Buzz Ballz, Pasta Puns and Safe Sex Tips from Chris!

28:11and you started trying to get in between them and calm them down. And it was carnage. And I was dying. One of the funniest things I've ever seen because as they were fighting and you were telling them off and trying to rag them off each other, the skeleton emoji face was just incrementally jumping from one person's head to the other. Whoever like happened to glance in the direction of the iPad became the skeleton in this fucking carnage scenario. My God. I was like, Carl came in because I was laughing so much. I started choking. God, it was good. God, it was good. Went all in my pyjamas. I was in my dressing gown.

28:48You were in your dressing gown. Yeah, just, get off here. Skeleton. Oh, mum, he's done. Skeleton. No, Robert, it's not. Skeleton. Fucking amazing. That's a sitcom. God, it was great. You should write that down for a sitcom. You ever bother writing anything. Can't be honest. Speaking of sitcoms. Yes, I love a sitcom. We randomly started re-watching Heaven the other day. Oh, do you know what, right? It didn't pass us by because you were in it and I watched it because we were together and you were in it. But I don't think, what age were we when we watched it? 26, 27? 26, 27, yeah. I did not fully appreciate how funny it is.

29:29Same. Heaven, it's on iPlayer. I was in it, Vic Reeves was in it. Oh my God. Gina McKee. Gina McKee. Vicky Elliott, Lisa McGurlis. Kimberly Nixon. Kimberly Nixon, Neil Granger. absolutely written by Jason Cook. Oh, it's so... Written by Jason Cook. My God. The joke rate is like... The gag rate is phenomenal. That's what it is, gag rate. Yeah, there it is. Loser. And I remembered, right, I had a really odd interaction on the internet while I was on there and I completely forgot about it until I was watching it the other day. What? So I was... I think I must have been in... We're talking a lot about Nights Out here, but I think I must have been in Dusk in South Shields.

30:10Memories. our favourite nightclub in South Shields that we got together in. And I was in there one night while I'd been on Heaven. I won't have a bad word said about Dusk. Oh, Dusk was amazing. So I was in there one night while I'd been in Heaven. And obviously some lads took umbrage to me being there because they were just pissed. I must have just thought that I thought I was the man. And I was on Twitter one night just sitting there. Your character is quite arrogant. Yeah. In Heaven. And if I'm pissed and I'm with all my mates in a nightclub, I was probably being a bit of a dick anyway. Not a dick, but I was probably just being a bit, But, you know.

30:40You were. Yeah, follow myself. You were. As a young kid, I was on the telly. Why the hell not, right? Now, this lad, he tweeted us out of nowhere just one night. I was sitting on Twitter and I just got this tweet and it said, I saw you in dusk at the weekend thinking you were the man. You're in a show called Heaven, mate. Grow up, right? And I remember I tweeted him back. I don't normally celebrate me victories, but I tweeted him back. I said, mate, you're in a show called Nout. Ask your mom next time she's bathing you. Right. And I've never had this on the internet before, but about 13, 15 of his mates all piled in just going, he's fucking done you.

31:26And they're all like, we're hammering this guy. They were all like on my side, like hammering the mic going, what were you thinking? He's fucking hammering. And he came back and he was like, I'm really sorry. I don't know why I thought I could take you on on Twitter. but it was such a lovely, wholesome little experience. Yeah. Oh, he's dead now. Good. Mm-hmm. Good. Mm-hmm. Do you know his mom drowned him in the bath? I think that's what I heard.

31:54Brun Breed. Dead. He's not. He's not. He's not dead. He might be. We're not making light of that. No, he might be dead, but I don't think it's got anything to do with you or that interaction on Twitter because we are nearly 40. He could well be dead. He could be no longer than you. Gotta happen sometime. He's younger and stop it. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. So, you know, obviously, a reoccurring thing on this podcast is I don't watch the news or know what's going on in the world at all because I get triggered by it and upset and full of anxiety because I'm pathetic. But my Instagram knows this, so I only get sent and shown wacky, wacky dude on news stories, right?

