Bumper Christmas Best Off

7:05Rosie Ramsey:Do you?

7:06Barry Beef:Yeah, because I go on the mom and dad rule.

7:08Rosie Ramsey:Oh, right. Okay.

7:09Barry Beef:Yeah. Because we're mom and dad.

7:11Rosie Ramsey:Right.

7:11Barry Beef:So it's, you know, Robin's mom and dad, Rafe's mom and dad, Rosie Chris, Rosie Chris.

7:16Rosie Ramsey:Oh, get in. Oh, well, that makes me feel better.

7:18Barry Beef:There you go.

7:19Rosie Ramsey:The only time I ever don't is when I'm writing it to your mom and dad.

7:22Barry Beef:This is the worst quiz I've ever done.

7:25Rosie Ramsey:I think your mom and dad probably don't want my name first. Do you know what I mean? I don't think they give a fuck. They probably don't, but in my head, I'd be like, you're not my kid.

7:35Barry Beef:Wow, so when our kids get married, our partners, if the partner's name's first on the card, you're going to be raging.

7:41Rosie Ramsey:Like, not raging, but I'd probably go, I didn't have you. have to have that kind of time on my hands to worry about that kind of stuff. I mean, it would only be a fleeting thought, and then I'd be done. A fleeting thought that you've thought about probably 15 years in advance. Yes. At least. Christmas cards. Pointless.

7:57Barry Beef:Waste of time. Stop doing them.

7:59Rosie Ramsey:Well, the one from King Charles.

8:02Barry Beef:Yeah.

8:03Rosie Ramsey:It's not arrived. Oh. I'm fully blown off the list. Oh, it's going to an old house. I've got no idea.

8:09Barry Beef:Oh, of course. Yeah. Because he did Prince's Trust?

8:12Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. It would have been King Charles this year.

8:15Barry Beef:It would have been a card from King Charles.

8:18Rosie Ramsey:I fucked it, Chris. Absolutely fucked it.

8:23Barry Beef:I'll give Jeff a ring. He might know him. Jeff might know him.

8:27Rosie Ramsey:Why do you keep saying that you know Jeff Bezos? It's so weird. I feel like I'm manifesting it. Is that the word? Manifesting it? I feel like if I talk about it enough, I reckon he's just going to knock on the door one day and just go, the universe said you want to be my mate. The universe is powerful, but I don't think it's that powerful. But you never know. Listen, stranger things have happened. Yep. it's time for watch your beef Merry fucking Christmas Chris

8:53Barry Beef:hello Barry alright alright mate here this time of year me like do you oh yeah here it why cause it's just full of people enjoying themselves having a good time disgusting so you don't like your Barry no I don't like Christmas there's loads of people in your local pub and you're angry. It's busy. It's busy as fuck. Can I get the bar for me pint of drip?

9:28I've got to go. See you. I might not see you later. I do want to see you later. Can I fucking stand your face?

9:35Barry Beef:I can see an X-rated, not like X-rated just for the language, not a sexy one. I can see an after hours remake of A Christmas Carol starring Barry Beef. How good would that be?

9:47Rosie Ramsey:That would be, I would go and see that.

9:49Barry Beef:I would definitely go and see that. You can't go and see it because you'll be in it. It'll be a one man slash one woman play. It'll just be you doing it.

9:55Rosie Ramsey:Okay. I'm up for that. Let's do it. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. Hello. Hello, Chris. Oh, shit. Hello. Just wanted to say Merry Christmas. Hiya. Thank you. Merry Christmas to you too. Another one round the blocks, tell ya. Another one bites the dust. Another year. Another year. Every year for 10 years they've said you won't be here next year, but then I say you can fuck off, I will.

10:27Barry Beef:Well, congratulations. Thank you very much. Very well done. Got yourself something nice, have you? Got myself something nice? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. Not buy yourself any presents, Chris? No, you buy them for other people. Oh, that's a bit sad, isn't it? sad that you have to buy them for yourself. Well, every year I buy myself a little present. Alright then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What did you get yourself this year? 100 fags.

10:52Was that last you half an hour? Yeah, period, niggas. Because I still have them. Do you? Aye. How old are you exactly, Belinda? Can't remember.

