Bumper Summer Best Of - Part Three

0:00I didn't like what you said, Odin pauses, about the future. This is the love story of real hinge couple Odin and Edward, written and read by me, Curtis Garner. Listen to the free audiobook now. Hey friends, Olivia from OLLI. Between new routines and the ultimate group project known as parenting, you need science-backed solutions that work with your life. That's where OLLI comes in. Start your mornings off right with Maltese made to support nutrition and immune health. Choose from our lineup of gut-supporting probiotics. And we've got occasional sleep support to help the whole fam chase their big dreams.

0:36Head back to class with the number one gummy supplement brand. Stock up on Nolly.com today. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. Hello, you're listening to Shagged Married Annoyed Bumper Summer Best of... Part 3. We hope you're enjoying them so far. I know that we are enjoying kind of being nostalgic and thinking about all the old episodes again. Yeah, it's mad. Even before we've heard any of it, we get an email through from our wonderful producer, editor, third member of the team, Daisy.

1:09And I read the stuff and I'm like, oh my God, it's literally letters from the past. It is. It's like a time capsule. It's like, this is your life. Kind of, but with no guests, no audience, no famous people, just stuff I've said. This is interesting though, because what you're about to listen to is a time before Rafe, our youngest child, who is now four. Mad. Four and a half. Yeah. Didn't exist. Crazy. He wasn't born. I think in this one coming up, we actually talk about the idea of having other kids. More kids. Well, like, shall we? And you mention how completely, for want of a better word, fucked your mom felt.

1:46Oh, yeah, because she had three kids. Just goosed constantly at our wits' end. We've got holiday chat, weirdly, with it being summer. We get back from a holiday. We're talking about being on holiday. This is when I found out that you apparently didn't like eating on holiday. No, well, you already kind of got an idea of that because when we went to... The first holiday in Dubai when I was constantly starving. Yeah, I didn't eat at all. Bad times. I'm the same now, you know. I lost weight on that holiday. That's insane. Listen, you're welcome. I still do. Like, if it's really hot. I think it's because if it's really hot and I've got my cream on and I'm just sitting there, I don't want to have anything to eat.

2:19But if you bring something over, you better believe I'm scrambling it. Yeah. I'm 100 % scrambling it. I could eat a Sunday lunch in 34 degrees. That's just awful. I could, I swear. And you're the reason those pubs exist. Yes. Only fools and horses on the telly. Pictures of the breakfasts and pictures of the Sunday dinners. That's me. No air con. Massive Yorkshire pudding. Let's go. We've got old school questions from the public, which are some absolute bangers, which I really think you're going to enjoy. Yeah, we've got an email about safe words. And this episode is the birthplace of the infamous bang pillow.

2:53Oh my. The bang pillow. Which we genuinely nearly released as merch. Yes. We had one made. We've got one somewhere. I'm sure we released a pillowcase. Yeah, like the bang pillow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sure we sold that. Years ago. I'm sure. Oh my gosh. This is madness. Crazy. E, enjoy. Enjoy.

3:24Jingo. We hope you like the jingle. Jing. Go. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Jingo. How are you doing? How am I? Oh, babe, I'm fine. Yeah, I'm good, actually. Really good. I think we'll both sound a little bit more sprightly. We might have to calm down a bit. I think we're excited because we haven't done a podcast. I know. Sorry. Okay, chill. No, no. You don't have to say sorry. It's nice to be... Hey, you, stop enjoying yourself. How dare you. Do you know what? But the podcast is weird because, obviously, it's not like a TV show where it's really kind of fake. Not fake, but you know what I mean?

3:56Like done and you can edit it loads. This podcast, however we feel, that precise moment is kind of what you get. Yeah, absolutely. When it goes out. Yeah, hence why we'll have to do episode three twice because we're arguing. Because we're all right. Yeah, no, we're all right. I feel like we're connected well in our marriage on holiday. We did. We had a lovely little connection on holiday. We didn't have many fights, did we? No, not really. No, it was good. And we've kind of come to the conclusion because we had a conversation about it that when your kids, because we've only got the one, but when they get older and easier, you don't fight as much.