32:30Like what we used to do in Extra, Extra, Extra. Oh, yeah. This one's popped up, right? Which I just think is genius, right? So a guy, right? A 28-year-old Californian man allegedly, they always say that even though he blatantly did it, bought expensive Lego sets, opened them carefully, took all the pieces out, returned them to the store with, instead of the Lego pieces in there, with bags of pasta, dried pasta in the bags and sealed up in the boxes. took them back, oh, don't want anymore, took them back, got his money back and kept all of the Lego sets. Wow. Isn't that incredible? I mean... Now, listen to this.

33:11I know you think it's bollocks, but listen to this, right? He allegedly pulled the same scheme on roughly 70 times across target locations in California, Texas, Tennessee, New Jersey and Florida, racking up around$34 ,000 in fraudulent refunds. Wowza. Isn't that incredible? But you'll get caught. Well, filling them up with dry pasta, I don't know how he thought he was going to spaghet away with it. Yeah. His mum and dad should have totally eaten better than that. Eh? Honestly, it's true. I know it sounds a bit far-fally-fetched, but... Oh, Jesus Christ, how many is there? Two more. They've just rested him in his house.

33:50Apparently, they've just knocked you down the door. That's actually potato. It's not pasta. Yeah, it's simple. It's not even the same. They've got him now, though. He's in the state penny.

34:02yeah what I have nothing to say I have nothing to say that's your your tour is quite good this is quite good quite alright why do you catch us off guard with this shit stuff that's bad listen I'm good at puns It's time to tell you all your friends about it. No. Yeah? I won't. Did you think of that when you were watching The Sopranos? Yes, yes. I'm currently re-watching The Sopranos. Question? No, it wouldn't be anywhere near the same amount of money. What? You'll have lost a bit of money off all the pasta you've had to buy.

34:50Do you know what I mean? We'll take a few quid off the apartment. Yeah, you've got to take... So it'll not be that much. You'll have probably spent about£1 ,000 in pasta. Maybe. Do you know what I mean? Maybe. Maybe. Anyway, well done. Do you want a well done? Nah, not if it's forced. Not if it's forced. It was good. They weren't that good. They're not supposed to be. They're puns of shit. Okay, yeah. Deliberately shit. Well, if you want to sell out your tour, don't be doing that on the one show. I'll not be doing that on the one show tonight. No, no, no. Well, I wonder who you're going to be on with.

35:20Stephen Topkinson. Stephen Topkinson. Oh. Yeah, Stephen's on. Oh, he's lovely, but I wouldn't know him. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I know him. I want to be all my famous people. Every time I watch one of my peers on, there's fucking someone massive's always on. I mean, don't get me wrong. Stephen Tomickinson, ledge. Love him. Okay, tell him I said hello. Nah, nah. But that's annoying. The time you said that it's annoying that I've gone with him and that he's not famous enough, I'm going to tell him that. Hey, I don't think he's not famous enough. Stephen Tomickinson is a legend. But you know him. You want to be on with someone you've never met before.

35:51That's always the exciting bit about Chachos, isn't it? Although I do talk about it in my tour, our track record with Chachos. I know. Actually, Stephen Thompson, safe pair of hands. We were on with, was it Miles Teller? Miles Teller. And Jennifer Connelly. Yes, that was pretty cool. Both all right, Touchwood? That was pretty cool, yeah. Seemed to be. They're still thriving. If you don't understand what that means, you have to come see me and you two and hear about that. Tickets on, see if that's the audible egg. No pasta jokes.

36:16K-pop Demon Hunters, Saja Boy's Breakfast Meal and Huntrix Meal have just dropped at McDonald's. They're calling this a battle for the fans. What do you say to that, Rumi? It's not a battle. So glad the Saja boys could take breakfast and give our meal the rest of the day. It is an honor to share. No, it's our honor. It is our larger honor. No, really. Stop. You can really feel the respect in this battle. Pick a meal to pick a side. And participate in McDonald's while supplies last. Pepsi Prebiotic Cola, an original and cherry vanilla. That Pepsi taste you love. with no artificial sweeteners and 3 grams of prebiotic fiber.

36:57Pepsi Prebiotic Cola. Unbelievably Pepsi. Amazon presents Jeff vs. Taco Truck Salsa. Whether it's Verde, Roja, or the orange one. For Jeff, trying any salsa is like playing Russian roulette with a flamethrower. Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon And stocked up on antacids, ginger tea and milk Habaniero? More like habanier, yes Save the everyday with Amazon It's time for What's Your Beef? What's your beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef I would love to I would fucking love to punch one in the face Me? No, not you Terrible, terrible punching technique there, by the way Well, I've never done it. You've never punched someone, ever?

