearing a woolly hat that I hadn't been wearing for earlier in that day a brand new hat yeah green hat and I had to say to you after 25 minutes of you looking at us and having conversations with us I had to go by the way do you like me hat

45:48Rosie Ramsey:yeah I don't notice things I don't notice things do you know what I mean I was going to just I struggle to remember my names I don't notice things You, Robin, and Rafe, all of yous. Yeah, we're all cut from the same cloth. You're fucking invisible in this family. Do you know that? All three of yous. I was standing there like that. Hey, check out new hat guy. Nothing. Oh, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. If it had been like a full-on fedora or something, I might have been like, all right. But in my defense, you do wear a Willie hat quite often. So I just forgot that you had not had one on that day. But then don't ask us about your hair because actually, I don't fucking care.

46:18Rosie Ramsey:I don't look at your head. Well, you know what it is? I've actually just proved my point that you don't care because you didn't even look above me fucking eyes. Yeah. It's not that I... Oh, God. No, I don't notice things. I'm invisible. I'm invisible in this house. You're not. You've just married someone who I just don't notice things. I'm not a very, I'm not a very like, what's the word? Perceptive? I'm not very perceptive. God almighty. So, in the vein of you saying if it wasn't a fedora, did I tell you what happened when I went into that shop? No. Oh. So I went in. You might have, sorry. It was quite cool.

46:51It's in Edinburgh. I think you told us at the same time when you told us off

46:54Rosie Ramsey:for not noticing that you had a hat on. High maintenance, by the way. Me? Literally, nobody's noticed that I've bought a new hat. So the person behind us in the queue, when I read you on the queue, said, nice hat, mate, and used it. No, they did not. You tough it. They did not. So it's a really cool hat shop. It's on the road that goes down to the grass market. I'm giving them a shout out because of how much of a toss I made of myself when I went in there. Totally accidental. I went in and I saw the hat in the window, with this green woolly hat and I thought, that's lovely, that's a bit of me, that woolly beanie and I went in and I stood there.

47:26Was it camouflage? Brilliant. Great. Chris, the top of your head's missing? Clever. I went in, I knew I was in a hurry because he was wearing this queue and I didn't know if I could have went down so I went in and I'm looking around the shop, I didn't look at the guys, the one guy behind the counter and one guy in the corner and I'm looking around and I went, the guy went, can I help you? And I went, yeah mate, sorry, I've just looked in the window there, I've seen a green hat I'm just looking for it where is it and the guy went a flat cap and I went fuck no

47:55Rosie Ramsey:did he have a flat cap so did the guy behind the counter they both had you mean Scotland it was probably the flat cap shop of Scotland like you what see this is weird I went fuck no I was expecting something and I looked at me right and he was standing looking at us horrified wearing a flat cap and the guy behind the counter had a flat cap on and I'm not kidding they didn't speak to us the entire I went where is it he went the only thing he said it was I went no it's a beanie he went it's round here none of them spoke I'm mortified by it why do you do this I don't why are you like this I don't know the amount of times I've had to fucking apologise for you over the course of our marriage in my defence not my defence but just so you know I nearly went back in and apologised ok so ok alright just to fully turn this round did you notice that you had a flat cap on before you said it I see what you've done here I see what you've done here no I was tunnel vision trying to look for it one could be you know put in the same camp of just didn't notice that person's hat was I married either then then I don't know what you do in your spare time oh touche so I doffed my hat to you so there you go you've actually just you've you've like ruined your own beef listen I'm not bothered but yeah just think before you speak because this is like the taxi all over again you do this all the time what was the taxi the taxi where the man made he said the wrong word and you had to correct him and was still in the taxi and I wanted to die you do that with every you have to correct people and it drives us insane because I don't have to correct someone could say it to me the the total wrong word or anything and in my head I go well I know that's wrong it's this but you you like you would you would burst if you didn't correct them because I'm paranoid that anyone listening thinks that I thought that that was the right word I'm paranoid that later on that tax driver goes I said the right word there and that idiot didn't correct us because he's a fucking idiot because he doesn't know words no no mate I know words

50:05Rosie Ramsey:it's ridiculous and I'm going to say this down the camera and if you're looking and if you are currently dating a comedian just leave because they're all the same they're all the same they're all unhinged as fuck alright sweeter times very you know but just run just run babadoo babadoo babadoo bah it's time for questions from the public cues from the pews and the chicka ticka doos and the ah miss the queen do you ever miss the queen do I miss the queen I do miss the queen I do miss the queen you can't really do a queen voice anymore I mean you can you can do it you know in honour of her but yeah I sometimes forget.

