A Garage-full of Beef and a Late Night Feast

16:55Rosie Ramsey:What time, what part of your career was this? Was this nine people in the audience or was this the pleasant? How dare you? Well, yeah, you've been there. I know, I never did nine. I'd never did nine people in the audience. How many was the least? How dare you? Ten. Oh, sorry. Ten minimum. Sorry, okay. Nine, that's a slap in the face. How fucking, are we counting stuff? No. Okay, fair enough. Yeah, I've done nine. Was it horrible? Yeah, tough. Yeah. Yeah, tough. It's good though. I think that teaches you a lot. It's character building. Yeah, it's character building. It is character building. But yeah, so we went for a curry, right?

17:36And then we sat down, a couple of pints, start as poppadoms, mains. I finished a madras. It must have been quarter to 11. And my phone rang. And someone said, Chris? And I went, yeah. And I went, where are you? And I went, what? and they went, you're hosting late in live. And I went, tonight? I thought it was tomorrow. I went, no, it's tonight. I went, oh God. And I just put some money on the table and I stood up and full of chicken madras, beer, onion bargy, pop it on, with a bag on. Not a bag. You know, I hate bags. I full sprinted, full sprinted across Edinburgh to the Gilded Balloon, which is about a five minute sprint, 10 minute walk.

18:19and I ran on stage and did it in my life. And it was the worst gig of my life. It was the worst gig I've ever, ever done. I thought I was going to be sick for the entire week. I was sweating. I was burping. It was disgusting.

18:31Rosie Ramsey:So, and were you not at the level where, like, because I feel like if you would do that now, you're kind of at the level where you could get away with it. I would tell them. You'd be like, I totally forgot about this. I would walk on stage. I'm going to shit myself. I would go, you've got no, I have just finished a curry a mile away and the phone doesn't have to do this. And I'll be like, get us a chair. I'm going to be set and I would make a thing of it and I would tell everyone about it. Were you signed then? Yeah, yeah, I was with Avalon and I was signed but I didn't have the chops to make.

18:57I just had to go on and just do me bit. I just had a routine. God, it was awful. Oh, God. It was awful. No, you've never ever told me that. I can't remember who the first act was. You know, as the compé, as the host, it's your job to warm them up. They were clay cold when that poor first act went on. So whoever that first act was, I'm really sorry. It was awful.

19:16Rosie Ramsey:Oh, mate, we've all done it. Imagine jumping on a treadmill after a curry for five minutes and then doing a show. Awful. I've had other experiences. My tits used to come out a lot. Yeah, but that's just, you know, giving everyone a bit more for their money, isn't it? That is true. There it is. Yeah. There it is. This episode is sponsored by TV Licensing. A TV license covers you to watch over 400 TV channels and everything on BBC iPlayer. To find out more, go to tvl.co.uk forward slash pod. One of my favourite programmes ever is back for its 16th series. It's a real tear jerker. I know you're not as big a fan as I am.

19:50You are. This is, I will walk in the room and you are crying and I go, oh my God, what's happened? Have you had some terrible news? No, you're just watching.

19:57Rosie Ramsey:Long Lost Family. There it is. Born Without a Trace, ITV, BAFTA award winning series. Of course. Hosted by Davina McCall and Nicky Campbell. It's just, I mean, you would have watched it. It's 16 series in, but it's just so emotional and it's just a fantastic program. I don't know how they host it. It would kill me. I think that every episode. Yeah. How do you do this job? They hold it together really, really well. And it's just beautifully, it's so well done. And it's, yeah, that's back for the 16th series, if you fancy it. Now, I'll tell you what else is back. Something I used to watch all the time, and I'm buzzing that it's back this summer, Animal Park.

20:37Marking 25 years of Ben Fogle and Kate Humble at the heart of BBC's longest running day, it's BBC's longest running daytime favourite. Wow. it's so I just like don't get us wrong I love your sort of Attenborough nature things and your really in-depth things but Animal Park it's almost like just a little cosy little I don't know like a little cosy little zoo it's like the day to day running of the place it's just a really a good show for all the family on iPlayer to watch whenever and you just stick it on when the kids are in

21:07Rosie Ramsey:and it's just a nice Is it a bit of nostalgia as well for you? It's a huge nostalgia for me I love it I mean it's been running for 25 years it's a heck of a show And Longley's a fab place Brilliant Kids love anything like that with animals and stuff So do I A TV licence covers you to watch over 400 TV channels And everything on BBC iPlayer To find out more go to tvl.co.uk forward slash pod Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba I didn't like what you said Odin pauses About the future This is the love story of real hinge couple Odin and Edward written and read by me, Curtis Garner. Listen to the free audiobook now.

