Bro Dad, The Agadoo, and sooo many Lady Birds!

20:08Rosie Ramsey:You fucking bitch. Sorry. Oh, it just blows my mind. And I'm like. How long was he kidnapped for? Like a couple of weeks. Jesus Christ. Yeah, let him in your bed. Wasn't a few hours. You think the writers would go, hold on a second. Do you think the parents would probably just go, come in our bed? I don't know. But they probably have an M. We've just found our child sex. Like they do on every TV show. Oh God. Oh my God. Because that's another unrealistic thing. So apologies to all the people out here who just fuck like all the time. But when it's like, he's been away at work, he walks in the door, we just have sex immediately.

20:41We've had an argument. We have sex immediately. Make-up sex doesn't exist. I'm not having it.

20:45Rosie Ramsey:If we are not speaking, I do not want to have sex with you. I don't even want to look. I don't want you to touch us. Remember, there's been times we went arguing and you give us a hug, and I'm like, crap, I don't understand make-up sex. Never been a thing. But yeah, like troll my sex. Yeah. Troll my sex like, oh my God. What child's got missing? Let's have sex. Like, what? What? What? Are you joking? I just think it's probably written by young, single, cool people. Young, single, childless, cool people who don't understand. And they're like, yeah, these people, he's got a dick, she's got a vagina, they probably just have sex now.

21:16Yeah.

21:17Rosie Ramsey:Well, honestly, I think we should write one. I think we should write one because if my five-year-old got kidnapped for three weeks, he'd be sleeping in my bed until he was 21. Yeah. I'm not even joking, like literally. He'd be like, mom, I'm going to college. I'd go, you're fucking not. College, what are we, American? Uni. Mom, I'm going to stay at the halls. You'll be wearing your Apple tag at all times. You'll have that Apple tag that I've inserted into your skin. Just, oh, yeah, put him in his own room. Shut up. Lost us then. Get you. It lost us. Yeah. And I think it's because the people who write it think that everyone's stupid.

21:53Rosie Ramsey:So they're like, but if he's in their bedroom, they'll not recognize it as a child's bedroom. And they'll go, oh, he's missing again. Yeah, visually they want to put him in it. That's why they've done it. in your race car bed. Me as a mother, I'm like, it's clearly... I get it. I feel the same when I see someone, annoyingly it is, you can't really tell that much with blokes, but when you see a TV show or drama or something and they wake up in the morning and they are fully done up. Oh, yeah. Fully made up. Ridiculous. And you go, how am I? I know. Fucking no one looks like that when they're all out of bed.

22:29Oh, I know.

22:29Rosie Ramsey:Please. I know, it's ridiculous. But sorry, I'm just in my brain getting angry. because I think I mentioned this when I watched it this is where it's come from that documentary I watched where that lass got taken from her bedroom like they literally put like a hole in the screen kidnapped her and then that same night after she'd gone missing the sister who shared a room with her was like and I just couldn't sleep what in the same room where your sister was kidnapped from the night before your mum and dad thought oh well well we've taped that hole up what the fuck she was like and I just could not get a wink of sleep.

23:07Rosie Ramsey:I would never sleep again. Yeah, he's moving. We were talking yesterday with my mum's for dinner and we're talking when we're little about the man, bless him, who escaped from... I didn't know this story. Oh, so... This is a wild story. I'm just going to move your... What would you call it? The mental health facility? There's a... Yeah, there's a mental health facility near where we live and I didn't know this story. You told me this yesterday and some guy had escaped when you were children you were sitting watching the big breakfast on a school morning and someone in a fucking gown I mean why why did he come to our house no idea like the seventh house on the road maybe he was I don't know so yeah so he was like he came to the window we were watching the morning telly I shouldn't laugh it's so it was Chris so okay this is where this is why we're different right he literally came to the window and he was like help me banging on the window right in these gowns he had the bracelet on with these literally we were just like tag hospital we were screaming right like mum dad there's a man in the window and he's like help help me horrible right and then my memory ran out he went off and there was about four people chasing him like doctors in full like gowns and that and they were chasing him and I remember he was in the road running like some like do you know 20 like the days later when there's just nobody there because it was just morning and they're all running after him.

24:33Rosie Ramsey:But that night, do you honestly think any of us had a good sleep? Like, we probably were all in my mom and dad's bed. Fuck it now. Because, well, actually. And he only just knocked on the window. And he just knocked on the window. I didn't remember being that traumatized, but Kate. Oh, Kate. Kate was like, I was so traumatized by that. Kate held on to that. That's Kate's, yeah. Kate did. Kate did. Hey, good times. Sewed that right into the fabric of her personality. Yeah, good times. But yeah, why the fuck did he bang on our window? Mental. We're chatting about some stuff that happened with our kids, and it was just, it was a crazy house.

