In short
“Bumper Summer Best Of – Part Six” is a compilation episode from Shagged, Married, Annoyed, featuring banter, “What’s Your Beef?” segments, and multiple listener email stories/advice questions.
Guests
No recurring named guests appear; the “guests” are callers/emailers. Notable voices include “Becky” (calls in for What’s Your Beef), “Jess” (returns with multiple explicit dating/relationship stories), and “Barney” (email about a partner’s male friend rubbing his feet).
Key claims
Chris and Rosie argue about tour plans and tea-making; they claim Rosie’s tea quality has “gone downhill” and discuss a “banter safe word.” They also claim a long dating cautionary tale “all comes together” with a Newcastle doctor friend who appears to know the “pub eater” from the story.
Notable examples
A seizure incident where teenage sons must uncuff their mother; a confession dilemma about an aunt and a friend; a boyfriend dating story involving skid marks, roleplay with a “man in the garden,” and a partner who eats pubic hair.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOExplaining the Podcast Format
1:06 to 1:40
Chris and Rosie discuss the format of the episode, providing light-hearted banter.
“bye bye bye bye there we go This is the jingle, jingle.”
Bingo Calls and Nostalgia
1:40 to 2:56
The hosts reminisce about bingo calls and their experiences at Pontins.
“You started shouting and screaming and jumping around like you normally do before we do the podcast because you get dead excited, right?”
Lockdown Reflections
2:56 to 4:23
Chris and Rosie reflect on their feelings during the lockdown and the podcast's purpose.
“ask us another one no okay I know I do know I know two little ducks two fat ducks 22 two fat ladies 88 sizest well telepontins good what's 60 60 blind 60 blind 60 61 6-1.”
Roles and Expectations
4:23 to 7:18
Chris and Rosie discuss their roles and expectations regarding work and relationships.
“When you're six feet under, that's when I'll get it.”
What's Your Beef?
7:18 to 8:30
The segment begins with Chris and Rosie discussing grievances, leading to humorous exchanges.
“right now Chris and it's all because of me fuck you I thought I was going to get a thank you there bloody coattail rider honestly Mike honestly my posture my posture your back hurting It's hurting.”
Beefs and Tea Making Skills
8:30 to 14:01
The hosts debate their skills in making tea and other ongoing grievances in a playful manner.
“But you are banned from all venues I come to.”
Coffee and Tea Preferences
14:01 to 15:46
Learn about the humorous differences in coffee and tea preparation preferences.
“I know, depending on what time of day, what kind of coffee you have, how you take it, and what fucking cup you have it in.”
Jess Joins the Conversation
15:46 to 16:30
Jess returns to share a hilarious and shocking story from her paramedic experience.
“Hey, Jess, free copy of Shag Married Annoyed, signed, coming to you.”
A Seizure During Intimacy
16:30 to 19:35
Hear about an embarrassing incident involving a couple and a seizure during an intimate moment.
“We get called to a patient having a seizure.”
The Impact of an Awkward Situation
19:35 to 20:14
Discover the aftermath of a shocking family incident and its lasting effects.
“I guarantee you right now both those lads have moved to New Zealand.”
Show all 17 chapters
Advice on a Dilemma
20:14 to 21:20
Chris and Rosie discuss a listener's dilemma involving a secret romance.
“It's just for anyone who's worried and anyone who will message in going, what happened to the dad?”
The Complicated Situation with the Aunt
21:20 to 24:28
Dive into the complexities of a listener's relationship with their friend's aunt.
“Dear Chris and Rosie, I have a dilemma that's been bugging me for many years now and I don't know if I should confess or not.”
Trust Issues with a Male Friend
24:28 to 28:00
Examine trust issues in a relationship stemming from a partner's male friend.
“there probably is a lot of anti-fuckers out there.”
Cock in the Box Discussion
28:00 to 30:11
The hosts humorously discuss the concept of a 'cock in the box' and the absurd situations surrounding it.
“And it's like, if they break up, she's just got a ready-made...”
Reflections on a Boring Life
30:11 to 31:37
The hosts reflect on their lives compared to the outrageous stories they share, emphasizing their normalcy.
“an acquaintance has never put his knob on me feet and I have wasted my life.”
Salsa Dancing and Skid Marks
31:37 to 34:28
A listener shares a bizarre story involving salsa dancing and an unfortunate incident with a skid mark.
“We were both single at the time, and she said the guys were great.”
The Pubic Hair Incident
34:28 to 37:46
The hosts discuss a wild tale about a man who eats his own pubic hair and the surprising connections that follow.
“pretend to her that he was a burglar in the house or someone in the garden watching them having sex oh god!”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:01Hello, Chris Ramsey here and...