21:50The perfect lunch combo. That first bite of your favorite sub followed by ice cold Pepsi. Add a couple of friends and now that's next level. Suddenly, the laughs get louder, the stories keep flowing, and the food tastes better because Pepsi brings out more flavor, more fun, and more of the moment. Food deserves Pepsi. Grab a Pepsi Zero Sugar today.

22:42Rosie Ramsey:Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. So this is another thing as well. So in our accent, stuff's sometimes really, really funny in our accent. It's funnier in our accent. Yeah. Some stuff in a posh accent is funnier than our accent. So I was playing, Jimmy's quite a posh boy. So we've talked about, guys, we've talked about Jimmy before. He's the guy who empties his WhatsApp, deletes all of his WhatsApp messages to clean all his inbox out and never has messages in his inbox. Like a psychopath. He's just got a very different life to us. He's got time on his hands. He's got time on his hands. he tells me sometimes he was sitting in our house he was having a cup of coffee and the kids were running crazy and I went is this a bit mad for you and he went yeah I'm normally just sitting with my own thoughts in my chair and I'll just finish the papers he went I'll just have a pile of papers and I'll just finish them all he looked on edge he looked on edge while our children were just screaming and running around and just going mental he didn't look comfortable he didn't look comfortable no I've got to be honest with you I've had him a croissant no he had the croissant yeah he had the croissant but yeah he was just it was it was a little bit like how I would it's a little bit like how I would sit if I was in a cafe and I thought a fight was about to kick off okay that's kind of how he was sitting oh I don't want to alarm you but the size of that spider in the corner oh holy shit that is fucking gigantic is it dead it just moved oh by the way I've seen a spider I was watering the plants at the front of the house the other day and there's like the front of the house is like a Victorian so there's like that old school like air vent thing yeah yeah yeah oh god this spider crawled into it yeah in and out of it a couple of times massive just a little bit smaller like probably the you know my palm bit in my hand yeah yeah like that yeah and you know when you're like you cheeky little shit I knew you were going to say that no like that's my house just like in and out and you're just like in and out and I'm going to I'm going to see you later that might be it You'll be devastated.

24:38You'll never know. Yeah.

24:39Rosie Ramsey:No, it was bigger than that. Really? Yeah, it was bigger. And it was just like, in and out. I was like, man, fine. I'm really sorry. I'm gonna have to put a pint glass over this spider. I think it's dead. It's not dead. If I'm watching this, my heaven pint glass from the sitcom I did when I was 12. Right. This guy's big, like.

25:04Rosie Ramsey:Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Nah, nah, nah. He's got a little pipe glass over there. Fucking hell. You just watch the show from over there, mate. Shall I get him and show everyone? Yeah. I might as well. Right, hold on. If you're watching on YouTube, you can have a look. We've been doing this for seven years now, so listen. This is where we're at. We're showing you this, baby. Oh, Jesus Christ. That is it. He had a big old boy, him like. you know go to that one then

25:43any australians watching obviously that's not big it's tiny yeah don't please please

25:49Rosie Ramsey:put it somewhere else oh yeah i put it the wrong way hello all right yeah let's watch if you hear some screaming by the way everyone it's uh it's Bench pressed the glass off and came forward. So I was playing, like I say, I was playing golf with Jimmy. There was one hole where... Oh, God. By the way, sorry, everybody. No, I'm not talking about golf. Good, because it's horrible. Great. And you're going to lose listeners. I'm not, man. I'm not talking about golf. If you let us get to it, it's not... Nobody likes golf. It's not about golf at all. Sad, lonely men. It's not offensive. I don't care.

26:27Rosie Ramsey:I'm sorry. Remember that time you said that? I played at nine people. This is worse than that.

26:33There was this.

26:34Rosie Ramsey:By the way, when you and Jimmy got in from golf and you went, she was soaked with clubs. Oh, God.

26:44Rosie Ramsey:Two handsome men in me house. Who am I handsome? You're handsome. Oh, thank you. Do you not think you're handsome? Say whatever you want. Sorry, do you think I'd marry a minger? Great. Yeah, just ick of the century. Go on. Well, you have to clean your clubs afterwards because we're going on the golf simulator and it'll dirty the screen. Awful. She went, so what were clubs? Mast, the correct name is Masty Clubs. So you mast them. So there was this one hole, there was a power lines over the top of it and they were literally, I've never been that close to power lines. There was loads of massive pylons and they were, and like I said 20 minutes ago when I started this story, there's some things that are funnier in a posh accent that are not.

27:22Right. And I went, God, I went, should I barely hear them? I went, that's horrible that. And he went, yes. Quite disconcerting, isn't it? And he paused for a second and he went, this is how episodes of casualty used to start.

27:39You're so fucking right.

