A New Alliance, Real Life Dominatrix and the Last Bus Home

16:37Rosie Ramsey:I'm sorry, so you've given yours, have you? No. Right. No, but I've got ways around it because I'm a technicalist. Okay, well, I'm not that technological, but I don't miss it. I'm absolutely fine. I've got a VP and I watch all my porn in New York. Well, good for you. That's what I do. Do you put a little accent on? Watch a little bit. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Start spreading your legs. Oh, great. Just great work. Thank you. Anyway. Absolutely fucking wonderful work. Yeah, so porn free. How come I can give up porn, but I can't give up wine or Chinese? I do believe you like wine and Chinese food and Mars bars a lot better than porn.

17:09I do.

17:09Rosie Ramsey:Porn dead behind the eyes. Honestly. Listen, so this is good. So, like, play along at home. This is porn categories. Why are you not listening to why I don't know about porn? What? Why are you not listening? you're just talking over us I was telling you about porn what do you want to talk about porn I just feel like they're a bit dead I just know that it's a performance and I know that they're dead behind the eyes and nobody looks out they're enjoying it right okay well yeah you're a better actor than me so you can probably spot that I don't think I can spot it but then again I can't read a room I talk about this sometimes I can't read a room I don't know if someone's in a bad mood unless it's you because I'm quite needy with you but other people I don't know what's going on people can come around with a bereavement and I'll not know I'll not know until they physically tell us but they will have been crying in the conversation for 10 minutes and I wouldn't have noticed it because I'll be busy.

17:46Do you know, oh, I was playing pool, so I was playing pool with my mates the other night. We got the, it's like a dining, we've talked about before, I've got a pool table but it's like a dining table as well. We've had it for years. It's one of the first things I bought when I started doing stand-up.

17:59Rosie Ramsey:Hate it. You love it. I don't love it, I hate it. So we took it all off. It's square, so square. It's got no, just no character. There's no edge, there's no grain. Oh, it's a horrible piece of furniture. but whatever it's gorgeous it's not too dissimilar from this table the worst bit is this is lovely look at the no this is if you're watching on YouTube this is a very nice table I'm telling you right now in the sale of Bargrin Stonehouse this is not too dissimilar from my pool table when I've got the lid on anyway you're a hypocrite it's because it's got it's because it's got a pool table underneath it and you don't like it's having fun that's basically what it is so we I was making a drink I think I was changing the little keg in my beer machine right so my mates took the lid off the pool table and did all the stuff I was like you sort it out they sorted it out and they did the whole thing and I went where's the chalk and they went oh we don't know and I was like I get it out I do everything and I get the chalk and I went where is it and they went we don't know where the chalk is and I we couldn't find it it was possible to play without the chalk because the tips are quite worn anyway I couldn't enjoy I couldn't enjoy the night well where was the chalk I couldn't enjoy I found it the next morning yeah when I went yeah I know I'm ill yeah I couldn't I was looking I was playing and I kept looking and my mate went stop it Jordan went he went stop stop it he went you can't stop thinking about the chalk I went I need to find it don't tell me these things because this just winds me up and gives me the total ache I was getting ready this oh no it's me beef is it your beef yep I look forward to that right listen porn categories quiz like I said before we are you know we've said it there's a chapter in the book that said are we vanilla yeah this is golf rules I don't know anything about golf the lower the score the better that's what this is any higher if you get a high if you get all of these there's something wrong with you you're ill If you get half of these, you're a perfect...

19:40Rosie Ramsey:Can I... Can we just make it away that I haven't actually seen any porn for a year and a half? Okay, that's fine. But you can still know the... You can still know the... You know, you can still... If you hadn't watched a movie for a year and a half, you'd still know the categories. I'm just a bit behind. Okay, I don't expect you to get any of these. Okay. Are you ready? Ten questions. Yeah. Ten categories. Yeah. I didn't even know there was ten categories. What, back, front, up, down? But let's go. I'm just going to say a category. A porn category. And you've got to tell us what it is. What it's about?

20:06Rosie Ramsey:I might be quite good at this. Go. Doubt it. Play along at home. Golf scores, by the way. Okay. Yeah. Scarfing. Scarfing. It could be two things. Okay. It could be seasonal. No. Winter. No. Strangulation. Strangulation. Don't try it at home, kids. Dangerous. Gonzo. Oh, God. I'm not going to know any of these. Is that food related? No. No. And it's not the guy from the Muppets. No, I don't know what that is. It's where the bloke with the camera is doing all of the jobs. Oh, God, that's irritating, isn't it? First person, he's got the camera on his head. His view. It's his view. He's got the mic sorted.

20:49He stops halfway to charge it. He's doing the sex as well. Like having sex with a

20:53Rosie Ramsey:ghost. Yeah, yeah. That's what it's like. Or a bloody robot. Disgusting. Yeah. BRCC.

21:04Don't know. Back room casting couch.