0:03Rosie Ramsey:Oh, hello, it's me, Rosie Ramsey. And we are in the back of a taxi in France with the kids. One of them who've just tried to grab the phone because we forgot we had to do the in-road of the best of this week and we went on holiday. And I didn't realise you'd pressed record. I've pressed record because I'm just, I'm just literally getting texts and emails that we need to do the in-road and I just thought I'd get it out of the way. Okay, so is this for the Shagmire Annoid Bumper Summer Best Of? It's the one that's coming out whatever tomorrow's day it is. Can you say Bumper Summer Best Of? Fantastic.
0:34Rosie Ramsey:There we go. In a real voice, Bumper Summer Best Of. I can't. No. Robin, you can say it. Robin, do it in your best radio voice. Yeah. YouTuber voice. YouTuber voice, yeah. Introduce it. Shagmire Annoid. Shagmire Annoid Bumper Summer Best Of. In a YouTuber voice. Go. you're listening to Shagman Roy Bump a Sumpa Best Of Bump a Sumpa Bump a Sumpa Bump a Sumpa Best Of our wonderful wonderful producer Daisy said this can be as long or as short as we want and we can do it on our phones so it's this long and it's done on our phone enjoy I want to do it bye bye bye bye there we go
1:19This is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Jingle.
1:31Rosie Ramsey:Hello, you're listening to Shagged, Married, Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Chris Ramsey, who just told me off for being in a good mood. I didn't tell you off for being in a good mood. You started shouting and screaming and jumping around like you normally do before we do the podcast because you get dead excited, right? Because it used to be your only job, but now you've got two. and sometimes you literally said I had my headphones on I was trying to sort the laptop out and you're just screaming and shouting at one point you were shouting you wanna fuck with me you wanna fuck with me for no reason and I've got the headphones on and you're screaming it down the mic and then you went why am I not allowed to be in a good mood and I said you're allowed to be in a good mood just when your good mood doesn't make my good mood bad you know it's give and take mate that would be funny but you wanna fuck with me honestly sick of it thanks so much for joining us thank you episode 59 oh 59 on the Brighton line toot toot is that a thing that's the bingo call for 59 did you not know that no of course I didn't know that I've never been a bingo in my life I used to call bingo where at Ponton's oh my god yeah oh god hey Ponton's really did have it all didn't it it was great honestly it was great bring your own cans amazing no I do like that bit of it I do like that bit of it yeah bring your own cans I only know a couple of the bingo calls though so I couldn't tell you them all right good well sadly we don't have time ask us another one no okay I know I do know I know two little ducks two fat ducks 22 two fat ladies 88 sizest well telepontins good what's 60 60 blind 60 blind 60 61 6-1.
3:15Right, I don't like this game anymore. Asker's 90. What's 90?
3:19Rosie Ramsey:Top of the shop. Blind 90. You know, you could have just said, what's... You could have said, I'll tell you what 90 is, but you made me tee you up for it there. Asker's 69. Oh, what's 69? Kneel for two. Oh, that... 69. Hauntons. I did say that, I think. Oh, no. There was children there. No, they don't know. Oh, goodness me. Guys, as I was saying, an episode before Bloomin' Marjorie from the bingo came and got the mic. It's episode 59. Thank you so much for listening. Please continue to like and subscribe and rate and all that bullshit. We'll love it. We're so happy that you're enjoying it during this lockdown period.
3:57We've been making these episodes a little bit extra long for you and we'll hope it's helping in any way that it can be. Yeah. I think we should all give ourselves a little pat on the back
4:06Rosie Ramsey:for getting almost through the three weeks which they're probably going to extend it to another three weeks. Don't. But. Do you think they will? I don't know but look well done it's absolutely hard as hell whatever you're doing congrats you're doing well hey it'll be alright hey people you'll hate them again soon I can't wait to hate people again it was in the contract that I had to mention it was not there's no contract it was I didn't get to see this contract this is a shared podcast I did not okay the people sponsor it's a present present Christmas present oh really am I going to get all of the lucrative sponsor money from your sponsors at Christmas One day.
4:43Rosie Ramsey:When you're six feet under, that's when I'll get it. Wow. And still won't then. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Just quickly. Yeah. Last week's episode, I've had a lot of tweets about this. Yeah. Very angry. Right. You, mansplaining. Oh, for fuck's sake. Yeah, so on the beach. Right. I was singing the right song. I wasn't singing the right song. Oh, God. But I was singing a song. Yeah. And it was somewhere in me long-term memory. Right. You mean subconscious, but carry on. That's what I actually meant. See, I have to... I'm not fucking mansplaining. I just have to explain. Because it would just be you sitting, like, fucking trying to find the far end of a thought every five minutes.
