Can we get a dog?

19:14Rosie Ramsey:and they fucking stink and I'm sorry nah you're all gonna be like I've got a dog it doesn't smell I'm calling your house right now and I guarantee I'll leave and go I can smell the dog nah don't care my dog doesn't smell but your own dog doesn't smell it's the same as your shit you love the smell of your own shit it's exactly the same I've got a couple of shits I've had and I've thought oh no oh oh oh it's exactly the same but no yeah everyone's like my dog doesn't smell well you're just used to it you're just used to the smell of your dog same as that some smell less than others yeah I don't know do you know the problem is if we got one we'd absolutely adore it and this is the problem but it's just so intense but the don't realize how much of a big commitment is you've got to find out exactly what kind of dog is right for you for your lifestyle yeah you know for everything some people get dogs oh I didn't realise you had to walk it fucking three mile a day some of them you do yeah some of them you fucking don't Yeah.

20:04Rosie Ramsey:The hair thing freaks us out as well. Yeah, the ones that moult and that. We'll see. Because mainly the ones that don't moult have got poodle in them. And poodles are fucking lunatics. So you have a dog which is cute and gorgeous and doesn't moult, but it's a maniac. What kind of dog do you think you would be if you were a dog? If I was a dog? Hmm. I don't know. This is one of them things where when people answer these questions, it's like you're giving yourself a fucking review. I think I'm a Westie. Right. I think I look like a Westie. A little Westie. Westie, isn't it? Hey, you don't say Westies that much anymore.

20:36I know.

20:37Rosie Ramsey:What happened to Westies? I like the Westie thing. You don't say them that much. I still love Westies. I don't know. Do we suit a Westie? Bring back the Westies. I completely forgot about Westies. Have I died out? No. Westies and Dalmatians are two dogs you don't say that much of anymore. I think Dalmatians are quite expensive and they're a bit mental. Right, okay. I mean, lush. They're expensive and they're mental? I think so. I'd be a Dalmatian then. Oh, you actually would. You actually would be a Dalmatian. 100 % be a Dalmatian. Or just one of them, that's like a whippet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone wore passes last night with a whippet when I went to the shop.

21:08And I have to stop myself from seeing it because I think they must hear it all the time.

21:11Rosie Ramsey:What? You know when Peter K did that bit where he says you're getting a taxi and you always go like, been busy, what time you on till? That like thing you have to see in the taxi drivers. Whenever I see him with a whippet, I just like, I have to stop myself from going, I bet he's fast. Like,

21:26doing the water passing, it looks like a fucking dinosaur. It's just water, it's got the leather thing on it. I bet you when you let that off in the park it just goes, fuck off.

21:35Rosie Ramsey:Rendo. I'm terrified of dogs, mate. Yeah. Absolutely terrified of them. Yeah. He's dead friendly. Well, great. Good for him. Get him the fuck out of me face. Until the day he's not. Until the day he's not. Get him out of me Ben's quavers because he wasn't invited. That's happened before. Yeah, yeah. When I was on the beach. We might have talked about this. Oh, terrified. Straighten his quavers. I was like, excuse me? Get your dog. Good choice. Good choice of crisp. Good choice of crisp. so a tiny little announcement about my tour I don't think I spoke about it on here before me Blackburn gig got cancelled I don't think I mentioned it on here I've done it on me on me socials and stuff me Blackburn gig has been cancelled due to the venue doing refurbishments that have overran and the venue won't be ready for my tour it's bullshit it's not that at all doesn't like Blackburn don't you dare no I'm sorry is that what you're gonna tell everyone you're gonna you're gonna lie I can't be honest to the people of Blackburn I can't be honest you told me I love Blackburn I've done Blackburn love You said I hate Blackburn.

22:31Rosie Ramsey:You said it's awful. Ignore. I would never say that. You don't like Tony Blackburn? Stop it. Listen. I'm joking. I'm totally joking. Yeah, so something's happened with the venue. And then they were like, oh, well, you can come back in like, you know, a year later. I'm like, well, I'll probably not be touring that show then, so I can't. So apologies that that's been cancelled. Everyone will get their money back. I am adding a couple of dates, one near there, which will hopefully help. It's not going to be in Blackburn, it'll be hopefully near there where's near Blackburn just round the north west I've actually never been to Blackburn I'm so sorry gigs are great I first did it with Al Murray back in the day on a very windy night very very good very good venue it's just a shame but it's one of them things so a couple of shows getting added hopefully that'll help if it's not close enough I do apologise there's nothing I can do with me as I'm tired Chris these things can't be helped I know it's sad times but it's plenty warning don't worry about it and you've put it somewhere else it's all good alright and you do like Blackburn I do like blackbirds.