25:08Rosie Ramsey:Very good. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at chatgpt.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro plans. Espolon Tequila, balanced, delicious. 100 % agave, 0 % ego. Just add ice, lime, and your mouth.

25:49Rosie Ramsey:For real margarita, ride the rooster. Espolon Tequila, 40 % alcohol by volume, 80 proof. Copyright 2026, Compel America, New York, New York. Drink responsibly. Real value shows up in reliability you don't have to second guess. Like a set of Firestone all-season tires. They're designed to deliver confidence-inspiring wet weather traction and a quieter ride, no matter the road, season after season. Firestone all-season tires. For durability, you can count on. Just like people count on you. Firestone. Always dependable. Since 1900.

26:27Rosie Ramsey:Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Speaking of Crazy House, our five-year-old has cut me deep. He's cut me deep. He's really upset us. So I remember talking about on the podcast, when Robin got about five or six, Robin started getting really annoyed by me farts. I remember I was heartbroken because he was like, Daddy, your farts stink. I hate it kind of thing. Whereas little ones think they're funny. Now, Rafe's fine with farts. He's not bothered by them at all. He fart and he just laughs. Does he ever say that you stink while you're brushing his teeth? Like your breath? Yeah. He said it in the morning before.

27:05Rosie Ramsey:Right. Like, ma 'am, you stink. So to the point of where, I don't know what it is, because it was really hurtful this morning because I had brushed my teeth and used mouthwash, so I don't know what the fuck was going on. So I'm brushing his teeth, and he's literally got his mouth open. Because, yes, he's only going to brush his teeth himself, and he does sometimes, but now and then I'm like, I'm going to do it, so I'll do the full two minutes and give him a proper brush because fuck knows what you're doing. So him, not you. so I'm brushing his teeth I meant him not you so I'm brushing his teeth right and he goes like he's got his mouth open he goes and he like grabs his nose so he's devised a system now because obviously I have to speak God how bad is it?

27:37Rosie Ramsey:I don't know he doesn't do this for me so when I say and I'm not smelly I don't have smelly breath I'm not you know we hate that kind of thing I would tell you if you did you know I would so he's devised it's really hurtful he's devised a system now so normally I would so I'll say bite or open wide right you know what I mean if he bites if you say sometimes cheese sometimes cheese or bite or open wide if I'm a thing. Okay. So he's now devised, well he's devised a system now where he said basically if I want him to open his mouth and this works for obviously everyone watching on YouTube but I'll explain.

28:06I'll do it first to you then I can bring him what it is. If I want him to open his mouth I've got to do that.

28:10Rosie Ramsey:Okay. So what I'm doing guys is like opening my mouth like as if my hands are mouth as if my hands are mouth like a crocodile so I've got to do that and if I want him to shut his mouth I've got to do that. So you can't speak? I'm not allowed to talk to him. I have to breathe out of my nose which apparently still smells and I'm not allowed to speak to him. And when he brushes, I have to do that and close my hands and he closes his mouth and then he won't listen. It's not a good way to start your day, especially when you've already brushed your teeth. He gets really annoyed at me. He just hates getting his teeth brushed.

28:37Rosie Ramsey:He gets annoyed at me because I go, ah, and he goes, ah.

28:43Rosie Ramsey:So passive aggressive. Hey, do you want to feel old? No. Yeah, you do. After last week. No, got a better one. This is for everyone. Everyone out there, any millennial out there, or maybe even a little bit of the next generation as well, and obviously the generation above that. Guess what? Can you name them? Guess what? Is it Gen Z after us? Gen Z's after us. Boomers are two above us. Gen... Gen X. X are the ones above us. They're one above us, Gen X, I think. Anyway, look. Look, if you're around about our age, listen to this. Okay. The last remaining blockbuster store in the world hosts school field trips for first graders learning what life was like when their parents and grandparents were growing up.

29:30It's in Oregon and on their visits they learn about physical media under the rewind rule.

29:39Rosie Ramsey:Oh God. It's happened. It's happened. Do you know where we are? We're the 70s. Yeah. We're the fucking 70s. It's worse. This is worse than when I saw that Xbox in that museum in Edinburgh. This is worse than I saw that Xbox. Yeah, because if you gave our children a videotape, they'd just go, what is this? Even a CD, they don't know what CDs are. I remember going to Blockbuster. I drove to Blockbuster. I had a car. So I'm 17, 18, 19. I'm driving to Blockbuster and renting videos and renting DVDs, sorry. One of the best days of my week was, I was more of a global video girl. I was global for a bit.

30:26I was just a local one, dodgy local one, which I'm sure I did porn if you asked. And then I was global and then I was Blockbuster. Yeah. I like global because, can you remember, global used to do the fucking, them hard blue sleeves.