5:25Rosie Ramsey:Well, I've realised why I don't sound as intelligent as what I used to on this podcast when we started. Since we started writing the book, you'd think that it would make me, like, a bit smarter. Yeah. But I feel like I'm just using up all my words. when I'm writing. Do you know what I mean? I only have a certain allocated amount of a day, right? Of words and intelligence. When I write that book, and for some reason we keep writing the book, doing loads of work on the book on the day of the podcast, which isn't good. So I use up all of them words and then I come to do this and I can't speak. So that's what I've come down to.
6:01Rosie Ramsey:But this was the song that I meant. I'm going to see if you can hear this.
6:09Rosie Ramsey:Hands up in the air Put your hands up in the air I imagine Yeah And again Yes Come on, come on Come on, come on, come on We see you on the beach We see you on the shore You've got your little shorts on You look like a whore We want to touch your legs We want to touch your face Oh my God, oh my God, this is fucking ace Stop that immediately I'm sorry Immediately Oh my God, so carried away What have you been up to? Getting excited about the tour Yeah Getting buzzing about another job Filling out my CV Your CV is ridiculous now Isn't it? It's proper weird Podcaster, author Yes Live podcaster, hopefully, even though I haven't done it yet Yes Yes, what else?
7:04Instagrammer
7:04Rosie Ramsey:Instagrammer, influencer I'm an actress I'm a singer I'm just wearing all these hats and I kind of keep them on straight because I'm just Jack of all trades master of none that's me it's so exciting I'm not I'm just I'm living a dream right now Chris and it's all because of me fuck you I thought I was going to get a thank you there bloody coattail rider honestly Mike honestly my posture my posture your back hurting It's hurting. From dragging you along on me coattails. Like you are on holiday at the Costa del Sol, fucking water skiing off the back of the speedboat that is Chris Ramsey Industries.
7:46Rosie Ramsey:No, honestly. Unbelievable. In my head, right, I can imagine now you've got a really lovely coat, like a wedding one, but really long coattails. I'm on the back on a sun lounger in a lovely stripy swimming costume with a big hat on, having a cocktail, and you're just dragging us along. and it's like yeah and I'm just like hello waving a bit like the queen yeah that's it thank you that is exactly what's happening in our lives I appreciate it though thank you so much you didn't have to let us in so starting to regret it I'm honest with you no you flippin' not ah well we'll see we'll see we'll see when it comes to the beef section what fucking long lost relative of that fucker pops up today damn you it's time for What's Your Beef?
8:34hello Chris Oh god I never know Which one's coming
8:38Rosie Ramsey:Hello Chris No it's Becky here Hello Becky beef your eyes Hello Chris I'm just ringing in Two things Right One You're going on tour Yes You're not coming to Liverpool No sorry Why is that We'll only make Manchester You're going to have to Bomb along the M62 No If you want to come No Well good Can I be doing that Right well What's wrong with the pool I've got a Nothing is wrong Absolutely lovely Liverpool We couldn't get any venues Annoyingly I couldn't get any venues In Liverpool who are working on my tour or on the Shag Married Annoyed tour, which is irritating, so I'll definitely have to try and go next year.
9:09But you are banned from all venues I come to. And if you dare, if you dare turn up on stage at Shag Married Annoyed, I'm going to go mental.
9:18Rosie Ramsey:Is that fighting talk, Christopher? Say that again, sorry. You slipped out your accent slightly there. Is that fighting talk, Christopher? No, I am, of course, being sarcastic and joking. All right. I've got a new boyfriend. Okay. Yeah. Right. It's called Tyson. Tyson? Tyson Fury. You're going out with... Barry, hold on. Exclusive. Barry Beef's sister is going out with Tyson Fury. Well, it's a secret. Well, not anymore. So don't tell anyone. But yeah, we're going out together. So you want to come and say that to me again?
9:55My question is, I turn my mobile on a flight mode before I record the podcast. So how are you able to ring in?
10:04Rosie Ramsey:it's it's just anyway Barry just to let you know Barry he's been locked up right oh no way so I'm just ringing as well because I need to borrow some bail yeah and I know that you and Rosie are good for it right and Rosie always promised Barry that if anything happened she would really look out for him and so we need 1500 quid sorry 15 ,000 quid
10:33That went from, what the fuck's he done? What's he in for?
10:38Rosie Ramsey:GBH. Right. He's a horrible man. No, he wasn't that serious. No, it wasn't that serious. No, no, no, no. GBH, it wasn't that serious. Are you serious? What do you mean it wasn't that serious? Well, he was just a scrapple. Scrapple? A little scripple, scrapple. Rosie was here. Was she now? Yeah, it was over her. Oh, aye, aye. And she's not totally right. Ashnocker ice. Funny that, isn't it? No, no, no. Funny that. Anyway, I've got to go. I'm really busy. Right, okay, yeah. Rookside's on. Tell Tyson hello. Oh, I will. And Tom, well done for the idea. He was fantastic. What? I don't need to fight.