50:44It's whenever I get a new note. Hey, the Charlie notes. They're not in a Prince Charles, King Charles. Sorry, it's very disrespectful. The King Charles notes.

50:52Rosie Ramsey:One of the worst things you've ever said. Huh? The Charlie notes. Is that what you're calling them? I just said it off the top of my head there. You're old. That's an old Geordie. That's like a Cockney thing. I have new Charlie notes. Right, okay. Sorry, look. The King Charles notes. They're not in that much circulation. If I was him, I'd be... Do you know when we turned up in Asda? We're going to turn up a Nasdaq now and then, and the boot wasn't on the shelf. If we turn up a Nasdaq and the Poonami boot was on the shelf, and you go, where the fuck's going? Imagine him getting changed in a shop, which he never would, but going, sorry, I've been king for fucking ages.

51:22Why aren't these notes in circulation now? Like, they are.

51:25Rosie Ramsey:I don't think people use money as much. Back in the day, they would have changed all the notes by now because everybody used notes. But now, they're probably like, we'll save a bit of money because everyone uses their card. Right, yeah, maybe. All right, then. Well, anyway, I forget that the Queen, sadly, is no longer with us until I get a King Charles note. And then I go, oh, fuck, of course. yeah yeah iconic amazing um listen uh if you want to get in touch it's shagbar annoyed at gmail.com or you can also from next episode onwards you can send a whatsapp a voice note that will be played on the podcast to zero seven no yes i can't read zero seven eight seven four four zero six six five 050, that's 07874406650.

52:10That's a good number. It is, but I changed my oars in my zeros halfway through, and I know that would absolutely wind people up, so I do apologize.

52:16Rosie Ramsey:Oh, I didn't notice. I did. But good. Right, listen, this first question, I don't know if it's true, but it's one of those where it's like, it might just be bullshit, but then I don't understand why people would say it were bullshit, but then people are weird. Okay. See what you think, but it's interesting. What a preamble. Oh, have I heard it before? Okay. Maybe I've heard this before. I'll let you know. Right, okay, let me know. My husband's friend was invited to a poker night in someone's home. Okay. Okay. The host had a pet spider monkey. Them are the little monkeys, I think. Like the little Ace Ventura monkeys.

52:48Rosie Ramsey:With a fucking... It's in America. Like a Ross from Geller. I think so. Ross Geller from Friends monkey. Ross from Geller. Yeah. What's his monkey called again? Oh. Marcel. Marcel. I might not know all the things from Scrubs, but I know all the things from Friends. on this night for some reason the monkey kept snatching his owner's keys from the countertop and running off with them sorry I'm not playing poker in a house where someone's got a fucking monkey running around that could be looking at my cards or anything and telling him what the cards are you can train them fuckers to do anything he suddenly goes all in once the monkey's checked that I've only got fucking two pay and it would be like yeah it's telling them on his little hands yeah tapping it on the desk that's racist that's a racist monkey noise.

53:32Rosie Ramsey:It's not racist to do monkey noise. Not all monkeys sound the same. That is, they're more of a, marmoset is much more of a squeak. That's disgusting. Stop. Don't stop it because you know I'm terrified. Oh, worse way to die. I would love it if you got cancelled for making a wrong monkey noise. That was clearly a gibbon. Fucking insensitive bitch. What an unknowledgeable cow. Listen, right, the horse grew increasingly frustrated each time that they were stealing the case until finally he wrenched the keys from the monkey and put them on top of a high cupboard out of reach. Of a monkey? All right.

54:09Rosie Ramsey:The monkey sulked out of the room for good. I'm not. This is what I mean. This is a start. Look, I'm listening and I'm going to just... I don't know why because I hate it when people call bullshit on stuff for no reason, but come on, keep going. Okay. As the night went on and the gambling continued... This is in America. This is in America. This isn't in England. because I think in England it's just there's no pet monkeys I don't think there used to be you could buy monkeys tigers and shit in Harrods remember the line come from Harrods the fucking the documentary yeah you could buy it downstairs in Harrods you could literally it was a zoo you could buy shit from unbelievable wild literally so as the night went on the gambling continued my husband's friend noticed that the monkey had poked his head through the door and was watching the game he's still giving them the answers fucking Pixar movie he's just a sad little monkey he's just a good little monkey he's such a good little baby monkey I just love the phrase he put it out of reach or from a monkey that can climb anything oh why I yeah what fucking hell the host had yeah but if he's a house monkey he won't know he might have been strunted like you can't go there the only place out of reach from a monkey is something that has to be opened with thumbs fair enough well listen the host had his back to the door and couldn't see his pet monkey very slowly approach his chair, sneaking inch by inch for almost half an hour.

