April Fool's, School Trauma and Chris's Unfortunate Lookalike

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19:52um so one of the reasons i've got the cap on today um it's just because i've been all over the place doing so much ads so i was on tour for the full week i do but i was on tour for the full week. I love it. I just live in a cap. I do live in a cap. I think this is, since we've filmed it, this is the first time I've done a cap. Again, apologies if you're watching. Don't get used to it because it does look stupid. A bit of an arsehole. Apologies if you're watching and you think I look like an arsehole. There's nothing I can do about it now. We've started. I'm not taking it off because my hair's a big flat pancake underneath.

20:17Rosie Ramsey:No, take it off and let them have a look. No, I can't. Come on, let everyone have a little look. Oh, my. Look at the fucking, look at that. Oh, my God. You look like Hitler. Wow. Has anyone ever dissed anyone more in their life. I'm sorry, but you do look like Hitler. That's his hairstyle. That's the worst thing. You look like a brown, greying Hitler. What? There's me. There's me. Here's a question. There's me thinking that couldn't go worse. Are you greying in there as well? Right, okay. Here's a question, right? Right. Hitler, very bad man. Okay? Awful. Probably the worst. Is this the beginning of that history degree you did?

20:54Is this the beginning

20:55Rosie Ramsey:of the dissertation you did? I want to talk about life, right? sometimes you think, can I use Hitler as a reference because he was so horrendous? Yeah. But I'm only saying that you look like him. But is that allowed? Genuine question. Sorry, as the person who's just been told he looks like, a greying Hitler, which was lovely. Yes, I do believe... Isn't it weird though? Because you go, am I allowed to mention him? So there's a weird thing with... There's two schools of thought here. We're not from a minority, or not even a minority, we're not from a social group that he victimized and murdered on mass, right?

21:40I used to, before I was brown and green, I used to be blonde-haired, so he'd have fucking loved me. But also, just by saying his name, some people wrongly think, A, you're celebrating, B, you're endorsing, or C, you're making light of everything you did. You're not. You're just seeing my hair look. Which, really irritatingly, it did look like that. It did. Which is well upsetting. It was slick. If anything, it'll drive people to the YouTube. You've done a really good thing. Have I? Yeah, for anyone who's upset. You've driven. We'll have that plaque, that 100 ,000 plaque. Oh, my.

22:12Rosie Ramsey:Well, maybe that's why I did it. So people could see. Yeah. Go and have a look. I just think sometimes, yeah, offense and things in comedy, and, you know, it's like. I'm only asking you this because we are on this platform, and we talk and we have conversations and sometimes I'm just a bit like, I sometimes don't know what to say. But then again, I do also believe that everyone who's ever been cancelled didn't know they were going to be cancelled when they said the thing that cancelled them. So also, tiptoe and be careful. I don't know. I think people... I think you just mentioned it. He was a historical figure.

22:44He was a historical figure. So, you know, you could say I look like Genghis Khan.

22:47Rosie Ramsey:Mm-hmm. Murdered a lot more people than Hitler. A lot more. Anyway. But also can we just commend Rosie everyone on the incredible, incredibly succinct and educated highbrow summary. Hitler very bad man. I think. What a bad guy. Hitler very bad man. I think, again, that masters you've got in history is paying off. Don't, because that's a real bone of contention with me. What was history? History E. A A Even when you wrote Even when you wrote At the top of the test Hit that very bad man You still got an E That's at least a D A As if I got an E For history Like E And I was in the good set Right Not the top But the good I was in the Can you believe Right This is something No no no stop No You wrote in top set What set were you in Just like Right well this is A horrendous thing I made me friends Were talking about this recently And I actually don't know If this school That I used to go to still has this.

23:53Rosie Ramsey:But when I went to school, you were either in the Uppas or the Loas. Loas, that's good for morale, isn't it? That's really good for a kids' conference, that. That's brilliant. It's actually horrendous. Yeah. Like, how bad is that? Uppas, Uppas, this way to the boys and girls' toilets. Loas, just shit in that ditch. Loas, just go shit in that ditch over there, please. Piss on each other's backs. Gosh, it's awful. It's really not good. It's really bad when you think about it. It's really bad. So you are either in like, so there was Tyne, Weir, something else. What would be the other one? God, I forgot.

24:29Rosie Ramsey:Tease? No. Up at Tyne, up at Weir, up at Derwent. Ah, okay. Rivers? Just threw that one in. It's Rivers. I don't know what Derwent's come from. Well, okay. Derwent, Weir. Where's that? Derwent. River? Is it Rowley or somewhere? I don't fucking know. Brilliant. So anyway. Geography. Ian geography as well. Yeah. Up at Tyne, up at Weir, up at Derwent. And then it was like, lower Tyne. Have I ever told you? So when I went into year 10, year 11, we did what options and that. And you could tick a box. I'm sure I've said this before, but I'm going to say it again just to brag. You could tick a box that said extended, which meant you did two extra hours of classes each week.

