A new crush, a tour update and the return of Barry Beef!

5:20Barry Beef:I feel like they should have a bit of that. They should have a bit of that. She was great. I don't want to dig out the one that I've used before, but there's a guy I use on the Peloton sometimes and you know, I go on and I'm like, I'm busy. I've got loads of that. I'll just do a 15 minute or a 20 minute like sort of interval sprint run and then at the end he's like,

5:38Carl Hutchinson:stretch i'm like motherfucker i've got stuff to do you're a work like this is your fucking job

5:43Barry Beef:like and he's like i know he's not deliberately making us feel like shit about it but i feel like he's making us feel like shit about no they're not they're not but i think they're

5:49Chris Ramsey:on commission so i think if i go and do his no yeah yeah the most but they gotta be some kind

5:54Barry Beef:of performance rated thing so i think if i go and do his stretch and then he's yoga everyone's like oh so he's getting every time he does you do one of his classes he's getting three hits oh okay i

6:02Rosie Ramsey:never thought about that no it's a great thing i think they're great i love it i love ours but She didn't speak and I just thought, yes, please.

6:08Barry Beef:At this Pilates you did, did anyone fart?

6:11Rosie Ramsey:No.

6:12Barry Beef:No?

6:12Rosie Ramsey:No.

6:12Barry Beef:Because yoga, farting's a thing at yoga, isn't it?

6:14Rosie Ramsey:I could imagine. I will, I probably will at some point.

6:18Barry Beef:But farting's a thing at jiu-jitsu as well. Of course it is. So Carl asked us this the other day when I went to jiu-jitsu in a place down next to Milton Keynes. And he was literally like, does anyone have a fart? And I was like, oh, aye. I was like, if you're like basically putting some pressure on someone on the fart, it's like, and he was like, oh, does everyone, does no one say anything? And I was like, no, everyone just like pisses themselves laughing. Everyone laughs. laughing. That's like school.

6:36Rosie Ramsey:I'd be upset if you'd ignored it.

6:38Barry Beef:No, no, that would be horrible if you ignored it, wouldn't it? That would be absolutely horrible. But no, it's all good. Oh, well. Well done. You going to go back?

6:44Rosie Ramsey:Yes, I'm there tomorrow.

6:46Barry Beef:Very good. Very well done. Guys, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you for being part of this silly, silly little world that is Shagman and Old. We really, really do appreciate it. Please like and rate and subscribe and all that stuff. That's all I'm going to say about it. And without further ado, it's time for the next week's lucrative lucrative that's enough sponsor

7:05Rosie Ramsey:I feel really I want to like scream and shout today

7:09Barry Beef:right okay

7:09Rosie Ramsey:because my body hurts so I'm like

7:12Barry Beef:so you're going to get the insight to go off it well maybe don't do all that the mic again it's quite annoying it's time for this week's sponsor this week's sponsor is something that's never happened to us before that is I can't believe the amount of years that I've been doing this thing and it's the first time it's happened this week's sponsor is is opening the dishwasher door onto your shin. Oh. I did it the idea. I was busy. I was doing something. I had something dirty. How far did you pull it out? I had something dirty hanging over the sink and I was standing too close and too to the right and I opened the dishwasher and it hit us just below my knee on the shin and I wanted to die.

7:46Barry Beef:Oh, bless you. I've got... It was so painful.

7:48Rosie Ramsey:I want to talk about the dishwasher.

7:49Barry Beef:Okay.

7:49Rosie Ramsey:Should we do it when we've done this?

7:51Carl Hutchinson:Okay. Oh, stay tuned to some epic dishwasher chat.

7:56Rosie Ramsey:it is it's really it's groundbreaking you're going to lose your mind you're going to die you're going to die on the spot when I tell you

8:02Barry Beef:guys we're going to die on the spot guys right people who host the who host the podcast put 15 adverts in here because they'll stick and we'll get loads that'll be good do you think all that carnage no I'm totally joking I mean there probably is some I don't know don't listen to this podcast

8:13Carl Hutchinson:don't listen to any great you ready

8:15Rosie Ramsey:here's a jingle

8:19Rosie Ramsey:we had a fight about the jingle jingle Jingo. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jing. Jingo. So this is the jingle. Jing. Jingo. We hope you like the jingle. Jing. Jingo. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Jing. Jing. Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagmored Annoyed Dishwasher. Yeah. Okay, this is sort of like a beef, but it's not really. It's just a discussion that you and I need to have, but let's have it with everybody else as well. Okay. which has been our life for the last seven years.

8:52Barry Beef:Yeah, but you know our previous with the dishwasher. I know.

8:55Rosie Ramsey:Okay, I'll tell you right now. I'll tell you right now. Okay. I don't like dishwashers. Right. I find them ridiculous, right? Okay. And so I hate filling them. I hate emptying them. I know, I'm aware of this. I would rather wash the dishes. Yes. Okay? I would rather stand and wash the dishes and dry the dishes. I find it quite cathartic. When you're away, I don't use that dishwasher. Have you noticed?

9:16Barry Beef:No, because I'm not here.

9:18Rosie Ramsey:Okay, well, it doesn't get used. so I have a proposition because you love the dishwasher and I very rarely use the dishwasher and we're 50-50 now it's not like the old days when you were at work and I was at home 50-50 I earn as much money as you not this year because you're on tour but normally we're half and half it's incredible

9:36Carl Hutchinson:how you just completely shut on your own point shut your fucking face alright

9:39Rosie Ramsey:shut that fucking pie hole in the middle of your fucking face what's that off it's off a film listen listen the dishwasher stinks I was cleaning it yesterday do you remember the bottom where it gets dirty you get like food and that trap because it's disgusting and then I changed the salt the other day and I just thought to myself I don't even like this

10:00Carl Hutchinson:right

10:00Rosie Ramsey:so you need to take over that job

10:03Barry Beef:of cleaning the dishwasher yes okay that's all that was promise yes

10:09Rosie Ramsey:you need to take over cleaning it you need to buy the stuff from the shop the little things that you put in yeah yeah I'll do that you need to wash it you need to clean it you need to do the salt you need to do all the stuff because I hate it it makes it It smells, I'd rather wash the dishes and dry the dishes, but you insist on using the dishwasher so you can be in charge of it. I'm not taking any responsibility for it anymore.

10:28Barry Beef:I don't understand your mind. First of all, I thought you were going to say take the dishwasher on tour, which is mental. What's your problem with the dishwasher?

10:36Rosie Ramsey:Were you listening to everything I just said? Is it the smell?

10:39Barry Beef:Is it the smell? I hate the smell. Right. And you hate loading and unloading.

10:42Rosie Ramsey:I hate loading it. I think it takes longer. I think it's the stupidest invention ever.

10:47Barry Beef:Really?

10:47Rosie Ramsey:I genuinely think it takes longer. have dishwashers. Me mate Steph hasn't got a dishwasher. Yeah,

10:51Barry Beef:Sean hasn't got one.

10:52Rosie Ramsey:Absolutely fine.

10:53Barry Beef:Yeah.

10:54Rosie Ramsey:I think they're more hassle than they're worth. I don't think we've got

10:56Barry Beef:a bench space for all the cleaning of dishes though. There's currently the fucking... Yeah, we do. You wash a baking tree.

11:01Rosie Ramsey:If you do it as you eat it.

11:02Barry Beef:Right.

11:02Rosie Ramsey:But you wash a baking tree

11:04Carl Hutchinson:it's like having a fucking it's like having a sledge next to your sink. Honestly, it really upsets me.

11:09Rosie Ramsey:Really?

11:09Carl Hutchinson:The dishwasher. I think it's great.

11:11Rosie Ramsey:Right, well then we're just different but all I'm saying is I don't want responsibility for it anymore.

11:14Barry Beef:Do you know it doesn't have to be fucking rammed to put it on? It doesn't have to be absolutely rammed to the fucking high heels.

11:19Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, because like I say, sometimes I use it when you're not here and it's only got a few stuff in it. But then I think, well, I should have just washed it.

11:25Barry Beef:Right.

11:25Rosie Ramsey:My man loves the dishwasher.

11:27Barry Beef:She can't fucking stack it either.

11:28Rosie Ramsey:Well, I know she can't, but that's bad. I opened it this morning.

11:30Barry Beef:I didn't know what was going on.

11:31Rosie Ramsey:She loves the dishwasher, which I don't understand. But she needs to learn how to use it. I know, but she had years of not having one in a family of five. Okay. So I kind of, I think she's got trauma.

11:41Barry Beef:Yeah. I just think in every relationship, there's someone who can stack a dishwasher and there's someone who hasn't.

