Bumper Summer Best Of - Part Two

0:00Should she say that about the kisses? Is that weird? She doesn't care. She presses send. This is the love story of real hinge couple Daniel and Roisin. Written and read by me, Rufy Thorpe. Listen to the free audiobook now. Sierra has all the best active and outdoor brands you need. From athletic stuff, like a full court pickup game, swish, to athletic-ish stuff, like a half mile stroll. Get those steps in! And for morning hikes up the mountain trail, good pace, to nighttime ghost stories from the camping chair. What a twist. Whatever level of active, Sierra loves it all. Head to Sierra or Sierra.com for the brands you want at the prices that let you do it all.

0:44From athletic to athletic-ish, Sierra's got it. Hello, you're listening to Shagged Married Annoyed Bumper Summer Best Of Episode 2. Bumper Summer Best Of! Oh yes, hope you enjoyed the first one. and hope you're still continuing to enjoy the main podcast every single week. And this is just a little, if it's the first time you listen to this, this is just a little extra because we know, you know, you might be on holiday, you might be traveling somewhere, you might just have a little bit extra spare time on your hands. So we hope you're enjoying yourself and us in the sun. And in our defense, it's been six years since we started this podcast.

1:14I think we're all right to go back. We've never done best ofs very often. Never done the best of. So I thought, why not? As a man, as a man, who when I watch a sitcom, they bring out a best of episode and I want to physically hurt everyone involved, I don't think I should be doing it. But I am a hypocrite. Why? Do you not like it best at all? Just upsets us. Why? Just upsets us. But everyone knows I'm a filthy, disgusting hypocrite. I mean, come on. Actually, in all of these, you probably hear us slagging off cold tubs. Do that now. Yeah. Big drinks of water. I'm currently holding a Stanley cup, which is bigger than my fucking torso.

1:43Yeah, no, I mean, we're both hypocrites. Disgusting, filthy hypocrites. But guess what? In this episode coming up, it's the first time we ever had to have a re-record of the podcast because we had an argument and it was dog shit. Oh, God. episode it was shit it was terrible whereas now what we do is if we have an argument we just call it off and do it later whereas we tried to soldier on did the full episode and went fucking hated that yeah i hate you as well separate rooms i would love to listen to that you know no chance i can't i'll get anxiety i wonder if daisy still got it she has she's just me just oh you mean the one that you mean oh you mean the one that we didn't release yeah i've got it have you i've got it yeah i've got it wow and you're not getting it it'll go to the grave with me oh my gosh this episode's got in when um you nearly died after going face to face with a seagull when you nearly fell out the top window do you remember yes i do remember that i do remember that i did that in stand-up as well i love that obviously we've got beef so we've got questions from the public again there's still celebrity questions matthew ashton from lego masters did a question for with it again don't know when we gave up them i think it was probably about six or seven weeks in.

2:50Yeah. But we hope you enjoy it. Thanks for listening. We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle. So this is the jingle. Jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Jingle. Thank you so much for coming back. This is episode three, but this is actually episode three, take two. It's a 3.1, isn't it? Yeah. We did record episode three yesterday, but we'd had an argument just before we started recording, and there's just an underlying hatred. Yeah, it's a really tense recording, to be fair. We listened to it back, and it was like, oh, wow, people would be like, is this the podcast of those two people who hate each other?

3:40So we thought we would tell you all genuinely what it is, because the jingle starts with we had a fight about the jingle. Which we did. Yeah. But we had a fight about the episode. We couldn't settle on the episode. Because people keep saying that we're couple goals and stuff and that we've got this... We don't. It's not. We argue a lot and we bicker. We don't have flaring arguments like screaming and shouting, but we're just bicker. And we had a little bicker and it was just... It was hard. We had the bicker while we were sat at the recording thing. It's hard to get rid of that. Yeah, so we're basically wanting to tell you all because we don't want anyone to feel like they need to measure up their relationship to what they think ours is.

4:23I mean, some of the emails we got is like questions about general, like agony and questions. Like we can fix people's... You guys are amazing. How do you keep this spirit? We can't. Yeah, this is... We are acting. This is... It's not that bad. I'm telling you, we're like Penn and Teller. We leave this little recording studio that we've got on the table and she walks to one end of the house and I walk the other end and I'll see you next week for episode four. I wish that happened. so anyway that's out the way and everything's fine today love you i love you too um but we had a nice bit of therapy afterwards didn't we what do you mean because we had the we recorded it and we're sat and listening to it more like look i'm sorry and then we'll listen more like look it doesn't sound great and then we just thought look we'll do it tomorrow we'll not bother about the the podcast today we'll get it fresh eyes fresh ears tomorrow and we went outside and we played in the garden with robin and i got a new toy out that you bought him so we opened the shed and there's a new toy that Rosie had bought him and I'd never seen it.