55:34Rosie Ramsey:Literally. Right? Okay. When the monkey finally reached his owner's chair, he leapt onto his shoulder and in the span of about five seconds had angry sexual intercourse with his ear, ejaculated onto his cheek and ran away.

55:56I want this to be true, so much that I don't even give a shit. That's fucking amazing. Knocking us them keys, were you not? I'm not going to show you, you dirty slag. Have that. Bon anniversary. And he's out of the room.

56:10Rosie Ramsey:Fucking amazing. Do you think it could be? I don't know. Just like, fuck yeah. I don't know. Quite clever, Monk. Yeah. I just want it to be true so much that I'm not even bothered. That's funny. I'm not even going to Google if it's on a TV show or a film. It might be. I feel like it's just a joy. but I just I feel like if someone said do you want to come out of my house and play poker by the way I've got a monkey I'd say the fucking last thing I'm going to do at your house is play poker I will be playing with your monkey all night I think you're ridiculous oh okay right yeah you'll just be having a nice time in the movie I was like they cannot tell what cards you want well one I think you're wrong and I think they could absolutely do well how are they going to do what diamond they haven't got thumbs do that they're not that no they cannot do that four suits right four suits spades clubs hearts diamonds oh and you're not going to hear them do that are you not well you're just messing about you don't know look you don't know you've got to have a little headset on what's the film that used to be my favourite film when I was a kid what a question to someone what do you say where I live what was my favourite film when I was a kid go on tell us you bastard you never listen to me I don't know it was when the monkeys when they sent the monkeys into space it was really sad i've said it before on here when they sent the monkeys yeah and every time i always forget the name planet of the apes no i'm rinky oh fuck me no just super quick it's really sad just for me own sanity

57:49Rosie Ramsey:hello hello just really quickly what was the film with the monkeys when they sent them into space when we were younger? Project X. Project X. Love you. Yeah, okay. Love you. How good was it, though? How good was it? Oh, amazing. Absolutely amazing. One of the best films ever made. But it's sad. Yeah, what was A Monkey called? Oh, no. I can't remember. No, I think that's right. I can't remember. Oh, no. Oh, it was Mint. Okay. I can see it all in my mind, aye? Yeah, it's a good film. Yeah. Yeah, the main actor's Matthew Broderick. Yes, aye, that's the one. And the woman out of Twister, She's in it too.

58:24Rosie Ramsey:Yes. Oh, Kate, your memory. You're unbelievable. I'm just like a library of movie knowledge. You are so good. All right. Love you. All right. Bye. Bye. Yeah. Right. Just Googled it there. I'm on IMDb looking at it. Yeah. Yeah. So Project X is the film about the MySpace party in 2012. Okay. Well, there might be another one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's 1987. Oh, 87. 87, yeah. I was one? Yeah. they don't send monkeys they send chimps okay little monkeys like PG is it a chimpanzee can you actually a chimpanzee can you actually believe they used to have chimpanzees working chimps on the telly selling selling selling cups of tea and everyone thought oh that's great oh look they're talking they're doing that and they're talking I mean I thought it was great was it Johnny Viggs' voice no that was that was when they used monkey later on when it was like a stuffed monkey because they couldn't use the actual magazine.

59:22Oh yeah,

59:22Rosie Ramsey:because back in the day it was actually, they were dressed in clothes. Actual chimps in clothes drinking PG tips. I mean, listen, was that cruel? Yes. Oh. I know how, I've filmed adverts, I know how fucking painful it is. I know. Okay. Awful. Do I used to make them talk? Peanut butter on the roof of their mouth. Shut up. Like, they're licking it off like that and they're talking. Mad, that, isn't it? Is that, did they do it in Look Who's Talking as well? They did it with dogs. Any animal, yeah. Really? when they're talking it's peanut butter yeah the hoist they make it look at their mouth that is normally peanut butter I've thoroughly enjoyed that fact that's lovely wow that animal cruelty fact did you love it did you no because I just never knew how they used to get their mouths to move yeah yeah I mean they'd been buzzing off the peanut butter the beef they don't love peanut butter yeah and if they looked after yeah well thank you if you don't do it anymore well yeah but just that it was our lifetime I know I know it's crazy a lot of stuff has happened in our lifetime crazy I took a gas mask in the school we know we know can I and can I remind you you've done bigger things since then stop going on about it it's really sold out the O2 it's a big problem you've got awards behind you but the fact that you still bang on about it these mean fuck all these mean nothing you're joking these mean nothing these are gas bars are you talking about it don't be correct there's gas bars in the school babadoo babadoo babadoo bah hi Chris and Rosie hello greetings from the mildly frozen south it is cold right now got you yes hope you and the kids have had a great Christmas and New Year I have thank you very much Oh, thank you so much.