11:45Rosie Ramsey:I'm better at it, but I don't like it.

11:47Barry Beef:You're not better at it. That's the thing.

11:48Rosie Ramsey:No, you know what upset is? It's like, oh, this thing that you've used, I can't go in. So you're having to fill a sink of water to wash a couple of things that can't go in.

11:58Barry Beef:Don't fill a sink of water. Just wet the things, put a bit of stuff on.

12:01Rosie Ramsey:I like, you know, I like a bath. I love my hands. I love water, mate. A kitchen bath for your hands? I just love a kitchen bath.

12:07Barry Beef:The thing is, in every relationship, there's someone who can do the dishwasher and there's someone who can't. and the person who can't

12:12Rosie Ramsey:doesn't

12:13Barry Beef:yeah but the person who can't doesn't realise how shit they are at the dishwasher because the person who can i.e. me opens it sighs is sick of seeing something and just fixes it before it goes on and they never realise they'll never learn they'll never learn

12:27Rosie Ramsey:well listen I have I've learned and I'm taking you can take full responsibility for it

12:31Barry Beef:fine

12:31Rosie Ramsey:it's just the cleaner

12:32Barry Beef:I might put a lock on it I might put a lock on it so only I can use it how about that how about that yeah put your money where your mouth is I will put a fucking padlock with a cord on that dishwasher

12:45Rosie Ramsey:I'll work out the cord

12:47Barry Beef:you won't work out the cord I fucking will I'll make a comp I'll get you drunk and I'll make you tell it I will get Chachi BT to just randomise me a cord

12:54Rosie Ramsey:a new cord every day yeah

12:55Barry Beef:new cord every day alright

12:57Rosie Ramsey:alright I'll put a lock on it go for yourself yeah yeah great great I hope you enjoy living in a sexless marriage

13:04Carl Hutchinson:I'm there now

13:09Rosie Ramsey:Remember when a sex band used to work

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13:50Chris Ramsey:When you want your spring break to feel like and your kids pool day to feel like and your hotel bed to feel like Ooh, and room service to feel like... Because at Hilton, hospitality feels like... Your cabana's ready. Would you like fresh towels? It matters where you stay. Book now at Hilton.com. Hilton, for this day. This episode is brought to you by Nespresso. Introducing VirtuoUp, the latest in a long line of innovation from Nespresso. It's innovation you can touch. scents and taste in every single cup with a three second start easy open lever and dedicated brew over ice button it's even easier to enjoy your coffee your way sip for yourself shop virtuo up exclusively at nespresso.com

14:50Barry Beef:rosie chris would you i'm on tour at the moment would you like a tour update of what's been going on um yes sorry okay do it again do it again do it again because you might extend it and people

15:07Rosie Ramsey:want to go they want to buzz about it and i would like the money so right okay i'm doing this for the i'm doing this for the money right yeah go on again are we leaving that in or we're taking that

15:16Barry Beef:we'll leave it in ready okay just just making sure so everyone watching in the in the team knows what's going on okay we'll try that again shall we um rosie yes would you like a tour update

15:25Rosie Ramsey:Oh my gosh, yes, go on. Oh, he's having so much fun. It's great, isn't it? Fantastic.

15:30Barry Beef:So does that come from the fact that you're sick of parenting on your own? No, I'm - Or does that just come from the fact that you can't be asked to hear about it?

15:36Rosie Ramsey:I'm joking. I genuinely, I'm not sick of parenting on my own. No. We've worked out.

15:40Barry Beef:Yeah.

15:41Rosie Ramsey:Our kids are better when one of us isn't here.

15:44Barry Beef:Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's madness.

15:45Rosie Ramsey:When we're both here, it's little dickhead o 'clock. When one of, genuinely, to the point where - I think that's a thing.

15:52Barry Beef:I think that's a thing.

15:52Rosie Ramsey:Well, I think we need to change the world and we need to change marriage. We need to flip it on its head. Me and you love each other genuinely, don't we? We still do. Yeah. Everything's fine. Right.

16:04Barry Beef:I'll see you. For the sake of the recording, yeah.

16:08Rosie Ramsey:I don't, because honestly. Of course I do.

16:10Barry Beef:I adore you. I adore you. People are surprised when they see you in public and they see that we actually like each other. It's mad, isn't it?

16:16Carl Hutchinson:They're like, hey, is that real? I imagine it's like, for some people,

16:20Barry Beef:I mean, I don't know. I'm just totally guessing. I imagine seeing the actress from Gavin and Stacey holding hands and going, well, fucking hell, they're together in real life. I know they're not, but I imagine seeing something like that.

16:29Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, well, no, it is. I think people are genuinely shocked when we quite like each other. So, but for the sake of when you've got kids, I think that we should have another little house and I think we should take turns to live in that house, but to be married, but to have date nights and stuff, but have the kids separately because they're just better.

16:49Barry Beef:I think mornings should be done separately. mornings when you're not there and I'm just doing the morning with them. I get them out of the house record time. When you're there, they fuck about as well. All right, well, honestly.

17:00Carl Hutchinson:They're trying to split up.

17:01Rosie Ramsey:That's what they're doing. They're trying to split up.

17:04Carl Hutchinson:Fucking two Christmases. What's this about two Christmases? You don't understand something. It's not what it sounds like. It's bad.

17:10Barry Beef:It's bad. Well, it's not bad, but you know, it's not great.

17:13Rosie Ramsey:It's not ideal.

17:14Barry Beef:Okay. I think we should do consecutive, what's it called? Okay. Opposite mornings. So I can just stay in bed? No, I'm on two at the minute. I'll probably have to stay in bed, especially night in one of Halifax tonight, aren't I? I'm back. As we record this on Wednesday, the 25th. Listen, listen. Tour update coming at you. Just a few quickfire things. Oh, God, yes. A couple of longer things, a couple of few quickfire things. First of all, we were driving along in the van the other day and I saw one of the worst things I've ever seen. Ooh. We were driving along.

17:39Rosie Ramsey:Worse than the last in the white tracksuit who shit herself.

17:42Barry Beef:Yes. Oh, God. We were in the middle lane, driving along, and it was rain. It was like lashing down with rain. Obviously, it's been raining since the beginning of the year. It was a three-lane motorway. Someone was on the far right lane in like a white American-style pickup truck, you know, like the flatbed pickup truck things. Cool. You would think so.

18:00Rosie Ramsey:Don't know what anyone in this country uses them for.

18:02Barry Beef:I don't know.

18:03Rosie Ramsey:With the back, with open like that. It is mental. So the passenger window opens.

18:10Barry Beef:So we're here, so he's just to our right. The passenger window opens and a guy hangs his head out the window and starts being violently sick. Like so sick. like so much like so much sick so much you hadn't told me this well now i've written it down the pocket it's fucking like pouring out of his face but it's like if you ever had sick if you ever had that sick where you've you've woke up you've had a hangover and all you've done all day is drink water and then you'll be sick and it's basically just water but there's loads of it so it was like it was it almost looked like slightly milky liquid just coming out of his face and then he pulled in front of her and as they pulled in front obviously they're trying to get to the lay by but he's just still being sick and it's mixing with the rain and it's bouncing stop on the road.

18:48Barry Beef:And I literally shouted the two of them. I was like, press that button. That shuts the vents. Because I was like, he's fucking like, he's airborne particles of sick are going to go into the car and into the vents. And it was, it was vile. Vile. Head out full. And we were losing, we couldn't get our phones quick enough to video. Whenever it was travel sickness or hungover or. Oh, it was horrible. God. Oh, it was horrible. So that's the first thing that happened. Great. Just as disgusting, I did my second van piss of all time. weed in a moving van

19:19Rosie Ramsey:what did you what receptacle

19:21Barry Beef:they are sponsors of the podcast big fan Huel

19:23Rosie Ramsey:oh Huel

19:25Barry Beef:great bottle to wee in perfect size yeah just can't recommend it enough

19:29Rosie Ramsey:they are quite a big size bottle did it have anything in it was it empty

19:33Barry Beef:no no no it wasn't but to my mind I was very upset very very upset but we were late for a gig we just couldn't stop you and Carl

19:42Rosie Ramsey:he's just pissed constantly

19:43Barry Beef:well I've got a lot of photos of my phone that I need to put on I'm going to collect them of Carl just me sitting in the van watching Carl weeing outside. That's also something that happens. Moving swiftly on.

19:55Barry Beef:Got a little more thing. I got a new...

19:59Rosie Ramsey:Never heard of you.