21:07Rosie Ramsey:Awful. Is that still a thing? Casting couch is still a thing? I think they pretend now. It's quite muggy and it's that horrible black sofa that everyone's seen. Pretend that they're going to apply for. They've already got the job. It's not like, yeah. They're not virgins. What? You're joking. This is horrible, by the way. I'm not enjoying any of this. That's why I'm doing it. You're going to hate this one. foot-un-a-ria foot-un-a-ria foot-un-a-ria is it foot fetish? no, I wish it was foot fetish foot-un-a-ria I don't know it's cartoon porn where the women the women have like gigantic dicks like gigantic dicks why?

21:56don't know people like it although I've got to say cartoon porn and AI porn stops people getting

22:01Rosie Ramsey:there's nobody being what's the word? I can't think of the word. Exploited. Exploited, there it is. Okay, big old dicks on the girls. Yeah, unless they're not playing the anime. Spot in arm, yeah. Or raincoat. I don't know. It's not going to be something that you... I mean, is it just people in court? Having sex? I don't know. In the rain? It's actually a lot... Oh, is it condoms? Yeah!

22:30Perverts. How did you get that?

22:33Rosie Ramsey:Well, because it's put a jacket on. Don't people say that? No. Sometimes for condoms. No, no, you're thinking of potatoes. Oh my God, is there a category of porn where people wear condoms and that's like a thing? It's like an outlandish thing. Crazy. I can't believe he's done that. Disgusting. Stranger on the rocks. That's randoms hiking, having sex, meeting each other on a walk. No? What? Putting your hand in a bucket of ice water until it's so cold it feels like someone else is doing it. Apparently people do this as videos. Apparently people do videos of it. Strangers on a roll. I got all these from a GQ website.

23:09This is fucking insane. RIP my algorithm, by the way. There's going to be hell on my Instagram when I go back on for this.

23:13Rosie Ramsey:Your porn site's going to be even worse. Oh, God. Do you want me porn watching in New York? I'm sitting that never sleeps.

23:24Rosie Ramsey:Horrible. Ooh, veggie porn. do you want my real answer because you don't I don't think you do no no do you want me do you want me answer for this yeah vegetables just inside okay everyone knew the other one no just girl on girl no meat no meat wow wow I do love a little joke NS FL football something to do the NFL that's where me the old football jerseys Have you heard of Not Safe for Work? No. N-S-F-W. Not Safe for Work. If something on the internet's Not Safe for Work, you go, here's the link, but it's Not Safe for Work. Don't click on it when you're in your office. Didn't know that. Great. This is Not Safe for Life.

24:09It's the stuff that's so bad, so disgusting. Not Safe for Life. That's all it says on the GQ website. I'm sorry, that's all I've got.

24:17Rosie Ramsey:Are we done? Nope. Two more. This is horrible. Listen, people want to know your opinions on these things. No, they don't. This is... V-O-R-E. Italian. Volare! Getting off on Being Eaten Alive. Animated or CGI. Awful. Last one. You're going to like this one. You're going to like this one. That's dark web shit, this. Yeah, it's bad, isn't it? It was on the GQ website. Like I said, I haven't made these up. I haven't looked into these. I didn't know what these were. This is the crack. Cake sitting. Well, that's people sitting on cakes. Do you know what? It is people sitting on cakes. Very messy. Yeah.

24:55Rosie Ramsey:You're asking for an infection. you've got like cake and you're wasting cake in your vulva and you're wasting cake I know cake up your bum have you ever had that I mean when we did I'm sorry to mention straight away but when we did bake off sorry to mention bake off straight after that that's fair I did the butter icing in my hands I felt like I couldn't get it off for ages did you touch your dick and get a slippery dick no like with chilli when you cut a chilli you can't touch any of your body parts no all I'm saying is imagine getting a bit butter icing on your in your arse crack oh no It's going to be horrible.

25:27No, horrible. You're going to be slipping around for days.

25:29Rosie Ramsey:Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. Ladies first. You can't have a beef with me. I have been an utter delight. Do you know what it is you have? No, I haven't. I've been horrible. I'm due on and I've been disgusting and I know I have. But it's fine because I know it's... It's not fine though. I ruined the whole atmosphere for the house the other day. Yeah. Oh, you need actually... When I'm sad, because I have a reason why I'm sad, because my hormones are depleting and I'm just on a downward spiral.

25:58Rosie Ramsey:Yes. You actually need to step up for the rest of the house. Well, you need to piss off then. Okay, gladly. I can't be around. I can't be around. So I'm sad because of hormones that I can't control and you get sad at the same time. I can't help it. And it ruins the whole day. I'm a little sponge. I'm a little sponge and you are... You actually are. I specifically married you for how lovely and happy and chirpy you were and I do feel like I've been shortchanged. You have? Yeah. like honestly I've been catfished so it's a very long winded long game of catfish that you're playing here but yeah so you need to just remove yourself from the situation and say look I'm off and I'll just do and do something with the kids because okay great we are shaking hands is that a deal 100 % yeah because I can't I can't this is an awkward angle I'm getting pulled I can't I can't snap out of it when you're like full on miserable and then they they dicks when you're miserable and it just yeah okay great deal I only need a couple of hours.

