In short
The Ramseys’ hungover “delicate” morning after heavy wine, plus messy relationship squabbles (snoring, heating, shared cash), parenting moments, and a comedic history/sex tangent about the “glory hole” term. They also discuss itchy palms superstition vs fungal/skin causes, AI video anxiety, squirrels in the garden, curry “poo” stories, and a childhood pharmacy-developed-photo scandal.
Guests
No guests appear. Hosts are Rosie Ramsey and Chris Ramsey (with recurring mentions of their friend Carl Hutchinson and their son Rafe).
Key claims
Itchy palms usually indicate a skin/health issue, not luck. “Plan B” delays ovulation after unprotected sex (sponsor). The “glory hole” term’s earliest recorded physical hole is cited as 1707; anonymous sex slang prominence is cited as 1949. AI videos may be intentionally made “out of sync” to blur what’s real.
Notable examples
Dropping vitamin D tablets and spilling oat milk while hungover; Rosie’s first “spicy curry poo” after Dishoom; “happy madras” to control spice; a childhood photo order returning explicit porn with the family dog superimposed.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOItchy Palms and Self-Care
1:27 to 3:14
Discussion about superstitions around itchy palms and self-care routines.
“Itchy palms aren't a sign of anything other than a skin or health condition that causes itching.”
Hangover Tales and Podcast Misadventures
3:15 to 6:16
Sharing experiences of being hungover and the challenges of recording a podcast.
“Because you've just talked about, we're two minutes 40 in and you've talked about your itchy fungal palms.”
Observations on Class and Work
6:17 to 11:15
Reflections on socio-economic class differences and productivity in the workplace.
“Thank you, I've been doing some previews.”
Elon Musk and AI Concerns
11:16 to 14:00
Discussion on Elon Musk's claims about uploading consciousness and fears of AI.
“I'm leading on straight to me next note.”
Episode Discussion
14:00 to 28:00
“I'll have to think of something else for her.”
Comedic Mishaps and Phone Etiquette
28:00 to 29:20
The hosts discuss a comedian's humorous voicemail incident and the importance of phone settings.
“off that comedian a fucking hell that answer machine message off that comedian when he woke up saying, I don't know who you are because he didn't have his number anymore.”
Temperature Differences and Wardrobe Malfunctions
29:20 to 30:50
The hosts share a humorous debate about temperature preferences and wardrobe choices during recording.
“We are not, we run at different temperatures.”
Cashless Society and Shared Finances
30:50 to 33:10
A discussion about the challenges of living in a cashless society and sharing household finances.
“It's not about the actual currency, the money.”
The Nature of Anticipation and Communication
33:10 to 34:20
Hosts discuss the frustrations of anticipation in communication with family.
“So the problem was, does anyone else listening ever have this way?”
Aesop's Fables and Childhood Stories
34:30 to 36:30
The hosts reminisce about Aesop's Fables and share stories from their childhood.
“Send us whatever you like And let's hope it's not too disgusting today Because I'm slightly hanging and I will be sick No, I don't think they are actually Are we alright?”
Show all 18 chapters
Glory Holes and Historical Context
36:30 to 42:01
A humorous discussion on the history and cultural implications of glory holes.
“I think I've watched one of the kids' YouTube things and it was a fox and a gingerbread man and the fox ate the gingerbread man.”
Nostalgia for Film Cameras
42:01 to 43:56
Discussion about memories associated with using film cameras and developing photos.
“My mom worked in a charity shop back in the early 90s.”
Unexpected Photo Surprises
43:57 to 46:04
A funny story about developing photos that revealed unexpected and inappropriate content.
“from the pharmacy staff nice walking home I opened the envelope excited to see pictures of my dog to be greeted by a close-up of a huge, massive, hairy bush.”
Embarrassing Memories from Youth
46:05 to 48:46
Sharing embarrassing moments from past holidays and the strange things captured on film.
“Imagine the moral dilemma they had of these fucking full on porn photos are getting picked up by a 12 year old.”
Embarrassing Memories from Youth
48:47 to 49:17
Sharing embarrassing moments from past holidays and the strange things captured on film.
“Pandora jewelry brings the sparkle to your summer.”
Chaos with a Sausage Dog
50:24 to 53:10
A wild story about caring for a friend's dog that had a peculiar issue.
“I figured it's finally time I shared some stories with you.”
Tales from a Wild Night
53:11 to 56:00
A humorous recount of a friend's drunken escapades and chaotic situations.
“Rather than suggest a trip to an emergency vet, The bitch nipped home to the next street, came back brandishing a tube of KY jelly announced, I need to rub some on the dog's cock and ease it back in.”
A Comedic Drunken Tale
56:00 to 1:01:12
Listen to a humorous story about a drunken escapade involving a friend's mother.
“fucking great show great show hi Rosie and Chris hello A gift of a tale from my then teenage brother.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Coming up on this week's episode of Shag, Married and Odd. We are both very delicate. Ooh. Off the alcohol. Wine heads. But we're alright. Yeah. And we're soldier on. Yeah. For you, dear listener. Yeah. For you. And for us. Because it's our job. Mm-hmm. We find out when the glory hole was invented. We, honestly. You're learning. Actual historical facts coming at you here. Yeah. Bit sexual, but you know, it is what it is. It makes it more interesting. We get a horrendous story in about a sausage dog that I'm still a little bit upset about. We celebrate Rosie's first curry poo. Oh, there you are.
0:34And it's too fucking hot in this room, and it's Rosie's fault. But I'll get over it. Enjoy. Plan B is a backup birth control option that's there for you when things don't go according to plan. It specifically works after unprotected sex and before pregnancy occurs by temporarily delaying ovulation. Plan B is available nationwide at all major retailers and through delivery apps like DoorDash. No ID, prescription, or age requirement. It's the number one OBGYN-recommended brand of emergency contraception, and it won't impact your future fertility. That's Freedom the Bee. Use as directed. Legally, we can't say drinking Storm makes you smarter and more focused.
1:15But with zero sugar, 200 milligrams of caffeine, and immunity support, you're smarter and more focused for drinking Storm. Storm. Good energy in, good energy out. Energy for life. hello you're listening to shag around annoyed with me rosie ramsey my husband chris ramsey hello hello hello uh i've got itchy palms what does it mean it i think it means you're gonna come into money oh cha-cha-chinga i think so hang on right you do a little introduction and i'll google it well to to expand on the itchy palms that i'm talking about here i don't believe it means anything like that i believe it means um that my hands are really dry at this time of year but I'm too fidgety and too sort of pinnickety to put I don't like moisturiser I don't like put it on because I feel like I feel like I've just ate a fucking burger or something I feel like it's grease on my hands see I love it I love that feeling I'll put it on before bed yeah that's a book alright I should do that listen itchy palm superstition holds that if you have itchy palms you're about to experience good luck come into money or meet someone new But in reality, here we go.
2:24Here we go. Romy dreams. Itchy palms aren't a sign of anything other than a skin or health condition that causes itching. So, you are... It'll be BJJ. That was a rollercoaster of emotions, I'll be honest with you. I was going to be rich. I was going to meet some new friends. I was going to be lucky. And then, oh no, you saw something wrong with you. You've got a fungal infection. I don't know what it is. It's just an itchy lip. But like I say, I just feel... Sometimes I do it. Sometimes I try to be Mr. Self-Care. I'm like, oh, do you know what? I'll get some nice hand stuff. Oh, it smells nice.