20:00Barry Beef:Got a new one for the league table.

20:02Rosie Ramsey:Sorry, anyone who just hasn't listened to last week, the Aberdeen taxi driver didn't know who Chris was.

20:07Barry Beef:And relished in saying never heard of you. Held the note. I got another one. We're in a hotel bar the other night and a man woke up to us and he said him and his wife had been sitting and they were looking over now and then and she went to bed and he walked over and he went, sorry, should I know you? Should I know you? Should I know you? And I went, what? He went, should I know you? And I went, I don't know, should you know us? And he went, what? And he realised what he'd said because it's quite a fucking rude thing to say. And then he went, oh, my wife said that, she recognised you. Oh, I'm a comedian, yeah.

20:39Barry Beef:He went, oh, right, yeah. I went, should I know you? He went, oh, no, keep up the good work and he just fucked off.

20:45Rosie Ramsey:Should I know you?

20:45Barry Beef:You're such a twatty thing to say. But I think he'd realised that as he said it. Because when I said, should I know you back home, he didn't like it.

20:53Rosie Ramsey:I met a new dad from school the other day.

20:56Barry Beef:Right.

20:57Rosie Ramsey:And I've been meaning to ask you about this because I don't know what he meant. And I don't think he knew why. He was like, I recognise you. Right. And you never want to say.

21:09Barry Beef:No, no, no. You never say it because they all go, it's not that.

21:12Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, yeah, okay.

21:13Barry Beef:You go, I do a podcast. I pop up on the tagline and then they go, ah. But he said, so what's this?

21:19Rosie Ramsey:He went, do you go to corals? Or do you work at corals? What's corals? Oh, it's a boogies. Oh, God.

21:33Carl Hutchinson:Sorry.

21:39Carl Hutchinson:No offense to anyone at work.

21:40Rosie Ramsey:Do you sit and work? Do you sit at the boogies? No, he said first, do you go to corals? like oh you just fucking frequent the bookies great but then i think he thought that i work there right fantastic i was i've been like racking my brains i thought it was something like sea life center or something i was like what the fuck is corals blue it's a bookies yeah yeah it's a bookies he realized after that but then he realized it through a friend of ours and you so then you got you then you realize but all week i've been meaning to see it like what is corals.

22:10Carl Hutchinson:It's the bookies. That's amazing. That's fucking amazing.

22:13Rosie Ramsey:Do you go to corals?

22:15Carl Hutchinson:Wow. Do you work in the bookies? That's great.

22:18Rosie Ramsey:No, I don't. He said, do you go first rather than do you work there? There's nothing wrong with working at the bookies. FYI. Oh, no. Yeah, of course. I've had every job under the sun. Yeah. It was just more like, I was kidding. I don't watch corals. Do you go to corals?

22:34Chris Ramsey:That's really good. That's funny.

22:35Barry Beef:During the day. Yeah, but to be fair, you do go to corals, but it's only you nick the little pens.

22:39Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. You don't put any bets on.

22:40Barry Beef:You just go and nick the little pens.

22:41Rosie Ramsey:I used to stand outside Corals because my granda always went and he made me stand outside. You might just have a really good memory.

22:48Carl Hutchinson:Do you stand outside Corals? Did you stand outside Corals 29 years ago? That was me.

22:55Barry Beef:Maybe more than that. Maybe 35 years ago. Imagine that. Oh, my God. A couple more on the tour update crack. Yes. We pulled up to Peterborough. Big shout out to the girl who was there. I said this on stage as well. we pulled up at the venue in Peterborough and now and then, so after the show people come to the stage door and I'll sign autographs and stuff and get some photos taken. There was one lady standing in the rain outside Peterborough when we arrived there at about 4 o 'clock in the afternoon. Obviously I jumped straight out of the van and was like what do you want so you can get yourself out of the fucking rain?

23:27Barry Beef:She wanted a baby. She wanted a photo.

23:30Rosie Ramsey:And a baby.

23:31Barry Beef:No, she wanted a photo and she wanted to play me her husband's farts in person. Anyone who's just listened to this as the first episode, I isn't aware, now and then people will send us farts on the WhatsApp as a voice note.

23:46Rosie Ramsey:It's gone too far.

23:49Barry Beef:She opened her phone. They were no less than about nine and she said the phrase, the exact words, he said the second one's the best. I went, just play that one then it's pissing down my brain. She played the second one. I heard it. I did a quick video for him saying, well done, fart sounded great. And then she left and I got in and the lady from the venue had watched this whole thing and she went, what was all that about? And I explained and she said, welcome to Peterborough.

24:16Rosie Ramsey:Peterborough, the land of the fart. So she just wanted your reaction.

24:20Barry Beef:Wanted me reaction in real time to the husband fart. Honestly, good fart. Solid eight out of ten, I would say. Yeah.

24:26Rosie Ramsey:They haven't got kids, have they?

24:28Barry Beef:I doubt they've got kids.

24:29Rosie Ramsey:You can't be standing outside of a stage door at four o 'clock in the afternoon waiting to show someone And, you know, a sound recording of your husband's farts. Yes. That's a lot of time.

24:40Barry Beef:She was in the front row as well. I'm jealous. I had a life when I came out. I'm jealous. It was very, very good fun. Did you play them for the audience?

24:46Rosie Ramsey:No, they're on her phone. No. Well, you could have got her phone off that.

24:49Barry Beef:I'm not doing that. I mean, they probably wanted to hear them, but no.

24:53Rosie Ramsey:Especially that second one.

24:55Barry Beef:Speaking of people outside, and I didn't know this, Carl told me this is the last bit of tour update. Carl told me a day, when we arrived at York on a different tour, a few years ago when we were on tour, he arrived in the pissing down, I'm just reading it so I get it right here. He arrived in the pissing down rain at about four o 'clock and I wasn't arriving until later. I think I was driving myself that day. This is the same woman? No, different woman.

25:17Rosie Ramsey:Oh.

25:17Barry Beef:So he arrived at York and there was an older lady outside in the pissing down rain and she had stuff to sign and she had a camera and Carl was like, oh my God, it was freezing cold pissing down. And for some reason, even though she had photos of me, she went to Carl, are you Chris Ramsey? And because it was pissing down, it was freezing and Carl was worried about her. Carl went, yes. Wow. So he got selfies with her and he signed all of the Chris Ramsey stuff just so she could go. He just wanted her to go because it was freezing and he knew I wasn't going to be there for a good three hours. So if you, just word of warning, if you've sent an older relative to get some merch signed for yourself, for me, there's a very good chance.

25:54Barry Beef:Did he sign your name? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

25:57Rosie Ramsey:There's a very good chance. It's just Carl's signature. That's mad. That is madness. I love it though. he was like look

26:03Barry Beef:I just he was like she was freezing I just wanted that to have to go he was like it was really cold I went fine I went feel free to do that again

26:09Rosie Ramsey:I don't think I've ever I don't think who when I was younger obviously there was like boy bands and that but as a grown up I've never loved a celebrity that much I don't think it's because I wasn't around

26:22Barry Beef:when you were a kid that's it see if I was around you'd be like that comedian brilliant him

26:27Rosie Ramsey:that's the rankest thing you've ever said that's me thoughts I can tell you right now I wouldn't have fancied any of the comedians

26:31Barry Beef:right not even me

26:33Rosie Ramsey:what do you mean what I don't think young girls fancy comedians

26:38Carl Hutchinson:I present to you Russell Howard heartthrob

26:41Rosie Ramsey:oh fair enough yeah

26:43Barry Beef:yeah

26:44Rosie Ramsey:good luck with that yeah well just not me

26:47Barry Beef:not me is what we're seeing here that's what's no I'm not saying that

26:50Rosie Ramsey:I've just met you all in real life and the it takes a certain time it takes a certain time

27:04Rosie Ramsey:takes a certain type I think that's not my type I just think I would just I don't know we haven't got everyone I've got out with other than you is nothing like you let's put it that way I just chose I just think I chose dickheads I don't think you're so dickheads I think you're so actually really lovely you're the nice guys the thing is yeah we haven't got the sex so that's the thing

27:22Barry Beef:since I started comedy and since people started doing arenas everyone has always fucking said comedy is the new rock and roll. Since Newman and Medill did Wembley Arena years ago, everyone said comedy's a new rock and roll. It is not the new rock and roll because that, it will always be, people don't scream and cry at comedians. One girl has screamed and cried when she met us and got a signature and was crying and was shaking and everyone else in the queue was very, very uncomfortable and it was really odd.

27:52Rosie Ramsey:Do you know who I fancy a bit?