11:11What are you talking about? He fought on Saturday night. He was brilliant.
11:14Rosie Ramsey:Oh, did he? Did he. Are we talking about the same Tyson? Give it back.
11:22Rosie Ramsey:My Tyson works in a bank. But he's really odd. Right.
11:30Rosie Ramsey:Right, okay, bye. I'll send you my bangsy tears. Just fuck off, man. No, fuck off. You fuck off. Come to the pool. Jesus Christ, man. Do your research, will you? You didn't even know he'd had a fight on the weekend, you useless fucker. I hate you. Watch your beef before I burst into tears. Listen, listen. Right, my beef this week is I got sent a lovely portrait from somebody from my Instagram. Yeah. It was me, you and Robin. Your comments upon looking on this beautiful portrait was, wow, they've really been kind to your chin. Do you remember that? Yeah. That really hurt my feelings. That really cut me deep.
12:17Yeah, I'm actually going to send it away to someone so they're going to add some shading in.
12:22Rosie Ramsey:You know what? A couple lines with a bit of shading. Hey, look, you're going to give it, you've got to, You're going to come on live tour with me. You've got to get sparring. You've got to get verbal sparring. I was thinking about getting light on it. Can I just say, I'm not having you come off stage at the end of the gigs and go, Chris, you took that too far. That was nasty. I'm not having this. I'm not having extra. Well, we need to have boundaries. Is there going to be no boundaries? We're going to have to have a safe word. We're going to have to have a banter safe word. This is terrible. Should we make one up now?
12:51No, because then everyone will know what it is.
12:53Rosie Ramsey:All right. Let's think it through. It'll have to be something nondescript. Oklahoma's normally a good one. What? Oklahoma. But everyone would know. Yeah, I suppose. We'll never think about that. Anyway, stop slagging off my chin. Which one? My beef with you this week is... My beef with you this week is... You cannot, for the life of you, and refused to learn how to make me a decent cup of tea. Oh, really? You, no, no, no. I'm serious. You keep offering cups of tea recently. They're going downhill. Thank you, welcome. Yeah, but you might as well give us a cup of toilet water. It's going downhill.
13:39They're too milky. You don't let the teabag sit in for enough and you put too much milk in. They're too weak, right? And listen here. Now, if I tried to tell you, if I said, oh, Rosie, come on, I'll just quickly show you how to do this. Don't you dare. There we go, there we go.
13:53Rosie Ramsey:Don't you dare. Don't you dare. Panamising bastards. How dare you. Right, right. I'll not make you a cup of tea in the future. Listen here, right. You know what I've realised today? When I make you a coffee. You're an ungrateful author. You are full of it, right. This is one-sided, right. Because I make you a coffee. I know, depending on what time of day, what kind of coffee you have, how you take it, and what fucking cup you have it in. So maybe take a moment to learn how I like my tea. Right? Yeah? just for the listeners in the morning she likes it in quite a modern cup we've got two we've got like a blue one a green one she likes it in there two sweeteners double espresso shot with water stirred afternoon more of a vintage smaller tea cup am I right yeah with a single shot of espresso still two sweeteners water stirred am I right yeah you're right exactly thank you exactly and I know that after 3 o 'clock or 2 o 'clock you won't have that 2 o 'clock 2 o 'clock don't listen well brilliant so you just you like your tea tea bag hot water and milk yeah and what I don't understand what else I'm meant to do you've got to let the tea bag sit in a fridge the amount of times so sometimes tell us how long do I leave it to sit for like a minute and a half that's how long I do leave it to sit for no you don't the amount of times do you want a cup of tea and I go yeah and it's just there straight away you know when you go to a restaurant and you're like I'll have the burger please and they go no problem and they bring it like in like a suspicious amount like it's suspiciously quick and you go well fuck knows I don't know where this has been sitting well why haven't you said it before we've been married for years Why have you never said this?
15:17Rosie Ramsey:Why are you waiting until now? You used to be really good at them. You used to be really good at cups of tea. And you've gone terrible. Well, I'm not being funny. I've got about seven jobs going on the go. I think I've got time to make you a cup of tea. Add tea maker to your CV right this second. Or I'm not going on to her. Here we go. I'll go by myself. Right, well, that backfire, that's all right. I take her back. I'm coming. Come on, get rid of us that. I'm sorry.
15:46Rosie Ramsey:So, Jess has been back in touch. Oh, my goodness. Friend of the show. Friend of the show, Jess. Hello, hello. Nice to have you back. We need to get her something. Something needs to happen. I know. Hey, Jess, free copy of Shag Married Annoyed, signed, coming to you. Coming your way, Jess. I'll get a Jess and I'll send it to her. Send it to her, Jess. Yes, thank you. Hey, everyone who knows us, guess what you're getting for Christmas this year? Eh? Signed copy of Shag Married Annoyed. Boom. Boom. Cheap Christmas. There we are. It'll be cheap Christmas. So excited. Jess says, hey, wonderful people.