25:04Obviously, I didn't tick extended. Loads of people didn't tick extended. And a load of people got pulled out of class one day and took to the hall. And we all had to stand in the hall. It was only about 15, 16. We had to stand in the hall and wait for the headmaster I was going to come out, the head of the year was going to come and speak to me about something. And we're all standing there going, what do you think they're going to do? What are you going to say? And I said, for a joke, oh, we're all so clever, he's going to beg what it be in extended. It's exactly what he had. It's exactly what he came and did.

25:29Rosie Ramsey:Asked you to do extended. Came and said, look, use, I mean, I now know that. It's because they didn't have enough numbers to justify it. Do you know what? I think that might happen to me. Oh, really? Yeah, extended lower. Extended lower. They said, will you do the classes in this basement? I was literally, I must have been the bottom of the up as. like i was just like i was teetering into that lower bottom of the uppers i swear to god started from the bottom of the uppers now we're here started from the bottom of the uppers now my whole team fucking here it's really bad though it was actually a real sort of social i don't ask me brother i think my brother's really triggered by it because my brother was in lowers um and all of his mates were in uppers so they were in completely different classes and they kind of had to see each other in the yard.

26:15Rosie Ramsey:But yeah, he was in Lois. And honestly, I don't want to bring it up to him. I think he's actually got a bit of trauma from it. I think, really? I think it was not a good move. Any teachers out there, email in, let them know, how do they soften the blow of letting children know that they're in the bottom, bottom, bottom classes these days? I don't think they would do that now. Lois is so on the nose. I know. So on the nose. Like, do you know what I mean? oh we're just going to separate you into the clevers and the fools. You're in fools. You're in lower fool. Like come on. I should have been in lower.

26:52Rosie Ramsey:I still remember. Do you know what I mean? You know you forget so many things from your childhood. But I have the memory right of my mom and dad going to chat to my maths teacher Mrs. Gibson and her telling them that I might just get ungraded in my maths. Like she predicted that I would get ungraded. and I still remember the conversation so vividly. Oh. It was awful. Like me mum and dad were meant about it to be fair. They were literally like, so fuck. Wow. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I didn't, obviously I didn't get wrong or anything like that, but I just remember it so vividly. So I would not have coped with being in Lois because that proper...

27:30Rosie Ramsey:But you were in Lois? I wasn't. I was in the up-as. Were you? Oh, right. I thought you were saying you were in Lois. No, I was in up-as. Just bite of his. So you remember the entire conversation about your maths teacher. I can see it. I can literally, we're in the maths class. If only during that conversation she started just randomly throwing in some times tables, you'd have remembered them as well. Yeah, possibly. You know, if she was just like, look, I think Rosie's going to do so badly

28:03that the, square on the high pot news is equal to some of the squares on their two sides, that she is going to get ungraded here.

28:10Rosie Ramsey:ungraded well what did I say in the middle there square hypotenuse did you something about that squared n n what's the n what is the n n times equals what the fuck n times equals no just I remember it on the board thing and this is gobbledygook y x n never a b c just the end of the alphabet fucking ridiculous that's such a good point it's stupid stupid because someone like you doesn't know anything about it y and x that adds even more anxiety to it because it's the it's the weird letters that you never use it's wow horrible i think that's why they picked them because it was a weird ones that you never use but yeah why next the lines on a graph in it so yeah listen jokes on them ask us what i got what'd you get i got a d ah so i did get a grade mrs gibson see mrs gibson she didn't get ungraded she got a grade a terrible one but a grade D D for delicious D for dick D for dunce dunce yeah so you're in uppers and you're in dunce can you put these hats on please can you just put these hats on no I was honestly the chuffness of my mum and dad when I got that D I swear to god they were like you didn't get an ungraded you got a D that's amazing isn't it Imlo Imlo zero expectations coming with a D they're fucking and they get the champagne out.

29:39Rosie Ramsey:It was a good day. But then South Tyneside College ripped my heart in two. Because I went in that little queue. I remember this as well. Went in the queue for what do you want to do? What would you like to do here? Sorry, we've talked about this before, but just as an update. So I was in the same block, G block in college. I was upstairs doing A levels. You were downstairs in, again, the basement. I remember walking. Sometimes I had to walk through that corridor if the back door, if the top stairs were blocked, I'd have to walk through that corridor past you and all the people resetting your GCCs.

30:09You must have been the only person in the queue for that class who wasn't holding a moped helmet. Just lads. It's just lads on the moped. All of them standing with them. I'm like, I'm going to walk past you going,

30:21Rosie Ramsey:where the fuck are all these mopeds for? It was a horrible class. It was a horrible experience. Do you want to come back and do the thing that you fucking hated your whole life? You know that thing you've been shut up for five years. Do you want to come to another place and do it with adults? Yeah, it was hot. I hated that class I hated it but no that's what happened you've shit on me thing but I had to go and stand in the queue and I was like college yes get me out of school and then they were like what do you want to do I was like I would love to do like theatres like I wanted to do theatre studies English literature and then I ended up doing so I did theatre studies English literature and then what else did I do sociology which was a crock of fucking shit but then the guy the horrible man said well you can't do any of these things unless you've received your maths GCSE.