27:54Barry Beef:Who?

27:54Rosie Ramsey:Youngblood. he's young he's a lot younger he's covered in blood eh

28:01Barry Beef:he's young and covered in blood

28:02Rosie Ramsey:he's covered in blood no he's he's a singer well he's like a rock

28:06Barry Beef:is he the guy who he's almost always got his pubes on show his pants are so low sort of yeah like leather pants something about him

28:12Rosie Ramsey:something about him he's dead I think he's probably only about 25

28:16Barry Beef:yeah I think he would call you ma 'am yeah like ma 'am is he a brummie

28:22Rosie Ramsey:Ozzy Osbourne loved him so he's like

28:24Barry Beef:apparently he's really good with these fans. I've read multiple things that he will like stand for you.

28:29Rosie Ramsey:I went down a TikTok rabbit hole of him and he was so polite. Yeah. And he just seems really lovely and he's genuinely really talented and there's something really charismatic about him. Wow. And he's a bit fit. So I think, I think if I was going to stand outside someone's dressing room, it would be him.

28:44Barry Beef:Look, I made a few calls. I'm sure we'll know someone who knows him. Let's get it sorted. Wow. Happy 40th. Hello, Mr. Blood. It's my wife's 40th. Couldn't you just stand outside your dressing room for a bit and just...

28:56Carl Hutchinson:He would not like me, I don't think. Nah, of course he would. He'd be mad if he didn't like you. He'd be mad, wouldn't he? Look at you, you big Adidas Cardigan. He'd love you, man. He would love you. You can tell him how tired you are. Tell him how fever-stimulated you are.

29:14Rosie Ramsey:Tell him how much I hate the dishwasher.

29:17Carl Hutchinson:Yes, we can't like a house on fire.

29:20Rosie Ramsey:You ain't gonna like a house on fire. Do you honestly, baby?

29:22Carl Hutchinson:Young bruns are going to be meeting us. I'm on me good week this week. Because my period takes over my life, Mr. Blood.

29:27Rosie Ramsey:No, I'll catch him in a few years when he's had enough and he's quit drinking and all that stuff and he's ready for a mam. Do you know what I'm saying?

29:41Carl Hutchinson:It's time for What's Your Beam? Hello, hello, Chris. Hi, hi, hi. Oh, it's Barry Harris. Hiya, Barry. All right.

29:49Rosie Ramsey:I was just listening and are you giving away your dishwasher?

29:59no

29:59Rosie Ramsey:I've got a new flat and there's a space between the sink and the other cupboard and I think it's for a dishwasher

30:06Carl Hutchinson:right okay

30:07Rosie Ramsey:and I've just been putting me clothes in it ready for the washing machine but I just thought I heard the recordings that I do I mean I just heard through the grapevine that you're giving away your dishwasher and if you are I'll have it like

30:21Barry Beef:right okay

30:21Rosie Ramsey:yeah

30:23Barry Beef:no I'll use

30:24Rosie Ramsey:the dishwasher it's very much mine so you want to keep it yes please yes right i'm actually going

30:28Barry Beef:to put a lock on it that's gonna be my dish oh locks eh yeah wow is that where it is is that

30:34Rosie Ramsey:what you've got now locks locks on the stuff eh yeah it's my dishwasher mine okay yeah so what

30:41Barry Beef:so you've just for that space you've just been putting like a laundry basket in there to keep

30:44Rosie Ramsey:no i didn't have a basket what do you think this is fucking buying baskets so it's just a gap where

30:52Barry Beef:There should be a combat and you're just piling clothes up in there.

30:54Rosie Ramsey:Just me clothes.

30:55Barry Beef:Next to your sink.

30:56Rosie Ramsey:Well.

30:57Barry Beef:In the kitchen where you prepare food. Just a pile of dirty clothes.

30:59Rosie Ramsey:I haven't cooked for 25 years, sunshine. Actually. Don't assume. What do you eat? Well, not much.

31:08Carl Hutchinson:No.

31:08Rosie Ramsey:Fags. Brewing ale.

31:12Carl Hutchinson:Cigarettes.

31:13Rosie Ramsey:Dixon's pork pies.

31:14Carl Hutchinson:Right. Okay.

31:15Rosie Ramsey:It's just pretty. And I love to get the meat scraps from Morrison's. What?

31:22Carl Hutchinson:the meat crisps.

31:22Rosie Ramsey:Rosie called, Rosie said meat crisps. You just get the scraps of the meat, get all the best bits.

31:27Carl Hutchinson:Right, okay. Nice.

31:29Rosie Ramsey:Paste button. Savaloi dips. Fish and chips from Coleman's. Very, very northern based. I haven't cooked for years. I haven't got an oven. Got an out. Got an out. Got an air fryer though, because everyone's got one in there. Yeah, of course you have. Anyway, better go. Okay. Got to get back to work.

31:46Carl Hutchinson:Right, where are you working now?

31:47Rosie Ramsey:The general.

31:50Carl Hutchinson:What's the general?

31:52Rosie Ramsey:hospital

32:00Carl Hutchinson:honestly thought scrubbing up honestly thought you were going to say coral but you missed a trick there Barry

32:05Rosie Ramsey:no I do go to the coral though seeing your last there

32:09Carl Hutchinson:okay

32:18Carl Hutchinson:thank you very much just one load thousands You should keep it a secret for me.

32:28Rosie Ramsey:I'm saying that, kid. I'm sorry.

32:35Carl Hutchinson:Because this is visual now. Whenever you do do, Barry, you should bring up some glasses or a fake nose or something.

32:42Rosie Ramsey:That's the first time I've done it being recorded and I'm embarrassed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's horrible.

32:46Carl Hutchinson:It's a good little voice. I enjoy it.

32:47Rosie Ramsey:I think I only do it because you enjoy it. And my mum tells us that gender. So I'm sorry. I know other people will probably hate Barry, but that's fine. No, no. That's for you. That was for you. I love it. You're welcome. Thank you very much.

32:57Barry Beef:Thank you. I love Barry. Right. What's your beef with me? You can't possibly have one because I have, one, I've not been here much. And two, when I am here, I'm a bloody joy.

33:08Rosie Ramsey:The beef I've got, it's actually quite nice and quite sweet. And I don't want to, I know I talk about like me weight and all. Anyway, so I asked Chet J.P.T. what I need to do. because I feel like I exercise, I eat okay. I don't, I could eat better, but you know, I like food and I like wine and what the fuck, I've got vices. I don't care. I'm going to be 40. I like food and drink. Anyway, I asked you to eat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, what did it as a meal plan? It did as a meal plan. Yeah. Right.

33:37Rosie Ramsey:So I need to eat loads more protein. I need more protein. I'm going to have to start having,

33:41Barry Beef:I'm going to have to start having,

33:41Rosie Ramsey:I'm going to get on the shakes and shit. Yeah, you are. I'm gonna do it. So I need, it said more protein and it was just like a fasting from like half seven to half 10 in the morning, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, I'm just trying to be good. Right. Okay. Yeah. Every time we're eating, you want something and you keep saying, and I know you're trying to be sweet, but it's fucking really irritating. And I'm not like, I'm not in recovery from anything. I'm just trying to cut down. Okay. But literally, we were eating the driest bit of chicken the other day. And I was like, you can have mayonnaise or something.

34:18Rosie Ramsey:And you were like, I can't eat it in front of you. And I was like, you absolutely can. You can eat mayonnaise in front of us. I'm okay. I'm just cutting down. But if I thought you had a bottle of mayonnaise, that would have been hilarious.

34:35Carl Hutchinson:Cards on the table is mayonnaise in this Stanley. This is just a Stanley full of mayonnaise.

34:40Rosie Ramsey:I'm all right, though, Chris. I promise you. I promise you. It's more like an experiment. Because I know I can do it. When I eat well, I lose weight. Yeah. But you can eat whatever you want in front of us. I'm not like triggered or anything. Okay. Right. Except if it's them nice, if it's them salt and vinegar crisps from the co-op.

34:58Barry Beef:Yeah, we're good.

34:58Rosie Ramsey:No, I couldn't handle that. They are so good.

35:01Barry Beef:What if I covered them in so much mayonnaise that you couldn't see them and it just looked like I was eating handfuls of mayonnaise?