26:56Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. Oh, there we go. Yeah. That's perfect. All right, then. Good. I'll just go watch a bit of that. That's not my beef. What's it called? My beef's worse than that. Much worse than ruining the mood of the house for the full day. What have I done? Shall I do mine first? Just as we're leading on? Yes. I watched you the other day put open a packet of vinegar-flavored crisps, not salt and vinegar, just vinegar. You poured them into a bowl. Yeah. You then doused the vinegar-flavored crisps. Yeah. By the way, sorry, can I just tell them what the crisps are? I'm not sponsored by the posh ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

27:29Rosie Ramsey:Torrey's Vinegar Flavour Crisps. Yeah, yeah. I bought them off Amazon. That's how you can't. Sorry. Wow. You put them in a bowl. You then doused the Vinegar Flavour Crisps in balsamic vinegar and ate them with a spoon. Like cereal. No, like a woman who does whatever the fuck she wants. Like cereal in a nightmare. like a nightmare where you go oh my god I had this dream and it was my house but it wasn't me house and you were sitting there and you ate your cereal but it wasn't cereal it was crisps with vinegar on why is that bad it was like something from a fever dream it was horrible can I tell you right now I thoroughly enjoyed them I'm glad you did and I'm glad I wasn't in the room I left the room while you finished them because I couldn't be there I had my tan on I spilled a little bit of vinegar on myself and I had to leave my onesie on for two hours and it really upset us actually because it was very strong.

28:23Rosie Ramsey:But I love them. That's my new favourite way to eat crisps. And we all thought, everyone who listens to this podcast, we thought your old way of sucking the crisps dry and sucking all the flavour off and leaving it dry. We thought that was bad. But your new way is even worse. Yeah. I just really like really vinegary foods. And they're my new favourite crisps. They're quite expensive. They're amazing crisps, to be fair. They're amazing crisps. Yeah, you can't get them in the normal shops. I haven't seen them in the normal shops. Like I say, I had to get them off Amazon. but I thoroughly enjoy them and I don't care you can think what you want you eat black pudding and that you like stink out the house with your disgusting breakfast that you make my breakfast this morning was a breakfast of fucking kings but it stinks the house out but I don't see anything because I think that's how he enjoys to eat that why you gotta have an opinion how I eat erm

29:11Rosie Ramsey:but I do have a beef with you do you wanna hear come on then yeah so you're back from tour for a little bit I am and I'm and I'm a delight to be around when I come back you're getting on my nerves I come back and I'm great. No, sometimes being married to you is like living with me mother. Really? Or like a parent. Wow. Yeah, I was getting ready this morning. I was sat at my dressing table getting ready. And I'm, you know, a 39-year-old woman. And I pay my mortgage. And I work. And I'm independent and all that shit. Right. And you come in, right? And I had a packet of ibuprofen on the dressing table.

29:44Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. And you're just talking to us. but at the same time you're just like checking on all my stuff and like lift you lifted up that packet of ibuprofen and I was like what are you doing and what and you were just like oh I was just checking if you had any left because I brought you this last night and then I was just going to put them in the bin I brought you like you're tidying up you come in my room and you're tidying up imagine that imagine that being a beef I come in a room and I tidy up imagine that it irritates us all I was doing was I saw the ibuprofen pack and I was on my way downstairs and I was like oh I remember I brought you an ibuprofen last night I brought you upstairs mom does.

30:17Rosie Ramsey:That's what I do to the kids when I go in their room. Yeah. Well, you know, I think you need looking after sometimes because left of your own devices you eat fucking vinegar, crisper vinegar on with a spoon like you've just broke up with someone. It's just irritating. Well, all I was saying because there was one left in the packet of the ones that I gave you last night so if you took that and it was just an empty packet I would have took it down at the recycling bin. That's all. I was literally trying to do you a favour. I was trying to do you a favour. Try to help tidy your room. Just gives his yick.

30:44Everything I do gives you a favour.

30:45Rosie Ramsey:Well, it's just like, oh, the man I married, who I love, who, you know, have sex with, who I fancy, just comes in my room and tidies up. What? It's a good thing. It's not. Because, I don't know what it is. It's just because when you do it, you don't, you're like not talking. You're just like in the zone of like tidying up shit. So this is a problem for me and you that we've got quite a lot, right? So sometimes our wavelengths are different. But there's other things that you could be tidying up. So there's stuff that you literally, or like, you know when people say nose blind, or you're just blind to.