11:07I can only assume that was a quick worry in case there was any contradictory facts dropped in there still need them though alright okay it's not always red it's just a bit brown but there's definitely something still going are you not just shitting yourself the cogs are still turning the womb is still awake

11:25Barry Beef:are you not just shitting yourself no that would be good China you might be running down the front oh hey disgusting disgusting little lad you're right Merry Christmas bye

11:43Rosie Ramsey:I couldn't be arsed I wasn't in it I wasn't fully in it I don't think I'll ever get sick of the dead phone line that literally doesn't it doesn't happen anymore I've never I haven't heard a dead phone line for years I know I've got to say I'm loving you know the crown we're watching the crown at the minute I just love watching people on phones again like house phones it's really nice do you know what I mean though what a strange thing to say it's getting nostalgic get in the game with the college branded Venmo debit card wreck your team with every tap and earn up to five percent cash back with Venmo stash a new rewards program from Venmo no monthly fee no minimum balance just school pride and spending power get in the game and sign up for the Venmo debit card at Venmo.com slash college card.

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13:42Rosie Ramsey:My beef with you is currently your farts are absolutely putrid. And I know it's the protein. It's the protein bars. Chris, they've gone turbo. They are disgusting.

13:57Barry Beef:Okay. Wow.

13:59Rosie Ramsey:Shocking. Wow. On the flight, remember we flew to London last week. We took Air Robin for a little weekend in London. It was lovely. I thought it was the bloke next to us, right? And I turned to you and I was like, oh my fucking God. They put me jumper over my nose and you smiled. And I was like, it's you? First of all, you should know my brand. Very offensive. No, it's changed. Very offensive. It's changed because of the protein. That was the flight back. you'd had two nights in the hotel with my farts right? The horrible? Yeah So you should have recognised it on that plane Are you cheating? Are you cheating on me?

14:31With someone else?

14:32Rosie Ramsey:Because you don't know my farts Oh my god, imagine if that's how you found out someone was cheating on you

14:37Barry Beef:I found out she was cheating because she didn't recognise me farts anymore Oprah Awful

14:45Rosie Ramsey:It's really bad though Is that what it is? I don't know what it was That's the only thing that's changed in your diet Not since then? No, Chris, it's so bad. Pressure? It's so bad. Turbulence. Clean food? Stop. Okay. My beef with you, speaking of planes, we were in the airport the other day. You've done this multiple times now. I'm starting to get sick of it. It's almost the new lamps and sofas. We were in the airport, and you came up to us. You'd just been to the shop, and you came up to us with a furry white bucket hat. And you went, I've just bought this, isn't it lush? and I went and the little bit of hesitation you were like oh oh look at you you're not adventurous look at you you're pathetic you're boring you're not adventurous you're horrible to me you're gaslighting us you're this you're that all the ones that you normally throw about and I just said I said look you'll not wear it you've done it again you've bought another hat right remember you bought one you always buy them on holiday you wear them now and then then you stop but holiday is fair enough it's like a different world You bought that green one that looked like Indiana Jones' dad's hat.

15:54Never wore that. And then this one, this new one that you've bought, it looks like it's straight out of the East 17 Stay Another Day video. Stay Now! Yeah, with a white puffer jacket and that on. Yeah, like Kevin and Perry Christmas special. And we had an argument in the airport, because you're like, oh, you're such a prick. You're such a prick to me. Stuffed your little hat in your bag. You're such a prick. I went, right, okay. I went, look, if you're going to wear it, I'm sure it'll be nice. Next day, we're in the hotel. Freezing cold outside. I went you went and put my hat on I went you put your new bucket hat on you went no I went why you went it doesn't suit us I went you shouldn't have bought it should you

16:31Rosie Ramsey:you're so horrible though there it is I'm a fucking realist man honestly the fact that you were just gone to all weekend you were like you're putting your new hat on shut up it's because I'll wear this hat when I'm ready to wear it which will probably be never yes stop buying them no fancy dress yeah that's all it's a stop it I don't know what goes through your head I really love hats right and I get when I see someone wearing a hat I just think you look mint I can't wear them without feeling stupid and I blame no I blame where we're from

17:07Barry Beef:right okay what you need to do is listen you need to go up next time you see someone wearing a hat go up and say can I ask you two questions please one where's your hat from I really like it they'll tell you and you see a second question can I just measure your head because I have got a tiny little pay head and that'll look ridiculous with a hat on. So if your head is anywhere near bigger than mine, which it probably is, I'm going to retract my statement about your hat and I'm going to leave. Right?