5:15It was like this B &M Bargains inflatable rocket. It's basically like one tube of a lilo with some fins on it and you blow it up and you just throw it like a javelin. And we, Robin must have known something was up. He asked me to throw it at you, then he asked you to throw it at me and we must have done that for 20 minutes.

5:39Like genuinely lacing at each other and it didn't hurt but it felt so cathartic and so on and I was just like throwing it and it was hitting you and then I was like I was literally standing I mean I feel like I feel like you've enjoyed this more than me no no but no Rosie I don't want to say I'm weird but I enjoyed being hit with it more than I enjoyed did you really I just stood there with my arms out like that like Jesus and you were just throwing it and it was just smashing into my chest and you went this is really therapeutic and I went I know Robin was just laughing his head off he's like they're great crack he's like no mate we're actually fleshing through our differences here honestly I nearly died last week what?

6:17thanks for asking how did you nearly no you did not no I did I nearly well I don't know if I'd have died but I think I'd have been really badly hurt so I was in I was in one of our rooms upstairs and I was getting ready and I heard some banging and we'd obviously had some work done recently from the builders that'd done like a door my window so part of our roof's flat oh yeah I do know about this yeah and I heard some banging and I was like right My immediate thought with no logic was, oh, the builders have just popped back and just started fixing something. I don't know. That was my immediate thought.

6:48And I went out and I could hear seagulls and I could hear banging it. And I was like, there's a bloody seagull on this roof, right? So I opened Robin's window. I don't know why I did it. No one was in the house. I think I was on my way to get in from nursery. I opened his window. I stood on the radiator, then the inside of the window sill. Then I stood on the outside of the window sill, held onto the window and I stood up and I looked onto the roof and I shit you not, I was about three millimetres away from the seagull, face to face with the seagull. And it just went, and I went, and I nearly fell out of the window and onto the drive.

7:19And that would have been the shittest way to die in the history of the world. Do you know what? I'd have lived a really bitter and twisted life if that's the way that you'd have died. Can you imagine? Yeah, yeah, make it all about you. Go on, make it all about you. No, but, oh God, I feel so sorry. What happened? Oh, he was looking out the window. He fell out. He was looking at a seagull and he got afraid. Imagine. Imagine what they'd call Robin at school. God, I mean, comedian Rod Hull, he fell off his roof and it was wet, but I think he was actually doing something. Yeah, he was actually like, but I think he was putting a satellite dish up or something.

7:54I was looking at a seagull. Why? Imagine that. It was frigging big seagull. Like the seagulls around here, man. They're like bloody rockwilers. The lethal mind. They're really bad because where we live, it's like a seaside town. And people have been known to be eating a sausage roll on King Street, right? The High Street. And they'll swoop down and eat it out of your hands. It's been normal. Honestly. And in the North, there is no greater crime than sausage roll theft. Exactly. I mean, you've got an interest in life anyway, but you married in my family and that's just hours of material. Oh, yeah.

8:26Absolutely, yeah. I mean, I love them. You hit jackpot, I think. Yeah, they're very, very funny. But yeah, we call your family, I call your family the Wombles. My rules, so I've got new rules in life since meeting Rosie's family and there's three of them. One of them is never tell anyone you're going to Costco. Well, because I do the... They'll put their order in. I do the CCP, don't I? The what? The Costco care package. Yeah, oh my God. I do one for a couple of people. Right, explain what you do. So we go to Costco and we buy stuff in bulk so we don't have to go shop at loads because we never really get the time.

8:57And on the way back from Costco, what do you do? We stop off at numerous family members' houses? Usually my mom and my nanas. Yeah. sometimes someone a couple of other people have had them but usually more so just my mum and my nana yeah yeah and you I just kind of decant a few stuff because you get a massive big thing so I give my nana a couple of toilet rolls and a couple and like a kitchen roll because they're quite big and then you get them big massive boxes of cherry tomatoes which we won't eat because it's huge so I put a few in a little bag a couple of aubergines some tender stem broccoli the garlic you get loads of garlic I give them a couple of garlic bulbs each well can I just say they buzz it fine Fine, the perishable stuff, the food, absolutely fine.