31:15Rosie Ramsey:There's certain things in the house that you never move and you never tidy up and you never make the bed. There's certain things that you just don't see but you'll come into my room in mid-conversation fucking raking round on me dressing room table checking empty packets of ibuprofen. I picked up one packet of ibuprofen. Raking round. I picked up one packet of ibuprofen. I was talking to you. Okay, but maybe it's not that I'm annoyed that you're actually tidying up. It's the fact that you do fuck all else. You do fuck all else in that house but then you'll come and tidy up my ibuprofen packets and in my brain I go like there's so much you could be doing that you just walk fucking past every single day name three things

31:56Rosie Ramsey:the letters on the bar your letters on the bar which could be put away and tidied up and all the envelopes that you could put in the bin okay I'll take that you never make the bed ever I'm not walking past it though am I what do you mean I'm not walking past the bed if I was standing talking in the room where the bed was I'd probably start doing it. But we're not talking in there. You never make the bed. Ever. In the bathroom, in the ensuite bathroom, whenever you use the shower, you always leave loads of fluff and mankiness in the bottom of the shower and all it would take is five seconds of like getting the shower head and just cleaning it before you get out.

32:32Rosie Ramsey:You never do it. But you'll come into my dressing room and you will have a good fucking rake around with my shit and Patrick, That's it, you're patronising. It's so patronising. Guys, I wish you could see what I did. I literally was just talking. I just picked it up. I turned it over to see if there was any appropriate. My eye be broken on my table. It's got nothing to do with you. Unbelievable. Get out of my dressing room. But I don't come to you. I don't come around your stuff. I don't go in your cupboard in the en suite where all your stuff is and rake around and be like, I'm going to put this in the bin.

33:03Rosie Ramsey:It's your stuff. Don't touch me stuff. Fine. Fine. God. The problem is you're a sibling and I'm an only child and we've clashed. That's what it is. I'm used to everything being mine. Mine. Yeah. Well, what are you going to learn? Which we are seeing with the boys now. Because the kids have just started fighting loads. Oh, fucking hell. It's very upsetting. Crazy. Rafe's finally got to an age where he's fighting back and he just wants to fight. Yeah. But like I said to you the other day, oh my God. What? We're having talked about how they've made an alliance. Oh, they did make an alliance. And I went, I've never seen this in our family before.

33:39Yeah.

33:39Rosie Ramsey:But this is what me and Kate and Kevin used to do all the time. It was really weird. So we went away for the weekend to a little cottage and you were, I mean, there were just being dicks. Yeah, horrible. But we both were like, right, you're not getting any dessert. You're not getting dessert. And they went over onto the sofa and they were crying on the sofa about dessert. Or Rafe was crying on the sofa about dessert. And then Robin started asking if he was all right and trying to cheer him up and trying to offer him different things. And you came over to me in the kitchen and you whispered like fucking David Attenborough.

34:11you literally went well what's happening now is they're forming an alliance against us it's exactly what when I was a child it's exactly what me and Kate and Kevin used to do they're forming an alliance now against their parents in the wild

34:23Rosie Ramsey:yeah it's important because it was like we're not giving in these are a couple of little bastards these are being punished yeah but you know you can lean on each other it was really nice to see actually yeah I mean they were fighting again five minutes later well yeah but in that moment I was like they're fine they've got each other yeah so we can carry on Nice. Rafe just does not like being told off. Nah, it's not fun at all. And I feel like we've spoiled him a bit. Yeah. When you tell him off, he's like, what are you doing? Well, to the point where he's like, you're being rude. And I'm like, no, I'm...

34:54Really, you're not.

34:54Rosie Ramsey:It's like... I have to tell you off, I'm your man. He's kryptonite to being told off. You can't tell him off. Don't be rude. Why are you being rude? How dare you speak to me like this? Or when you just need a minute and you're not really speaking to them. And he's like, it's rude to ignore people. they can't wait until we finish the conversation to speak anyone out there I've even tried the thing off Bluey the thing off Bluey where the dad goes when you come and talk to us and I'm talking to someone else I'll touch your arm which means I know that you're there and I'll wait they just fucking grab me hand they grab me hand and they're like tugging on it like it's a fucking toilet dad dad dad dad oh I know and they don't want anything until they know I'm there you know I lay on the sofa the other day with my head down so they couldn't see us and I just lay there and it wasn't until the one that was like, Dad!

35:41We're too available.

35:42Rosie Ramsey:My parents were not available for us. They just weren't. They weren't available. We are too available. And the minute that you try to not be available, they're just so used to it, so then it's horrible. Anyway. Stop coming in my room and raking around my shit. I fucking go where I want, mate. Shut up. Full of shit. He's so full of shit. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba! That's the sound of a tree in Tennessee's Great Smoky Mountains, releasing volatile organic compounds, which is just a fancy way of saying it's creating fog. And that makes the Smokies smoky. This is one of many sounds in Tennessee with a story to tell.

36:27To hear them in person, plan your trip at tnvacation.com. Tennessee sounds perfect.