4:27No, you don't. It is just like, we didn't argue that we had a kid. It's the stress of having a child. Like, because you can't, you know, I can't call my son a C-U-N-T to his face, but I can call you one. Are you not meant to do that? What? What? Is that why he's been saying it? Is that why he called his nursery teacher it? Oh God. No, we're joking. You pent it up, don't you? Yeah, totally. Your aggression and your sort of, well, not aggression, tension and your anger and your annoyance and you're fired at the other person because the kid's just a kid it's a constant, it's going to be a dick no matter what yeah but now we find that he's got easier and it's lovely but we did talk this morning about possibly having another one at some point I know and we just stop telling people there's going to be pressure people are going to be tweeting us oh no no no pressure spread your seat tonight Ramsey no don't, I'm not pressuring it I just mean in the way that if we do have another one we're going to go back to square one and we're going to hate each other again so we need to remember this moment I'm documenting it yeah but people say it's easier for your second one don't they they do yeah but I have to put people who say don't have two oh really yeah so I don't know what I don't know who to believe who knows get in touch shagmarried annoyed at gmail.com if you have an opinion either way on having another child what should we do fair play like you know when you see people who've got like six kids and that I was on the train the other night coming back from London and I think she had four or five kids and to be fair the trim was delayed for like an hour and the kids were good as gold but I was just like holy shit man it's intense isn't it yeah there was three of us and I always remember my mum was just constantly on the verge of a mental breakdown bless her you could just see it in her face I just remember I've seen pictures and like we had the best childhood like full of happy memories and lush but we look back at pictures and she was miserable she even says she's like oh my god like I was just so tired and so exhausted constantly and I was like, I've got one and I get it.

6:21Yeah. I get it. Well, Sandra, should have kept your legs shut. Whoa! Kevin was an accident, hashtag just saying. Oh, Jesus Christ. It's my brother. But he was, but that's fine. Still love him. Oh, wonderful. It's good.

6:40Where does this podcast go? Where does it go? Tell you what, it hasn't aged her. It hasn't aged your mum. What? Having kids? No. Hasn't aged her. No, she looks great, doesn't she? Yeah. That was depressing on holiday. Really? I had a little secret cry about that. Did you? Well, we went on holiday with your mum and my mum and your dad and us two and Robin. Yeah. Your mum and my mum are both probably about a size six to eight. Yeah. Amazing figures. Both in the 60s. I felt like an absolute fat hippo on them sunbeds in between them two. I swear to God. Disgusting. Oh, you look gorgeous. I know. We did a little photo thing for you, for your little Instagram.

7:22You look fantastic. Yeah, I know. And I did some modelling for a swimwear company that I'm working for at the moment. No, but it's good. I felt great. I was married to a model for 15 minutes. You took the pictures, didn't you? I did take the pictures, yeah. Proper Insta husband. Still yet to get me fee for that, is it? Did you get me invoice? Possibly might give you a handjob next week. No, I'm going to need cash. you're saying I'm not very good I'm saying I can do that myself alright okay well you just do it I'll like be on my phone cool Instagram I won't Instagram that but I'll just be on Instagram probably and I'll I'll chuck you a tenner maybe we should negotiate this off here I can't feel I feel like I'm getting shafted here definitely not getting shafted Jesus you learned to negotiate Chris beef time what's your beef what's your beef what's your beef what's your beef that is the first time you've ever actually harmonised with me did I harmonised correctly that was good well done do I get a badge no gold sticker no you don't get anything gold shower you can have one of them anytime what's your beef you want me to go first you go first okay my beef with you recently It's been going on for a while.

8:45It's hitting a peak at the minute. I am living with two people. There is Rosie with all her good intentions. Love them both daily, but there is Rosie with all her good intentions, right? And then there is the Rosie who is a victim of that Rosie's good intentions. And I get bollocked from both of them. Example. This makes no sense. It will. Example. Rosie with good intentions. Chris, will you make me go on a run tomorrow? No problem, sweetheart. The next day. I don't want to go on a run. Come on, go on a run. Why are you making us go on a run? Why are you such a pig? You're such a dick. Why? Sorry, darling, you just said...

9:31No! It's not fair! Okay, sorry about that. Next one. Don't buy any sweets or chocolate, Chris. Don't buy them. do not buy them. Alright, no problems. Rosie, later that evening finishes her dinner. Is there any sweets or chocolate? You're told us not. Oh my God! Why are you such a dick? God! Can I have anything? It is unbearable. It's unbearable. Okay, alright. Listen. You can have that. First time ever. That is, yeah, you've got it there. Can't help it. I know. Because I've actually heard, I know I've said to you, It's unbelievable. Don't let us eat that, or tell us to do this, or blah-de-blah.