2:51Oh yeah, fast absorbing. It's fucking never fast absorbing. It's the biggest lie in products, right? But I always need to then open something or do something. It always just arises. As soon as I put some cream on, I say, oh, you need to open that thing. Can you save this for life? Not the podcast. What? We've pressed record. You talk about your stupid itchy palms. Fucking hell. God, I just thought everyone would want to know what's going on in my life. Welcome to the show. That's all that's going on in my life. Should we start again? No, why'd you do this? Because you've just talked about, we're two minutes 40 in and you've talked about your itchy fungal palms.
3:22Roof, everyone has learned something. Great. Wow. Well, I don't say episode numbers anymore, do I? Because the algorithm doesn't fucking like it. Guys, thank you so much for watching. Thank you so much for listening to what is genuinely bullshit. Yeah. But we really do appreciate it. And without further ado, it's time for this week's lucrative sponsor. Oh, here it goes. Oh, by the way, can I tell them all? What? I'm really hungover, so... Well, well, this week's sponsor might explain why I'm talking shit. Okay. This week's sponsor is the Have I Got Away With It Hangover. Right. So that's what I've got today.
3:57So I woke up, no headache, didn't feel sick, felt tired, but I always feel tired. And then I started trying to do menial tasks and I couldn't. Your mom was standing in the kitchen with us. I was trying to get me vitamin D tablets out of the pot. I'm not joking. I dropped them four or five times on the floor to the point where she went, what are you doing? And I went, I can't stop dropping these tablets. You're trying to trick your mind into being fine, but we're not. Because we did, we went to our favorite restaurant in the world, Coleman's Seafood Temple. Coleman's! Fuck, let's see what I mean.
4:31Coleman's Seafood Temple in South Shields. Obviously, we're big fans. And Richard, our friend, is doing, he's trying a new thing where every month, I think it's like around the bar, there's like 12 people, and there's a sommelier there. And we did the wine pairing with all of the, it was like spanish menu it was absolutely lush absolutely she's gonna do it once a month i think there's a waiting list at the minute but if you go in and you ask them about it you get you on the list um and i can't speak today because i drank too much yeah yeah yeah yeah and i but i we did that thing because normally we're really clever whenever we've got the podcast i refuse to believe that but carry on no sorry not clever i meant just like careful careful can't i am sorry i can't speak i'm hydrating watch out normally we're very careful and we think no the podcast is serious it's what main job yeah we'll take it seriously but last night i did it fuck it yeah i went you only live once this is really nice this imperial ham is the best time i've ever had and i just drank too much so here we are yeah and then uh after i dropped all of the tablets on the floor and stuff uh i then try to make myself a coffee and i got the milk out of the fridge and it's in a carton i use that like long life oat milk and i shook it and the top wasn't unpopular and it went stop it everywhere on me on i was just like fuck today yeah fuck today but i'm all right i feel fine i probably sound a bit bad oh don't touch me at your palms there see you're so excited you're so invested you're gonna give me that fun i don't know what it is i did go to bjj fuck knows but listen guys it's all all right we're gonna we're we are a couple of little soldiers yeah we are gonna bash through this we're gonna bash through it thank you for listening thank you for please subscribe and all of that crap and let's play the intro and let's have a bloody let's put a big boy pants on and do a bloody podcast yeah let's so fucking we should have had a bottle of wine I've got to bet the fuck I've got to get the kids I've got to get the kids from school later on we had a fight about the jingle we couldn't settle on a jingle so this is the jingle jingle we hope you like the jingle jingle
6:46hello and welcome back to shack married and i nearly you just nearly stopped there nearly stopped um listen what i did was because i knew i knew today was going to be difficult right so what i've done is i've gone through me i've gone through my notes of stuff that i've been meaning to say to you that i haven't said okay and i wrote a thing down and i said that I forgot about it and I spoke to Carl the other day because I talked about it in my new stand-up show a bit. Thank you, I've been doing some previews. There's still a few tickets for the main tour on there, on the website. Not many. Most venues are basically sold out.
7:15But I talk about how, like, you know, your life changes as you get on. And then sort of, you know, I've been very working class and then I've straddled a sort of different part of it. But that's not the main bit of it. But I found myself when I was in a posh hotel the other day doing a gig, I found myself in the changing room of the spa of that hotel. is this the hotel you went to without me yes the very nice hotel I went to without you but I was working not the hotel where I had to roll up a towel and put it under the door because the corridor smelled that bad it's been a mixed bag this is my point I find myself in two different worlds I couldn't get the lock I was working and I was a bit worried I was putting my room key and my phone and stuff in the lock and I couldn't get it the lock and then I heard a conversation with the guys next to us so one guy said to the other guy he went oh I've got to get back the office now and blah blah blah and at my office it's uh it's it's honestly it's just like a skinny little corridor with just my desk in it but i find that uh i found that i really get stuff done in there and then he turned to the guy and it was just a normal conversation for this guy and it knocked me on it knocked me on my arse he turned i've written it down i picked me phone up and i wrote it down as he said it he turned the guy and he said so uh what sort of working environment is conducive to your productivity.
8:28Oh. I didn't, when he said that, I was no longer worried that the lock I didn't lock. Yeah, they're not nicking anything. No one's nicking anything in the air. Like, I went, like that, and both of us, and I was like, and I got my phone out and I wrote it down. Unless, sometimes, rich people steal things just for the buzz. Ah, like, what's his name did it with the cheese allegedly back in the day, didn't he? Anthony Warhol Thompson. Ah, didn't he nick cheese? Oh yeah, he did, didn't he? Allegedly. Allegedly. Didn't Winona Ryder have a load of fucking... Winona Ryder did the same years ago. She's done all right.
8:58She's in Stranger Things now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's like a kleptomaniac thing. So actually, you should always... You can't go, oh, it'll be safe here. Because... Well, I immediately thought... Some little toss-out might just do it for the crack. What did they say again? I wrote it down. What sort of working environment is conducive to your productivity? Wow. I wanted to go, sorry, is this a fucking job interview or a chat? Yeah. What are you doing? Some people... I mean, listen. he's just been he's just been brought up well he's educated he's educated he's educated man he's educated and I'm jealous and he's had a nice life yeah some people just say some really mint words in conversations you know and I'm always blown away yeah so we're just sick of shit hold on we're not we're not but hold on so here's this is the point I heard years ago on a podcast on Ricky Gervais podcast years ago there's a phrase that says and I don't know if I've ever run this past year there's a phrase if a lion could speak English you wouldn't understand it.