36:35Rosie Ramsey:With Plan B Emergency Contraception, we're in control of our future. It's backup birth control you take after unprotected sex that helps prevent pregnancy before it starts. It works by temporarily delaying ovulation and it won't impact your future fertility. Plan B is available in all 50 U.S. states at all major retailers near you with no ID, prescription, or age requirement needed. Together, we've got this. Follow Plan B on Insta at Plan B One Step to learn more. Use as directed. Babadoo babadoo babadoo It's time for questions from the public

37:12As always if you want to get in touch It's shagmarinoid at gmail.com And if you want to send in a voice note Which we're bloody loving The number is 07874 406650 And it's on All them details are on the podcast page Where you're listening to this hopefully Rosie what we've got this week So I was going to listen to them

37:33Rosie Ramsey:but then I need to speak to Daisy about this I quite like having a surprise I feel like I don't get any surprises in this so we're sent a few and let's have a little listen I did you a beautiful quiz earlier on and you just whinged about it the whole time brilliant by the way you scored two which is just below pervert level so well done Rosie's Mysteries is from a bloke ooh from a bloke can I just say fair play to people sending these in because I've literally when I have to send a voice note or do something on my own or even do a little tiny bit of video on my own and tell a story or whatever.

38:07I kind of do it. I have to redo it again and again and again and again.

38:10Rosie Ramsey:No, but not everyone's mentally ill like you. There it is. So thank you, everyone. We really appreciate it. Thank you. Always. Hi, Chris. Hi, Rosie. I wanted to tell you a story about my nan who, Godlover, is a little bit away with a fairy sometimes. times uh this one could be a rosie's mysteries mysteries mysteries they'd gone out for a meal gone to an indian restaurant at the end of the meal uh they bought around the uh the end of the bill they bought around the bill and my nan picked up uh her complimentary mint and popped it in her mouth only for everybody else to look on in horror and i wonder uh whether you can um guess what she had done i shall pause so you can have a think sorry so she's put a mint in her mouth at the end they've come around with the bill and they've come around because i i had a curry two nights ago and they brought the the mints and i was actually in colman's seafood temple last night and they bring the mints with the bill.

39:20And Robin was fighting us to try and get them.

39:22Rosie Ramsey:She's not, well, she's not putting mint in her mouth. What's she putting in her mouth? I've got two ideas here. It's either in the wrapper still, or, no, it's not. It's one of them fucking, have you ever seen the napkins that are a little napkin? And you put water on it. That's pretty posh. They're posh. Well, maybe it's an Indian. I'm guessing that. It's a napkin. It's one of them little micro napkins that you put water on it and it expands and there's poo. I should just hide it straight in her mouth. Which I don't think even that's anything to do with being away with the fairies. I think that's a very easy mistake to make.

39:58Rosie Ramsey:I don't think it's that. I think it's money. You think she just put money in her mouth? I don't know. I don't know. Where are they? What the fuck? I don't know. Okay, I don't know. I don't know. I just put it in her mouth. Sorry, what else comes? What comes? You get your receipt, your bill, your receipt. you get like sometimes a business card you get after eights or you get mates sometimes you get the heated up wipes yeah but they're fucking massive you're not going to put one of them in I haven't had a heated up wipe for ages luxury pure luxury we used to give you that on planes randomly hot towel hot towel but I heard that they never wash them properly so I'm always a bit begrudged to whack them all over my face but does the heat not just kill all the germs possibly but you never know do you I suppose if someone's blew their nose on it anyway come on yeah okay ready I'm sticking with the first one She had picked up Her mint, popped it in her mouth Complained at how dry it was Looked round to watch The waiter pour warm water On these Flannels For everybody to wipe Their hands and their faces And my nan was sat there Chewing on an old flannel

41:11Rosie Ramsey:God lover indeed. Oh, lovely bit of wordplay at the end there. Cute. I think one, not her fault at all. That is such a weird fangled thing. And two, that is a posh, posh restaurant. I know. I know. That is a posh restaurant. Because they do, they come out like little sort of what, like, like, tree-ball? Like, double-stacked tree-ball extra-strong mints. Can I tell you right now, I've never... Oh, you've never had one. Never. Oh, one day, love. I've only ever seen them on video. Have you ever seen them on the telly? Have you ever seen them on the telly? I've never been anywhere that had them. Have you?

41:48We haven't together, have we?

41:50Rosie Ramsey:I don't think I've had, nah. I honestly can't. Oh, no, hang on. Maybe somebody might have been one time in a spa. I don't know. I don't remember. Anyway, listen. Go. Hello, hello. Just reporting in from New Zealand here about the savoury chat. Yeah. If that man's wife was a New Zealander or an Australian, her instructions could not be clearer because in New Zealand or Australia, getting savouries involves just getting a, you know, the ready-made bag of like the 12 little mini pies and quiches. So like the, you know, a bag and it would include like the potato top pie, a normal mince pie, and then like a quiche.