10:26Like, don't let us have nine bags of crisps. Just tell us off at five. And then when you do it, I'm like, Fuck you! It's craziness. And you know what I've even thought of, right? I've even thought of getting you to video a thing of yourself, like 50 first dates. like getting a video a little message going Rosie Chris is playing this to you now because I know you're asking for a bar of chocolate and you know you don't really want do you know what would happen I would show you that and you would go why are you showing us that you suck a dick I can't help it I've got problems do you know what I need I just need my jaw wired shut that's what I need I can't release a single that's what I got Kanye big well there you go to the wire Imagine this podcast.

11:14Rosie, why have you got chocolate minced through the wire in your thing? Rosie, why's the blender got melted chocolate in it? Why's there a syringe over there with Cocoa Pop milk in it? What do you keep crumbling cake for?

11:33Okay, what's your beef? Alright, my beef this week. I did have a different one, but this one ties in with the holiday that we've just been on. so it's fresh so one's been shelved for later so one's been shelved and this is a fresh one this holiday that we've just been on I was really disappointed in you you joined in with your parents and kind of my mum in the I just don't get hungry during the day on holiday

12:07don't get hungry during the day on holiday because why i mean why would your body need fuel on holiday because you're not doing anything no that's not a thing no it's not a thing that happens so if you follow my instagram you would have seen that on holiday i had to start a club on my own of secret scoffing. Can I just say I had to start a club on my own is the saddest sentence in the English language. because everybody else just didn't eat at all. Robin ate. Yeah Robin ate. Robin got off had food left right and centre. He was on about six meals a day that little twat. Me? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

12:50You know this we went to Dubai we've talked about this I don't eat during the day on holiday that's where I got it from I just don't do it. Reptiles. Reptiles Reptiles Just sit in the sun Don't Don't eat Don't drink I did have some ice cream And I did have some beer That doesn't count Although I couldn't have You can't just miss a meal Yeah Although I couldn't have many beer Actually do you know what it is You know what my beef Should have been with you That you got us a villa In the fucking mountains What so you had to drive I had to drive every day I couldn't even drink I lost weight on that holiday I lost weight on that holiday I lost weight on the holiday Which has been on I swear to god secret scoffing does not count as a meal what were you scoffing ham brilliant bits of carrots that I bought you love you love just going and getting bits of you're like Tony Soprano you know on the Sopranos where he would come in and he just opens the God I'll be honest with you it makes us hungry just thinking about it he would open the fridge and there'd be like that kind of butcher's paper and he'd be like deli paper and he'd be pulling it back and just bits of salami just bits of pastrami yeah pastrami hey hey montadella in the fridge I mean, this is bordering on races, but you know what I mean?

13:59That's Italian. That's what you're talking about. That's what you do. Yeah, that's what I was doing. Yeah, I love a bit of that. I love just going in and getting a bit of ham, a little bit of, like, I don't know, a bit of gherkin, possibly, like, a little breadstick. We genuinely ate really well on that holiday. Like, we're having barbecues on the night, just, like, little picky teas. It was amazing. I know. Well, because we were with the two skinniest women who I know. Do you know what I mean? Every night it was like... Your mum, who says she doesn't eat much, Then one night she took ten flumps to bed.

14:28I know. Like a cycle. Yeah, I was like, Mom, do you know why you're eating ten flumps in the middle of the night? Because your body is craving food. It's such a dry thing to eat. And then she must have woke up with a mouth like a fucking blackboard rubber. Like, what are you doing? Just get... Just get... Ten! Ten flumps! I didn't like what you said, Odin pauses, about the future. This is the love story of real hinge couple Odin and Edward, written and read by me, Curtis Garner. Listen to the free audiobook now.

15:23the whole fam chase their big dreams. Head back to class with the number one gummy supplement brand. Stock up on Ollie.com today. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Listening to this podcast instead of doom scrolling? Smart move. Another smart move? Getting help from one of State Farm's 19 ,000 local agents when you choose to bundle home and auto. Bundling. Just another way to save with the personal price plan. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state.