31:08Pointless. Why? And I was like, well, what? For theatre studies. What am I doing? What? Counting the fucking chairs in the theatre? It's bullshit.

31:12Rosie Ramsey:Apparently it's even worse now. Really? Oh, apparently they're really strict now. Like you can't even get a job without your GCSEs. Fuck off. Bullshit. Well, you know. So I still don't have a maths GCSE. I'm not condoning it, but how do they check? How do they check? How do they check? I got in English. In English, I got A star in English, A star in maths, A star in statistics. Yeah, no, I made mine up for years. Yeah, I'm just making that up. I didn't get that. I didn't get that at all. Yeah. It's fucking... What are you going to do? There's that much fucking data protection now. You kind of check.

31:44Rosie Ramsey:I don't say anything though because I once said on my Instagram who gives a shit about GCSEs and I got... Well, yeah, because that's... I got the GCSE police who probably were all in the uppers on my back. Oh, they definitely didn't get D's in maths. Oh, no. They love their GCSEs. Sorry, GCSE police. Oh, that could be... Yeah, after this, we'll get a treatment written down. CBB's will have that CBBC what little sick little kids sick come to GCSE please GCSE please GCSE please oh god it'll be all the ex-head girls and head boys you're not revising woo woo get in the lowers yeah get you right in the lowers that's it that can be the catchphrase we'll get you right we'll get you right in the lowers yeah is that casualty you have a bill I don't want to anyway good chat good chat good chat I feel old tell everyone what you got on maths again GCSE I got a D what do you get in history A.

32:36Right, we've decided that we're going to ring Kev and ask him if he's upset. I'm against this, can I just say, but Rosie wants to ring Kev and ask him if he's got trauma from being in the Lois.

32:45Rosie Ramsey:I haven't actually spoken to him for a week. I want to see if he's got trauma from being in the Lois. Right, okay.

32:53Hello?

32:54Rosie Ramsey:Hello, you okay? Yeah, yeah, you? Yeah, yeah, fine. I'm just giving you a quick little call. Sorry, are you busy? No, no, just driving, I'm full over. Alright, we're just doing the podcast, Kev. I just wanted to catch up. Yeah, we... Alright, we're fine. Kev, we're just talking, right? Do you remember school? Remember school? Yeah? Do you know how it was like the uppers and the lowers? No, I was in the lower. See? We're just talking about how awful it was that it was called, the lowers? They don't do it anymore. They don't do it anymore. Okay, that's good though. I was in the bottom of the bottom, I'd keep your seat for a bunch but it's eh, terrible.

33:35Rosie Ramsey:I know. Do you feel like you've got any trauma from that? Are you okay? Aye, why aye, I've ruined it. I don't like the teacher, I have a special need teacher actually so, nah, you're having tops and downs I guess but aye, they're not nice. Oh Kev man, why did you say you were laughing? I'm sorry you shouldn't be laughing. Oh hell, it's not. It ruined us. I'm a bit German, but sure. Kev, did it make you a stronger person? I kind of thought that it was tough. Exactly babe, and look, you're a successful plasterer, and you're doing amazing, and I love you at the bit.

34:26Where are you working the day? I've been in Gosford.

34:30Rosie Ramsey:Oh, la-dee-da. I do all the posh Gosford. I know you do. Because you might not have your GCSEs but you've got a bit of class. Yeah.

34:46Rosie Ramsey:Right, Kev, I love you to death. I'm going to finish work at like three o 'clock and all them clever people are still little things.

34:57Suckers! You've got a lot laughing at me. Get in. Get in. All right, okay, I'll speak to you soon.

35:04Rosie Ramsey:See you, Kev, guys. Bye. Bye, love you, bye. I'll finish work at three o 'clock and all them clever people are working until five so I get the last laugh. Oh, great work. Just great. That was so funny. He's fucking... Ah, you ruined us. Ah, you ruined us. What's that? I wasn't... I wasn't... No, and... Well, that's why I rang him because genuinely I know how much it affected him. Yeah. And it was really bad. Yeah, it's a lot of that. Anyway, we shouldn't... Fuck me. We shouldn't have laughed but that was just... The way he said it. I thought he was going to be like... No, I'm fine. Are you? Ruined us?

35:41Rosie Ramsey:He's so funny. I swear to God. He's so funny. And he doesn't even... He doesn't even... He doesn't even realise. He doesn't even realise. Oh, you see? Nah, it means fuck all. Exactly. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. I'm going to go first. Oh, you know. I am. My beef with you is you keep being incredibly hard on yourself for how you look. and you're absolutely fucking beautiful and you need to stop it right now. You're beautiful. Where's this come from? I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. You're absolutely drop-dead gorgeous.

36:20I love you. You love me life. You're beautiful. Stop it. Chris Ramsey would not be married to a minger. I just need to tell you that right now. That's the main thing we need to take from this, right? It was about you, not about me. Would not be married to a minger. So don't. Stop it. Just stop it. Don't stop it, man.