27:41Rosie Ramsey:Oh, do you know what I've just remembered? Two blokes in a field puts the metal stick in the air. Yeah, that's an episode. Do you know which word he used twice, which I haven't heard from? Donkeys. Trite. Trite? Trite? God, I thought, oh, do you think I'm bringing that back? Do you think we should tell the estate that he slept over and see if it's put the property price up? It might have. Trite? I can't remember what context to use it in, but it was the right one. Yeah, and I thought, oh, I'm bringing trite back. Wasn't that these pants were a bit trite? No, it was definitely like... It was trite.

28:15It's time for What's Your Beep? What's your beep?

28:18Rosie Ramsey:What's your beep? What's your beep? Beef, beef, beef. Okay, so I've been away. I've been a delight. you couldn't possibly have any kind of beef with me. Do you know what? I know what your beef's going to be this week. Yes, you do. And I'm going to be quiet. Really? I haven't got one this week. And I'm going to take it. I'm going to take it. Like a wha. Okay. And I'm just, because you're right. Because you're right. Right. You're right. This is good. Right, stop. You're right. You're right. Listen, everyone. Yeah. We did a tour, podcast tour. The second one we did, we had a big wall. I'm talking 80 feet of lamps, fake wooden fronted lamps and lampshades either side of the screen.

29:01We had all kinds of different stuff. We had a big The Blob costume that you were in. Cost four grand. Yeah, again, a business expense. Part of the tour comes off the back end. Came on my bank. So then we didn't. Since the tour ended two years ago, Rosie has been in a constant battle with the people who are storing it. so they stored all of that stuff and the people who work for our management have said, look, this stuff's still in storage. What do we do with it? I said, get rid of it.

29:30Rosie Ramsey:It's costing£60 a month, which is upsetting. I said, get rid of it. Rosie said, no, keep it in storage. No, get rid of it. Honestly, Rosie, pointless. Get rid of it. Waited ages. What do you want to do again? Get rid of it. No, keep it. Rosie gives in and finally, no, get it sent up to us. I said, don't get it sent up to us. Please don't get it sent up to us. Just get rid of it. She said, no, get it sent up to us. gets it sorted without me knowing, right? I'm not even on the email chain. Gets booked to come up to us. You go out for the day. That was the best bit. That was the best bit. Chris, there's a delivery coming.

30:03I'm thinking ASOS or some shit as usual. Oh, no, no. Oh, no, no. You know the Warburton's lorries you see on the motorways, guys? Fucking bigger than that. Bigger than that. Pulls up outside. I'm telling you, pulls up outside. This absolutely cool as fuck. South African or Australian, couldn't really tell by his accent. Racist. Surfery looking guy. Racist. Brilliant. Racist and a dick. So fucking sound. He jumped out. I went, you all right mate? He was like, well, that's a lovely day. The sun is shining. I was like, of course I'm all right. I was like, nice one. This guy is so positive. I was like, this guy's great.

30:36He opened the back lorry. He went, don't worry, there's not much. Opened the back of the lorry. I'm telling you now, right? Eight, the best way to describe this, eight family sized wheelie bins. on wheels. Big wooden crates the size of them. Big, if you've got a family of six and you get the big fat wheelie bin.

30:56Rosie Ramsey:Like the Biffas. Aye. Eight of them, right? Maybe ten. I can't remember. It was a blur at the back of his thing. He goes, that's not that much. It's just this. Half his fucking lorry full. I went, you're joking. I went, all of them. Yeah, yeah. I'll give you a hand though. I went, okay. Open the gate. Gravel drive, by the way. So me and this guy are basically lifting and pulling them along the drive. I opened the garage. and we put them in the garage, and halfway through, we've half-filled that garage. That garage is fucked, right? And I'm getting more and more angry. So it's not all there? Not all there, but it was half-filled halfway.

31:31Come on, maths. Half-filled halfway, so the rest of it would fill the rest. And we put them in, and he's like, what is all this anyway? I went, and I'm like, he was the most positive man, and by the end, I wore him down, right?

31:42Rosie Ramsey:I'm glad I wasn't there to say that. Yeah, he went, what is all this? No, it was fine. I gave him money at the end. I gave him a tip. He was buzzing. He gave us a hug. saw how upset I was he gives a hug at the end yeah yeah because I give him like I give him a few quid like I was like oh man he gives a hug but it was mainly because you could see how upset I was because I kept going and he got more down off his lorry and I went oh it's all right mate come on and he went uh so what is all this I went art's uh it's for a show for like an arena show He went, oh, great. When's the show? I went, two years ago.

32:19He went, fucking what?