9:54Have I ran that past you before? I've heard that before. If a lion could speak English you wouldn't be able to understand it. And the point is even if it could talk its world is so different to your world that you wouldn't be able to have a bickering with it. I don't believe it until I hear people say stuff like that and then I go oh yeah, yeah. Mainly I go we wouldn't get on. No offence to the guy. What kind of I would go one of my mates said to me what kind of environment is conscious for your productivity? I'd go sorry are you one fucking word of data I'll pay my now dickhead. who are you showing off to how would you phrase that how do you work best I wouldn't even say I wouldn't ask someone that no you might no you might if you're having a conversation with someone who works at home you might say I'd say do you not find do you not find working from home sometimes you cannot really separate you cannot really get motivated for work and then you cannot really relax for life yeah yeah yeah I wouldn't say what kind of work and environment is conducive to your productivity definitely not with other people there That's upsetting, hasn't it?
10:50What did the guy reply? He started explaining how he... I mean, I was getting my phone out and I was laughing, but from my memory, he started explaining what his office was like. Okay. What's your office like? Would have done. Yeah, yeah. Who were you showing off to? I mean, his office sounded awful. That was the one thing I wanted to go, you sound really posh, but your office sounds terrible. Well, prison cell. Who knows? So there we go. Great. I'm glad we cleared that up. What else have you got to tell us? It was... I'm leading on straight to me next note. It was... Rafe's new phrase that I've heard him use a couple of times to use Rafe's new phrase it was very not nice I love very not nice
11:30oh very not nice my dad that was very not nice it was it was very not nice he's also started which I actually said to I think it was Steph I can't remember I said it was Steph or you he started looking at me and sorry if you I know you're listening you won't under see this but he started going like that with his eyebrows for Ozzy's brow Do I do that? Yeah, you do that a lot. Okay, so that's where he's got it from. Yeah. He does it all the time. He does it, so when I go and pick him up from school, he does it. He stands waiting for the teacher to get him out and he stands looking at us and a load of parents were laughing at him yesterday.
12:01Like, look at him, he's looking daggers at you. I was like, it's just a face he pulls. Listen. What? Rosie. Yes? Got some really good news for you. I love good news. I need some good news today to just get us out of this sort of like, oh my God, can we get a Chinese tonight? What is it? Yes, it's Wednesday. Yes. Would you like a Chinese tonight? Can we get a Chinese tonight? Let's get a Chinese takeaway tonight. Please, promise. Don't change your mind. Promise. Don't change your mind and be like, no. And then, and when we record all of the Please Keep Me Anonymous and we've got to do all that telly stuff in December and I cry, don't say you shouldn't have got that Chinese.
12:33Because I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it today. You're going to get, yes. We'll get a nice, I'll go and get it. Because this is the thing that I just sometimes, I love my job, but I hate having to be on the telly. You hate being filmed. I hate being filmed. I know you do. I know you do. It's fine. Here we are. Hello. It's fine. Hello. Hello everyone watching. Thank you for watching. Thank you for subscribing on YouTube. No, but this is me safe space. These guys know me. They've known me for years. If you're watching, you get it. Yeah. You're invested. You know me. You know when we crack.
12:59But people on the telly. I understand. Anyway. But I like being me. I like what I see. It's fine. You are having a hungover breakdown. Oh my God. I'm having a breakdown. Really good news. Really, really good news. Really good news. You're going to love it. You're going to hate it. Yes. Emperor Elon. Who is that? Elon Musk, the emperor of the world. Emperor Elon. Why are you calling him Emperor? Because he's Emperor. Stop that. What are you doing that for? Because everyone worships him because he's got money. Emperor Elon has... Oh, no, don't. Because he'll get the robots to kill us. Well, well, well.
13:31Oh, God. He's come out now and said, and you love stuff like this. This is right up your street. In 20 years, we will be able to upload human consciousness into robots. I mean, if that doesn't cheer you right up, I don't know what will. Don't want to be here then. In 20 years? I hope I will be here, but that's awful. Chris, this really upsets us stuff like this. I don't like it at all. Because now, no, but you know, people share AI videos and be like, isn't this shocking? And you're like, it's not real. When it really upsets us. Two seconds. Yep, hello? Elon? Yeah. She's not up for it, mate. She doesn't want it.
14:13Nah, I offered her. Nah. Yeah, Christmas. Christmas 2046. I'll have to think of something else for her. All right, cheers. Yeah, sorry. Honestly, Elon, I'll just have a hot water bottle. If kettles are still a thing. I don't want a robot with human consciousness. Your robot could be the perfect temperature all the time. You could always be the perfect temperature. And you'll have a little fan to cool you down when you're too hot and your little CPU. No, stop it. Okay. okay stop it okay it really freaks us out ai videos are really upsetting us really because it's just like you don't know what to believe anymore because they've gone so good but i've got a theory right i don't know lay it down i know we've got a lot of listeners i know sometimes you're not like meant to have an opinion but i think that they're deliberately making videos a little bit out of sync, real videos, so that you believe the AI videos more.
15:16Really? Yeah. And I'm putting it out there. Right. And maybe in a couple of years, I might remember this maybe, okay? All right. I think online, they're deliberately making real videos look really AI-ish, but also out of sync. Okay. Slightly out of sync, so you don't know. So it blows the line between the two? Yes. Wow. I've said it. There it is. I've been thinking it for a while because I'm on Instagram a lot. I see a lot of content. Are you not just watching AI videos? No, they're definitely not AI videos. Are you not just watching videos that are filmed by? I think someone is making stuff a little, so it blurs the line between.
15:51So you go, I don't know if it's AI or if it's not AI anymore. It's a great fucking excuse though. I'll see AI. Yeah. Shaggy, Mr. Trick, it wasn't me. It was AI. It was AI. Yeah. So I've just, that's it. That's me thoughts. That's me feelings. If I'm still here next week and I haven't been killed off by AI, then you know. Imagine they got you. I don't want to fix this out. Let's talk about something else. There was eight squirrels an hour gone the other day. Eight squirrels. And you know what me thought was? Me thought was... Four of them are AI.
16:24At least four of them are AI. This is bullshit. Check if their mouths are moving at the right time. And the other three look shit on purpose. I can't tell you there's a AI. No, me thought was, right? Because squirrels are cute. But they are, essentially they are vermin. I do believe the guy, sorry to interrupt there, I do believe the guy who I've used numerous times to get rats and wasps nests out of the house calls them tree rats. Tree rats, right? But I thought, imagine if I saw eight rats on the lawn. You'd be raging. I'd be seething. What were they doing? Eat them? They're around the tree.
16:53Dance routine. They're getting their acorns, aren't they? You know, they forget where they bury most of their nuts, you know that? It's like 80 % of their nuts. They just forget. They've got tiny little brains. Yeah. Haven't they? Well, they just can't stop burying them. They're like, I know. Eight of them? Eight of them? Like a few more and they could probably overthrow and take the house. Well, I thought like, what the fuck's going on? Eight. And then I remember we went to the park recently with Rafe's school, the class, and there were squirrels and they were like, a squirrel! And I was like, I'm going to eat in my garden.