37:49No. Wow. No. That's mental, that. Girls don't punch. No? No. Just grab hair and bend down. Well, I've never really had a fight. Really? Mm. Wow. With Kate, I used to fight, but I've never had a fight fight. I have been attacked. I love that you've never physically punched someone, but you have swung a hairdryer around by the cord to hit your sister with it. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine skipping straight from hand-to-hand comeback to fucking jet, like, sorry, air-propelled weapons. Yeah, we never punched. Me and my mom slapped each other. Will she be okay with you saying this on you? Well, what's she going to do?

38:25Wow. Tell us off. What's she going to do? Snap us on. I remember it was, uh, top of the stairs. We had a little landing at the top of the stairs. When you go up the stairs, and then you had a little landing, then you would go up another set of little stairs. And it was on there. And, uh, I called her a bitch. and she slapped us. So I slapped her back. And then it was just a bit like... And then we stopped. And then we're all right. Was there crying and kisses afterwards? Yeah. Oh, that's nice. Very, very intense hormones. You know me. You know me now. Imagine me as a teenager. Oh, Jesus Christ.

39:00Oh, me. Okay, ladies first. What is your beef? You keep on using a word around the children that I don't think is appropriate. I don't think it's that bad, but I think if they said it at school, or if they called anyone this at school, they might get wrong. Is it PC? What have I been doing? You keep calling people troglodytes. You've been doing it a while. I mean, I quite like it, but I just think... Right. You've actually been doing it for years, but I just think in front of the kids, I don't think it's a good word to use. Is it a really bad word? No, I'd Google what it means. I'll tell you, it says, a troglodyte, I can never say this.

39:40This is terrible. I'm so sorry. A troglodyte is primarily a person who lives in a cave.

39:48I stand by it. I stand by it. Particularly in prehistoric times, derived from Greek for hole dweller, it is also used informally to describe someone with outdated reactionary views or someone who is antisocial, reclusive or uncultured. Right, yeah, yeah. You're not far off. I'm telling you, when I've used it, it's been absolutely 100 % warranted. Yeah. It has. But I just don't think... Please stop saying it in front of the kids. Okay. So I remember using it recently, and it was where we were in it. Me thing is, when I had part-time jobs and stuff when I was younger, and I was in service, like shops or restaurants or anything like that.

40:33You made it sound like the army, but that's fine. You worked at All Sports. All Sports and the Stadium Life. A silver service, I think you'll find. But like, you know, I remember some places not getting jobs and thinking, oh my God, I mustn't have been good enough. And then like trying there. But some people in shops and in restaurants, I would fully believe that they'd never had a conversation until the minute that I speak to them. Oh, don't get me started. Yeah, because of my service. I don't want to say where it is. I don't want to dig in right now. But we were somewhere the other day. And I always give people the benefit of the doubt.

41:06I'm never nasty to anyone, but I'm going to go back to me table and I'm going to slag you off the fuck to me wife. That's what I do. But you're not going to hear it. I'm not going to have a go at you. But we've started doing something recently, which I think works quite well. If anyone's rude, young people of a certain generation, if they're rude and they just can't talk or hold a conversation properly, we now go back to the table and say to Robin, that's because they're on their phone too much. Yeah, that's pretty good. Yeah, yeah. They can't have an actual conversation because they're just looking at their phone.

41:33We're ordering stuff, food, in a restaurant, We were with the kids. And I was looking through the menu and I wanted something sort of, you know, a bit of a create your own kind of thing. And I ended up backing out of getting that because of how useless the person was I was speaking to. Because I remember I said loads of different things, but I remember the moment I thought, I'm just going to order off the menu here. I said, can I get the sausage bap on a brioche? Because there was options on the thing. And the person went, is that on sourdough or a brioche? And I went, brioche? and they went and was that sausage?