32:23I went, yeah, two years ago. He went, well, what? I went, this is all, it's all going to go in here. I went, and in six months' time, I'm going to have to take it all at the tip. I went, that's what it is. I'm not going to fit. We've moved loads of stuff from the garage. We've pushed it to the back. Do you know how many fucking light bulbs are in there? I know. There's a box of about 80 light bulbs. And we'll put them on. We've got them right at the front. By the end, he was just as sad as me until I gave him that money. Then he gave us a hug. And I text you a photo of the packed garage. And what did you reply?

32:49Oh. Oh. Admit you're wrong.

32:52Rosie Ramsey:I haven't said anything. Good. Yeah, totally wrong. I forgot how big an arena... In my defence, please may I have a little bit of a defence? No. Please, Your Honour. Who is Your Honour? Try. Your Honour, please may I stake my case? Please bring the spider up. I'll say it to him. I was just about to say do you want to make us feel better no I'm not eating a spider no why did you go to eating it what are you talking about I'm not shagging a spider

33:24you have to shag the spider I'd have to film it can I throw the spider at you

33:27Rosie Ramsey:no no no no I'd be no I would die no I would die I would die I would die please don't throw the spider at us okay in my defence when we did that arena tour Rafe was six months old genuinely I was postpartum that was the first one he was a year old still you're still fucked after you tell me you're not fucked it takes five years for you to get back to any sort of normality as a woman after children right I was fucked blur blur well done everyone who came if you enjoyed it like I don't fucking know how because I was a mess right and and I forgot how big the arenas were and I genuinely thought I thought clues in the name I was like clues in the name no honestly Chris please forgive us I thought there'll be about 10 there'll be about 10 I know, there's like loads.

34:13Rosie Ramsey:Anyway, I'm - And the lamps are bigger than any - All right. And I'm going to do something about it. You don't have to do anything about it. I'm going to sort it. I'm going to charity them off. But you know, for raffles and shit like that, I'm going to give away the lamp bulbs. I'm going to give them away. And we'll sign them the lamps. Like the lamp shades. Oh, the lamp shades, right, not the light bulbs. And we're going to sign them. Sorry, guys. And we're going to sign all the light bulbs. Lot number 15 on the raffle. It's 80. Yeah. 80 LED light bulbs. Do you want a hug? No. Do you want a sorry hug?

34:40Are you going to apologise? Oh, sorry. Oh, okay. Come on then. Here's a cuddle.

34:48Say it. Say it's sorry. Sorry.

34:53Rosie Ramsey:You all right? It's a cuddle. It's ridiculous. Oh. Yeah. So. Well, it's couldn't have gone better. It is ridiculous. I'm sorry. You are right. You are totally right. Yeah. I'm just, I'm such a cheapskate. I'm such a cheapskate it was when he asked when the show was and I said I know but in my head I was like well I bought them lamps they're mine I mean it killed us because I don't know what's happened with the backdrop don't sit me do not sit me in a meeting going oh right okay so this backdrop costs 25 grand this is going to cost this because in my head I go it's a lot of money I don't know but it's part alright how many times have you said to me Lady Gaga I didn't make any money on her tours because she didn't because she put on such a show she spent everything that she earned on the tours we didn't do that she would have took her lamps back yes she fucking would have well more fool her more fool her anyway it's fine it's fine it's fine it's fine I'm not getting I'm not getting anything out of the garage I'm not going in to re-pressurise the boilers I'm not moving any of that I won't touch it that's your that is your bed you fucking lie in it okay yeah I I honestly what about a car boot sale?

36:11A car boot sale that exclusively just sells fucking massive lampshades And actually I don't even know if they're in good condition No they're not they're fucked Are they? Yeah they've been all piled on top of each other in boxes they're completely fucked You might as well have delivered rubbish to our house actual rubbish It's It's unbelievable It was By the way it was fucking boiling when me and him were taking them in

36:35Rosie Ramsey:Where did I go? You went out with your mates It's on the piss. Oh, yeah. Me and him. Me and this guy were sweating. I didn't think there'd be that much. I'm sorry. I know I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot. Gravel drive. It's a gravel drive. I thought, well, yeah, look. Ah. Right. Well, look, you know, here, I can put some of the lamp, the shade things, the things. In this room? I can put some up in here and they are in here. Yes. I'll decorate the full thing. Hang them from the seat. Right, it's fine. Okay. Look at the screen. Look at the wide shot. It's already busy. You can't put a load of fucking lampshades in here.

37:10No, it'll be nice.

