Another Stag Do, A Little Accident and Memories of Snogging Strangers

17:14Rosie Ramsey:I think people will love it. is to have a book. Yep. And you open the book and inside the book there was a cut out thing the exact size of your AirPods case and that's where you keep it. Yep. I'm telling you right now I've just invented something. It's in the public domain now. I want to make a handbag. Yeah. I want to make a handbag but it's just got compartments. So you open it up and there's a little space for a lipstick. There's a little space for a couple of keys. There's a little space for your AirPods and then there's a little and then there's a space for your phone and everything fits in and then you just close it so that when you open it, you're like, oh, there's everything.

17:48Rosie Ramsey:Instead of, ah, fucking hate rifling through my handbag. Okay, okay. Where are you going to put your apple that's wrapped in a bit of kitchen roll that you always take with you? I'm not saying you can fit everything in this. Great. You can't. Fall down straight away. Where are you putting your 6 ,000 hair clips that you take and then leave around the house? There'd be space for it. There'd be space for it. There'd be a circle shape and you put a bobble there and all the little Kirby grips would fit inside. Have I? Have I made millions right now? I'm not even joking can I make this fuck it I'm gonna make it you know what you'd love like so certain golf things have little bits for the tees and little bits that stick in and stuff yeah little bits slush it's lush ah like you said slush honestly handbags really upset me really upset me I think it's cause you're a disorganised pig maybe anyway I've gone back to the wired headphones which are good but when I'm listening around the kitchen the amount of times that they get stuck on a drawer I've seen you it's so pathetic.

18:43You're like a dog that forgets it's got a lead on and goes for someone as they're walking past the garden. You're like, you're like, get caught on stuff. And the amount of times I've seen you either cooking or like pontificating with your hands, like gesturing and you flick the fucking wire and your ear thing comes flying out and I'm like, I know. Stay to her, man. I know. And I've lost a pair already, so.

19:04Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. That's what I can have for my birthday. You're the problem. Can I have that for my birthday? What? Can I just have three pairs of headphones? Pathetic. Why? But yes. But I want stuff that I'm going to use. Lose. You want stuff you're going to lose. Use lose. I'm going to send you a little list. Because I need a top up of loads of stuff. For your 40th, you just want a top up. Just get that anyway and let me just get you something. Get you a little surprise. I don't need anything. Waste. It's a waste. I want a top up. I need cleansers, moisturizers, serums. I need stuff. Eye creams, lotions, tan, lotions and potions.

19:37Rosie Ramsey:Lotions and potions. And you can just do, I'll do you a little list. and the save romance is dead great it's not that romantic last thing about the stag do uh which was very funny so they were staying in the university halls and uh one of them need one of the lads needed an iron there's no irons in the room and he went down to what was you know the makeshift reception or whatever area where you know the main bit and he said do you have an iron and the lady said yes can you um can you have you got any money for a deposit it's like a 20 euro deposit or whatever he's like i haven't got any money have you got a card machine she was like no and he was like well what do I do and she went well you need to leave something that means you're gonna come back and give it back oh my god what did he leave his passport his fucking watch he went will a watch do he had a fucking Breitlin on which is an expensive watch he went will me watch do for a laugh apparently she looked at it intently like one step short of getting a like you know like monocle things that they're looking at I went yeah that'll do kept his fucking couple of thousand pound watch for an iron and he went up and ironed his stuff and came back and swapped it back unbelievable that's mad that's mad unbelievable Unbelievable.

20:39Rosie Ramsey:Wow. All right. Okay. And then one of the lads in the group sent a video of a t-shirt on a thing with his watch in his hand, just rubbing his watch on his top. Okay. That's nice. Bun, bun, bun, bun, bun. Lads, lads, lads, lads. And then I went home a day early because I can't handle it. Lads, legend, legend. Yeah, well. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Starting or growing your own business can be intimidating and lonely at times. Your to-do list may feel endless with new tasks, and lists can easily begin to overrun your life. So finding the right tool that not only helps you out, but simplifies everything as a built-in business partner can be a game changer.

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22:24Rosie Ramsey:Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? Beef, beef, beef. Again, I have, stop that. I have been a delight recently, so I can't imagine there was any beefage, but ladies first. I had a couple of things, and I thought you might have. A couple? Always. You think you're a delight. I haven't even been here. You're not a delight. Come on then. I have got a couple deliberately, because I thought you might have mentioned one of them. Okay. Because I know what you're like. Okay, I'm just having a big sip of water. I hope it's a big water bottle.

22:59Rosie Ramsey:God, do you remember when you used to do that all the time? Do you remember during the podcast you would just take drinks all the time? Listen, keep me whistle wet.

23:11I'm keeping me whistle wet and I'd thank you to back off.

23:16Rosie Ramsey:I love that phrase. What? Wet your whistle? Wet your whistle. Wet your whistle. Lovely, isn't it? I don't say enough. I don't say enough at all. I think it's dying out and I don't want it to let's bring it back let's get out of T-shirt wet your whistle wet me beak I quite like wet me beak as well wet your beak wet your whistle it's a bit old man-y innit it's a bit creepy reminds us of don't want to kill comedy but honestly perverts you broke your finger I have oh you've done something to it you've done something to it at Brazilian Jiu Jitsu yes and it just okay if there was anything if you went to the supermarket and hurt your finger or something like that, if you did anything and hurt your finger, you would be slagging that place off so so much, right?