36:37Rosie Ramsey:Why are you bringing this up for? Because you're beautiful and I love you. I'm just having one of them. I wanted to say it on the podcast. I know people have said, you know, in the past we should say nice things about each other. There you go. Did I wrap it in a bit of arrogance about myself? Yes. Did I put it in the beef section? Yes. Because I'm not just going outwardly and just do compliments for no reason. Like it's fucking love action. I'm standing at your front door with a load of cards with stuff written on. But there we go. I think, do you know what it is, Chris? Excuse me. I'm so sorry.

37:00It's just... Still thinking beautiful. There we go. Just burping. Still thinking beautiful. Burping away. Just burping. Turn it away, burping. Still beautiful.

37:05Rosie Ramsey:Still beautiful. Thanks. I did cover my mouth like a delicate little princess. No, it's just, it's because I've got to look at myself all the time. I'm sick of looking at my face. And I just think if I... Well, I'm not. But if I had a normal life... I'll never get sick of looking at your face. In normal life, right? Yeah. You kind of only get self-conscious when it's like a wedding or like a night out. And you're like, oh God, like this dress doesn't fit. I feel like I've got that just all the time. So it's just a bit much. I put a bit of weight on, which is fine. I've just been eating too much.

37:33Rosie Ramsey:But it's fine. Easter eggs are back in the shops. Oh, mate, I can't fucking stop. I can't stop. Yeah. This is my, this time of year is my kryptonite. Yeah. Worse than Christmas, isn't it? Yeah, we are. Much worse than Christmas. Christmas, I'm actually all right. The kids have got so many as well already. Someone shouted at the person who gave us some at Leicester. That was really nice. Someone gave us some at Leicester. Very nice. I was at the bank today and they gave Rafe one at the bank. I was like, do you want to take one from Robin as well? I went, no. He didn't come. You can't. If you come out with this, you can.

37:59Rosie Ramsey:No, because you know it's just going to go into my mouth. that's really sweet of you thank you and I love you and I know you do and I know you think that I look nice and stuff and that's you know but try and remember it what about everyone no I'm joking no I just feel like a bit of a clip but I think it's hormones hormones life everything you've never mentioned having hormones I can't be I can't be it my hormones I can't be it yeah you'll be telling you've got a period next which I've never heard about great great my beef with you yes is you not right I know you're trying to be nice but it's infuriating so we got back from the we got the train station yesterday we had loads of big bags and we had our lovely driver who often drives us around Mark because by the way we can't fit our car at the train station car park yeah sort that out Newcastle train station what are you doing like it's 2026 cars are much bigger nowadays right you need to extend the car it's ridiculous you can't park a car so we just can't take cars i've got to climb out the fucking boot in that place it's insanity right it's people who use the train a lot it would be lovely if we could park a car there but we can't then we're talking about the mini we've got a mini we can't fit it in the spaces that's by the by that's my beef with newcastle train station anyway it's not fine and people are going over the lines that's all i'm saying the spaces aren't big enough but people go over the lines there's people you know people in like they just put their wheel over that and then you go, okay, so everything's knackered now.

39:28Rosie Ramsey:I know, but what you've got to remember is that those car parking spaces, right? Like a lot of places in the UK. Do you remember Mr. Bean's car? They haven't been changed since then. It was also a Mini, but yes. Okay. Right, well, just, you know, the little cars. I don't know, I probably just have like four escorts and that. They were like narrow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tiny. Now everyone's got fucking Range Rover revokes and massive cars. Big fucking Audis and cash guys and that. Yeah, cash guys and that, yeah. So anyway, right. Right. So we had all the cases and you went and took them to the car and I went, I'm just going to nip.

39:56Rosie Ramsey:I didn't have any bags, nothing to carry. I went, I'm just going to nip the marxies to get a couple of bits of shopping to take home. Yeah. Right? Yeah. You came back. Yeah. And you went, I've come to give you a hand. Yeah. You don't give us a hand. Yeah. You just take over. So one, I didn't. I held the basket for you and you filled up the basket. And then you took it to the cash point, to the checkout and you just did it all. So then I'm stood there, totally redundant, Thinking, I didn't need help. I didn't need or want your help. Okay. You just come and take over. You can't pack a carrier bag.

40:36You can't pack the shopping. It's got a fuck all to do with you, how I pack a carrier bag. It does, because I've got to eat that bread. You put the bread at the bottom, you squish it. I do not put bread at the bottom.

40:42Rosie Ramsey:Guys, guys. She squishes it. I do not put bread at the bottom. Get your finger out of my shot. Your finger is in my camera. I do not put bread at the bottom of a bag. I know how to pack a bag. bread and eggs and croissants go on the top eggs go on the top eggs go on the top you can put them in the middle really depends what you're putting on you don't have some packing around them no it was really passive it was just helping you doing the shopping you took over you just took over you just took over and did the whole thing so I was just stood there thinking what you just took it off and took over okay I apologise I'll just let you do it yourself next time yes please thank you mad the stuff I get in trouble for it's actually mad we live in opposite land We live in opposite land.

41:22We're a different people on Precious. Well, okay. Okay, no, I'll tell you what. You let me pack all our chocolate and you didn't.