1:00:50We have.

1:00:51Rosie Ramsey:I've got a Rosie's mystery, a beef and a question. Oh, well, it's a bloody Christmas miracle. All rolled together. Do what you will with this. Just for some context, this happened all through my childhood, even in secondary school, because my brother was four years younger than me and, of course, we had to keep up the tradition. Before we started school, after every school holiday, half-term, etc., my mum made me and my brother do something before going back to school. Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. oh so every single and they had to keep it up because their brother was younger yeah after every holiday yeah they had a tradition before going back to school now give us a clue here is it something they had to prepare in the house to do or is it something they had to do on the way to school or is it a place they had to go to I can't I can't answer that because if I do I'll give you a week how fucking open is it right was it was it a ritual of some kind no had to do something before going to school, before going every time.

1:01:50Can I just tell you? So it wasn't like new pencil case, new pens, stuff like that. No, no. You're going to have to tell us it's too, unless you can give us a clue, it's far too wide open.

1:01:57Rosie Ramsey:No, I can't give you a clue. Okay. So this is every time they'd been off for like a week or six weeks holiday or whatever. We had to practice getting up for school the next day. As part of this practice. It was a ritual. It was a ritual. Well, sort of like a ritual. Oh God. It's mad. She would set the alarm at the time as it would be the next day. Get all of us up, have breakfast, do teeth, hair, the lot. All to make sure we could get out of the house. Uniforms on? Well, it doesn't say uniforms. That's the only thing. But it was all to make sure they could get out of the house at the right time the following day.

1:02:32Rosie Ramsey:So whilst everyone else was getting their final lie in before school, we'd all be up and ready to leave the house at 8.30 on a Sunday morning. Love it, love it, love it. But that was the floor in our plan. Nothing was open. This is when, do you remember when we were at school? you would just go back on a Monday. There'd be none of this like... Teacher training bullshit. On a Thursday or whatever. You'd go back to school on the first Monday of whenever it was you're going back. Nothing was open and there wasn't anything to do because it was a fucking Sunday and half eight in the morning. Utter bullshit.

1:03:03Rosie Ramsey:Did your parents or do you have any school preparations? So we're taking the piss. But actually, we made the kids the two nights before school. They've got to bed early and they've got up early. So we kind of do it. that we have only just hit the stage where if you keep them up, they're lying. For years. Oh, yeah, only just. It's honestly, everyone out there who have always said to us, well, just put them in bed late, they'll sleep in. It's like you're fucking it. Now they do. And when your kids say that, over the Christmas holidays, we hit a sweet spot where we could put them in bed 10 o 'clock at night and they wake up at 8 in the morning.

1:03:38Do you remember that day that we all,

1:03:40Rosie Ramsey:as a family, woke up at half nine? Unbelievable. It was unbelievable. like I mean was it boxing day night we had a party big late night we had a late night the kids had a late night were they complete dickheads the next day because they were overtired 100 % but did we have a lie in yes it was so good but yeah so the two days before we put them to bed earlier but got them up earlier in the morning as well so I get but I love that that's a bit it's like the first episode of the Simpsons where he does a nuclear the first ever first ever episode of the Simpsons Homer does a mock nuclear fallout run like a sort of bunker thing.

1:04:16Brilliant. Love it.

1:04:18Rosie Ramsey:I'd be fuming. There's no way. Fully on board with that. There's no way. Oh, love it. Like, I wouldn't have done it. Love it. Sorry. Are they going to see you in Oxford? You doing Oxford? I am doing Oxford. Handful of tickets left for Oxford. Get on it. La-dee-da. Bab-a-do-ba-ba-do-ba-ba-do-ba. Do-do-do-do-do-do. Thank you so much for joining us again in the new year 2026. Hope it's a good one and we are very happy to be back and wish to see you. We'll be back in the airs next week. thank you very much as always if you want to get in touch at shagbyannoyed at gmail.com or Christ I'm going to have to read it out again I'm forgetting mad anxiety reading this number out or you can send us anything you want voice note to be lovely on WhatsApp it will get played on the podcast Z I'm not going to sing it 07874 406 650 we'll share it on Instagram there it is bye bye do do do do do do do do do do do The UPS Store is making packing and shipping Easter gifts quicker than ever this year with UPS Air.

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1:05:51Spring's calling. Ross, work your magic.