15:55Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. Hi Rosie and Chris. I work in a fast food restaurant. A girl I work with who is in her late 20s often comes to work with an enormous hickey slash love bite on her neck and they absolutely repulse me. My question for you is how would you feel if somebody tried to give you or how would you feel when you see someone with one, especially someone who works in customer service? Hope you're having a lovely week. Please keep me anonymous. Do you know what? I knew it was going to be quite a juicy little letter when they said, I work in a fast food restaurant and they didn't name the place.

16:38No, they didn't. If anything, I got me hope, so I was expecting like, you know, like pissing in the deep pad for iron stuff, but you know, we'll do with this. No, sorry. No, it's just, it's about... Ooh, hiccup. Thank you. Love bites. A hickey from Kinnicky's like a homework. A hiccup. I have never had one. I've never given one, I don't think. No. But I remember, this is tragic, I remember when I must have been 14, two girls from my school came onto my estate and were going out with two lads. This isn't you. This was before your time. I think I'd remember it. It wasn't you. Okay. I could say their names, but I'm not going to say their names on here.

17:22Do I know them? But if they're listening, they know who they are. One of them will be listening because I saw Iron Jumbo Gyms a couple of weeks ago and she said, I love the podcast. Great. You know who you are. They were going out with two lads. So they genuinely planned love bites. It was like, can we give you love bites? And they were like, yeah. What? We'll come round tonight and you can give her love bites. Oh. So they sat in me friend at the time in his garage. Classy. Girl and boy each. Giving each other love bites. Wow. In the dark. the boys giving the girls love bites in the dark yeah uh i was there as well

18:02in the dark what were you doing by yourself yeah this was before mobile phones

18:10genuinely they were over on one bit saddest i've only just remembered this and it's one of the saddest things I think I'll ever remember.

18:25I swear to God.

18:31That's the way down. Were you just watching them? So if you imagine, well no, because it was dark, I couldn't see.

18:42So imagine sort of the garage. What if I'm married? I don't know why I was there. I don't know why I didn't just go home. Oh, Chris. So, like, imagine the... So, I'm sitting here, right, against... The back's against the wall. The garage door's on me right. Now, across from me, one of them, the girl and boy, are across having their love bite session. And then sort of over to me left, they're, like, in the corner next to the sort of utility room door they're having their session. And I can just hear, like, you know, like, a little bit of, like... Was anybody else there? No, no, I was just there before, with me.

19:11I was just there, you know. probably had like I think I either had a football under my arm or I was either sitting on if I remember rightly I was either sitting on a football or a skateboard and yeah they just gave each other love bites and then one of them one of them was like one of them looked like a knife wound like it was the worst it was so horrendous and the other one was like because I was the judge I had to judge them at the end I'm joking I might as well have been You just made me remember something actually I remember when I was about 14 being in a garage and there was me and my friend and the two lads and we were giving each other love bites and there was a boy there.

19:53Shut up, man. It was you. Picture this though. Picture this though, right? So this is before phones. This is before anything. I'm sitting in the dark in a garage. Two people are sucking each other's necks. I'm just sitting there and I can't see anything. Oh, Chris. Rubbish. That's... That's the saddest story I've ever heard. That was my first love-biting experience on me own. Oh, bless you. Yeah. I don't know why I stayed. I should have just went home. I mean, you're just a young lad. Guys, we're talking about, you know, we're talking about, there's only four channels, five channels. There's nothing on the telly.

20:30I think at this point I didn't even have a VCR in my room. Did you? Did you? Did you have it? No. No. That's a disgusting thing to say. Oh, all right. Sorry. At least you might have had a bit of fun. Just on my own. Probably just, yeah. Hoping I could finish up and go back outside and play on my skateboards. Wow. Oh, Milhouse.

20:56God love you. One of our favourite episodes was when you were talking about how much sex people have in a week. We were around once a week and thought maybe that wasn't enough. So, we did it four times in 24 hours. Wowzer. Jesus, what was it? Bank holiday. Not a good idea. We were so sore. Oh. Oh, a bit too much. So now we've bought, get this, Rosie, a bang pillow. A bang pillow? Bang. B-A-N-G. Bang. A bang pillow. I'll tell you. Is that a put on the bits? A cushion in the putt. Cushion. A tiny pillow that says bang on it. Okay. And when one of us is feeling like a hump, brilliant, lovely, how romantic, it's feeling like a hump we leave it in a place for the other one to find there are some rules that go with the pillow but it has made our sex life more random and less routine we were wondering how you guys initiate your sex is it random or routine from and wait for this name Barnaby and Louise well isn't that just lovely childless Barnaby and louise barnaby would like a hump view the pillow look at the pillow humpeth is sooneth um how do we initiate sex well first of all uh she said there's some rules that go with the pillow and she hasn't said what the rules are which is really annoying i'm assuming it's the lady who's written this but well i don't know why you haven't told us what the rules are for the pillow because i've got my head's going crazy now what is it the way that pillow's angled is going to tell you which position they're going to do.