16:19Rosie Ramsey:Hope you are well. Thanks for having me back on. Here is a chapter for you if you want to have a look. I've had a look and it's definitely appropriate for the show. Fantastic. So strap yourselves in. Let's go for it. We get called to a patient having a seizure. A middle-aged guy in bed. A standard run-of-the-mill job. Or so we thought. Oh, no. We sorted out the patient and once this was done, we attempted to gain a bit of history. Always important to find out the full facts of what has happened. You know, she's a paramedic. But this is where it all unraveled. We asked what had occurred and we were met by all four family members with a wall of deathly silence.
16:59Rosie Ramsey:I looked at each of them and after what had felt like an eternity, the wife of the patient ushered out the kids and explained the truth. Oh, God. That evening, she and her husband had decided to get a bit Friday night frisky in the bedroom. They had waited for the kids to go to bed and in a tame Fifty Shades style, he had handcuffed his wife to the bed and placed on some nipple clamps. Things had progressed for the pair. However, it was at the point of penetration that the guy had his seizure on top of his wife. who was unable to move or get him off. Oh my word! Obviously concerned and marginally frantic, the wife tried desperately to get him to roll off.
17:50Rosie Ramsey:But as he was on top of her and she had no use of her shackled limbs, she couldn't manage it. Oh my word! So she was left with no choice. The only people who could help at this point were her two... teenage... boys.
18:13Rosie Ramsey:Oh, Jess. Are you ready? Wow. After shouting for help, in walked two blary-eyed boys to find their parents in this mortifying yet vulnerable position. Oh, my God. There's a bit which is coming up which I just can't. Oh, man. All right. Apparently, the mum initially had asked them to uncuff her, but they weren't able to as the keys the key was on a chain that was dangling between the nipple clamps which was inaccessible due to the dad on top of her so these poor teenagers had to move their dad who was very naked erect and still technically inside of their mum Oh, my God. Those boys. I know. Oh, lads.
Read the full transcript
19:10Oh, if you're out there listening, I'm so sorry. It's bad, isn't it? Oh, man.
19:15Rosie Ramsey:And then to top it off and scar them further, they had to see their mother in her full nude starfish glory, shackled to the bed and remove the nipple clamps off her boobs in order to uncuff her and Carlos. Oh, my word. Can you imagine how scarring this would be? I guarantee you right now both those lads have moved to New Zealand. Do you think? You'd have to. 100%. You'd have to. How could you not? Wow. This is damaging. Wow. Honestly, I'm lost for words. I'm shocked. I don't know what I've done. I want to think that I heard my mum and dad, right? and I don't even know if I actually did. That was pretty bad.
20:07Rosie Ramsey:Bad enough, yeah. That was bad enough. Good Lord. This is like another level. Should I keep going? There's more? No, there's not much more. It's just for anyone who's worried and anyone who will message in going, what happened to the dad? Luckily for the dad. Why are you making light of this? I know. Well, luckily for the dad, he had no recollection of the event. Oh, he's all great, aye? Oh, well done, mate, aye. Well done. Oh, hey, hey. Deleted. excellent why is our Ben so upset why can't the boys look us in the eye Marge why can't the look us in the eye why is the Ben sick every time he looks at your chest Marge why when I was out with the Ben the other day and the battery went flat in the car and I had to put the jumper cables on Why did they both burst into tears and try and run into traffic?
21:15Rosie Ramsey:Thank you, Jess. Thank you so much. Jess, keep it coming, honestly. We love it. We love it. Jessie, the gift that keeps on giving. We absolutely love you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Dear Chris and Rosie, I have a dilemma that's been bugging me for many years now and I don't know if I should confess or not.
21:41Rosie Ramsey:I'm very good friends with two brothers who I went to school with. Just to set the scene, they are very family-orientated people and get quite protective. At one of their weddings, I befriended their aunt. She ended up finding me on the Facebook. On the Facebook. On the Facebook. That's what it says. loser come on man Justin Timberlake Justin Timberlake told him in the in the film lose the the just Facebook it's cleaner he told him that in the social network JT JT told him that and you'd not the Facebook crikey I ended up finding me on the Facebook the Facebook and we got chatting again and I ended up coming around for a bit of rampy-pampy a few times and all was good is that what it actually says yeah so what the auntie the auntie Sorry.