30:38Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, lush. Blue plastic. Lush. It felt really, really cool. And then you could just drop it off in the little envelope thing at the front of the thing. Yeah. And the popcorn was lovely. Yeah. But yeah, good times. Absolutely devastating. Good times. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's your beef with me, bitch? Ladies first? Yeah. Do you want me to? It's actually not that bad. I'm going away to London today for work. And it's just a bit upsetting and frustrating that when I go away for work, because you're also going away tomorrow so we're going to be meeting each other in London. I just have to do everything.

31:21Rosie Ramsey:Yes. You go to work, you don't do anything for the kids or you don't sort out their uniforms, their swimming kits, make sure that everything's labelled, leaving notes for my mum to make sure everything's done, checking that home. It's just, I just do all of the admin. I know. We've got our own jobs. we've said this before we've got our own jobs we've got our own things why did you look at you're looking at us horribly because one happened yesterday we were that's what I'm saying it's not that bad because but okay do you know do you want to find upsetting you're very much the more hands on like I know for a fact you're like we've got our own jobs and you're like I take Robin to the like maybe I want to do that maybe I want to be the hands on one and you can do the mental why don't we swap why don't we swap for a bit so So a swap of that nature only can occur when both parties want to swap their thing.

32:18If you just want to do the driving and that, you just have to add that onto your pile if I don't want to take your stuff off you. That's just the rules. That's how it works, I'm afraid.

32:24Rosie Ramsey:That's the most stupidest, ridiculous thing you've ever said. Honestly, any woman, any mother, listen, will hate you now, so welcome. Bring it on. Why don't we... No, let's swap. Let's swap. Let's swap for a month. No, I don't like doing stuff like that. Neither do I. I do not have... No. That little label thing that you do. You have joy on your face when I see you sticking a little label on a pair of little swimming shorts or something. I've never seen you happier. It's unbelievable. Chris, don't. The mental load, it's too much. Okay. It's not fair. But it's not fair that you get to go to work and just be like, bye, family.

32:58Rosie Ramsey:Goodbye. I'll go to work and I'm like, have I done this? Have I done that? Have I emailed this? It's just... Yeah. We've got our jobs. We've got our jobs. And they're just not my jobs, I'm afraid. I'm so sorry. Wow, okay. It's just nothing I can do. Honestly, I wish I could do something, but my hands are tied. Are you deliberately beating you? I'm deliberately beating you. I'm sorry. I'm deliberately beating you. Sorrendous. Listen, my beef with you is... We'll get back to that in a later date, by the way, because I'm not leaving it. Great. You have somehow, I don't know how you did it, because I've resisted it for so long, but you have somehow got me on the true crime bandwagon of watching horrific, horrific fucking things.

33:41for entertainment.

33:43Rosie Ramsey:Vile. You sit there, mouth a gawp. Honestly. Loving every second. Yeah, but sometimes, I didn't even watch, we watched a Mormon one. Oh, the first one. Oh, God! Sorry, apologies. FLDS. Yeah, it's not a Mormon one. It's the fundamentalist Mormon one. It's not a Mormon one. It's a fundamentalist, the FLDS. Which, by the way, I mean, horrible. Whoever did the fucking acronym for that, it's the worst fucking acronym in the world. So they're called like fund, it's something like FLDS, but the F stands for six or seven words. And then the LDS is Latter-day Saints. It's like fundamentalists. I've Latter-day Saints.

34:22It's like, yeah, it's like fundamentalist followers of the church of Jesus Christ, Latter-day Saints. So it's the worst acronym in the world. But I'll be honest with you, it's not the main problem with them. Anyway, we are watching. you had me watching the most disgusting just awful awful reports of these people having these just horrible lives and it finished and yes I did enjoy it before I even got a chance to ask what was going on you just quickly put another one on and it was about someone who came into a room and murdered all these people oh the Idaho massacre

34:58Rosie Ramsey:fucking hell but it was like that was actually quite recent yeah and then we go to bed and you're like Chris are all the doors locked and I'm like I wonder why you're terrified of all the doors not being locked. Because for fun, you watch fucking murder porn. You're a psycho. No, I'm away. Yeah, no, it's a massive red flag. It's a huge red flag. I think it's a psychopath trait. No, it's a red flag. And they said recently, if you're dating someone and they love true crime, it's a massive red flag. But yeah. What are you going to do? I don't know. Just maybe, honestly. Yeah, but okay. Right, listen to this, okay?