17:22Check your privilege. Rafe, not even bothered. Check your privilege. Rafe was like, squirrels in your own garden, you spite little twat. Well, we do live in a conservation area. We do live in a conservation area. It's an Australian thing. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. big news in the Ramsey household and world everyone watching Rosie is it the boot room no oh I'm gonna make a boot room you're gonna make a boot room you're very excited yeah bigger news than that do you want to tell everyone the news we're getting the Chinese I don't know what's happened do you not remember the news come on you had your first come on I'll tell them I don't want to steal your moment but I'll tell them hang on have we vetted this first what have I had you had your first morning after a spicy curry curry poo yay everyone yay well done darling we did not I did not okay this for the podcast I had a bunch of flowers where's the flowers I did not okay this so you don't normally eat spicy food no never I did not okay this I'm about to explain it in full you don't normally eat spicy food no and we went to De Shum in London And by the way, the hype is real.
18:35About Dishoom. About Dishoom. I've never really been. It's incredible. I think you've ordered the wrong things. Yeah. You got the right things this time. I went with you, basically. Yeah. Oh, God, it was packed. It was even. Mad. It was cute. But you don't eat it. And you're like, yeah, I'm getting better. You're putting chili and pastas now. You're getting a bit better. I'm trying because I do. I love food. And I feel like I'm missing out on certain things when they've got a bit of spice. Yeah. Yeah. But you didn't realise it's spicy on the way in and it's spicy on the way out. You didn't know this.
19:04It hurt me bum. It hurts the spice on the way out. It honestly stung me little bum on. Remember me? It was like, I didn't, did I like it or did I, I don't know actually. It gets addictive. Okay. It gets addictive. Because I just, when I go for a curry, I normally just get like a chicken coma. Or like a chaslique. Very boring. Very, I've got a taste, taste sensation. Yeah. I wouldn't say chaslique's boring. When Shaz leaks the chicken with all the veg and that. Well, yeah, but it's, you know, it's just not, it's not spicy, basically. But yeah, we had, what did we have from the shum? It was like the lamb thing.
19:35Kima lamb thing, yeah. Oh, I mean, I had a kick. And yeah. Ooh. Welcome to the club. Put it there, pal. Congratulations. Hey, do you want to go on the, do you want to come in the group with me and my mates? No. So we've got a WhatsApp group, and every morning after we've had a curry, we all update each other how many poos we'll have the next day. And if they've hurt or not. It's just taken as well. They're all hurt. They're all hurt. the texts are all sent through tears okay I couldn't no but I couldn't eat like you eat blooming ridiculous you could eat a vindaloo I don't know about vindaloo I have a madras do you know what ask for a happy madras what's that mean anyone listening who likes a madras but sometimes it's a bit too spicy ask your ask your server for a happy madras it's just a a madras but don't make it weapons grade alright okay a little bit down happy madras do you know something really cool has happened to me recently Povendipoo as well as the boo two cool things My Kate was very impressed.
20:27I often go to the local Costa at Next, right, in South Shield. Right. The assets who work there are great. And me and Robin go sometimes on a weekend when he's got tennis, which is like a little bit of a bonding experience, just me and Robin. Very nice. And they have got my coffee absolutely bang on, because I'm really fussy with coffee. You know what I'm like. Are you about to tell me you are near the level of going in and saying, me usual, please, Governor? I'm there. I'm not near the level. am they I go in and she and the last that's genuinely impressive is so lovely and she like and they all know and then they go oh yeah the same as that and I go yeah shut up man the same as last time and the Robin also has Robin also has a usual he gets a decaf caramel latte what the fuck yeah I've never had that oh mate I'm buzzing I've never had the usual and Kate Kate because Kate is as fussy about coffee as me yeah and I said to her because I seen her walking outside her next and I was like do you want to come for a coffee and she was kind of like yeah yeah welcome come um knowing that they'll probably get it wrong and then she sat down and she went that coffee was amazing how have you done that i went just i've just like i've just been here more than twice honestly i'd be so i've seen it in films and stuff people go the usual please governor or whatever yeah i'd be so embarrassed to go cab usual and go sorry who the fuck are you no i've got it now what do you get and i also said to my mom i said to my mom she went oh do you get the did they get it perfect i went yeah i went i went i know this is really weird but like because of the podcast because I'm sometimes on telly I went if you go in and say I'm Rosie Ramsey's daughter can I have the same as hers they might do it I mean there's a possibility that the ghost sorry who depends who's on or the woman who comes in with the kid who drinks coffee and the kid who she buys her coffee for the kid who does not need coffee or her or the fussy cow the fussy cow the fussy cow came in with her sister as well who gave her the big one oh yeah we know her well yeah I just said to my mum like tell them that and I mean I'll be mortified if she goes in they'll be like yeah they didn't fucking know who you are they'll do me coffee shake but uh yeah so if you go in if you want to i know we'll have different coffees you have different just stop showing off you just want i can't i'm just buzzing all right all right i'll go in and check i'll go in and check well thank you thank you to my local caster congratulations i really appreciate that starting or growing your own business can be intimidating and lonely at times your to-do list may feel endless with new tasks and lists can easily begin to overrun your life So finding the right tool that not only helps you out, but simplifies everything as a built-in business partner can be a game changer.
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24:58Now playing only on Netflix. It's time for What's Your Beep. What's your beep, Jen? because I'm hung over and I might cry today speaking of my crying I will go first don't be horrible I didn't have a beef I'll be honest with you I woke up today I had a lovely night with you last night we did have a nice time we had a lovely time your snoring by the way in the middle of the night was absolutely fucking horrible like a pig like not even just like a it was like this at one point like the scream I refuse to believe the scream was there oh the screen was there I mean I was pissed but it was there you woke us up like I swear to god I love you so much but I don't think I can share a bed with you forever I think we'll just have to go out live separate lives like maybe have sex before we go to bed and then just go to separate beds because you wake us up you wake us up in the night snoring in all honesty I've not really got a problem with what you just laid out there that doesn't bother me in the service I think it's healthier and I think I think a lot of marriages would last longer if we just all grow the hell up and go to sleep separately.
26:06Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I had a mate when I was growing up. These mam and dad slept in two single beds in the same room. No, see, that's... We've got a lovely big bit. It's not that you're there. It's weird, I'll be honest with you. It was very odd. I remember going, your mam and dad's sleeping there? And he was like, yeah. Two single beds in the same room. But maybe, maybe one of them slept really erratically. A thrasher. A thrasher. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And now I get it. I get it, though. It's the snoring for me, though, Chris. It's just the waking us up. Right. I'm just like, please. I find it really cruel.
26:38Do you not find it cruel? I've got a tweet that went viral. I still get loads of retweets off it now. I've seen snoring is basically lying there, screaming about how good of a sleep you're having. Yeah. It's the cuntiest thing you can do, but I can't help it. And I'm at the stage of life now. I don't know what it is, because I've always been such a good sleeper. But if I get stirred, and it's nearer to six than it is to midnight, I'm awake. I am awake. You've just reminded us of something. You know Carl Hutchinson? Obviously, friend of the podcast. Of course, mention him every week. Carl once accidentally rang an older comedian.