23:30Rosie Ramsey:I was joking. Telling fibs. Telling fibs. Class is now in session. And the UPS Store is here to help you ace arriving on campus. Our certified packing experts can pack everything you need, from desktops to decor. Plus, when you pack and ship with us, you get our exclusive pack and ship guarantee. Your items arrive safe or your money back. Restrictions and limitations apply. To get a 20 % off packing coupon, And for full details, visit the upsstore.com slash package. Get business done with the new American Express Graphite Business Cash Unlimited card. With unlimited 2 % cash back on all eligible purchases, unlimited 5 % cash back on flights and prepaid hotels booked through American Express Travel Online, and a flexible spending capacity that can grow with your business, you'll have the confidence to keep building.

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25:04It's time for What's Your Beef Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef Beatty's first

25:11Rosie Ramsey:I've got pins and needles Sorry, sitting on my bloody foot I, listen I don't have a beef this week I've got a compliment Right? So That's not what this section is I know but I haven't got I mean I have got a beef but I want to compliment you publicly right because for the how long we've been doing this nearly gotta be six years I'm gonna keep putting years on it shit they're bad yeah right hashtag longest job ever yeah it is my longest job ever this is my longest relationship longest job it's I'm very proud of myself right I've been banging on about my periods for years about hormonal changes about like my body and all this kind of stuff and you might have even noticed that I'm a little bit different this week because I am due on and it's just life and I can't help it right and you this is in a lovely way you started sending us like videos on Instagram about like hormonal things and about stuff that can help and and honestly it's really nice and I just want to say thank you I want to say thank you publicly for actually understanding how horrible it is to be a woman who has a period and to feel these feelings and emotions and just the fact that you're actually recognizing it has meant so much and I wanted to say that publicly.

26:33Rosie Ramsey:So thank you. God, you're all weird creatures, aren't you? Why? You're all just the stuff you're... No, because just... I saw a video of Katy Perry recently this week just saying something about I'm not bothered about how good looking you are or whatever. If you stack the dishwasher and clean up, I'll suck your dick. Like, you're all... Katy Perry said that. Yeah, it was a weird video. Yeah, like, you're all... It's mad, isn't it? what do you remember the movie what women want with Mel Gibson I can't remember what exactly happened he gets electrocuting I think and then he can read women's minds so he can pull anyone because he knows what they want all the weird little things and that's again that's why I find Ickes so fascinating because people can be so attracted women can be so attracted to someone and one little thing like my favourite one trying to pick up a receipt and it kept blowing away from all the ping pong ball turned off immediately disgusting you saw so like you just publicly all I was doing was saying things that would and just it seemed like now but then I don't know it meant so much because it meant that you just actually you just sort of like oh I get it did you feel seen yes wow I did well yeah well you're my wife and I hate how much your period affects you I think it's because now you've actually you've got the proof in front of you it's not just like I'm not making it up because you see me change dramatically well I can tell you yeah yeah yeah it's a different person yeah yeah yeah the shit you come out with your hair brain schemes when you're on your period I know I just have to nod I know I nod and I go alright I'll wait till this wait this passes over yeah yeah it's like a it's what i can imagine like a coked up ceo going into his company and going like right we're gonna sell all the assets we're gonna we're gonna we're gonna move into the fucking site and then the next day he comes in and never mentions it again and the staff go oh he did it again he had a big weekend did he like we'll just crack on it's like that i do get a lot of ideas but then i'm surrounded by women we're gonna live on the moon i'm surrounded by women who like big each other up so i'll tell people my ideas my friends and they're all like I've said it before, I'll say it again.

28:25My soul leaves my body and my heart fucking sinks when you come up to me and say the words, I've been chatting to me ma 'am and I think. And I go, oh, fuck.

28:36Rosie Ramsey:And we should knock down these three walls. What is this? We're building a helipad. Then we're burning the helicopter. Then we're getting the motor home. Then we're getting rid of the motor home. Then we're building a fence. Then we're putting the fence down. Then we're concreting. Then we're turfing. Then we're concreting the turf. just let us be just let us live me life but yes I'm glad have you done any of the things I'm going to eat more protein I don't want to take any of the supplements I don't trust them I'll just eat more protein if that helps

29:14don't say it don't say it

29:17Rosie Ramsey:is it about creatine don't say it What? Spunk's got protein in. Oh, I had to get that off my head. Oh, nearly had an aneurysm. Oh. Has it actually? You're welcome. Has it actually? No, it hasn't. You've got to take it from source. You're not having that over a cup. You've got to take it from... Why have you got to ruin stuff this was going to be? Why have you got this called shagged, married, annoyed? Not only have you not beefed, but you're not... All right, okay. I will add a beef to that just really quickly. I don't want to discuss it. All right. I hate how much you hate. that I love going to bed.