35:33Rosie Ramsey:Mm-hmm. You know these people. We all know these people. Okay, men and women who go about life just fucking no idea. Don't know what's going on. Either would do that. Dead. Dead. Me. You see me walking down the street. I'm not listening to you. I'm watching my surroundings. I've got my keys in my hand ready to stab a bitch. Like, I'm sorry. No. i'm the one you want to be with i'm keeping work alive i know exactly what's going on right at all times and when i'm when i'm around people who don't i can't bear it i know what you mean could you stop shut up yeah pay attention to the dangers around you because i'm not i'm saving myself i'm not saving you yeah wait be away i always watch me drink you're sometimes you're like you know when i go out you're like be careful and i'm like mate are you fucking are you joking i've been careful since i was 15 years old yeah but i mean walking through london with you is hard fucking work i can't answer my phone i can't answer my phone i can't look on a map it's like chris if you're gonna look on a map stand in the doorway with your back of the street and put your bag over your head and your coat under your chin yeah because i ain't getting robbed i ain't getting mugged yeah no sorry yeah it's not happening so yeah so i watch them i know what's going on i'm very away so try it fine can't argue with that can't be arsed would you rather scat a brain no i would just i would just rather maybe watch you know something that isn't about killings and kidnappings all the time maybe just real housewives summer house do you know i watch it all okay below deck like okay dramatic but in a very different way below deck where they get their bodies I love it, so I don't care.

37:30It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public, public, public, public, public, public. As always, if you'd like and get in touch, it's shagmaryanord.gmail.com for an email or for a voice note, it's 07874 406650.

37:46Rosie Ramsey:Firstly, just want to say, everybody listening, we love you so much. Yes. Like, we introduced a new feature on this show. you want to know that everyone's getting in touch. Oh, amazing. Giving their bits. Yeah. Doing their stuff. Is this your new, incredibly catchy titled stuff that you say that's about, that's saying that's about other people that they don't know about? Yeah. Yeah. Great. Loads of people have sent them in. That's basically all we're going to do for questions in the public today. I had a story about like a cum tissue and a dog. I'm not even doing it. Oh. I might do it at the end.

38:19Rosie Ramsey:Thank you. What I look forward to. Speaking of dogs, do you remember, this is a saying that from our life, that we did for years, we haven't done for a while. Do you remember, that better not be my dog! Oh my God! And you would remember some, that better not be my dog. To anyone who doesn't know, we were walking back from the pub once when we were single and didn't have kids. We were walking back from the pub. Out at dark, you mean? Out at dark, yeah. And there was a lady walking, she was also walking back from the pub, and her kids must have been in the house looking after the dog, and the dog ran out of the road and a car beeped at the dog and she just went, that better not be my dog!

38:58Fucking great. Stunning. She didn't look like she was going to sound like that. No, it's insane. She looked well-dressed, dare I say quite an attractive lady and she just went, that better not be my dog! Fucking great. Beautiful. Forgot about that.

39:12Rosie Ramsey:Okay, we've got a couple of voice notes. Daisy's starred these ones as her favourite. Come on, Daisy. Hello, I've got a one of the other people i'm saying is about people that they don't know for you one time me and my husband walking along the streets of cambridge and laughing a bit about how posh everything is and then these two lads were coming towards us looking like the most cambridge stereotype boys you've ever seen in your life like it was quentin and tarquin you know the sort and we just as they passed us we caught the tail end of their conversation and one of them just goes to the other mate i have got so many ladybirds I just wonder how many ladybirds that boy has got for the rest of my life where's he keeping his ladybirds where are the ladybirds why's he got so many ladybirds fucking great I've got so many ladybirds so many ladybirds oh that is beautiful that's so weird I just watched a clip from the new Saturday Night Live the British one and they did like a piss take of Maiden Chelsea and it's so funny.

40:15Rosie Ramsey:Brilliant. It's really good and that would be good. I've got so many ladybirds. I've got so many ladybirds. It's fantastic. Oh God. How do they have half liver? He's talking about women, isn't he? I'm not sure. He might be talking about actual ladybirds. Actual ladybirds. You don't know. Are they ladybirds or ladybugs? Ladybirds here, ladybugs in America. Okay, I've wanted to know that for years. Okay, ladybirds. So many ladybirds. So many ladybirds. That's one of my favourite ones. I love overhearing little bits of people's life. I've definitely told you about when Carl Hutchinson came out of Asda and there was two lads sitting eating donuts.

40:49You know that, don't you?

40:50Rosie Ramsey:I've no. Hang on. Stop the press. You don't know this. The Carl Hutchinson story that I've never heard. Are you sure? Doesn't ring a bell. Come on. I'm ready. We talk about it all the time. So Carl's walking out of Asda, one in Gosforth. Nice. He's walking out. It's a nice Asda. Yeah. and there's two lads sitting like, you know, like sort of, you know, track suits, caps, just sitting there on this little wall outside of it. And each of them have got like a whoopsie, going out of day to day, pack of 12 donuts each. Amazing. Okay. I'm invested. And they're eating the donuts and they're both like eating them.

41:29And Carl walks past and one of them goes to the other one.

41:35the rank these like on there and the other one goes i just get them down you though

41:49and we don't to this day we don't know why but they're just i don't know they just needed it they just get they're just eating so there must have been like you know 25 pence each or something Oh no.