22:32Rosie Ramsey:You're not even listening, are you? Because you said it in court. I thought it was a joke. And I thought, so this is a bloke writing the email. Yes. Read it again in real English. Right. So this lad. Lad. Is friends with two brothers. He went to one of their weddings. Befriend of the auntie. Befriend of the aunt. And had sex with the auntie. I thought you were joking. So read it exactly what happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah. From the Facebook. I ended up going around. Oh, sorry. She, the aunt, ended up finding me on the Facebook. Loser. And we got chatting again, and I ended up going round for a bit of rumpy pumpy a few times.
23:06Rosie Ramsey:Wow. And all was good. Wow. That came from nowhere. I know. Sorry, I didn't realise you would get so confused. Shagging that auntie. Shagging his mates. Shagging his mates. Mate, listen. Listen. You're getting too carried away. I can't help it. Reel yourself the fuck in. I'm sorry. Ready? After a bit, I got a girlfriend, and we called it a day. Okay? So he's not shagging the auntie anymore. Fast forward a few months and the aunt got pissed and told her sister she had slept with one of her lad's friends. But she wouldn't say who. The lads then suspected it was another friend of ours who, unsurprisingly, denied it and now they have had a fallout.
23:49Oh, you bastards. I know. Now, what do I do?
23:54Rosie Ramsey:Should I come clean or is it even anyone else's business? I mean, I'm 30 now and I can't be dealing with all this drama. Oh, wow. Love to hear your advice. Wow. God, I hope they don't listen because that's not really difficult to work out. If you've got a brother and you're anti-shag one of your mates and you're not speaking to one of them and you denied it. It's pretty obvious, isn't it? I mean, then again, even though we get all these questions, we still are quite naive. There might be fucking thousands of people who that's happened to. Well, this podcast, how many downloads are we on now? 18 million.
24:27I don't like a brag.
24:27Rosie Ramsey:So out of 80 million people, there probably is a lot of anti-fuckers out there. You know what I mean? But you can't call someone an anti-fucker. Shut your fucking face, anti-fucker. Sorry, Mum. Sorry, Dad. No, not sorry. I mean, should he come clean? He's going to fall out with... If he comes clean, he's going to fall out with the brothers and he's going to fall out with the guy who he let take the fall for as well. Do the brothers have any right, though, to be annoyed? Two consenting adults? I just want to know the age gap. That's all I want to know. Right, okay, well, we can guess that... There's going laws of averages.
25:11Your auntie's normally... You know, your auntie's normally... 50s, 60s. Well, normally within a few years of your mum and dad.
25:17Rosie Ramsey:Yeah. Yeah, there we go. Oh, it was good. I think you should tell them. I think you should tell them. I don't think it's fair that they fell out with somebody else. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know how much advice to give the guy here because I'll end up sounding like an agony ant and he'll probably come round and fuck us. Hi, Rosie and Chris. My missus has a male friend that has fancied her for the past nine years and even told her family that one day she'll give in. Give in. That's a brilliant choice of words. Give in. She once woke up to him rubbing himself on her feet. What? Eh?
26:00What?
26:00Rosie Ramsey:Apparently. What? She once woke up? She once woke up to him rubbing himself, I'm guessing nethers, on her feet. And when I've met him, he has always been dismissive of me. Well, he's just not mentioned any more about the rubbing. So that's all we get about the rubbing. Ah, that's really annoying. Do you know what? Didn't someone send us an email kicking off that we don't delve more deep into stuff? That's what the tour's going to have, right? When someone has a weird shit, I'll get one of them massive fucking 4 ,000 candlepower torches. That's like a spotlight that Derren Brown has on his show.
26:34And we'll whip a spotlight onto someone and we'll cross-examine them. You can't just go woke up rubbing themselves and just leave it.
26:42Rosie Ramsey:Well, hang on. I'll find out. Hang on, right? Okay, so I've met him and he's always been dismissive of me and mugged me off. She will not talk to him about it, but rather pretend it didn't happen. Brilliant. But still busy's friend? She's still his friend? Yeah, apparently. She even told her family if I had a female friend that was like that, she wouldn't want me to see them again. Not the rubbing bit. That's just weird. I now call him feet. Have you ever had this problem? What the hell is happening? Right. First of all, dude. That's from a man, yeah? Barney. Barney, that's a fake name Nice try He's a big purple dinosaur Alright, okay, good, yeah, yeah Barney, your Is it wife, girlfriend?
27:32Uh... Look, whatever she is She's doing it to piss you off, mate She's doing it to piss you off She's keeping you on your toes That man who we are talking about In my opinion Specifically exists To keep you on your fucking toes Do you think? Oh, God, yeah Hey, Barney, Valentine's Day is coming up oh, better get something. I'll fucking foot-a-saurus there will be all out of you. Like, absolutely in my opinion. So Chris Rock's got an amazing routine about this. He calls it a cock in the box.