42:08And I thought what the fuck just happened? I told you the thing and I specifically said what it was and then you re-asked again. No, the attention span of young kids now is fucked. What would their reaction have been if I said alright, can I have the sausage sandwich on the brioche please? And they went is that on the sourdough? And I went brioche and then they went is that sausage? Oh no, sorry, I said Sunday dinner. Would they have gone oh yeah you did I wasn't listening or would they go no you said sausage well what the fuck are you asking us for then like and yes and yes I shouldn't say troggers out in front of the children but sometimes it is and I love that it means living in a cave because I was dead worried it meant something worse than that but living in a cave is fucking perfect I mean it's like you say it's not that but I think it's a bit derogatory I thought no it's very derogatory but it's very apt stand by it but it's apt for some people an iPhone cave that they all live in where they don't look up from their phones to have a conversation with any other human I don't have a beef with you this week.

43:06You have been... I'm aghast, by the way, if you can't say us. You genuinely have been an absolute delight. Don't get us wrong, we'll have our bad weeks when you're, you know, it's not your fault, but you're difficult. I know. Let's be honest. I know, I know. But I have been doing Newcastle City Hall gigs and three nights in a row I came back, there was a glass of wine waiting for us. First night, you literally said to me, I said, I don't know what I'm going to have because I sometimes beat myself up. I'm like, I shouldn't eat after gigs. Madness. I saw a thing years ago where Jimmy Carr said he lost loads of weight because he stopped eating after gigs.

43:40And I was like, oh, well, if I eat after gigs, I've got this thing in the head. No, but you don't eat enough calories in the day. I know. So that's the problem. You don't eat like, which is fine because if you're not exuding energy, you don't need, you have like a huel or whatever. Yeah. And then you'll just not, then you'll have like a tea, but then you can't, I know what it's like being on stage. The energy that you use, even doing this podcast, after this podcast, I am ravenous. yeah yeah yeah it's a it's a different sort of energy it's like an adrenaline and if you don't have something to eat you're going to wake up in the middle of the night starving i do yeah so yeah first night you were like go and do yourself something you're like go on and you're like i've left you some croissants use the croissant put some ham in put them in the oven and cheese that was amazing second night next level you had wine waiting for us and you ordered a chinese and kept me a chicken chow mein noodles which is literally the only thing i like from the chinese it was amazing.

44:28Third night, more wine. Look at you trying to get us drunk. After a third kid. I was definitely drinking before you came in, every single night. Lasagna. Lasagna, ready to wake up with a little auxiliary salad on the side. Ready to heat up, sorry, not wake up. Yeah, just... Thank you. Thank you very much. Because you used to genuinely think that when I was on tour I was just pissing around and having a right laugh until you did the tour with me and you realized how tiring it is yes yes and no no no i mean i still think you're pissing around most of the time with carl but the only thing i can say is currently the kids are that little bit older i just don't feel as stressed out by them and don't listen they're not a walk in the park having kids is not easy but it's just a bit easier and life's a bit simpler and you know um i'm happy to do it i love you well i love you too and thank you very much and no beef you got away scot-free it's sad that that's all it takes to impress you though I mean good for me but listen I'm an easily impressed guy yeah me too I'm a very simple little guy me too all good alright love you love you it's time for questions from the public questions from the public public public as always if you'd like to get in touch it shagged marriedannoyed at gmail.com and the phone number for the whatsapps which I'm about to read off the podcast page that I do every single time.

45:57The phone number, if you want to send a WhatsApp voice note at any point, it is 07874406650. That email again. For everything else, shagwaringlord at gmail.com. Please send us stuff in. We love it. Thank you. Dear Rosie and Chris, I was telling this story to someone the other day and thought it would be good for the podcast. Okay. This is the story of the night I lost my virginity. Yay! Congratulations. and celebrations and celebrations I want the world to know that you're a massive slag hey or or no slag yeah yeah slagger slagger slagger slag that was boy or girl what's the masculine of slag slag legend don't you be so ridiculous do you want to sorry Mr.

46:46Incel I didn't I didn't think it would get as much of a bite as it did you can't say stuff like that nowadays. I was in second year of uni and after struggling with anxiety and low self-confidence during high school, I was finally mingling with boys. Wow, congrats. I was still quite nervous about the actual big event and so whilst I would neck on with guys on nights out, it would never go any further. Oh, they love that though. They love that. What? Oh, you can neck on with her but she doesn't want, makes them want you more. Does it? Yeah. Oh. Oh, she kisses everyone but nothing else. Oh, well.