37:10Rosie Ramsey:The stripes and stuff, yeah. I'll put them up behind you. We'll put them on that slopey. Right, there we go. There's a couple of things. There's three inches of the box. Oh, man. I'll stop talking about it. I'm going to get on. Oh, don't. No, I'm sorry. It's fine. It's just funny. It's just a funny little thing. I'm in a little life middle. Imagine I use that comeback. Chris, you're always a bloody girl if you do this. Hey, it's just a little quirky, little funny thing, isn't it? Hey, hey. that's basically stop taking us away from me family ah there's not we just we don't have a garage now oh boo fucking who check your privilege isn't someone's you don't have garages isn't someone's bath at the back of our garage when they want that when they when's he gonna come he's gonna have to climb over the lamps

37:55alright Kev you're gonna need a bath after you've sweated your tits off moving all these fucking lamps to get your bath

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39:13Sign up for your$1 per month trial today at shopify.com slash realm. Go to shopify.com slash realm. That's shopify.com slash realm. I didn't like what you said, Odin pauses, about the future. This is the love story of real hinge couple Odin and Edward, written and read by me, Curtis Garner. Listen to the free audiobook now.

39:45The perfect lunch combo. That first bite of your favorite sub, followed by ice-cold Pepsi. Add a couple of friends, and now that's next level. Suddenly, the laughs get louder, the stories keep flowing, and the food tastes better. Because Pepsi brings out more flavor, more fun, and more of the moment. Food deserves Pepsi. Grab a Pepsi Zero Sugar today.

40:10It's time for questions from the public.

40:14Rosie Ramsey:Public. As always, if you'd like to get in touch, it is shagmodanoid at gmail.com. And that's if you want to send a long-form email or a story or anything like that. That would be absolutely lovely. And if you want me to hear your voice, and if you're happy for your voice to be played on the podcast, send a voice note via WhatsApp to 07874 406650. Thank you in advance, you legends. Hello, Ramses. Hi. Long-time listener, first time emailed. Thank you for that. We'll love that, you know. Just send it. It's fine. The worst thing that will happen is not read it out. We're not going to be like... I imagine it's quite like nerve wracking sending something in putting yourself out there and sending something in and then you think oh they haven't read it out but we'll get fucking loads of these things sometimes they don't get read out we're going backwards though I know what it we are going backwards don't even get us started I know what it's like even when I just put anything on Instagram I still get mad anxiety about putting stuff on Instagram and people being like this is fucking shit but they don't if people they'll just not look at it you know what I mean I know I'm starting out to not care and just put stuff out and whatever.

41:19Rosie Ramsey:Whatever. I'm going to start putting golf stuff out because I want some free golf stuff. All right, okay. What are you after? Everything. Right. Like what? Clubs. Clothes. You've got any more? Balls. I want more. I want it all free. I know people who get like, they get sent stuff for free. Veruga salt? What's her name? Veronica. Veruga? What are you talking about? The spoiled girl of Charlie and Charlie Factory. Oh. I don't know. Just golf. It's all sponsorship. Everything runs on sponsorship in golf. You just, you know, basically Jimmy McGee, who I've been playing golf with, says that he knows people who run little golf podcasts and stuff.

41:53And they just get fucking ping sponsors and sends them loads of clubs and that. And I'm like, I'll have a bit of that.

41:57Rosie Ramsey:Just buy it yourself. Nah. I refuse. I refuse. I'll sell all them lamps. That'll be me apology. I'm going to get rid of all them lamps. Oh, no, I'm giving it to charity. Could you be charity?

42:13Rosie Ramsey:Oh, fuck it. No, come on then. All right. No. Just buy stuff. I will, I will. You've got enough money. But I want... It's the kudos of getting sent it for nothing is the cool bit. Do you understand? You're not in golf. You don't get it. They've got loads to give away. Come on. All right, yeah. Listen. Yeah. Listening to the story of the guy who came home drunk and ate a full Christmas pudding. Ledge. Love him. Thought I'd write in to tell you of my dad's late night feast. Oh, I love a late night feast. One night he came home drunk and fried himself some onion. What the fuck? I mean, I love onion as much as the next person.

42:49Who's frying onion when they get in for a night out?

42:52Rosie Ramsey:It's a bit intense, isn't it? I told the story years ago, didn't I, of my two mates who stayed at, they went back to one of their mom and dad's houses and in the middle of the night, they made baking sarnies. Right. And they were like, I'm sure I've told you this. I don't know. It was Michael and Stevie years ago. Right. And they went back and they made baking sarnies and they were like, what's thick as hell this big? It was the gammon for the Sunday dinner the next day. They had gammon. They fried gammon sandwiches at like one in the morning at his man's house. I mean, delicious. What? Delicious.

43:22How pissed do you have to be to be eating a gammon, two bits of white bread and a fucking bit of gammon and going, thick this bacon like. What was your go-to pissed food?