24:02But you hurt yourself

24:05Rosie Ramsey:at Brazilian Jiu Jitsu you don't mention it. Part of the course made. Stoic. No. Stoic. I just think it's because you know that I literally would be kind of inside I'm thinking why the fuck do you do this? You just keep hurting yourself. So you're playing it down. That's genuinely quite bad. Yeah, it's massive, isn't it? It's really swollen. Let's have a look compared to the other one. Yeah, that's bad. These two here, yeah, they're really fat. Especially the opposite of the ring finger. That's silly. The divorce finger. Oh yeah, great. Can't wait to use that. It was just funny this morning because we were both downstairs and I did this deliberately.

24:38Rosie Ramsey:I don't know whether you noticed. Right. But you were like, oh, can you? Can you do the breakfast? And I was like, what's the matter? So you? I just did it anyway. You did it. And at one point I was like, Should I take over? But I know that you can't slag off your injuries from BJJ. I can't. I can't. So yeah, again, if I was somewhere else and it happened, I'd be suing. I know. But you know, in my defence, I haven't been injured for ages. And it was a total freak accident. No, I was there last week. Yeah, but you're sniffing for that purple belt. Slipping! No, someone's mentioned it to him going, oh, you might be ready.

25:13Rosie Ramsey:And you're literally now. No, they didn't say I might be ready. They just said the wrecking is probably not very long, which was a very nice thing to say. but they might just be saying and keep us going but anyway either just after your money the man is not affiliated in any way who said it and he's a black belt he knows what he's talking about but anyway he might just say to be nice he might just be being nice but anyway listen it was just someone was trying to arm bars and they could try and get their leg over the top of my head and I tried to stop it and I hit me he's got little legs and I hit his shin and it hurt but it was fine so gay listen my beef with you is you can't possibly I've been a delight I've been really trying to be nice and it's related to this I had my finger strapped up last night and you refused to wash my feet.

25:52Oh, Jesus.

25:53Rosie Ramsey:What the fuck? I'm not washing your feet. I'm sorry, no. I'm sorry, no. No. I had been outside in the garden playing football with our son, barefoot, and my feet were dirty and I couldn't wash them because I'd strapped my fingers up, which didn't help at all. And I said, will you wash my feet? And you said no. And your card is marked, mate. Because till death does part, sickness and in health, right? I was an invalid. That was self-inflicted. Doesn't matter Still a sickness You washing You cleaning and wiping My arse and vagina During childbirth Was not self-inflicted In fact you did that Yeah I fucking begged for it man Whatever Don't be disgusting This was self-inflicted And also Like I don't know Just wipe them Get a Dettol wipe A Dettol wipe Get a Dettol wipe on me feet One of the best films ever by the way And I've just watched it for the second time While I was on the Peloton yesterday Sorry?

26:47Rosie Ramsey:Peloton. Steph, what have you done? Oh, your friend says Peloton. Peloton. When I was on the Peloton. Yeah. Peloton yesterday. I watched the Green Book again. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the bloke, who I love, by the way, the Italian bloke, when he gets into bed, it's like the 50s or whatever, and he just wipes his feet before he gets in with his hands, and he's like that. Oh, you love that. But literally a couple of weeks ago on the podcast, someone told you that, Rhys James. Yeah, I know. Told him that I had a little mat next to my bed and I wiped my feet on it. I'm a cunt for doing that, but this guy's lush for doing it.

27:20Rosie Ramsey:He didn't have a little mat on the side of his bed. He just wiped his hands. He wiped his hands on his man. It's quite manly and masculine. I hate it in real life. I just said it was just an observation. Do you see what I live with? Do you see what I live with? Also, I don't want to wash your feet. Your call is marked. If something happened. You are in debit. If something happened, I've been thinking about this recently because I know I joked a few years ago saying I wouldn't look after you. Oh, no. What did I say? Oh, no. I stand by it. No, I would look after you. I would wash your feet. I would wash your willy.

27:47Rosie Ramsey:I'd feed you and do everything. But I would have a boyfriend on the side. That's what I said. Wash your willy. Wash your willy has upset me. I would wash your willy. I'd keep you nice and clean. Nipping. I would. I would. I love you. Until death do us part. I would look after you. But also. You didn't wash my feet last night. Because you went to BJJ and hurt your fingers. Cuddling other men. It's the jealousy. It's the jealousy. I'm not jealous. You're jealous. You're jealous. I'll let you on bars if you want. You can go on bars. I'll show you how I'm doing. You'd be quite good. Why? Because you've got hips.

28:25It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. I love you, public. Public. As always, if you'd like to get in touch, it is shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com for long-form written correspondence. And if you'd like to send a voice note to the WhatsApp, it is 07874. 406650.