47:21I shall be the one to break down the drawbridge. This doesn't sound very nice. No. No. Okay. Okay. Just wanted to tell you that you don't sound very nice. But also, girls, there's nothing wrong. There's nothing wrong. If you want to do it and it's consensual and you want to have a nice time, then do it. And if you want to just kiss, that's absolutely fine. Well, yeah, everything's fine. Yeah. As long as it's what you want to do. Don't ever feel pressured. But also, if you get caught up in the moment, go with it that's what life's all about there we go from one slag to another wow stay slaggy I need to be careful you know because I think sometimes I'll throw the word slag around in public and people think why are you saying that terrible word that's so derogatory I think my wife says it so often that it just rubs off on us yeah and also I think you are not a chauvinist man at all like honestly you're very much under my thumb and I think you like being there.

48:21Listen, wow. No, I think you do. But sometimes you say something as a joke that if anybody else, if a really chauvinist man said it, it would be like disgusting when you say it and I know you don't mean it. Does it just come across as pathetic? No, but maybe people don't know. Everyone knows you now. Look, I'm trying to fit in with the bigger boys. No, everyone knows you on the podcast now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you like being under my thumb? I think you need it personally because, I mean, bearing in mind, you're going to be 40 this year. we've owned a lot of houses you asked me how to use the washing machine yesterday and genuinely I was aghast well do you know what it is right because you went I went tell us the rules you nearly put it on for an hour and a half well I went tell us the rules I wanted them dead clean I said tell us the rules with clothes and then you were like oh well these are darks oh no now now that we've got that oh no that can go with that and you went oh they can go in with lights and that can go in with darks and I went to you sorry the two things that you've put in the separate piles are different, are exactly the same colour and you're like, oh, I saw the word and I was like, she just fucking makes this up as it goes along.

49:22Yeah, like I can't even work. Listen, the washing does change depending on what you have to wash. It's awful. There's too many. Look, there's too many. I honestly thought it was whites, blacks, colours, but now there's light colours, there's dark colours. Listen, if you want to go out looking like a shabby scruff, being, you know, washed out and all of your colours running into each other, then that's up to you but we've got a 28 minute wash on that washing machine and a 15 minute spin but like that's so fast so actually you know you can take a bit more time always whites separate to blacks for sure but then I've got some t-shirts that are like off cream well then it depends what the white stuff is that you if it's the kids shirts I wouldn't put it in but if the kids shirts aren't oh my god listen listen to this story about this lass getting booked for the very first time in her life.

50:16And I'm back in the room. Got you. I knew that would get you. You pig. Right. Listen. So she's finally mingling with the boys. Still quite nervous about the actual big event. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is something grim that I thought of. I don't want to go off too off-piste, but I can't remember some of my earlier times. Right, wow. Just can't remember. Is that alcohol? No, because I'm old. Oh, okay. Can you remember? You know when stuff happens in the moment. Every single one of them. Every single one of them. God, I miss them so much. I could draw you. I could get some of your drawings out that I've done of it.

50:50Some of your paintings, your watercolours. And I've wrote a lot of poetry about them all. Okay, great. Not about you. Not about me. No, just about everything pre-you. You were obsessed with me when you met me. Don't even date. You still are now. Right, listen. Shouldn't that go on? Wouldn't go any further. Yeah. I didn't have the teenage dream of what my first time would be like. In brackets. it's someone I love all that mushy stuff right does anyone I don't know but I did want it to be with someone I knew that is helpful yes that's I think I will say that to the boys I'd be like please lose your virginity to someone who you at least are going out with yeah not with some stranger you know what I mean yeah anyway it's horrible horrible thought also all the societal pressures of having sex were getting to me which if I can tell if I can tell to my past self and anyone listening thinking the same it doesn't matter no not at all be comfortable with yourself and the person you're with don't push yourself if you don't feel ready and don't be embarrassed if you're older than what's deemed normal yes because this person was I don't know if they've said they were at uni they were at uni yeah yeah so you know but that's fine yeah it doesn't matter of course it's fine enter Rob in brackets real name he'll know who he is if he listens right so there you go we studied the same degree and had some of the same weekly seminars and became quite good friends over the two years.