41:25Rosie Ramsey:No, no, let's split up and go and marry some useless fucking wench who just loves getting shit done for her. I don't like the word useless, but I am intrigued by the word wench. Go and marry some useless wench. Very intrigued by wench. From what I've seen at Game of Thrones and things, wenches are always up for it. Well, no, because wench is the wrong word because the word wench wouldn't be useless. Always up for it. But no, just, I just like, I don't need your help doing the shopping alright I'm not a damsel in distress okay okay go and marry a damsel and they can rescue her all the time I don't like damsel go and marry one of them girls oh I just can't oh it's too heavy oh I just can't you please I can't you pack it's not me it's just not me you got on me nerves I was like I'm just stood here now doing nothing great Great.

42:19Rosie Ramsey:But why didn't you stay at the car? She came to help you. You're in a train station. People are dicks, man. There's dicks kicking around, man. So this is where it goes to. Chris constantly thinks that I'm going to just get killed. I think you're going to get attacked and killed. And I feel like you need a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu blue belt with you at all times to close personal protection. And to make sure you don't put the bread right at the bottom of the bag. It's a two-pronged attack I was on. It's a two-pronged attack. It's one, personal safety for my wife. to personal safety foamy bread. Right.

42:48Two most important things in my life. Bread. Me wife.

42:56And I did say bread first.

42:58Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, yeah, I know. I know. Oh, God. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba! Not sure how to tackle your taxes? Are you sweating the small print? You may be experiencing FOMO, the fear of messing up. The answer? using TurboTax on Intuit Credit Karma. They help you get your biggest refund and then we help you do more with it with a personalized plan designed to help you hit your money goals. It's time to take your taxes to the max. Start filing today in the Credit Karma app. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public, public, public, public, public, public. As always, if you'd like to get in touch, it's shagmaryannoyed at gmail.com or if you want to send a voice note, the number is 07874 406650.

43:49Both of those things are on the podcast page.

43:52Rosie Ramsey:Well done. Okay. All from women, by the way. Voice notes, yeah? No, men, is voice notes not a thing with men? I don't know. Do you and your friends send voice notes? Again, on my WhatsApp, the tag on my WhatsApp is keep your voice notes under a minute, you fucking monsters. Because people, when someone sends me a voice note and it's more than a minute, it's like they've sent us an episode of their own podcast. Get out of my inbox, you fucking prick. I love a voice note, me. Nah, hate them. I think women, like, the first person I ever saw doing voice notes to that extent was Vicky Patterson. Vicky Patterson was the first person I ever saw doing them, like, big style.

44:35And I remember sitting behind her in a car and I was like, oh, someone's got to listen to all of that, Vicky. Like, what? Do you know what I mean? Like, loads of information. I need a bit of copy-paste. I need a bit. I can't like... Because then you go, oh, he's invited us. A mate of mine sent him on the other day. Oh, he's invited us on a golf day, a charity golf day. I've listened to it. Oh, yeah. All right, what was the date again? I've got to go back through his voice note. Like, fuck, what are you doing, man?

44:56Rosie Ramsey:And I just forget. If I listen to it and don't reply straight away, it's... Exactly. I find them to be... In the past. They're attempting to be more personal, but they're actually awkward, and I don't like them. I do not like a voice note, and I think most men feel the same. apart from again my mate who sends really long ones and stop it it's really irritating well you ready hi rosie and chris uh long time listener here as rosie is currently in her pilates girl era i thought she might enjoy this ick so i went to yoga the other day and a man turned up that's not the end of the egg a man turned up nice in jeans jeans to yoga like how are you gonna move i just it blew my mind that's horrible that he thought i'm going to yoga i'm just gonna put my jeans on ew honestly disgusting that's that's that's psychotic i hate that i told you i've said before when me and me mates when we're like 15 16 leaving school we all started I'd like, you know, go into like, that was when like the gym would let you in.

46:04You could go to like Body Wise, the Saturday morning gym where kids were allowed in for two hours. And we used to go jogging down the beach and two of my mates used to turn up in jeans.

46:14Rosie Ramsey:So weird. Because we were a bit skater boyish, but obviously I still had track your pants and trainers because I just did. But yeah, they would, skateboarding shoes like DCs or Vans, jeans and a t-shirt. I'll. Run along the fucking beach in jeans. It's easy at the running jeans than it is to do yoga. Still owe you. God, bend it. You're going to get some serious, yeah, serious chaffage in the middle of your legs like running in jeans is a nightmare Good morning team I'm currently sitting in the bath eating some birthday cake because it was my birthday yesterday happy birthday to me and it made me think of an ick please picture this if you will when a man has to use more than one breath to blow out his birthday candles

47:04Rosie Ramsey:I swear to God I think I think we're haters I think we're haters like let the men let the men have two breaths I get it oh my god I get it oh Jesus it's just that That's bad, though. That's bad. Oh, that's wonderful. I love that so much. Well, don't let you scare away with no doubt. Yeah. How many candles have you got if you're using two breaths? What are you doing? That's madness. Just half, half.

47:44Happy birthday. Go on. Happy birthday, Graham. Go on, brother. Oh, I took them to. Fuck yeah. Job. I take it back. Not happy birthday. Yeah, we're going. Cancel the party. We're leaving. What a fucking jerk.