43:33Rosie Ramsey:So, can I tell you mine? Always pizzas or chips for me. But you haven't been able to go to the takeaway. Oh, God, yeah. Well, just whatever's in. Mine was a tin of sweet corn. Oh. Oh. Oh, that's tragic. Just a tin of sweet corn. Toast. Toast for me. Toast was pretty good. I stayed at my mate's house once. Bread, anything bread based. Yeah. I stayed at my mate's house once and he was making with sausage sarnies. Right, nice. He was in Leeds. He was a student in Leeds. Went back to his and he was making with sausage sandwiches. And while the sausages were cooking, I ate a full loaf of bread and butter.

44:08Rosie Ramsey:Doesn't surprise us at all. Full loaf. So he took four slices out, two for him, two for me. and while I was waiting, I buttered and ate the rest of the loaf of bread. You're a maniac. And you wouldn't have put on a pound either. Yeah. I'd have gone up a dress size if I'd have ate a loaf of bread. But he was furious the next day. I mean, of course. Yeah. You didn't give a shit, did you? Nah. Did you give him any money? I think one half was on it. And I'd ate it all. No, I used to get... Down the street in Shields, there was a... I think it might still be there, Burger King, but it wasn't Burger King I understand no it was called something like King of Burgers something like that but it wasn't takeaway king no I'm sure it was called it was called like on the hill Burger King on the left it was Fowler Street on the left I know what you mean it had a crown but it wasn't Burger King it's not there anymore is it no it was King of Burgers something really clever that was my go to place I used to get a beef burger with raw onion slices and tomato ketchup hadn't pulled then had you no No, no.

45:10Rosie Ramsey:It was never on a pulled night. I wouldn't get food if I was having a shag. No, thank you. No, of course not. I'm not doing that. Wait in the bedroom, love. I'm just eating this burger. No, it was a walk-home burger. Yeah, of course. It was a walk-home piss-in-the-park burger. Are you joking? So that was my go-to. But also what I forgot is when I would get home, sometimes soup and noodles. That was a good one. Nice, nice, nice. That was a good one. Quick. Right, listen. One night, this bloke, this dad, he came home drunk and fried himself some onion. Awful. nothing else just onion however in the morning when my mother discovered the used pan she asked him what he made and he replied i just uh i just fried up the onion we had i just fried up the onion that we had oh that we found it was a perplexed face on my mother which gave the first clue something wasn't right we don't have any onions she replied god uh he says yeah we do They were in a bag under the sink.

46:07Rosie Ramsey:And that's when the realisation hit. What's he from? She replied, they weren't onions. They were dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. Have I got a guess? You can guess if you want. I don't think you're going to get it. Were they a food? Er, no. Oh, God. What's he done? I don't think you're going to get it. Shall I tell you? I'm scared. Yeah. Don't be scared. It's not that bad. Right. They were daffodil bulbs. bulbs he'd cut up and fried a bag full of daffodil bulbs that's fucking wonderful that's disgusting serves you right for wanting fried onion after your night out as if you don't fucking stink enough but that's disgusting that's so horrible would he not die?

46:53Rosie Ramsey:I don't know no probably not they'll make it ill probably it gets worse and that's not the only terrible food story about my dad my mother this really upset is and I don't know, it's not even that bad, but it's just like, how? Some things can get you, we know this. Stupid. My mother went out and left him instructions on how to make tea. One part was mashed potatoes. This is what my dad would have done. Right. And she'd left on the instructions, boiled potatoes already in the pan, mash. Right. However, she left out one important part. My brother, 30 years later, still talks of the PTSD he has from being served a plate of what can only be described as a mashed potato soup.

47:35Rosie Ramsey:That's right. I just found out what he's done. He didn't drain the water. So he's boiled them in the water and then he's mashed them in the water. He didn't drain the water as it wasn't on the instructions. That's foul. That's foul. So he just mashed the full lot and served it. Safe to say he's never cooked us a meal since. Why is that so upsetting? What a waste of potatoes. That's so upsetting. I can't even begin to think about the texture. It must have been like it must be like paint. Yeah. But you can't mash all the lumps out. That's impossible. No, it would have been like a watery wallpaper paste.

48:10Watery porridge. Horrible. Oh, it's making us feel a bit sick. I know, isn't it really sad? I think I might get people, you know, you can remember the fishbowl thing that I did years ago when someone spat in the fishbowl. This will get people. I can taste that. I can feel that. I can feel that going down, lumps and water going down my throat. That's upsetting.

48:26Rosie Ramsey:I love mashed potato. What's your favourite kind of potato? I've never done this I'm going to sound like such a posh twat what? you know what my favourite kind of potato is store from what? Hasselback Hasselback that's not posh is it not posh? what you fucking just cutting it on a spoon? no it takes a bit of time yeah it's probably decadent but it's not posh I like a Hasselback potato and I like a roast potato I'm doing them for tea roast potatoes? you're welcome oh not fancy Hasselbacks? no I haven't bought new potatoes great nice mine's jacket Tune in next week for more Absolute Shite What's your favourite dating?