29:52Rosie Ramsey:I love going to bed early. I love lying in bed. I love eating in bed. I love just being in my bed with the door open so I can still see what's going on. I had to go. And I just fucking love it. But literally last night, I put Rafe to bed and it was half past seven and I went, I'm going to bed. And you were like, why? And I was like, because that's what I enjoy. When I go to bed early, you go fucking off it so you can shut your mouth. I do not. You do. You're like, I can't be able to do that. No, okay, by the way, I wasn't actually going to bed. I was just being in bed. can we address the fact that last night you went to bed and before you went to bed you asked me to go to the shop to get you some crisps so I walked all the way to the shop oh I saw oh I saw a very odd interaction I don't know what was going on I stood outside the shop I went to the back of the shop where there's no signal I took a photo of the crisps because I didn't know if you'd like them or not then I had to go back outside oh my god I've still got some left great and I had to go back outside the shop to send you a photo to get a signal to send you a photo of the crisps so I'm standing outside the shop on my phone like a bloody teenager might as well have been vaping.

30:48The car pulled up and I just heard a load of swearing and then the bloke got out of the car and the woman was in the car and she was swearing at him and he was swearing at her and then he said something, something, something and she said something to him and then all I heard as he got closer was him turning around to her and say, quite rhythmically, well you don't wash your fanny. And then he walked in the shop.

31:09Rosie Ramsey:The neighbourhood. Got into the dog. So odd. Eh? Well you don't wash your fanny. And then he walked in the shop. They were basically arguing with each other, slagging each other off. A bit like what we do, but a bit more. How old were they? Ah, he was older than me. He'd have been a couple of years older than me. And she was just sitting in the car and they were just slagging each other off. And then he went in and got whatever. What'd he get? I don't know. Soap? Sad axe. What the hell? It was really odd. Really odd. Anyway, I got the crisps from the shop and then I hand delivered you some crisps in bed.

31:39Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, thank you. Yeah. Appreciate it. It's a bit weird. Right. Bad crisp delivery. I really wanted some crisps. Might be with you. Mm-hmm. Ready? So we all know you can't stack a dishwasher. It's been done. We're not going to talk about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would rather wash dishes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I don't just put them in the sink. I wash the dishes. Oh, is this about the tray last night? Nope. The tray last night. I'm not bothered about the tray. You just all had to do that. I would have done it. No, I'm not. So when you, again, I've said use the greaseproof paper so we can just throw it away, but you don't.

32:11You bake things onto the tray and I've got to, you know, it's good to be bloody athletic. I've got to scrub it all off. But that's fine because you're making the dinner, so I will tidy up. But you've started making lasagna, and it's gorgeous. Congrats again. Big shout out to the person on your Instagram who, when you put a video of your lasagna, wrote underneath, make sure you wash your face in the water afterwards. Yeah, very nice. That's fantastic.

32:33Rosie Ramsey:By the way, I kind of said, like, am I doing it right? And you should never really say that because... No, no, no, no, no, no. There was a lot of... So I was talking about this... A lot of people have their own ways of making lasagna, and that's absolutely fine. I was talking about this as Sarah Millican the other day. Sarah Millican put a photo of two cups of tea on and she was getting a load of shit for the TB and Too Strong or whatever and I just commented, I said, Sarah, cups of tea, English breakfasts and Sunday dinners. Toast. Well, and Sunday dinners will give you all the opinions and she literally commented going, I know, check yesterday's post about some toast.

33:06She's got a load of shit for some toast as well. People are just, you can put anything on and be like, well, where's the fucking bacon? They're all, where's the beans? Beans shouldn't be touching the egg. Oh, fuck off anyway it's mad anyway you start making lasagnes and they're beautiful yeah you've got them in them like dishes you know them dishes that all the sort of wannabe cool restaurants started using where it's like white with blue on the outside you know the dishes your nana used to have yeah that kind of stuff you when there's some left over you put it in there and you put cling film on it yeah you're good at wrapping you wrap the cling film really well thank you yeah you get that out of the fridge and then what you do is instead of taking the cling film off the where you took it off.

33:43You just rip into the top of that cling film like a bear that's found someone's picnic.

33:48Rosie Ramsey:There's a lot of satisfaction I take in that. I'm glad you realised. I really enjoy it. You rip that open. Yeah. You take the lasagna out. You put that dish in the sink, still with the cling film around it, and you fill it up with water. Yeah. Stop it. What's wrong with that? It's fucking horrible. It's like there's a jellyfish in me sink. But then when I come to wash it, I'll just take the cling film. You don't know, do you? Yes, I do. I have to do it. No. I go to do something and it's there and there's a soaking wet dish with bits of cold lasagna and cling film around it and I have to take it off it makes us want to die it's the food equivalent of finding a fucking used condom in the sink I hate the smell of your athletic greens every day it's there every day it's just sat there and I've got to wash that bottle I hate the amount of bottles how many bottles do you use in a day you go through about four bottles a day and you screw them two times you said you didn't have beef actually I've decided I hate you decided I hate everything about you and do you know what it is you're gaslighting us with sending us them period things you're just trying to make us oh and actually going back to the period things I said to you have you read the full thing and you were like no you hadn't even read the schnapps that quote you read it I'm just giving it take it back take it back I hate you I'll die on this hill you'll what?