47:56Rosie Ramsey:You're not getting your birthday shagged the night. Yeah, your birthday blowjob just got relegated to a birthday handjob. Oh. I'll just put it out there. I don't want a handjob off anyone who's not me. Nah. Oh. Just putting it out there. This is new information. Yeah, I just think like handjob. Could have told me this. Sorry, Rosie. You're going to go stroke for stroke with the professional, are you? Yeah, I agree. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm glad you've said it. I wish everyone, okay. He's pointed in the wrong direction and that. He's like, ah, nah. Hey, look, give it to you. Okay, all right. You heard it from the pig's mouth.

48:37Rosie Ramsey:They don't actually, girls, they don't like them. Not a handjob. We can do it ourselves. Anything above that, absolutely. Yes, please. We can't believe we'll look. Of course. I bet men give good handjobs. Yeah, good point. Still not enough to turn us, but good try. oh go on go on go on go on go on would you have a cup of tea go on will you not have a glass of the ballics will you not have a little handjob father father he definitely would yes lasses we all know now they don't actually like handjobs let's not bother give it to you give it to you I'll do it I'll do it properly super quick voice note I've had an ick I saw like I've been listening to you guys since I was probably under the age than I should have been.

49:26But I basically became single again very recently. And I started seeing someone. And by the way, the dating scene, horrific. Don't do it. I hope you can stay together forever. Mainly because a lot of admin. Anyway. And I have a cat. And I had a man come over who was really obsessed with cats. And the biggest ick was watching him. You know how there's the classic ick of chasing a ping pong ball? He was chasing my cat in that position going, Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty. Here kitty, kitty, kitty. In a really high-pitched voice, I still had to have sex with him. You didn't.

50:00Rosie Ramsey:You did not have to have sex with him. You still had to have sex with him. He brought the voucher. He had the voucher. It had been stamped. I had to fulfil the sex. Guys, I haven't said this for ages. You don't have to have sex with anybody who you don't want to have sex with. And we've just revealed that he doesn't want a handjob either. So you don't have to do anything. You don't have to do anything. Just say goodnight. say goodbye to the cat not this one that one see you later goodbye to the pussy say goodbye to both pussies no you don't oh god that's upsetting yeah you didn't don't have to have sex with anybody very funny though very funny I think she wanted to have sex I think she just wanted to have sex and she had to have sex with that guy because he was the guy who was there I think that's what she means she didn't feel obligated she wanted to have sex yeah well I've agreed with all of these icks though like deep down I don't know the birthday cake one I don't know about that a little bit right okay I know not really Honestly, I'm not going to enjoy my next birthday cake.

50:53I'll be shitting my pants. Are you terrified?

50:56Rosie Ramsey:No, because we're past the ick. We're past the ick now. Tommy 2 blows. We're past the ick. Once you're married, you're in. You've got to just deal with everything, you know. But like when you're just first meeting people, that, yeah, Tommy 2 blows. Oh, thank you. Listening to your most recent podcast, and I've had to pause it to send this in, hearing your beef about Chris not knowing what to get you for protein reminded me of being in the supermarket and this lovely elderly gentleman asked me if I knew what savouries were. His wife had sent him out and asked for him to get her some savouries so he had no clue what to get her so he was asking me.

51:40We were stood in front of pork pies, there was ham, all sorts of those sort of things and so I went on to describe what savouries were crisps you know told him all of the things that he could get her for savouries after quite a lengthy discussion he then said uh i don't think i'll bother i'll just tell her they didn't have anything now this conversation still plays on my mind this was months ago and i wonder what the hell happened when he got home because if that was my husband and i sent him out to get me some savouries and he'd returned home with no savouries i would be livid yeah so i still think about this and i just had to send this in love you guys love you too right um so no savouries is far too vague that's insane okay so i i the other podcast when i said you saying protein is one below saying just food.

52:39No, it goes food, savouries, protein. Yeah, so sweet and savoury. So yours was the third subcategory. Savouries is, why is she asking for savouries?

52:49Rosie Ramsey:I don't think she said savouries. She must have said savouries. She might have said saveloids. I don't think she said savouries. What else sounds like savouries? I don't know, but that is sanitary pads. Flavouries? No, I think they might have been past period age. I'm telling you, though, like, yes, because he hasn't just made that up himself. So first of all, husband and wife, he's never heard us say the word savouries or he's heard us say it and he's fucking ignored it every single time to the point where he doesn't know what savouries are to the point where he hasn't Googled it. He's just asked someone.

53:21And when presented with how many savouries there is, he's thought, fuck that, I'm not going to bother.

53:25Rosie Ramsey:In his defence, that is really vague. It's unbelievably vague. I actually feel that it's over him. I would have got, if you sent me for savouries. What would you even get? I would get you breadsticks. I would get you probably some kind of chutney I would get you some ham I would get you some crisps I would get you some nuts If you're not watching the podcast I've just sat back in disarray Because how come you can know what savouries are But you didn't know what protein was I did know what protein was But again with your problem Millie Millie Millie Millie Horrible Never do that again my problem with the protein was the protein is part of a main meal you're asking me to get protein because you want it for your main meal let me finish proteins you want it as part of your main meal it's just a load of fucking shit savouries you might as well go look go and look at a fucking the first bit of a buffet table at a 60th birthday in a fucking community centre that's what that's savouries piece of piss no this is wild that you're taking this approach to this.