35:06Rosie Ramsey:I've never had, oh my God, crisps dipped in mayonnaise. Imagine. Oh, fucking hell. Geet's salty

35:13Barry Beef:Geet's salty Vinegar crisps Dipped in mayonnaise

35:15Rosie Ramsey:I'm gonna buy I'm actually gonna buy That pack of crisps For the weekend Right Okay How good are them Have you had them crisps What a fucking Rollercoaster of emotions This has been Chardonnay Vinegar Chardonnay and salt

35:26Barry Beef:Vinegar from co-op Yeah They're filth Absolute filth Other crisps are available Maybe

35:34Chris Ramsey:When it hurts my Right

35:36Barry Beef:What was your beef with you My beef with you is I know I've been away a lot So I haven't really got beefed with you although you must have some kind of tracker on me or some kind of something you're surveying us you can see what i'm doing you can see what i'm up to 24 7 because i'm not joking the minute whether i'm at home or away the minute i gather enough things or grab and carry enough things to occupy all hands me phone rings and it's fucking you every time if I'm leaving a hotel room and I'm literally like right bag on here right coat in my hand or anything in my hand any time I've got loads of stuff in my hand the phone rings and it's you

36:20Rosie Ramsey:this is a you problem it's a you problem it's a fucking you problem you live in a world where you think every time I'm calling you that I'm dying and that's not my problem

36:30Barry Beef:that is true that is true

36:32Rosie Ramsey:so chill the fuck out if I'm dying I'll ring you more than once if I really need you I will ring you again I'll ring you over and over again then you go oh she's rang us four times it must be serious if I've rang you once and not rang you back I just don't know where my slippers are what if you don't have enough

36:47Barry Beef:life left in you to ring four times

36:48Rosie Ramsey:then I'll die and what are you going to do you're going to have to live in a world where you didn't speak to us

36:52Barry Beef:why are you ringing me you're not an ambulance

36:54Carl Hutchinson:in this scenario

36:55Rosie Ramsey:I would never ring you exactly can I tell you right now I love you so much I would ring me mum

37:00Barry Beef:right

37:01Rosie Ramsey:I would ring me mum over you

37:02Barry Beef:okay so it's okay to not answer the phone you straight away I'm not going to get to a lot

37:06Rosie Ramsey:This is a you problem. This is, this has been, we've had this before.

37:10Barry Beef:Okay.

37:11Rosie Ramsey:You, it's embarrassing actually because you'll be in a meeting and I know you're like, I don't actually know that you're in the meeting. Yeah. I'm like, you know what, but I'll ring you and you'll be like, is everything okay? And I'm like, yeah, I just wanted to, and you're like, all right, well, I can't talk because I'm in this meeting and I'm like, well, don't answer your fucking phone, you psycho.

37:28Barry Beef:Sorry, I just feel like sometimes if you're, if I'm away and you're at home with the kids, whether I'm away or we or whether I'm just around the corner I feel like if you've got the kids it's my duty to answer the phone to be present in case he needs us for something

37:40Rosie Ramsey:but I'll just be calling to ask where like Robin's fucking something is where's he's left have you seen the football socks I go with this thing it's not urgent I mean I would like to know but it's not wait there's nothing there's nothing there

37:57Carl Hutchinson:okay

37:58Rosie Ramsey:no but you can you can ring his back in five minutes when your hands are on full

38:01Carl Hutchinson:right okay

38:02Rosie Ramsey:you are and then you'll be like

38:03Carl Hutchinson:he's playing football in bare feet thanks to you no you're gonna get yourself listen

38:08Rosie Ramsey:you're gonna get yourself so upset with me in a scenario where I've actually done nothing wrong because you're nuts okay and everyone knows you are that is fair so whatever well there you go I can't believe you what you're just blaming you're saying that I'm watching you you are because when I call you've got your hands full you go look at him

38:30Barry Beef:look at him look at him he just picked up a second suitcase he's got a backpack on oh look he's even got something in his mouth ring

38:36Rosie Ramsey:just it's so wild because I could say the same about you whenever I'm away but I never would because I'd go oh I'm busy right now I'll call him back in 30 seconds fuck you burp

38:52Carl Hutchinson:is that how you're closing your argument imagine they did that in court that's what I'm done

38:59Rosie Ramsey:have you seen that video of the lad.

39:01Carl Hutchinson:And to summarise, if the glove don't fit, you must acquit.

39:06Rosie Ramsey:And I can't make myself burp so I can't do it yet. Have you seen the video of the guy who sat on the floor with his friend and they're having like a thing and he leaves and he like rolls his legs over and farts and she goes, Tyrell! And he goes, well! And he gets someone sent you.

39:19Chris Ramsey:It just doesn't. He like rolls over and does a massive fart. Oh God.

39:25Barry Beef:Sounds like a jiu-jitsu fart. It wasn't his fault. It was his diaphragm. No, it's so funny. It was just his body.

39:29Rosie Ramsey:It's so funny. I just don't answer the phone okay sorry this I'll never answer the phone I'm triggered because you've done this before and you're making it to me and we genuinely don't speak to each other much when you're away

39:42Barry Beef:yeah I always just assume something terrible I'm a catastrophizer I always assume something terrible is happening I can't call you

39:47Rosie Ramsey:because you think that we're dying I've bought that thing for the car we'll be fine we're gonna be fine

39:54Carl Hutchinson:we're fine

39:55Rosie Ramsey:every scenario we are fine okay I believe you

39:58Carl Hutchinson:I believe you okay doggie doggie sorry well done

40:05Carl Hutchinson:it's time for questions from the public

40:11Barry Beef:as always if you'd like to get in touch it's shagged maridanoid at gmail.com to write things in and if you want to send in audio messages or voice notes it's the whatsapp number that's on you are ridiculous

40:24Rosie Ramsey:write the number down it's on the podcast write the number down

40:27Chris Ramsey:I can't

40:28Rosie Ramsey:write the fucking number down You do no prep for this podcast at all Other than your shitty fucking Someone vomited You wrote a full paragraph About someone vomiting I pissed in a fuel bottle for this Out of a van Write the number down You piece of shit I'm sick of working with you I'm sick of this I'm sick This is

40:45Barry Beef:Hey guys Welcome, welcome And thanks for all the You know All the positivity That we're bringing to your lives

40:53Barry Beef:07874406650 Brilliant

40:54Carl Hutchinson:Or Just go on the fucking page Of what you're listening to and click on it.

40:59Barry Beef:Or what, so they want to listen to me and then write it down to a bit of paper and then type it into their phone. Or they want to listen and type as I'm saying it. No, they don't. They can just go to the thing. Shout out to gmail.com is a very easy thing to remember.

41:11Barry Beef:07874406650 is not an easy thing to remember. Hence why I've never fucking bothered to remember it. I've checked out.

41:16Carl Hutchinson:Good.

41:18Chris Ramsey:Okay, WhatsApps.

41:19Rosie Ramsey:Right. Beautiful. You're going to enjoy this one.

41:23Chris Ramsey:Hi, Chris and Rosie. I've been meaning to send this story in for years and years and years and never have and I've just listened to Fatia telling the story about the man who takes his own toilet paper into work and I've thought the time is now. My wife who is a very good excellent person very clean very lovely and had a really really high up job in a really good company and she was spending the day busily interviewing people for another quite senior role and she needed the toilet and she needed to go now so in between interviews she ran to the toilet quickly did what she was desperate to do in the toilet wiped and thought that new toilet paper is incredibly smooth and soft luxurious the softest toilet paper that's ever been made and then she realized it wasn't the toilet paper it was the

42:18Rosie Ramsey:what do you think it is?

42:20Barry Beef:I know exactly what it is what do you think it is? and I feel ill for it

42:22Rosie Ramsey:no but don't say actually because then you sometimes guess it okay well no I'll trust you and I believe you I'm going to write it on my phone

42:28Barry Beef:I'm going to write it on my phone okay write it down in a text to you

42:31Rosie Ramsey:did you love how she was like my wife who's very clean

42:34Barry Beef:yeah

42:34Rosie Ramsey:very clean and very lovely

42:36Barry Beef:yeah

42:37Rosie Ramsey:two seconds before I tell you this monkey story about her she's very clean she's very lovely

42:41Barry Beef:skip it back a couple of seconds as well if I can play it again right I've written it down in your phone alright ready? yeah

42:46Chris Ramsey:Then she realised it wasn't the toilet paper It was the Side of her cardigan That she'd accidentally got her hand in And wiped her whole bum with She had no option did she?

43:01Carl Hutchinson:What did you put? I'll put the back of her blows I'll put it with the back of her blows

43:06Rosie Ramsey:So it was actually I think it was the pocket of her cardigan Oh my fucking lord

43:12Barry Beef:Oh my lord So she's gone to wipe and I thought it was gone in the pocket. I think she's had the paper on her hand and then she's accidentally gathered some of her clothing and she doesn't know that the cardigan's there because the paper is in between the hand and the cardigan and she's just wiped.