28:45Rosie Ramsey:Can't believe people are still sending stuff in. Amazing. I just love it. We love you so much. Thank you. Seven years. Crazy. Seven years. Hey, I can't clap very loud because I've got an injured finger. And dirty feet. Very dirty feet. And that's how we're still going. Yeah. Because we're able to actually be horrible to each other. Yeah. But it's deep rooted from love. We couldn't do this if we didn't love each other, you know. No. There's no way. No. It has to be. Yeah. I know what you mean. I do love you. I can't hold your hand very hard. Oh, God. I can't. Look at how big and fat they are. It's really bad.

29:13Horrible, aren't they?

29:13Rosie Ramsey:I can't feel sorry for you. Try. Try. Try your best. No. If I, again, I know I keep saying it as yoga. If I just went to yoga every other day and came back and couldn't walk to bed off bad hips and shit like that, you wouldn't have any sympathy for me. It would almost be like when you did the full week of the G &S and the G &S concerts and then you were tired for three days and I was so understanding and lovely the whole time. Do you want to go here? How many stag days have you been on this year? How many more trips are you going to have? Fuck off. G &S is part of my trip allowance. Okay. I will start a fight.

29:51Rosie Ramsey:I don't give a shit because I'm going to win. So we've just gone. We know. We've gone from I love you, this is great, we've done this for seven years to I'll start a fight. Well, because fucking I hate being married. Oh, there it is. Because if we weren't married, we could have those kids 70-30 and I could get away more. In your favor. In my favor. You're fucking 50 % of my childhood. No chance. My children. Children. No way. Shut up and do your voice notes, man. All right, okay. Damn you. Hi. Hi. I have just listened to your episode on the 5th of June about the warts and buying the warts off their kids.

30:23Rosie Ramsey:Yes. And I actually, I had to stop and message it, my voice note in. So my son had warts all over his feet, all over his hands. He was about to start school. I was really embarrassed. And also, yeah, it just wasn't great. So we went to the doctors. they treated it a couple times it wouldn't go away they referred us to a specialist we live in Australia so it cost like $600 for the specialist and she literally she went through them she looked at it she said that we had to rebook in for the treatment another whatever amount of dollars hang on if she says that the doctor bought these warts I'm gonna die first of all$600 is insane by the way for a kid's warts they don't have NHS over there do they I don't know how it works.

31:10I think it's a safe thing. Right, well, it'll be private.

31:12Rosie Ramsey:It'll be, like, insurance. That's fucking wild. Go on, then. I think she's going to say that. I think she's going to say that. I swear to God. Right, Howie? I thought it was going to be really expensive. And as my son walked out, she pulled me back and she said, if you just tell him that you are treating the warts, so every night when he goes to bed, you tell him you go to sleep, and then when you're asleep, I'll come in and I'll do the treatment that the lady told me to, then they will go away. And I kid you fucking not. No. We've done it for about six weeks before we started seeing a difference, I would say.

31:47Rosie Ramsey:And within three months, they were all gone. All gone. Both of our sons were going to do. $600 to get that. Fucking ridiculous. It is unbelievable. I know it sounds mental, but it's true. I can't. I'm sorry. I can't. Witchcraft are what? What are what? What are what? This is so weird. That's insane. So many people are saying this. Why are you telling her that? I mean, I'd love to know where this doctor was operating from. I told the witch doctor I wasn't over you. Was it a fucking hut? That's madness. Wow. So do you think it was stress-induced by the kid and you'd tell them that it's all right?

32:23Well, that's the whole... We're saying it's bollocks, right? But placebo effect... I'm not saying it's bollocks. Yeah, yeah, but the placebo effect is a scientific thing. So maybe this whole I'm buying them off you and then, oh, it's gone. And maybe, I don't know. Worry dolls. Or wart stress related? I don't know. Worry dolls is different because worry is not a physical thing. A wart is a physical thing.

32:44Rosie Ramsey:Oh yeah, fair enough. By the way guys, just let you know my veruca is still alive and kicking. It's got a lot better. I want that 10 pence back. I don't think you did put it in my bank. I fucking transferred 10 pence to you. Can I tell you though, it's a lot better than it was but you haven't got a veruca now, have you? Not that I know of. It's getting a lot better. Maybe it was worth, maybe it knows it's worth. It's holding out for a better. Yeah, 10 pence is pathetic actually. Speaking of 10 pence, that was a good segue. Ready? Until you say it was a good... Until there's 30 seconds of silence and then you say that was a good segue.

33:15Hi, Chris and Rosie. So I was just catching up on your most recent episode where Rosie's talking about how much she paid for a packet of polos, and I can beat that. So not polos, it was a Freddo. And obviously we know how much Freddos used to cost back in our day, 10 pence. But they've gone up, like what with the cost of living crisis. My youngest son wanted a Freddo. and I paid£1.10. No. For a fiddle. No. They should be ashamed of themselves. Where?

33:44Rosie Ramsey:No. Where was this? A service station on the fucking moon? What? £1.10? America? What are you talking about? No, they're not£1.10. £1.10 is wild. They're 25. I'm sure they're 25 pence. Oh my God, what have they gone up since then? No, you can get... I'm sorry, you've been done. Wait till Christmas or after Christmas. they're in the selection boxes for like a pound that's wild I won't have that they're not£1.10 Google reckons between 34 pence and 45 pence depending where you buy it which is crazy by the way 10 pence loved a Freddo, do you know what else I loved? more, Taz they're not called Taz why not?