9:36But I'm specifically buying massive things of kitchen roll because I go through it and I want it, right? And I want it stockpiled and the toilet roll. You are giving half of our toilet roll away before we've got home. Like one, we might as well just go to Tesco and buy a normal packet. And two, the bloke in Costco thinks I've got something wrong with this. The luck he gives me when I leave with toilet roll every time. And I'm literally, my wife gives it away, mate. It's the Costco care package. Honestly, he thinks I'm building a fort. So, my three of yous are, you don't tell any of Rosie's family you're going to Costco.

10:13I know. Do not let them know you've got a printer. Oh, that's, yeah. Yeah. Don't let anyone know. Don't let anyone. I'm genuinely, I think that when you buy a printer from Curry's or wherever, right, I think they've got a little button that they press, like a panic button underneath, and they press it, and it scans your face, and it sends a little email to everyone, you know. He's got a printer. By the way, he's got a printer. How many boarding passes you want printed out there? Don't pay a pound to get your train ticket to live out of your house. Muggins down the road, who you're married into, has got a brand new printer.

10:41Got a CV you want handed in? Honestly. Ramsey's. Unbelievable. And the third one is don't... What? Don't let them know you've got a skip. Oh, yeah. Or a loft. Storage. Well, that's four. Yeah. No, no, no. All I'm saying is, yeah, well, it's because don't... The stuff we've got in the loft upstairs now. Your mum puts stuff in the loft, which is fine. Sandra, I love you. I'm glad you put stuff in our loft. Not a problem. We'll help out whenever we can. Stop telling your friends, stop telling your friends and acquaintances that we've got a big loft. Because do you know what? It's getting smaller every time you tell someone.

11:18I've heard her. I'm sick. You're sticking in Rosie and Chris's loft. The shite we've got up there. It's shite and all, isn't it? It's like we've got people's garden chairs and that. but they've been there for like three years. It's unbelievable. So they don't need them. Yeah. Well, I'll never forget the time when I was emptying the skip when your dad came round. Derek, again, I love you, mate, right? But I'm emptying the skip. Well, I'm emptying, sorry, I'm emptying the garage and the kitchen when we first got this house into the skip. Every other thing I pick up, Derek's standing there with a beer and he's going, what was it?

11:49What was porcelain? Are there porcelain tiles? Are they off that fireplace? I'll tell you what, Christian, put a little pile of them in there. I could get a couple of quid for them, Bertley Market. I don't know what the market was, but anyways so i pile them up and then suddenly the pile next to the skip of the crap that your dad's acquiring it's almost matching what's in the skip right but the house is empty and so i'm over the moon so the kitchen's empty and the garage is empty and it's you know really therapeutic getting the whole thing clean you're giving i'm giving away and that's absolutely fine so we had a lovely pile of stuff by the end the garage was clear skip was half full the rest of it was on the drive for derek i said come on then derek i'm gonna have a beer with you but first let's get all this stuff and put it in your car he went i haven't got the car today mate can you put it back in your garage i said derrick god damn you god damn you it was literally one step forward two steps back i'll tell you right now it went in the next skip we got

12:45unbelievable like a toddler like i want that and then he looks away from it he doesn't want it anymore oh bless him but you know we'll love you all what's your beef well my beef this week and just quickly before I do the beef I thought I'd run out a lot quicker than I have honestly you're the gift that keeps on giving I swear I've got loads got loads so this week my beef with you sorry you've just said what you've said is you're the gift that keeps on giving you've just said you're so irritating I've always got something to whinge about thank you Christopher when you're in a relationship like ours I need to look at the positives of the negatives do you know what I mean You've got to take a positive from the negative.

13:29Anyway. So my beef with you this week, right, which you actually only did about half an hour ago. Wow. You like to look out of the window at our garden and ask me almost every single day if you can buy some sort of random storage shed or hut. or table. I knew you were writing that down as you were telling us. Chris, it's so often. It's nearly every day, I swear to God. What do you think? Should I get a little bike shed? Should I get a little hut over there? But you never do. You just keep asking us all the time and you're never fired. And what have you got to put in it? You've got now to put in it.

14:16My stuff, right? My trinkets, my things, my hopes, my dreams, right? My gardening implements. You don't have any. My wood. I've got wood. I've got my logs that I put in stuff. I've got seeds for the birds. We've got a shed. You're a shed. Oh, wow. You don't even. I panic. I actually panic. No, you know what I want, right? I want one of them tall ones. Because we've got the shed at the front, right? But I want one at the back for when I'm doing my little barbecue and that. But they look disgusting. But I just want to keep stuff in it, though. Yeah, I know. well you know what we had a garage remember the garage that we had that we had to get changed into a room to put your pool table in excuse me your washing machine and dryer are in there too international woman's day wow oh my washer and my dryer oh you knob and I do I want storage I want all kinds in a perfect world I mean I've genuinely looked into it I've looked into underground storage in the garden so that I can like open a trap door and just go under and there'll be like a basement under the grass I've looked into it I've looked into most things I've looked into underground storage in my house I looked into putting a basement in the house.