43:28Rosie Ramsey:Do you know what? That's never happened to me.

43:30Barry Beef:Out of all the people in the world who I would imagine that would happen to you, I imagine it would have happened to you on a weekly basis.

43:34Rosie Ramsey:No, a lot of stuff has happened to me, but that has never happened.

43:37Barry Beef:That is fantastic. I know. Does anything else want to say about the vest?

43:42Rosie Ramsey:Do you ever get shit up your back?

43:44Barry Beef:uh no but a once it's happened once no it has it's happened once i've told carl the story multiple times so the company was do you love this podcast i love it oh by the way listen

43:56Rosie Ramsey:if you don't get rave christened

44:01Barry Beef:fuck off travel um i tell carl about this all the time so that the um he loves hearing the story the company that we are managed by Avalon when I was first going down for like my first meeting to get signed with Avalon I was in London and I was desperate for the time I'd traveled all the way across London to go there and I was desperate for the toilet and I went and I had this this unbelievable bowel movement where it just like I don't know what happened but like it just went up me back and then I wiped and I'm not kidding it was like it was miles up like over on my belt line. Like, it was terrifying.

44:35Barry Beef:I was in a brand new toilet and I was literally about to go in for a meeting literally for the rest of my career. I was, you know, I was barely doing 20 minutes in clubs. I hadn't done the end of my friends. I'd done nothing. And I was like, I have essentially one step shy of shat myself and going into this thing. I didn't know this story at all. It was horrible. I remember wiping it. I remember thinking what, and it was like...

44:52Rosie Ramsey:I don't know if it was nerves.

44:53Barry Beef:It was never ending. I don't know if it somehow came out and curled upwards, defied gravity like a pig's tail. I don't know what happened. It was, I've never, I've never forgot about it. I'm not actually telling it as graphically as I could because I feel weirdly a bit self-conscious. I like other people doing it, but not.

45:07Rosie Ramsey:You ate terribly back then.

45:08Barry Beef:I did eat terribly back then.

45:10Rosie Ramsey:I did eat terribly back then. I've got you a lot better at eating since then. Oh, God, yeah. So I can imagine it being sloppy and disgusting and a mess. It was the worst thing ever. It was the worst thing ever.

45:17Barry Beef:And I think in sorting it, I blocked the toilet and then I was like, I need to go and have this meeting before the word gets around. Because in me head, I think, yeah, I do. So I blocked the toilet and then I went in for the meeting. You blocked the toilet? But in my head, because obviously I catastrophize. They all talk about this, by the way, at Avalon. Well, no, I don't think they know. But in my head, I catastrophize. And I obviously think that while I'm in this meeting and I'm about to sign with this management agency who are going to get us on telly and make us famous, that the cleaner's going to walk in during the meeting

45:44Carl Hutchinson:and go, whoa, whoa, whoa, stop. Has he signed that yet? Come and see what he's done in this toilet. And they all come and look. They go, oh, I'm sorry, we can't sign you. You're an animal. I go, oh, no, please. They go, back to uni. It's true.

45:58Rosie Ramsey:No, I think with my... Now that I don't... Oh, guys, by the way, I don't shit myself anymore. So I've cut out... Sorry, you haven't...

46:05Carl Hutchinson:You just had diarrhea. You wouldn't shit myself.

46:07Rosie Ramsey:I'll tell you right now. I'll tell you right now. I have, in the house, absolutely shit myself a few times. Wow. Because of the eggs. Eggs. Burning eggs. It's the white or the egg yolk, I don't know. But now I just eat really overcooked, hard-boiled eggs. Horrible. Yeah, awful. but I don't don't chip myself anymore because I had a problem with eggs so thank you

46:33Barry Beef:39 years it's not going to work that out yeah

46:35Rosie Ramsey:it's bad that isn't it so I've had some messy I've had some messy times well there it is yeah okay do you want should we see what happened yeah yeah yeah

46:42Chris Ramsey:so she had to rinse it in the sink rinse it in the sink with hand wash and hot water dry it under the dryer and go and interview the next person erm I've enjoyed telling this story so many times to so many people, but I think more people needed to know. So there you go. Enjoy.

47:02Carl Hutchinson:Hey, resourceful.

47:04Chris Ramsey:Put it in the bin. Hand wash.

47:05Barry Beef:That would be a nice cardigan. But then...

47:09Rosie Ramsey:I don't think any cardigan's that nice after you've shat on it. Really, come on.

47:13Barry Beef:But is it not that thing if she came out with a cardigan? Well, again, she thinks that she'd put it in the bin, she'd go back in, people go, where's your cardigan? Oh, it's a little bit warm. And then she thinks during the next interview, someone's going to come with the bin and go, so you've just not given me a job but you shit on cardigans

47:29Carl Hutchinson:and throw them in bins so who do you think you are? Possibly. You think everyone knows. When you do something like that you think everyone knows.

47:36Rosie Ramsey:I know. I know. I've got to say though I think one lovely thing about getting older right I couldn't have said half the stuff on this podcast if we were you know how sometimes we sometimes think oh I wish this had happened earlier it wouldn't have. No. I would never have told anyone that I frequently used to shit myself in the house when I was 25.

47:55Carl Hutchinson:You don't care anymore, do you? No, I don't give a shit.

47:57Rosie Ramsey:Honestly, if I worked somewhere now and something happened at work and I shit myself, I'd literally go up to my mate at work and I'd go, I've just shit myself. And they'd go, oh my God, are you okay? Like, do you know what I mean?

48:09Barry Beef:It's also something to do with our personalities. There's a lot of people who wouldn't tell anyone any of this.

48:13Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, oh God, yeah. Yeah, but I mean, talk about surround... All of my friends would tell me if they've shit themselves. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's just people I surround myself with.

48:21Barry Beef:Incontinent people.

48:23Rosie Ramsey:Like on the recording days in London, I've had to stop taking grapes because I was crippled with wind. It was them grapes. Mad, innit? Every day, I'd just eat a punnet of grapes and I'd be like, why am I ill? Grapes. And then holding farting.

48:37Barry Beef:We do four episodes a day of Please Get Me Anonymous and when we go back to the hotel after I'm ill, I'm holding farting. We are holding farting. Our team must just think, I mean, I'm telling them now so they'll know, but my team must just...

48:49Rosie Ramsey:I've told them, I've told them last time, I said I'm ill because I'm holding me farting. I've fart all the time.

48:53Barry Beef:I go to the toilet all the time. all the time in the Muslim. God, he's so well hydrated. Just farting.

48:58Rosie Ramsey:Well, maybe next time she'll go for a little walk down the street so I can get mine out.

49:01Carl Hutchinson:Oh, that'd be good, yeah. A fart walk. Oh, it's them two, are you? They'll go for the little fart walk. Don't care.

49:05Rosie Ramsey:I don't care. Eat loads of fibre in that.

49:06Carl Hutchinson:Coming out the front door like bloody stars in their eyes. A load of steam behind you. Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be.

49:13Rosie Ramsey:They're going to die when I get on the protein shakes and that. Oh, that's a hell on. Absolute hell on. Hewling me tits off, I'm going to fucking stink. Listen to this. Too good to miss.

49:24Chris Ramsey:whilst i'm sending voicemails i have discovered an ick and i think it might make a lot of men very angry um because it's football related why is men saying the word var the most disgusting thing ever like just say var var sounds so like official i get it um but var is disgusting it's absolutely is disgusting. It makes me want to cry.

49:51Barry Beef:Fair.

49:52Chris Ramsey:Yank.

49:52Barry Beef:Fair.

49:53Chris Ramsey:Yep.

49:54Rosie Ramsey:So I had to Google it because I didn't know what VAR or VAR was, but it's the video...

49:58Barry Beef:It's the replay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They didn't have for years. It's still quite a relatively new... Well, that's not a new thing, was it? It's only a few years old. But yeah.

50:07Rosie Ramsey:But are men calling it VAR? Some people say VAR.

50:10Barry Beef:Oh, okay. It's the same as anything. People say stuff wrong. But yeah, VAR is what it's called VAR.

50:13Rosie Ramsey:People still say fajitas wrong.

50:16Barry Beef:I've told you. I've said it loads of times. I remember I wanted to make, this was years ago, I wanted to make some fajitas with chicken and like a tomato. I didn't want it to just be dry. I wanted it to be like a sauce. And I just randomly YouTubed it. And I saw this photo on YouTube of these fajitas. And it was like a sweet tomato based fajitas in this thing. It was smoky, smoky and sweet tomato or something like that. I was like, oh, amazing. And I saw them. And the guy was showing the finished article to the camera. And it looked incredible. and he went, right, I'm going to show you how to make these sweet and smoky tomato fajitas.