52:14I knew he had a thing for me. He would drunk text every so often, but it took me a while to reciprocate. Right. It got to the end of second year and after some back and forth during our final week, meeting up in the club, flirting, texting, it finally seemed like it was going to happen. Oh, God. Smash time. He invited... Oh, should I say smash sesh? That's really hard to say. Smash... Smash Sesh. Oh, hey. I was just about bowling. I was going to have to fuck. Yeah, Smash Sesh. Smash Sesh. Smash Sesh. Smash Sesh. Oh, I don't like that at all. Yeah. I want a Smash burger now. I'm going to London.

52:51Oh, yeah. I might get one. Oh, nice. He invited me to a house party and walked me home afterwards. In brackets, gentlemanly. Gentlemanly. That's hard to say. Yeah. Gentlemanly move. Gentlemanly. Although we lived in the same street. Got you. I should not imagine. Okay. We stopped outside his, both knowing what was coming next. Oh, God. The next thing he did should have been a sign of what was to come. He leaned in to kiss me, stopped just before reaching my lips and said, this is really going to turn you on. Oh, don't say that, dude. Of course, being young, naive and a little desperate, I laughed this off and he invited me inside.

53:25This is really going to turn you on. Oh, God, pal. When things got going, we had a little trouble with the condom, but he reassured me that his pull-out game was strong. Oh, fucking hell, man, no! Another sign of the night ahead. Kids, guys, always put the condom on before you leave the house that night. That is the best way. Super safe. Always get ready. After shave, have a shave, get it clean. Put the condom on. Go out. Enjoy the night. Have fun. Have a few drinks. Then you're never too drunk to find the condom and put it on because it's already on. Copyright Chris Ramsey, 2026. That is not real advice.

54:09You can't say that. Always put it on before you leave the house. Always work for me. What about weighing? And then you don't need to go, hey, you don't lean in and go, this is going to turn you on. You just go, hey, I'm already wearing a card. I've had it on. I've had some bad sexual experiences. I've had it on since the cinema.

54:35I'd be like I knew I could smell something It's full of piss

54:43Gallons If I was hooking up with someone And they were already condoned up I would die I would die It's the sign of a sensible and safe lover It's horrid It's a man who plans ahead Nobody wants a sensible and safe You do It's a man who plans ahead. You, honestly, that's what you want in your life. Right, listen. We laughed it off. Seeing as I was on the pill, and he reassured me he was clean. Great. Yeah. Yeah. Brilliant. Okay. Thanks for that. And again, being young, naive, and a little desperate, we carried on. Each to their own, I guess. Oh, God. Cut to the end. We're in doggy. In brackets.

55:19On the first time! Adventurous for the first time. Fucking hell! And having fun. So, they're having a nice time. she's enjoying it so it's fine without until this is where it gets this is smart olden days you want to go back in time to when we were smutty dirty horrible you're kidding us we are we did a porn quiz the other day like come on fair enough but this is old school smart so strap in until without saying a word to me he suddenly pulls out I was expecting him to grab a tissue maybe even ask if he could do it on me but no Rosie's mystery mystery mystery I'll just tell you I don't want you to guess Please I can't be asked to guess this This man Rob Leapt off his bed Leaving me confused as anything Runs across his room Squats down over his bin And wanks into it

56:18This is our first sexual experience That's the fuck This is horrible Oh, that's the saddest thing. Rosie, I can see him. I can see him. I can see the... Oh, dude. This is horrible. I feel so sad for her. Over the bin. And then she said, yes, that's right. He finished in the bin. Wow. I mean, he said his pull-out game was strong. His pull-out game is an ick. His pull-out game is incredible. Pulls out, 100-yard dash into the bin. No mess. So bad. Wow. that is the saddest end to a sexual encounter I've ever heard. It's horrible, isn't it? Into the bin. Listen though, listen, honestly, she didn't know him that well and as a woman who's probably been in similar situations in this, I'd rather it in the bin than on me tits.

57:13That's a, that's a, I don't know you. That's a soundbite. Don't use that. I've wrote a children's book. Two.