17:30Rosie Ramsey:Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba! Hi, Chris and Rosie. I have wanted to send this email in for a while now and after hearing you were doing Christmas questions from the public, I thought it was the right time to send this in. Please keep me anonymous though. Suspicious. I've been with my partner for almost nine years now, but three years into our relationship, I was invited to the in-laws for a Sunday roast. Let's say they are a bit grim. Anyway. What? They are a bit grim, apparently. Oh, man. But I went with it to be polite. Whilst I was there, my father-in-law was preparing the veg. Whilst doing so, I was watching the sweat dripping down his forehead and into the water where the vegetables were.

18:16Oh, God. Yeah. Oh, God.

18:18Rosie Ramsey:This already made me feel sick. Then to add to that, he then started to wipe his brow with a tea towel that was then used again to dry the mugs my mother-in-law had just washed. Motherfucker. The twits. Disgusting. Who is this pig of a man? Jesus. Oh, yeah.

18:40Barry Beef:Jeff, have you got the tea towel? The tea towel? That's me bollock rag. Fucking filth bag. I'm not even that arsed about the sweat dropping in the water because of the water, because the veg, if they're going to get boiled, it'll kill the germs. Boil it off, yeah. It'll be a bit more salty, but that'll be fine. But they're dry in their mugs.

19:00Rosie Ramsey:Oh, God alive. So he wiped his sweat off and then they dried the mugs. I mean, how the mugs dried, they must have been saturated. What as well? What the hell's the matter with this man? Why is he sweating so much? Some people do. What's he cutting them with a fucking saw? Well, I'm guessing he's probably not the fittest person.

19:17Barry Beef:Right. sorry if you sweat while cutting veg if you are out of breath and sweat I'm not the fittest guy in the world but if you're out of breath and sweating while cutting veg something needs to be done

19:27Rosie Ramsey:maybe the room's hot maybe the kitchen gets hot

19:30Barry Beef:open a window change your t-shirt do not pick up the communal kitchen fucking tea towel and give yourself a once over with it

19:39Rosie Ramsey:you hack hack you ready though my problem doesn't end there though this year for the first time since we've been together, I have been invited there for our Christmas dinner. Good God. Our children obviously want to go as they adore their grandparents, but I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself. Firstly, I don't want my children eating sweaty mash or carrots. And to be honest, neither do I. How the hell do I get out of this? I suggested... Wow, she's really wanting to get out of this. I suggested going out for dinner, but everywhere around us is now booked up. Help. She really doesn't want to go for that sweaty Christmas dinner.

20:18Barry Beef:Again, some people who email in are so lovely and kind and considerate. I know. She's obviously not one to upset her husband there. If that was us, Rosie, you would have literally walked back in the room and went, Senior dad, monkey bastard, right beneath his blue hair. We're never going there again. Oh, yeah. Do it sods.

20:35Rosie Ramsey:You'd be like your mum and dad would have invited for our dinner. I'd say, well, I'm not flipping gan to sweaterama Christmas sweat dinner. Yeah, I wouldn't be going there either. No, thank you.

20:43Barry Beef:Do you know what I mean? absolutely vile oh my god what should you do well it right okay i'm gonna this is hard right because

20:51Rosie Ramsey:part of us is like oh that's horrible and i think it's worse because it's not her dad yeah but i grew up in a house with a lovely house so loving so lush but i'm sure i remember maybe it's not the teat out but i think i remember seeing my dad dabby's pits with like a kitchen roll or something and I think I'm just like maybe I'm a bit numb to it because to me yes it's bad it's not that bad

21:19Barry Beef:what did he do with the kitchen roll after he dabbed his face like you put it in the bin right then did he wash his hands fucking hell what's going on me dad like men does me dad listen to this podcast probably not

21:31Rosie Ramsey:bless me dad I love my dad a bit by the way but my dad was one of them dads where he never had he's not like got a great physique right he didn't have the best physique grown up like not horrific but you know like not you had didn't didn't wasn't a good six-pack dad like lush dad right like me you mean yeah well yeah he just would constantly not have a top on to the point where when my mates were coming around i'd be like dad put a top on and then he'd be like oh for god's sake me mom would be like jerek put a top on our friends are coming The best part for me there is Izzy's reaction. Dad, the simplest of requests, Dad put a top on.