54:38Rosie Ramsey:By proteins are meant you're in the doctor's surgery right and there's a poster on the wall eat more protein pictures of protein. You know what's on there? I do. meat. Yes, yes, yes. But again I was in Moxley's Bands yesterday right? Yeah. Fucking there's so there's like there's the raw stuff just on its own it's like chicken breast just raw on its own. But it's all savouries. Listen. It's all savouries every single aisle. Yeah, but I'm saying you're like, I would know more what to get for savouries. I would know what to do for savouries. I would. I would. Because I know more about what that means.

55:10Rosie Ramsey:It's ridiculous. I know more about what that means as a food group for a choice. I do. You are ridiculous. Yeah, because the protein, again, is the uncooked ones that are just plain. And then you've got the cooked ones, right, that I've already done. Or then you've got the ones that are in a metal tray where it's like, oh, that comes with a sauce. Enough. I've tapped out. I'm over the conversation. I don't want to talk about it anymore. that's not what people do when they know they're wrong oh no I don't think I'm wrong I'm just bored stop stop stop good do you love being married it's brilliant do you like doing this podcast because we're married because if we weren't married right if you were sat there opposite me and someone who was you're Ben Shepard right I couldn't I couldn't wish goodness you see me on men's health I wish I was Ben Shepard by the way what is it now just everyone's on Men's Health is that the crack have you seen oh everyone's on Men's Health Russell Kane's done it Paddy McGuinness has done it when's yours honestly when's yours fatso I was gonna say genuinely the fact of how many of my peers have been on Men's Health and I haven't I feel like I've just had a letter just saying you are a fat cunt anyway I couldn't do that to him could I I couldn't just go no enough yeah you couldn't no it would be awful but yeah his agent would be falling and your agent going yeah she was fucking horrible in the idea what's wrong with her do you want to hear sorry I'm done with this I'm commenting on what she said she's done with that as well fuck me Jesus Christ I don't email you if you can read what did you get for English in your G says you fucking dunce do you know what no I got an A how ridiculous is that I got an A for English what a spread what a spread it's just your brain what a crop it's your brain I don't know how you weren't picked up on earlier on to get an A in history and then a D in maths, I'll be told you were going to be ungraded and then you get an A in English.

57:03That's such a spread of like okay, this isn't normal curriculum isn't for this person. Their brain works in certain ways for one thing and certain ways for other things and doesn't work at all for history or maths.

57:15Rosie Ramsey:What is that? I don't know what it is. It's all about connecting with the kid, with your brain and something that enthuses you and makes you want to actually learn. You can't just learn something because you're supposed to learn it. I love English. I love stories. I should have done film and media. Is that what it's called? Yeah. Film and media. Yeah. I should have done that. I would have been really interested. If I gave you a sheet with just 100 numbers on in sequence and said, memorize all them, I'll give you some lyrics to a song. What are you going to remember? Easier. A song. Exactly. Because, I mean, I don't know why you said it like that.

57:51The song.

57:52Rosie Ramsey:Because I'm saying it because I'm a little stupid. Listen. Yeah. You think that we've got crazy aches as women. This is one of the worst ones I've heard. Wow, okay. Because I just think, I don't agree with this one, but okay. It says, all right, Chris and Rosie, long time listener, first time in there. So, just pulled into McDonald's drive-thru and spotted an incredibly attractive lad in the car in front of me. Nice car, tan, tight gym shirt and big arms. Sounds like a prick, but carry on. Yeah, whatever. Just not your type. Sounds like a prick. Why? Because I'm jealous, man. God, I bet he's on fucking men's health cover as well, is he?

58:34Rosie Ramsey:Shut up. As I collected my double cheeseburger and milkshake to cure this awful hangover, thinking I'd never see this perfect god of a lad again, I seen him pull into the waiting bay. Ick.

58:50What the fuck? You cannot live your... You cannot live your life.

58:55Rosie Ramsey:I don't agree with that. Wow. Listen, I'm a waiting bear girly. Yeah, because you do Big Mac with no cheese. Because I always get no cheese. So I'm just a waiting bear bitch. Isn't that lovely that I immediately knew that order? Oh, God. I don't know why you're in the waiting bear. It's not romantic that you know me, McDonald's order. That's not a way to connect with us. Is there protein in it? Probably not. Yeah, that's hilarious. So he's lush. He's got a lush car, big arms, tight gym shirt, tan. Oh, he's waiting in the bay. Ick. It's fucking hilarious. So ridiculous, isn't it? That was your opportunity to go talk to him, actually, and you've lost it.

59:34What are you waiting for, sweetheart? Yeah. Is it me? No. Sweet.