57:24this week's poll in the bin or on your tits in the bin it says here as well what makes things worse and I know Chris will hate this is that since this was uni accommodation this wasn't actually his bin he was moving out that morning and so some poor student was going to be moving into a room with a jizzy bin jizzy bin he is now known amongst he's now known amongst my friends as bin guy I guess he was right though his pull out game was strong Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. That was a great story. Old school that. Loved it. Thank you so much. I know. Thank you. And there is more actually to this. It said an additional add-on.

58:05He then moved away for his year abroad and I had a false pregnancy test scare. Had to call him at three in the morning. So. Wow. His pull-out game was not that strong. Oh, a little bin baby. A little pre-com. Oh. Do you remember how scary pre-com was? Terrifying. I don't even know what it is, really. I don't really know what it is. I don't actually... Do you know how... I don't want to be naive with this, but also I am a woman and I have a body. It's actually quite hard to get pregnant. Don't say that. Yeah. It is. I've got a couple thousand episodes of Jeremy Kyle that would argue with you. Well, I'm sorry, but if you follow my period, there's only like four days where you can actually...

58:46I think when you're young and you're virile and you're doing it all the time. I will be telling our kids about pre-com and I will make them really scared. Can you make sure I'm on a golf trip? I'll just be like, no, oh, hang on. You have to do most of the sex talk. I'm not doing it. Listen, I'll, I do think, and obviously I've just thought of this now, but the run into the bin technique might be the new, might be the new gold standard in this household. Who, what? We might just, I might just say lads, always just run into a bin. No, listen, don't start. Condom on before you come out, right? Fill it with piss, run into the bin.

59:19If you tell them that. It's the free checklist. Oh, don't. They're so little. I hear talking about where they're going to grow. Yeah. No. Oh, God. Wow. Never. Yeah. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. This is, you have been fully thrown under the bus with this. Have I? Right. It says, dude, we're here for your stand-up gig, Saturday night in Newcastle. Can you explain why they won't let us keep the lid on a water bottle sold at the in-house bar? They said it was at your request. Sorry? The fuck? That's got nothing to do with me. They have fully threw you under the bottle. So my question is why?

59:57Okay, so I don't have a lid to throw at you, but I can still throw the bottle. That is nothing to do with me. I know nothing about this. Why did they do that? They've done it. I don't fucking know. They've done it to maybe four places. Then they take the lid off you, and I don't know why. I've got no idea. Maybe so you can't throw it. But if you're throwing a bottle at us, I'd rather the lid was on. But they're plastic anyway. throw as many as you want I don't give a shit it must be for throwing it must be that must be why it's got to be a safety thing yeah why would they do guys that has nothing to do with me actually no listen they've saved your life if someone threw a full bottle of water even in a plastic a plastic bottle it would hurt you though it could knock you unconscious goodness but oh god I'm so sorry I can't believe the staff has said no Mr Ramsey has said he's got it and then what happens is they have to then halfway through my set I pick up a plastic bottle and I take the lid off and I drop the lid on the floor and I drink the water.

1:00:51Well, somebody might come and pick it up and get it for the water. I'm so sorry. Hey. Funny man. Under the bus. At your request. Mr. Ramsey has a fear of lids and you can't have lids in the room. It triggers him. Yeah. Yeah. He was mugged by a bottle top. Yeah. In his youth. You hate them pearly queens. They've got lids all over them. What's that? Oh, it's a very niche. thing. I don't think you'd... Have you never heard of Pearly King and Queens? No. There's people... Something to do with London. I thought that was badgers. Is it not bottle lids? You think they've got bottle tops on them? I'm sure they're badgers.

1:01:31You think they've got bottle tops on them? Listen, I'll take back my previous thing and I'll just say the Wombles. Great. Good save. Good save.

1:01:43Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of shag married annoyed i love you we do we love you love you love you thank you so so much for listening as always if you'd like to get in touch at shag married annoyed gmail.com and if you want to send any voice notes to the whatsapp it's 0 7 8 7 4 4 0 6 6 5 0 i forgot how to read numbers there by the way i've actually um really on top of the emails at the minute so if you send one in i will see it pretty i'm like she's on it on i'm up to date good stuff well done well done you. Again, thank you so much for listening and if you could like and subscribe on YouTube that would be awesome and we'll be in your ears and your filthy little eyes next week.

1:02:23Bye!