50:51Barry Beef:I turned the video off. I can't, I'm not, you are, no, no. I am not taking cooking advice for someone who just said fajitas. I'd rather eat the chicken bland on its own, out of principle.

51:05Rosie Ramsey:What's the spicy things like?

51:07Barry Beef:Jalapenos.

51:08Rosie Ramsey:Jalapenos.

51:09Barry Beef:There's people listening now, there's people listening now going, what do you mean? It's jalapenos.

51:13Carl Hutchinson:And I'm not saying, No, but I'm not saying, you don't have to go jalapenos.

51:16Barry Beef:You don't have to put a fucking sombrero on and, you know.

51:18Chris Ramsey:Back in the morning.

51:19Barry Beef:Yeah, you don't, just jalapenos.

51:22Carl Hutchinson:Jalapenos, not jalapenos. It's a huh, not a j.

51:24Barry Beef:You say huh all the time.

51:26Carl Hutchinson:Yeah, it's upsetting.

51:28Rosie Ramsey:It is upsetting. But now I find that it's stuff like that, that people say it wrong so much that now you're questioning yourself.

51:35Barry Beef:I do love a jalapeno in my vagina.

51:38Rosie Ramsey:And that's not a euphemism. That's not a euphemism. How are we, as British people, meant to say croissants? What is the correct way? That is tough. Is it croissant?

51:50Barry Beef:Is it croissant?

51:51Rosie Ramsey:Well, when we go down south and people are like, do you want to, and they're quite posh, the people we work with. Yeah. Guys, love yours, but yours are a bit posh. Very, very better educated than us. Yes.

52:00Barry Beef:See, very better educated. Very better educated. I've just proved it in my own sentence.

52:03Rosie Ramsey:They sometimes say, depends who it is, they'll say like, do you want some croissants? Which is like croissants. and I'm like, I don't know how I meant to say it.

52:11Barry Beef:I know Americans say croissant. Croissant. They say croissant.

52:15Rosie Ramsey:Croissant.

52:16Barry Beef:Croissant. You want a croissant? Yeah. In a French-esque restaurant. Hurry up for my damn croissant.

52:21Rosie Ramsey:Tune.

52:24Barry Beef:So we say croissant, but I do believe it's... I think we're wrong. We are wrong because we sound like it's spelled Q-U. Croissant. We're nearly saying quack.

52:33Rosie Ramsey:Just don't know.

52:34Barry Beef:But then again, it's one of them things. I kind of understand the jalapeno thing because it's like I'm deliberately not saying it to sound like I'm trying to say it in the right accent. So if we were like, Rob and Rafe, would you like a croissant? They'd be like, it's a bit too, a bit fucking try hard in your own kitchen in your pajamas, but I get it.

52:51Rosie Ramsey:I would just like to know, but I don't think it matters.

52:54Barry Beef:I don't think there's a right answer.

52:55Rosie Ramsey:Okay. I'm starving. I'm starving. Hi, Rosie and Chris. This is called, this email was subjected, pranks and workplace drama. Nice. Just, there's a couple of them, okay. Long time listener, I have two stories for you. Ooh, thank you. Starting off with the pranks. Thank you. My grandma once got two rose plants delivered to her door on Valentine's Day with a note saying, hope you enjoy these, grow them in the front so you can see them every time you look out of the front window. All right. She, of course, thought they were from my granddad as a present. She spent all year growing them in the front garden until she woke up one morning to the roses all gone.

53:37Rosie Ramsey:She ran outside to see what had happened, only to find another note on the front garden wall saying, Thank you for growing these for me. My wife loved them. We, collectively, 18 years later, still don't know who was behind this, and my granddad swears blind he had nothing to do with it. However, he can't see it with a straight face, so we all think it was him, one of his friends, playing a prank. What a fucking prank! That's so dark! I know. But also, right, people are far too trusting and don't watch enough documentaries. If somebody put roses, they're laced. They're laced with drugs. They're laced with deadly, violent, you'll be ill.

54:15Rosie Ramsey:Don't touch them. Report it to the police. That's what you think. No, but who's just like, oh, I'll plant these. No, what the fuck?

54:22Carl Hutchinson:How are the drugs going to affect you? They're outside. They're in the wind. They're in the rain. They're in the cold.

54:27Rosie Ramsey:If you water them, if you touch them, if you're around them, if they're in the air, the particles. the polygues these people mad things man no

54:37Barry Beef:you

54:38Rosie Ramsey:you're one of them you need to listen to more podcasts

54:40Barry Beef:no I'm not having that I don't think a rose can make you don't get us wrong if it was a fucking tin of soup or a you know I have this sandwich that I've given you fair enough but putting some plants in the garden are you thinking that she's going to

54:53Carl Hutchinson:prick her finger and fall asleep

54:56Barry Beef:for a thousand years maybe which one's that so hang on

55:00Rosie Ramsey:some roses have just landed on our doorstep. Yeah. Right. What are you doing? With a little note saying, who are these for us? All right.

55:08Barry Beef:What form is the drug taking that is being put in the plant and how is it going to affect me?

55:15Rosie Ramsey:I was saying to you, what are you doing in this scenario? Are you just, oh, let's just plant them. You wish you would put them so I could see them. I'll tell you exactly

55:22Barry Beef:what I will do in this scenario because this is what I do with all plants. I will leave them and I will walk past them again and again until the day of the dead and then I'll throw the pots away. that's what I'll do I've got a plant is not a fucking present it is responsibility I haven't got time to keep something else alive get it out my fucking face that's my theory on plants but would you not find it weird? yes because I'm a boy would you plant them? no I would walk past them until they died but my point is what super drug do you think could be on them that's gonna get you that you can't see with your naked eye and that you don't have to eat

56:00Rosie Ramsey:what What's the Russians use to poison people?

56:03Barry Beef:You fucking think it's going to be radioactive.

56:06Carl Hutchinson:Yeah.

56:10Okay, okay.

56:11Barry Beef:So you think there's something radioactive and you think they're wanting to plant it. And you are working on the Snow White theory that it's going to prick your finger.

56:18Rosie Ramsey:It's going to prick your finger and you're going to die. It's a new species of plant that we've never heard of.

56:23Barry Beef:And it'll kill you. And they only want to kill you with it. All by time.

56:26Rosie Ramsey:Well, I don't know who these people are. you are so naive wake up sheeple yeah yeah wake up sheeple I'm jealous I'm actually jealous listen I'll keep you alive don't worry I'll not be accepting any blizzard you keep me safe

56:40Carl Hutchinson:from all them roses I will

56:41Rosie Ramsey:I fucking will

56:42Carl Hutchinson:have you ever seen

56:43Rosie Ramsey:Hunger Games

56:44Carl Hutchinson:oh that documentary Hunger Games yeah yeah it's great

56:47Rosie Ramsey:that true life real life story it's my favourite film so don't say anything bad right workplace drama

56:53Carl Hutchinson:I'll wear that this is juicy right can I just say I love that prank I love that prank Grow these for us

57:00Barry Beef:and then once the coach fucking whips all the heads off People are mad

57:02Rosie Ramsey:I think that's genuinely happening I think people are insane

57:04Barry Beef:I think it was the grander but I think it's a fucking funny prank Really funny prank God could you be arsed

57:09Rosie Ramsey:Don't Do not write When we retire don't get bored and start doing shit like that because I just I hate shit like that

57:17Barry Beef:I couldn't be arsed with that

57:18Rosie Ramsey:No I know I don't think it's your prank I'm alright with that

57:20Barry Beef:I'll just I annoy you in the moment I need to I don't play the long game with pranks I'll annoy you in the moment I'll give you a fright I'll say something stupid I'm not going to don't worry about it

57:28Rosie Ramsey:it's just mad isn't it it's weird don't worry about it anyway I once worked at a bank sorry just

57:32Carl Hutchinson:just phone in the florist

57:36Rosie Ramsey:I once worked at a bank I won't say which one but let's say their logo is a black horse

57:42Barry Beef:so you've said which one then so

57:45Rosie Ramsey:my boss at the time was quite open about the fact he was having an affair with another woman who worked at their son's school

57:52Barry Beef:good god gross people being open about affairs um no one's impressed oh no no one's impressed i had a taxi driver the other day telling us all about his affair i'm not impressed i'm not impressed and another thing and it's a theory i've got i think i've spoke to you about this before i've been in a situation with people years and years and years ago people i don't really know now but i've been in a situation with people where we've been somewhere and one of the guys has been on the pull and i've gone he's got a girlfriend though at home and they've went oh yeah well he's there i've gone okay and then someone's went oh he's a nice lad though him innit and I've gone no how can he be a nice lad if he lives with someone and shares his life with someone and he's he's fucking them over in the biggest way possible what's he gonna do to me

58:36Rosie Ramsey:well

58:36Barry Beef:thank you for coming to me TED talk

58:37Rosie Ramsey:and they can't keep a secret so don't tell them any of your secrets yeah yeah to make matters worse when his son was going abroad for a sporting event he offered to go as one of the parents just so he could spend more time with his mistress oh god Some time past, paste it says here. Some time past. Some time past along quite slowly. And the mistress had had enough and wanted him to leave his children and his wife for her. Right. Because of this, he decided to do the unthinkable. In brackets, no, he didn't murder her. He didn't murder her. Didn't send her roses. Okay. He called the immigration office and somehow got her deported.