59:39Rosie Ramsey:Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Hi, Chris and Rosie. I just finished listening to episode 175. God. God. And they still have numbers. Jesus. Because the algorithm doesn't like numbers. Chris mentioned he wished he could get rid of handwriting. yeah i do believe that yeah yeah yeah i think two things i've wanted to get rid of is uh ironing and the neat new iron things and yeah handwriting found i think ironing is a funny one because um i'm currently trying to get intervented right but i can't see past everybody's they look like pieces of shit people are like i want 45 quid for this and i'm like what that crumpled up mess of a top you want 45 quid for it and the world's gone what mad yeah like no I think if you've worn something more than five times I don't think you can ask for more than a fiver for it personally what do you not think what if it's a a fitted Hugo Boss suit well I suppose that's a bit different but people are literally they're like oh he has me new look t-shirt I want seven quid for it and I'm like no no absolutely not don't iron it but what I was trying to say is It's long-winded.

1:00:51Rosie Ramsey:But we all live in a world where we know what creases are, really. Should it matter? I agree. Again, yeah. But it does, though, because it looks like bad shit. Hey, listen, our tour with a steamer now changed my life. I know. We used to tour with an iron and an iron board in the back of the van, like morons. A handheld steamer now. God, fill up the top. That's all I use. I do Carl's clothes before every show. That's cute. It's not cute. I had to do it because he was standing with the steamer. He had it about 10 inches away from the... He was holding his shirt up. he had the steamer literally a ruler's length away just that is this it is this how you do it oh you know how long a ruler is it's because he stayed at the fucking desk instead of doing your work literally 30 centimeters is this it i went give us that here before i wrap around your neck yeah but you could have just taught him how to do it he's useless well listen to this right yeah my husband also has awful handwriting and he got sick of writing in the office cards for birthdays get well soon and sorry you're leaving etc so he decided what was the what was the staff turnover in this place one how ill is everyone two how many leave what the fuck when you work we haven't worked in a place for a while there is a lot of card writing tell what must be difficult there is a lot of card writing tell what must be very difficult what when you're like on a health kick doing your protein goals and you're doing all this stuff and you work in an office kick and every other day some twat's having a birthday or a celebration and are leaving and they bring him cakes in and you're like what the fuck are you doing to us cookies yeah yeah yeah muffins yeah yeah oh yeah i'll get when i if i sometimes when we're on the tour i'll sometimes go out with a shop beforehand and i'll get like well i was walking around bath and i got like these lovely cookies bath sorry and i got these lovely cookies and i came and i gave something to reese and lucia and all the tech stuff and lucia's like why are you doing this she's like what why do you keep doing this like the third day in the room i got some cookies or something she was like you need to stop she was like you have to stop because like she's like dead fit goes like running every morning and stuff so it's like you need you need to stop we can't just keep having cookies yeah because yeah you're facilitating so i stopped i stopped no good yeah well listen uh he got so sick of it so he decided to get a stamp created that said happy birthday from kyle and he stamps it in everyone's cards even on get well soon well he said it says yeah he stamps it in everyone's cards whether it's their birthday or not so I'm guessing he's just like I don't give a shit there goes my hero watch him as oh my god I love him come on yeah Carl that is Kyle's ring read the stamp it says Kyle Kyle that is genius and he must just be known now he's like that he's made a little joke good for him I love that good for him happy birthday from Kyle fucking great you know it was only three cards or something and he went oh the hell with this I love the idea.

1:03:42Can you sign this card for Karen? Can we do it tomorrow? Because my stamp gets here tomorrow. I don't want to write. But my birthday is a day where my hands are tied.

1:03:53Rosie Ramsey:I think you would love this stamp. When was the last time you actually wrote out a card? You never write the family cards out. No, I don't. It's pointless. I'm not even allowed to sign our books. I'll sign my name, but I'm not allowed to write the to and from and the person's name and that. You won't let us. It's awful. I wouldn't not let you. Well, you do. You haven't seen you. You take the pen off us and you slap us on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and you say, no. And I've learned.

1:04:24I still don't want to make you laugh, you know. I still love it. No, I'm not laughing at you.

1:04:31What the fuck are you laughing at?

1:04:35Rosie Ramsey:Unbelievable. I was thinking of a memory. listen should i take my cam off again just for the end bit it's dreadful that that is really look at that bit there that's it there it's that on the oh no you look like Popeye do you remember what's it no no no don't I'm gonna stop the gun no what is it I'm strong to the finish because I eat my spinach. I'm Popeye the Sailor Man. It's famous in the episode where he had his jaw wired shut. Right, good, bye.

1:05:15We have a laugh, don't we? We have a bloody laugh.

1:05:21Rosie Ramsey:We do. Thank you for watching and thank you for listening to this week's episode of Shagged Married and All. Yes, thank you so much for listening. And as always, if you want to get in touch, email is shagmarriednoid at gmail.com. and if you want to send in a voice note to the WhatsApp, it's 0787-440-6650. How are you, lads? Get your WhatsApps in. Yes, lads, send some in. And obviously all of that details there on the podcast page as well. Thank you so much for listening and watching. Please subscribe on YouTube. Bye. Bye.