42:30And it's got a mixed bag for you to serve at parties and heat up. Those are called savouries. I know elsewhere they'd be called like mini pies or something, but in New Zealand it's like you're having a party you're going to serve some savouries and that is it so just thought I'd shed some light on that for you thanks for the pod you guys are awesome

42:49Rosie Ramsey:love that love that why does he sound attractive he sounds great doesn't he just needs to love the accent why in my head he's clearly driving why in my head is he in the car from Bluey I know it's a different country he's in the car from Bluey there's a surfboard on the top I know it's Australian but I don't care he's wearing the ring from Lord of the Rings I'm just getting racist now It just seems, he sounds healthy. Sounds lush. Sounds lush. He sounds like his hair's always well trimmed. He sounds like he's got a thick stubble. It's not a big beard, it's just a thick stubble. He wears a suit well, but he also can dress casual and look just as good.

43:26Rosie Ramsey:God, who is he? Who is this man? Anyway, thank you. Thank you, sir. He wears a suit well, but he can also pull off casual. Great. So that's right. Okay, so that was... Lovely accent. If this is the first episode you're listening to or you're not up a date on the episode, this is someone had sent... Their wife had sent them to the shop for CVs and he had no idea what it was. But yeah, I just love that. If she was from New Zealand, she could not have been more clearer. I'd love to go to New Zealand. Same. Yeah, beautiful. We'll put it on the list. We've got friends who live there. We should. We do, I know.

43:57I'm clear I've got listeners there. Hello.

43:59Rosie Ramsey:I'm just listening to the latest episode and I just had to send a message in. Did the lady not mean she's savoury? I feel like, you know, these little packets with the cheesy crackers, maybe they're different shapes. That's what I would have got. Somebody had asked me for savouries, I'd have got a packet of cheese savouries. Bye! No, thank you. Thank you. Before I slag you off. Cheese savoury was a sandwich. It is, I think. I just think, it's like when I said to you about protein. It was just certain of protein. I said to you, go and get some savouries. What are you getting? Go and get some savouries.

44:36Rosie Ramsey:I'm getting crisps. I'm getting like bread potatoes eggs like savoury food I'm getting carbs I'm getting starch I'm getting salty carbs I'm just getting salty carbs I'm getting crackers I'm getting some nuts I'm getting some crisps that's what I'm getting go get some desserts what would you get go get some some like sweets what would you get exactly so it's not that it's not that difficult I just think being more specific her own husband didn't know what you wanted no this message has come in via WhatsApp that but it's not a voice note okay it was like a text okay which is good cheating um hello just listening to the emma doran episode oh i used to be a dominatrix real life dom all walks of life listen to this it's great i love it we've got people from new zealand we've had doctors we've had nurses we've had vets we've got dominatrix um it says here i have done all sorts of things to my subs, which I think means subordinates.

45:35Rosie Ramsey:Is that right? I don't know what it means. Subordinates? Yeah. Like lower? Yeah. Lower than you? So is it not submissives? Oh, maybe. Whatever they call themselves. Is a subordinate like an employee? I do believe a subordinate is just someone you're a manager of. Yeah, I don't know what they call. But yeah, dom and sub. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's someone of the dom. Submissive. I think you're right. I think it's submissive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God damn it. They paid up front, so there wasn't any card swiping going on. So it's like a cash before. Well, before, right, I get you. Yeah, so there's no, like, at the end, you're always 100 quid or whatever, you know.

46:07Rosie Ramsey:That'll be awkward, isn't it? I once, this just blows my mind, and I don't know why anyone would enjoy this, but maybe you can shed light on this. Right. If you do like this sort of thing. I once made a sub sit in a corner of the room with a pillowcase on his head. It says here he was stalkers too, naked. And I totally ignored him for an hour whilst I spoke to my friends, did some admin in my then dungeon, berated him and belittled him whilst talking to said friends and he was hard as a bat on. He just fucking... Mate, fucking get married if you like getting ignored. Joking, aren't you? Are you amazing?

46:47You fucking want me to live his life.

46:49Rosie Ramsey:He must just have a really good wife. He's married so well that he has to go somewhere else to just get ignored and slated. Wow. He's married so well. Come here. Go in our dressing room. try and pick up some fucking rubbish, you'll be, honestly, you'll be a flagpole. Yeah, but then he'd get hard and I'd go, you're disgusting! Ugh! My eyes! Oh, erections are not for the week. Put that down and stop that and all. Put that down and put that down. Exactly. Disgusting. That's mad. Did our admin in that? Had a stonk and hard on for the entire time and yes, multiple times during his hour, I said, look at the state of you.

47:30Rosie Ramsey:you've been betting

47:34I just

47:35Rosie Ramsey:I don't get it but there's some serious deep rooted trauma there's trauma going on there like crazy trauma someone just having a go at you well I worry now sometimes am I just like am I a nice mom oh don't start talking about that are my kids going to be like my mom was so nice that now I pay a woman to go around and sit in the kitchen and she blances no no no no I think it's when the horrible it weirdly gets you still need it Yeah, they still need it. Yeah, I think it's, yeah. I mean, you don't know. Who knows? There's no fucking rule book, is there? No. It's horrible. I mean, in each other room, it's not harming anyone.