27:57Rosie Ramsey:Right. So he says when your girlfriend or your wife's got a male friend, it's cock in the box. Break glass in case of emergency. And it's like, if they break up, she's just got a ready-made... I want a cock in the box. Hey! I've not got one. You've got Barry. Pack it in, right? Barry is not a real person, Chris. Have I got a cock in the box? Let me think, hang on. They're all gay. Oh, your brother, Kev. Oh, great. Yeah. Wow. Oh, that made me so feel sad. Imagine the Daily Mail comment on that. No, I haven't got one. Apply within any friends that would like to rub their nethers on my foot. Feel free.
28:37Look, hey, look. So strange. Do you know what it is? I was about to say there. I was about to say I'm not judging. I am judging. I'm specifically judging.
28:45Rosie Ramsey:You're allowed to judge. Judge away. Yeah, I'm judging. But on he's not real. So there we go. What do you think? I think... Do you think there's any truth in what I've said? Yeah. That's just keeping him around and piss him off. Absolutely. Yeah, 100%. Because you just... You wouldn't... If you were in a relationship with someone and you woke up to your friend rubbing your foot on his private parts, one, I'd be like, what are you doing? Two, I'd probably never speak to them again. and three, I'd tell you and then we just wouldn't speak to him together. What situation is she in where he's there when she wakes up and her feet are at crotch height?
29:26Where could it have been? Could it have been a nap during the day or was he somehow staying over somehow?
29:30Rosie Ramsey:Have they fallen asleep on a trampoline in the sun? She put her feet up on a table during a barbecue? Possibly. Hey, listen, this might be slander looking at the other side of it. He might have been falling asleep on a table during a barbecue, put her feet up, he might have been leaning over to grab some ketchup but his dick might have touched her foot. And he might have went, oh, sorry, I was trying to get the ketchup. You know, I fancy you, but I haven't got a foot thing. And she went, yeah, no problem. And then she said, hey, Barney, do you know where he put his dick in between me toes? I just wonder, sometimes, do you know when we read these stories and these questions, it just always makes me think like, we have a really boring life.
30:03Rosie Ramsey:We have a really, really plain life. I wouldn't use the word boring. I wouldn't use the word boring. No one on their deathbed has gone, I haven't lived. No one. an acquaintance has never put his knob on me feet and I have wasted my life. None of my friends have ever rubbed their crotch on me feet. I'm a bit embarrassed about that. And you've got lovely feet. Do you know what? Bloody waste. My feet are the best part of my whole body, aren't they? They are. Again, I feel like this is a trap. I feel like I can't answer that. No, you can. No, I don't. Do you agree? I can't. well what do you think i'm gonna say like what so you don't like my face yeah no i won't do you like my feet well you have got lovely feet so what you don't like my face
30:53right i've got one here for a change i love it when you have them i just randomly went on the emails the other day and i read i read this and i was like right okay i'm i'm having it i'm having it so listen to this right it covers some topics we might have covered in the past as well actually Brings a couple of old favourites back. I started seeing my boyfriend about two and a half years ago. He has moved in with me now from Washington to the northeast. I, too, love a northeast accent. One of the first friends he introduced me to was a doctor who lives in Newcastle. He was a medical student, and I found out that he studied in York, my hometown.
31:24My best friend from primary school, who I have known since I was five years old, used to try and get me to go to salsa dancing classes about six years ago. I know this sounds ridiculous, but all the threads come together. They come together in the end like fucking Broadchurch. It's ridiculous.
31:38Rosie Ramsey:Oh, I love Broadchurch. He loves Broadchurch. He knows I loved it. I loved it. We were both single at the time, and she said the guys were great. I saw salsa dancing classes as foreplay for divorced men in their 60s and weirdos. That's offensive to professional dancers like myself, but carry on. I never did go to the classes slash socials to find out myself. However, her stories didn't prove me wrong. I distinctly remember her calling me late one night as she had gone home, brackets, his house, with a man from Salsa. After going on a few dates, he went to the bathroom to freshen up, brackets. What does that mean, by the way?
32:16Wash your bits in the sink, question mark.
32:18Rosie Ramsey:Yes, it does. Hang on, hang on. Sorry. Is she with the doctor or is she with a guy from Salsa? All of those characters from the beginning, from the first chapter, they will come back in. Okay. But who's she with now? Who's freshening up for the poor nanny? So this is her friend telling a story about someone she met at Salsa. Not the guy who she went with. Don't. Just forget about them two. Forget about those guys. What? It'll come back. Just honestly. Everyone listening, by the way, this is what it's like watching a fucking film with Rosie. Who's he? What's happening? What are they doing there?
32:49Why has that happened? When's that going to happen? Is this for... Rosie, it's the advert. Oh.