34:30because Taz is not popular anymore Looney Tunes was huge when we were kids Oh, is that what they were named after?

34:35Rosie Ramsey:I thought it was just called a Taz. Like the opposite of the Freddo. But now I think they've turned it just to caramel Freddo. So the Freddo was chocolate and then the Taz was... Caramel. It was Tasmanian Devil. Yeah. It was caramel inside. And now... Brilliant marketing though because I've just called it a Taz for years. Yeah. Yeah. But it was named after the character. I didn't know that. But then Freddo wasn't a Looney Tunes so that doesn't make any sense. This is what I'm trying to say to you. When are you going to... When are you going to... Am I going to get shit for saying Looney Tunes, by the way?

35:04Was it Looney Tunes? Is it Looney Tunes? Tunes is songs. Looney Tunes. I used to call it Looney Tunes, I think.

35:10Rosie Ramsey:Right, okay. I don't know. We are the Animaniacs. That'll do. Love that. It's terrifying, that. £1.10 for Freddo. She's been fucking shafted. I'm sorry, that's silly. Shafted. Was that a situation where you actually get to the counter and just pay? Same what I did with them polos. £1.10. In my head, I was going, are you$400? That's got WH Smith's service station written. I'll allow it that has. that's got corner shop made it up yeah that's got corner shop that's got multi-pack should not be sold separately yes yes yes well done they have what did I buy as well yesterday I was in Jesmond but it was an off license in Jesmond what are you doing spending our money in Jesmond are you mental for anyone who doesn't know Jesmond is a very posh area of Newcastle half student half incredibly posh what are you don't you I was in Jesmond how dare I Who the fuck do you think you are?

36:01Rosie Ramsey:I know, who the fuck do I think I am. So anyway, I got a packet of Mentos and they were a pound. Good God. Fucking pound. Good God. Oh, they're still in the car. Do you know I had to, this is, I've got a problem. Your car's a fucking bin on wheels, by the way. Your car's vile. Your car, I hate your car. I hate you. It's not. Sorry, I love my car. It's not. Anytime I go anywhere in your car, do you know I've got to wheel the wheelie bin up your car, open all the doors. Stop using me car. Stop. Sometimes I do. I hate it. I've got to wheel the wheelie bin up, open all your doors and empty everything in the wheelie bin.

36:33It's disgusting.

36:34Rosie Ramsey:Guys, this is the main beef between us. Because Chris just loves to load it up in his car. His special little fancy car that he doesn't let the kids eat in. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, but if I'm going for a Mac and he's driving, we'll take your car. Yeah, of course, because your car's a bin on wheels. Mine is not. It's not a bin on wheels. I cleaned it the other day. I took it at Asda and I did the Hoover, which was a grim experience, by the way. And ruined a pair of my pants. Right. Just like, you know, the extension, the lead that it's on. Yeah, the scruffy as fuck. Oh, God, that was upsetting.

37:03Rosie Ramsey:Anyway, I took Oliver to his prom. Nice. So... Oh, a nephew, Oliver. Oh, a nephew, Oliver. And I've got a really nice car, but it looks shit. Do you know what? Can we talk about proms? All right. Our kids have got a little while till their prom. Oh, it's going to be helicopters and fucking flying cars by then. You're going to have to drone them in and drop them. Well, last year, when I dropped down, when we went to see Daniel off at his prom, I was like jeez I went to Kate I went to Kate I didn't know like the kids went to school I didn't know the school was like such a rich school because people were dropping them off there was like there was Rolls Royce there was Lamborghinis but the parents were driving them and I'm like where the fuck like who's got a Lamborghini I think they know someone who's got them and they're getting insured for the day or they rent them or they borrow them or whatever yeah they're hiring them crazy and I was just like sorry what yeah it's crazy what yeah mad I don't understand It made my car look like a piece of shit.

37:57And it's, well, it made it look like a bin on wheels that it is. And it is. Yeah. Was one of the footsteps out and one of them not?

38:03Rosie Ramsey:No, I fixed, do you know, it was just dirt. Dirt, yeah, yeah, it was just dirt. Because I took it to the car wash and now the deployable, what they call footsteps. Footsteps, yeah, yeah. Because for a long time, I was, for two months, I was seething. Because you had to climb. Because I've got a big car. Because I love it. Because I've got a little person syndrome. But I was having to like hike myself up on the wheel. oh god to get in like you're washing the roof and I was like I'm paying the monthly bloody payments I'm paying for this and I'm having to hoik myself in like I'm working on a fucking farm and I was like I can't take my nana anyway innit because she couldn't get in so I was like what's the point anyway it's fixed now because I think it was just dirt it was just dirt yeah yeah it was just dirt again been on wheels both inside and out congratulations I think you're not living your life to it's full extent if your car isn't a little bit dirty inside I don't fully trust people it takes two seconds to just clean the inside just take all the cans and fucking Murray mints out of the side compartment and put them in the bin but in my defence right here is out do you know when we'll pick the kids from school or something or if I've been to the supermarket I've got loads to carry I have as well I make a few trips sometimes on a Monday morning if you pick them up on Friday on a Monday morning I've got to go back into your car and get the bags that have sat there all weekend in the back of your car they don't have anything in them that are the need so they can just stay there awful get them out of the car how about you use your car how about that how How about that?