42:00Rosie Ramsey:We're not wanting. They're just fucking scranning them. Ah nah. Well they rank these. Ah nah. Just get them down you man. And he's just fucking just inexplicably shoveling whoopsie donuts down the face. And I remember he told us it and it's one of them ones that I was annoyed that he told us because I want to know so badly why they needed to eat them donuts. I think they either had loads to drink or they had drugs and they needed something in them. Right okay. Maybe. Just get them down you. But I rank these like ah nah. just get them down you no I've never heard that before it's beautiful fucking throwing them down their neck just on the wall outside just gutted oh I enjoyed that a lot right hang on wait we've got another got another one here can I just say I love the voice notes please keep them coming it's so lovely to hear your voices me too some in a little bit some in a little bit hi Chris and Rosie American here I just finished listening to this week's episode where y 'all were talking about yo sayings you have for other people that you say to each other or whatever it's called.

43:03And my partner and I were hiking in the desert one time, and this British man came up to us, and he didn't have any water in the desert, and he said to us, do you have any water? I've got heat stroke. And my partner and I quote that to each other all the time. I've got heat stroke. Not to make fun of y 'all's accents.

43:28do you ever need water i've got eight stroke it's fucking russell brand

43:40i've got eight stroke oh god that's great i've just remembered another one an american one years ago

43:49Rosie Ramsey:um somebody my old like group of friends when i was a kid that all went to uni at leeds and one of the girls um she was called rendy and she just didn't reduce herself she was like my name is rendy it's like wendy with an r yeah you i've heard you say that loads of times my name is rendy it's wendy with an r my name is rendy it's uh like wendy with an r funny oh god i've got eight stroke fantastic beautiful great thank you for them yeah Babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo ba! Starting or growing your own business can be intimidating and lonely at times. Your to-do list may feel endless with new tasks, and lists can easily begin to overrun your life.

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46:08spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at chatgpt.com by selecting work mode, available on Plus and Pro plans. Espolon Tequila. It arrives in a cloud of feathers with a cry to wake the dead.

46:23Rosie Ramsey:Espolon Tequila. Balanced, delicious, perfect for nights out, nights in, and people who like to drink tequila. Just add ice, lime, and your mouth, then hold on time. 100 % agave, 0 % ego. Espolon Tequila for a real margarita ride the rooster Espolon Tequila 40 % alcohol by volume 80 proof copyright 2026 Compel America New York New York drink responsibly Hi Chris and Rosie very long listener from back in the COVID days first time messenger hello you asked about quotes that are in families that no one else would understand that's actually quite a nice one that's a nice one we will come up with a new I feel like I'm not using enough words for that title we were out in the car on our way to Colomany.

47:12Rosie Ramsey:C-L-O-M-A-N-Y in County Donegal in Ireland. Okay. Donegal. Sorry. Donegal. Donegal. I do believe it's Donegal. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Oh, I hate it when people mispronounce places. I'm so sorry. Yeah. Sorry, everyone. That was awful to listen to to Irish listeners. Anyway, right. They're in Ireland. They're down narrow country roads in our Dacia Duster. Dacia? Stop. Just a call. just say car why don't you why don't you read them then this is right in the car um we met a woman we met kind of cars well you'll find out yeah we met a woman coming towards us in her big brand new Range Rover and she could not drive right okay bad driver we pulled in and tried to let her pass but she got very upset with us and rolled her window down and shouted at us I paid for this car you know

48:04Rosie Ramsey:and drove off now if we happen to come come across road rage our 10 year old and 7 year old roar from the back we paid for this guy you know and that's Sinead Finn who are 10 and Ruby who's 7 thank you so much for that wonderful but I actually listen as a Range Rover owner thank you very much and I always say this to you don't I men yeah hate me in my Range Rover they fucking hate me because I it's because they know that I bought you and it's your husband's so I'm gonna actually yeah I'm gonna coin this phrase myself yeah the next man that gives me any shit while I'm driving my Range Rover I'm gonna wind the window down and go I pay for this car you know you're convinced that all men who give you any kind of look in the Range Rover think that I've they think I'm just some footballer's wife or something like that Rosie come on this retired footballer a retired footballer's wife are you taking no come on are you seeing the football Rosie I drive past the Sundland Academy man now and then when I'm up in that neck of the woods they're like fucking children man some of them one of them was pulling in a sports car yeah they did not old enough to drive I know they are they are children unbelievable alright then well not footballers they think manager football manager's wife yeah football manager's wife sponsor yeah sponsor I married somebody who really invested and really worked hard with their few GCSEs that they had and they now have this massive company and they sponsor them.

49:38Rosie Ramsey:I'm married to them and I'm driving around in his Range Rover and everyone hates it. You were his first wife. You were his first wife and you've written him in the divorce but he's left him for a much younger, much younger girl. Someone who doesn't get called a grandma at weddings. He's left you, you're gone, old news. Me Range Rover's 10 years old. Yeah, but you've got it in the divorce. I got it in the divorce. It's yours. Yeah, but in real life... That's what people think. In real life, I bought my car with my money. I paid for this car, you know. I paid for this car, you know. So that's what I'm going to start saying.