35:07Rosie Ramsey:I'll die on this hill it's time for questions from the public

35:17as always if you'd like to get in touch it is shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com send her whatever you bloody want and thanks again to everyone who's ever sent anything ever because we'll love it

35:26Rosie Ramsey:I'm going to start off with a nice lovely one here dear Chris and Rosie I've been listening to episode 325 where you were talking about how good it was knowing someone who worked at a takeaway and brought it home after their shift Oh, God, yeah. Yeah. I think that was when my dad worked at the Italian restaurants and used to bring home pepperoni pizzas. Yeah. I've went out with girls who work at food places and they're bringing them. Oh, your ex worked at the lovely one. Yeah. Years ago. Years ago, yeah. I'd have gone out with her for that. Oh, and she used to bring stuff back. Honey chili chicken.

35:56Oh, midnight honey chili chicken. Unbelievable.

35:59Rosie Ramsey:This is amazing, all right? When I was at secondary school, one of the girls in my class had parents who ran the local post office and village shop. What? And their house was next door. Oh, no. Yeah. My best friend at school, well, I've talked about it before, her dad, her mom and dad, owned the restaurant. But before that, they owned the takeaway. Just chips, just pizza, just on demand. Just amazing. I used to love going to house. Right. Every time I was invited over for tea, I'd absolutely gobble it down and wait in anticipation for her dad and mutter the beautiful words, anyone want dessert?

36:32Oh, shut up, man.

36:34Rosie Ramsey:Yes, yes, yes. We'd cry. We were then marched in single file through a secret connecting door into the village shop stockroom. Stockroom. I'm tingling just thinking about it, right? We were allowed to choose anything we wanted. I'd caress the rows and rows of chocolate bars and sweet. Caress. Carefully considering which treat would be mine. Shall I go for size or quality? Something nutty or fruity? These things can't be rushed. Fucking song. at the end I didn't even really like the girl she was a bit of a dick actually but there was absolutely no way I was passing up on my weekly invite for tea fucking dreadful wow dad do you think me friends only like us because we run the shop maybe because we run the sweet shop maybe imagine imagine if like one of your mates owned a sweet shop like crazy holy crap crazy I used to babysit for um a couple across the road after I told you about this they had two sons I was only young I was about 15, 16 I used to have like I used to babysit for a few families this family over the road they were constantly stocked with crisps and chocolate and I swear to god every time I asked to babysit I was like and they'd go out and I would just just eat myself into oblivion they probably came home and thought that pig of a girl is just just eating my you're 100 % being talked about like opens the bin and go what the fuck's happened to you?

38:05Rosie Ramsey:No, I used to take my rubbish home. That's the worst. You would take the evidence? I would take all the rubbish home because I ate so much. I'm not even joking. Right, well that looks even worse because that doesn't even, because if they ate away. No, they wouldn't have noticed. There was so much stuff. If they're aware of how many crisps they've got, that looks like you've talked it home for your family. And if they've met your mum even once, they're sitting in the night. Right, get a multi-pack. Just take one from each multi-pack, bring her back for your mom she would have oh 100 % 100 % oh gosh wow so I used to babysit and did you?

38:41yeah yeah oh yes yeah around the corner and I used to get like a tenner but I used to spend it on a takeaway while you were there yeah I used to spend it on a pizza and I'd go home like two quid

38:55Rosie Ramsey:oh tragic did they not get you a pizza like nah I used to have to spend the money some places would get you some food you think I should have got my agent involved I feel like hi sorry is Chris's Chris's babysitting for you tonight is it covered under equity yeah so we've got his rate can we pay VT on top of that and can he get fed is there food is there going to be food at the gig can I tell you right now do you pay for his travel there and back if I wasn't doing this you know I'm an entrepreneur I'd probably be a babysitter the amount of people who I know who can't go to things because I haven't got baby child care like babysitters because I have to use it so much for work us included I think I would make an absolute fortune.

39:33Rosie Ramsey:Imagine though. Like if you're currently now a housewife and your kids are going to school and you're thinking what am I going to do with myself? Or house husband. Or house husband. There's plenty of them. Be like not a nanny. Don't be a nanny. Just be a babysitter for a night out. Right. How much are you charging? Oh. If I'm getting fed.