39:23Not if they're getting a drive-thru. They've got fucking no chance. They get a drive-thru in my car. It sits on the knees unopened until we get home.

39:29Rosie Ramsey:Oh, you're horrible. The Dewa McDonald's actually, or some sort of, the Dewa takeaway. Oh, God. It's Friday night. I put them off last week. Listen, all I was saying is, I'm a big factory pig. Me one pound Mentos from Jesmond. I ate half the pack on the way home and I had to open me glove compartment going over the time bridge and I had to throw them in and close the glove. So I couldn't reach and get them. So they're actually, so they're still there. Rosie, why did you crash on the felon bypass? I was trying to get the bed nose back out of the glove compartment. I've got problems. Just everything in excess.

40:05Yesterday I bought some Doritos, big pack of Doritos and I put them in the cupboard and I came downstairs after putting the kids to bed and you went, why have you bought Doritos? I went, don't eat them. You went, no. We had a bowl of Doritos. We ate the full bag. We ate the full. So there it is.

40:17Rosie Ramsey:Full bloody bag. God, they're delicious though, aren't they? Oh, chili heat with Doritos. Forget it. I love crisps. Forget it. Oh, God. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Oh, okay. So, I've got, I've had an email here. Yeah. It's about like Mormon stuff. Cool. But this is the thing, right? I know loads about this because I watch The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, where a lot of Mormons live. Yeah. And also. Salt Lake City. And also Mormon Wives. Yes. TikTok. Yeah. Is that what's called? The Real Lives of Mormon Wives? The Real Lives of Mormon Wives? No, it's not part of the real life.

40:58Rosie Ramsey:I think it's called The Real Lives of Mormon Wives Live. You wouldn't like that one. I don't think I'd like any of them. But carry on. No, you would. You'd love Real Housewives. But the Mormon Wives one is a little... I don't know. I liked it at first, but it's a bit ridiculous. And then the husbands got too involved. And honestly, shut up. Shut. Nobody wants... You shut your mouth. This is Mormon wives, not Mormon husbands. Yeah. honestly and they so it was mum talk that the mormon wives did right mum talk so it was a tiktok where they're just all like mormon women wives so is this the one where he's got loads of wives no no so mormons aren't the ones that have got loads of wives I'm not being ignorant here I just don't know some of them do some of them are polygamists right so they have loads of wives but these don't okay but it's so this is what I'm trying so you don't know anything about this but I know all about this and you're gonna blow your it's gonna blow your mind right fantastic I love learning stuff Yeah.

41:53Rosie Ramsey:I'm writing you from the US, specifically from Salt Lake City, Utah. Also known as the land of the Mormons. Okay. Yes, the polygamist ones. I was actually raised a Mormon, so I think I might have some insider info you'd find interesting. Okay. For context, I'm no longer a Mormon, which will make sense once you read the rest. Right. Right. Firstly, most Mormons are actually not polygamists. Right. So they don't have multiple wives. I get you. These are fundamentalist Mormon groups who continue to practice polygamy in secret. Those are the ones in the Netflix, like the baddies. Those are the no, no, no, no, no.

42:34The baddies, right.

42:35Rosie Ramsey:The Netflix documentaries that I watch, which is mainly just tiddlers who want loads of women. One step short of a cult is what you're saying. Absolutely. Okay. But I'm sure there are Mormons out there who practice polygamy who are fine and it's okay. That's what we're saying. There we go. Covered that. There we are. Just leave it. Anyway, I'll just tell you about this stuff. Yeah. Oh yeah, they don't drink coffee because God told them not to. Why? It's like a religious thing like caffeine's a no-no, coffee's bad. I've heard of that in religions, yeah, yeah. But they do drink caffeinated soda.

43:09Makes no sense.

43:10Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. So in Utah, like on the Mormon wives, there's loads of soda shops so they just drink like shit. They don't drink alcohol do they? They don't drink alcohol. Okay. But they take ketamine. Sorry. They do ketamine to like go in trances and stuff and yeah it's really fucked up so they won't have coffee. That's fucked up. But they'll drink like diet coffee. All of them or just specifically the ones you watch on the telly? Specifically. I don't know about all of everybody. It's mad that. We can't talk about everyone. Oh what are you having there? Shandy. Bad for you that. Get some smack. Like. Behind closed doors things get weirder.

43:45Rosie Ramsey:Mormons believe, as many Christians do, that sex before marriage is sinful. Okay. Despite this, young Mormons across Utah have found a clever way of getting past that particular rule. Oh, God. These young people engage in what is called soaking. Have you heard about this? No. You haven't heard? I knew you hadn't heard about this. Soaking. To properly soak, a young man must insert his penis into his partner's vagina, but he must not thrust. So this is like, they think that this is okay because you're not really having sex. you're not thrusting. Alright? You're just docking. Just docking? Docking?