22:10Oh, for God's sake. Hey, the bloody trauma. I am chastised in this house, for God's sake. I've been at work all day.

22:20Rosie Ramsey:I just want to sit on the sofa with me top off. Can I not sit of an evening with me top off with a bit of kitchen roll in each pit and enjoy myself. Enjoy the house I mortgaged up the eyeballs for, for God's sake. What did he want to leave his top off for? Were young girls coming round? He just hated having a top on. Honestly, it wasn't just when people would come round, just every night. Like a toddler. Every night. Like a toddler. Like a toddler not wanting clothes on. No, they're too tight, I don't like them. I've seen my dad's nipples more than I've seen me on.

23:00Rosie Ramsey:Honestly, I must ask him why he just used to sit with his top off all the time.

23:04Barry Beef:Oh, make sure I'm not there when you do.

23:06Rosie Ramsey:He must have just been hot all the time.

23:12Barry Beef:Fuck me.

23:15Rosie Ramsey:Hi, Rosie and Chris. A few years back, a friend of mine, let's call him George. Great. Right? Was getting the table set for Christmas dinner when he got the Christmas horn and felt the urge to sort himself out in the bathroom. Sorry, stop right there. The Christmas horn. The Christmas horn, apparently something. I don't know. What's the Christmas horn? Something that someone has made up. Sorry, you can't just put Christmas before something and make it festive, especially not horn. You can't just, oh, I've got the Christmas horn. What is that? Jingle bell end? You can't do that. Can you imagine that?

23:49Rosie Ramsey:Like, just any time you felt horn, you're like, oh, just had a baby horn.

23:53Barry Beef:Oh, God, yeah. I've got the pancake day horn. Fucking Christmas horn. Anyway, what did this animal do?

24:03Rosie Ramsey:He's got the Christmas horn. On Christmas Day. Can I just say, Mate. Baby Jesus' birthday. He's just going up to pleasure himself. Horrible. Locked up. Some of them are horrible. Locked up. I'm distraught by these. He got the Christmas horn and felt the urge to sort himself out in the bathroom. His wife got suspicious and went to see what he was up to. So he stopped laying the dinner table, got the Christmas horn, and went upstairs to the bathroom for a wank on Christmas Day. Left the Christmas table and went for a wank. What? He's a fucking animal. This man is a pervert. He's disgusting. What are you fucking turned on by?

24:41What are you turned on by? Yule logs? Holly wreaths? Put the crackers out and think, I'm going to pull my own cracker in the toilet. I think I will. Chestnuts roast on an open fire. Don't say white chestnuts. Baby, it's cold outside. It's warm in here.

24:57Barry Beef:Honestly. honestly god alive what's he doing jingle bells jingle bells jingle me jingle me come to the bathroom jingle me bells what are you i'm pissed i'm a little bit pissed yeah yeah yeah right merry christmas um so so she

25:16Rosie Ramsey:waited for him to finish and she says to him oh that's lovely that isn't it joe says what you on about. She says, that's a lovely present you've given the toilet on Christmas morning, isn't it? That toilet! That toilet! And apparently he was mortified. So, and that's the end of the story. Love the show.

25:46I just love it.

25:47Barry Beef:That's incredible. The Christmas horn. Have you had the Christmas horn? Email Shagmarinoid at gmail.com Babadoo babadoo babadoo

25:54Rosie Ramsey:Hello Rosie and Chris Please keep me anonymous I'll be as quick as I can That's what she said Great The Christmas break of my first year at uni I couldn't wait to meet up with my friend and catch up on everything we'd been up to We'd arranged to go to the local village pub so off we went for a Christmas Eve drink My older brother and his mates were also in the pub and we enjoyed a load of festive drinks together Get in My friend volunteered to get the next round for us she'd been gone a good while but i could see the bar was a bit busy and that was okay and that she was okay sorry as the crowd thinned my brother noticed she was stood next to his mate who was coincidentally also taking quite a long time to bring their beers back this sparked my interest as she was known to be a bit of a fast mover so i moved so i could see her better

26:42Barry Beef:i could not fast mover yeah lovely lovely phrasing what do you mean me it's a slag She's a fast mover.

26:50Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. Fantastic. I could not believe my eyes.

26:54Barry Beef:No. I know what you're going to say.