48:08Rosie Ramsey:They're both adults. Well, we're having a new thing in the minute with YouTube, aren't we? Trying to, like, not them be on that because every five minutes you watch a video, ironically, on your phone, that's like, oh, what do you say? YouTube frame changes every three seconds and it's too much for them. There's no, like, and I read another thing in the idea that said you can't parent them the way you were parented, the way your childhood was because they live in a different world now. and it's like, there's no fucking rule book. It's absolutely solid. And you can't go throwing shit like that in the fucking mix as well.

48:34Memesie's just,

48:35Rosie Ramsey:honestly, in his defense, Memesie's just had enough of the whole thing and he's like, I just want to be sat in someone's kitchen. Let me hard on be free. No, sorry. Don't try and make this sound normal. No, no, no. I'm not having this. No. In the pillowcase on his head, sitting there, absolute rock on, just being told, told he's a piece of shit. The fact that he paid, just do an admin. Talk to my mates and do an admin. Easy money. Wow. this one I could get on board with right once a guy paid me £2 ,500 right to lick his face after I'd eaten a clove of garlic how do you know that this turns you on how specific is that I love garlic though you're eating a clove I'd eat a oh I'd eat a raw clove of garlic and I would lick something for£2 ,500 how long should you lick his face for it doesn't say I wouldn't lick something for an hour oh it says The reason she charged that much is because she couldn't work for three days afterwards because pillow face doesn't like garlic.

49:34Rosie Ramsey:He's got a pillow on his head. It's pungent. Is that what she said? She couldn't work for three days afterwards because she's had raw garlic. She's done with garlic. So you want your garlic face fix, you need to pay as far as many days I'm going to have to take off. Pay as far as my downtime, yeah. Good God. Do you think it was raw or do you think it had been baked in the oven? Baked in the oven wouldn't be as bad. Raw. Raw's going to put you out of commission for days. Days, days, days. So good for you, though. Oh, yeah, she'll probably, yeah, immune system would be through the roof. Yeah, she'll be great.

50:02And for three days, she didn't have to see any. These fucking perverts, so she'll had a great, yeah.

50:06Rosie Ramsey:How, okay, how do you realize that your kink is somebody licking your face who's had raw garlic? How? How? Pretty innocent, to be honest with you. I mean, it's not, like, she could be shitting in his face. Too bad. Fair. Two things. either you were on a date with someone and they'd had some garlic and you hadn't had the garlic and you had a kiss with them and you were like oh my god i need this forever i need that and i need it more i need like you're kissing someone and you're like oh you like smell of garlic oh kiss has now licked my face oh and this is the bit left field um your dog accidentally ate some garlic and then you let it lick your face and you went oh what's going on downstairs oh i must be into this and And that was it.

50:53And then he apologized profusely to the dog.

50:55Rosie Ramsey:Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Hi, guys. Hi. Just a quick one. On this week's episode, when you were talking about people getting in cabs, that smell. I mean, we've talked about that many times, but yes. So certain. Horrible, horrible, horrible. There's a man in the gym that I go to who is a driving instructor. Right. Three to four times a week, early morning, I watch that man do a full workout in jeans, trainers, and a hoodie. and then get back into his car to do what I can only assume is a full day teaching people to drive. Fuck off. Full workout in his clothes, no shower. I can only imagine the smell of that car and it upsets me every time I see him.

51:35Oh.

51:35Rosie Ramsey:In his defence, he could be going home and showering and changing. Why training in jeans? Why training in jeans? Stop, everyone. Stop training in jeans. Stop it. Come on, I tell you what. But I wouldn't, if I got a driving lesson and he smelled, I wouldn't go back. Yeah. I told you mine used to change smoke and then fall asleep. I've told you this, haven't I? Yeah, that's terrible. While you are doing your driving lessons. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I ended up fucking miles away. Because you know, you get to the roundabout, if nothing's said, go straight ahead. I was fucking miles away. I just kept going.

52:06Rosie Ramsey:He lives on the edge. Yeah, yeah. People who haven't got a driving license, he's just fallen asleep. And he never put his belt on. Wow. Because he said if anything happened, sometimes belts can jam and you can't get out. Like if the car sets on fire, your belt jam, you can't get out. But the bit before that. I mean, I'm not, I'm a maniac. You'd end up through the window. Mum's a maniac. Yeah, he's an absolute maniac. It's crazy. The fucking, the light, it didn't beep. He'd done something to turn the beeping off, but the light just flashed all the time through his seatbelt, constantly. Oh, God.

52:31He was mental. He was a maniac.