39:56Rosie Ramsey:No if I'm getting fed. If it's like right you can get a delivery. 100 quid a night if I'm getting fed. fiver no if you can get a delivery for like 7 quid right there's your budget I can get a delivery for 7 quid easy right right I don't I'd say I mean what time they're going now so 7 7 8 9 10 11 12 so they're they wouldn't pay 60 quid people wouldn't pay 60 quid for a babysitter would they you couldn't get 10 pound an hour so right 5 10 15 20 20 30 30 this is painful okay so 7 what's 7 times 6 sorry seven sixes 30 30 something I don't know I'm shit a mess seven sixes note to self never ask a time table never ask time tables live on the podcast hold on 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30 6, 5 6, 5 I do it for 42 quid alright 7 pound an hour 7 pound an hour 42 pound right I'm not claiming it.

41:00Rosie Ramsey:Cash and hand. Cash and hand. You've said it on this already. Cash and hand, you're going to dodge tax.

41:07£42. They have to pay you£7 delivery as well.

41:12Rosie Ramsey:Yeah, that's in with it. But hang on. I'm going to do it four times a week. 42 times four. That's£168. Pocket money for me to play with. I'm not declaring it. £168 a week. No, a month. That's£168 a month. so you're doing one night a week yeah just a friday 168 pound a month may i refer you back to your initial statement of i'll make a fortune doing this can't be snipped just one night a week

41:43do you just want to sit in a house on your own and eat is that what this is do you just want to

41:48Rosie Ramsey:sit in your house on your own and get a delivery room i feel like sometimes i feel me life hasn't moved on enough. I'm still 15. Emotionally, I don't think you have. I think you still just want to go into a stock room, get a slab of pop and some crisps and sit and watch the telly on your arse. You know what that? It's not about you want to go babysitting. It's that you want children to be asleep upstairs and you want to sit downstairs and then you want to wake up and not have to deal with them children. Yeah. Right. Yeah, but I'd have to come home at my home. Yeah. All right, listen, I'll rethink it.

42:16No, you do. Do. Yeah. Because if this is Dragon's Den, I'm out. I'm not funding this. hear that that's now crispier mccrispy strips meeting creamy caesar sauce sounds extra crispy

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43:39Rosie Ramsey:This episode is brought to you by Facebook. So you were scrolling on Marketplace, and there it was, the bike you'd been searching for. You sent a message and it turned out the seller was super chatty, kind of funny, and an avid cyclist. The next thing you know, you're in a cycling crew. Well, a community cycling group. The thing about Facebook, you might find more than what you're looking for. From a browse to a bike ride, this summer, find more on Facebook.

44:10Rosie Ramsey:Hi Chris and Rosie. Hi. So, around 10 years ago now, I went on a night out with a big group of friends. In that group of friends was my ex-boyfriend, who I had recently split up with. Right. So, ex in the story. It's ex in the story. I was pretty gutted about how I split, and had gone out dressed in a tight and short bodycon dress, three inches of makeup, and high stilettos. Okay. I was out to get my man back. I'm going to get you back, because I love you. Ten years on, I really wish I hadn't tried so hard. Oh, God. As he ended up going off with my friend, marrying her, And having two kids with her.

44:47Rosie Ramsey:Oh, there it is. But that's by the by. Lol. Hell of a night for him. Jeez Louise. So on this night out, I got very drunk. That's always the way to get someone back. Yep. Flirted my ass off and tried to get my ex back. I succeeded. Woo-hoo. What? We decided to go home together. Oh. Not before heading to the chip shop for something to soak up the alcohol. Wow. Beautiful. So we walk down the road and off I go into the chip shop ordering a tray of chips. I quickly realised I've lost my phone and realised it must be in the club. So I set off barefoot, running in a short bodycon dress to get my phone back.

45:21Rosie Ramsey:Lo and behold, it was under the seat in the club. Success. She's got her phone. Nice work. It's fine. Back to the chip shop I go. I went back to the chip shop and told the man behind the counter, I'd like my chips, please. He proceeded to tell me that I hadn't ordered any chips and therefore wouldn't be receiving any. I was livid. I confirmed that yes I had ordered and paid for a tray of chips can I just say shout out to all takeaway staff who have to deal with drunken fucking respect like I have been an arsehole in takeaways in my past I haven't I'm always really actually quite nice but I've seen people be arseholes I guarantee I've been an arsehole a young drunken arsehole I guarantee it I've always been lovely though I love them mate I'm literally you're joking I knew them by a bloody name by the end of when I was younger.

46:12Rosie Ramsey:Abracababra. Here she is. Takes our rubbish home. Uh-huh. Yeah, chips and garlic sauce. Thank you very much. Very nice. Beautiful. I confirmed that, yes, I had ordered and paid for a tray of chips. And I popped out to get my phone. But now I want my chips, please. Please. He told me again that I hadn't ordered any. Well, this ended up being a back and forth for a few minutes with me telling him to check the CCTV because I had been in less than 10 minutes ago to order chips. and this is the point where I am ashamed of what I did I told him if I didn't get me chips I would call the police as this wasn't acceptable and he was conning me because I was drunk well he didn't give me any chips so what did I do I rang 999 999 999 and this is the exchange 999 police fire or ambulance please my friend Kirsty what are you doing me I'm calling the police that won't give us me chips.