50:13Rosie Ramsey:Hi, Rosie and Chris. An entry for the catchy new segment. In my... They forgot what it was called. Good. In my local pub, there was a regular that would prop up the bar drinking whiskey and he gave me and a friend two sayings that we still use at least 10 years later. Yeah. The guy has since passed. but coined two phrases that I'll never forget. Note that this pub is in Musselburgh. Berg. Musselburgh? Musselburgh. Musselburgh. Yeah, yeah. So, time for Rosie's Scottish accent. Okay, then. Okay. And you know what's really upsetting? Recently, he was at the Edinburgh Fringe. Not one fucking Scottish person.

50:51Yeah. Where were all the Scottish people? They don't fuck off. They go for the first weekend. You get all the Scottish in on the first weekend, and then they just fucking leave. I just won't blame them.

51:01Rosie Ramsey:Okay, ready? Once when I stood next to him at the urinal trough, he drunkenly said, nothing better than a pish. So of course we repeat that whenever going for a wee in a pub.

51:22Rosie Ramsey:You do it in your Scottish accent. Nothing better than a pish. Oh, God. Oh, God. You're Kevin Bridges. You've just listened to Kevin Bridges for two hours. It is. Yeah. Right, ready? An empty. An empty. He also once asked why we were sitting in a small town pub and said we should be up the turn shagging away. Which has been repeated loads since whenever anyone is talking about having a big night out. Oh, I love that. I tell you what, right? Because I go on tour this week, in the spirit of the going on tour. I'll give you a couple from the tour, actually. Okay, come on. Oh, God, I'll know these.

52:02Rosie Ramsey:You will know them. Oh, here's a tip. Do you think I could finish them? Oh, here we go, because I've told you them before. Okay, there we go. Right. Me and Carl are in a service station. We are walking into the service station toilets. There is a man in work gear walking out with his friend. He's quite distraught. He says this to his friend and we can't believe it. I don't know. It's a complaint. I don't know that one. Oh, no, I'm so upset. We're walking in. He's walking out with his mate, and we just heard him go to his mate. I still can't piss. No, I don't know that one. We fucking lost it. We talked about it for days.

52:43Rosie Ramsey:Okay. I thought you were going to do a more... There's loads of other ones. I'll give you one in a minute. I'm upset about that. I still can't. He walked past one on the way out, and we were walking in. I still can't piss. That's what he said. We fucking couldn't believe it. Okay. We are in a service station again. There is a KFC. I don't want a pack of ham. No, that's a different one. That's a different one. That's what I said to Carl. Carl asked me at three o 'clock in the morning if I wanted a pack of ham. And I went, no, I don't want a pack of ham. And everyone said pack of ham. We are in a service station.

53:16The KFC. The shutters are down, half down on the KFC. The staff are in. It's not open yet. There was a man standing with his wife. what does he say

53:26Rosie Ramsey:should have went to Burger King close close very close oh no this wouldn't happen to Burger King he looked at the shutters and he looked at the sign that said what time it opened and he went close half twelve and he turned to his wife and he went I want Burger King

53:48we fucking fucking lost it

53:52Rosie Ramsey:I knew it was to be a bad burger king. Wait, one more. Do I have another one? I don't know if I've got another one, you know, off the top of my head. Fair enough. Oh, so once, you won't know this one, once we're trying to get a late check out, and this bloke was standing there, and we were like, is there any chance we're going to get it? And we said late, and he went, I can't, I can't. And he was shaking his head, I can't. And we're going, well, is there any one? And he's like, I can't, I can't. And he just wouldn't. So for ages, when someone asked you for something that you didn't want to get, you just got a car, we'll go, can you move that?

54:25I go, I can't. I just can't. I can't. Fucking wanted to punch his head in. Right, carry on.

54:31Rosie Ramsey:Well, we did that for years after we watched that program about like Frankenstein. Yes. Or Penny Dreadful. Penny Dreadful. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anytime one of the characters said yes, you go, yes. Yes. And also, this has been our full marriage. Restaurant. Restaurant. Gordon Ramsay. Restaurant. Never say restaurant. There's loads. Restaurant. There's loads. Great. Right, listen. Yeah. A few months after my separation, I decided to delve into the world of online dating apps. Love, love one of these. Love this. And I feel really terrible. Do you know I went to see Jess Fuchs at Edinburgh? She's a stand-up comedian.

55:13Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. So funny. Australian. absolutely brilliant loved our show it was really really good uh and she was talking about dating apps and she's obviously got like she's she's 30 so i'm 10 years older right and she was like in the room like who's used dating apps people like yeah who hasn't and i was like whoo and she's like what do you mean you've never used them and i was like oh and i but i mean horribly i went oh i'm married she was like all right fucking hell show off but i was like no they weren't when we got married they weren't a big thing when i was single dating apps weren't a thing it was a really odd thing a date nap yeah but they've obviously come a long way in the last 12 years they're now just they're now how it's done yeah so but i just was like i sound like i'm really really really glad i missed the date nap thing oh yeah i'm really glad i missed it why i don't know i just feel i just i just don't think it would have been good for me i in a way though i think they're better because the the way you met people before was like having a kiss and then yeah yeah and And then standing back and going, am I actually attracted to you?