44:22Rosie Ramsey:That's what it's called. We've talked about this before. No, docking's where you put your dick down the end of someone else's dick. Ah!

44:32You must know that that was the thing.

44:35Rosie Ramsey:Have we talked? We've talked about docking. I think we have, yeah. I think it's in the foreskin. I don't think it's fully down the dick. It's just awful. Just sorry to everyone. Sorry, that came out. So is that part of the gay world? Well, I don't think fucking straight fellas are doing it. No. No, but I've got... Me and Jordan didn't do it in Dublin for a laugh. Well. Past the time. I've got time to football on. I've never heard of them talk about docking. Oh, look, I think it's a really specifically weird thing. Like, you know, like freezing shit and all that. It's one of them ridiculous off-the-wall things.

45:02Rosie Ramsey:I'm going to have to ask all the games about docking. But soaking doesn't make any sense. They shouldn't call it soaking. It should be called, a few of them names, it should be called dipping. Yeah, dip-dap. It should be called parking. I love docking I thought that was a perfect explanation it's already taken it's taken by a much worse one alright parking dipping yeah tasty tasting no just having a little lick like taste like just tasting it no no I think it should be called parking I'm going to call it parking I like that okay but what happens is and I've heard this on many multiple things yeah for some reason it's become a consensus that the thrusting is the part God would object to I have to agree with that because that's where the pleasure comes from there's a bit of violence in it so yeah Yeah.

45:42Rosie Ramsey:Don't ask me why. As you can imagine, this isn't a very satisfying experience for either partner. Fortunately, the creativity doesn't end there. This is when you phone a friend, so to speak. Dutiful Mormon friends, usually young men, will then begin to jump on the couple's bed, allowing their friend to successfully have sex without breaking God's commandment. They call this jump pumping. honestly right couple of things first of all i thought you were going to say he'd basically grab their mate's hips and go like to me to you to me to you which i would have enjoyed a lot more um yeah i just am i impressed with the creativity of that they've found a way to get around it so they lie on them like you know the scene in the in between us where he just lies on top of her so you just and then they bounce on the bed and the other people bounce on the bed yeah and they think that's better than just so a full on they can't they can't have sex because they've been brought up religion I'm sorry they're not they're this is full sex you're having full sex and there's extra people there you're having a fucking orgy it's worse this is worse than just having sex but apparently that's what happens so that's well people will always find a loophole yeah good for them look at the legal system for god's sake I know good for them as long as everyone's consenting and they're just doing a bit of parking.

47:01Rosie Ramsey:Good for them. Parking. I just thought you might find that interesting. I find it so bizarre. See, you would love all of this. No, I like being told that. So there's certain things. I won't watch the full show, but if you tell us the best bits, I'll just take the highlights. I'll take the highlights. Well, I'm hoping. But you already knew about this. Yeah. I've known about this for donkeys. God, great. Heather Gay talked about it on Salt Lake City years ago. Jumping up and down. That's great. Wow. How do you... I don't know how they don't... I don't know how. You must have some serious willpower to not thrust.

47:35To just sit there.

47:36Rosie Ramsey:Oh, my God. Yeah, imagine. Unbelievable. I wonder if they can dry hump. There'll be a lot of dry humping going about. They don't bloody need to, do they? You'll be like a dry hump, but you'll not be like a thrust. You can't move. It's the same. Might as well just park. Might as well just park up. It's called a park up or a drive-by. It's awful, isn't it? Bab-a-do, bab-a-do, bab-a-do, ba. Hi, guys. Hi. Listening to Rosie talking about people asking if she was missing a belt from the dress she sold on Vinted. Yeah. And it reminded me of something similar. I had one of those Phil and Ted's double buggy years ago.

48:09Rosie Ramsey:Phil and Ted's? Phil and Ted's double buggies. Like Amazing Adventures? Phil and Ted. Oh. I've never heard of Phil and Ted. I wonder if it's American. It's kind of tight, doesn't it, finger? Oh, God. Is this a brand? Yeah, Phil and Ted double brand. all right must be oh it's the one where it's like a bunk bed pram where one kid's underneath like not nice i often think the one underneath just like on the concede turn to the side and see the ground whizzing past or look up and just see the back of it it's like they're on the worst ryan air flight ever but in in phil and ted's defense like have you ever tried to push a double buggy around the shop well yeah either two lengthways or wideways yeah you've got no chance It's a nightmare.

48:53Yeah, you're not getting around home bargains with one of them.

48:56Rosie Ramsey:I thought it would be a good idea, but in the end, it was a frigging pillbox of a yoke. Joke? Yoke. I think people say yoke for joke. Oh, God. What? Oh, God. Stop the planet. I want to get off. I've had enough. People are just transposing in words. What are you doing? That's the thing now. When people say, is it a typo or is it a new fucking phrase? Maybe. I've heard of someone saying, like oh what he's a yoke or a woke leo i don't know i don't know i'm not i'm not cool pillbox of a yoke what freaking pox ball oh pox ball of a yoke who we can't talk we're geordies and we say rad stuff all the time like it was a darn tootin like what the hell but this might be like is this brummy I don't know Box ball of a yoke I don't know Anyway Come on then Doesn't matter Used it literally a handful of times Yeah But Sold to family friend Oh well there we go She was fucking chasing me To buy a pump for them wheels As they needed to be pumped up But I never got a pump with it Okay And she hounded me Ended up telling her to fuck off As the pram had originally cost around£800 She got it from me for£100 Go and buy a pump you scabby cow Still grinds my gears 15 years later Wow And that's it Wow.