27:15Carl used to sleep with his phone under his pillow and he accidentally either, he doesn't know how he'd done it, he either asked, I don't want to say it because we've got that many fucking things in the room. He asked the person who lives inside the Apple devices. Name begins with an S, can have a man's name or a woman's name. Rimes with Willie. By the way, I've changed my voice. The kids were fuming. did you realize yeah it's a girl one it's a northern lass yeah yeah yeah so he must have asked that to call how he's either said something in his sleep or he's accidentally pressed it and he woke up because he could hear someone talk he could hear someone saying leave a message he could hear the voice saying leave a message and he picked up his phone and he went and he just put the phone out and he accidentally called this comedian and left him a message at like 4 in the morning alright and he had a message off he had a voice note off that comedian a fucking hell that answer machine message off that comedian when he woke up saying, I don't know who you are because he didn't have his number anymore.
28:08I don't know who you are. I don't know what your idea is. But I'm in my 50s now and I'll not get back to sleep. So I hope you're proud of yourself. That's me now. Every time Carl sees him, he brings it up as if it's hilarious and the guy doesn't fucking crack a smile. He's like fucking raging about it still. Guys, when are people going to learn? Put your phones on Do Not Disturb. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do Not Disturb. no one rings you oh if I ring someone and they're like hello you woke us up I'm like there's fucking a button on the side to turn on silent it takes two seconds as soon as you if you forgot it's not my problem I'm not at your fucking door I'm not in your garden with a ghetto blaster on my shoulder throwing stones at your window because it is that thing isn't it because we're from a generation of oh I'll not text now or I'll not ring now because it's late but actually does that even exist anymore I suppose yeah well no I suppose it doesn't if you can put your phone on silent but the point is if you forgot it's not my fucking fault anyway back to why I hate you today great we had a lovely night and I love you to pieces you love me life sick and you're a very good colleague most of the time but as anyone watching will know that I'm you'll be able to see that I'm just in a I'm just in a grey t-shirt today just from Tesco because I had to go and quickly change my t-shirt when we came in to record this because missus put the fucking heating on I came in here with a jumper and I nearly burst into flames I literally was close to spontaneously combustion I was setting the cameras up and I was doing things and I was sweating and I had to literally run out the room and go and just grab a fucking t-shirt and put on which is why I don't have a bag of shit I'm sorry right we're running at different temperatures let's not work together anymore I don't think this is going to work honestly hey let's call the whole thing off don't think this is going to work because you are it's like it's like someone from equatorial chili knocking around with an Inuit.
30:05We are not, we run at different temperatures. It's madness. Buy me some sort of heating device that's only for me that I'll wear in here. If you want the heating off, that's fine. I will do that. But I've seen them things online where it's like a radiator around your legs. Or just, let's go old school. Let's bring the radiator back. Right. I'll get the radiator back. Your vag radiator back. I'll get my vag radiator back. Hobo-watt bottles a lot. Whatever. Because I can't be honest with your bullshit. Do us a favour. And you do look like shit in that station. do us a favour what admit and tell everyone now the first words you said when you walked in this room I don't remember it is a bit odd nah it was a bit odd it is a bit warm but I've acclimatised now oh great I've got beef with you come on then I was going out the other night sometimes and sometimes in this house we live in a bit of a cashless world right but I like to take a bit of cash in case on a night out just a few quid I knew this was coming sometimes we've got a little bit of money in the drawer and you know like in the shit row there's sometimes just a five hour or a ten hour just a little bit of money I was going out the other night and it was£20 it was a£20 note and I said to you I went oh I'm taking that money and you said don't don't because I'll have to replace it I just found that very selfish so I'll tell you right now because no we'll share money in this house we'll live together if that was my it actually wasn't your money because i own you listen why couldn't you just let me take it because i specifically got it to pay what was i was paying for something i can't remember i had to pay for something in cash certain things in life are still cash which irritates us right we manage for months without cash in the house and then every time i go to the cash point specifically to get money for something you're magically going out that night and you go and you take the cash and I'm like, how can we exist with no cash in this house for months on end and then the minute I get it, you fucking whip it up like a magpie.
32:07Wow. And it's not... Welcome to 1934, everyone. No, no, no, no, no. It's not about the money. Woman steals man's money. No, no, no. It's not about the actual currency, the money. I would have happily transferred any amount of money to your personal bank account. It's about the physical paper or the plastic now that I needed for a thing. Well, do you know what we could have done? It was for the car wash. Right, great. Well, I could have just in the morning gone and got the money out of the cashmine or, you know, I would have let you have that money. Would you? I would have let you have that money and I'll go out of the cashmine again, sweetheart, in the morning.
32:40Well, few things. Treat yourself. Get yourself something nice, my love. That's what I would have done. Maybe I should be the man in this house because you're a showman's big. No, I'm joking. Everything you just said, we know is bollocks. treat yourself would never happen. You'd never call a sweetheart and you would never, you wouldn't get up from the sofa for me, let alone leave the house and go to the cash point. I don't, I do. I do all of those things. Be good, you darling. Oh God. No, I just thought it was just a bit selfish. I just thought, can I have that money? But then sometimes. So the problem was, does anyone else listening ever have this way?
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33:14Yeah, get something in the head. You go, I know this is going to happen. You go, I know. I knew you. I was like that 20 quid there. It was for the car wash. I was like, I know she's going to fucking take that. and straight away, then he cash. There is, but it's been allocated. Thank you very much. So, all right, maybe I didn't answer perfectly. Maybe I answered a little bit nastier than I should have, but it's because in my head, I knew it already happened. Similar with, sometimes I'm in the room with you and the kids and no one bothers us or speaks to us for the entirety of the time I'm in the room and as I walk out of the room into another room, in my head I go, one of them's going to say it and I'm three steps down the corridor.
33:50Chris! Oh, why is it me? Dad! It's not me. It's always one of you. It's not me. And I go, what? And you're like, why are you talking like that? And I'm like, oh, sorry, because in me head, I'd already, this had already happened. Is this, are you having a breakdown? I think I can see you in the future. I think you. I think you're having a breakdown. Look, look, I think we're both a bit hungover. Yeah. I think we're both a bit delicate. And I'm sorry. Are you sorry? Yeah. Yeah, I am sorry. Sorry, sorry, I needed some cash. Bah. Sorry. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. It's time for questions from the public Cues from the pews And the pews and the dee-dews Public, as always if you want to get in touch It's shagmarionaudi.gmail.com Send us whatever you like And let's hope it's not too disgusting today Because I'm slightly hanging and I will be sick No, I don't think they are actually Are we alright?
34:39A couple of shitty ones Hey, just listen to the episode Where you discussed what you call the cupboard under the stairs What do we call the cupboard under the stairs? Did we? This one was a while ago, I think. Fuck, I can't remember half the stuff. We just called it The Cupboard Under the Stairs. But that fucking stinks, actually. Them coats that are in there are going to be lifting. Yeah, they're going to get up and walk out on their own soon. One day at school, we had to take in a book we enjoyed. I had a copy of Aesop's Fables. It was an old book. Yeah, yeah. What is that? Because to me, it's spelt the same as a luxury hand wash.
35:14Right, okay. Aesop's Fables, it's all the stories with a mean. The Bible? No. Oh, by the way, I bought Rafe the children's Bible. I'm going to read him some stories because he doesn't know who Jesus is. So that's great. Wow. Wow. I know that hurts me Catholic hard. Enjoy hell, Rafe. I said to him, because we were talking about Christmas, and I was like, well, Santa Claus comes, and I went, it's also Jesus' birthday. He went, who's Jesus? I went, I failed. I failed as a Catholic. So I'm going to. I respect that. Thank you. So the fables is, you know, the stories. He doesn't go to Catholic school, by the way.