56:12Not saying they're bad for people. I'm just saying, I don't think it would have been good for me.

56:17Rosie Ramsey:Why? Don't know. Mental health ones. Yeah, I just think it would have been a bit like, it'd be like fucking Pokemon Go, man. I'd have got obsessed. Well, like finding people. Like swiping. Oh, here's a better one. Swipe. Oh, no, there's a better one. Yeah, I just think. Ugh, what? Like women are commodities? Yeah. No, things. Not commodities, things. Stop it. Possessions. I know you're joking. I'm kidding. Everyone knows I'm kidding. I'm joking. You're so pussy whipped in this relationship. You come on here. It's the same when people are at the house. Yeah. It's ridiculous the way you go on. Yeah.

56:49Rosie Ramsey:You speak to me like a piece of shit. And I'm like, I say to everyone, I'm like, this is wild because you crawl up my backside 24 seven. Soon as you've got an audience, you're a dick. Yeah. It's kind of my brand. It's fucking weird as fuck. Listen, shut up.

57:07Rosie Ramsey:So delving into the words of date naps. Yeah. I was chatting with an... I feel like this is something that would happen to me. I was chatting with a nice guy for a while and we came to a mutual agreement that we would meet up just for a bit of no-strings fun. No drama. Mutual agreement for that? Mutual. Adults. Bloody enjoy yourselves, kids. You know what I mean? Honestly. We'd been to my place a few times, but before our last meeting, he explained that he may have to cancel because his cat was ill and the vet said she shouldn't be left alone. Now, listen, this may be ick worthy ick worthy to many but I was understanding I'm an animal lover after all so she's like I like cats your cat's not very well like you've got to allow for some stuff I don't believe it I find it to be an excuse I think cats are quite independent but carry on who knows he then suggested that I come to his house because the cat's not well come to see me say cat yeah yeah sexy cat cough all over you cat cough that actually sounds like a cat coughing great No, no, didn't.

58:09Rosie Ramsey:As I didn't drive, he offered to pick me up and said he would drop me off afterwards. Right. That's nice. For context, he lived about 20 to 30 minutes drive from me in a different city. Leaving the cat alone for an hour then. Is he? Oh, no. Oh, no. The time comes. Oh, God. Come on, then. I still can't. Come on. I still can't piss. Come on. The time comes and I get a text to say he's outside. I walk towards his car and notice something in the front seat. He'd brought the cat, Chris, comfortable in its cage in the front seat. So here I am, travelling down the road on our way to a booty call in the back seat of his car.

58:53No! No, he put her in the back!

58:56Rosie Ramsey:When I say this is an ick, it's me. I'm the ick. I'm a grown-ass woman in her 30s, sat in the back seat of a three-door car, so I had to climb behind the driver's seat to get in while this cat while his cat is pried of place next to him. And it's just carried on. She says, I have cats. I'm sure it would have been okay during that time and I would have been perfectly okay with cancelling if he felt he couldn't be away from his precious kitty. Wow. And in case you're wondering, they're still shagged. She's still shagged him. Outrageous. After we finished the deed, he packed the cat back up in our little cage, shot me in the back of his car and drove me home again.

59:34Rosie Ramsey:didn't see him again after that. Fucking demoralising. That is so funny. Why couldn't the cat have gone in the back? Because it's a three door and it's obviously a big cage. Why couldn't he left the cat at home in the cage? It's an hour he's told the vet said he can't. It all checks out now. I'm sorry that I, honestly, I doubted the guy. He's 100%, he's telling the truth here, but you put the, my mate took me for, what? Honestly? Yeah? Okay. He really likes her. He did, but he's fucking ruined it, hasn't he? Kind of, but in my, me, when I was single, I'd be like, he really likes me because he's drove all this way with his cat.

1:00:08Rosie Ramsey:For a shark. Yeah? Yeah. Okay. But my mate took us for a curry last night. We had a couple of beers and then he didn't drink. He took us for a... And I had to climb in the back of a three-door. It's a fucking nightmare climbing in the back of a three-door. So you can't... If it's a big square case, big square cage, you'll not be able to get it in. So... He really likes her though. Yeah. But she sat in the back. She sat in the back while an ill cat... I mean, I can't imagine what smells or noises this cat was given off on a 30 minute drive for a shag and then pack the cat back up in 30 minutes.