26:56Rosie Ramsey:Her hand left the bar and moved down and towards the zip of his jeans. With his eyes set squarely on the beer mat in front of him, her elbow started to move up and down and in increasingly rapid movements. Nah. The elbow action unmistakable. My friend was indeed wanking my brother's friend off at the bar. That's horrendous. In plain sight of everyone in there. Obviously, I immediately turned to my brother, both hoping and not hoping that he'd seen. Oh, he had. And so had all seven of his mates who were all stood completely agog, mouths open and udder shook, apoplectic with disbelief and excitement.

27:42Rosie Ramsey:Can you imagine? Is she? Is she? Is she? That's me. Wanked off at the bar in the village pub. Not even a nightclub. No. The speed of her elbow increased. Our breath hitched. We waited for the inevitable conclusion. He finished. She stopped. And all of his maids, including my brother, cheered the fucking pub down.

28:04Barry Beef:No way.

28:05Rosie Ramsey:I was mortified, horrified, and pissing myself laughing. What the actual fuck? There is one small detail that makes this story a little bit worse. We were all in the bar side of the pub where there was more standing room and more people our sort of age. Right. The pub had a horseshoe bar serving two sides. Ours and then opposite with the optics in the middle was the lounge side. Yeah. Sat at the bar of the lounge side was our Lyft who had driven us there and was going to drive us home. Yes, it was her dad. Ah, no! I don't believe he saw anything but my god like with these kind of people I can't believe they find each other like girl who wants to wank lad off at bar finds lad who's perfectly happy with being wanked off at bar would you let somebody wank you off at the bar absolutely not no and what like they weren't kissing they weren't embraced there was nothing going on he's just standing there and she's just fucking cleaning a door handle.

29:11Rosie Ramsey:We've talked about this so many times. I'll never understand. Whenever I've met up with lasses sometimes and they're like, oh my God, I met this lad, gave him a blowjob. And I'm like, yeah. Yeah. And I'm like, that's it. Yeah. You just gave him a blowjob. You just put a screen just penis in your mouth. What? What pleasure is she getting out from just whacking some lad off at the bar?

29:33Barry Beef:And where did he jizz? Why have they not said that?

29:35Rosie Ramsey:No, I don't know. Why has that not been? in a hand. Merry, merry, merry Christmas. Nah. It's just, oh. I'm dreaming of a white bar stool. Oh, God. Hey guys, so my dad is a legend. An idiot, but nonetheless a legend of a special kind. My fiancé strives to be like him and even contemplates the new saying, What Would Jackie Do? So he's called Jackie? I'm guessing so. Right, okay. Some examples of the legend's behaviour includes buying me an Atkinson's diet book for my 18th birthday, then proceeding to throw me out of the house when I naturally got upset, calling me ungrateful. Wow. It sounds like a dick.

30:24Rosie Ramsey:He bought her an Atkinson's diet book for her 18th birthday. 18. Wow. And then booted her out when she was kicking off. And it says, then for Christmas... I feel like you go, what would Jackie do?

30:38Barry Beef:And you do the opposite.

30:39Rosie Ramsey:What do you mean?

30:40Barry Beef:They're saying that he's a bit of a legend and you're like, what would, now people say, what would Jackie do? But I feel like you could say, what would Jackie do? And then you would just not do that.

30:48Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Then for Christmas, buying my mum a petrel voucher for her present to essentially drive him around. He doesn't drive. A petrel voucher. It says there are hundreds of Jackie-isms, but I thought I'd share this one with you as it's Christmas themed.

31:04Barry Beef:A petrel voucher. for Christmas?

31:08Rosie Ramsey:It's worse than an air fryer, that.

31:10Barry Beef:Hey, don't you dare. You ungrateful fucker.

31:14Rosie Ramsey:So, I'm from a large family. Five brothers, sisters, me and 13 grandkids were Irish. Every Christmas, along with their present, my mum would buy all the children and grandchildren a selection box. Given she needed loads, she would buy them early and place them up high above the kitchen with the traditional mother of the 90s saying, don't touch them there for Christmas. That was a Scottish one, eh? I don't know what that was. Pretty much the beginning of Christmas in my house, the bulk buying. Why can't I do an Irish accent? Can you do one?

31:46Barry Beef:I don't want to be put on the spot.

31:47Rosie Ramsey:Go on, you can. No. Don't touch them there for Christmas in Irish. I don't want to. Come on. No! Stop it! This is horrible. Stop forcing us. Now, Jackie doesn't have a sweet tooth. He's a meat and veg man. But... I was going to say, I'm going to put it out there now. I don't like Jackie.

32:11I've heard three things about him, right? Four things. I've heard everyone thinks he's a legend, which, let's be honest, normally means he's a fucking cunt, right? You tell me now.

32:20Rosie Ramsey:You can't say a cunt in the Christmas special. You tell me now, people, how many times have you heard someone's a legend and you've met them and you've been devastated? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Devastated. And you've wanted to go, does everyone need their fucking head look? at because this person that you've bigged up to me is the biggest fucking knob I have ever, is this a wind up? Is this a joke? Have you just hired a professional fucking prick? Yeah so one, yeah buying the petal voucher ridiculous, buying your 18 year old daughter an Atkins book, getting the fin son horrendous, and then the fact that he's a meat and veg man, get out look, no he's Rabsy Nesbitt essentially.

33:04I've never told this story actually. Obviously I'm not going to say any names. But a comedian went to a comedian friend of mine's house years ago because sometimes when if you're in the area and you're doing a gig for someone sometimes they'll be like, you know, they'll either get you dinner or you'd go to the house for dinner. Something like that. And he went to the house and his wife said, oh, I've just made spaghetti bolognese. Do you want spaghetti bolognese? And this comedian said, no, I don't want any of that foreign muck. I'll have egg and chips. so one foreign muck what fucking planet are you on two no I'll not have that meal you've prepared I will make you make something else I'll not have that thing because I'm clearly some kind of I mean the mad maddest form of racism I think I've ever heard in your life that spaghetti bolognese it's literally a British meal like it's been it's so British like it is now but I guarantee if you made like you know if you've got some old you know old grade grandmother from Sicily and you gave her spaghetti bolognese for a marketer you're fucking sick everywhere well it's like

34:06Rosie Ramsey:Indian people with chicken tita masala yeah they'd be like the fuck is that what have you done

34:11Barry Beef:our beautiful food

34:12Rosie Ramsey:yeah yeah yeah

34:12Barry Beef:and then yeah oh no I'll not have any of that because of me backward beliefs but I will now make you make a different meal for me

34:20Rosie Ramsey:egg and chips as well

34:21Barry Beef:egg and chips

34:22Rosie Ramsey:horrendous

34:23Barry Beef:what fucking year is it

34:25Rosie Ramsey:Jackie's a meat and veg man right but occasionally he does go on a Jackie binge of a late evening while watching sport. Oh, God, I hate it! Oh, God! Oh, Ty! Oh, no, this is her dad. She loves him. Okay, well, look. Look, I'm just giving me opinions. Yeah, no, everyone's got a tosser in the family. Yeah. Yeah, it's all good. This binge... Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. Right, okay. What a ledge. This binge is normally preceded by a 2 a.m. vomit.

35:00Rosie Ramsey:and sorry if we go back the email is this not a dog I don't know but then so he has a Jackie binge right after he's meeting two binge and then it's it's preceded by a 2am vomit and a why the fuck didn't you stop me eating them rant at my mum in brackets Jackie blameless of course of course

35:21Barry Beef:he's a menace

35:22Rosie Ramsey:yeah so a few days before Christmas me and my mum started the mountain of present wrapping finally after hours of wrapping and Christmas films we had nearly finished and each family presents were in separate bags to be delivered to all the different houses on Christmas Eve. My mum goes to the kitchen to get all the selection boxes to pop in each family's sack. When I hear her call me in and she says, Nicky, you'll not believe what that idiot has done. That was better. Thank you. She handed me a rather light selection box but it had been glued closed like untouched. She keeps being glued back together.

35:57Rosie Ramsey:As I proceeded to open it, the idiot had not only eaten all the chocolate, but he had replaced it with... Mysteries, mysteries, jingles, jingles. Oh, okay. So Jackie's been on a binge. Let's look at the facts here.

36:13Barry Beef:He's a meat and two veg guy. Yeah. He wants you to watch what you're eating. Okay, so what's he replaced it with? Nuts.

36:21Rosie Ramsey:Is that what you're going for? Yeah, or dog biscuits. Right, okay.

36:25Barry Beef:Dog biscuits.

36:26Rosie Ramsey:Right, as I proceeded to open it, the idiot had only eaten all the chocolate but he had replaced it with bread

36:35Rosie Ramsey:white bread

36:42Rosie Ramsey:in the hope my mum wouldn't find out but Jack need not at all worry and his grandkids will be crying Christmas day when they opened it to bread there's your bread box kids there's your bread box have your bread box what's this granddad A selection box for the ducks. That's a selection box. Oh, God, it makes that selection box for the ducks. Oh, Grandy, you're such a legend. Apologies to everyone about these accents. That's amazing. We never told him. We never told him. And he still didn't confess up. Right, well, he has the problem. Even when delivering the presents. He has the problem. You're letting this man get away with murder here.

37:18And you're not telling him, and you're calling him a legend. He doesn't know. He's like an untrained dog. The dog doesn't know. It's like the dog's shot on the rug, and you go, good boy.

37:27Rosie Ramsey:yeah bread but do you know what it is it's give us a laugh and I'm sure he's got bread I'm sure he's got a heart of gold I'm sure he has obviously I'm joking yes we are probably you know if you listen to this and you have no if you've sent this in you know how I feel you know I don't really hate him for comic effect I hate him I'm sure he's harried I'm sure he's harried but when presented with the fact in my defence here as well the stuff she put forward for him being a legend was pick different stories. He gave bone marrow. He jumped in front of a bus and saved someone. Not he gave us an Atkins thing and I left the house and he kicked us out of the house and he gave me my petal vote.

38:09Put some good stuff in. I can only work with what I've been given. Don't call him a legend and then tell us them two stories and expect me to go, oh, God, yeah. But hey, listen,

38:17Rosie Ramsey:have a lovely Christmas and we'll see you in the coming of Glasgow. Get some brilliant. 2023, so we'll see you there. Bring Jackie. No, no, no, no, no, no. I hope you enjoy your bread election boxes this year. This is Dr. Joyce Esther, president of Governor State University, where we believe that a high quality education should be affordable, exceptional and achievable for every student. Our programs are nationally recognized and our faculty are invested in your success. And our tuition remains one of the most affordable in Illinois. Whether you're preparing for a new career or advancing in the one you love, GovState is here to help you rise.

38:53Registration is now open. visit govst.edu. Governor State University, affordable, exceptional, achievable.

39:02Barry Beef:Okay, so we're coming up with a new Christmas version of the Let's Talk About Shit jingle. Here we go. Let's talk about shit, baby. Let's talk about who and we. Let's talk about all the good shit. Christmas. All the bad shit that have been. Let's talk about shit. Let's talk about shit. Christmas. With a little bit of shit. Let's talk about shit. Have a Christmas shit. I think that went really well. Why do people listen to this? I don't know. It's horrific.

39:46Rosie Ramsey:All right. Heavens above. I've had some wonderful poo stories. Really? But like I said, I'm only doing one a week because it's just... I mean, to be fair, the people seem to love them. I get messages all the time and I get Twitters. What are they called? Tweets. I get tweets of people saying... Twitters. Hello, 85-year-old woman who I do a podcast with. Twitters. I get Twitters. I get tweets.

40:10Barry Beef:I get Twitters off all of the little birdies out there. Spoken to one man, he was just an egg. He's photo, he was an egg. God, Jesus.

40:17Rosie Ramsey:No, I get tweets of people saying, can you just do an episode of all the poo stories? And we could. Yeah, let's release a book.

40:24Barry Beef:A Shad, Married and Shit book and it's just all of the poo stories collated.

40:28Rosie Ramsey:Let's do it. You're going to love this one. Okay. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Every week after listening to the Talk About Shit segment on your podcast, I have intended to email. Please keep this story anonymous as it is work-related.

40:43Barry Beef:Amazing.

40:43Rosie Ramsey:This happened to me about a decade ago. I'm laughing because I only read this about 20 minutes ago. It's so really fresh and it's beautiful. this happened to me about a decade ago now so I doubt the patient in question remembers me or this consultation wow so this is a doctor holy fuck this is good this is a doctor this is already good but I still tell this story as it ranks as one of the best patient experiences I've ever had wow one day I had a fella come to see me about a problem he was having with his legs I asked all the questions I needed to and then we got down to the actual task of looking at his legs.

41:26Just sorry, the way that's been said. It's like, just like deliberately avoided not even looking anyway. So it's like, can you stand behind this bench please so I can't see your legs and answer all these questions. Right, come out and show me your legs.

41:38Rosie Ramsey:Show me your legs now. I asked, as I always did, if he had underwear on beneath his trousers. You'd be surprised how many don't. God, God. And he confidently said yes and just dropped his trousers where he stood before I could ask him to move to the examining couch. As he dropped them, a massive shit fell out of the trousers and landed with an actual thud

42:07Rosie Ramsey:on the thankfully tiled floor between us.

42:11Barry Beef:Oh my God.

42:12Rosie Ramsey:It was huge and rock solid. We silently both looked between each other and the shit for what felt like ages before he said I wondered where that had went Oh,

42:41oh there it is

42:46I wondered wondered like he just gave up looking after two seconds he then proceeded

42:56Rosie Ramsey:to talk on about the rash on his legs and ignoring the massive poo sat on the floor between us

43:09Rosie Ramsey:I very quickly told him he needed to get his shit off my floor. He was surprisingly horrified that I was asking him to move it and said I was his doctor and I should be clearing it up. I obviously told him no chance. I pointed to the rubber gloves and the hand towels beside the sink and told him to get on with it.

43:34Barry Beef:Underwear that way. I love the fact that just clunk, shit hits the floor. Oh, wonder where that went. so what it is is it's like a burning you know i've been putting cream on it sorry can you pick your massive fucking turd up off me for you animal he was gagging as he lifted the shit he had created

43:55Rosie Ramsey:and forgotten about and was being very critical of me not helping and the state of the nhs and my lack of help somehow reflected. State of the NHS! The state of the NHS! I don't bloody pay taxes for you to watch me pick this shit up.

44:17Rosie Ramsey:Unsurprisingly, I didn't feel bad about this. He then walked over to the waste paper bin beneath my desk and tried to throw it in there. Sorry. He tried to put it in our bin. Don't put your turn trying to put it in the bin you fucking dirty bastard. At this point I started to lose my cool a little bit and told him there was no way he was leaving his shit in there for me to have to look at it and smell it all day. And that It didn't so look at so it didn't even have a lid. The bin didn't even have a lid. It was an open bin. It was an open bin that he wanted to put his rock hard lump of shit in that he'd forgotten was in his pants.

45:06Rosie Ramsey:and I told him that the right place to put it was the toilet he moaned at how the toilet was all the way through the waiting room and he didn't want to see him bringing it there put it back in your pants then you dirty fucker I told him as politely as I could that this wasn't my problem so he put an extra bit of paper around it and put it in his pocket to do it later.

45:33Barry Beef:Fuck off, man. That's weird. Put it in his pocket to do it later.

45:36Rosie Ramsey:To put it to get rid of it later.

45:38Barry Beef:Oh, my God.

45:39Rosie Ramsey:To this day, I have no idea if he ever went and put it straight in the loo and he never came to see me again. I would not be surprised if he'd forgotten about it again and some poor, unsuspecting cashier got handed a boot instead of a fiver in a shop somewhere.

46:00I think we found the most gross man in Britain. I think we found the most disgusting individual.

46:10Rosie Ramsey:No, do you know? Do you know I watched Embarrassing Bodies once, right? And this... There was a man on there. There was a man that went on Embarrassing Bodies and he was like, I just constantly have skid marks in my pants and I've just always got poo on the inside of my underwear. I don't know what's going on. The man was like, all right, let's have a look. They had a look. He was like, there's nothing wrong with you. You just need to wipe your arse properly.

46:45Barry Beef:Fucking hell. And there's just people out there who are... Right, I have got so many questions. How did it end up in his pants? So he had underpants on. But then trousers.

46:56Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, I think so.

46:57Barry Beef:And then the shit just ended up, and just in a nonchalant fashion of, oh, I wonder where that went. So somehow he had a shit, and it ended up in between his underpants and his pants, to the point of where he pulled his pants. Didn't know where it would go. Like, how much of a filthy, dirty, horrible sod do you have to be to misplace a turd in your own pants? How busy are you? How busy are you?

47:22Rosie Ramsey:I don't think he's busy. honestly don't think he's busy at all. I think he's just disgusting.

47:28Barry Beef:God. Do you know what he said, though? What? I heard that. He actually left his trousers. He left his trousers at the doctor and he said, keep them, actually, because it gets boiling in the kitchen. I've got to go and back and make Christmas dinner for the in-laws.

47:43Rosie Ramsey:It's the same, man.

47:53Do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do-do.