47:08Rosie Ramsey:My friend, you didn't actually order from this one. It was next door. Oh, God.

47:18Rosie Ramsey:Carries on me. Oh. I immediately put the phone down and walked head down out of the chip shop I was in. I hope she probably does. But the story doesn't end there. I feel ill. The story doesn't end there. Can you imagine waking up hungover with that in your head? Well, are you ready? Oh, no. I head back to my ex's house whom he shares with his parents for a sleepover. In the taxi my phone keeps ringing from an unknown number so I just ignore it. 9am next morning my phone rings. It's my mum. Mum, Kirsty where are you? Me, I stayed over at Billy's. Why? She's changed the name. Mum, because the police are at my front door saying you called them last night and you didn't speak so they are checking that you are okay.

47:59Rosie Ramsey:Me, mortified, hand the phone over at the police mum. I'll explain later. I then went on to explain to a policeman over the phone that I was indeed safe and sound and that it had all been a stupid thing to do and I was incredibly sorry. The policeman albeit laughing at my story then went on to say the worst thing possible. I need to see you to make sure you are safe. Can I come to where you are? Oh no. This is above and beyond. Is this what happens? I don't know. Do they check that you are? They must do. Maybe. It's like are you safe? Blink once. Oh so there could be someone with a gun to her head.

48:34You never know.

48:34Rosie Ramsey:all right yeah yeah yeah it's fair enough because i suppose well yeah i suppose because if he just goes oh yeah case closed she was fine and then she turns up in a fucking river it's like oh she said she was fine on the phone well officer such and so did you not get visual confirmation no i didn't so all right then yeah i need to see i need to see you to make sure that you're safe me no way i'm at my ex-boyfriend's house his parents don't even know i'm here police i'm sorry but i need to physically see you could i meet you nearby so what did i do i agreed to meet the policeman at the local co-op uh now i'll remind you of the beginning of the story all i had with me was a tight bodycon dress to let those and at 9am on a saturday morning i had to meet the policeman at the co-op oh fucking a walk of shame is bad enough without an impromptu uh appointment at the co-op with the local policeman i would die i would actually die so i got out of bed i had to wear my ex-boyfriend's jogging bottoms t-shirt hoodie and trainers head downstairs to see his parents for the first time in three months to say hello have breakfast tell them my funny tale they didn't find it funny and then go and meet a policeman in the local town i mean it wasn't mortifying at all it really was i actually loved his parents and i hate the fact they probably thought i was an actual knob at this point wow i love that tell them my funny tale they did not have anything um so off i trot to the co-op to meet the policeman and guess what he was the most beautiful man I think I've ever seen.

49:57Brilliant.

49:57Rosie Ramsey:And I was standing in front of him wearing my ex's baggy clothing, makeup smeared all on my face, hair stiff from the hairspray and massively hungover. Luckily he could say I was fine and let me off with a warning while he was laughing at me. But I will never ever forget how attractive he was and how absolutely awful I looked. It'll be a night that I will never forget. Right. So here is my funny, albeit stupid tale. Me and my ex got back together after that, but how I wish I had just worn the bodycon dress and to let us to meet the policeman. We could have fallen in love that day. Right. We could have the best how to do you meet.

50:27Rosie Ramsey:If you were watching the screen there, I got so excited that she'd ended up with the policeman there. You thought she had. Did you see us? I know. It did say, 10 years on, if he is out there now and listening to this, please contact Rosie and Chris for my email address and we can be set up. She's still thinking about that police officer. Wow. The local co-op. Wow. 10 years later. Imagine. Wow. It's like that film with Gwyneth Paltrow, isn't it? Iron Man 3 sliding doors I'm joking like what could have happened oh yeah sliding doors are you writing it down from your list sliding doors it is Gwyneth Paltrow isn't it I'm sure it is yeah I think so there it is honestly if she'd have ended up at the end of that story if that was her ended up with that policeman and we're now married and we've got kids or whatever and I'm in the police and blah blah blah I think I'd have wept it would have been nice I think I'd have burst into tears it's not she just had to go kids that's life it's not a fairy tale sometimes you do your walk of shame you've got to go and see a policeman and you've got to go home this is a lesson in don't ring the police so willy nilly we've talked about this before I'm still terrified of ring the police even if something serious happened I think I'd be like I've rang them, I think the only time I've actually rang 999 is when someone was trying to leave me house after a party and they'd had loads to drink and they were trying to drive shut up, really?

51:52You were there. You were physically fighting them with me.