35:48That's why. so you are one of the only people in the world who asks a question and when I'm trying to answer the question just tells us all that stuff sorry it's okay it's you know the fables like the scorpion and the frog and all that like you know the scorpion and the frog one the tortoise and the hare? tortoise and the hare might be an aesop's fable I don't know the scorpion and the frog it's going to have a shit it's a so there's a scorpion trying to get across the river and says the frog can I get on your back that's the fox? and the gingerbread? man what the fuck the scorpion try and get across the river okay and it says to the frog can I jump on your back and will he give us a will he give us a lift across the river and the frog says no you're a scorpion you'll sting us and he says well yeah but if I sting you we're both gonna drown and die I'm not gonna do it just give us across the river and the frog says okay so the scorpion jumps on the frog's back and the scorpion stings him and they both drown yeah and as they drown and the frog says why did you do that and the scorpion says because I'm a scorpion yeah you are what you are Right, okay.
36:47That kind of shit. I think I've watched one of the kids' YouTube things and it was a fox and a gingerbread man and the fox ate the gingerbread man. Because he's a fox. Because he's a fox. Yeah, so there's loads of stuff. So don't trust people. That's what I'm thinking. You are what you are. You are what you are. Don't trust. If you've been wrong before, fool me once, fool on me. Really twice. Fool on me? No, what is it? Fool on me is up there with Very Not Nice. well fool on me fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me because I managed to get fooled by you twice yeah so Aesop's fables are like okay right so they're just things like that things that like meaningful in life yeah yes great okay then most nursery rhymes and bible stories have all got that kind of you know yeah so anyway right sorry back to the cupboard under the stairs oh Christ growing up a living with Jan and Granada the absolute best people who could oh I missed that bit out I'm so sorry did I say that no growing up I lived with my nan and grandad the absolute best people who could have raised me that's lovely and then one day at school we had to take a book and we enjoyed just took Aesop's Fables in as an old book my teacher said it was a rare find where did you get it to which I replied the glory hole she
38:09she asked me to repeat myself then abruptly left the room leaving me confused I told my friend's mom, mom, about it, and she was hysterical. She explained to my nan what it meant, but still, it was always called the glory hole. So they called the cupboard under... So, their grandparents, raised by their grandparents, honest... They were born and lived before glory holes were invented. I reckon glory holes have been around for a long time, though. All right, well, maybe they weren't in the mainstream, but yeah, I can imagine... How am I? I think back in the 1600s it'll be in a hole in a wall. I reckon yeah.
38:48Tiddle us through holes in walls. That's not a new thing. I reckon the Romans might have had a bit. They invented everything didn't they? Yeah the Romans definitely had glory holes. Am I about to Google when was the glory hole invented? I think we need to. I think we need to. Oh I could ask mine you. Lass. No. Really? Go on then. Try asking Siri. Okay. Hey Siri.
39:14for the people listening the people watching you saw that for the people listening Rosie just dropped her phone on herself hey Siri when were glory holes invented I don't know how to respond to that well Romans
39:37the term glory hole has multiple origins you just shouted Romans like you were on a game show in the time I was going down. You've only got three seconds. Bradley. Yeah, why do we both want to Bradley roll? Bradley roll. Three seconds left. Romans. Oh, you just got Romans in there, Rose. Let's see if you're right. Let's see if it's up there. The term glory hole has multiple origins with the earliest recorded instance of a physical hole being 1707. So what's that? 16th century. I don't know. At a public toilet in London. Told you. The slang meaning associated with public anonymous sex became prominent in print in 1949.
40:171949? 1949. So, as I say... So, what time of year was the 1600s? What time of year was the 1600s? Or the Baroque era. No, this was the 1700s. It was 16th century, but the 1700s. I hate that they do that. It's upsetting, isn't it? I hate that they do that. Well, just so you know, the 1600s was the Baroque... The 17th century was called the Baroque era, which I never knew, but I don't even know what that means. Right, listen. Every day is a school day. Welcome back to history with... So the 1700s, the 18th century. The age of the revolutions in the Georgian era. So the Georgian era. Nice houses, dirty little sucky holes.
40:57Yeah. Again, I'm 99%. Age of enlightenment, wow. Okay. I'm 99 % sure I've said this before, but I literally couldn't think of anything worse than a glory hole. absolutely terrifying yeah who's sucking off sticking your dick through no just what's going to happen absolutely no chance yeah no fucking chance awful who decided I'll just stick my dick through this hole and who's going oh that's the only bit I like yeah like why can't you see the person yeah surely that's part of the arousal but I think yeah again I think we talked about this before I think the mucky and the grubbiness is the part of the arousal for people god it's like oh who do you have sex with today oh a fucking a bit of plasterboard with a cock.
41:41Oh, God. Oh, it's sexy day. Oh, who was it? I don't know. Big slab of white wall. The dick hanging out of it. I've got something to cheer you up. Okay, good luck. Or make you sad, I don't know. Good luck. Are you ready? Hi, Rosie and Chris. Listening to last week's episode about the VHS porn, remember the Blair Witch porn, reminded me of something that happened to me when I was younger. My mom worked in a charity shop back in the early 90s. I bet that was quite interesting. I love a charity shop. Again, you've just been through, you just like looking through people's shit. You're just nosy. Yeah.
42:11Yeah. But, you know, you get, it's just cool. Yeah. Back in the days of cameras that needed a film putting in. We remember this. Oh, yes. You know, like Kodak's cameras. Mad when you think about it. I know. Absolutely mad. I miss it, I miss it. I've took loads of photos. I can't check them. I'm going to Boots, and I'll get them back in a couple of days. Mental. Yeah. She brought a box of unused film roll home with her and gave me one to use. Right. So people must have given them unused, apparently. Okay. I took lovely photos of my dog, Gordon, and friends pulling funny faces, etc. Sorry, dogs, comma, Gordon.
42:47Our dog's not called Gordon. No, that... Our dogs, our garden, and our friends. Yeah. Right. Did you think that... Fucking hell, imagine that. Gordon? Do you want to go in the garden? Get in the garden, Gordon. Where's Gordon? Where's Gordon? I was in the garden. Gordon is actually quite a nice name. Gordon. When you say Gordon, you think of lovely things. You think of flowers, you think of grass, you think of seasons. If you were called Gordon, it's quite nice, isn't it? Do you think anyone's ever been called Gordon? Gordon Ramsay. Oh, but not to be confused with the chef. Gordon Ramsay. Yeah.
43:19There it is. God, I do hear that people say that to us all the time. Every time I check, no whole time. Every time you check and they don't like... I've had enough of it. Are you related to Gordon? No. No, do you know how many Ramses there is in the world? I'm actually, and as well, dickhead, I'm actually marginally famous in my own right. Yeah, but they don't know that. So fucking pump your brakes, kid. they don't know that though do they right listen so taking photos of the dog the garden and pulling first I dropped the finished film roll off at the local pharmacy to be processed and waited three days for them to be ready to collect oh the good old days this has just unlocked a memory for me carry on I'll tell you at the end I collected the photos aged 12 to some peculiar looks from the pharmacy staff nice walking home I opened the envelope excited to see pictures of my dog to be greeted by a close-up of a huge, massive, hairy bush.