15:21Are you joking? I looked into it. It's just not happening. Have you made an air raid shelter on the bottom of the garden for the lawnmower?

15:34Is it the Blitz? Can I just say, we haven't got a lawnmower. I'll tell you why. Can you remember that Christmas when my dad bought a lawnmower? Oh, fuck. Have you seen that? No. I've never seen it. No, he keeps it in his van. It's his frigging lawnmower. He bought himself a lawnmower and passed it off as a present for me, like a frigging tax expense. I've never seen it yet. I've never done it. I don't even know what it looks like. Probably green. Yeah, probably good guess. And orange. Howie, then, what's your beef with me? Okay, my beef with you, Rosie Ramsey. Yes. Brackets, chocolate quilt and shit pig.

16:09Great. Closed brackets. My beef with you is you insist on asking me where something is before you've looked for it, before you've thought about looking for it, before you've moved, before you've opened your eyes. Sometimes it's nothing to do with me. Sometimes it's a shared implement, like a car key or something. Other times it's just something random that I don't even know exactly. This morning, you were standing in the kitchen and you turned to me and said, where have my car keys gone? I looked up at you and I could see them. They were less than a foot away from you. But you just got like, it's like a horse with blinkers on.

16:49You just go bolt upright, you're letting your back go straight. And you go, where's my keys? And you don't turn your head, you don't leave the room. You just assume that they've just gone. And I've got to fight you. It's absolutely mind-boggling. Where's my slippers? if I get what pay you've got numerous pairs of slippers alright okay well yeah it's just something like it doesn't take much to ask just words come out yeah but like the car keys right you saved me at least four seconds right because I would have went oh where are they oh there they are there they are right but you told us so but it's like it's where you know where it is like halfway through this podcast I'm sitting looking at you now.

17:39Halfway through this podcast, I wouldn't be surprised if you asked where your microphone and headphones are. I think you're exaggerating. I think you need to start. Just look first before you ask me. I'm busy. Got jobs now, you know. I've got like two jobs now. You've got a little office now, haven't you? Yeah. I'm a mate. I'm a working woman. So take your shit elsewhere. Did you just click a pen? I did. You wonder what that noise was there, guys. Rosie said she was a working woman and then she held a ballpoint pen up to the microphone and click the top of it to prove she was a working woman. I'm a working woman.

18:11I bought this pen with me first paycheck. Ready? Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. I don't think I can be your friend, Isabella said. Rebecca's stomach flipped. This is the love story of real hinge couple Isabella and Rebecca, written and read by me, Temby Denton-Hurst. Listen to the free audiobook now. Sierra has all the best active and outdoor brands you need. From athletic stuff, like a full-court pickup game, swish, to athletic-ish stuff, like a half-mile stroll. Get those steps in! And for morning hikes up the mountain trail, good pace! To nighttime ghost stories from the camping chair.

18:53What a twist! Whatever level of active, Sierra loves it all. Head to Sierra or Sierra.com for the brands you want at the prices that let you do it all. From athletic to athletic-ish, Sierra's got it. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Listening to this podcast instead of doom scrolling? Smart move. Another smart move? Getting help from one of State Farm's 19 ,000 local agents when you choose to bundle home and auto. Bundling. Just another way to save with the personal price plan. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings And eligibility vary by state

19:34My beef this week is You will not let me buy a caravan I would like to buy a caravan It's a ridiculous beef It's a very serious beef And it's quite a current beef And it's a bit chewy And it's getting stuck in my teeth I'm not happy about it I would like to purchase a caravan a little well I say a little quite a nice caravan a tourer right to put on the back of our car to go places take our little boy places yet you have this stupid thought in your head that caravans are just this certain thing that you don't agree with it's a toilet on wheels what it's a toilet on wheels it's much more than that it's the worst would get a four berth I don't know what that means means four people can sleep in it double bed There's only three of us.