51:55Rosie Ramsey:Oh, yeah. I didn't think you rang the police. Oh, yeah. I phoned them. And they phoned back. And I went, I'm really sorry. I went, I was just, I was, someone was leaving me house with trying to drive. And I was literally going to phone you and say, you need to come and stop this person driving. But he ended up leaving his keys. And he left. Yeah. But yeah. I made him leave his keys. Yeah, yeah. But they were like. I forgot about that. They were like, no. He wouldn't do that now. He wouldn't do that now. He was young and stupid. But yeah, I'm quite proud of myself. They were like, oh, thanks. Yeah, sorry to bother you, but his keys are going.

52:24Rosie Ramsey:But we still need to meet you tomorrow, hungover co-op, just to check you out. I'll tell you what, when I met that policeman in that co-op the next day, God, he was fucking ugly. Dear Chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous because I'm not currently out to people as an online sex worker. Wow. What? Ow. I was not prepared for that. Just wanted to drop you a quick line to read your recent conversation about pit wanks. where you questioned whether anyone would be into that an armpit yeah well my entire niche is armpit fetish content yes you read that right i don't shave my armpits and realized a few years ago there was a huge group of people cough men cough shock who fetishize armpits in general and hairy armpits specifically.

53:18Rosie Ramsey:So I decided to monetize it. I mean, if they're going to wank over my pics on Instagram anyway, I might as well make some money off it, right? Absolutely. Here are some of the most common... I know you want to know. I'm seeing it in your eyes. It's that thing of... You're screaming. Tell me more. Tell me about it. Well, again, you know, I don't want to kink shame, but someone's into everything. There's someone who's into everything. Literally. Like, you know... It's a crevice. The love of crevice. pulling it what it is though men love crevices I've just snotted everywhere it's a crevice the love of crevice what a sound vibe you just love a crevice you just love a crevice is it right people shag sofas they do shag I shag a sofas yeah yeah yeah you love sofas you shag a lamp in a sofa I'm lord of you I'm just pulling this out out of thin air here slapping beer mats specifically beer mats on a wet pair of tits on a wet pair of tits that'll be someone's thing well but it has to be your John Smith's one.

54:16You know what I mean? All the beers are available. I'm quite like that. What do you know?

54:20Rosie Ramsey:Do you know what? There's something quite satisfying about slapping something off a lovely pair of tits. There it is. Right. Tits are lush. Tits are beautiful. Tits are great. It's not my thing, but carry on. Okay, so here are some of the most common requests I get. Ooh, speaking of tits, mind not out. Whether or not I'm willing to fulfil them is another matter. So stop, Rosie, stop trying to drive views to the YouTube channel by pretending your tits are out. Disgusting. No, my tits are out. Yeah, my pits are out. Your pits are out. What do you think of that? Married for... Stop it! Look at me pits.

54:50Pretend to look her armpits.

54:51Rosie Ramsey:Right, so here we go. These are the most common requests. Okay. Videos of me playing with my armpit hair and showing my pits up close. That's all right, I could do that. I want to die, but okay. Armpit sweat content, in brackets, gym pics, videos of sweat dripping down my body, etc. I could do that. Awful. This is not me seeing your awful person who wrote this in. this is me saying it's not my thing. I'm allowed to say it's not my thing. I'm allowed to say I find that awful. I'm not, am I? Am I allowed to say I find that awful? Yes. Right. Could you wank after this? Absolutely not. No. I couldn't watch it.

55:25No. But that's, but she knows, she's monetizing it for other people. It's not for you. God, the world's mentally now. I'm actually frightened of people going, oh my God, he said he wasn't aroused at hairy armpits. Cancel him.

55:35Rosie Ramsey:And the next one, armpit licking videos. You've just done that. I'm ahead of the curve. Cha-ching. Surprisingly not found a volunteer yet to lick my armpits on camera amongst my social circle yet there it is yeah yeah i mean dare i say you need to find some better friends yeah they're not supportive of your career love um it says the last one and of course the classic worn and preferably sweaty knickers and in shirts i said shit shirt and yes many of my clients that's clients is great clients you're You're making them sound like business people. You're not a fucking solicitor. Come on. Punters.

56:11Rosie Ramsey:Let's call them punters. Listen, why are you kink-shaming? Me? No. Many of my... It is the word. It is the word, clients. It's fine. It's fine. I know. Yeah. This is a valued listener. So don't you dare. I'm not... Listen. I'm thinking she's making her money. Yeah. Sweet, sweet money off these weirdos. Do you know what it is? Absolutely. So yes, many of my clients have a fantasy of masturbating in and coming onto my armpits. Crazy. Into. Yeah. Like a dwell. Like a, what's it called? Uh, valley. God, you'd say, what's it called? Why you, why you said dwell? Not dwell. You've said so many stupid words.

56:52I can't think of that. Receptacle.