52:32Rosie Ramsey:Absolutely ridiculous. But the thing is, he was really cheap, obviously. So I got him. Shock. My girlfriend at the time got a misser. She got him. All my mates at the time, they got them. They got him. It's crazy. Shock. I remember I got a phone call from someone going, does he fall asleep on your lessons? I was like, yeah, yeah, sometimes, yeah. Crazy. Babadoo babadoo babadoo Hi Chris and Rosie Please keep me anonymous as usual I wasn't sure if this story was quite strange enough to send in But it's something that genuinely happened to me a couple of years ago And it still makes me laugh And feel a bit uneasy when I think about it At the time I was working late shifts At a petrol station just outside town Oh hell The little window and that I've often thought working Fair play to them like Keeping the country running but when I have to go to a petrol station in the middle of the, I mean, I'm always fuming where I'm like, you go in, the door's locked and you go, I'm not pointing out fucking chicken Caesar wrap and letting you run and get it and bring it and then go, actually, no, I don't, I want a hamster.

53:29Forget it. I'll just go hungry.

53:30Rosie Ramsey:God, I haven't done that for years. Oh, no. Nothing exciting. Mostly people buying snacks, energy drinks, sorry, or asking if we sold things we very obviously didn't sell. My shift finished at midnight and since I didn't drive back then, and I always had to catch the last bus. Oh, bless you. Awful. If you've ever taken the last bus anyway, you'll know it has a very specific atmosphere. Oh, yes. Yeah, it does, doesn't it? Oh, yes. Last chance saloon. Yeah, everyone on it is rather exhausted, drunk, or slightly suspicious looking. Or all of the above. Yeah. Yeah. Most nights it was pretty quiet, though.

54:04Rosie Ramsey:One night it was raining, and I was already in a bad mood because my shift had dragged on forever. Got you. I got on the bus with a coffee from the shop that probably shouldn't have still been on the shelf, and sat a few rows from the back. There were maybe four other people on the bus, a woman asleep against the window, a teenager blasting music through his headphones and an older guy sitting in the middle with a large black suitcase next to him. Oh, what's he done? At first, I didn't think anything of it. People travel with suitcases all the time. Oh, for fuck's sake. What's he got in there?

54:35No, it's not. It's not going to be body. It's going to be, if we find out what it is, it's always, it's always like a mannequin or like a thousand pairs of dirty underpants or a fucking six pumpkins. It's always something so fucking stupid and weird. And then they go and went, and I never find out why we had it. And I'm sitting here with a nosebleed because I want to know why he had it.

54:55Rosie Ramsey:After a few minutes, I noticed he kept adjusting it like it was heavier than he expected or like it might fall off the seat. The bus was quite quiet, except for the rain hitting the windows. Then the suitcase moved. No. Just slightly. No. I told myself it was probably just the bus going over a bump. No. But a few minutes later, it shifted again. Nah. More like something inside it had moved. Nah. The guy immediately put his hand on top of it and muttered something under his breath like he was trying to calm it down. This door, what's that? Right. At that point, my brain started going through every terrible possibility.

55:33Rosie Ramsey:Either he had some kind of animal in there, or I was about to end up in the opening story of a crime documentary. Or it's someone whose fucking thing is being in a suitcase and taking them on public transport and they're in that case wanking. Eventually, the driver noticed the movement too and asked if everything was alright. The guy said yes very quickly and looked extremely uncomfortable. A few minutes later, the suitcase thumped again and I could swear the zipper moved slightly. Not enough to open fully, just enough to make me extremely aware that something was definitely inside it. No. My stop was coming up anyway, so I stood up and walked past him.

56:08Rosie Ramsey:I must have looked a bit concerned because he sighed and said very quietly, Rescue ferrets.

56:26Poor bugger.

56:28Rosie Ramsey:Poor bugger.

56:33You could have stopped there. you could have stopped there and you could have given me a year would you never have guessed you could have given me a year and as many guesses as possible and I would not have fucking come up with rescue ferrets

56:48Rosie Ramsey:apparently there were seven of them in the suitcase fucking hell one were they okay two you're not keeping that case afterwards with a load of fucking ferret shit in it you'd pick them up from someone who couldn't keep them anymore last bus with a suitcase The bus ride was the only way you could get them home that night. God, what are you doing? You're getting home after midnight with seven ferrets in a suitcase and just opening them and letting them be in your house. What? He's not getting a bed. They'll phone them on. And this is never a sentence I thought I would ever say, but how long is it going to take them ferrets to get settled in?

57:25Who knows?

57:30Thank you for listening and watching.

57:34Rosie Ramsey:this week's episode of Shagmire Annoyed. Yes. Thank you, thank you so much. I'm just going to reach from your phone so I can read you the details, but as always, if you want to get in touch, it's shagmireannoyed at gmail.com and the number for the WhatsApp messages and the voice notes. Big love to the fellas who sent me this week, by the way. Thank you so much. 07874 406650. All that information is on the podcast shops where you listen to it. If you're watching on YouTube, subscribe. Thank you. That's the end of me rant. See you next week. Bye. Bye.

58:04Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo