Bumper Summer Best Of - Part Five

0:00I just want to give you the space to process it, Michael said. Elena paused. I don't think I want to see anybody else. This is the love story of real hinge couple Elena and Michael, written and read by me, Raven Smith. Listen to the free audiobook now. This episode is brought to you by Facebook. So you were scrolling on Marketplace, and there it was, the bike you'd been searching for. You sent a message, and it turned out the seller was super chatty. kind of funny and an avid cyclist the next thing you know you're in a cycling crew well a community cycling group the thing about facebook you might find more than what you're looking for from a browse to a bike ride this summer find more on facebook hello you're listening to shag married annoyed best of summer bumper best of summer bumper best of bump-a-thon.

0:55I said it completely wrong. What's it called? Bump I saw my best of. There we go. That's the one. There we go. Bump I saw my best of. Hey, again, we hope you're having an absolutely cracking summer and we hope you're enjoying little trips down memory lane all packaged up in the little best bits for you. We're so fucking kind. It's just, honestly, it makes me heart bleed. This is one of my favourite stories ever on this week's episode. Oh, you're very excited for one of the questions of the public on this one. Yeah. I don't want to spoil it in case people haven't listened, but it's basically, involves a mother, a grown man on his wedding day, and some tits sucking.

1:30Okay, she gave the whole thing away. Okay, sorry. Great. Absolutely. I mean, you, what a, you would fold under a derogation of music. No, but it's brilliant. That was shocking. It's brilliant. Yeah, it's a really, really good question from the public, that one. Also, we're talking about Sandra taking free stuff, which she still does. Still loves it. To this day. Cannot stop herself. Absolutely unbelievable. weirdly now this is exciting you talk about in this one you talk about wanting to renew your vows oh my gosh is this still something you'd like to do no there it is I knew it I fucking knew it absolutely not nah can't be asked gone out the window do you know what it is we've got our 40th next year I think that's more important than doing vows very exciting let's renew our vows let's do it oh god oh I tell you what right right brainstorm here it is right yeah 40th We'll renew revows.

2:21Yeah. We'll both get baptised. I'm already baptised. Well, do it again. We'll bump us on my baptise, yeah? And what else? And we'll have the party. And we'll get tattoos. Oh, God. Let's all just have a midlife. I'll get my tits done. There it is. For the party. Let's all have a little... Tattoo. Oh, a tit job, you mean. Not a tattoo. I'll get some turkey teeth. I'll get some turkey teeth. Great. I can't wait. It's going to be a good year with the Ramsey house. Very excited for this. But we really hope that you are enjoying the best ofs And here you go Thank you and enjoy and you're welcome And there you are We had a fight about the jingle We couldn't settle on a jingle So this is the jingle We hope you like the jingle Jing Jing Jing Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba.

3:17Jingo! Hello, you're listening to Shag Marianoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, nah, them votes are rigged, Chris Ramsey. The votes are rigged, the people are enjoying my dancing. You're still in. The people are enjoying it. Hey, tell you what, let's get ready to rumble. I was buzzing with that. It was bloody brilliant, well done. I'll leave whenever now, I don't even care if I get kicked out. You've had your moment, haven't you? I've had it, I've had the moment, I've had, hey, guess what, that wasn't, hey, all the judges went hey for once Chris that wasn't shit hey hang on these paddles do work oh look there's numbers bigger than five on these suckers oh was that the highest you'd ever had five no I think I'd had a seven before a six maybe but I'd never had a nine two eights and another nine lovely jubbly that like boozas woozas well done yes yes this is episode 39 39 39 bitches guys honestly thank you so much for listening still we still can't believe it we're sitting in the kitchen doing it do you know what Rosie do you know what I was thinking just as we started this podcast what were you thinking how many other and I'm not bragging here but how many other of the top podcasters in the UK how many other of them start their podcast and sit down at the table and do what I've just done which is had to take some cold broccoli off their foot that their toddler had just dropped previously before I put them to bed a little present there's literally cold broccoli on me heel on my foot and I've just scraped it off vitamin C for me heel It'll go through the heel Absorbed through the heel And it'll end up on your liver Somehow You're definitely not a doctor So you're welcome Why is it going on my liver?

4:51Why is it going through my heel And it'll end up on my liver? Doesn't broccoli Isn't it good for your liver? Good God I don't know now We need that guy So Joe Rogan's got a guy Where he goes Jamie Jamie Jamie can you pull that up? And Jamie just Literally within seconds Jamie's checked Whatever they're talking about On Google I bet Jamie costs Quite a lot of money He probably does actually Hey If you're out there And you want to be a Jamie Do you want to be a Jamie? I don't I'll get emails Do you know the emails have gone up? Right. From 5 ,000 or 6 ,000 to 8 ,500. Wow. I cannot get through them quick enough.

5:19Wow. I cannot get through them. But you know what it upsets us? What? It upsets me that I know inside them 8 ,000 emails is going to be some absolute gems. Perlers. And they're just waiting there. Perlers in there. Waiting for it to get to them. And I will get to them, but like for right now, I haven't got time. Why don't you try searching keywords? You said this, but I did that. And it was just rubbish. Really? Yeah. Because I thought that search and keep me anonymous, the phrase keep me anonymous, might get some juicy little emails. Chris, the one last week about the bloke with the wee in the mouth, he put his name on the bottom man.

5:51How are you, man? Don't be ridiculous. There's no shame anymore. The worst ones are the ones who keep the names on. Brilliant. Happy days. I love my mum so much. I really do. But she is so lush that it actually upsets us a little bit. Because she's lusher than me. your mum should not look better than you she's not lusher than you Chris, she is Rosie, I'm going to tell you a little secret now Sandra, I know you listen as well sometimes I look at Sandra and I think if that's what I've got in the future that's what my wife's going to let her win to 60 happy bloody days so you fancy me mum? are you saying that you fancy me mum?

6:28because this is awkward I'm giving you both a compliment alright yeah although she's aged like a fine wine you might age like vinegar yeah I'll not age that well you haven't you've seen me dead

6:41sorry Degs love you oh Derek she destroyed you there son just while we're talking about me mam should we mention the train antics the ridiculousness of Sandra Winter I'll set this up right for anyone who doesn't know I call Sandra basically Rosie's entire family are the Wombles because they will have anything second hand falling apart anything Our mom is the king of the Wombles. I have a few rules in this house. One of them is never, ever throw anything away or have any kind of tidy out while Sandra's in the house. Never. There's a sofa bed in Robin's little playroom. I've tried to throw that out three times.

7:20She's been here every time. Eee, no, eee, you can't be thrown. And I put it back up and I go, I don't even want it. I hate it. I keep putting it back up. She keeps making us do it. Because she gives you the guilt. Honestly, anything you're hiring away, she'll have it. Now Rosie, the stories you told me about her on Saturday had my head spinning. Tell the guys. I'll start you off at the beginning. Okay, so we were on the train. I trepid her, got her first class, so I'm going to say strictly. And you know what? We've had a lot of responses and that. I thought, let's treat ourselves. Right? I'm still waiting for the money on Cracking the Knuckles, so don't spend that yet.

7:53Okay, well I won't. So we got first class on the train. You get free stuff. You get free drinks and coffees and whatever. My mom took everything that they offered. Strawberry croissant. She doesn't like, she doesn't even like strawberry croissants, right? She ate it. She was like, I didn't really enjoy that. Why did you eat it? It's free, isn't it, right? She's like a student. It's embarrassing, right? She's like a student. This is what happened when we were leaving the train. The woman opposite us had left an apple that she got from the man off the trolley. Sandra picked it up. And took it with her.

8:33And we later found out that she ate it in bed. Pissed. That night. That night. She's so sick of it. She also, and I don't really understand this, right? Do you know how you can get like suit carriers where you put your clothes in? Yeah, yeah. It goes over the hanger. They go over the hanger and it keeps them nice and clean and nice and pressed. Get them from the dry cleaners. Get them from the dry cleaners. Sandra had her dress on a hanger in her bag folded up in a bin bag so she'd put a bin bag over the top a white bin bag it had little yellow drawstrings on it but she'd folded it in her bag and no idea why just lost on us oh this is another thing I didn't tell you she brought five almost empty tubes of foundation with her to mix together in a little pot because there wasn't enough in each of them to have enough with her.

9:32So she had to squeeze the remnants out of each one, which were all different colours, mix them together for our foundation. She's a lunatic. What else happened? Oh my gosh, on the way back. Oh, this is amazing. On the way back, right, just to give you a bigger picture, me mum, I've never seen me mum have a glass of pop in her whole life. She hates pop. She slags me off if I ever drink pop. I don't really like pop because my mum hates pop so much. For anyone around the world who doesn't know, Coke, Sprite, something like soda. Anything like that. Yeah, like a carbonated fizzy drink. Yeah, she hates it.

10:05Thinks it's terrible. She will give you the daggers if you're drinking. She's done it to me before. I've had a drink of one. She'll go, oh, you're drinking it now. Terrible for you. Do you know how much sugar is in that, Chris? That's why I'm drinking it, Sandra. I'm hung over the fuck. Exactly. You can clean toilets for that stuff. Imagine what it's doing to your stomach. Yeah. All right. We were on the train on the way back. Yeah. The man came around with his trolley. Me mam went, I'll have a Diet Coke, please. Me and you? What? Eh? Sandra? Turns out she only wanted a Diet Coke because there were them lovely little skinny bottles.

10:35Yeah, yeah. She wanted to put it home in her fridge for when a guest comes round. I said that as well. Because she put it in her bag. She put it in her bag. And she went, that's just fine if I have anyone come around the house. And we were like, what? And then I said, are you only doing it? because it's the posh can. She went, yeah, it's a posh skinny can. I like it. And then when he came again, she got three more. She got three more. Unbelievable. Because she got us to get one each. She also, every time we went past, she got a cake off the trolley, do you know? She did get a cake. She got one of them trickle things every single time we went past.

11:01And to be fair, he cut it on by the end, he gave her some free popcorn. Oh, aye, aye. She just went for it, aye? It's unbelievable. Honestly, she's got problems. It's incredible. It's very, very funny to watch though. Just while we're on the subject, not about my mom something happened today I haven't told you about this like not it's not a major thing I got a bit upset today oh you're gonna think I'm ridiculous I was changing the bed like the sheets on the bed right and I genuinely no lie got a little bit upset about how little time we spend in bed these days that was gonna be so easy you miss your dick no well I got a little bit upset like you know once upon a time when I was younger I used to be in my bed all the time just in my bedroom on my bed doing everything on my bed I used to eat on my bed sleep on my bed get ready on my bed chill out on my bed listen to music on my bed everything now when do we ever go in our bedroom?

11:59Rosie when we first got together when I lived in the bungalow we had one day can you remember I had three meals in bed yes one day stayed in bed watching the telly breakfast lunch dinner it was a good day I think that's when we first watched Game of Thrones yeah it was amazing I just got really upset yeah I know what you mean I just can't remember the last time I can't remember the last time that we just were in bed together yeah I know what you mean with the curtains in that room what a waste of money see I'm a hire on her yeah I just hire anything on yeah I get a bit annoyed when I drop Robin off at nursery not annoyed that's the wrong word but like there's people who obviously have real jobs and they're ready to go to the real job and then I rock up with like a cap and a disgusting coat on and I've just barely brushed my teeth and I'm like, morning, morning.

12:49Covering my mouth like, So many times when I'm dropping off at nursery, I just breathe through my nose. I know, it's shocking. I stand in that room breathing through my nose thinking I'm literally going to go back home and do all of the getting ready after this. I had to wear gloves the other day because I'd done my tan. What do you mean? And I hadn't washed it off. Oh, it was all your hands. So I just looked shocking. So I had to wear a pair of gloves. It's like you'd been baking a cake. I couldn't get the Ben's jacket off.

13:16Oh, that is shocking. I know. Has anything else been happening? What else has been happening? I've started my next dance, so it's Charleston. Oh, you've talked about Strictly again. Shit, the bed. Oh, sorry. God, it's got a life. Goodness me. It's taking over your life. Jealous! Are you kidding me? Yes, I am. I'm disgustingly jealous. Do you know how it actually pained me watching that program on Saturday? Really? I just wanted to do it. It's like when I go to a comedy club and I just want to get up. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not even going to lie. Like, I was sat there watching, proudest punch, loved it.

13:50Everyone was amazing. I just wanted to get up. I had to, like, honestly, physically hold myself back because I just wanted to get up and, like, do a dance. Can we tell everyone what you said to us literally a couple of seconds after you congratulated us and said I was really good? What did I say? You said, oh, I'm really good, so proud of you. It was fantastic. You were great. Blah, blah, blah. Bit pissed off you've never danced with me like this. Where's this man been the seven years we've been together? Well, yeah. Yeah, true. I didn't think this could backfire. You haven't ever, ever danced.

14:23Ever. To the point, actually, we've had arguments at weddings because you won't dance with us. I'm still not going to know because people are going to expect it now. I'm not going to do it. Yeah, that's true. I didn't think of that. Should we renew our vows after this? and we'll have a dance together. No. Karen can teach us it? No. Please. I don't think, honestly, outside of the show, I don't think we're going to afford our hourly rate. I think just probably absolute fortunes. Well, yous could just come and do one together and I could just like on the side do it like my freestyle. That would be so sad.

14:56It would be horrible. At your own wedding on the side. You and Robin. Either side stage and you're like, yeah. Is renewing vows a thing you would be up for doing? Is that a thing people do? Yeah, people do it. Yeah. Like normally, like rich American people, but I think people do it. I would do it, you know, because I think getting married the first time, that's easy. Right. You know, you're blissfully in love, it's mint. The second time, say like 10 years down the line, that's a bit harder. Right. Don't you think? That's a bit harder. Like, oh, saying it all again, you'd have a... I just think it's pointless.

15:29I just think it's pointless and I think it'd be really expensive. I think I'd rather probably go outside and burn loads of money. Oh, right. Aye, go on then. Oh, that's nice, isn't it? You're not going to go on an amazing holiday. You're going to pay... Hey, every bloody normark who came to me wedding, by the way, and I paid for your meal. Do you want to come again? I'll pay for your meal again for a laugh. No, you don't have to have a meal in that. It's just a party. Oh, all right then. Why don't you just have an anniversary party then? Why don't you just get off my dick and stop being such a horrible man?

15:55What is the difference between an anniversary party and a... It's in the name. Anniversary party or vowel. Vowel renewal. A-I-O-U. Done. I don't think I can be your friend, Isabella said. Rebecca's stomach flipped. This is the love story of real hinge couple Isabella and Rebecca, written and read by me, Temi Denton-Hurst. Listen to the free audiobook now.

16:24This episode is brought to you by Facebook. So you were scrolling on Marketplace, and there it was, the bike you'd been searching for. You sent a message, and it turned out the seller was super chatty, kind of funny, and an avid cyclist. The next thing you know, you're in a cycling crew. Well, a community cycling group. The thing about Facebook, you might find more than what you're looking for. From a browse to a bike ride, this summer, find more on Facebook. Hey friends, Olivia from OLLI. Between new routines and the ultimate group project known as parenting, you need science-backed solutions that work with your life.

17:02That's where Oli comes in. Start your mornings off right with Maltese made to support nutrition and immune health. Choose from our lineup of gut-supporting probiotics, and we've got occasional sleep support to help the whole fan chase their big dreams. Head back to class with the number one gummy supplement brand. Stock up on Oli.com today. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. Ladies first. Oh, right, okay. So, I've got loads. Really? Good goodness me. Chris, we've had like two weeks together.

17:36I mean, I've got five. Loads. Absolutely loads. I've got five to pick from. You go first and then I'll decide if mine's going to bounce off yours or I'm going to give you a new one. Well, I've got like two different categories. I'm only going to mention one. But there's two different categories which are podcast friendly. Yeah. And the other one is like private arguments. Okay. But I don't know whether you want to air them on the podcast. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. So I might leave that for another week. Okay. But for right now, something which has stuck in my mind. Do you remember before Christmas? Bringing up the past.

18:13No. You farted, right, in the kitchen. I walked away because it was disgusting. You followed me, right, into the darkness of the room that we were in. And you said to me these words. You said, in this light, you look beautiful. it was pitch black do you remember I do remember do you remember it was there it was literally there at the sofa in the darkness you held my face in your hands and you said Ian this light you look beautiful it was dark it was dark do you remember I do remember now it wasn't dark it was dark Chris it was a little glow We turned all the lights off. We were going up to bed.

19:03There was a little glow coming off the telly. You look lovely in the dark. It's not a compliment that you want to hear, to be honest. You look lovely in the dark. Holy shit. No, yeah, I remember. Yeah, I said you look lovely. Yeah, I don't know what it was. It was just one of them things. I don't know. Just in the little shadows, I could just see the little bit to your face. I think it just must pain you to tell her she looks nice. So you had to choose. You thought, I need to tell her she looks nice, but I can't be doing it when her face is actually real. Yeah, there's got to be a caveat at the end.

19:39I don't want you getting too confident. There's got to be a caveat. So every time I tell you look beautiful, just imagine there's a silent considering on the end. It's just really made us just confidence boost that was. I could see you. Fuck you. I could see your face perfectly. there was a lovely glow it was almost like a candle light and you looked beautiful it was dark as fuck so anyway that's the podcast friendly one stay tuned next week for the the divorce material ones the nearly divorced beefs well I've got one for you okay is it podcast friendly yeah this is podcast friendly do you know what it is it just occurred it was the other day it just occurred it was the other day and deep down it's made us really sad and I think if you really loved us, you would fix this.

20:30You have never learned to play pool with me. We've got a pool table that I got years ago. I love pool. I don't like many games, but I like pool. There's a pool table in the other room. You've never even bothered your arse to play pool with me. Well, I'm sorry. Ever. You have never learned how to curl my hair. I love curling my hair. Right. I think I'll really nice curl my hair. You have never learned how to blow dry my little front bit of my fringe. So it goes up straight. You only can pick one, mate. Pool. I don't like pool. Why haven't you tried? I find it really boring. I used to play it at college at Martech all the time.

21:17That's worse. Why are you saying that? That's much worse than you've played with other people in the past. Chris, I played it around the boys. I'm a boy? I'm married to you. I don't have to have to spend time with you. You know what it is I'll be honest with you I was in a pub the other night right with the lads and there was a man I went to the toilet the man the bloke just stopped and talked to us he's like oh I've come through for the night with my wife blah blah blah we're just having a little chat in the toilet and I saw him later on and he was just at the pool table him and his wife were just walking around just having a little drink listening to music and we're playing pool and I thought what a lovely what a lovely life he's got.

21:51You've got two choices right? I'm telling you right now. Alright okay. PlayStation or pool. What, I've got to learn one of them? You've got to learn one of them this year. Excuse me. Because I want to spend more time with you doing stuff I like. Not watching fucking home shows and shadowing that. Don't you dare. Don't you dare. Slag off escape to the shadow. Don't you dare. And I know you're talking about George Clark as well. He's a good friend of mine. I like George. I flippin' love his programs. I'll watch George any day because he's amazing. Just like his spaces. I love George. Friend of the podcast.

22:23How dare you. How dare you. I do not want to learn how to play pool. You just said you used to play it in the Martech all the time with the lads. I'll play strip pool. That'll be fun. Absolutely. With the lights off, yeah?

22:39Yes, please. You look beautiful naked with the lights off. I hate you. Rosie said a collection of ladies had came up to her and told her one of the best stories that she'd heard for the podcast. I said, amazing, what is it? Rosie said, I'm not going to tell you, I'll tell you on the podcast. So much so I've been looking forward to this because I went to the bar later on and the three ladies in question came up for a photo. Rosie spilled a drink on herself. I did. Yes or no? Yes, I did. You spilled a drink on yourself while frantically running across the room shouting, don't tell him I'm going to tell him on the podcast.

23:18So this has been built up. so I'm buzzing for this. That was nice because that was the first time I met Kevin Clifton as well. Yeah. And he just saw us spill a drink on his and probably thought what a fucking clown. If anyone's heard this they know you're a clip. Exactly. So yes, so I met these three lovely girls. I can't for the life of us remember the names. I'm so sorry. I think one was called Bay or Bow. Like Bay at risk. I can't remember. Anyway, they were absolutely lovely. Lovely, lovely girls. They stopped us outside the toilet and they were like we love the podcast. I was like that's amazing.

23:46Thank you so much. They were like we've got an amazing story for you. and I was like oh okay thinking when someone says they've got an amazing story it's normally a shit story well I did I kind of thought this might be funny and it might be not funny but I was like I'll hear you out so one of them told me that she used to work with a lady who went to a wedding a broad wedding okay it was in Portugal morning of the wedding it got cold off They were all in Portugal. And the wedding got called off. And it got called off. Wow, okay. The reason it got called off is the bride went into the honeymoon suite because she'd forgotten something.

24:31She went in there and the groom was with his mother. Can you guess what was happening? No. Can you guess? I'm scared to the bride so the bride went into the honeymoon suite the night before the wedding no the morning of the wedding the morning of the wedding she walked into the honeymoon suite because she forgot something she saw her husband to be and his mother in there doing something but can you guess I can't guess shall I tell you I don't know if I want to know the bride walked in found her husband to be love of her life sucking on his mother's tits. Shut the fuck up. No way. Apparently so.

25:24No.