22:39Yeah, put it upside down. Is it what room the pillow is in? That's where you're going to have sexual intercourse. Or maybe if you have to do it, if you find the pillow on the floor, you've just got to bend over and put your head on the pillow and the other one just runs up on my head. Oh, God. Like wild animals. I don't like the sound of the bang pillow. That's not my cup of tea. Don't be getting any ideas on that because I'm not up for that. Personally, right, I don't think my morale and my self-confidence could take having a bound pillow thrown into me face and you shouting fuck off not a day and you can get that out of me face as well okay sweetheart you'd need like a calendar you need a special calendar to know when when i'm due on when i'm on when i'm just coming off and it's like rank i know when you're due on and when you're on do you oh yeah there's subtle hints there's subtle hints don't you stabby hints yeah there's something no so what do we do to initiate text because i've actually thought of this.

23:37Right. The way that we currently initiate sex with a three and a half year old and a bit of a stressful life is we kind of just calculate when the last time we had sex was and go, it's been ages. We should probably have sex. Have we started reverting to handshakes rather than hugs around the house? Probably time to have sex again.

24:02Did she sell over you and did a high Highfiver. I think I did. Probably time for sex again.

24:10So true. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Question for you both. What childhood misconceptions did you have? I believed for years that I had ginger hair because my mum ate ginger nut biscuits when she was pregnant with me. My other half thought to make a bee line for something meant travelling a path in the shape of a bee. would love to hear if you believed anything so weird as kids and if you'll let robin believe daft things kerry oh i've got a few come on then i love hearing your weird childhood stuff well i wrote some down because i obviously i pre-read this email um okay so i was where if you ate the crusts of bread you'd get curly hair yeah and can i just interject here my mom used to say that as a like an incentive.

25:01Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, I don't want curly hair. I see, I was. I was like, I want a bit beautiful. I see. No, that's, yeah, she was like, you got to eat your crust, you get curly hair. And I remember thinking, fuck that. Like, mother, I think you'll find, I think you'll find GHDs will be purchased by me in the future and I'm a boy. Well, wait for me. Carrots, hope you've seen the dog. Got you, yeah. Yeah. Good one. Never eaten. Everyone's next door neighbour was a police officer. do you remember that yeah yeah very good everybody yeah oh well we'll just go and get uh pc mcdougall who lives next door police officer come get you yeah they loved a bit of that didn't they everybody mrs dingleberry who lives in cleeden towers oh this remember mrs dingleberry explain explain to the listeners now please about mrs dingleberry okay mrs dingleberry my mum has been using Mrs Dingleberry for years okay so Cleeden Tower is where we live there's this big water tower and my mum and dad have always said that Mrs Dingleberry lives there and that's where all the naughty children get sent and Mrs Dingleberry isn't very nice right so we've always been terrified of Mrs Dingleberry you've got to go and live with her they used to literally pick up the phone be like bring her Mrs Dingleberry she can't pick you up we'd be like no my god no not mrs dingleberry um my sisters paging mrs dingleberry before that mate before that faxing mrs dingleberry so my sister's two little boys they're modern you know they're modern lads um one of them oliver was it oh i can't remember oliver daniel i can't remember which one it was but one of them one of them was terrified of Mrs.

26:49Dingleberry to the point me sister had to tell me mom mom you need to stop threatening them with Mrs. Dingleberry because he couldn't sleep he was so scared of Mrs. Dingleberry in the tower so we all had to stop using it as a threat and I don't know if she's done it with Robin yet I'm going to have to check we'll check when he gets back he's been with me mom to do be like Like, have you heard of Mrs. Dingler very well? Robin wouldn't care. Robin would want to go. If you could explain to Robin the concept that there's a tower you can go to with one woman and loads of naughty kids, he'd pack his own bag.