20:27Well, then, extra room. Right. Extra bed. We could have a guest. Right, listen. Okay, there is a part of me, there is a very small part of me that thinks, yeah, a caravan holiday might be nice. Don't give us hope. I am not buying a bastard caravan to test out whether a caravan is nice or not. Right? But borrowing a caravan might be... See, you just grimaced. I saw your face there. You grimaced it to borrow a caravan. Why? I'll tell you why. Because it's a toilet on wheels. because it's full of other people's pumps. It is a big plastic box on wheels of pumps full of pumps. They're never as nice as the new ones that you can buy.

21:03Right, yeah, yeah. And we'll buy it and I go out in it once and I go, do you know what? I was right, that was a toilet on wheels. What am I going to do with this? Do you know what? Come on. When was the last time you went in a caravan? Listen to me, right? When was the last time you went in a caravan? I've regularly been in a caravan. My friend's grander had a caravan in his garden and he used to do jigsaws in it and I've been in that caravan. How old were you? I was about seven. Right, oh my God. That is so long ago. It was my mate's granda and he did, he went in Rosie, right? Yeah. In his caravan in the garden.

21:32And sometimes my mate will be like, let's go go in my granda's caravan. Like as if it was like a den that you hang out in. And he went in and his granda was there doing his jigsaw. Yeah. It was like a 6 ,000 piece jigsaw or something, right? And every single surface in the whole caravan had little plastic bags of jigsaw pieces on. So he had like a little bag of sky over there and a little bag of like animals and a little bag of corner pieces. and it was just, oh God. I'd love to do that. It was just like, in my caravan. Yeah, so it was like, let's go and sit in your granddad's caravan and not move in case we'll knock some of these frigging jigsaw pieces on the floor.

22:05It was ridiculous. We had a caravan on our front. Right. I've told you this on the drive. Yeah, this is the best. Right. You had a caravan, your family owned a caravan, right? Well, we got given a caravan. Right. Explain. Well, we got given a caravan and it just sat on the driveway because at the time, my parents didn't have a car. It's my favourite story in the world. My dad went back to university. Hold on, hold on. So, a friend, explain. So how did you get it? Who was it again? It was our old headmaster at school. Yeah. Gave us a caravan. Explain the terms of getting the caravan. Well, I don't know.

22:45Why do you know this more than me? What were the terms? This is my favourite story in the world because your mum told us the ins and outs of it. so he said do you want my caravan and you went absolutely your mom your mom would have a free you could literally go to you could go to rosie's mom do you want this bag of rubbish she'd go of course for free i don't have to pay you for it and remember you're a wobble so your headmaster said your mom do you want a caravan and your mom went of course and he went great you've got to go and collected from the caravan site so your da had to get in a car with his mate and go up and collect it and his mate charged him something extortionate like 50 quid petrol to go and get this caravan and then you dragged it back to your house on King George Road and it sat on the drive because you didn't have a car do you know what you got you got a fucking conservatory with any windows you're taking the We used to all go sit in it like at different times.

23:47I caught my mum having a coffee. Your mum going to have a coffee in the caravan. I'm going into the sunroom. We haven't got a sunroom. I mean the caravan. I've sure we slept in it a couple of times. It was fab. It's like a little extension of the house. It was great. I bet your neighbours were thrilled. Yeah, I know. I bet you jet washed that patio and it's a different colour underneath. Oh, Jesus. I don't know where that went. No. The toilet didn't work. I don't think so. So it was on your drive. Well, where would it have went? Was it bricks? Propped up with bricks? Yes. You scumbag! It had wheels, but the top, the front bit, just had the two wheels, so the front bit was propped up with bricks.

24:26Oh, Jesus Christ. Tragic. Oh, man. Bad times. You should have started a jigsaw. Oh,

24:35look here, right? If there's anyone out there who's got a geek, posh, nice caravan and they want to lend it to me and Rosie for the weekend, right? Do it. I'd love to, actually, so I can get him into the new caravan world. But you're saying to me as well, you said, what did you say the other day? You said, it would be lovely if you get a caravan. It would be really nice. We could pick Robin up from nursery on a Friday afternoon. You know, we'll just go to France. Hey, go to France on a Friday from Newcastle. 50 mile an hour down the A1M. That'll be amazing. We'll be in France by Saturday night.

25:05When do we want to get home? Sunday night. So we'll get there, have a fucking croissant, turn around and drive back. I follow a lot of southerners on Instagram and all I say is just drove to France for the weekend I'm like alright you've got five hours on us love you've got more than five in a caravan you're talking 58 million an hour for god's sake we'll just go to the lakes Cumbria Yorkshire Edinburgh the main thing for me is watch the in between us Jay's dad has a shit in the caravan while they're all having the dinner and he's just why do you just keep thinking about the toilet? Because that is what it is.