59:20Wow.

59:20Rosie Ramsey:I don't know how he spun such a horrible lie, but she did in fact get sent back home and her work visa was taken away. I, after this, left the company for a better job but did keep in touch. It turns out she never found out it was him that made the call and they were back in contact and seeing each other again. He would go over there twice a year for work meetings.

59:41Carl Hutchinson:Holy shit.

59:43Rosie Ramsey:That's a drama series, isn't it? ITV need that.

59:47Carl Hutchinson:That is absolutely up there. ITV drama isn't it he got juicy I know

59:54Rosie Ramsey:shocking that isn't that so awful I don't even know

59:57Barry Beef:what to say about that

59:58Rosie Ramsey:I know

59:58Barry Beef:that's so rotten but the fact that

1:00:01Rosie Ramsey:he's telling everyone well she's out there

1:00:02Barry Beef:now that's safe oh good I'll tell you what I'll just come to you from now one once twice a year on my terms vile

1:00:07Rosie Ramsey:vile they live amongst us like it's just fucking insane isn't it anyway some people man horrible fuck hi listening to episode 326 now and something happened today that I thought Rosie would enjoy the story. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 10 years. He's a very softly spoken man. In the beginning, there was one point where I thought I had to dumb him because I had to keep saying what to everything he said.

1:00:39Rosie Ramsey:That is everything. That's so funny. Otherwise, we have a great relationship and three children later, we are still together. Lovely jubbly.

1:00:47Carl Hutchinson:Speak up, man. Oh, God, this was charming at first, but we're in a busy restaurant? What?

1:00:53Rosie Ramsey:For the last couple of years, you're going to actually love this, right? Because I think...

1:00:59Carl Hutchinson:That's where I just said it. Women, you're so incredible. You're so fucking just... Mental. No, like complicated and stuff. There was a point where I thought I would have to dump him because he spoke too quietly. Fucking hell, man. Amazing.

1:01:17Barry Beef:Absolutely amazing.

1:01:17Rosie Ramsey:I noticed Ray had an ear infection last week. He's deep.

1:01:21Barry Beef:He's mumbling like, fuck, wasn't he? Yeah. No, he's got...

1:01:24Rosie Ramsey:The telly was on 10 this morning. Yeah. And he was like, I can't hear it. And I was like... He can hear it. He just wants it louder.

1:01:29Barry Beef:He's full of shit. He just wants it louder. He wants to not be able to hear anything else. He wants to be able to hear it above all other things. Right. He doesn't want to have to strain to hear it.

1:01:36Rosie Ramsey:God, I hate how loud our telly is in that room. I can't be in there. It's horrible. I can't bear it.

1:01:41Carl Hutchinson:It's horrible. Oh.

1:01:43Rosie Ramsey:Right, listen. For the last couple of years, we've had dramatics.

1:01:47Carl Hutchinson:Okay.

1:01:48Rosie Ramsey:We've paid hundreds into couples counseling. Oh, no. I have absolutely been convinced he's been gaslighting me by deliberately mumbling and not saying his sentences properly, right?

1:01:59Barry Beef:I've got to say, on the rare occasions that I mumble, you instantly hit the roof. I hate it. Instantly, yeah. Yeah, because you do mumble. Sometimes I do.

1:02:09Rosie Ramsey:And I'm like, I don't know what you're saying.

1:02:11Carl Hutchinson:No, I'm not.

1:02:12Rosie Ramsey:Okay. well just like you shout at me if I'm shouting from another room you go I can't yeah yeah and I'll go there's no need to shout

1:02:19Carl Hutchinson:oh shit oh god

1:02:22Barry Beef:I'm sorry for your thing

1:02:23Carl Hutchinson:it's not I'm over

1:02:25Barry Beef:it's not oh

1:02:30Rosie Ramsey:hit ya

1:02:38Rosie Ramsey:Robin's still doing that by the way right listen yeah I would address it with him He'd insist he hasn't and we'd go around in circles. Right? She thinks he's gaslighting her. Our kids kept talking quietly too and I had long conversations and moods with everyone of why they all kept going.

1:02:53Carl Hutchinson:You fucking arrogant cow. This, I know exactly what's happened here. Keep going, man. This is you. This is when you had your abscess thingies and you thought the dentist had bad breath but it was actually the smell of your rotten abscess. You would get on with this woman, this arrogant piece of shit who's just emailed in.

1:03:11Rosie Ramsey:She was my best friend Okay Go on Our kids kept talking quietly too Bloody, bloody, blah Telly was quiet

1:03:18Carl Hutchinson:Bus driver was quiet Cars Cars had turned their engines down The cinema had got quiet Seagulls no longer made It was a conspiracy Fucking arrogant bastard

1:03:32Rosie Ramsey:Listen, listen, listen Linda Ligon I've sent my kids to ENTs To rule out speech problems Which they're fine with and I said Chris listen I sent my boyfriend on an anger management course because of the amount he was shouting at me today today on a whim and at a loose end I wandered around the shops in the boots they were offering out free hearing tests like walk-ins turns out I'm half deaf and need hearing aids

1:04:05Carl Hutchinson:never in the world you fucking are the arrogance it's everyone else but me that is you know what's really sad about this though

1:04:15Rosie Ramsey:the saddest thing is that she's wrote it made me think of Rosie when she's his Chris Gaslighter

1:04:24Rosie Ramsey:it never clicked that it might be me that's the problem and I thought Rosie might relate to that I don't relate to you at all because I'm not the problem he is the problem and I am never wrong

1:04:34Carl Hutchinson:there it is

1:04:37Rosie Ramsey:you did that

1:04:39Carl Hutchinson:You did that. You had an abscess lance. One time I thought the dentist had halitosis. He had his mask on. A dentist had his mask on.

1:04:47Rosie Ramsey:Can you imagine the shock when I thought, this dentist's breath stinks. He should be really the pinnacle.

1:04:52Barry Beef:And he was busy literally taking a rotten tooth out of your mouth.

1:04:55Carl Hutchinson:It was me. It was vile.

1:04:57Rosie Ramsey:It was vile. Wow. Yeah. Wow. But that's bad. She's sending her kids for ENTs. That's so bad. That's bad.

1:05:07Carl Hutchinson:the arrogance of that it's unbelievable love her unbelievable

1:05:19Rosie Ramsey:thank you so much for listening and watching this week's episode of Shag Married Annoyed we just bloody just bloody love you so bloody much

1:05:25Barry Beef:we really do we hope you're still enjoying this as much as we are we really do sit down and have an absolute laugh even more at the minute and I think it's because I'm on two and we're not seeing each other as much oh my god

1:05:33Rosie Ramsey:I'm telling you the new way forward is 50-50

1:05:36Barry Beef:50-50 date nights 60, 40 in your favour.

1:05:39Rosie Ramsey:I'll have the kids 70, 30. They're getting older, they're getting better. 80, 20.

1:05:43Barry Beef:Fantastic, guys. If you want to get in touch, it's shagged. Marriedannoyed at gmail.com. And if you want to send in a voice note, it is 078744 06650. That number is also on the podcast page where you are listening to this.

1:06:00Rosie Ramsey:Congratulations on doing your job professionally.

1:06:01Barry Beef:Did you notice as well how I really slowed down the email while I opened that in my phone? God I should be on radio 2 or something it's a bloody waste never say never

1:06:09Rosie Ramsey:one day you might you never know

1:06:11Chris Ramsey:there it is

1:06:12Rosie Ramsey:that would be nice bye bye

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