49:04Rosie Ramsey:Just really quickly Men, you cannot win You just can't win Right, what is this? I think we hate you Yeah, you do, yeah, yeah But we're still procreating And still, whatever Doing stupid stuff on men But I think deep down We'll find you repulsive So, this is from a lady Thank you for admitting it We took our kids to an RNLI fundraiser today RNLI, Royal the lifeboat thing. Yeah. Yeah. Where we got to two other lifeboats. I overheard a guy ask one of the lifeboat volunteers permission to come aboard. Ick.

49:42Rosie Ramsey:We hate you. I love that. We hate you. I love it. Permission to come aboard. On a day.

49:52Oh yeah. Love that. What a guy. What a guy. I'd say something like that that's great

49:59Rosie Ramsey:oh there's another one here we do hate yous right you can't you can't win great okay hey Rosie and Chris long time listener first time emailer quick ick for you here my friend has been seeing a guy for a few months and she was trying to arrange a dinner date as they tend to just head out for drinks instead the lad said he couldn't afford it because his car was in for an MOT ick

50:26why is that that's that's one of the harsh no that's one of the harshest ones that's so harsh

50:33Rosie Ramsey:paying for his mot so he's a bit strapped by cash and you'd think it's an ick ick how dare you how far i'm not i'm laughing at like the only reason i laughed is because it's So fucking brutal. So brutal. I know. Oh. Yes, you can't win. You can't. These are just the worst. Nah. Really. Nah. Poor guy. This one, I fear you may relate to this with me. Okay. Okay. Because I fear that I would do this. Hi, Chris and Rosie. This sort of ick is about my husband's bedtime routine. he likes to lie in bed watching netflix on his phone and his earphones in while he goes to sleep so he's little there must be bluetooth ones fine whatever marriage okay great last night however he decided he was feeling a little bit frisky so netflix was apparently put on hold and we did the deed afterwards he gets up switches the lights on and that's when i notice he still had one headphone in the entire time.

51:37Oh, no.

51:41Rosie Ramsey:Just one. One headphone in the entire time. Sitting in his ear like he was working a shift on the taxis and waiting for the next job to come through. Honestly, my vagina packed a bag, crawled back inside my body and I fell for a disorder. I love that. I bet you should bollock them. Have you had that air pod in the whole time? What if he accidentally rang someone? What was he listening to? Was it still playing? He might have had the phone on the side. He might have. But how do you not know it's still in? You would be away. No, sometimes I don't realise mine are still in. Oh, really? Sometimes I don't realise.

52:12I went to the toilet on the train once and I looked in the mirror and I went, oh, fucking hell, my AirPods are still in. I didn't realise.

52:18Rosie Ramsey:I've stopped using them. I've gone old school. I think you're clever. It's because they just sit on the outside of your ear. That's funny. That's so... Imagine he had his socks on as well. Oh. Socks. No. Some kind of tool belt. Instant divorce. And one ear pod. and a hat a hat but you can leave I once had a sex with a guy who left his hat on really awful what kind of hat like a woolly hat like a smurf

52:50Rosie Ramsey:it's all coming back it's all coming back to me now Papa Smurf bad times Oh, that's hilarious. Hi, Chris and Rosie. You alright? Just watched your latest podcast on YouTube. Watched? Is this Barry B? It's a character. I love him. All right, I'll wait. Probably lives. Probably lives. I live round the corner. And with Chris talking about Farton reminded me of something that happened the other day when the temperatures were ridiculously high i was on the bus coming home from whitley bay to blithe and make sense now the heating was on the bus for some reason and none of the windows were open eventually got to my stop i was so happy but as i was getting off i could feel something rumbling and as i was walking down the aisle to get to the get off the bus i foughted twice now my thoughts are horrible so i got off the bus the doors closed the bus went away with my thoughts still inside of it and was i bothered was i

54:23Rosie Ramsey:he got me yes nice that was nice that was up there when people used to tiger trap wear oh do you think but do you think you farted on the bus i don't know whether you farted on the bus but i did that was that was just a good enjoyable little story beautiful was i thought well done well done mate right we'll do what do you want do you want sex vape accent ick or flies at that ick. Sex vapour immediately. Sex vapour? Are you kidding us? Right, okay. You're serious. Hey, I hope you're both well. We've just listened to this week's episode of the podcast and started getting flashbacks to potentially the biggest dick I've ever had in my life.

55:00So this all happened after a date with my ex-boyfriend. We'd gone to an Italian restaurant. It was lovely, so romantic.

55:07Rosie Ramsey:I'm talking candles. I'm talking wines flowing, carbonara's flowing. We've had a great time. We carry on this lovely little Italian romantic mood back to his house. back to his bedroom you know key information about this bedroom this bedroom is dark this is he's got a typical man bedroom i'm talking navy bedsheets it's also nighttime so it's dark outside plus closing the curtains and the door this room is pitch black this is key information very key information you'll see why in a second right anyway we're doing the little one two we're doing the deed i am facing the wall he is behind me this again is very key information he's behind me i can't see what he's doing it's very dark that's fine i don't need to see what's going on at the end of the day however what i didn't need to see in the middle of sex where you know i'm putting in a top performance i'm give i'm giving it a good go as it happens i see on the wall in front of me in the pitch black this little blue light appears on the wall this little blue light Accompanying the blue light is a sound that I will do an impression of in hopes that you understand what he was doing.

56:23Brilliant.

56:24Rosie Ramsey:Then followed by a cloud of smoke all in the middle of sex. This man has picked up his fruity little vape and has started vaping in the middle. Absolutely not. In the middle of sex. Honestly, I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't know if I was here or there. So I did naturally what I think anyone else would do in that situation, which is stop the action, throw a strop until he got me a McFlurry. I didn't see any other way out of that situation. Let me know, what would you do if you found yourself in that situation where middle of sex, you just... Wow. Hits his vape, hits his fruity little vape, his little blackcurrant flavoured vape.

57:05Rosie Ramsey:Anyway, I'm not with him anymore. I'm sure you can figure out why. Good. Bye, love you. wow that was a lot wasn't it first of all the first guy who did the voice note and her I'd love to put them in a room together worlds apart I would just love to put them in a room together that is that is right I'm telling you right now any TV producer that's listening him and her in a camper van touring America that's the show that's the show we're going to make no do the one on channel 4 when they cuff them together alright yeah there we go anyway we're in a vaping epidemic It's disgusting that, like. Like, put your...

57:42Rosie Ramsey:How long are you having sex for? It lit up the fucking room. It lit up the room. The navy bedsheet was upsetting. Yeah, they're going to be. That's the dark boy bedroom. They're going to show up. If our kids... I don't think I can go with that, like. Do you know what I mean? If Robin's like, I want a dark bedroom. I'd be like, no. It's not happening. Because you're going to put girls off. Or boys. I don't know. Do the kids like dark bedrooms? I don't know. Who knows? But listen... So she sees the reflection of the light on the wall and then she hears the and then but they were together see I didn't know whether it was a one night stand because I feel like a one night stand that would be horrific but they're a couple they're comfortable and he's just thought I'm going to vape wait till isn't cigarettes after sex apparently there's nothing better in the world than a cigarette after sex wouldn't know because I've never smoked but I've done it before but well there we go never done it in a bed though never done it straight away I've done it on like a front doorstep classy it's alright it was quite nice classy hat on or off don't smoke you'll set me hat on fire oh bad times the 2000s were brutal for me really really brutal I just love being remembered how I rescued you from a life of shit you're welcome you did actually because I think yeah and what have you done to thank us you filled me garage with fucking crap yeah I've also saved you you You are just a better...

59:10Rosie Ramsey:You don't talk about your one-night stands on here. But I know there's been plenty. You're just better at keeping it secret than me. You'd be surprised. What do you mean? I've had loads of one-night stands. Yes, you did. You fucking did. All right, then. I never left my hat on, though, so... You left your socks on with me one time. Do you remember? Did I? Yeah, you did. Awful. Wow. I know. It was very early days. Really? I don't know if I've ever said that. Honestly. I'm so sorry where's my cuddle I haven't even got any on now oh you see good glad I don't like socks I'd have to take them off to do the podcast it was winter it was November yeah okay

59:53as always

59:54Rosie Ramsey:thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shagged Married Annoyed do you know what it's been an absolute pleasure talking to you Rosemary and to you the listener this week thank you so so much if you want to get in touch at shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com to send a long-form email or to send a voice note. We're loving the voice notes, by the way. Yeah, but you see now I slow this down as I get my phone out to check the number because I still don't know the number because I think I'd say it wrong and it'll be terrified. Voice note 07874-406650. Email shagraryroad.gmail.com. chrisramseycomedy.com to get tickets for my tour, which starts again next month all over the UK.

1:00:29Derby, Liverpool, Hull. Hull, pull your fucking finger out, Hull. You were whinging that I wasn't there last time and now you haven't even filled the place. I'll get yous all and that's it from me all love all bye I want to date with Roars Carty says Roars? Raka asks this is the love story of real hinge couple Carty and Raka written and read by me Nicola Dinan listen to the free audiobook now

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