56:54Rosie Ramsey:No, like a hole. A gun. Not like a, like a pit. Like obviously it is a pit, but what is like, it's not a valley and, it's like a, a dwell. A receptacle. No man, it's not. Adele isn't the word. Dwell is living somewhere. Adele? Adele? Is it Adele? It is Adele? Is it? It is Adele? We used to have Adele at our last house in the garden. The singer? Adele. No. We are not sanctioning coming on Adele. We are not saying that. Adele's people, if you're listening, we did not mean to say that. We are sorry. But I set fire to the rain. Watch it burn. Stop it. We'll get sued. We were not talking about Adele.

57:29You were Adele.

57:31Rosie Ramsey:Adele. Crevice will do. Fuck you. Right. If you're playing repulsive word bingo, congratulations. You've just got a full house. Adele is not a recognised geographical term, but rather likely a misspelling of deforest, which means to clear trees from an area. It's not Adele. It's not Adele. You're saying a receptacle. A drive stream bed. A receptacle, a container. How is this armpit jizzing story turned into some kind of argument that would happen on Catster's Countdown? I've never been asked to go on that. I want to go on it again. Oh, do you now? Yeah, because last time I went on Cat's Countdown, I was much younger.

58:11I didn't do... I do Wordle every day now. I do the Sunday Times... Sunday Times? New York Times crossword. Well, I do the mini one. I don't do the full-size one. But I think I'll be better now. I've got the teapot behind us. That's just because John Richardson, I was on his team and he let us take it home. He was like, yeah, you can have it. I've got a few of them.

58:25Rosie Ramsey:Did you piss someone off? No, I just think I was shit. I got a two-letter word. What? As. is that all you got and i was so stressed out i said jimmy went what have you got and i went oh i've got it and i meant like not i don't know if this is allowed so i said i've got a wobbly two and it got this massive laugh because it sounded like testicles and i didn't even get the joke because i was so stressed out and i saw a thing the other day i was like oh it's still going and i emailed i emailed me agent and i went can i go back and cast us condom because i do cosplays now I think it would be fun. I think it would be more fun now because I'm not like...

59:03I'm not going on there.

59:04Rosie Ramsey:I'm not terrified. I can't do catchphrase. I can't do none of them. The might want me to go on as a couple of those. We might have to both go on and just argue about how shit we are. That would be fun. I'm not. No. I'll probably not get on then. All right. I'll do it for you. Will you? I've already got the teapot. I might take it back and say, look, I don't deserve that. But if I win, I'll take it back. I might take it in and go, there's my teapot back. Don't get it back. John Richardson won it. I'm not getting it back I'm talking shit I'll break it before I give it back sorry just to finish this off yeah yeah yeah it's an interesting world out there and I'm constantly reminded that no matter what you find disgusting about yourself or others there's someone who's got a fetish for you yeah who knows maybe you'll discover yours sometime soon well what a lovely little ending I hope so I would love to have a fetish I haven't got one no have you got a fetish do you ever say something and go you're lying no I don't it's nothing odd Nothing really.

59:58Nothing odd. I would say everything I'm into in that sense is sort of quite mainstream.

1:00:03Rosie Ramsey:Tits, slits and clits. Yes. Yeah, I don't think. I'm dick. Dicks, pricks and nits. Nits? No, six. I haven't got... No,

1:00:21Rosie Ramsey:sinks. I love sinks. Yeah, you do love sinks. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I think I'm quite... We've said this before. I think we're quite mainstreaming this stuff. Well, I watched a video recently on Instagram where they showed women. I mean, I'm not trying to be like, show the divide of the, they showed women like a penis and also like an interior design sort of picture and it was the same amount of arousal. Lads, one girl fucking chance. They were hooped up to loads of stuff and it was genuinely the same sort of reaction that they got and they did it with loads of women. Fucking hell. See, and that's why anyone out there, any man out there thinking of sending an unsolicited dick pic don't they're not bothered send them a photo of the fact that you've just organised your wardrobe that'll be well received so much better a nice pair of hands or something not even that no like an like an oiled bicep I find so much sexier than a cock and balls yeah honestly no offence no it's fine but just I just sometimes when you run and go in the shower I'm just like oh my god there it is wiggling about hey listen wobbly too wobbly too oh no I take that but I didn't mean that horribly you've got a lovely penis tell everyone that I wouldn't have married you thank you well thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shagged Married Annoyed thank you so much indeed if you want to get in touch with anything at all it is shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com new news about my two have been announced soon and we'll be back in your ears and your filthy little eye sockets you know who you are and your armpits next week.

1:01:56Bye. Bye.

1:02:02Rosie Ramsey:Hello. Look what TJ Maxx dragged in. The Devil Wears Prada 2 is now streaming on Disney Plus and Hulu. We are digital. We are downloadable. We are streamable. The fashion event of the year is certified fresh. Pull yourself together. We have work to do. Critics say it's smart and witty and the perfect sequel. That's all. Get runway ready for The Devil Wears Prada 2 on Disney Plus and Hulu. Rated PG-13.

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