50:16All of that for that. Yeah. Wow. Because of the belt. I understand. Right.

50:24Rosie Ramsey:She's just upset. Wow. Why can't we hear people's jeans? 800 quid to 100 quid. She's doing all right there. Like, yeah, go buy a fucking pump. She's asking her for the pump. Some people are just... Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. It's just not enough, is it? It's just not enough. Nothing's enough. Mm-hmm. You asked me this morning... Yeah. ...if I'd get you a dog for your 40th. Right. Listen to this. Okay. Can I just say, it's because I go through stages. You're not allowed to buy dogs' presents, by the way. I know. I go through stages. The gardener's dog, Paddy, is just so lush. He comes around and he's just...

50:55Do you know what a day he was looking at us through the glass door at the back. I'd already given him a stroke and stuff, and he was looking at us through the glass door. He's one of the cleverest things I've ever seen. He's looking at us for ages, trying to get my attention. I kind of waved at him, and he sat for ages thinking I was coming to the door, and I walked past the door. He gets down, he takes me flip-flop, and sprints into the middle of the garden with the flip-flop, and turns around and looks at us. so I'll open the door and go give us that back and he's like I get a stroke well you're here I was like

51:17Rosie Ramsey:you clever little fucker yeah clever clever once a week yeah ten times a day yeah still clever I was just like still clever oh listen hello Rosie and Chris long time listener first time emailer my dog Hamish is a dick no need to keep me or my dog Hamish McDick I love that because he deserves to be shamed great Hamish is a cross between a standard poodle the big ones yeah And a flat-coated retriever. Right. Okay. So he's a golden doodle. Pretty much. Right. Two working breeds, which should make him clever, but really just make him a high-energy arsehole. Way brilliant. I'm writing this email because you have both spoken a lot about potentially getting a dog, but I'm here to provide some harsh reality.

52:03Rosie Ramsey:Okay. This is what you need to hear. Okay. All right. Hamish is known in our vets as a scavenger. he has had two stomach surgeries and been forced to throw up ones due to the idiotic things he has eaten oh no first was a whole chicken carcass they can't have I know so he could eat it raw yeah but they can't have it once the bones are being cooked because they go brittle and they get the shards in them left on the kitchen counter after a roast dinner that I love a chicken carcass yeah so you know it would be you'd be fighting you and the dog yeah growling at each other for it that came up the way it went down so he vomited that up good lord good boy second was a lamb kofta skewer the skewer the skewer this was at a barbecue and the skewer was six inches long and was cut out of him oh just I leave loads of shit around you do headphones imagine how many headphones our dog would eat oh my god airpods um it was still in one piece third was a corn on the cob the middle isn't digestible and it was wedged in his digestive tract dickhead I think he's just a greedy dog.

53:11Yeah. Like, you know, and some of them... They don't give a fuck, man. Some of them are just like... They will just eat until they die. Yeah, I know. They don't care.

53:18Rosie Ramsey:Nat, we... Oh, a dog would be so fat. No, no. It's abuse. You can't... You've got to have an athletic dog. You can't have a big, fat dog or you're not doing your job. It's not cool. You can't outrun a bad diet. I would feed that little motherfucker. Yeah. It'd be horrible. Oh, God. He loves chili heatwave Doritos. Rosie's literally being sick. He's being sick now.

53:42Rosie Ramsey:Now for the worst thing he has done. That's not there, not the worst. Oh, God. He likes to roll in things. Oh, no. Now you're thinking shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which has to be, which has been, oh, my God, yeah. Often rolling fox shit. Fox and cat shit. Yeah. Me made see that dog, Ronnie. I'll never forget. Ronnie. Oh, he was lush, like. He was the same as Paddy. Same as Paddy. He rolled in fox shit. And he came back to her house. And obviously, I've never had a dog. And I was like, what the fuck is that it didn't come it didn't come out of course not didn't come out of the smell for days horrendous disgusting wow disgusting I can still you know when you're like I can smell it it's left such a that's an impression recently this is what he's been rolling in it was a dead bird yes you read that correctly a rotting bird corpse which he shimmied his whole body along while out playing on a local field why would you do that yeah she says i can hear chris retching from i am because it's like i get this if you want a dog this is what you got this is the crack why do the i'll be really interested to know why the rolling shit why do the rolling stuff is it like uh you can't get rid of it is it to get rid of it almost like wiping it up like a yeah that's what i'm saying to like wipe it up and then oh my i know i'm here get rid of that now i honestly don't know let me know someone will email him Horrible.

55:03Rosie Ramsey:A few years back, we went to... But this is what will really upset you. No, worse than the bird. A few years back, we went to Norfolk for my partner's nanny's funeral. We were walking along the beach with my partner and his parents. Suddenly, Hamish disappeared out of sight. We followed him... He's obviously an absolute nightmare. We followed him and found him rolling along the sand. Assuming it would just be shit, we didn't panic too much until we got closer. Hamish was rolling in... It's a mystery, mysteries, mysteries. Oh, I was going to say, can I guess I know what it is? It's not the dead nana.