1:00:37Rosie Ramsey:Why couldn't you stay over? The cat's not well. What if he's got to take you to the cat hospital in the middle of the night? Oh no. Do you want to hear something rogue? Or we're going to lose listeners? Don't. Don't. Don't. What? Don't. Because we know everyone... I wouldn't have gone out with someone who's got a cat. Yeah. Someone prefers cats or dogs. You... I haven't said this on you. actually. You famously recently said, I wrote it down, I've never found a way to crowbar it in when I'm going to crowbar it in now. No, am I going to get cancelled? No, no. It's so stupid it makes sense, which annoyed us.

1:01:12I hate it when you do this. I hate it when you say something so stupid that it makes sense. Obviously, everyone out there, some people prefer cats, some people prefer dogs. It's the fucking tail as old as time. Congratulations. I would never treat that,

1:01:22Rosie Ramsey:like I'm saying, I would never wish ill will to a cat. Of course not. I'm not a fan of them. And I, again, when we had Russell Cain on, please keep me anonymous, his fucking cats were incredible. The best cats I've ever met and Carl's old cat was lovely. I've met some nice ones. I've met some lovely cats. But listen, right? Met some horrible ones. You said, we were talking about getting a dog or a cat. Can you remember why you said you wouldn't get a cat? And it wasn't that they climb all over your benches or that they, you know, they bring mice in or they just fuck off out of your house for a while.

1:01:49Can you remember the reason you gave? What I found so stupid that it almost made sense a bit when I thought about it.

1:01:55Rosie Ramsey:No. Cats never smile. They don't. they never look happy how do you know a cat's happy how do you know a cat's happy like do they purr in that I don't know no I need visual cues dogs don't smile oh the look is buzzing though whatever no dogs no that's what I need I can't do no no thank you I don't think your personality suits a cat no but can I tell you right now if we got one I would bloody love it like this is the thing I would I'd become attached to things but I just I don't like how independent they are I need some I need to be needed that's why I need a dog I need a dog to be obsessed with this I need my kids to need us a cat would just be like fuck you you fat bitch and I know it would I know that's what they'd be thinking I know they would they would you'd sit party bag of instros be like you are a fucking fat bitch and I'm ashamed to be here in this house.

1:03:03Rosie Ramsey:That's what a cat would be thinking about me. And I'd see it and it'd smile with his soulless eyes and I can't have it. Nah. So no, we're not getting a cat. It would hate me. It would hate me. Like scratches when I'm asleep and that. Yeah. Fat bitch. It would hate us. Unless I got a fat cat. Little Garfield. No, don't have fat animals. It's not fair. It's not fair on the animals. There's currently a thing on Real Housewives at the minute. I know I talk about Real Housewives. It's like, it's me life. One of the women on there, Real Housewives, Orange County, she's like crazy fit. Like she's just super like muscly and amazing, right?

1:03:41Rosie Ramsey:She's got like an obese dog. You know when you're like, how are you? Your dog's fucking over there. Taking to the vets at night, like it's really overweight. And it's like, what the fuck? Take on a fucking run. The dog's like, why are you so thin and I'm fat as fuck? That's the thing. You've got to monitor what they, they won't stop. I know, greedy. They won't stop fucking eating. You could drop a block of cheese the size of a fucking PlayStation 5 in front of a dog and it would scram the entire thing. That's why I like my dogs. You see yourself in them. Because the dog would be like... The dog would be like, Rosie, you enjoy them minstrels.

1:04:14It would, yeah.

1:04:15Rosie Ramsey:It would, it would. You enjoy them. Yeah, I'm not a cat.

1:04:22Rosie Ramsey:I've had a bloody lovely time. I've had such a laugh. Love you. Such a laugh. Love you. Thank you for listening. I love all you guys listening, but not in the same way that I love my wife. but close, close. I'll share you. Great. Guys, thank you so much for listening. If you want to send in an email, it is shagmoudanoid at gmail.com. That's for a long form email. If you want to send a voice note to the WhatsApp, it's 07-874-406650. And while you're on your phone, go samsycomedy.com and see you from in your area over the next few months and come and see us live. Yeah, please do. Back in the years next week.

1:04:53Rosie Ramsey:Bye. Bye. This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at ChatGPT.com by selecting work mode available on Plus and Pro Plans. Espolon Tequila. It arrives in a cloud of feathers with a cry to wake the dead. Espolon Tequila. Balanced, delicious, perfect for nights out, nights in, and people who like to drink tequila.

1:05:39Rosie Ramsey:Just add ice, lime, and your mouth. Then hold on time. 100 % agave, 0 % ego. Espolon Tequila. For a real margarita, ride the rooster. Espolon Tequila, 40 % alcohol by volume, 80 proof. Copyright 2026. Compile America, New York, New York. Drink responsibly. I'm not giving up. I am selling the building. The final season of FX is the bear. The restaurant is flooded. Everything's either going to be okay. No, stop. Or not. We are outgunned and we are outmanned. We have each other. FX is the bear. The final season. All episodes now streaming on Disney+.