44:09A woman on a bed, legs spread and everything on display. I started flicking through the rest of the photos to see photos of a full-blown threesome in all its close-up glory. To make it worse... So this is a 12-year-old singing real-life porn. Sorry, it's so fucking grubby that it's on actual photos. Horrible. But this is the bit that's going to upset you. I'm already upset. No, no, no. Okay. To make it worse, some of my photos had taken over the top of the photos, putting my poor little dog slap bang in the middle of the threesome.
44:47It's superimposed the dog. Oh, poor Gordon. Poor little Gordon. Oh, Gordon. See? Didn't deserve that. So he's just in the middle of this monkey threesome. I wonder if any of them like made sense. Do you know what I mean? Like the dogs jumping up to catch a ball or something and it's just like a cock in exactly the right place. Oh no. Oh nah. So a couple of things. Why? I thought, I was always told if it was rude photos they wouldn't give you them back. I was always told, like I thought, I don't know if I was told, I mean I think maybe I just assumed. Well no, because obviously people had rude photos so they had to have printed.
45:23I think, well I always, I always just thought they had a code of conduct where they just sort of like didn't really look. Like Dr. patient confidentiality. Something like that. I mean, listen, I never talked, I didn't take any muggy photos. They obviously, so, so, they obviously look at them. You would definitely look at them. You would love that job. Oh my God, imagine. You would fucking love that. Oh, yes. Not in a pervy way, just in a really nosy way. Well, it's just all, it's Instagram. They definitely look at them. The people in the shops will have 100 % looked at them. They have to put them in.
45:56They have to. They have to pretend that they haven't properly looked at them. hence why they gave pornographic images with a dog on to a 12 year old. Madness. Imagine the moral dilemma they had of these fucking full on porn photos are getting picked up by a 12 year old. But if we go, you can't have these, they will know we've looked at them. What was the memory that was unlocked? The memory was, I remember taking those holidays on my first few lads holidays because I went on lads holidays. Them holidays. Cameras. Yes. Can I speak? I remember taking those cameras, wind, wind, wind, click, wind, wind, wind, click on lads' holidays when I was 16, 17.
46:34I remember coming back and there was four, I don't know why I did this, there was four photos left on one of the cameras, four, and you couldn't just go, I don't want to take the last four. You had to use them. Yeah. So instead of just fucking just clicking on them at the floor and just using them. Oh no, what did you take pictures of? Your dick? No! Oh God, okay. I took pictures of. So can you remember the shops in Spain and places when we were younger that sold swords and knives and lighters and pornography and BB guns? These ridiculous shops. I'd bought a knife with a knuckle duster attached.
47:15Awesome. And a knuckle duster and another knife. And I'd brought them home in my suitcase because I thought it was funny and clever. I laid them out on the floor of my bedroom. Oh, God. And I took photos of them. This is disgusting. Honestly, I can still see the photos in my head. It was like the knife was there. The thing that came out was there. Then the actual knuckle dust was on the bottom. There was another flick knife in the side. And what were you going to do with that photo, though? A bit of cranksie? That's horrible. I don't know why I took photos of them. And I remember getting the photos and flicking through all the photos of the lads.
47:49And I remember, and I was showing me and my mates. It was quite canny, actually. I don't think they'd have found it weird, though, to be fair. No, they did. Oh, did they? They did. They really did. because we would go to one lad's house. The two holidays we went on, we went to one lad's house and we looked through all our photos and like reminisced about the holiday. It was actually quite nice. I got to the back and they went, why? Why have you took photos of them? And I went, I need it. They used the photos up and they went, because you're a loser. Fucking click, click them, just face it at the floor and just fucking click, fall and you've got a photo through.
48:17They were psychotic. They were absolutely psychotic. Like I was selling weapons on eBay. But I married you. What does it say? What does it say about me? So weird. I'm actually embarrassed. It's one of the memories where I've unlocked it and I'm actually embarrassed. Yeah. You could have took photos of your girl. I don't think she was there. I think I was on my way to the thing to get them. One of the lads could drive and he was taking them to the shop. I don't know. I could have went out. I could have just took a selfie. The selfies weren't invented. I could have invented the selfie. Guys, if I ever go missing, you know.
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50:18Taco Bell locations for a limited time only While supplies last, contact store for availability Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba! Hi, guys. Hi. I figured it's finally time I shared some stories with you. I try to be dignified, but I'm a fucking magnet for chaos. Love that. So here's three for the price of one. Take your pick, right? Do you want to take your pick? Okay, then. So I can pick one, two, or three. Yeah, and we'll keep it some more. They're very good stories. Okay. I'm going to go. I'll give you the names. Oh! Sorry, I was just going to pick one, two, or three. Oh, yeah. Okay, we've got Time for Wogies.
50:51T.S. Before Bedtime, or A Fistful of Shite? I'm going to have to go Time for Walkies. T.S. Before Bedtime is so dark. I know. That's fucking horrible. Time for Walkies is good. Time for Walkies is good. Oh, God. And we've had, you know, thinking of Gordon, we've had a lot of... T.S. Before Bedtime's... That's really affected me, that. A friend left her little sausage dog in my care while she fucked off on a mini break with her husband. Right. How hard can this be, I thought. Day one was fine, although I was surprised how much a sausage dog can shite out. Yeah, they do store it. Yeah, there's a lot of room in there.
51:25Coming downstairs in the morning, it was like something had broken in and taken a few massive dumps around my kitchen. I nicknamed him Turdus. So let's go with that to protect the poo I put. That's so fucking clever. That's such a clever name. Turdus. Because he's bigger inside than out because there's that much shit coming out. That's fucking... What a fucking pun. Well done. Cut to the second evening and I had a few of the girls round for wine and nibbles, a.k.a. a shitload of Prosecco and a few bags of crisps to soak up the booze. Anyway, Little Turdus was the centre of attention and the girls loved him.
52:01Unfortunately, he got a bit overexcited, clamped onto my friend's leg and popped his pink penis out on display while humping for all he was worth. Vile. To distract the canine's sexual deviant, we threw him a few crisps and he scampered off. Snuffling up the crisps all seemed good, until Helen said, fuck me for a small dog, he's got a very big penis. We all looked at Tordis and it was then that I realised something was very wrong. His dog dick was dragging along the carpet as he walked. He was actually stumbling over it. Joe, the friend, a veterinary nurse, chipped in and declared, it looks like his penis has prolapsed.
52:42Oh, God almighty. We need to read this to Robin because Robin still wants a dog. I'm going to tell him. I just... Right. We just need to show him videos of expressing dog's anal glands and he will not want a dog. I was panicked. I couldn't return a broken dick dog to my friend. So I... Here's your dog back. Oh, his dick is also broken. By me and me friends. And it wasn't me. Oh, God. The poor little thing. Right. I asked Joel what to do. Rather than suggest a trip to an emergency vet, The bitch nipped home to the next street, came back brandishing a tube of KY jelly announced, I need to rub some on the dog's cock and ease it back in.