32:54Rosie Ramsey:Listen, I was blessed with a vocal voice. A vocal voice. A voice box. I'm tired. She got in it. She got into her underwear and peeled back the duvet to find a crusted brown stain on the white sheets. Ooh. Okay. I could not believe that it would be really anything to worry about, so she sent me a photo message. It was a skid mark, undoubtedly.
33:18Undoubtedly is amazing. How could someone have a skid mark in their bed? Question mark. She left him after this. Bracket, she still slept with him that night. Brilliant. On the skid mark. On the skid mark. I'm going to lay you down on the skid mark. Make sweet, sweet love on the skid mark. She then began dating again.
33:40Rosie Ramsey:Sorry, but no. I have never, ever. Who's that desperate for sex to have sex on a skid mark? Like, I couldn't. Can you imagine how far? So she must have saw it and then whipped the bed covers back over. And he's like, let's get under the sheets. And she's like, let's do it on top of the duvet. why just be cut but it's cold i don't care can we do it on top of the duvet and i'm not gonna touch your ass because i couldn't i couldn't i could that would put me off straight right keep going yeah she then began dating a guy who was very romantic with her sending her flowers and poems etc he also had a different guy a different guy he also had some strange sexual habits he role played with her counting down from ten when she counting down from ten when she was going to climax or often he would pretend to her that he was a burglar in the house or someone in the garden watching them having sex oh god!
34:35so we would have sex with him and he'd be like shouting I can see the guy in the garden again he's watching while we're doing it
34:40Rosie Ramsey:yeah yeah yeah yeah
34:48Rosie Ramsey:so that was their role play that he would pretend there was someone in the garden so he'd be having sex with her and looking out the window going that bloke's watching oh my god what was she what was she saying like oh shit oh no quick as well did she join in I don't know, that was just his thing. Do you know what? I would love roleplay. A bit of improvisation of an evening. Can you imagine? I am not having sex with any of the beefs. So you can fucking get that out of your head right now, love. Right? Listen to it. This story's ridiculous, right? Chris, Chris, listen. You wouldn't want Belinda on your make and sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet skid mark, love.
35:35Listen, right.
35:36Rosie Ramsey:Right, I'm excited. So this guy, so this guy who she's... pretending that someone's in the garden. She then thought it would be a good idea to move in with the guy after this. So she moved in with this guy, right? I met the guy, and he was often really rude to me. When my friend would go to the loo, or we had moments alone, he would tell me that I am not a good person. Unbelievable. He used to pull out the hair on his eyebrows. He would lay next to her in bed, and... Are you ready? Are you ready for this? He used to pull out the hair on his eyebrows, dot, dot, dot. He would lay next to her in bed.
36:16Yeah. You ready?
36:17Rosie Ramsey:What? Pull out his pubic hairs and eat them.
36:32I mean... She's moved in with this lad.
36:36Rosie Ramsey:Did she stay with him? Well, she did break up with him, thankfully, and now she is with a lovely man who we all like. A one who doesn't eat his pubic hair or is asked to do her friends. Brilliant. Imagine that on speed dating. First question, do you eat your pubes? Yes, leave. Of all the hairs to eat. Listen to this. Is this what? No, there's not more. So, remember the beginning, right? No, this sounds... I told my boyfriend this story as it was a dating cautionary tale. However, recently, the doctor friend who lives in Newcastle that I have now met several times, I've noticed he has photos from his stag dude in his house.
37:13In the photo, standing next to a photo of my boyfriend and the Geordie doctor was the pub eater. The pub eater. How amazing. It all comes back. I've got goosebumps. The whole story comes back together.
37:26Rosie Ramsey:How does pubie know them? I asked the doctor how he knows him and he used to go to the gym with him when they were at uni in York. I didn't let on that I knew him. should I tell my boyfriend that he in fact knows this guy who eats his own pubes and he has shared a hostel room with him on a stag do yes she needs to tell him that's isn't that wonderful I love it when stuff like that happens just comes together at the beginning I saw your face when I was reading it and I'm rambling and you're going this is rambling why has he picked such a long story bang Lord of the Rings eat your dick off eat your pubes off eat your pubes more like it
38:10that was the summer bumper best of whatever episode that happens to be we're still in the taxi it's taking quite a while about 45 minutes happy days well at least we've got he's trying to grab the phone again what are you saying what do you want to say to everyone what do you want to say to all our listeners you want to say what there there there there we go bye guys
From the publisher
It’s early 2020… The SMA tour has been announced, and the Ramsey’s
are also writing the Shagged Married Annoyed Book! This Best of includes Becky Beef (a long distant relative) and news from friend of the podcast Jess the Paramedic! As well as this, Rosie reveals her Bingo calling past and Chris gets called out for mansplaining on song lyrics. There’s some hanky panky involving a friends aunt, inappropriate foot rubbing and some burglar role play! Enjoy.
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