55:40Fucking hell. Well, that's what they do in Norfolk. They just take her on the beach. Take her on the beach and just let her lie there. Let the tide come and take her. It's what you would have wanted.

55:47Rosie Ramsey:It's what the country folk do. It's not the dead nana. No, I think I know what it is. I think I know what it is because I think I know sometimes they wash up on the beach around here and it's disgusting. Jellyfish. No. Oh, it's not. No. Come on then. A dead seal pup.

56:04that that that that has upset me so much

56:11Rosie Ramsey:what are you more upset about the dead seal or the lack of respect from the dog everything the pup the dead seal pup's upset us this dog's a fucking psycho what's that dead are you fucking get a bit of that will you oh god dog's a fucking lunatic I swear my mother-in-law was ready to throw him in the sea and leave him there. He looked so proud of himself. What the hell, man? Do you still want a dog? No. Right. That's the thing. So before you get a dog, ask yourself how many animal corpse smells you are willing to wash off your dog. All the best. Oh, nah. Again, I will never forget Nick Grimshaw when he had his dog, Pig.

56:52Oh, yeah. The dog was called Pig. Yeah. I don't know if he's still got that dog. Lush dog. Lovely dog. Hyper as fuck. But I remember we were in a dressing room and he was like, oh, yeah, fuck it. he was like he said he's like the thing about kids it was genius he was like the thing about kids he was like he pointed to the dog he went that fucker will never be able to make me a cup of tea and I was like that's so fucking bang on like Robin could possibly if I taught him how to do a coffee he could possibly make us a coffee he could definitely go to the fridge and get us a beer by the way

57:16Rosie Ramsey:Robin is a lazy little shit and he needs to start doing stuff by himself because he's getting older now and like he loves a bit of ma 'am get us a drink ma 'am do this and I'm I'm okay I'm not gonna do it anymore I can't shake your hand I've got another one we're not going to do it anymore okay he needs to start getting his own stuff he's 10 now okay right yeah are you going to be on board with that and when he rolls when he rolls in them animal carcasses we'll just hose him off in the garden all right he's gone no more coming in the house and using the bath he's gone fuck off we need to have a word with the kids that the slip and slide on a night time is not a real like wash yeah this is getting upsetting because because the weather's nice they've been on the slip and slides every night so three days passed and they were like we're bead washed and I was keeping because they're like we're on the cold water on the slip and slide and there's fairy liquid on this is a bath it's not a bath I mean listen it's not a bath did I aw what did you do did I the other night get a flannel in the paddling pool and get some of the water from the slip and slide and rub their crotches and backsides did I maybe I did this is fucking disgusting you're vile you wouldn't be arsed if a dog was rolling you would just let it dog would roll in we'd have a dog rolling carcasses and that.

58:29You've got to let him on the sofa. He's all right.

58:31Rosie Ramsey:No, I've... No, I've... Are you joking? My nose? My nose? You honestly think... With my nose? Oh! I thought you'd named the dog.

58:46My nose, come... My nose. I thought you'd already named the dog. Matt, you think I'm letting my nose run? That was so weird. I was so confused. God bloody, my pride and joy. Little my nose. You think I'm letting, you think I'm letting him roll on the stuff?

59:04Rosie Ramsey:Hey, say it enough, it's happening. My nose, my nose, Ramsey. No, I forgot with. I need to say with. With my nose. With my nose, right. Oh, I think I'm a fucking, I've got a headache off that. That was so confusing. It's all right. I hated every second of that. Oh, I've got all hot. I've got a really good sense of smell. like we're getting we're getting the sofas clean on Thursday because I can't one of the sofas smells so bad I can't sit on it it's disgusting and when that room heats up and you've got that door it's just so bad but that's been the like kids sitting bare arses after their baths eating cereal sofa for a long time that'll mainly be snot shit and milk it'll be oh yeah man it's kids cocks it'll be snot shit and milk that's what it'll be it's disgusting it's vile yeah it is mostly little little dirty bodies.

59:56And that's the thing though. Add a little minos on there as well. It's going to be dog feet and dog arse as well.

1:00:00Rosie Ramsey:Minos, come here. Minos. Minos, minos. It sounds like exotic. Sounds a bit like Milo. It does sound a bit like Milo, but my nose. Freaked us out hugely. Didn't know what was going on. Sorry about that. Well done. You're welcome.

1:00:16Rosie Ramsey:Thank you, as always, for listening to this week's episode of Shark Man and Noir Windu. Thank you very much indeed. We'll be back in the years next week. Please continue to like, rate and subscribe. and if you want to send anything in it's shagmarriedannoyed at gmail.com and I don't know the number off by heart yet and I can't be asked to be joking from your phone but it's earlier on in the podcast and it's on your little podcast list and chrisramseycomedy.com I knew I was going to remind you but you're doing it while we're on it because the tour starts in September very very excited to get back on the road so I hope we'll see you all then cheers bye