53:24Oh, I knew you were going to say they decided to do it themselves. Rapidly, rapidly sobering up, I picked up Pua Terdas and lubed up. At that point, I discovered his penis was covered in pieces of salt and vinegar crisps from where they'd been dragging on the floor. Oh, don't. Oh, because it's tender and red. So I had to soap down the massive dog dick and then gently wank the Hugh Wuffner prolapsed penis back into a tidy hole. Oh, God. Unfortunately. Fuck getting a dog. Yeah. This wasn't an easy job. We had to pass that poor dog from lap to lap with several of the girls applying care. I would not have enjoyed this night at my friend's house.
54:04This is not a nice night. I wouldn't have done it. This is very not nice. Very not nice. Thankfully, Turdos was right as rain. He's all right. He's fine. But to this day, I've never eaten another salt and vinegar crisp. I can't see a sausage dog. That's what you're talking about. I can't see a sausage dog without thinking of the night I wanked one off. And the word dogging has a whole different meaning for me. Right. So you didn't wank it off. You're just trying to help him. I'm trying to... I've gone all week. This is one of the worst... Oh, God. You're just trying to help... Stop seeing you wank them off.
54:38You're trying to help them. You passed them around. Oh, I can't even talk about it anymore. This is the worst thing. want a girl dog if we do but then they're period everywhere doesn't they but at least i don't understand charlotte's dog period is when she had it at the at the the the dog show but the guy fancied charlotte a bit so he let her off are you talking about sex in the city i am talking about sex in the city oh god what do i prefer sex in the city or taking pictures of your knuckle dusters i just don't know i just don't know what was extra extra points what was charlotte's dog called in Sex and the City?
55:10I don't know. Neither do you. Elizabeth Taylor. Oh, okay, good. Yeah. Were you a huge fan of Sex and... This is before me. It was on. It was on a lot. Yeah. Okay. I've seen most of it. Okay. Yeah. Going from... Did an ex like it or something or was it just... Did you choose to watch it? I'm not judging you. I believe when it first came out, I saw... You thought it was about sex. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw on the channel planner Sex and the City. oh you know Euro Trash oh I love Euro Trash oh it's just but then now and then there'd be an episode where Samantha would go fucking wild and you'd see remember the one that was like when she was going out with that guy he was like a muscly guy with a long hair and there was like a fucking ridiculous sex scene between them and it was like on the telly and it was mad every time I think of it I just see the man's saggy arse remember that yes the old man yeah fucking great show great show hi Rosie and Chris hello A gift of a tale from my then teenage brother.
56:10Oh. In brackets. It took him until he was flat out drunk on his 50th birthday to tell me this one. Oh, shit. The three 18-year-old lads went out and had a big night of it. So this is the brother and his two mates. He's now 50, but when he was 18, he went out with his mates and had a big one. Yes. Good. One of the lads, let's call him Ben, was barely able to stand. There's always one. Oh, yes. Took it too far, Ben. Yeah. Too much fun. Yeah. So the other two took him home to his mum's. By the time they got there, Ben had been sick all over himself. Nice. His mum took one look and said, help me get him to the bathroom.
56:43Nice. Which they did. Wait outside, she instructed. Mm-hmm. Okay. Various clattering, vomiting and running water sounds came from the bathroom as they stood sheepishly outside. Then Ben's mum ran out of the bathroom shouting, get in here and hold his head over the loo as she headed in the direction of her bedroom. They went into the bathroom to find Ben stark, bollock naked dripping wet and hunched over the toilet. Trying to avert their gaze, they dutifully held him over the bowl as he emptied the remains of a kebab into it. Oh, God. Ben's mum then came back in with a hairdryer on an extension lead.
57:22She proceeded to dry his wet body with the hairdryer. What the actual fuck was she thinking? Anyway, she gave him the all-over-salon blow-drying. But as she crouched down and wafted the warm air over his crotch air, Ben's body reacted to the sensation No And he got a huge bone No This is No Why is he telling people this when he's 50 Imagine the sight Your 18 year old mate His mum blow drying his penis And him having a huge erection Why is she blow drying him? Because he's wet What towel's not invented? I don't Put a fucking towel on him Why she's got an extension Like a fucking dog how hairy is this fucking bloke I don't know obviously sorry there there there's two lads there with a comatose mate and the mam and they are with their mate as he's got a stot on in front of his mam this is it is mortal drunk vile fair playa lad for being mortal I'd be like fair playa lad obviously my brother and his mate dropped Ben immediately and thus his head ricocheted off the toilet and started pouring with blood oh god They ended up wrapping Ben in his mum's dressing gown, jamming him and themselves into his mother's Fiat Pando, Pando, Panda, to get his head stitched at A &E.
58:43They abandoned Ben and his mum at the door. Wow. Wow. Do you know what the most depressing thing about that story is? What? In my head, you said, gone to get the hairdryer and an extension lead. And because this guy's 50 when he's telling the story, in my head I said would hair dryers have been invented then but he's only 10 years older than me yeah yeah I didn't click onto that until now actually oh Chris oh Chris did you do it did you do that thing where people say 50 and you think you're 10 that was yeah that was awful I was literally like hair dryer but you know what what what how But hair dryers have actually been around for a long, long time.
59:31But he's 10 years, Rosie. Stop it. When this was happening to him, I'll have been eight. Yeah. Would you have dropped your mate if he got a boner off his mum doing the hair dryer? A million percent. Would you? A million percent. Why is he naked? She just took all his clothes off him. He's soaking wet. Why is she dousing him down? Why is she like hair drying him down? And yeah, it's just so odd. Get a towel. Or maybe she didn't want to be sick on something again. Maybe. Who knows? Sometimes your brain goes to does weird things when you're worried about stuff. I think it was the right decision to just drop him and let him smash his head off the floor.
1:00:06100%. If that doesn't get rid of the hard-on, what will? Do you know what I mean? Has he got a hard-on? He must be stopped and drunk and he's still getting... He must love that hair dryer. Oh, God.
1:00:19As always, thank you so much for listening and watching this week's episode of Shagged, Married, Annoyed. Don't forget to subscribe and you'll never miss a net. There it is. Subscribe on YouTube, and subscribe on your podcast shops. Thank you so much for listening. If you want to send anything at all, do I want any more sausage dog stories about? I don't. I think when we first got a story once that said some sausage dogs, their dicks rub on the floor, I really got affected on behalf of all male sausage dogs everywhere. And I don't think I want to hear anything about sausage dogs. Listen, I'm quite interested.
1:00:49So don't censor our emails. Okay, send whatever you want. Send whatever you want. But, you know, maybe think twice. Thank you so much. We'll be back in the years. and your filthy, vile, floor, cock-rubbing little eyes. Doesn't make sense. Next week. Yeah. Bye. Bye.
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From the publisher
Chris and Rosie are feeling very delicate, but they soldier on and bring you a hungover edition of SMA! There are itchy palms, a post curry update and some heating beef.
The pair discuss the future of Robots, Aesop’s Fables and an AI theory.
There are some filthy QTFP’s that involve a Sausage Dog, a hairdryer and some old school developed photos!
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